meal etiquette for someone invites you to their vacation home

[Sharon77]

I have generous access to my parents vacation home this summer. They want me to use it as much as possible since this year they won't be able to go there at all.

 

It is in a popular vacation area so friends and family love to get invites (many drop hints as you can imagine)

 

I enjoy having people come visit, it makes it more fun for the kids, but I am dreading the meal situation.

 

In my real home, if you got a invite, it's like, come over for lunch/dinner. A visit to someones home is regulated by time.

 

But when people come visit the vacation home, because it is like "my home", they come and also expect meals. 

 

With a vacation home, people come for the whole day or overnight/s, how can they expect to be fed for 2-3 days straight? Only one person has brought food to contribute or offered to take us out for pizza. 

 

We also have food restrictions, so I can't just throw together sandwiches for everyone cause my kids can't eat them. 

 

I would like people to just come and enjoy the area, but handle their own food and some of their own entertainment. I realize it's all new to them, but I don't need to do the same things over and over again.

 

Can anyone tell me if they have found a way to handle such situations, or maybe you were the invitee and your host had a gracious way they handled it that you could share?

 

Thanks for reading!

[Incognito]

Could you ask them to pay for food?  Each situation would be different, but when you invite them, say "and I think $100 for food would be fair, or you could bring your own stuff" (or whatever amount seems right, depending on how long).

 

When we go to a shared vacation place, we usually are given a shopping list by the one who runs the kitchen.  I find it very hard to use her kitchen while she is there, so it is a lot easier to contribute food and/or $ and stay out of the way.  We have some differences in dietary needs, but I just make sure I bring what we need for that and it doesn't go towards everyone's stuff.  And we bring our own snacks/pop/junk.

[Ottakee]

I can't imagine that.... People joining you and expecting you to pay for their meals for days.

 

Could you say something like "we would love to have you join us Friday night until after lunch on Saturday. There will be room in the fridge for your cold food and you are welcome to use the stove, microwave and grill to prepare your meals". We can also give you a list of area restaurants in case your family would rather eat out?

 

Something that gives them a clear time frame for leaving as well as letting them know you aren't going to be feeding their family for the duration.

[goldberry]

Wow, when we were invited to someone's vacation home, we offered and arranged to prepare a meal one night and breakfast one morning - for everyone.  The other days we bought our own light breakfast food to have in the mornings (cereal/oatmeal) and some sandwich stuff.  We would never have expected to be fed in a million years.

[zoobie]

I'd just tell them to bring their own food because you don't do big, planned meal prep on vacation.

[goldberry]

I can't imagine that.... People joining you and expecting you to pay for their meals for days.

 

Could you say something like "we would love to have you join us Friday night until after lunch on Saturday. There will be room in the fridge for your cold food and you are welcome to use the stove, microwave and grill to prepare your meals". We can also give you a list of area restaurants in case your family would rather eat out?

 

Something that gives them a clear time frame for leaving as well as letting them know you aren't going to be feeding their family for the duration.

 

:iagree:

[Sharon77]

Thanks for your responses.

 

You've only confirmed my suspicions that I need new friends!! LOL

 

People have invited me to visit them at the beach or their vacation home for a day and even when I go for one day, I bring my own lunch and treat the hosts to dinner.

 

I have no idea what makes the majority of people in my life be like this.

It's insane. People with 5-6 kids even, never mention anything about food/meals. They just arrive with nothing, so what can I do? Just feed my kids and not offer their kids anything?

 

At least I now know I am not being unreasonable.

 

Thanks 

[Carol in Cal.]

I would not invite people that I didn't intend to actually host.  Hosting includes meals and spending time together.  

I would cut back my invitations to a level that would make me feel good about providing food, shelter, and good company, and enjoy that.

 

As a guest, I would offer to bring stuff and to do some cooking and/or cleaning, and as a host I would graciously accept such offers, but I know it would be rude to solicit them so I would not do so.

 

To me, this is similar to charging for a wedding reception spot.  Bottom line, if you can't or don't care to host, don't invite.

