Am I being overprotective?

[38carrots]

I was sitting with my sweet 8yo on a bench having a great day when a casual friend came over. I knew her dog was having behavioral issues and they were trying a trainer after a trainer, so I asked her how the was the situation with Spence. She said that they put him to sleep the day before and proceeded to talk in detail about how people failed him, how he was abused, and about the decision to put him to sleep.

 

My 8 year old got quite upset, as she's a big animal lover and hearing those things disturbed her.

 

I know I can't shield DD forever, and she is not "sheltered", and she asked good questions and we had a good discussion afterwards.

 

My opinion on this friend is colored by the fact that she is quite self-centered and selfish in general and I don't quite like her, so it is likely I'm not being objective.

 

Would you share details like this in front of a child you barely know? Would you be upset if a friend shared this in front of your 8 year old? Would you have said something to your friend?

[bibiche]

No, I wouldn't discuss that in front of a young child. In your position I would have interrupted so my child didn't have to hear it. It is possible that your acquaintance was upset and not thinking before talking about it. It happens.

[38carrots]

No, I wouldn't discuss that in front of a young child. In your position I would have interrupted so my child didn't have to hear it. It is possible that your acquaintance was upset and not thinking before talking about it. It happens.

 

I wouldn't discuss either.

 

See, I had a thought about interrupting, but then I thought that maybe this would be also not treating DD with respect, and showing her that she couldn't handle it. There was no time to back track--the first words were "We put him down." DD knew what it was.

 

It is possibly, of course, that she was upset, but she has this tendency of "not thinking" in general. She's in her early 30s and I'm more and more aghast at how she is so sure she's the center of the universe. (Hence my very obvious bias).

 

[MrsWeasley]

If I saw my kid upset by the discussion, yes, I would try to gently guide the conversation to something else. However, I wouldn't be upset if a friend shared something like this in front of my kids. I think grief makes people lose their judgment sometimes.

[J-rap]

No, I wouldn't have discussed it in front of your child.  If I were her, I probably would have said something like, "Well, it didn't end very well, but I'll explain later."  I would have been uncomfortable if I were you, too.  I just don't think young children always need to hear all the details.

 

 

 

[JumpyTheFrog]

I think 8 is old enough to know that animals sometimes get put down and that sometimes people are mean to them.

Edited April 16, 2016 by HoppyTheToad

[MrsWeasley]

I wouldn't discuss either.

 

See, I had a thought about interrupting, but then I thought that maybe this would be also not treating DD with respect, and showing her that she couldn't handle it. There was no time to back track--the first words were "We put him down." DD knew what it was.

 

It is possibly, of course, that she was upset, but she has this tendency of "not thinking" in general. She's in her early 30s and I'm more and more aghast at how she is so sure she's the center of the universe. (Hence my very obvious bias).

 

 

Was your daughter upset about the dog's death or the abuse? I feel like talking in detail about the abuse of an animal is much more inappropriate to do in front of a small child than announcing the death of an animal.

Edited April 16, 2016 by MrsWeasley

[xixstar]

It wouldn't have occurred to me that it was not an acceptable topic to discuss before a child. If it seemed to be upsetting the child I would hopefully notice and end the conversation but it wouldn't have crossed my mind that it's a topic off limit near children.

[38carrots]

Was your daughter upset about the dog's death or the abuse? I feel like talking in detail about the abuse of an animal is much more inappropriate to do in front of a small child than announcing the death of an animal.

 

Both. We've had a number of hamsters put down over the years (not her personal pets) and she gets upset / sad and is not shielded from this.

 

But she believes that love and training can fix everything, that the idea that people abused the dog and then couldn't help him was upsetting for her.

[happypamama]

No, I wouldn't have discussed it in front of your child.  If I were her, I probably would have said something like, "Well, it didn't end very well, but I'll explain later."  I would have been uncomfortable if I were you, too.  I just don't think young children always need to hear all the details.

Yes, that's what I would have said as well.  Even just "uh, I'll explain later," and maybe with a pointed look, so that you'd say to your child, "Hey, honey, go play on the swings and let me talk to Miss Suzie for a minute."  I would not bring up something like that in front of a young child, especially one I didn't know well.  I might even be cautious about how much I discussed in front of a young teenager, depending on the teen; mine is very sensitive to any ideas about animals or babies being mistreated.  Then again, I will generally err on the side of sheltering rather than oversharing.

