If you are a Christian and have a teen son

[MegP]

Who has a phone.....

 

 

Do you check his phone?

 

Do you have any monitoring software on his phone?

 

Are you worried he will look at porn? 

 

 

I am curious how other Christian moms handle this.

[Prairie~Phlox]

No phone but an ipod, I do not check it. Not worried.

[Bluegoat]

Oh my that would seem like seriously crossing a line to me. THough maybe less with a 13 year old than a 17 year old.   I'd prefer just not to give them phones if I was worried about that.

 

I don't have any teen sons yet though.

[StaceyinLA]

I don't know how old of a teen you're talking about. I monitored my kids' online activities occasionally when they were young teens, but not later. I've never been really worried about him viewing porn.

[dtsmamtj]

Not with son #1, but all the time with #2!  You earn my trust in many ways, blow it and lose your freedom.

 

Oh, no porn issues though.

 

T 

Edited April 15, 2016 by dtsmamtj

[MegP]

I didn't just mean , are you worried about porn because your son  has looked at porn in the past....but  also are you worried he WILL look at porn.

 

I read  that like 98% of teens look at porn on their phones.

 

If you are not worried he will look at porn, is that because you trust him, or don't think it is a huge deal if he does?

 

Just trying to figure out if I am being too helicopter-y.

[Lady Marmalade]

My son is 12, so not quite a teen yet.

 

But he has a phone as well as his own Galaxy Tab.   We have no monitoring and I am not worried.

 

The closest I get to monitoring is that I required my kids to friend me on social media (snapchat, instagram, etc.) 

[DawnM]

My teens both have phones.  I am not worried about porn.  Oldest does have some friends who use profanity though and I hate that.  He doesn't reciprocate though, I have seen his texts several times.

[Noreen Claire]

My oldest, now 20, had a phone early - maybe 9yrs old (I was a single and very nervous mom). I didn't really ever worry, until he became interested in a girl in high school. It wasn't that I was worried about him looking at porn (though I should have been), but that I was worried about HER behavior. Turned out I was right to worry. She sent him images via every social media site possible, as well as texts/emails/whatever. As this was his first serious relationship, we were unprepared.

 

What we ended up doing was that the cell phone (and his tablet) lived in the living room/kitchen of our house. If he wanted to use it, he had to be in a 'family' area. It was NEVER allowed upstairs. He did take it when he left the house, but I had no control over those times - we told him our expectations and expected him to abide by our rules. He had to understand that WE WERE PAYING THE BILL, so WE MADE THE RULES. Also, we had long talks about pornography and sex and relationships and and and and...

 

It was bad. It was ugly. It was stressful for all involved. We didn't give him access to the household internet until we moved 6 months ago, when he turned 20. He had started paying his own cell phone bill when he got a job at 18, so he did have internet that we could no longer control, but as he was now starting to act like an adult, we decided it was time to oblige. We set down rules (we have 3 small boys in the house as well) and we hope that we've done our best.

 

Also, I pray... A LOT.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

My teen boys have iPods. I don't have any monitoring software on them. We've had very real discussions about what is out there, I am not overly concerned.

 

My boys don't hide them at all, and would be fine if I grabbed their device to just listen to music or something because it was handy.

 

When they were younger I checked digital devices often just to clear them of virus, cookies, and other excess stuff.

[Guest]

I think parents are naive to think their teen sons won't look. Even Christian sons.

 

I put blacklisted words on our router set up when we got internet so that they couldn't search it. With my oldest I had reason to (caught it in the computer history and he admitted to dh that he looked...around age 13). My younger one never gave me a reason, but I wasn't going to give a chance. Their phones were wifi only...no service on them, so that junk wasn't going to be accessed in my home.

 

We have very open communication when it comes to questions or concerns, but at the end of the day, teens will be curious.

[happypamama]

My kids don't have internet-capable phones, but I'm with Texasmom33 -- all devices in this house that kids have access to have filter software on them, and as long as they are minors in my home, I expect things will remain that way.  I've read too much about how insidious p*rn is and how addicting it can be, especially when they're very young.  It's not necessarily a matter of trusting my children, exactly, but a little curiosity can head way too quickly down a road I'm not at all comfortable with.  Fwiw, my husband is in complete agreement with me about this.  We will do everything we possibly can to keep our minor children from viewing p*rn.

