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meal etiquette for someone invites you to their vacation home


Sharon77
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OP, we have a cabin in the woods, and guests most definitely bring food.

 

They would be really sad if we stopped inviting them altogether because we can't afford all of the food on our own! We provide sleeping accommodations, scenery, walking trails, four-wheelers to drive, and other fun stuff. Because I know a lot of people enjoy it and don't have a camp of their own, I have no problem saying "please bring x, y, and z." 

 

And I can't imagine thinking that not inviting them at all is a better solution. I've been invited on occasion to vacation homes or destinations, and believe me I was thrilled to bring food and other supplies. Not being invited would not have been preferable in any way! 

 

The normal rules of taking turns as host don't apply, because the entire point is that most people don't have access to a vacation home or live in a vacation destination. I think it's just fine to offer what you can offer in plain terms, and they are free to accept or decline. 

Edited by katilac
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If course not a bad thing - we were never vacationers either.  But if the only two options are:

1. Go to beach house and bed fed for a week.

or

2. don't go to beach house

 

and the third option,

3. Go to beach house but bring your own food

 

were not offered, then some people will have lost out (that is, those who wanted to go to a beach house and could afford to feed themselves but not pay for lodging).

 

I don't think anyone is saying generosity is bad (maybe I misread, though?) but rather that requiring a certain level of generosity in order to be allowed to offer any generosity at all is bad.

 

Clearly for the OP, there is a middle ground she'd like to reach - she wants to be able to invite people to come stay at the vacation place, but she can't afford (or doesn't want to afford) to feed them all.  You are saying that that middle ground is unacceptable.  I disagree.

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We've frequently rented a beach house for a month in the fall. So, we've very often had guests join us for a weekend to up to a week at a time. 

 

In our experience, I generally handle stocking the house with eats since we're there so long. Guests always offer to buy groceries and generally take the family out for a NICE dinner out (as in, 150-200 for 6-8 people). Here are some tips to get people thinking the right way . . .

 

Tell them, in advance:

 

"I've got dinners planned for the week(end) for most meals, but why don't you take charge of 1 (or 2 if it's a week) dinner(s). There are nice places to take us all out, or you can bring something frozen or made ahead, or groceries to cook. The house is pretty well stocked with cookware."

 

"We do casual breakfasts and lunches . . . I've got most of our regular cereals and stuff, but why don't you bring a few cereals or muffins or whatever you like for breakfast, and a pile of fruit. We don't drink coffee, so bring whatever you like for that!"

 

"Since we'll be together for 5 nights, let's each plan to take care of shopping and cooking for 2, and then we can either go out or just order pizza for the fifth dinner.

 

"Here's some stuff you should bring:

 

+ Beach towels

+ a couple packs of toilet paper and paper towels

+ any special foods or drinks you want to have

+ your own toiletries

+ loads of sunscreen

+ fixings for 2 dinners

+ a few boxes of cereals or muffins or bagels or whatever

+ fixings for some lunches and snack foods"

 

And, FWIW, having BTDT on the hosting end, when we are the guests, I always bring paper products along with loads of food . . . and I always insist on doing any grocery or liquor store runs if anything needs to be picked up . . .. and I always insist on taking everyone out to at least one nice meal. 

 

Those little costs (paper products, sunscreen, and of course food) really add up! Just be assertive and clear. 

 

Thankfully, our guests over the years have generally had good guest manners. :) 

 

 

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Good grief. No, I would not invite guests that I could not afford to treat as my guests. I would not invite one guest I could not afford to treat as a guest, six guests or twenty guests, if I could not afford to treat them as guests. 

 

<snip>

 

I've never heard of generosity towards guests being treated in such a negative manner as on this thread. I find it very odd.   

 

<snip>

 

I don't think people are treating generosity towards guests in a negative manner. Rather, I think that they are embracing the idea that offering generosity at whatever level one can manage is better than not offering any at all. Offers can be accepted or declined. 

 

Do you feel the same way about potluck dinners or dessert parties? I view dinners and parties in the same way as vacation homes: Sometimes I am officially hosting, and in that case I do all of the work and provide all of the food. Other times, I happen to know that a group would like to get together for a certain reason. I may not be able or willing to host, but I might offer my house as the venue, with everyone contributing toward work and expenses. 

 

I think we can get too caught up in wording and etiquette. If not being able to treat someone as a full-on "guest" leads to people missing out on really fun things that they would love to do, that's backwards in my mind. Boardies, someone please invent a word that means "someone who is invited to enjoy free housing and other swag, but is also expected to buy some food," lol. 

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Generosity is awesome! It's extremely generous to offer free accommodations to friends who would otherwise not have access to a vacation home. It's even generous to offer it to people if food is not included. If they don't think it's worth it, they are free to decline. The OP is not rude to offer free accommodations to their friends.

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Good grief. No, I would not invite guests that I could not afford to treat as my guests. I would not invite one guest I could not afford to treat as a guest, six guests or twenty guests, if I could not afford to treat them as guests. 

 

<snip>

 

So, you can't imagine yourself saying something like this to a friend:

 

"We'd love to have you join us at our beach house x weekend.  If you can make it, let me know if you want to just bring your own food, or if you'd like us to plan it together.  I don't really have a preference."  The person gets the invitation, understands that they will be contributing to food, and can go from there.

