Is paying for your child post-college a thing?

[Catwoman]

My guess is it has always differed by family.

:iagree:

 

It doesn't bother me one way or the other. I will help my ds if he needs it, but if others don't help their kids financially, it's none of my business.

[madteaparty]

I'm still paying my own student loans, so who knows how much I will be able to help my kids out. But if I have the cash, whyever not? I mean what else are we supposed to do but care for self and family? If not my kids, who is the next best candidate for my imaginary largesse?

[Tsuga]

I'd be interested to know if these other teachers are from upper or upper middle class families, or more average families.  I would suspect upper based on people I know.  IME even when they're no longer being funded by parents or trust funds, it's typically due to a job secured through nepotism.

 

Really, teachers?!?

 

That is not my experience at all, but then, teachers can't buy a home around here. Even the union won't buy you in the zip codes that are within driving distance of Seattle and Eastside schools in under 30 minutes, which, you know, if you're teaching so you can be home for your kids, is key. (The union and the state have special programs to help teachers buy houses but the down payment assistance is a joke and not all zip codes are eligible. I know: I'm eligible technically.)

 

It makes me sad that you are seeing nepotism among teachers to that degree. :( Obviously no system is perfect and there can be discrimination and nepotism anywhere and there probably is, but to the degree that you notice it is really bad.

[TechWife]

 

To pay for their daily living expenses on top of all of that, when they have full time jobs, (and being college graduates) is something new to me.  It seems like there is something to be said about starting small, learning your priorities, learning how to budget, and being okay with living simply and frugally while figuring things out on your own.  I'm not talking poverty level of course, and I guess part of it comes from the assumption that my kids have good skills to keep moving forward in their lives.

 

I don't see that having someone help you financially, whether or not it is through a one time monetary gift, an allowance or any other means precludes learning any of the things you have listed here. In addition, starting life modestly doesn't mean that one will learn the things you have listed here. There are plenty of people with modest incomes who have never learned how to set priorities and budget. 

 

Edited to remove TMI.

[Guest]

The concept of NOT helping children as much as possible was totally foreign to me until I joined this board. I can't imagine not helping ones children launch into the world, for however long it takes, if you have the means to do so. That's assuming they're working toward something (not lazing around being totally unproductive).

I don't think anyone on here disagrees with helping children launch - I think they disagree on what that actually looks like and how best to achieve it. I believe teaching kids to help themselves and stand on their own without assistance is critically important. That is almost independent of money - it's a set of attitudes and character traits. A hard working, independent, goal oriented young adult who is eating ramen? No harm in helping with payments or groceries to increase their standard of living. That's an entirely different thing from enabling a layabout which is what a fair number of the kids supported by their parents seemed to be when I was in high school and college. They were pampered and didn't understand hard work, finances, or much in the way of self discipline - this is no exaggeration. The failures here went way beyond money. And yet the defining characteristic was a student who was allowed to dilly around on someone else's dime, which insulated them from the school of Reality that would have otherwise matured their perspective and capabilities much more quickly.

 

Then again, I believe firmly in the human dignity of hard work and a wage well earned. That is how I was raised, even in a fairly wealthy family, and I wasn't coddled in adulthood at all (launched early, actually). So my own history and values do color my perspective here. Someone else paying one's way just doesn't sit well with me at all - helping is a bit different in degree and scope, though.

[BlsdMama]

I can't imagine my parents paying for basic living expenses once I moved out. Can't afford to live independently? Then don't move out. But, then again, paying for your childs university isn't so much a thing in my country either. And an above poster mentioned helping with living expenses for a married child? Nope, totally outside my realm of experience. But I guess Australia has always had a bit of a hard work, earn your way attitude. There was no hard feelings between anyone when my husband and I were living in a tiny unit with medical bills to pay off, while our families lived in large houses with money to spare, taking vacations. It was our turn to forge our own life, and we knew our parents had done the same thing, starting with nothing. DHs parents moved countries the day after they married, and mine didn't have much money starting out, or as time went on either. If we wanted to marry and start adult life we would learn from hard lessons and experience ourselves. And we did. And we are currently in quite a nice financial position and grateful for the things we learned in those first few years of scraping things together. And I will feel no guilt when my kids are grown and starting out themselves. 

 

 

No,  I don't think it's just Australia.  This is the way it was here growing up in the Midwest.  I moved out at 18.  DH moved out to go straight to college.  My parents paid nothing towards college and his parents chipped in $1,000.  We were married shortly after I was 19 and the idea of them paying our day to day expenses would have been laughed at.  We did have a bumpy start ( and huge college loans) but it got sorted out eventually.

 

DD is in school now and working.  As long as she lives at home we make meals, she is welcome to eat them.  She is welcome to do her laundry, use my soap and shampoo, etc., because she is actively involved with and participating in our family - helps with meals when she is home, tosses in a load of family laundry, etc.  We love having her here and she is welcome as long as she is being productive, getting good grades, and willing to follow our rules.  We pay half her car insurance because she is a natural saver... If she was spending wildly, she'd be paying for it.  She's getting good grades and keeping her scholarships HOWEVER I expect when she is done with college that she will launch.  And when that happens I assume she will budget and plan.  And if she does not, that is not my responsibility.

 

Healthcare is different ball of wax.  If your kiddo is under 26 they are covered under your insurance.  Isn't that the Obama thing now?

 

Special needs is also  a different ball of wax.  I think that's apples and oranges.

[Carrie12345]

It's all relative.

There are adults who need government and charity assistance to make ends meet (or not even meet.)

There are adults who are perfectly comfortable, but privileged to have family that wants to give them even more.

And there are a million points in between.

 

It isn't easy out there for a lot of people - new adult or old hand!

[Katy]

Really, teachers?!?