[cjzimmer1]

DS doesn't have data on his phone and we have stuff on our internet (how that's for a technical term, DH sets this all up because I have no clue), so it's not viewable for anyone on our network.  Yes he could use free wi-fi when he's out and about but in reality there is very few places he goes where he would even have time to get on the internet.  So no I'm not too worried about that.  I have occasionally looked at his phone, usually when I'm trying to find a phone number for someone that I don't have.  DS is fine with it.  I bought the phone, I pay for the plan and the reason he has the phone is for MY convenience when he is out and about to communicate with him.  We have a small prepay plan on it.  DS can use it to talk to friends within reason but if he goes through too much in a month he has to pay to add money to the account.  He tells all his friends to e-mail or use google+ instead.  All that to say , he really doesn't use the phone much and really isn't all that interested.  He does wonder why so many people are stuck on phones.

 

Second DS will probably get a phone next year (so a year younger than older DS got his) because eldest will be off to college or to a job and younger DS won't be with him all the time.  I'm a bit more concerned what this DS will do but will figure that out when we cross that bridge.  Second DS is not a strict rule follower like eldest is.

[Jaz]

No data on phone. Filtering on computer - although I'm not sure it's working correctly with Windows 10.

[FriedClams]

Teen son. Young teen. Phone - but a trac phone with no internet or camera. It's too much of a hassle to text anyone, but I have no qualms about looking. But, my kids are free to look at my phone, too. We've explained that we look for accountability, and that I should hold the same standard (now that they're maturing). It's not a one way street. I get copies of all his email, but I'll drop that at some point. We told our kids they can have a smart phone when they pay for it and are in college.

 

We also have a "you may not look at anyone else's screen" rule. DS is in scouts and I'm sure there is junk on someone's phone. I don't want DS in some predicament from seeing an underage girl, or be exposed to lewd material by some kid who thinks it's funny to show "a home schooler" stuff.

[Scarlett]

I don't know how old of a teen you're talking about. I monitored my kids' online activities occasionally when they were young teens, but not later. I've never been really worried about him viewing porn.

Why? Not worried as in you don't care? Or you think he would never look at porn?

[Scarlett]

16 year old son. 2 years ago he had an IPod which I let him have in his room to listen to music. Then I found Um stuff on it. Bcause I was concerned. Bcause I looked. From that point on he isntt allowed to have his phone in his room or in the bathroom. The rule is to help him help himself. I am aware I can't completely keep him from looking at bad stuff....but if he has even a hint of a desire to avoid it I want to help him.

 

I look at his phone whenever I want. Usually when he is sleeping so I dont embarrass him. He texts a girl more than I like but so far all just silly teen stuff. I am aware he is reaching the age where I will look less.....he has to be responsible for himself eventually.

[EndOfOrdinary]

My son is still a bit young, age 11. He has completely open internet on his iPad, but not on his phone. No data on the phone. He knows porn exists, we have had very frank discussions, and he is aware that Dh views pornography. If Ds wants to access it, he can. I am not willing to block access, be the police, and then have him go crazy when he is older. I have known far too many males which have done just that. Due to being restricted, they never learned any form of self control or self awareness. Once they went to college and left their parents, they completely lost control. They thought of the behavior as deviant, rebellious, and "adult". They openly bragged and wore it as a badge if honor. Not just one, but many. So no forbidden fruit here. However, Ds frequently uses my iPad and I frequently use his. It would not be wierd for me to just open up Safari to search something if it was the closest device.

 

Moreover, we talk. He can ask plenty of questions of an older male adult who has personally battled and defeated sex addiction and pornography issues. He has many individuals in his life that are really honest with him about sex so the subject is not taboo (or if it is with your mom, you have others). None of that means he will not look. Of course he will look. He will probably smoke a joint or two at some point as well. But hopefully it means he will decide that the negative behavior is not something which benefits his life and his relationships. I would be stupid to think my son will never date a girl for sexual reasons, never treat a female badly, or never have one night stands. We are all morons who make terrible decisions at some point. My hope is more that he can feel regretful and change his behavior for the next time because he realizes why it is wrong.