[Guest]

It wouldn't have occurred to me that it was not an acceptable topic to discuss before a child. If it seemed to be upsetting the child I would hopefully notice and end the conversation but it wouldn't have crossed my mind that it's a topic off limit near children.

Same.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It wouldn't have occurred to me that it was not an acceptable topic to discuss before a child. If it seemed to be upsetting the child I would hopefully notice and end the conversation but it wouldn't have crossed my mind that it's a topic off limit near children.

 

Me too. 

[Mergath]

It probably wouldn't cross my mind not to talk about it in front of an eight year old. My friend has a dog with issues due to abuse from a previous owner, and her eight year old daughter is the one who explains the dog's history to new people who come over, and how you have to not pet him on top of his head because it makes him nervous.

 

If I noticed a child was upset I would change the subject, but it's not a topic I would assume to be automatically off-limits in front of kids.

[Pawz4me]

It would never have crossed my mind that someone would think a discussion like that would be inappropriate for a typical 8 yo.  We talked about similar things with our boys at much younger ages.  But we've always had multiple pets and I've always been active in pet rescue.  Such discussions are common in our house.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It wouldn't occur to me not to discuss that in front of an 8 year old.  I wouldn't be worried that your kid is upset.  That seems like a natural reaction to that situation.  You can't prevent her from being upset.  KWIM? 

[Murphy101]

We don't avoid topics like that, even when it's about people dying. My kids all know from a very young age where and how meats get to our dinner table, we have always had all kinds of pets, taken care of the ocassional stray or wild critter, and dealt with illnesses and death of people. It's just part of life. It wouldn't occur to most in my house or circles to avoid it around children at all.

[zoobie]

One of my older kids would've been upset at that age. I would've interrupted and steered the conversation elsewhere. I wouldn't discuss abuse and death graphically with an 8 year old around. Some people who are upset tend to lose their filters.

[PeachyDoodle]

It wouldn't have occurred to me that it was not an acceptable topic to discuss before a child. If it seemed to be upsetting the child I would hopefully notice and end the conversation but it wouldn't have crossed my mind that it's a topic off limit near children.

 

Me neither. If I knew my own child was unusually sensitive about these types of things, I would have attempted to change the subject or distract the child as soon as it turned iffy. But then, I have no qualms about telling my children to find something else to do if I need or want to talk to another adult.

[happi duck]

I wouldn't share upsetting details with *anyone* without asking. "We had to put him down. It was upsetting do you mind if I share?"

 

Some specific abuse details that have been shared with me have really stuck with me.

 

If a friend really needs an ear I *will* listen but to me it's nice to be asked/warned.

[ktgrok]

Well, you asked, so I don't think she was wrong to answer. But, I also wouldn't have gone into detail in front of a child. A simple "I'm afraid he had to be put down" would suffice, then a change in subject. 

[MomatHWTK]

So it isn't a "friend" but someone you really don't like. You asked a question and didn't like the answer but chose not to remove your child from hearing or interrupt the speaker. It seems that  if you feel your child was harmed by the interaction, then you were being under protective. Are you asking if you should have interrupted?

 

 

 

[38carrots]

So it isn't a "friend" but someone you really don't like. You asked a question and didn't like the answer but chose not to remove your child from hearing or interrupt the speaker. It seems that  if you feel your child was harmed by the interaction, then you were being under protective. Are you asking if you should have interrupted?

 

At the moment I made the decision that removing the child would have been more damaging to the child's self esteem (ETA: I want her to learn that she can hanle this), and risked her being upset over this (which is a normal reaction, but pretty much ruined her special outing).

 

I was more interested to hear whether most people would share like this, and wheather most would think it was a big deal or not, knowing that me thinking it was "a big deal" was definitely colored by the facts that I would have been careful not to overshare in front of a child and discovering, gradually, that I don't like this person.

 

So?

Edited April 16, 2016 by 38carrots

[VaKim]

Well, if she just stated the facts, like you put in your post above, I'd have not even thought about it. However, if, like some people I know do, she was going into graphic detail, I can't even stand to hear that stuff myself and will stop people when they start heading that direction. I have even told my mother-in-law to stop, that I didn't want to hear it, when she was talking about such stuff. I definitely didn't allow it in front of my girls when they were younger. 