 

That is not my experience at all, but then, teachers can't buy a home around here. Even the union won't buy you in the zip codes that are within driving distance of Seattle and Eastside schools in under 30 minutes, which, you know, if you're teaching so you can be home for your kids, is key. (The union and the state have special programs to help teachers buy houses but the down payment assistance is a joke and not all zip codes are eligible. I know: I'm eligible technically.)

 

It makes me sad that you are seeing nepotism among teachers to that degree. :( Obviously no system is perfect and there can be discrimination and nepotism anywhere and there probably is, but to the degree that you notice it is really bad.

 

I wasn't talking about public schools.  More take a brief stint doing something charitable, then private schools.

 

And nepotism isn't limited to teachers.  I don't know many upper class people who stay teachers for very long.

[madteaparty]

I can't imagine why it is anyone elses business what I do with my money.

If I want to spend my money on my child what business is it to anyone else?

 

What about the people who spend tens of thousands on their minor children at different stages of their development?

People have the right to invest in their children in whatever way works for their family and I can't imagine what good the judgement of random busy-bodies does.

Sing it sister.

[Garga]

My parents don't help out financially at all and never have.  They don't have a lot to spare, though, so they can't really.  I graduated high school at 17 and didn't go to college--I went to work.  They did not charge me rent or for food.  For two years, I lived at home and had my salary and didn't pay for basic living expenses.  I bought my own clothes and car, though.

 

The day I got marri​ed at age 19, all support stopped, as I would have expected.  And the wedding was tiny.  Maybe cost $500?  Tops.  I can't remember whether they paid for that of if I did? It was such a small amount...I think I paid for it.

 

My in-laws like to buy expensive things for us.  I have to hold my tongue about anything related to any items we might ever need, because they insist on paying.  I might mention in casual conversation, "Oh, these dishes! The dishwasher broke and we don't have a new one yet.  We'll have to shop for it this weekend..." and next thing I know they're handing us a check for $500 for the dishwasher.  I actually greatly dislike it that they do this, but if we refuse they get very, very upset.

 

Anyway...today's world is different.  I can see people going to college and still not being able to afford rent, utilities, and a car.  If that's the case, then my home is open to the kids.  It's a tiny home, but there is a big room in the back that I would give to them with its own bathroom.  There's another bedroom adjacent to the bathroom and we might knock a hole in the wall to make that bedroom open to the bathroom.  The boys could live in those rooms and share that bathroom if they want. 

 

But once they were out, I wouldn't pay their routine bills, like rent, utilities, etc.  I may or may not be like my in-laws and help them with one-time items, like replacing a dishwasher.  But only at first.  When we were newlyweds, their help was more necessary than now.  It's not as necessary now and I feel like a mooch taking it.  But at the same time, my MIL says over and over that she doesn't want to hold onto her money until she's dead.  She doesn't want to leave us with a big inheritance when she's gone.  She says over and over that she wants to see us enjoying it now.  That's the only thing that stops me from saying no to any of their help.  She insists that she's doing this because it makes her happy.

 

Oh, that's a long answer.

 

Short answer: I may help newly launched kids with buying a big item here and there (dishwasher), but I won't support them monthly.  And if they can't afford to move out on their own, I'll set aside rooms in my house for them and provide them with as much privacy as possible, though we'd have to share the kitchen.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

If people have that kind of money, I'm sure it is a thing.  I don't, but if I did, I would very likely help out. 

[FriedClams]

I can't imagine my parents paying for anything after college. I also cannot imagine paying for my kids. I have learned with parenting that my absolutes can be situational dependent, but barring something HUGE, no. Teaching in France - lifestyle pick to me. You pay, or don't go.

[TranquilMind]

Many of my dd's peers still get quite a bit from their parents, even the married ones. Being the oldest of 7, my dd lost that lottery. 😉

I don't get it.  Married people should not be mooching off parents, absent a serious emergency (and initiated by parents).  Those parents are at or near retirement age and who knows what the future holds?

[mom2scouts]

This is not the norm in my family. My parents didn't support any of us after we became adults, but they will help out a bit when they know we could use some help. My oldest is married and I don't support him in any way. The others who are adults have some bills that I still pay, but they are expected to reimburse me when they are able. We didn't pay for college for any of our adult children.

[TranquilMind]

My parents don't help out financially at all and never have.  They don't have a lot to spare, though, so they can't really.  I graduated high school at 17 and didn't go to college--I went to work.  They did not charge me rent or for food.  For two years, I lived at home and had my salary and didn't pay for basic living expenses.  I bought my own clothes and car, though.

 

The day I got marri​ed at age 19, all support stopped, as I would have expected.  And the wedding was tiny.  Maybe cost $500?  Tops.  I can't remember whether they paid for that of if I did? It was such a small amount...I think I paid for it.

 

My in-laws like to buy expensive things for us.  I have to hold my tongue about anything related to any items we might ever need, because they insist on paying.  I might mention in casual conversation, "Oh, these dishes! The dishwasher broke and we don't have a new one yet.  We'll have to shop for it this weekend..." and next thing I know they're handing us a check for $500 for the dishwasher.  I actually greatly dislike it that they do this, but if we refuse they get very, very upset.

 

Anyway...today's world is different.  I can see people going to college and still not being able to afford rent, utilities, and a car.  If that's the case, then my home is open to the kids.  It's a tiny home, but there is a big room in the back that I would give to them with its own bathroom.  There's another bedroom adjacent to the bathroom and we might knock a hole in the wall to make that bedroom open to the bathroom.  The boys could live in those rooms and share that bathroom if they want. 

 

But once they were out, I wouldn't pay their routine bills, like rent, utilities, etc.  I may or may not be like my in-laws and help them with one-time items, like replacing a dishwasher.  But only at first.  When we were newlyweds, their help was more necessary than now.  It's not as necessary now and I feel like a mooch taking it.  But at the same time, my MIL says over and over that she doesn't want to hold onto her money until she's dead.  She doesn't want to leave us with a big inheritance when she's gone.  She says over and over that she wants to see us enjoying it now.  That's the only thing that stops me from saying no to any of their help.  She insists that she's doing this because it makes her happy.