[kroe1]

It is not just sons one needs to think about. Daughters can have issues, too. And both can have stalkers. I keep my phone set I get all the texts, too. I occasionally look at histories as well. Just having kiddos think they are being monitored deters a lot of it.

[Sarah CB]

I think anyone who doesn't think porn or sexting could ever possibly be an issue for their kids is totally naive.  

Edited April 15, 2016 by Sarah CB

[DawnM]

I didn't just mean , are you worried about porn because your son  has looked at porn in the past....but  also are you worried he WILL look at porn.

 

I read  that like 98% of teens look at porn on their phones.

 

If you are not worried he will look at porn, is that because you trust him, or don't think it is a huge deal if he does?

 

Just trying to figure out if I am being too helicopter-y.

 

 

I would need to see some facts on that, and where the study was conducted, etc.....I don't believe it.  

 

Yes, I care if they look at porn.  And sometimes I do go and see what they are spending their time on.  I have never had a cause to worry.  That isn't to say they won't be tempted at some point or anything, just that I have not had a cause to worry.

 

We also have a rule that you can't be in your room all the time with the door closed or otherwise, mostly because it encourages them to not spend time with the family. 

[DawnM]

I think anyone who doesn't think porn or sexting could ever possibly be an issue for their kids is totally naive.  

 

 

I don't think anyone is saying that.  

 

I just don't want to be like some moms I have talked to who don't allow their kids any privacy.   

[Joyofsixreboot]

Posted Yesterday, 09:05 PM

Who has a phone.....

 

Do you check his phone? Nope. I'm on teen boy #3.

 

Do you have any monitoring software on his phone? Nope.

 

Are you worried he will look at porn? I'm sure they have somewhere. Their friends have phones too, KWIM.

 

I would rather discuss stuff casually and not turn things into forbidden fruit. I think many Christians weird fascination with making sex " dirty" actually leads to more problems and punishment/shame for curiosity is damaging.

Edited April 15, 2016 by joyofsix

[HomeAgain]

My son does not have data on his phone. Period.  Not because he might look at something, but because no child needs to be connected to a device all day.

 

We're like Joyofsix - we talk, we have lots of conversations (realistic vs. not, underage/legalities, etc), and we address the idea of unsafe websites/computer viruses as part of that.  I don't forbid it but I make sure he has all the information possible, too.

[Noreen Claire]

Be aware, also, that if your child uses a phone/tablet/computer that runs a Chrome browser there is the option to open an 'incognito' browser. It leaves no browser or search history and records no cookies, etc. Kids are pretty smart - I found it on accident.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't think anyone is saying that.  

 

I just don't want to be like some moms I have talked to who don't allow their kids any privacy.   

 

Yeah I think that can backfire too.  I can't watch what my kid does 24-7.  If I micromanage his life he's going to probably do what I don't want the first chance he gets just cuz.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think anyone who doesn't think porn or sexting could ever possibly be an issue for their kids is totally naive.  

 

I could be completely wrong, but I thought what some people were saying was not that they don't believe it could happen, but that they aren't worried about it happening.  Which also I'd take that not so much to mean the idea would thrill them, but that it's naive to think there is some way to stop it completely.  The only way to 100% guarantee this is to not allow your kids any access to any device ever.  And of course don't let them leave the house or go somewhere where you can't watch what they are doing.  Which of course is not realistic and probably not a good idea either.

[Bluegoat]

I don't think the only options are not thinking it will happen, or not thinking it is important.

 

I think most kids will at some point try looking at porn. largely out of curiosity.  I think that is pretty normal curiosity, and pretty much entirely impossible to prevent.  At some point they will have an opportunity.

 

Heck, we had opportunity before the internet.

 

As far as this kind of thing goes, well, it isn't great, but it also is something that doesn't IMO make a huge difference in a person's life.  Teens aren't ruined by seeing sexual images now and then as part of being curious, even pretty nasty ones.  Some teens can even be a little sheltered in modern times I think - they might be exposed to fantasy images but not real people.

 

What I think is more concerning is kids, particularly younger ones, stumbling on things more by accident or in a less aware way and being upset by it, or kids looking at it and using it sexually, and especially doing so regularly.  I am not keen on porn for adults, but I think it is a very bad habit for teens to get started with and also a very bad way to learn about sexuality.