[Ethel Mertz]

Ottakee has the right idea. We learned by error to speak up about meals. An acquaintance and her young daughter invited themselves for a week (we live in a vacation destination) and didn't bring any of their own food despite our saying: "Grocery stores are expensive here; you might want to bring anything you want to eat with you." We should have been even more blunt. My spouse and the woman went to the fish market to get seafood (her young daughter wanted the most expensive type) and the guest conveniently forgot her wallet. Feeding them for the week wound up costing us $200+. So, yeah, you have to leave no room for doubt.

[Guest]

I have generous access to my parents vacation home this summer. They want me to use it as much as possible since this year they won't be able to go there at all.

 

It is in a popular vacation area so friends and family love to get invites (many drop hints as you can imagine)

 

I enjoy having people come visit, it makes it more fun for the kids, but I am dreading the meal situation.

 

In my real home, if you got a invite, it's like, come over for lunch/dinner. A visit to someones home is regulated by time.

 

But when people come visit the vacation home, because it is like "my home", they come and also expect meals.

 

With a vacation home, people come for the whole day or overnight/s, how can they expect to be fed for 2-3 days straight? Only one person has brought food to contribute or offered to take us out for pizza.

 

We also have food restrictions, so I can't just throw together sandwiches for everyone cause my kids can't eat them.

 

I would like people to just come and enjoy the area, but handle their own food and some of their own entertainment. I realize it's all new to them, but I don't need to do the same things over and over again.

 

Can anyone tell me if they have found a way to handle such situations, or maybe you were the invitee and your host had a gracious way they handled it that you could share?

 

Thanks for reading!

What?! That is bizarre!

 

We have a vacation home, but people coming to stay ALWAYS expect to provide some of the food, especially if it's several guests. But if you want to offset issues, this is how you do it: when the initial plans are being made, you make statements about meals in a matter-of-fact way, like so: "...so you'll be arriving about 7:30pm, and our family will already have eaten dinner - you know how Joey and Joshie need strictly peanut-free everything - but there's an awesome pizza place three miles before you arrive; you could hit that before you arrive. In the morning, I have eggs and bacon I plan to bring, plus coffee, but if you will want something else, there's a bagel shop and also donuts in town. I was planning to just pack a picnic lunch Saturday, so if you want to bring some sandwich/salad stuff..." And so on. Make it part of the plans. I almost guarantee your guests want to know what to expect for meals, so it is better to make it part of advanced plans.

[zoobie]

Thanks for your responses.

 

You've only confirmed my suspicions that I need new friends!! LOL

 

People have invited me to visit them at the beach or their vacation home for a day and even when I go for one day, I bring my own lunch and treat the hosts to dinner.

 

I have no idea what makes the majority of people in my life be like this.

It's insane. People with 5-6 kids even, never mention anything about food/meals. They just arrive with nothing, so what can I do? Just feed my kids and not offer their kids anything?

 

At least I now know I am not being unreasonable.

 

Thanks 

 

They would not get a repeat invite for sure!

[EmseB]

I would not invite people that I didn't intend to actually host. Hosting includes meals and spending time together.

I would cut back my invitations to a level that would make me feel good about providing food, shelter, and good company, and enjoy that.

 

As a guest, I would offer to bring stuff and to do some cooking and/or cleaning, and as a host I would graciously accept such offers, but I know it would be rude to solicit them so I would not do so.

 

To me, this is similar to charging for a wedding reception spot. Bottom line, if you can't or don't care to host, don't invite.

I think vacation homes are totally different than a party one is hosting. I would never expect someone to foot the bill for meals on a vacation for my family. An offer to join one at a vacation house is offering a shared living space where everyone pitches in, not an all inclusive resort.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

Speak up about meals.

 

We've stayed with friends before in prime vacation areas. As the guest I'm often confused what the plan is too. I always offer grocery funds and to cook some of the meals if we are eating there too. Usually it's still weird.

 

Now I'm the one with food restrictions so I'm not sure we would stay with friends anymore anyway.

[Guest]

...and be sure to include something like this:

 

When you leave in the morning, just strip the beds and leave the sheets in the laundry room.

 

Or

 

When you leave in the morning, swap the sheets with the clean ones in the closet.

 

We have a vacation place and that was something that got really old for me. The endless bed-making.

 

Most of our guests were wonderful and didn't need a clue about what to do to help.