 

Or: "We'd love to have you come to the beach house.  You know we have some food restrictions, so let's each take care of our own food, OK?  There will be plenty of room in the fridge and cabinets for your stuff, and don't worry about things like condiments, milk, coffee, [whatever], unless you have something in particular you like.  I can also give you the names of some good local places if you want to eat some meals out."

 

Why would that be a problem?  Why would you prefer not to invite people at all if you could not afford to foot the bill for everyone's food for the length of the stay?  

 

 

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So, you can't imagine yourself saying something like this to a friend:

 

"We'd love to have you join us at our beach house x weekend. If you can make it, let me know if you want to just bring your own food, or if you'd like us to plan it together. I don't really have a preference." The person gets the invitation, understands that they will be contributing to food, and can go from there.

 

Or: "We'd love to have you come to the beach house. You know we have some food restrictions, so let's each take care of our own food, OK? There will be plenty of room in the fridge and cabinets for your stuff, and don't worry about things like condiments, milk, coffee, [whatever], unless you have something in particular you like. I can also give you the names of some good local places if you want to eat some meals out."

 

Why would that be a problem? Why would you prefer not to invite people at all if you could not afford to foot the bill for everyone's food for the length of the stay?

Not just why would she prefer not to invite herself, but insist that it is rude for anyone else to do any of the above. That is what's baffling to me, because so often that's how we take vacations with friends. We've been on the inviting and invited end and it's just crazy to me that people would feel so put upon as hosts that they would choose to be alone rather than make perfectly logical, agreeable arrangements to share some cost of feeding a large amount of people for a whole week. We'd have had a lot fewer vacations and fun times in my life if it always fell to one person to feed 15-20 people in two or three families over the course of a week because that would be cost prohibitive for almost everyone I know and it would relegate one person to the kitchen for their entire vacation.

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Really? Maybe it's because I have six kids that I would never just assume someone wants to feed us all. Sharing a vacation home doesn't necessarily cost them anything extra. But food is expensive. I figure if I am getting to stay in their home (or vacation home) for free the LEAST I can do is help pay for food.

Which makes you a good guest.  :)

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My brother has done this (invited us and other family members to a vacation place). He said up front he'd shop for basics and we'd split the bill X number of ways. Basically, that was cereal and sandwich makings so no one would be hungry, but he wasn't asking for a lot of money to do it. Some ate none of that but it was only a $5 a day or so.

 

Then, if you wanted something more or different, you got more at the store yourself. And, if you wanted to share, you could.

 

Edit: I should say that, in the OPs position, I would feel anxiety about asking people to bring food, especially if its the same people who have come in the past. Partly it's because I find it weird they haven't offered to help with the food to begin with, so they might have different norms or just be plain oblivious. And partly it's because I overthink everything.

Edited by tm919
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If course not a bad thing - we were never vacationers either.  But if the only two options are:

1. Go to beach house and bed fed for a week.

or

2. don't go to beach house

 

and the third option,

3. Go to beach house but bring your own food

 

were not offered, then some people will have lost out (that is, those who wanted to go to a beach house and could afford to feed themselves but not pay for lodging).

 

I don't think anyone is saying generosity is bad (maybe I misread, though?) but rather that requiring a certain level of generosity in order to be allowed to offer any generosity at all is bad.

 

Clearly for the OP, there is a middle ground she'd like to reach - she wants to be able to invite people to come stay at the vacation place, but she can't afford (or doesn't want to afford) to feed them all.  You are saying that that middle ground is unacceptable.  I disagree.

 

I guess I don't consider it loosing out if you don't go on vacation. I don't require a certain "level" of generosity. Instead, I think generosity should always be offered within one's means. I wouldn't have invited people to be my guest at a vacation home under the circumstances you describe. I would have been up front from the beginning. Something along the lines of "You are welcome to join us our third week there if we can share food expenses" is perfectly acceptable. Inviting someone to join you and then going back to them at a later time and expecting them to foot part of the bill isn't something I would do. I can imagine that some people would be more of a "guest" and others would be more of a shared vacation if it were a long vacation. It would totally depend on who they were. 

 

I don't think a middle ground is unacceptable, I do think it should be thought through ahead of time and expectations stated and settled up front. 

 

All of this to say, though, that  I can't imagine anyone I know hinting that I should invite them along on my vacation, either. It's rather presumptuous and I think the OP is being extremely generous to have these folks along no matter what she decides to do with the food expenses. 

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So, you can't imagine yourself saying something like this to a friend:

 

"We'd love to have you join us at our beach house x weekend.  If you can make it, let me know if you want to just bring your own food, or if you'd like us to plan it together.  I don't really have a preference."  The person gets the invitation, understands that they will be contributing to food, and can go from there.

 

Or: "We'd love to have you come to the beach house.  You know we have some food restrictions, so let's each take care of our own food, OK?  There will be plenty of room in the fridge and cabinets for your stuff, and don't worry about things like condiments, milk, coffee, [whatever], unless you have something in particular you like.  I can also give you the names of some good local places if you want to eat some meals out."

 

Why would that be a problem?  Why would you prefer not to invite people at all if you could not afford to foot the bill for everyone's food for the length of the stay?  

 

Stated up front at the time that the trip is first discussed is perfectly acceptable. I don't have a problem with either of these scenarios. 