 

Oh, that's a long answer.

 

Short answer: I may help newly launched kids with buying a big item here and there (dishwasher), but I won't support them monthly.  And if they can't afford to move out on their own, I'll set aside rooms in my house for them and provide them with as much privacy as possible, though we'd have to share the kitchen.

Maybe this is how the inlaws show love?  Take it gratefully, as a gift, since they offer. Your turn to pay back will come when they need a little help here and there. 

[Tsuga]

I certainly agree with this: we have paid for our children's education, they are welcome to live with us for as long as they need to/want to post-college (and several have), we usually pay airfare for them to come home or even to take advantage of special events or opportunities, we have invested in businesses they are trying to start up, they remain on our health plan as long as possible, they remain on our family cell plan until they choose to leave it, and more.

 

But.

 

To pay for their daily living expenses on top of all of that, when they have full time jobs, (and being college graduates) is something new to me. It seems like there is something to be said about starting small, learning your priorities, learning how to budget, and being okay with living simply and frugally while figuring things out on your own. I'm not talking poverty level of course, and I guess part of it comes from the assumption that my kids have good skills to keep moving forward in their lives.

It's a matter of perspective.

 

To me, having a parent pay for a phone, a car down payment, college, and invest in a business at one time seemed comical. I would have laughed. I literally did not know, as the daughter of a nurse and a machinist, that such things happened.

 

I thought that was only in movies about New York rich people.

 

This was particularly because I heard so many messages about "a culture of entitlement" among the poor. It never occurred to me that those people would give their children the world.

 

Poor kids, even with the most loving parents, don't get any of that.

 

Groceries and rent for one person is about the same as college costs and exceeds what is possible for most on a starter salary within 30 - 60 minutes from work.

 

So why not?

 

I guess from my perspective, you don't really learn the value of a dollar if you don't know the cost of an adult life anyway, so rent and groceries when health care, phone bills, college, and part of a car are payed for is just play money.

 

Knowing the value of money would require really, truly making it all work.

 

But you can't because starter wages are so low. And for teachers and artists etc. forget it. You don't earn enough to live. You aren't worth surviving, to society which buys the fruits of your labor.

 

So why not just make them happy?

 

Resilience sounds nice but the reality is they need you. Why pretend otherwise?

 

What do they learn buying groceries that they can't learn playing store?

[QueenCat]

On my side of the family, family has always helped each other. My grandparents made down payments on all of their children's first houses. My parents have bought things for us here and there. There's a lot more that is done to help young people and we view it as an investment in our whole family's future. We do things for our adult child (who never asks for help). No one's mooching. Mooching is when the child begs for it or acts entitled. Dh's family has none of that and it is sad. No one helps each other, even when it's really needed and they could help. Except for us, we help and they look at us like we're crazy for doing it.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't think anyone on here disagrees with helping children launch - I think they disagree on what that actually looks like and how best to achieve it. I believe teaching kids to help themselves and stand on their own without assistance is critically important. That is almost independent of money - it's a set of attitudes and character traits. A hard working, independent, goal oriented young adult who is eating ramen? No harm in helping with payments or groceries to increase their standard of living. That's an entirely different thing from enabling a layabout which is what a fair number of the kids supported by their parents seemed to be when I was in high school and college. They were pampered and didn't understand hard work, finances, or much in the way of self discipline - this is no exaggeration. The failures here went way beyond money. And yet the defining characteristic was a student who was allowed to dilly around on someone else's dime, which insulated them from the school of Reality that would have otherwise matured their perspective and capabilities much more quickly.

 

Then again, I believe firmly in the human dignity of hard work and a wage well earned. That is how I was raised, even in a fairly wealthy family, and I wasn't coddled in adulthood at all (launched early, actually). So my own history and values do color my perspective here. Someone else paying one's way just doesn't sit well with me at all - helping is a bit different in degree and scope, though.

 

I do understand this POV.  But I don't think necessarily the money is given no strings attached.  If the young adult totally flubs up, I doubt their parents are amused.

 

I think it is becoming increasingly difficult to launch early.  My mother dropped out of high school and ran away from home at 16.  She got a fairly well paying job working for a telephone company.  How many 16 year olds could pull that off today?  Not even most 18 year olds.  

[Guest]

My grandparents helped my parents and exy and I have always done our best to give our adult kids a safe place to land when their worlds fall apart.

 

We would probably have gotten flamed on the internet for taking in a 21 year old who was facing homelessness and lending him a car for an extended period of time.

 

Two years later, ds23 would probably get flamed on the internet for paying off old bills to keep exy's heat and lights on and buying me a new freezer on an hour's notice when the old one went to freezer heaven.

[catz]

I do have mixed feelings about this.  2 of the greatest gifts our parents gave us is the ability to graduate college without debt AND they prepared well for their own retirement.  We are unlikely to ever need to help them financially or even have them stay with us.  Having just had a parent who died and my own tendency toward stress and anxiety under some circumstances, I cannot imagine having a parent living long term with me at this point in my life.

 

So my parents helped and have at times given us a chunk of money to visit them.  Our winter visit to them last January, they ended up giving us about half of our airfare.  We paid for a rental car and all other expenses.  They fed us and housed us part of our trip (we also did a road trip with their home as a base).  That was our Christmas gift last year.  

 

I've also seen my brother crippled by being helped again and again and again.  We will definitely be helping kids with college and are never going to let them starve.  But I do think it benefited me being a young adult in a studio apartment and budgeting my whole life.  I was not married and did not have kids and I definitely wasn't going to starve.  I maybe just didn't go out as some others wanted to my age and scrimped for things like vacations and toys like a canoe.  I have no interest in supporting a kid that is not showing some initiative.  That said, if an adult kid had a mental illness, I would work hard to get my kid through that. 