 

The other thing you want to say is that people should plan on taking home anything they bring but don't use. Otherwise you end up with 23 bottles of ketchup. I always made it clear that we had all the condiments and dressings. (And we did...).

[Guest]

...and be sure to include something like this:

 

When you leave in the morning, just strip the beds and leave the sheets in the laundry room.

 

Or

 

When you leave in the morning, swap the sheets with the clean ones in the closet.

 

We have a vacation place and that was something that got really old for me. The endless bed-making.

 

Most of our guests were wonderful and didn't need a clue about what to do to help.

 

The other thing you want to say is that people should plan on taking home anything they bring but don't use. Otherwise you end up with 23 bottles of ketchup. I always made it clear that we had all the condiments and dressings. (And we did...).

Yep, us, too. My emails when people are coming to visit our beach cottage are probably annoying, but I would rather cover eveything than have everyone wondering. I tell them what kinds of beds are there, what linens, appliances, what condiments we have on hand, that they will want drinking water because the tap water tastes bad, that there is no cleaning service so we are it, that there is no TV or internet, that there are life jackets for kids and adults, etc. i really do think, as the host, it is better to direct people through these things than have them all silently wondering what is expected.

[City Mouse]

I agree that you just need to be clear and upfront with everyone. I rented a vacation home fore spring break and invited another family to join us part of the time. I made sure to tell the mom that they would need to bring breakfast foods as I am on a restricted diet and my child has soon food restrictions as well. When we went out to eat, we each paid for our own families, but this was a family that we spend a lot of time with and always handle eating out that way.

[Jane in NC]

If someone is passing through with a stop for a couple of hours or an overnight, I would happily supply the meal(s).  For those staying several days, I would do what others have suggested.  One thing that might work for the beach is to say "We are grilling on Tuesday.  Be sure you pick up what your family wants to eat.  I am making potato salad. Could you provide another side to pass?"

 

I cannot fathom not taking my host and his family out for a meal or providing seafood for a meal that I would cook under the circumstances you describe.  I fear that being subtle is just not going to work under the circumstances.  Be direct.

 

 

[ktgrok]

You know, since this is a frequent issue, what if you made up a fun "Camp MYNAME" folder to send people? Like a cheap folder but put in it some brochures for nearby places, some take out menus, and a list of "amenities" that you provide. Make it kind of cute, you know? 

 

Here at beautiful Camp MYNAME you will have access to (number/size of rooms) with (number and type of beds). Feel free to bring air mattresses or camp cots if you need further space. Free internet and cable are provided. We have a full size stove and refrigerator for you to cook with, and you can shop for groceries at (name and location of nearest grocery store) on your way in, if you don't want to pack those things. We'll make suer to provide plenty of fridge space!  Or you can always order meals in, some menus have been provided. 

 

Linen service is limited to towels/sheets, but feel free to use the onsite washer and dryer. 

 

Generic sunscreen and bug spray is avaialbe, but if you have special needs please feel free to bring your own, the bugs and sun are pretty rough here. 

 

Entertainment options include (list things to do), and brochures and maps are included so you can plan your trip.

 

That kind of thing? Make it silly ,but still get their attention?

[goldberry]

I would not invite people that I didn't intend to actually host.  Hosting includes meals and spending time together.  

I would cut back my invitations to a level that would make me feel good about providing food, shelter, and good company, and enjoy that.

 

As a guest, I would offer to bring stuff and to do some cooking and/or cleaning, and as a host I would graciously accept such offers, but I know it would be rude to solicit them so I would not do so.

 

To me, this is similar to charging for a wedding reception spot.  Bottom line, if you can't or don't care to host, don't invite.

 

I think vacations/vacation homes are totally different.  If I told friends we were going on an Alaskan cruise, would they be interested in going also, no one I know would expect that means I would pay for them. 

 

A vacation home is an opportunity that is very kind of a host to share.  I would not expect them to pay for my food or my activities while they were letting me share that space.

 

I agree good communication at the beginning avoids any awkwardness however.

 

ETA, I live in a vacation area, and have also had guests "invite" themselves by asking, hey, can we stay with you for this time.  I'm okay with that too, but they should also realize that's not the same as me inviting to host them and provide everything for them.