 

I would feel badly if the family couldn't come because they couldn't afford food for the week, though. I imagine at certain times of the month/year that could be difficult for some families. 

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I don't think people are treating generosity towards guests in a negative manner. Rather, I think that they are embracing the idea that offering generosity at whatever level one can manage is better than not offering any at all. Offers can be accepted or declined. 

 

Do you feel the same way about potluck dinners or dessert parties? I view dinners and parties in the same way as vacation homes: Sometimes I am officially hosting, and in that case I do all of the work and provide all of the food. Other times, I happen to know that a group would like to get together for a certain reason. I may not be able or willing to host, but I might offer my house as the venue, with everyone contributing toward work and expenses. 

 

I think we can get too caught up in wording and etiquette. If not being able to treat someone as a full-on "guest" leads to people missing out on really fun things that they would love to do, that's backwards in my mind. Boardies, someone please invent a word that means "someone who is invited to enjoy free housing and other swag, but is also expected to buy some food," lol. 

 

No, I don't feel the same way about potluck dinners or dessert parties. They are organized as such and the expectation is set up front. The sharing is part of the fun on those occasions, IMO. I would not, however, invite an individual or one family to my home for dessert and expect them to bring it with them.  Usually our friends offer to bring something and we often take them up on it, but I would not expect them to do so. 

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I think some key words that stand out to me in the OP are the use of the words "home" and "invite." Those two things mean hosting to me. If I were simply renting a condo at the beach (which we do), I don't consider it my home. I do still consider us to be hosting under most circumstances, but it isn't my home and the same amenities may or may not be available in a temporary rental situation. But, again, expectations should be stated up front. 

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I guess I don't consider it loosing out if you don't go on vacation. I don't require a certain "level" of generosity. Instead, I think generosity should always be offered within one's means. I wouldn't have invited people to be my guest at a vacation home under the circumstances you describe. I would have been up front from the beginning. Something along the lines of "You are welcome to join us our third week there if we can share food expenses" is perfectly acceptable. Inviting someone to join you and then going back to them at a later time and expecting them to foot part of the bill isn't something I would do. I can imagine that some people would be more of a "guest" and others would be more of a shared vacation if it were a long vacation. It would totally depend on who they were. 

 

I don't think a middle ground is unacceptable, I do think it should be thought through ahead of time and expectations stated and settled up front. 

 

All of this to say, though, that  I can't imagine anyone I know hinting that I should invite them along on my vacation, either. It's rather presumptuous and I think the OP is being extremely generous to have these folks along no matter what she decides to do with the food expenses. 

 

I don't think it's devastating if one can't go on vacation, but I do think it's losing out if a kid could go have a great time and experience something new. 

 

I think there's a bit of disconnect going on in the thread, because most people are suggesting exactly what you are saying here: be upfront, discuss it in advance. I don't think most of us got that from your original posts. 

 

 

I would feel badly if the family couldn't come because they couldn't afford food for the week, though. I imagine at certain times of the month/year that could be difficult for some families. 

 

:confused1:  But they have to eat whether they are at home or not! 

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Wow, when we were invited to someone's vacation home, we offered and arranged to prepare a meal one night and breakfast one morning - for everyone.  The other days we bought our own light breakfast food to have in the mornings (cereal/oatmeal) and some sandwich stuff.  We would never have expected to be fed in a million years.

 

:iagree: This is what we did. The host was very upfront, as three total families would be there. We were to provide one dinner each for everyone and one breakfast and they had condiments and cereal. In return we used their water, their electricity, their jet skis, and their boat. They rotated hosting people, but always expected some help with meals as they were an older couple with grown children and always invited families with younger children so they could enjoy the lake. 

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Not just why would she prefer not to invite herself, but insist that it is rude for anyone else to do any of the above. That is what's baffling to me, because so often that's how we take vacations with friends. We've been on the inviting and invited end and it's just crazy to me that people would feel so put upon as hosts that they would choose to be alone rather than make perfectly logical, agreeable arrangements to share some cost of feeding a large amount of people for a whole week. We'd have had a lot fewer vacations and fun times in my life if it always fell to one person to feed 15-20 people in two or three families over the course of a week because that would be cost prohibitive for almost everyone I know and it would relegate one person to the kitchen for their entire vacation.

 

I never said it was rude for people to do so. Don't put words in my mouth. I prefer to entertain within my means.  I am a  "host" when I "invite" "guests" to my "home." It doesn't matter where that home is. The point is that I invited them.  If I invite" a "guest" to my "home" I expect to "host" them, and that includes meeting their needs.

 

Cost sharing arrangements are just fine in special circumstances when arranged ahead of time. 

 

If I am not comfortable having a discussion about sharing vacation expenses with someone, then I can't imagine I would be close enough to them to plan to vacation with them in the first place.  Does that mean I'm rude? No, it doesn't. I'm under no obligation to spend my vacation with people I am not close to. 

Edited by TechWife
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I don't think it's devastating if one can't go on vacation, but I do think it's losing out if a kid could go have a great time and experience something new. 

 

I think there's a bit of disconnect going on in the thread, because most people are suggesting exactly what you are saying here: be upfront, discuss it in advance. I don't think most of us got that from your original posts. 

 

 

:confused1:  But they have to eat whether they are at home or not! 

 

 

There does seem to be some kind of disconnect. 