 

With the first issue ways on controlling the internet will help with that.  As far as the second, I think that is of limited use - much more important is that they understand the implications and have good sources of information about sexuality. 

[HomeAgain]

Be aware, also, that if your child uses a phone/tablet/computer that runs a Chrome browser there is the option to open an 'incognito' browser. It leaves no browser or search history and records no cookies, etc. Kids are pretty smart - I found it on accident.

 

Firefox has that option, too.

ETA: we have also found that with linked devices, the Chrome browser isn't really secret.  DH was hunting for Christmas presents and left the tab open on his device - I saw it on mine.

Edited April 15, 2016 by HomeAgain

[BlsdMama]

Who has a phone.....

 

 

Do you check his phone?

 

Do you have any monitoring software on his phone?

 

Are you worried he will look at porn? 

 

 

I am curious how other Christian moms handle this.

 

 

I wouldn't know what to look for on his phone.  We did indeed have a monitor on all our items - we did not single him out - our computers, our phones.  That way it is a family accountability not just ONE person in our house.  We're all accountable.  It slowed everything down to the point where we were going insane. (I think it was our internet service NOT the company, btw.)  

 

So that was a couple months ago and we've not switched yet.  

 

We have family rules - even phones stay in common places - not in one's room.  We only have one computer other than the laptop DD takes to school.

All phones go into our room at night for charging.

Internet wi-fi gets clicked off at night.  (There are no devices out and about so it is more about the fact that DH thinks we sleep in a cancer cluster than internet, lol. :D )

 

I'm worried that any of my kids would get hooked on porn - it can ruin lives, marriages, perspective, create obsessive, unhealthy adults and kids.  It is addictive and harmful.  It should be on every parent's radar and there should be more concern in the world than there is - said as a woman who had access to a large amount of porn as a kid/teen.  Christian parents tend to see this as  a son issue, and I would agree that our boys tend to be more sexually driven, but do not discount a young woman's interest and/or fascination with sex. 

 

My kids know what's out there.  They've also been talked to about how it affects our  thoughts, our perspectives, how it can affect the people we are married to.  It's an important topic.  

[BlsdMama]

I agree with a lot of this. You need to strike a balance between limitations and age appropriate discussions so that by the time they are at the end of high school, they hopefully have developed some appropriate self imposed boundaries.

 

I do think some moms though have this perception that today's porn is like what we had access to growing up. Which seriously, even Larry Flint or the like couldn't hold a candle to what is out there today. Between the sickening fetish type stuff and then illegal sex trafficking produced material available- and a huge amount of it is from that if what the media reports is true- it's not the same thing of the 70's, 80's or even the 90's. (I'm not saying that stuff didn't exist then but I don't think it was easily accessed or left laying on Johnny's dads toilet.) And it can't be dealt with in the same way. Your son seeing a girl raped live on video is not the same as seeing a stack of neighbor kids fathers Playboy or Penthouse. Completely different. And to talk to a 13 year old of either sex about that sort of thing is one thing, for them to actually understand it and all of the implications behind it is another, which is why I think you prepare them gradually, with boundaries before they have a chance to go out. And yeah- they may "go nuts" at 18 and go on a porn spree, but you can only do your best. It's not your fault at that point if they do. But letting them access it openly at a young age seems to me no different than saying, here have some coke- you're going to be able to access it when you move out so you might as well learn how to handle yourself with it at 13.

 

I just have to wholeheartedly agree with this.

 

Teens are going missing every single day.  Sex trafficking is a very serious issue.  There are adults out there willing to prey on your teen.  Porn today isn't a magazine with pictures - it's as hard as it gets, deviant, and addictive.  There is a never ending stream access to your kids.   I think we need to understand that the world we grew up in doesn't exist and that our kids really are being marketed to. :(  They need to be wise.

[Bluegoat]

I agree with a lot of this. You need to strike a balance between limitations and age appropriate discussions so that by the time they are at the end of high school, they hopefully have developed some appropriate self imposed boundaries.