Edited April 23, 2016 by goldberry

[mom2att]

"We'd love to have you join us at the beach house! Please plan on making your own meal arrangements and/or bring food to feed your family."

 

And if they showed up without food, I'd hand them menus to some local places.

[happi duck]

Iiwm:

I would not respond to hints...at all. I already prefer that people are upfront.

 

If someone asked and I wanted to say yes I would also add, "you are *completely* on your own for meals and activities" and then I'd stick to it. Even if a kid was looking longingly at my kid's bowl of cereal.

 

If I chose to *invite* someone it would be "want to vacation together? We could split food costs and cooking duty and stay for free at my folks' place."

 

Eta: I would not even mention anything about bringing food or where to shop or give menus...to me it shows that I somehow have some sort of role in what and if you eat. It really is not your responsibility as someone already providing free lodging.

Just my two cents.

Edited April 23, 2016 by happi duck

[Carrie12345]

I come from an obsessive list/spreadsheet making family.  If there were anyone I liked enough to invite on vacation  :lol:  :lol:  :lol: , I would have no problem saying "Great! Let's brainstorm food ideas for when you're here and split the shopping list!"

 

Well, if I'm really being honest, it would probably be more like "Great!  We'll grill a bunch of stuff. You bring booze."

[ktgrok]

Oh, could you say, "Can't wait to see you! I was wondering, how do you want to do meals? Everyone on their own, or shop together and split the bill, or what?"

 

[Guest]

You know, since this is a frequent issue, what if you made up a fun "Camp MYNAME" folder to send people? Like a cheap folder but put in it some brochures for nearby places, some take out menus, and a list of "amenities" that you provide. Make it kind of cute, you know?

 

Here at beautiful Camp MYNAME you will have access to (number/size of rooms) with (number and type of beds). Feel free to bring air mattresses or camp cots if you need further space. Free internet and cable are provided. We have a full size stove and refrigerator for you to cook with, and you can shop for groceries at (name and location of nearest grocery store) on your way in, if you don't want to pack those things. We'll make suer to provide plenty of fridge space! Or you can always order meals in, some menus have been provided.

 

Linen service is limited to towels/sheets, but feel free to use the onsite washer and dryer.

 

Generic sunscreen and bug spray is avaialbe, but if you have special needs please feel free to bring your own, the bugs and sun are pretty rough here.

 

Entertainment options include (list things to do), and brochures and maps are included so you can plan your trip.

 

That kind of thing? Make it silly ,but still get their attention?

I think this is cute...for normal people. I would not rely on something like this to hope someone gets the hint in the situation the OP describes.

 

It actually doesn't even strike me as something the host should feel bashful about. Hosting someone at your vacation home is already generous. The guests, if they have good manners, will make an effort to be generous back, not mooch off your good graces.

[Storygirl]

If you are going to have different groups of people coming over the course of the summer, I would write up something in a Word document that describes the food situation. Then you could send it to anyone without having to retype or reword it each time. Write a cheery email saying you are glad they are coming and have written up some information that will be useful for their planning, and then attach your document.

 

Since you are extending the invitation, you can decide to handle the food any way that you want to. You just need to communicate it clearly to your guests. I can understand how awkward it has been in the past, and I hope it goes better this year.

Edited April 23, 2016 by Storygirl

[TechWife]

I would not invite people that I didn't intend to actually host.  Hosting includes meals and spending time together.  

I would cut back my invitations to a level that would make me feel good about providing food, shelter, and good company, and enjoy that.

 

As a guest, I would offer to bring stuff and to do some cooking and/or cleaning, and as a host I would graciously accept such offers, but I know it would be rude to solicit them so I would not do so.

 

To me, this is similar to charging for a wedding reception spot.  Bottom line, if you can't or don't care to host, don't invite.

 

I agree with this completely. Part of being a host is feeding people. If I couldn't afford to feed them, I wouldn't invite them. 

 

 If I told friends we were going on an Alaskan cruise, would they be interested in going also, no one I know would expect that means I would pay for them. 

 

 

 

 

That is not the same thing as inviting someone to share your home (vacation or otherwise). On a cruise, the person isn't acting as a host. 

Edited April 23, 2016 by TechWife

[sassenach]

Thanks for your responses.