 

Yes, they have to eat even when they are home, I agree. However, they may have done their shopping based upon their needs at home, such as having a stocked freezer, bulk shopping, shopping after a paycheck, etc.. and may not have additional money to spend on vacation food. If they are traveling some distance, it may not be practical for them to bring food from home along. Prices in some vacation areas are higher and I think people tend to purchase more convenience foods on trips (of course, that's a personal choice). 

 

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Stated up front at the time that the trip is first discussed is perfectly acceptable. I don't have a problem with either of these scenarios. 

 

I would feel badly if the family couldn't come because they couldn't afford food for the week, though. I imagine at certain times of the month/year that could be difficult for some families. 

 

I am very confused by your posts. Earlier you said you would not invite people if you could not host them at your expense.  In my two scenarios, the host is inviting people to their own vacatoin home (not a shared rental) but not hosting them as far as paying for all their food.

 

So I've no idea at this point what your philosophy is.  I think you must be using some definitions of words that I (and perhaps others) are not privy to.

 

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I never said it was rude for people to do so. Don't put words in my mouth. I prefer to entertain within my means. I am a "host" when I "invite" "guests" to my "home." It doesn't matter where that home is. The point is that I invited them. If I invite" a "guest" to my "home" I expect to "host" them, and that includes meeting their needs.

 

Cost sharing arrangements are just fine in special circumstances when arranged ahead of time.

 

If I am not comfortable having a discussion about sharing vacation expenses with someone, then I can't imagine I would be close enough to them to plan to vacation with them in the first place. Does that mean I'm rude? No, it doesn't. I'm under no obligation to spend my vacation with people I am not close to.

I apologize, I looked back and it was Carol who used the term rude, and then later you quoted and agreed with her, so that's where I thought you were using the term rude.

 

The OP is trying to find a way to entertain within her means. Her means are offering up great, free accommodations.

 

I just totally don't understand what you're getting at with all of this, to be honest. No, if you don't want to spend vacation time with someone that doesn't make you a rude person (??). However, if, like the OP, you would like to vacation with certain people, but have differing ideas about what exactly is being offered and assumed with the invite, looking for a gracious way to discuss it isn't rude. What I'm responding to is the idea of bringing up shared food costs is so beyond the pale that the OP shouldn't even invite people because she can't afford to feed and wait on them. That is what I think is bizarre. We're not talking about having people over for a dinner party. She wants to offer free vacation digs to her friends for fun and mutual enjoyment. Many people do this without taking on the entire burden of hosting by discussing up front what's expected of each party. That's exactly what everyone is talking about. How else would one go about it?

 

I think of this like a camping situation. If I invited another family to come camping with me at a spot I reserved, I'd expect numerous detailed conversations about set up, food, tents, etc. I would not expect another family to show up and expect me to set up their tent and cook all their camp meals. I think that's the closest example I can think of that relates to a shared vacay house situation. Planning, discussing, and managing expectations.

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I am very confused by your posts. Earlier you said you would not invite people if you could not host them at your expense.  In my two scenarios, the host is inviting people to their own vacatoin home (not a shared rental) but not hosting them as far as paying for all their food.

 

So I've no idea at this point what your philosophy is.  I think you must be using some definitions of words that I (and perhaps others) are not privy to.

 

 

Let me try to clarify. 

 

Planning ahead for a shared vacation is acceptable. Inviting someone as your guest and then not providing for them is not acceptable. Inviting someone without clarifying cost sharing arrangements and then going back to them to ask for money is not acceptable.

 

What would be the scenario in the situations you describe if the person could not share the food expenses for whatever reason? Is their company not wanted? Do you withdraw the invitation? 

 

I wouldn't invite someone to come to my home (vacation or otherwise) without being prepared to feed them. Period. If we work out an arrangement to share expenses, making it a shared vacation instead of a guest situation, that's fine, as long as it's done ahead of time. However, I would want to be in a position, if they said that wasn't possible for them,  to say "Why don't you come anyway, our treat?" I would feel really bad if I invited someone and they declined for financial reasons. If I suspect that might be the case, I'd rather initially issue it as an invitation to be our guests for the weekend/week/whatever, than to approach it as a vacation sharing situation. I wouldn't be comfortable withdrawing an invitation to my home (vacation or otherwise) based upon the finances of my friends. 

 

Like I said before, though. I can't imagine spending vacation time with people I wasn't comfortable planning with, no matter how the finances were handled for the trip. Spending vacation with casual friends is not my cup of tea. 

Edited by TechWife
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I would feel really bad if I invited someone and they declined for financial reasons. If I suspect that might be the case, I'd rather initially issue it as an invitation to be our guests for the weekend/week/whatever, than to approach it as a vacation sharing situation. I wouldn't be comfortable withdrawing an invitation to my home (vacation or otherwise) based upon the finances of my friends. 

 

I can see that, but honestly I think it's usually pretty obvious if a person is in such dire financial straits that buying food is untenable. I get that we often buy more expensive food for vacation than we do for a regular week at home, but it's certainly not a requirement. When we had little kids and little money, our vacation food was cooked at home, frozen, and brought in an ice chest. 

 

I just really don't think people not being able to afford food is one of the base problems in this scenario. 

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I would not invite people that I didn't intend to actually host.  Hosting includes meals and spending time together.  

I would cut back my invitations to a level that would make me feel good about providing food, shelter, and good company, and enjoy that.