[Baile]

I think in those situations, it's up to the parent to ask the acquaintance not to go into detail in front of the child. Because you asked, I don't think she did anything wrong by discussing this in front of your 8-year-old. I would have done the same. 

 

We had a situation in our neighborhood last summer where a dog killed another dog, and had to be put down. It was the hot topic of conversation for weeks, and I never expected anyone to censor themselves in front of my kids. 

[Innisfree]

It wouldn't have occurred to me that it was not an acceptable topic to discuss before a child. If it seemed to be upsetting the child I would hopefully notice and end the conversation but it wouldn't have crossed my mind that it's a topic off limit near children.

This. Except...

 

I guess I've always been pretty forthright with my animal-loving kids about the fact that human choices affect animals in significant ways. We've talked about why we alter our animals so they don't produce puppies or kittens. They know many pets never make it out of shelters. They know some animals are abused.

 

It would not shock them to learn that some animals are so badly harmed that they cannot recover, though it would anger and sadden them if that happened to an animal they knew.

 

I think I'd regard the conversation as an appropriate part of their education, always emphasizing that the neighbor had done everything possible to try to help the dog before sadly reaching a necessary decision.

 

Now, this is with my kids. They are committed animal-lovers, but I think they are realists. They would be saddened but not traumatized. YMMV.

[catz]

I have not read other responses.   It is not at all surprising that would be the foremost thing on her mind.  Especially after you specifically asking about the dog.  No - I would not expect someone to filter her own experience for my child after you asked directly about it.

 

It should have been on you to avoid talking about the dog if you knew your dd was sensitive to this topic.  Or to quickly change the subject, leave, pass the cheese dip, etc. if you saw the conversation going south.   

Edited April 16, 2016 by WoolySocks

[gardenmom5]

if you objected to the subject matter being discussed in front of your child (subject matter relating to a topic you yourself started) . . why didn't you change the subject? specifically mentioning the appropriateness for the audience.

[maize]

No, I wouldn't share details like that in front of someone else's eight year old, but I also wouldn't just sit there while someone went on and on in front of my eight year old. "I'm so sorry, that sounds like a tough decision; if you want to tell me more about it maybe catch me sometimes when I'm not with my kids, okay?"

[maize]

At least I hope I could manage something like that, I get that in the moment it is sometimes hard to come up with a good way of redirecting things.

[Guest]

It wouldn't have occurred to me that it was not an acceptable topic to discuss before a child. If it seemed to be upsetting the child I would hopefully notice and end the conversation but it wouldn't have crossed my mind that it's a topic off limit near children.

Yup. Wouldn't have even occurred to me. That's right around the age where good conversations about how and why to care for animals and what a responsibility it is, and that includes the real world consequences of when that doesn't happen. My kids are right around that age and if the conversation upset them I'd use it as a golden opportunity to discuss empathy, if nothing else.

[wendyroo]

My aunt was recently visiting us and she started talking about her neighbors having a stillborn baby.  My older boys (4 and 6 at the time) were in the room, but ostensibly occupied.  I did not have a problem with my kids being exposed to that topic, but figured that my aunt, who does not have children, nor much experience with kids, probably did not realize about little ears always listening.  I noticed the kids' interest in the conversation, but did not stop my aunt.  I did address the kids directly after a couple minutes to explain about still birth and talk about how sad it is.

 

To answer you question, I would not have hesitated to discuss putting down an animal or the unfortunate results of animal abuse in front of an 8 year old...though I would have taken the hint and changed the topic if the child's parent tried to shift us away from that conversation.

 

Wendy

[Joyofsixreboot]

It wouldn't have occurred to me that it was not an acceptable topic to discuss before a child. If it seemed to be upsetting the child I would hopefully notice and end the conversation but it wouldn't have crossed my mind that it's a topic off limit near children.

Yep, this.

[Shellydon]

Yes, I would have discussed it.  I don't shield real life animal stuff from children. 

[Alicia64]

Well, for us, in our house, the entire story would have been extremely tragic.

 

My kids would be talking about their solution for years had they been on the receiving end of the story at age 8.

 

I would have indicated to the lady to tell me in private -- away from the kids.

 

My kids are very sensitive towards animals and would have been horrified.