 

You've only confirmed my suspicions that I need new friends!! LOL

 

People have invited me to visit them at the beach or their vacation home for a day and even when I go for one day, I bring my own lunch and treat the hosts to dinner.

 

I have no idea what makes the majority of people in my life be like this.

It's insane. People with 5-6 kids even, never mention anything about food/meals. They just arrive with nothing, so what can I do? Just feed my kids and not offer their kids anything?

 

At least I now know I am not being unreasonable.

 

Thanks 

"Hey guys! Go ahead and put your food in the fridge. Do you need directions to the store or do you have everything you need? Don't worry about using our condiments. I'm not using the oven tonight, so feel free to use it or the grill. This is so fun!"

 

Sharpie the milk with your name.

[Guest]

I agree with this completely. Part of being a host is feeding people. If I couldn't afford to feed them, I wouldn't invite them.

 

 

 

That is not the same thing as inviting someone to share your home (vacation or otherwise). On a cruise, the person isn't acting as a host.

I agree with this in theory in reality, when you have a vacation home in a hot spot, people invite themselves along. It then becomes a matter of saying no, which can be very uncomfortable, or making some suggestions along these lines IFit is an issue.

 

We have often let people use our vacation home without us and over 15 years, only one family didn't leave it in pristine condition. We had to go down midweek to clean up their mess. They also were the only ones who presumed on our hospitality to invite another family along (waaaay too many people for our place) and they also were the only ones who didn't write a thank you note or leave a gift behind ($10 or less). Mist people who stayed ther while we were there were full participants in food purchase, prep, dish-washing and clean-up. We didn't have to ask for help very often. The exception was the bed-changing, which is why I brought it up.

 

Vacation homes have a different dynamic.

 

ETA:  Correct placement of my comments as opposed to what I quoted.  You'd think I have this down by now.  Le sigh.

[eternalsummer]

Well it's not exactly the OP's home, though; it's a vacation home owned by the OP's parents that the OP has the use of and is offering to share the use of with some friends/family.

 

eta: I don't get from the OP that she thinks she's hosting people on a vacation, but rather sharing a vacation home with them (that belongs to neither the OP nor the friends) for a few days or a week.

 

 

Edited April 23, 2016 by ananemone

[EmseB]

I agree with this completely. Part of being a host is feeding people. If I couldn't afford to feed them, I wouldn't invite them.

 

 

 

That is not the same thing as inviting someone to share your home (vacation or otherwise). On a cruise, the person isn't acting as a host.

This is just bizarre to me. I've had numerous occasions to share vacation homes with people for a vacation my family is taking jointly and I've never expected anyone to feed my family of six. Who would do that? I mean, being able to use condiments and dishes and share the common areas, yes. But feed my entire family for days?? No way would I ever expect that.

 

ETA: sharing a vacation home is much different than hosting in a traditional sense. But even when I've hosted people at my own home who were visiting, not one person/family has failed to at least offer to chip in for groceries or something, and in thise cases I truly did expect to provide meals. But joint vacation at a vacation house? Meals are planned in advance (we alternate doing dinners each night) and bring our own preferences. Sharing is liberal, but not expected from either side.

Edited April 23, 2016 by JodiSue

[goldberry]

 

That is not the same thing as inviting someone to share your home (vacation or otherwise). On a cruise, the person isn't acting as a host. 

 

They are not "hosting" they are inviting or allowing (very generously) someone to share their vacation accommodations.  It is not their home, it is a vacation home.  It is not a bed and breakfast they are opening for the benefit of their friends, although I have seen people treat it that way.

 

I don't think most people would invite anyone *on their vacation* that they thought needed to be cared for the entire time.  It is vacation time for the hosting family as well.  That should not be infringed upon because they are nice enough to share their accommodations.

[Arctic Bunny]

Whenever we rented a vacation house in Florida, we would be there for a month. Friends and family would come and stay - we even used our points to get them there, if they couldn't swing it. Whenever someone arrived, we would all go on a grocery trip together. If they wanted to grill steak, they'd get that, and I'd pick up the sides and dessert, you know? We meal planned as we shopped and it ended up pretty even.

 

Our friends and family were always grateful to have a free place to stay! When we went to stay with DH's parents in Phoenix, they provided the food because they insisted. But we brought home tacos one night, took them out for supper another, etc, and took a day trip to the Grand Canyon so we all had a break.