 

My brother is in his 40's and is still defaulting to asking my parents for help regularly.  Just this year, with my mom newly widowed, he is "needing" help and I think he just needs to live within his means. I'm now afraid my mom will eventually die (although, she's only 69, could be a long while), and we will become the target of that.  I also would not help an adult child to the extent it would hurt our readiness for our elder years.   That said, I do think it is harder for young adults to launch now financially and we definitely are keeping that in mind.

[Jennifer132]

I'll answer from the perspective of someone whose parents did pay for things post college. Did they financially "support" me? No. But they did offer and give a great deal of help and assistance because they truly wanted to do so, and not because I asked or it was expected or assumed.

 

My dad, who grew up poor, started his business straight out of high school at 17, and worked his tail off from then on. He was very financially successful and started trust funds for my brother and I. I always felt guilty or ashamed of having parents with money from childhood on into adulthood. I'm not sure if it was my own personal feelings or things that were said to me throughout the years that started me feeling bad about money. My brother didn't mind at all. He went to work for my dad right out of high school and 15 years later is still working for him. He had no issue using his trust fund for a down payment on his house, etc.

 

My dh grew up very poor--very poor. And we wanted to do it all on our own. But there was always this tension between my parents really really wanting to help us (they hated to see us struggle when the money was just sitting there anyway) and my personal feelings attached to having money. They actually did help us quite a bit in the beginning because we were working multiple jobs and still didn't make enough.

 

When we moved out of state it seemed to be the only way to rip the bandaid off and get out completely on our own. I spent a few years coming to peace with the idea that it's ok to have money, and that I shouldn't feel ashamed of it or let opportunity pass me by because of my bad feelings about it. So a couple years ago we decided to use my trust money to help build a house. I know it gives my parents great pleasure to be able to do that for us, especially given how my parents both grew up without opportunities. Also, the gift of money being handed down in this way means we can save more and in turn do more for our children and grandchildren down the line. So I try to look at it now as their desire to help us be successful and pass that on to future generations. It's not that we couldn't do it all on our own (and we are, aside from building the house), but we have better opportunities for our children if we use the money my parents set aside for us.

 

Mooching off of my parents has never been a thing though. I would not be comfortable with that. We have always lived very frugally and tried to support ourselves the best way we can. We never vacation. And it's always been that way. I went and got a job at sixteen and didn't stop working until I had my children.

[MinivanMom]

It's a matter of perspective.

 

To me, having a parent pay for a phone, a car down payment, college, and invest in a business at one time seemed comical. I would have laughed. I literally did not know, as the daughter of a nurse and a machinist, that such things happened.

 

I thought that was only in movies about New York rich people.

 

This was particularly because I heard so many messages about "a culture of entitlement" among the poor. It never occurred to me that those people would give their children the world.

 

Poor kids, even with the most loving parents, don't get any of that.

 

Groceries and rent for one person is about the same as college costs and exceeds what is possible for most on a starter salary within 30 - 60 minutes from work.

 

So why not?

 

I guess from my perspective, you don't really learn the value of a dollar if you don't know the cost of an adult life anyway, so rent and groceries when health care, phone bills, college, and part of a car are payed for is just play money.

 

Knowing the value of money would require really, truly making it all work.

 

But you can't because starter wages are so low. And for teachers and artists etc. forget it. You don't earn enough to live. You aren't worth surviving, to society which buys the fruits of your labor.

 

So why not just make them happy?

 

Resilience sounds nice but the reality is they need you. Why pretend otherwise?

 

What do they learn buying groceries that they can't learn playing store?

 

I totally hear you on this. I grew up very poor (homeless at times) and was a first gen college student. Even that was a bit of bubble since I naturally gravitated toward other friends in college who were also first gen college students scraping by. I was really shocked to learn that other kids had parents who were paying for tuition . . . and rent . . . and a car w/insurance . . . and study abroad in Paris  . . . plus that $1000 a month "allowance". And the gifts just keep coming after graduation: covering expenses for that unpaid internship in NYC, the 20k sit-down wedding, a down payment for the first home, tuition or extras for the grandkids. And holy - lack of irony - Batman . . . you want to rant about the "lazy" poor and their sense of entitlement! Seriously?!

 

So I get it. And I didn't resent the rich kids in my new upper-class world so much as I was very, very surprised. And I felt an immense sense of pride that I had done it all on my own - thank you very much. I was very, very proud of that. I was also very aware (as a youngish college grad) of the freedom dh and I had to make our own choices. Money tends to come with certain expectations, and I had complete freedom.

 

But . . . I can see the advantage it is to be able to choose study abroad . . . or to take that unpaid internship that gives you a foot in the door . . . or to have the down payment that ensures the grandkids are in a top-notch school district. Mostly it's about love and helping and seeing your legacy forward. And the truth is that for every homeless kid like me who scores a full academic scholarship and makes it out without any help, there are the 99 others who never do.

 

One of the things I've noticed over time, though, is that rich parents usually give money in very specific ways that give their kids a boost without enabling them. Most are willing to pay for education (tuition, study-abroad, unpaid internships) or things that will boost their kids socially (name-brand university, down-payment on a home) or things that are truly emergency in nature (medical or death expenses). You don't usually see rich parents paying for adult kids' groceries or paying off their credit card debt or supporting them in a lifestyle of loafing. They don't typically give grocery money, and I think that matters. Rich parents understand that their kids need to learn how to manage and budget with real money . . . even if that budget is much bigger than most of us would consider typical. There is something really smart to the way rich parents give.

[FaithManor]

I think it is more common in this economy. Young people are having a harder time getting established financially. Wages do not come close in many areas to the COL, and many companies take advantage of new hires by keeping their wages artificially low for many years despite their on the job performance. Wages are stagnant in parts of the US and going backward in others, but only a small segment of fields are experiencing any kind of reasonable wage growth.