 

As a guest, I would offer to bring stuff and to do some cooking and/or cleaning, and as a host I would graciously accept such offers, but I know it would be rude to solicit them so I would not do so.

 

To me, this is similar to charging for a wedding reception spot.  Bottom line, if you can't or don't care to host, don't invite.

 

 

I used to believe and do exactly this...if I invited, I did everything.

 

But as I've gotten older, things aren't so cut and dry and I don't know what the boundaries/manners and etiquette should be.

 

For example, my kids want a certain friend to come. This kid cannot drive, so that means his mom has to drive him. I'm friendly with the mom, and there are siblings involved. I can't just leave them out. So I invite the mom to bring her kids for a overnight.

 

But I don't want to cook and clean the whole time either. 

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I agree with this completely. Part of being a host is feeding people. If I couldn't afford to feed them, I wouldn't invite them. 

 

 

 

I can afford to feed people...but I have no desire to prepare, cook and clean up for breakfast, lunch and dinner meals for 10-12 people for even a day. 

 

I've had days where I literally am in the kitchen the whole day, while everyone else is out.

 

What is the purpose of that?

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Let me try to clarify. 

 

Planning ahead for a shared vacation is acceptable. Inviting someone as your guest and then not providing for them is not acceptable. Inviting someone without clarifying cost sharing arrangements and then going back to them to ask for money is not acceptable.

 

What would be the scenario in the situations you describe if the person could not share the food expenses for whatever reason? Is their company not wanted? Do you withdraw the invitation? 

 

I wouldn't invite someone to come to my home (vacation or otherwise) without being prepared to feed them. Period. If we work out an arrangement to share expenses, making it a shared vacation instead of a guest situation, that's fine, as long as it's done ahead of time. However, I would want to be in a position, if they said that wasn't possible for them,  to say "Why don't you come anyway, our treat?" I would feel really bad if I invited someone and they declined for financial reasons. If I suspect that might be the case, I'd rather initially issue it as an invitation to be our guests for the weekend/week/whatever, than to approach it as a vacation sharing situation. I wouldn't be comfortable withdrawing an invitation to my home (vacation or otherwise) based upon the finances of my friends. 

 

Like I said before, though. I can't imagine spending vacation time with people I wasn't comfortable planning with, no matter how the finances were handled for the trip. Spending vacation with casual friends is not my cup of tea. 

 

OK, I think I see where the disconnect is.  I think it's in the notion of the shared vacation. 

 

To me a shared vacation happens when a group of people get some campsites or rent a condo together.  Or, it would be a shared vacation if my neighbor offered to let me use her beach house for a week, and I called a friend and said "hey, I've got a line on a free beach house x weekend, want to plan something?" 

 

When one person owns the house, it's no longer a shared vacation.  The cost of the lodging is being paid by the owner of the house; anyone they invite is a guest.  How they manage the invitation (what the terms are) is up to the person who owns the home.

 

As to the bolded, of course their company would still be wanted!  But if they can't meet the terms of the invitation, they need to decline.  Among very close friends, they might be able to say "sounds great, but our grocery budget is blown so we'll have to say no" at which point the homeowner (who is providing lodging at their expense, remember), can say "oh, we really want you to come, so let us spot you on this one" or "darn, sorry it won't work out, maybe another time."  That 2nd bit is not withdrawing the invitation, because the potential guests could not meet the terms, just the same as if they had another commitment.  It would be quite rude of someone to respond to an invitation to a weekend away by saying "oh, we can't make it that weekend, but how about the next one?"  It's the same thing.  A person responds to the invitation they get.

 

Honestly, if having to buy food was a problem, I'd be a bit baffled because, as another poster said, they have to eat.  I'd think it might be an excuse not to go.  But I suppose it's possible that could be a barrier. 

 

 

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So there are some people who would expect to be fed if I invited them, but most would not. That is all I wanted to know.

 

My parents are immigrants, so throughout my life, I have felt like I was missing a handbook in regards to growing up American! lol!

 

Many times, I have no idea what is appropriate or not.

 

I am very social and love hanging out with people but have grown to hate it if all it means for me is tons of prep just to have them over. With my kids all being teens, I cook tons all the time as it is, I don't want to cook for even more people.

 

Hosting several people can feel like I'm running a mess hall.

 

Thanks again for your responses

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It seems to me that if I knew someone well enough to want to share my vacation with them, I would feel comfortable just talking in an upfront way about how we would handle the food. It's a casual, friendly relationship that should be able to handle a casual, friendly sharing of food.

 

If it is not that kind of relationship, I just wouldn't invite them. But then I am particular about who I spend my vacation time with.

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A vacation home is different than one's home. The person who has the right to be there without invitation is on vacation. People who come to visit someone's vacation home should recognize that. Expecting to be served is not appropriate.

When I visit a home (vacation or not) for more than 3 days, I would never expect to be provided for and served the whole time. I would expect to at least one make meal for the host's family.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with inviting people to come stay and bring their own food. Because there are people who take advantage, but for whatever reason you still want to invite them. There are also people who don't know how to be good guests. So, spell it out.