 

I'm thinking if these people in your life can't figure these common courtesies out on their own, you are going to have to be very blunt!

[marbel]

Even if it wasn't a vacation home, I don't think most people expect a host to provide all meals for houseguests, do they?   We've never had a vacation home, but we've had friends stay with us and we've stayed with friends in their own homes, and there is always some contribution by the guests, whether it's bringing their own food or splitting up the groceries for the term of the visit, or going out sometimes.  I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about this, but it seems that if a visit covers more than two mealtimes, only a very clueless and/or inconsiderate guest would expect the host to provide all the food at their expense and effort. 

 

 

[TechWife]

This is just bizarre to me. I've had numerous occasions to share vacation homes with people for a vacation my family is taking jointly and I've never expected anyone to feed my family of six. Who would do that? I mean, being able to use condiments and dishes and share the common areas, yes. But feed my entire family for days?? No way would I ever expect that.

 

ETA: sharing a vacation home is much different than hosting in a traditional sense. But even when I've hosted people at my own home who were visiting, not one person/family has failed to at least offer to chip in for groceries or something, and in thise cases I truly did expect to provide meals. But joint vacation at a vacation house? Meals are planned in advance (we alternate doing dinners each night) and bring our own preferences. Sharing is liberal, but not expected from either side.

 

The OP invited people to come visit them in this vacation home. That is different than sharing a vacation home. Sharing a vacation home means that the vacation is planned by all parties involved and that expenses are covered in an agreed upon manner ahead of time. 

[Laura Corin]

Even if it wasn't a vacation home, I don't think most people expect a host to provide all meals for houseguests, do they?   We've never had a vacation home, but we've had friends stay with us and we've stayed with friends in their own homes, and there is always some contribution by the guests, whether it's bringing their own food or splitting up the groceries for the term of the visit, or going out sometimes.  I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about this, but it seems that if a visit covers more than two mealtimes, only a very clueless and/or inconsiderate guest would expect the host to provide all the food at their expense and effort. 

 

If I stayed with someone in their own home, I would take a couple of bottles of wine, and offer to take them out to dinner one night.  Otherwise, unless I suspected that money was tight, I wouldn't offer to share in food expenses.  It would all even out with people coming to stay with us.

[TechWife]

This is just bizarre to me. I've had numerous occasions to share vacation homes with people for a vacation my family is taking jointly and I've never expected anyone to feed my family of six. Who would do that? I mean, being able to use condiments and dishes and share the common areas, yes. But feed my entire family for days?? No way would I ever expect that.

 

ETA: sharing a vacation home is much different than hosting in a traditional sense. But even when I've hosted people at my own home who were visiting, not one person/family has failed to at least offer to chip in for groceries or something, and in thise cases I truly did expect to provide meals. But joint vacation at a vacation house? Meals are planned in advance (we alternate doing dinners each night) and bring our own preferences. Sharing is liberal, but not expected from either side.

 

Sharing a vacation home is different than coming to one as an invited guest. 

 

Yes, courteous guests who are in our home for more than a couple of days often offer to chip in for groceries or take everyone out for a nice dinner at least once. That is different than expecting an invited guest to foot the bill for their own stay. 

[bibiche]

If you are issuing an invitation, you are hosting. If you don't want to host, don't issue the invitations. I don't understand the dilemma.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I tend to feed everyone, it's kind of my "thing" but I don't expect to be fed when I go places.  So for me I'd assume if I invited people to stay I would be feeding them.  Since it's not feasible for you then I would warn them that you have a restricted diet and not much available to feed them.  For more than 1 night I would tell them that "because of our restricted diet I can not prepare food for everyone and I'm sure you'll understand that you need to feed your self?" Make it clear, and mention (if needed) that someone else in the past was unprepared and it caused a lot of trouble so now you just warn everyone.  

 

*If it was just for the day or 1 night I'd think you'd need to feed them diet restrictions or not.

[EmseB]

The OP invited people to come visit them in this vacation home. That is different than sharing a vacation home. Sharing a vacation home means that the vacation is planned by all parties involved and that expenses are covered in an agreed upon manner ahead of time.