 

And of course the unpaid internship is still alive and well in many career paths, so the recent graduate still has no way to pay for his/her ramen noodles.

 

My sister's unpaid internship - required in order to graduate from the university she attended - was in a horribly unsafe part of D.C., and no living expenses were covered. It was a six month internship, and my parents sent her what money they could. She lived with five other people in a dangerously located, slum of an apartment, and lost a lot of weight. My parents simply had very little extra money. But, I can tell you that if this were the situation for one of my own children, dh and I would be producing some of our retirement funds to get them into a safe place with decent food!

 

We currently assist my sister while she is getting her PH.D. in France. She is only paying $3500.00 per year for grad school. There is no such thing as grad school in America at that price. It is grueling, and she can only work a few hours per week so we help. She doesn't have any reserve money to fall back on. Her ex husband emptied their accounts and ran off with another woman. Though he was ordered in the divorce proceedings to pay back half of what he took out of the checkbook, and both savings accounts as well as pay for expensive items he destroyed (took some of her things outside and set them on fire when he left), he has not paid a dime in five years, and the court has bigger fish to fry so they don't bother to prosecute him. She was left destitute because as it turns out, he had managed to get her name off the car titles and deed to the house. We don't know how. She signed the paperwork when they bought the house, and the one car was originally in her name only. At any rate, she was left with the clothes on her back and not much else. So, I have to wonder if some parents aren't also helping young adults who have fallen on hard times through circumstances beyond their control.

[creekland]

Count me among those who can't fathom NOT helping our kids if we have the ability to do so and they are working at something they enjoy.

 

So far, my guys have wanted to take on adult responsibilities - including bills - once they've left home.  They've had no issue getting jobs.  But we still treat them to various things when we can.  Sometimes that's checks.  Sometimes that's dinner and/or gift cards.  Sometimes it's a trip to Walmart complete with suggestions for splurges.  Sometimes that's donations to trips.

 

My mom has been the same way with me, so I guess I'm just passing along the family tradition.  Right now with our travel budget having been drained to other causes she's even vastly (& willingly) contributed to keeping our junkie habit going.  I hope to be able to do the same if needed for my own kids - that tradition again!  Time and experiences are worth it.

 

My kids also know they are ALWAYS welcome back at our house if they need a place.

 

Back at home in the basement playing video game?  Then we have a problem... but I'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it.

 

We have threatened middle son that we'll be living in HIS basement once he graduates med school (esp if we pay a huge portion toward it), but we're more likely to be hiking than playing video games.   :coolgleamA:

[Jane in NC]

I hope the OP doesn't mind a bit of a bunny trail.

 

Family culture can be tied to family economics.  For example, one of my dear friends owns a huge summer cottage in a desirable location.  She has four adult children who all in turn have teenage children.  My friend can afford to have her adult children and their families in residence for the summer without dividing the utility bill x number of ways.  Of course, the adult children recognize that they are adults and thus do what any good guest would do in the situation:  buy groceries, add to the wine rack, and make a trip to the hardware store if needed. 

 

But some grandparents cannot afford to own a cottage or rent a place for a week.  Or they might not want to pay for their grandchildren's vacation. 

 

My sister rented a beach condo last spring and invited her son and his family as well as us.  It was clear that she wanted to host the week although we certainly brought groceries, did some babysitting so that she could go out with her son and his wife, etc.  I would have been happy to have thrown some money in the kitty but she did not want me or her son to do so. This was her gift.

 

I foresee doing something like this down the road for my son.  He is working very hard these days and has no time off.  Sigh.  But should he have a spouse I would offer them a vacation treat in order to spend time with them.  Needless to say, we are in a position to make this sort of offer.  He would not expect me to do so.

[bolt.]

I don't get it. Married people should not be mooching off parents, absent a serious emergency (and initiated by parents). Those parents are at or near retirement age and who knows what the future holds?

Now we've reached the 'shoud's.

 

Functioning as a family unit is not mooching.

 

As for "what the future holds" -- in such families it probably holds a fully funded retirement, good healthcare and life insurance, stable adult children who own homes nearby to you, who are not financially stressed, are free to visit and drive you places (in clean reliable vehicles), complete with well-adjusted grandchildren to put on the kinds of dance recitals and soccer games that grandparents love. These people bring you cupcakes.

 

Yes, money can buy most of those things -- or you could just keep the money in the bank, let the kids do their best starting from scratch, and they can get rich when you die... Just when they need it least.

[unsinkable]

It's a matter of perspective.

 

To me, having a parent pay for a phone, a car down payment, college, and invest in a business at one time seemed comical. I would have laughed. I literally did not know, as the daughter of a nurse and a machinist, that such things happened.

 

I thought that was only in movies about New York rich people.

 

e?

Around here (a pretty economically depressed area), a nurse and a machinist would make a pretty good living. In 1990, a girl I know started at $15/hr with her associates in nursing. She said her DH was annoyed bc he "only" made about $5/ more than her as a machinist and he'd been working a few years. Now, she makes over $40/ hour. Even if he stayed at $20 (which I doubt) they're grossing over $120K/year, not including OT...of which there is plenty.

[Wabi Sabi]

I did not have any financial help from my family post college (or while I was in college either, but that's a different topic altogether.) Most of my friends at the time did have some modest help post college-graduation. It made a big difference, IMO, and here's how: 

As I was finishing school in the late 90s I started looking for jobs, but mostly found unpaid internships. Having no financial support from home, I couldn't consider an internship. I started looking for paid jobs in different cities, but the problem was that I would need the money to rent a moving truck, get there, put first and last month's rent on an apartment, get the utilities hooked up, and live until I got my first few paychecks. I estimated that I would need several thousand dollars to make the move, and since I had nothing to my name, stayed here in the college town working TWO very low paying jobs to try to save up the money to make a move. In the meantime, however, saving money was next to impossible for me on my $8/hour jobs. It took every bit of my income just to pay the rent on my inexpensive apartment, eat, pay for health insurance and transportation, and then my student loans started to kick in. A couple of years later, still trying to save up enough money on my $8/hour income to move, I met my husband. Fast forward all of these years later and I'm still here in the same low-paying job, albeit now with two kids, two dogs, a minivan and a mortgage payment. 