 

I do think some moms though have this perception that today's porn is like what we had access to growing up. Which seriously, even Larry Flint or the like couldn't hold a candle to what is out there today. Between the sickening fetish type stuff and then illegal sex trafficking produced material available- and a huge amount of it is from that if what the media reports is true- it's not the same thing of the 70's, 80's or even the 90's. (I'm not saying that stuff didn't exist then but I don't think it was easily accessed or left laying on Johnny's dads toilet.) And it can't be dealt with in the same way. Your son seeing a girl raped live on video is not the same as seeing a stack of neighbor kids fathers Playboy or Penthouse. Completely different. And to talk to a 13 year old of either sex about that sort of thing is one thing, for them to actually understand it and all of the implications behind it is another, which is why I think you prepare them gradually, with boundaries before they have a chance to go out. And yeah- they may "go nuts" at 18 and go on a porn spree, but you can only do your best. It's not your fault at that point if they do. But letting them access it openly at a young age seems to me no different than saying, here have some coke- you're going to be able to access it when you move out so you might as well learn how to handle yourself with it at 13.

 

 

I think that a lot of the porn available in the past was also not what I would desibe as people freely deciding that is what they really want to do.  Even to the point of sex trafficking, unfortunatly.  It's less obvious but that isn't a great thing either, in some ways it can be worse.  I don't actually think it is dead easy to find the worst kind of porn on the internet by accident. 

 

I generally think there is a lot to be said for not having devices in bedrooms and such - even tvs, which makes many problems with access less significant.  I also am not big on giving teens phones for totally separate reasons, but ultimately if kids commonly have them then there is a good chance my kids will have the chance to see whatever it is the others are looking at.

Edited April 15, 2016 by Bluegoat

[Liza Q]

I am concerned about it but my husband is more relaxed. I have chosen to let it go and trust my husband's judgment on this one. He and my son have a good relationship and I stay out of this part of it.

 

I do worry about one of our daughters. but it is not really porn that concerns me. There are other horrifying things online, kwim? My two adult girls actually kept quite an eye on her while they lived at home, since they all shared a room. Now she has her own room and I worry more. They see her tumblr, etc., and she still talks to them a lot.

 

But. Since we homeschool, we already have so much control over our children's lives. If we micromanaged every aspect of their lives, I would not believe that we were preparing them for adulthood.

Edited April 15, 2016 by Liza Q

[QueenCat]

Balance has been our motto with most parenting issues.......... they knew we "could" check since we owned it but we didn't really threaten them......... but it's really not a Christian issue, parents that aren't Christians care about what their kids do too as they aren't lacking in morals just because they aren't Christians. This said as someone who IS a Christian.

[pinkmint]

Balance has been our motto with most parenting issues.......... they knew we "could" check since we owned it but we didn't really threaten them......... but it's really not a Christian issue, parents that aren't Christians care about what their kids do too as they aren't lacking in morals just because they aren't Christians. This said as someone who IS a Christian.

I agree it's not a Christian issue in the sense that there's no special quality that makes a Christian youth or person less likely to be drawn in by porn.

 

But I think the conversation should be and is different for Christians because many non Christians think porn is normal and fine and they file it under "not hurting anyone" which to me could not be further from the truth.

[QueenCat]

I agree it's not a Christian issue in the sense that there's no special quality that makes a Christian youth or person less likely to be drawn in by porn.

 

But I think the conversation should be and is different for Christians because many non Christians think porn is normal and fine and they file it under "not hurting anyone" which to me could not be further from the truth.

 

So disagree with you on that....... MANY nonChristians don't care for porn either. AND many Christians think it's a normal thing for a teen to be fascinated by..................... Again, not being a Christian doesn't mean you don't care about your kids behaviors or that your morals are lacking.......

[teachermom2834]

I am so conflicted on this issue because I hate the idea of my kids seeing this stuff and I do worry about it but I guess I have a defeatist attitude about it. It is everywhere and the technology is not going away.

 

I guess we have struck a compromise. We have 3 teen boys. We have monitoring software on the desktop and laptops. Two older boys have smartphones that get put up when we go to bed at night ( and we are light sleepers- would know if they are sneaking in for them). Oldest boy has a tablet that he does not put up in our room at night. He is nearly 18 and getting ready to go to college.

 

I tend to be realistic enough to know they have seen things but hope that there are enough controls and supervision in place that no one is deep in any kind of addiction, etc. we talk, I know the passcode on the phones and reserve the right to pick them up and look at them but I do not check frequently. Youngest teen has only an emergency flip phone and desktop in main family area. No iPod. I definitely back off as they get older - not because I think it is OK but just because they need to make choices and my obligation to protect them from themselves is lower than for young teen.