Feel free to respond to hints: We'd love for you to stay. Let us know your availability and we'll name a week. I limit my cooking while I am on vacation, so don't forget to bring your own food. You want to buy it before you get here. We have a full kitchen for you to use. If you don't want to cook, there are a few local restaurants you can check out with you family during your stay. Then, when people come without food, you have to stick to not feeding them. Remind them when they are unpacking which cabinet in the kitchen and which shelf in the refrigerator to use. For particularly difficult guests plan to be out kayaking (or something) with your kids only during dinner so it's clear they are fending for themselves.

There's rudeness in people who hint they want to be invited. There isn't rudeness and providing a place to stay and not food.

Edited by Diana P.
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Whatever you do, communicate clearly.

 

We went on vacation with friends last year. We agreed on shared dinners--a couple of stews and a chicken dish. The other family said, "We'll get the food and you can pay for your part of it." I figured maybe $60 or so? If that. It was just a couple of ground beef stews and some chicken for 3 nights.

 

We packed our own breakfast, lunch, and snack food.

 

When they arrived at the house, they started unloading TONS of food. Just TONS. And they kept saying things like, "We know your boys like X, so we got it for them," and on and on. I thought it was strange that they did that and nodded politely thinking, "I'm not going to help myself to all their food!" Later that night the other family said, "So, your share for the food is $250."

 

!!!!

 

When they said, "We'll get the food," they meant all the food--breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks--tailored to our picky eating needs. I thought they meant 3 dinners. They must have wondered why we brought so much stuff since they were getting all the food.

 

I paid them since they had put out a lot of money to buy us food and had obviously been trying really hard to please my picky boys. The thing is that they love to buy lots and lots of food. We would never, ever (and we didn't!) have packed all that food for just 5 days (3 nights). Once I realized what was going on, though, we had a lot of fun eating stuff we don't normally eat--pop tarts and chips and salsa, etc.

 

Whatever you do, be crystal clear. Don't say things like, 'It would be nice if you..." Say flat out, "We won't be providing meals. You'll need to buy and prepare your own stuff OR if you want us to combine meal prep, your portion of the cost is $XX. I'll need the money by such-and-such date so I can buy it before you arrive."

It was similar to this one year when I went to OBX with all my in-laws. There was a nice, organized meal rotation, and an expected contribution to the community pot for things like dish detergent and aluminum foil. But, for one thing, the person who bought the community things bought giant Costco-sixed things that were unnecessary. I would have bought a Dollar store dish detergent, KWIM? Also, a few of the ladies bought an enormous amount of community food and then wanted an equal share payment. It was too much food; the peaches and strawberrries were rotting at the back of the fridge - the whole thing just annoyed me all vacation long.

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OK, I think I see where the disconnect is. I think it's in the notion of the shared vacation.

 

To me a shared vacation happens when a group of people get some campsites or rent a condo together. Or, it would be a shared vacation if my neighbor offered to let me use her beach house for a week, and I called a friend and said "hey, I've got a line on a free beach house x weekend, want to plan something?"

 

When one person owns the house, it's no longer a shared vacation. The cost of the lodging is being paid by the owner of the house; anyone they invite is a guest. How they manage the invitation (what the terms are) is up to the person who owns the home.

 

As to the bolded, of course their company would still be wanted! But if they can't meet the terms of the invitation, they need to decline. Among very close friends, they might be able to say "sounds great, but our grocery budget is blown so we'll have to say no" at which point the homeowner (who is providing lodging at their expense, remember), can say "oh, we really want you to come, so let us spot you on this one" or "darn, sorry it won't work out, maybe another time." That 2nd bit is not withdrawing the invitation, because the potential guests could not meet the terms, just the same as if they had another commitment. It would be quite rude of someone to respond to an invitation to a weekend away by saying "oh, we can't make it that weekend, but how about the next one?" It's the same thing. A person responds to the invitation they get.

 

Honestly, if having to buy food was a problem, I'd be a bit baffled because, as another poster said, they have to eat. I'd think it might be an excuse not to go. But I suppose it's possible that could be a barrier.

 

 

This is my thought, too. If my finances were so precarious that I wasn't sure how I would feed my family unless the host feeds us, I would not be thinking of taking a vacation. For one thing, if this is true, it is also true that I can't do any local activities if they cost money and can't do something splurgy, like eat the Thrashers Fries that everyone raves about or whatever.

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Honestly, if having to buy food was a problem, I'd be a bit baffled because, as another poster said, they have to eat.  I'd think it might be an excuse not to go.  But I suppose it's possible that could be a barrier. 

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

I presume they feed themselves while in their own home, so telling them to feed themselves on vacation is not adding a burden to the trip. No one is saying they have to eat out every single meal. If they eat peanut butter sandwiches at home, they can bring peanut butter and a loaf of bread with them. Or yogurt, fruit, pasta, oatmeal, hotdogs, etc. 

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I can afford to feed people...but I have no desire to prepare, cook and clean up for breakfast, lunch and dinner meals for 10-12 people for even a day. 

 

I've had days where I literally am in the kitchen the whole day, while everyone else is out.

 

What is the purpose of that?

 

That sounds like an even bigger problem honestly, with the type of people you are sharing with.  If they really don't have a clue, it's time for you to set some boundaries.  Ahead of time, as people have mentioned.

 

:grouphug:

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Every once in a while there's a thread here that makes me glad I'm antisocial.

 

;)

 

ETA:  Explicit discussion beforehand is the only way to go, IMO.  If I were the OP, I wouldn't want to work harder on vacation than I do at home, and if I were the guest, I'd be so afraid of making faux pas that I'd never relax.