My friends who had some modest support, however, were able to take internships. Those internships usually led to decent paying jobs in the city. Other friends got paid jobs right off the bat, not internships, but they still had parents to help them move and get settled into an apartment until they started getting regular paychecks. Even those who took entry level jobs advanced up the ladder relatively quickly, and in the meantime their parents helped bridge the financial gap in between working a low-wage job and the living expenses of a larger city. Some friends took AmeriCorps positions, and I envied them greatly, but the stipend was definitely not enough to pay rent and eat, and whereas my friends could get a boost from their parents, that wasn't an option for me. 

In the end, if I could've afforded to leave I would've never met my husband, so I feel like I can't complain there, but one thing is certain: I definitely would've had more career/job opportunities, and who knows where that would have led? I don't have any intentions of paying to fully support my kids once they're grown, but I will do everything I can within my means to at least get them started out in the world on their own. 

 

[madteaparty]

Now we've reached the 'shoud's.

 

Functioning as a family unit is not mooching.

.

I feel the same, I think it is a basic function of family to take care of each other, forevermore. My son wants to be a writer, his writing is already brilliant at age 11. It also does not always translate to commercial success. He can "mooch" off me all he wants so long as there is anything to mooch off. I hope to build a house and I'm already thinking how to make the floor plan work for me and adult children...

[Guest]

I feel the same, I think it is a basic function of family to take care of each other, forevermore. My son wants to be a writer, his writing is already brilliant at age 11. It also does not always translate to commercial success. He can "mooch" off me all he wants so long as there is anything to mooch off. I hope to build a house and I'm already thinking how to make the floor plan work for me and adult children...

Question: do you hail from a region or culture that has multigenerational homes as typical? That may explain part of this difference.

 

In marrying my religion specifically indicates that w child is to leave their mother and father and join in all senses to their spouse - this is the new family unit. Extended family is important but can create complications, especially when a married couple is establishing themselves. But for, say, an Indian, Chinese, or even Guatemalan family this is going to be far less typical and longer term family ties, property and financial, would be more normal.

[madteaparty]

Question: do you hail from a region or culture that has multigenerational homes as typical? That may explain part of this difference.

 

In marrying my religion specifically indicates that w child is to leave their mother and father and join in all senses to their spouse - this is the new family unit. Extended family is important but can create complications, especially when a married couple is establishing themselves. But for, say, an Indian, Chinese, or even Guatemalan family this is going to be far less typical and longer term family ties, property and financial, would be more normal.

My culture (not listed) used to be that way, but no longer is (my sister is a single mom and has her own apt). My husband is from the Midwest and feels the same as I do.

[Susan in TN]

Dh and I grew up in very different families. My family was one in which you went to college and then were considered an adult and on your own. If you needed to move back home or have financial assistance, then you would be helped as much as could be managed but we really did not expect any help. I think the difference might be expectations?

 

Dh's parents did whatever they could to keep their kids dependent on them. They begged us for years to "come back home" and they would provide us both with solid, good paying jobs, housing, etc. And we knew it was true because we saw the results of his older siblings. They were well off, sort of, except for the basic management of their business which was eventually run into the ground. I think it was well intentioned - they wanted their kids to be taken care of - but it almost seemed that dependence is what they planned for because dh was never taught some basic living skills like laundry, budgeting, banking, and paying bills, etc. Maybe it was just because he was the youngest, but fortunately dh was blessed with an excellent work ethic, and what he didn't know he eventually learned after we were married.

[Pawz4me]

Question: do you hail from a region or culture that has multigenerational homes as typical? That may explain part of this difference.

 

In marrying my religion specifically indicates that w child is to leave their mother and father and join in all senses to their spouse - this is the new family unit. Extended family is important but can create complications, especially when a married couple is establishing themselves. But for, say, an Indian, Chinese, or even Guatemalan family this is going to be far less typical and longer term family ties, property and financial, would be more normal.

 

I agree with Madteaparty, and no -- I don't come from a region or culture where multi-generational homes are typical.  I just happen to believe that family is forever.  Religion has absolutely nothing to do with it.  I really like the team analogy someone posted earlier. I've told the boys that until I have to go into an assisted living facility or nursing home I'll always have a bedroom for each of them if they happen to need it.  Always.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I don't know if it's a "new thing" but if we were financially able to help/support our DC so they could have a unique opportunity we would.  Sadly, the most we'll probably be able to do is let them live with us so they can save for those kinds of adventures. I can't imagine not doing everything in my power to help my children have wonderful lives.  

[lllll]

nm

Edited November 22, 2015 by ^ 022

[creekland]

Yes, money can buy most of those things -- or you could just keep the money in the bank, let the kids do their best starting from scratch, and they can get rich when you die... Just when they need it least.

 

I told my mom I'd be really pleased if she died with a penny left in the bank.  That will have been awesome planning!  We certainly don't need an inheritance.  She's saved her money for her retirement and is now using it as she sees fit.  Some of that is to take trips to see her grandkids... and she's definitely been known to help them out with their goals in life.   :coolgleamA:

 

Again, I hope to do the same for my kids.  As long as I'm around, I'll save or spend my money as I see fit, but my goal is to die with a penny in the bank (sort of - theoretically speaking anyway).  In the meantime I want to enjoy life - often with my kids and some of it helping my kids enjoy their lives.  They won't need an inheritance either.  If we were to die young (could happen), there's always insurance money (and the savings we'd planned on for retirement).