 

What has been more of an issue than porn has been the social media and girls they actually know sending pictures :( nice homeschool girls from nice families. That seems to be a big issue in middle school and early high school and then drop off. Kids at that age are obviously curious and confused and impulsive. Combine that with the technology and you have a mess. Not saying every single kid does this but any parent that thinks it is not possible in their family is not being realistic.

 

I am just grateful we have homeschooled and spent so much time together. I feel like exposure has been limited if not avoided completely. I think this is one where we just need to do our best. A tech savvy kid will find a way these days. We talk a lot and choose to acknowledge it is out there and available rather than try to live in a bubble.

 

Very difficult issue though.

[pinkmint]

I know some non Christians are against porn but in my experience many have degrees to which they believe it is normal and acceptable . This is not about Christians being superior, just that we should have a different perspective. And any Christian who thinks porn is ok I'd seriously question where they're coming from.

[Pink and Green Mom]

I think it is naïve to limit this to teens. 

 

When my son was 8 (!!), his very conservative Christian BFF taught him how to use the internet on the Wii system while they were playing Wii bowling.  And showed him how to see pictures of naked girls (and much, much more) by searching, of all things, "do girls stand up to peepee". 

Edited April 15, 2016 by Pink and Green Mom

[QueenCat]

I know some non Christians are against porn but in my experience many have degrees to which they believe it is normal and acceptable . This is not about Christians being superior, just that we should have a different perspective. And any Christian who thinks porn is ok I'd seriously question where they're coming from.

 

Thinking it's normal for a teen to think about or wonder about or explore or whatever IS NOT THE same thing as thinking it's "okay". Not at all.

[HomeAgain]

Most definitely not a Christian issue, but the title did make me think of Josh Duggar.  The boy was raised in a very conservative household that did not talk about boundaries in a healthy way.  The poor child never had a chance to find that and it created serious issues for him.  I would not wish their method of child-raising on anyone, so I think if you are talking about this only from a "Christian" point of view, you may want to look at it from the secular as well to help your child along a very rocky path.  John Oliver did a fantastic segment on Last Week Tonight about two years ago - you can find it if you google "John Oliver s*x education".  It's mostly about education in schools, but it shows how necessary it is to give teens and tweens an appropriate and healthy open dialogue.

[QueenCat]

Agreed- some people seem to wear the Christian label more as a habit than a lifestyle. I didn't take this thread referring to Christian parents as being superior to non Christians in any way.

 

My main point in my original response to the OP was that it's not just a Christian problem. Parents who are not Christians OFTEN have the same concerns.

[Pam in CT]

(Not Christian, FWIW, so if that renders my thoughts on the subject irrelevant, please skip down to the next post, lol...)

 

 

I believe pornography is mostly bad for women in the short run; very often quite disastrous for the ability of men and women to relate reciprocally within longterm relationships in the long run; and inevitable.  Where there's demand, there will be supply.

 

 

re clamping control vs. creating context:

I don't think the only options are not thinking it will happen, or not thinking it is important.

 

I think most kids will at some point try looking at porn. largely out of curiosity.  I think that is pretty normal curiosity, and pretty much entirely impossible to prevent.  

 

....

 

 I am not keen on porn for adults, but I think it is a very bad habit for teens to get started with and also a very bad way to learn about sexuality.

 

With the first issue ways on controlling the internet will help with that.  As far as the second, I think that is of limited use - much more important is that they understand the implications and have good sources of information about sexuality. 

This is largely where I come out too.  So long as our kids are under our direct control, we can clamp down control, and there are times when that's appropriate.  

 

But by the time we blink a few times, they'll be out on their own, so the long game has to be helping them -- daughters as well as sons -- get to a place where they expect and want their long term relationships to be reciprocal and healthy and based on mutual respect.  Pornography trains them BOTH the other way (even if our daughters aren't actually watching it).

 

So for me the long game is all about creating context -- talk-talk-talking, explicitly and often and in every possible context, about reciprocity and agency in relationships... including talk-talk-talking about the many instances in the public domain, including pornography, where it isn't there and trains habits of mind and body in ways that will make deeper relationships later very difficult.  These discussions look different with my daughters than with my son.  (I just gave both my daughters, as well as two friends with daughters, this book, which I count as my most important read of 2016 thus far).