 

Edited by Miss Mousie
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If you are issuing an invitation, you are hosting. If you don't want to host, don't issue the invitations. I don't understand the dilemma.

Surely, there is a middle ground, though? It aounds like these friend and family members very much want to be invited. It seems reasonable for OP to try and figure out how she can accommodate them without breaking the bank. I think there have been lots of great suggestions for handling it in a way that very few would ever take offense at. I guess if someone did take offense, then, if it were me, I would have to stop issuing them an invitation.

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I can afford to feed people...but I have no desire to prepare, cook and clean up for breakfast, lunch and dinner meals for 10-12 people for even a day.

 

I've had days where I literally am in the kitchen the whole day, while everyone else is out.

 

What is the purpose of that?

I don't blame you! I've never been in this situation, but if these were people I was close to, I would tell them they would need to provide their own breakfasts and lunches and that we could take turns preparing dinner. My parents rent a place at the beach every summer and my family, my sister and her kids and my brothers family all go and that is what we do. My parents are paying for the place and hosting, but no way is my mom going to shop and cook for 13 people for a week. Nor should she have to. So, we each take turns cooking dinner and we don't even let my mom cook at all.

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I don't blame you! I've never been in this situation, but if these were people I was close to, I would tell them they would need to provide their own breakfasts and lunches and that we could take turns preparing dinner. My parents rent a place at the beach every summer and my family, my sister and her kids and my brothers family all go and that is what we do. My parents are paying for the place and hosting, but no way is my mom going to shop and cook for 13 people for a week. Nor should she have to. So, we each take turns cooking dinner and we don't even let my mom cook at all.

 

This sounds like a good plan. 

 

Sort of the opposite problem, but whenever we visit my in-laws (in their regular house, not a vacation home), I end up spending much of my day helping prep food and clean up after meals.  I do more when I'm on "vacation" there than I do at home, because meals are much more involved. Of course I don't want our visits to be a burden on my in-laws, so of course we help out, but they insist on providing 3 hot meals a day; lunch and dinner have multiple side dishes and dessert.  By the time we finish cleaning up the breakfast dishes, it's time to start on lunch.  They won't allow us to take them out!  They won't let us plan/cook a meal (probably because we'd do something too simple.) There is so much work!  (No dishwasher in the house.)  This is one of the many reasons I wish we could meet them at a resort or something so the vacation could really be one.  Even a cabin, but with no cooking facilities.

 

This thread reminded me of this Onion article from a while back.

Edited by marbel
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This sounds like a good plan. 

 

Sort of the opposite problem, but whenever we visit my in-laws (in their regular house, not a vacation home), I end up spending much of my day helping prep food and clean up after meals.  I do more when I'm on "vacation" there than I do at home, because meals are much more involved. Of course I don't want our visits to be a burden on my in-laws, so of course we help out, but they insist on providing 3 hot meals a day; lunch and dinner have multiple side dishes and dessert.  By the time we finish cleaning up the breakfast dishes, it's time to start on lunch.  They won't allow us to take them out!  They won't let us plan/cook a meal (probably because we'd do something too simple.) There is so much work!  (No dishwasher in the house.)  This is one of the many reasons I wish we could meet them at a resort or something so the vacation could really be one.  Even a cabin, but with no cooking facilities.

 

This thread reminded me of this Onion article from a while back.

 

Sounds like when I visit my MIL in Germany.  I try to be helpful and not a crappy guest, but really I feel like my "vacation" is more of a punishment because I have to do even more work.  Which ok I certainly do not want my MIL to have to break her neck over waiting on us, but the way in which she does stuff creates a lot more work than the way I do stuff.  Imagine that she lives alone and spends much of her days cleaning her house.  How much of a mess could she really create alone?  I live with 3 other people and I don't spend probably more than an hour a day in total cleaning anything. 

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When we have gone as guests when my dad has rented a vacation home, we prep dinner (,plan, buy, prepare and clean up) about half the dinners for everyone. We will also buy produce, snacks, etc. for everyone. IOW, we contribute proportionately even in the case with my dad where there is no financial hardship to him to provide.  However, I want his wife to have some vacation and not be meal-prepping the whole time.  

 

I don't think there is anything even slightly offensive about saying, "We'd love to have you share our home with us but we need you to take care of your own food while you're here."  That could be for financial reasons or just because you'd like some vacation, too. Just say what you need to be happy with the arrangement. 

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I can't imagine that.... People joining you and expecting you to pay for their meals for days.

 

Could you say something like "we would love to have you join us Friday night until after lunch on Saturday. There will be room in the fridge for your cold food and you are welcome to use the stove, microwave and grill to prepare your meals". We can also give you a list of area restaurants in case your family would rather eat out?

 

Something that gives them a clear time frame for leaving as well as letting them know you aren't going to be feeding their family for the duration.

 

Yes, I was going to suggest saying "you're welcome to join us. These foods will be in the fridge, here's where the grocery store is." This is the best solution.