[Jane in NC]

Question: do you hail from a region or culture that has multigenerational homes as typical? That may explain part of this difference.

 

In marrying my religion specifically indicates that w child is to leave their mother and father and join in all senses to their spouse - this is the new family unit. Extended family is important but can create complications, especially when a married couple is establishing themselves. But for, say, an Indian, Chinese, or even Guatemalan family this is going to be far less typical and longer term family ties, property and financial, would be more normal.

 

Curious, how does your religion deal with aging members or the disabled?  If family does not assist with the aged or disabled (which might require multi-generational housing), are there church-affiliated facilities for those who cannot care for themselves? 

 

One of my son's friends moved in with his grandparents when they needed a hand.  I did not see this as "mooching" even though the lad was not charged rent.  He earned his keep through fetch and carry and by giving other family members peace of mind knowing that a youthful set of eyes kept an eye on the grandparents.  To me this was sensible.  And frankly I could see a newly wedded couple doing something similar. It would allow them to save some money while benefiting the overall family unit.

 

[LucyStoner]

Hmmm, dowries anyone?

 

Parents providing sizable financial support to young adult children is nothing new or degenerate. It's taken many forms over the centuries but for many socioeconomic groups it's not at all uncommon.

[Guest]

My culture (not listed) used to be that way, but no longer is (my sister is a single mom and has her own apt). My husband is from the Midwest and feels the same as I do.

Okay, I was just curious. Multigenerational housing, especially for children as opposed to aging parents, isn't very prevalent in the US compared with many other regions.

 

I'm planning my own build to have a handicapped accessible suite for at least one set of our parents, since I'm sure we will be taking care of someone. And we would like a bunkhouse for visiting kids and grandkids. But that is worlds away from full time residency of adult children and I think it's a little more common in this particular area.

[Guest]

Curious, how does your religion deal with aging members or the disabled? If family does not assist with the aged or disabled (which might require multi-generational housing), are there church-affiliated facilities for those who cannot care for themselves?

 

One of my son's friends moved in with his grandparents when they needed a hand. I did not see this as "mooching" even though the lad was not charged rent. He earned his keep through fetch and carry and by giving other family members peace of mind knowing that a youthful set of eyes kept an eye on the grandparents. To me this was sensible. And frankly I could see a newly wedded couple doing something similar. It would allow them to save some money while benefiting the overall family unit.

 

I addressed this above. I'm talking about something different.

 

Maybe your experiences have been better - newlyweds living with inlaws has actually been horrible in our family and caused immense stress and difficulty, especially for the child who married into the family. I was advised very explicitly against it by my own mother who had to do it. Nightmare situation for her and my cousins, too. And this was with fairly normal and agreeable people, no psychos.

 

I would have been ashamed to stay with my relatives or my husband's in all except emergency temporary circumstances. It's hard for me to mentally square being an adult and living with mom and dad. And again, I hail from what is considered upper middle class, stable, wealthy families. My husband comes from a more working class one but they're now quite well off, and they'd also probably be the ones more likely to help us if we needed a home. He and I are both agreed that once you're married you don't go home to mom and dad, though, unless they need medical care or *they* need a roof. An adult moving in to help an aging relative isn't the same situation at all - I'm totally in favor of it, especially for single relatives or those who don't have small children who need them first.

 

All of this is quite aside from a twenty something or thirty something mooching off mommy to fund their world travels, though. That's where I have the biggest issue.

[TechWife]

Functioning as a family unit is not mooching.

 

 

 

Yes! :hurray:

[Bluegoat]

I think there is a distinction to be made between families who "assist" adult children because the children sometimes "need it" -- vs families who "finance" adult children because they think it is right and good.

 

Families who help needy children (with money or housing) seem to think there is a problem, that it isn't ideal, and that the child is hopefully going to launch properly eventually. The questions of this situation are: "How badly do they need help?" / "Why do they need help?" / "How much can we afford to help?"

 

Families who finance adult children because they think it is the right thing to do are asking different questions, more like: "What's the best future for our child?" / "What's the most efficient application of money to help make that happen?" / "How can we bridge our child from post-adolescence into an adulthood of similar lifestyle to our own?" / "What will help our child reliably care for their inheritance which we earned?" / "How can we ensure that our grandchildren have a positive lifestyle and every advantage while they are young?"

 

Yes, Virginia, there is an upper middle class, and many more above them. They have to do something with their money. It all depends on what they think is worthwhile.

 

I think you are right about the mindset.  Of course many people just don't ever have the opportunity to think that way, they don't have enough money.  But I have wondered at times if that sort of thinking isn't actually an important way of conserving wealth.  It seems very common in the middle class now to expect kids to become totally independent, and largely start from scratch building up a life.  Their parents will spend whatever extra income they have on trips or tvs or whatever.  So - their extra wealth goes outside the family.  When a significant portion of generational wealth goes on to the next generation, over time you would tend to see the family become better and better off.

 

I think that it was even true to a large extent among the less wealthy in the past - people often kept the same business or farm or house over many generations, rather than having, say, a new mortgage to pay each generation.

 

[Bluegoat]

I certainly agree with this:  we have paid for our children's education, they are welcome to live with us for as long as they need to/want to post-college (and several have), we usually pay airfare for them to come home or even to take advantage of special events or opportunities, we have invested in businesses they are trying to start up, they remain on our health plan as long as possible, they remain on our family cell plan until they choose to leave it, and more.

 

But.

 

To pay for their daily living expenses on top of all of that, when they have full time jobs, (and being college graduates) is something new to me.  It seems like there is something to be said about starting small, learning your priorities, learning how to budget, and being okay with living simply and frugally while figuring things out on your own.  I'm not talking poverty level of course, and I guess part of it comes from the assumption that my kids have good skills to keep moving forward in their lives.