 

 

 

 

 

I agree with a lot of this. You need to strike a balance between limitations and age appropriate discussions so that by the time they are at the end of high school, they hopefully have developed some appropriate self imposed boundaries.

I do think some moms though have this perception that today's porn is like what we had access to growing up. Which seriously, even Larry Flint or the like couldn't hold a candle to what is out there today. Between the sickening fetish type stuff and then illegal sex trafficking produced material available- and a huge amount of it is from that if what the media reports is true- it's not the same thing of the 70's, 80's or even the 90's. (I'm not saying that stuff didn't exist then but I don't think it was easily accessed or left laying on Johnny's dads toilet.) And it can't be dealt with in the same way. Your son seeing a girl raped live on video is not the same as seeing a stack of neighbor kids fathers Playboy or Penthouse. Completely different. And to talk to a 13 year old of either sex about that sort of thing is one thing, for them to actually understand it and all of the implications behind it is another, which is why I think you prepare them gradually, with boundaries before they have a chance to go out.

 

_____

 

And yeah- they may "go nuts" at 18 and go on a porn spree, but you can only do your best. It's not your fault at that point if they do. But letting them access it openly at a young age seems to me no different than saying, here have some coke- you're going to be able to access it when you move out so you might as well learn how to handle yourself with it at 13.

I agree with the first bit, and would only add: the far easier access to this type of violent degradation affects our daughters too.  Our daughters also need to hear, early and often and from adults they trust, that predatory/violent/unreciprocal encounters are not normative.  That type of pornography (yes, there are other types, this is the type that concerns me) trains young men to expect unreciprocated and degrading acts.  Unless we talk (yes, it's hard to talk), young women don't have any kind of counterbalance.

 

_____

 

To your second bit... I dunno.  The time between ages 13 and 18 goes really, really fast.  And to me it's a bit of a punt to say, well, I did my best, I clamped down control in the days I had control, I can't help it if they go nuts once they're 18... to me, it's really incumbent that we use that precious limited time between 13 and 18, that late last interval that we have to influence their ethical development, to frame and TALK about our values within the acknowledged context that very very soon they'll be making their own choices.  

 

 

 

I just have to wholeheartedly agree with this.

 

Teens are going missing every single day.  Sex trafficking is a very serious issue.  There are adults out there willing to prey on your teen.  Porn today isn't a magazine with pictures - it's as hard as it gets, deviant, and addictive.  There is a never ending stream access to your kids.   I think we need to understand that the world we grew up in doesn't exist and that our kids really are being marketed to. :(  They need to be wise.

Yes.

 

 

I agree it's not a Christian issue in the sense that there's no special quality that makes a Christian youth or person less likely to be drawn in by porn.

But I think the conversation should be and is different for Christians because many non Christians think porn is normal and fine and they file it under "not hurting anyone" which to me could not be further from the truth.

Hmmm.  Well, certainly there are all types in all religious communities, sure.  

 

Just so you know, many non-Christians DON'T look at it that way, as well.

[goldberry]

Teen DD17.  Yes, monitoring and filtering software on all computers in the house, and on cell phone.  Prior to monitoring DD had an accidental porn experience on her computer at ten or eleven.  It led to her looking at things for a short period of time before I caught it.  She was happy I caught it and broke down crying about how it upset her and scared her but she didn't understand why she couldn't stop looking at it.

 

I would NEVER recommend a computer in the house without monitoring or filtering if there are young kids, of either sex.  That was a total parenting fail on our part and one we will regret for a long time.  It led to her having temptations to keep looking at it, even though it made her feel bad, and not being able to forget the things she saw.  Fortunately, she is open to us and we talked and worked through it.  She actually WANTED the filtering and monitoring on, even when she switched computers, she reminded us to put it on.  

 

At 17, yes she knows there are ways around it, and knows she can see it elsewhere.  She actually prefers just having one less temptation.  It is not used for me to spy on her, but just to keep things from popping up and to give her some accountability.  I haven't even looked at it in a year probably, it flags me if anything unusual comes up.  She has warned me a few times when she looks up things for her genetics class involving sperm and sex that I will be getting a flag. ;)

 

Regarding the cell phone, we have basic monitoring on there.  I don't read texts unless there is something I don't recognize.  But DD also uses facebook for texting, which doesn't show up and is private.  We decided to allow that, based on her trustworthiness.  She is very communicative with us at this point in her life and is at the age where she is ready to take some responsibility.  