 

I'd also feel free to keep a piece of paper in a plastic cover hung up at the pantry explaining where the broom, mop, and cleaning rags are. :)

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Living in a place that is a vacation destination, this topic is a frequent discussion in my part of the world

 

Here is the deal. Some people go on vacation and expect to get away from their routine--no cooking or minimal cooking.  My husband and I had a problem in the past when we booked a mountain cabin with family members who do vacation differently than us.  When they vacation, they like to eat one meal a day out.  The problem was that we were in a place where restaurants were at an inconvenient distance.  We ventured out one day but otherwise we were in an isolated state park.  The general plan had been that both families would have breakfast and lunch food items that could be grabbed individually; dinner would be a combined endeavor.  My husband and I found that we were repeatedly the chief cooks and bottle washers.  It was disconcerting as apparently the other family did not expect that they would have to cook.  They were on vacation after all!  (As though we weren't....)

 

Apparently we are not alone. My sister in law did a cottage rental with her extended family and found the same problem. She organized food since she does not like to spend vacation dollars on restaurants in a pricey place (Martha's Vineyard).  She and her husband found themselves in the same position--everyone expected the organized one to carry on organizing (and cooking) those meals.  After all, those other folks were on vacation, right?

 

I love to have visitors but that does not mean that I want to spend my life preparing meals and then cleaning up.  A little courtesy is all that is needed. 

 

 

Edited by Jane in NC
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It's kind of funny...we have this beach house, and it's lovely and in a wonderful destination.  But after awhile, I stopped wanting to go there.  My dh was a little miffed because he LOVES to go there.  He asked me why I was dragging my feet, and I said, "Dishes here, dishes there...what's the difference?"  

 

He was kind of surprised...he does a LOT of helping out, but he didn't realize how much more of a vacation it was for him than it was for me.  He started doing the dishes more there than he had (and here at home, too).  That was sweet.  (He does other stuff around both places, but it is not as repetitive as dishes and bedchanging.)

But the thing for me *also* is that I miss being around my friends when we are away too long.  We have a three-week vacation planned for an exotic destination, and I love where we are going...but three weeks is not going to be as nice for me as it is for him.  :0)  

 

We live in a sort of "destination" point and have had a few families invite themselves for a stay.  I've been perfectly to have all of them invite themselves as they needed a place to crash.  Most people have been welcome guests, but a couple of groups completely took advantage of us, left their rooms and the kitchen a complete DUMP (I'm not kidding--it took me 2 whole DAYS to clean up the kitchen after one group--I don't even know how bacon grease can get THAT far away from the stove...) and never said a word of thanks, or even included us in their family conversations.  But they were truly the exception.  Most people who are our invited guests or even our invite-themselves guests have been *wonderful* to have around.  I've learned a lot from them how to be good houseguests.  

 

I don't mind at all when people invite themselves...how else are we supposed to know they will be in town, even, and at least they are direct.  And most of them are super easy to be around and enter into our lives, which includes some chores.  It's part of how we spend our time together.  

 

 

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I have a vacation home, and I would be totally up front about it.  (And if I was staying in someone else's vacation home, I would go out of my way to offer to bring food, paper products, etc.)  If people don't offer up, I'd just say, okay, we have x number of meals and what do your kids like, let's fix a menu and figure it out.  I'll get this and you get that.  Or whatever.  If they seem to begrudge the idea of paying for their own food while they are there, I might not invite them back.   

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"This is our vacation time and I don't have the time or inclination to cook all weekend. I'm sure you understand. We will be doing a big dinner Friday night for everyone but otherwise, everyone is on their own for food. The nearest grocery store is about 3 miles away."

 

And if your guests have any manners at all, they will offer to do a big meal for you at some point in the weekend.

Edited by LucyStoner
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Just want to join the crowd in saying , if I visit someone in their vacation home , I expect to (1) be responsible for my own meals (2) take the hosts out for dinner as a thank you for saving us hotel costs!

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Even if it wasn't a vacation home, I don't think most people expect a host to provide all meals for houseguests, do they?   We've never had a vacation home, but we've had friends stay with us and we've stayed with friends in their own homes, and there is always some contribution by the guests, whether it's bringing their own food or splitting up the groceries for the term of the visit, or going out sometimes.  I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about this, but it seems that if a visit covers more than two mealtimes, only a very clueless and/or inconsiderate guest would expect the host to provide all the food at their expense and effort. 

 

Must be cultural/regional........ because I can't fathom my guests going to the store or bringing their own food unless they had some kind of major restriction. I would be offended if someone thought they needed to bring their own food or offered me money. It's like saying "we don't think you can afford to host us". That said, if we have company for more than a couple of days, they often do treat us to a dinner out somewhere during that time. And I'm certainly NOT CLUELESS if I don't give the hosts money or bring food to someone else's house when I go there for a few days. I would imagine that the overwhelming majority of our friends and family would be offended if I did so. But like most of my guests, I do bring some wine, usually a bottle per day, and treat them to a meal out.

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I would expect to host and pay for meals, and I would expect them to take us out to eat at least once.

 

Having said that, if that's not in the cards I think it's perfectly okay to make it clear up front, "You're welcome to join us this weekend at my parent's vacation home.  Unfortunately I don't have feeding everyone in the budget, so you'll need to make your own meal arrangements..."

 

As an alternative, make something cheap available - potatoes, rice, beans, and if they don't like it they can go shopping for themselves.

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I do think there is a difference between people one invites to visit them (vacation home) and people that invite themselves to come visit. It is also different if two families plan to vacation together versus inviting someone to your vacation home (or a family member's that you're using for the season).

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