 

I don't think you are wrong about this.  There can be downsides to having things too easy as well - that is something that has also always been visible in the families that are able to support adult children.  If you like 18th or 19th century novels you meet plenty of those people who would have been much better off had their parents not given them an allowance, and I don't think it is any different today.

 

I tend to think that there is a bit of a difference between making sure your child will have access to family resources for education, or to start a business, or even to pursue worthwhile unpaid work, and allowing them to coast along.  There are important things to be learned from a period of really supporting your life by your own work and living on your means.  I have a friend who taught in France - her parents helped out in that she lived at home while she worked to save some money and she had no school debt.  But she had to be careful while she was there, she boarded with a family, had to carefully budget for trips, and so on.  It hasn't in any way eroded her ability to enter the upper middle class.

 

[regentrude]

Maybe your experiences have been better - newlyweds living with inlaws has actually been horrible in our family and caused immense stress and difficulty, especially for the child who married into the family. I was advised very explicitly against it by my own mother who had to do it. Nightmare situation for her and my cousins, too. And this was with fairly normal and agreeable people, no psychos.

 

I would have been ashamed to stay with my relatives or my husband's in all except emergency temporary circumstances. It's hard for me to mentally square being an adult and living with mom and dad. And again, I hail from what is considered upper middle class, stable, wealthy families. My husband comes from a more working class one but they're now quite well off, and they'd also probably be the ones more likely to help us if we needed a home. He and I are both agreed that once you're married you don't go home to mom and dad, though, unless they need medical care or *they* need a roof.

 

My mom and dad moved in with my mom's mother when they got married - because Grandma had an apartment and they didn't. Simple. you could not just go and get your own place.

They stayed with grandma while having three children.My grandmother played an instrumental part in raising us and enabling my mother to continue her career as an opera singer for a few more years until my disabled brother was born and she retired from the stage. When my parents bought a house, Grandma moved with us and lived with us until the day she died.

 

I cannot fathom why anybody should have been ashamed of this situation. it was a win-win for all involved. I am deeply grateful to have grown up in a multigenerational household. And yes, culturally we come from the same Christian tradition that commands the wife to leave her family and go with her husband.... not always practical, and not necessarily suited to modern times.

 

When we were between countries, we moved in with my parents for a while. That was totally normal, anything else would have been ridiculous. I do not need to prove to anybody that I can be a functioning independent adult - I am.

 

[regentrude]

I did not need my parents' support, but they supported my sister financially for several years. She was a single parent of a disabled child doing her medical internship.

This has not prevented her from becoming a functioning responsible adult. Help was appreciated and gladly given.

My parents would have supported me had I needed them to.

 

If my children need my financial support post college, I will be happy to assist within my possibilities - as long as they are working towards self sufficiency. This may mean grad school, or starting a business, or even accepting a poorly paid opportunity in a foreign country - if I can, I'd contribute to make this happen if they could otherwise not go.

 

 

[Hikin' Mama]

We don't support them, but we help them when they need it. And when my son went to BMT and tech school, his wife and baby daughter lived with us for 7 months. I was thankful to have the bonding time with them. And I was freaking honored that she would even consider living with me, her mil. And I'm thankful that she still likes me and shares my grandkids' lives so much wih me. :)

 

I really don't think there is a right or wrong answer to the question of whether or not to support normal, productive adult kids, just personal preference.

[SparklyUnicorn]

My husband and his parents lived with his grandparents until the grandparents died which was after my husband moved out (and he wasn't that young when he moved out).  It started off that they shared the entire house, but eventually they made it basically into two apartments.  But everyone pretty much freely went through the whole house.

 

Did that work out well?  Well, it was what it was I guess.  My MIL did not like having to take care of them when they were old (and her father lived to 98).  In fact she was visiting us here in the US when he passed away.  The first thing she said when she got off the phone when someone called to tell her was, "On thank god." 

 

No way in hell would I agree to live with my MIL.  I suppose if financially that was better for everyone I'd get over it.  I would not consider it ideal though.

[Rosie_0801]

Since becoming a single mother, relatives have provided housing and paid most of my bills. My mother is paying my legal fees. 

 

This is what they have to do and I have to accept to have any chance of preventing dd ending up in the same position.

 

 

[creekland]

No way in hell would I agree to live with my MIL.  I suppose if financially that was better for everyone I'd get over it.  I would not consider it ideal though.

 

There's no way in the world I could live with my in-laws, but that's because they're the most racist folks I know IRL and it would easily go past my tipping point of sanity.

 

There's no way either hubby or I could live with my dad - too many mental illness issues - also quickly past a tipping point.

 

Both hubby and I could easily live with my mom and we love traveling with her + spending time with her.  

 

I think it totally depends upon the person/people involved.

[Bluegoat]

Question: do you hail from a region or culture that has multigenerational homes as typical? That may explain part of this difference.

 

In marrying my religion specifically indicates that w child is to leave their mother and father and join in all senses to their spouse - this is the new family unit. Extended family is important but can create complications, especially when a married couple is establishing themselves. But for, say, an Indian, Chinese, or even Guatemalan family this is going to be far less typical and longer term family ties, property and financial, would be more normal.

 

I think you'll find that this tracks onto culture more than religion.  In the US, I would say that where it has entered religion it comes from the culture, which tends for a variety of reasons to have nuclear rather than extended families as the norm.

 

If you look at Christians across cultures and over time, extended families living together are quite common. 

 

ETA - as far as difficulties living with parents and in-laws - this is a common theme cross-culturally as well, but I think it is much harder when it isn't part of the normal expectation and you haven't had a lot of experience of it.  When everyone knows what to expect, people find ways to make it work, there are some expectations they just don't have, they have homes set up to make it work, and so on.  And there are real benefits as well.