meal etiquette for someone invites you to their vacation home

[marbel]

Must be cultural/regional........ because I can't fathom my guests going to the store or bringing their own food unless they had some kind of major restriction. I would be offended if someone thought they needed to bring their own food or offered me money. It's like saying "we don't think you can afford to host us". That said, if we have company for more than a couple of days, they often do treat us to a dinner out somewhere during that time. And I'm certainly NOT CLUELESS if I don't give the hosts money or bring food to someone else's house when I go there for a few days. I would imagine that the overwhelming majority of our friends and family would be offended if I did so. But like most of my guests, I do bring some wine, usually a bottle per day, and treat them to a meal out.

 

See I think it can be very natural.  I'm not talking about an exchange of cash.  What is wrong with a houseguest offering to go out and pick up more milk or whatever groceries might be needed, or the host and guest shopping together and splitting the bill (well, there's an exchange of money but it's similar to splitting the bill in a restaurant).   Or, if practical, bringing along a favorite dessert, or some chocolates, or something to drink (wine, beer, or some soda, whatever they like).  Offering to take the hosts out to dinner.  Offering to grocery shop and cook one night.

 

I think it would be different, too, if there was reciprocity between host and guest. When some friends of ours moved 2 hours away, we'd frequently spend weekends together at one or the other's house.   We knew it would all work out.  Still, one of us would bring something occasionally.

 

But anyway you've said you are already doing some of those things and so do your houseguests - bringing wine, taking the hosts out for a meal. So, clearly you are not a clueless guest, and neither are the people that you  host. 

 

Edited April 25, 2016 by marbel

[bibiche]

Surely, there is a middle ground, though? It aounds like these friend and family members very much want to be invited. It seems reasonable for OP to try and figure out how she can accommodate them without breaking the bank. I think there have been lots of great suggestions for handling it in a way that very few would ever take offense at. I guess if someone did take offense, then, if it were me, I would have to stop issuing them an invitation.

Etiquette exists for a reason, just as the code of the road exists for a reason: so that everyone knows what is expected of them. In the OP's situation, sure there is a middle ground, but that changes (negates) the host/guest dynamic. That is a shared vacation and comes with a completely different set of rules that should be understood by everyone beforehand. And once you relinquish your role as a host, you can't complain when your "guests" don't act as proper guests should.

 

If I didn't want to assume host duties, I wouldn't invite people in that capacity. If I didn't want to be a gracious guest, I wouldn't accept an invitation.

[Lara in Colo]

I have a neighbor that invites me up to her cabin every 4th of July and the first thing she and I do is sit and map out the meals.  We break down the meals into number of breakfasts, lunches and dinner-- also snacks and extras. Since it is just her and her husband vs my family of 6, I generally take the more expensive meals.

To the OP-- if you want to easily bring up the subject, you could say something as simple as,
Would you like to come up the weekend of the 3rd?  Great, lets take a few minutes to plan the menus and so we don't bring the same stuff-- it would be terrible if we both brought hotdogs and we didn't bring any buns...... Lets see, there are three lunches and three breakfasts and two dinners, how about we each take one of each and that just leaves a breakfast and a lunch, which do you want?  Now what are you planning for YOUR lunches--remember with your family and mine there are 10 people to feed..........  

[aggie96]

We host at our home very often.  Typically we have 8-15 additional adults/kids over 1-2 times a week.  Our neighbors and friends also host 1-2 times a month for a large group.  Everyone has always just bluntly said "Join us for XYZ.  Bring your own ABC."  Sometimes that means just bring a chair.  Sometimes that means just bring your booze.  Sometimes that means bring your own meat for the grill.  Sometimes that means just bring a side dish.  It seems to work.  My parents are building a beach house 1.5hrs from us.  It'll be ready this summer.  I know we will be entertaining/hosting there often.  We'll extend any invites the same.  BYOBnF (booze and food--staples will be on hand i.e. condiments, linens, internet, propane, ice, water, etc).

 

In OP case, I would just be more direct.  "Hey, we are going to the beach house. Y'all are welcome to join us! We can't supply the food for everyone, but grab some groceries and head on down!"  If they are offended, they won't come, which might be disappointing BUT you will not have to provide an all-inclusive vacation for them.

Edited April 25, 2016 by aggie96

[Guest]

I agree with this completely. Part of being a host is feeding people. If I couldn't afford to feed them, I wouldn't invite them.

 

I agree with this in theory in reality, when you have a vacation home in a hot spot, people invite themselves along. It then becomes a matter of saying no, which can be very uncomfortable, or making some suggestions along these lines IFit is an issue.

 

We have often let people use our vacation home without us and over 15 years, only one family didn't leave it in pristine condition. We had to go down midweek to clean up their mess. They also were the only ones who presumed on our hospitality to invite another family along (waaaay too many people for our place) and they also were the only ones who didn't write a thank you note or leave a gift behind ($10 or less). Mist people who stayed ther while we were there were full participants in food purchase, prep, dish-washing and clean-up. We didn't have to ask for help very often. The exception was the bed-changing, which is why I brought it up.

 

Vacation homes have a different dynamic.

 

 

 

That is not the same thing as inviting someone to share your home (vacation or otherwise). On a cruise, the person isn't acting as a host.