[TranquilMind]

Who has a phone.....

 

 

Do you check his phone?

 

Do you have any monitoring software on his phone?

 

Are you worried he will look at porn? 

 

 

I am curious how other Christian moms handle this.

 

I don't check much.  This kid is very honest.  However, I do have the phone locked down so it requires a password to get into stuff like that.

I'm trusting but not stupid. 

[TranquilMind]

I didn't just mean , are you worried about porn because your son  has looked at porn in the past....but  also are you worried he WILL look at porn.

 

I read  that like 98% of teens look at porn on their phones.

 

If you are not worried he will look at porn, is that because you trust him, or don't think it is a huge deal if he does?

 

Just trying to figure out if I am being too helicopter-y.

 

They are all going to do it or try to do it.  Even if they don't have any real interest in doing it, their friends will show them (ask me what I know about locker rooms).

This began at around age 9, by the way...not teens. 

 

Not on my watch. 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

I agree it's not a Christian issue in the sense that there's no special quality that makes a Christian youth or person less likely to be drawn in by porn.

 

But I think the conversation should be and is different for Christians because many non Christians think porn is normal and fine and they file it under "not hurting anyone" which to me could not be further from the truth.

You are abusing the word "many" when you make that statement. I believe you would find most parents, whether Christian, Muslim, Hindu, or atheist, to be concerned with the possibility of their children watching porn. And based on the porn site traffic in heavily Christian states, it is also likely that what some Christians say publically does not correspond with their private thoughts. Edited April 15, 2016 by ChocolateReignRemix

[teachermom2834]

Yeah...definitely not just teens. My ds was 11 when a younger boy at the homeschool co-op told him to search "what is gay sex" on his iPod. A ancient iPod he had for games and didn't even realize he could search using wifi. The other boy was 9 or 10 from a nice Christian family.

 

Talk, talk, talk, monitor, talk, supervise, talk, talk, talk. That's our approach as we realized we can never shut it all down completely. We try but we just can't anticipate every avenue it might sneak in.

[fairfarmhand]

I have two teen girls right now, and my oldest is the only one with a phone.

 

We've handled it like this.

 

We don't regularly check the phone. But she is fully aware that mom and dad could come up at any time and check out her messages and history. Anything she wouldn't want mom and dad to see, she probably shouldnt be texting/viewing to begin with.

 

And it's the same with dad and mom's phones. My kids (nosy) regularly snoop through my texts. (although they've been grossed out by a mushy one I sent to my dh) there's nothing there that they shouldn't see.

 

 

[Sarah CB]

I just have to wholeheartedly agree with this.

 

Teens are going missing every single day.  Sex trafficking is a very serious issue.  There are adults out there willing to prey on your teen.  Porn today isn't a magazine with pictures - it's as hard as it gets, deviant, and addictive.  There is a never ending stream access to your kids.   I think we need to understand that the world we grew up in doesn't exist and that our kids really are being marketed to. :(  They need to be wise.

 

We had a friend whose teen daughter was one you'd never worry about.  Responsible and hardworking. Talked with her mom about everything. Heavily into sports and a fantastic student.  Her mom didn't think twice about computer or internet usage as they'd had lots of talks about different dangers, plus, the teen just didn't seem like the type who would ever get swayed by someone online.

 

Apparently her mom decided to do a random computer check - simply because most of the other parents she knew thought it was crazy that she didn't do random checks.  The random check revealed that the teen had met a guy online on a forum for something totally innocent. They began messaging each other and eventually exchanged naked pictures.  The teen even sent the guy her address because he wanted to send her something.  

 

My dd is 20 and on her own, so obviously I don't monitor her usage, but I do random checks on my boys and I wish I could find a monitoring program that would work but would still allow them to use Netflix and wouldn't eat their data.  I don't do it because I think they're going to watch porn online - I'm doing it because there are so many other parents who thought doing the occasional random check was overkill and instead had to watch their child get hurt.