Well, yes, expectations need to be clear ahead of time, but I'd never expect for someone inviting me to their vacation house to also feed my whole family for the duration. It just wouldn't cross my mind. That would be an insane expense, and honestly I don't have any friends that could afford to do that. I've never, in various similar situations, run across anyone else who expects that either. Even when I'm invited, there's meal planning and sharing. No one expects to be waited on as if they are staying at a resort with staff.

Edited April 23, 2016 by JodiSue

[Carol in Cal.]

The point isn't that you're not going to get help from people.  The point is that if you're hosting, while you graciously accept financial/groceries/meal planning/shopping help when offered, you don't ask for it.  And a good guest will offer, and will bring a nice hostess gift, and will at least take the whole crew out to some local place for dinner or something like that while they are there.  If someone isn't a good guest, the result should not be becoming a rude host.  Rather, it should be inviting them less often or not at all.

[EmseB]

Expecting a family to provide their own food in a shared, multi-family, vacation home situation, no matter who offers the use of the home, is not being a rude host. It just isn't.

 

The offer can be whatever it is. Offering free accommodations can be the invitation without other expectations. So because they can only provide free accommodations they just shouldn't invite people over? I am so glad I can invite people to vacation or stay with us without that kind of burden, honestly. Can't afford to feed a family of 6 for a week? Sorry, your hospitality isn't good enough.

Edited April 23, 2016 by JodiSue

[Lisa R.]

If you are issuing an invitation, you are hosting. If you don't want to host, don't issue the invitations. I don't understand the dilemma.

This is not a helpful comment. Since you don't understand the OP's dilemma, why post a comment?

 

OP, since this is a vacation home and you are also on vacation, you should absolutely not feel you need to plan, prepare and serve meals.

 

I also wouldn't invite people who hint around. They're being tacky.

 

I'd invite people who bring joy. I'd invite people who are likely to reciprocate--not by inviting you to a vacation but in other ways. You know, two-way friendships. It feels icky to be taken advantage of. Then, I'd make meal expectations clear. Maybe trade off for dinner if other family understands your food restrictions. Or, they bring their own food. If I had to make food for another family on vacation--I wouldn't want to go!

 

Also, I find it astonishing that a family would hint to be invited and then expect their family to be hosted and fed.

[DesertBlossom]

If you are issuing an invitation, you are hosting. If you don't want to host, don't issue the invitations. I don't understand the dilemma.

Really? Maybe it's because I have six kids that I would never just assume someone wants to feed us all. Sharing a vacation home doesn't necessarily cost them anything extra. But food is expensive. I figure if I am getting to stay in their home (or vacation home) for free the LEAST I can do is help pay for food.

[Garga]

Whatever you do, communicate clearly.

 

We went on vacation with friends last year. We agreed on shared dinners--a couple of stews and a chicken dish. The other family said, "We'll get the food and you can pay for your part of it." I figured maybe $60 or so? If that. It was just a couple of ground beef stews and some chicken for 3 nights.

 

We packed our own breakfast, lunch, and snack food.

 

When they arrived at the house, they started unloading TONS of food. Just TONS. And they kept saying things like, "We know your boys like X, so we got it for them," and on and on. I thought it was strange that they did that and nodded politely thinking, "I'm not going to help myself to all their food!" Later that night the other family said, "So, your share for the food is $250."

 

!!!!

 

When they said, "We'll get the food," they meant all the food--breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks--tailored to our picky eating needs. I thought they meant 3 dinners. They must have wondered why we brought so much stuff since they were getting all the food.

 

I paid them since they had put out a lot of money to buy us food and had obviously been trying really hard to please my picky boys. The thing is that they love to buy lots and lots of food. We would never, ever (and we didn't!) have packed all that food for just 5 days (3 nights). Once I realized what was going on, though, we had a lot of fun eating stuff we don't normally eat--pop tarts and chips and salsa, etc.

 

Whatever you do, be crystal clear. Don't say things like, 'It would be nice if you..." Say flat out, "We won't be providing meals. You'll need to buy and prepare your own stuff OR if you want us to combine meal prep, your portion of the cost is $XX. I'll need the money by such-and-such date so I can buy it before you arrive."