 

I'm just being honest. I was just like this as a kid. On Wild Kingdom TV show, when the baby bird fell into the alligator's open mouth, I cried myself to sleep.

 

I still remember a horrible, awful story my dad (who is fairly clueless) decided was appropriate to tell about dogs that flew out of a pick up truck's bed. I was about 7 or 8.

 

Hugs to you. Assure your child that the family made a great decision for the animal versus letting it go from humane society to foster home back to the humane society etc. etc.

 

Hugs,

 

Alley

[abcmommy]

I would not have thought twice about sharing about it.  I would not encourage my child to run away any time something sad is talked about.  I would probably have expressed how sorry I was that they went thru this and hugged my sad kid to acknowledge that sad stuff is sad.  

[Lolly]

I would not have been concerned about discussing the topic.

[ktgrok]

Well, for us, in our house, the entire story would have been extremely tragic.

 

My kids would be talking about their solution for years had they been on the receiving end of the story at age 8.

 

I would have indicated to the lady to tell me in private -- away from the kids.

 

My kids are very sensitive towards animals and would have been horrified.

 

I'm just being honest. I was just like this as a kid. On Wild Kingdom TV show, when the baby bird fell into the alligator's open mouth, I cried myself to sleep.

 

I still remember a horrible, awful story my dad (who is fairly clueless) decided was appropriate to tell about dogs that flew out of a pick up truck's bed. I was about 7 or 8.

 

Hugs to you. Assure your child that the family made a great decision for the animal versus letting it go from humane society to foster home back to the humane society etc. etc.

 

Hugs,

 

Alley

 

I'm the same way, or was as a child. I was the kid that cried because the coyote was so hungry on the Roadrunner and Coyote cartoon, lol. But, if my child was like that I'd avoid the conversation or stop it. My mom got really good at that. She even managed to take me to the bathroom during the scene where Bambi's mother dies, when she took me to the movies. I was an adult I think, before I knew Bambi's mother died!

[SKL]

It would depend on whether I knew the child to be fairly mature vs. immature.  Also, does she look 8yo or older?

 

I think around age 10 (or emotional equivalent) is old enough for that kind of discussion.  If your daughter has had related experience before - e.g., has had a pet that died etc. - then I think it could be OK.

 

[ETA I'm picturing very graphic description of abuse etc., not just "he was abused," which would be less sensitive.]

 

My kids are 9yo and they are old enough for that kind of discussion.  They would be sad, but it would not be an inappropriate discussion for them.  They have actually heard a lot worse.

Edited April 16, 2016 by SKL

[SKL]

If I didn't know the kid and she looked 8yo, I would look at the mom's eyes for signs that this was an OK topic or not for the child.  When someone starts up on a topic I consider too old, I throw a couple of glances at my kid as a hint.  If that doesn't work I might change the subject myself, or send my kid off to do some task and then say, "she doesn't handle that sort of thing well."

[Jean in Newcastle]

If I didn't know the kid and she looked 8yo, I would look at the mom's eyes for signs that this was an OK topic or not for the child.  When someone starts up on a topic I consider too old, I throw a couple of glances at my kid as a hint.  If that doesn't work I might change the subject myself, or send my kid off to do some task and then say, "she doesn't handle that sort of thing well."

 

Except that the OP is the one who brought it up to begin with.

[MistyMountain]

I do not shield my kids from stuff like that even if they were upset which is natural. I do not keep things that are sad or dissapointing from my kids. I would rather talk through things and acknowledge their feelings.

[heartlikealion]

Heck, forget age for a second. I don't want to see/hear about the animal abuse on my facebook feed and I can hide/scroll past that. I'd say that her judgement may have little to do with her age, too. I was just having a discussion with a friend and we talked about things that really hit home or bugged us more than others (ie. seeing blood). Everyone is different. Yes, I think the child's age is relevant in this scenario, but I also think that people in general have a different idea of what they are comfortable discussing. If I was asking about a dog's training I might not be prepared to hear about an abusive past.

[hornblower]

I wouldn't talk about animal abuse in front of a child that age. 

[SKL]

Yeah, my dad can't stand hearing stuff like that. 

 

A few weeks ago I was talking to the owner of a horse farm, who is probably older than my parents, and I brought up fostering a rescued horse.  She had a hard time with that conversation.

 

But at least with adults, they know their limits and how to stop a barrage of horrible word images from coming at them.