Edited April 23, 2016 by Garga

[TechWife]

 Can't afford to feed a family of 6 for a week? Sorry, your hospitality isn't good enough.

 

If I couldn't afford it, I wouldn't invite a family of six for a week. 

[eternalsummer]

If I couldn't afford it, I wouldn't invite a family of six for a week. 

 

Sucks for the family of six who would be happy to feed themselves but can't afford/find a vacation home in the OP's location.

[EmseB]

If I couldn't afford it, I wouldn't invite a family of six for a week.

That's so sad.

 

 

So you'd never make arrangements to spend time with the family on vacation - if they had to bring some food for themselves? How many people can afford to feed an additional family of six? No one can make mutually agreeable arrangements beyond the narrow scope of your hosting requirements? This just sounds so crazy lonely and unnecessarily restrictive. I mean, pot-luck situations are ok, right, as long as everyone knows up front what they are expected to bring? And if pot luck is too low class or too much trouble for someone, they can decline the invitation. But to say someone can't offer free shared accommodations to another family because they can't afford to feed them for a week just...seems like no fun for anyone. Nevermind that if we combined resources we could all have a great time. You get a free vacation house and we all have a great time.

 

I'm glad I don't live in such a restrictive world, and shocked it really exists. I'd have missed out on the company of a lot of great people and fun times. We've benefited from a friend's parent's time share, or a neighbor's parent's ski cottage, or a rented beach house, and it wouldn't occur to me to be too good to bring my own food for the week or that the inviting family was rude for meal planning with me.

[KungFuPanda]

Have a policy and announce it. Do whatever makes it worth your while. You do dinner, guests do lunch, breakfast is a free-for-all. Or the other family is responsible for the meals every other day. Or simply don't invite people who don't freely offer to carry their weight. It's easier to have an uncomfortable conversation than it is to LIVE with people who teat you like a servant for days on end.

[TechWife]

That's so sad.

 

 

So you'd never make arrangements to spend time with the family on vacation - if they had to bring some food for themselves? How many people can afford to feed an additional family of six? No one can make mutually agreeable arrangements beyond the narrow scope of your hosting requirements? This just sounds so crazy lonely and unnecessarily restrictive. I mean, pot-luck situations are ok, right, as long as everyone knows up front what they are expected to bring? And if pot luck is too low class or too much trouble for someone, they can decline the invitation. But to say someone can't offer free shared accommodations to another family because they can't afford to feed them for a week just...seems like no fun for anyone. Nevermind that if we combined resources we could all have a great time. You get a free vacation house and we all have a great time.

 

I'm glad I don't live in such a restrictive world, and shocked it really exists. I'd have missed out on the company of a lot of great people and fun times. We've benefited from a friend's parent's time share, or a neighbor's parent's ski cottage, or a rented beach house, and it wouldn't occur to me to be too good to bring my own food for the week or that the inviting family was rude for meal planning with me.

 

Good grief. No, I would not invite guests that I could not afford to treat as my guests. I would not invite one guest I could not afford to treat as a guest, six guests or twenty guests, if I could not afford to treat them as guests. 

 

I would, however, gladly plan a joint vacation, sharing expenses (including food, or even exclusively sharing food expenses, but not other expenses).   

 

I've done beach trips both ways. No problem.

 

I don't find that restrictive at all.

 

I've never heard of generosity towards guests being treated in such a negative manner as on this thread. I find it very odd.   

 

ETA: I don't consider myself "too good" to bring food or pay for groceries when needed or requested. Joint vacations are fine, family vacations are fine. FWIW, I don't consider family to be guests unless they are people we rarely see. I have two close friends, we don't consider them to be guests, they are more like family. When I am inviting guests, I consider it my responsibility to provide food for them. 

 

 

Edited April 24, 2016 by TechWife

[TechWife]

Sucks for the family of six who would be happy to feed themselves but can't afford/find a vacation home in the OP's location.

 

Dunno. I grew up in a family of seven (five kids, two parents). We couldn't afford to vacation, so we didn't. Well, okay, we pitched a tent at a campground a few times. That wasn't so much a vacation for my parents, I don't think. They had a lot of work to do.  I didn't think it was a bad thing then, and I still don't. 

 

 

Edited April 24, 2016 by TechWife