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Another episode of "what I never thought I'd have to say" (until I had children)...

AimeeM

By AimeeM,
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AimeeM

AimeeM

Posted
Posted

We've done this before.

 

Currently, in the Aimee M household, a certain toddler is going through a "I Wanna be a Nudist" phase.

 

"STOP rubbing whipped cream on your rear!"

 

"Don't scare your brother (by jumping on him naked)!"

 

"Don't terrorize your brother (by sitting naked on his blocks)!"

 

... and last, but certainly not least...

 

"I swear to God, if I have to take you to the ER because that block goes up your rear..." (as I run a speed any runner would envy, to try to determine which blocks COULD cause us to have to go to the ER)

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AimeeM

AimeeM

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Is it still up there? OK, let me get the otoscope and check because I can't see it.  (Yup, the Lego was still up the 4 year old's nose.)

Don't lick the couch. (To the 10 year old. Seriously, dude?)

Don't feel bad - I had to tell my 13.5 year old daughter to stop licking her brother the other day (I forget which brother).

 

I remember when my generally "by the rules" DS5 stuck a lego up his nose. What makes a kid want to do that???? He was right about the same age as yours when he did that, too :P

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Kerileanne99

Kerileanne99

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"I will give you a sticker if you stop riding my couch"

Said to a friend's 5yo after I noticed she has literally worn a hole in the arm of my leather sofa by 'riding' the arm on just a handful of visits--after I tried ensuring she used a 'saddle' (blanket) first:(

 

"No, we cannot stop to scoop up roadkill for dissection!" To dd5

 

"Bird poop is NEVER something to eat!"

"Because I said so!" --which I swore up and down ai would never say but after the 19th patient explanation fell upon deaf ears I simply didn't care:)

"No, we don't have time to make microscope slides of your ear wax. Or nose goblins. Or mine. Or anybody's. Maybe another day.

 

All of my these were just today.

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SKL

SKL

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The number of times I have told my 8yo not to stick her hands in her beverage in a restaurant, etc., is beyond ridiculous.  Her restaurant behavior seems to get worse every year.  :/

 

Today I was telling my kids not to exhibit their hula dancing skills at school.  (Apparently they do remember something from our trip to Chile.)  :/

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Gil

Gil

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Stop sniffing the cats ears/butt.

 

If you do not put your pants on right now, you're going to be walking around the store half naked because I'm not waiting for you anymore.

 

Stop barking at people. Do not maul your brother.

 

Get your fingers out of my nose/mouth/ear. (They used to put their fingers in my facial cavities if I was dozing/sleeping to 'check' I was alive.)

 

Why are you eating legos?

 

Do not suck peoples buttons.

 

Please, please, please take the tissue off the role before you use it.

 

If you don't stop chewing the furniture, I'm leaving you at the fire-station/orphanage.

 

Making you eat your food is not a crime--stop trying to dial the police.

 

If you want to play with your penis go in the bathroom! (Feels like I say this 10x a day to my younger son)

 

Who has been licking the bread?

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EndOfOrdinary

EndOfOrdinary

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"If the dog bites you, I'm going to side with the dog." (Ds like to play keep away a bit longer than the dog does sometimes)

"Take your hand out of your pants when you are talking to someone."

"Take your hand out of your pants when you are doing chemistry."

"Take your hand out of your pants when you are eating."

"Your penis is not a toy!"

 

I sympathize Gil. We were doing quite well from 7 to 10, but it has begun again. Seriously, males! What is the deal with the hand in the pants? Do girls do this too?

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TeacherZee

TeacherZee

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Don't feel bad - I had to tell my 13.5 year old daughter to stop licking her brother the other day (I forget which brother).

 

I remember when my generally "by the rules" DS5 stuck a lego up his nose. What makes a kid want to do that???? He was right about the same age as yours when he did that, too :p

 

Well.........in my case it was a character in a book who did it and it seemed like a fine idea at the time

 

 

 

 

(I was five and my parents are STILL telling that story)

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MotherGoose

MotherGoose

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Gil, those were hilarious!

 

Here's mine:

 

"DO NOT put the chicken down the twisty tunnel slide! Chickens DO NOT like to slide, especially down tunnel slides!"

 

(poor chicken)

My children have found that the chicken does not mind sliding too much, except for the pesky fact that she tends to poo on the slide after the second or third trip.
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Slache

Slache

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(Our children's godmother has twin sisters with rather long names so when we talk about them we refer to them by their last name instead of first.)

 

 

 

Sweetie, we do not refer to people by their color. The reason we call them the Brown girls is because that's their last name.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Gil

Gil

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"If you do not stop horsing around right now then, I'm going to burn every book in the house, throw out ALL of the toys and am never letting you go outside again. Because that way we can both go insane."

 

Me: How the heck did you forget to put on pants?" (Said after we'd arrived at our destination--he was fully dressed, except for the pants.

Pal: I was waiting for you to tell me to put on my pants, you didn't tell me so I forgot.

(Now I do usually tell them both to put on X or do Y as we are getting ready, but given how much he complains about my nagging I didn't realize that he was dependent upon these common-sense instructions.)

 

The boys are usually milling about when I am getting dressed and they asked why I put on deodorant in the mornings, before I'm sweaty.

Me: If you are waiting to stink before you put on deodorant than you've missed the point of deodorant.

Buddy: But if you prevent the odor by using deodorant in the morning then how you do know when you actually need deodorant?"

Me: Because you're already stinking up the place--so I just put deodorant on every morning when I wash up and I know that I'm good.

Buddy: Then shouldn't it be called preodorant?

 

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Rachel

Rachel

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Gil, those were hilarious!

 

Here's mine:

 

"DO NOT put the chicken down the twisty tunnel slide! Chickens DO NOT like to slide, especially down tunnel slides!"

 

(poor chicken)

My brother had one that did like to go sledding with him. It followed him around like a dog all the time.

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AimeeM

AimeeM

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There seems to be a naked theme to many of these. THAT has not been ANY better in the Aimee M household. Every single day I apologize to some visitor - the early interventionist, the speech therapist, the dog trainer... and most notably the poor neighbors who need only walk by the house with the nifty new glass storm doors to see in the house - for Marco's lack of ANY clothing (or diaper), and often for his sudden fascination with his... male appendage. 

 

The other day I left the house for some errand. DD13 and Dad were tag teaming Marco and Nico. Nico is potty trained finally, but isn't tall enough to get on and off the potty on his own (and isn't coordinated enough to use a step stool without falling), so he relies on help to get on and off. DD13 was doing something in the kitchen, Dad was helping Nico on the potty, and in the 3 minutes Marco (DS2) was left semi-unattended (easily within hearing distance in our small home), he stripped, broke into DD13's bedroom, found a blue highlighter and colored his penis, and legs, blue. Who knew that blue highlighter was as difficult to scrub off as permanent marker? I didn't... until that incident.

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foxbridgeacademy

foxbridgeacademy

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My 4 year old Nephew is visiting this weekend..... "get you hands out of your pants" was promptly followed by "get your finger out of your nose" then a quick trip to the bathroom for a lesson on hand washing.  Also I gave him hot chocolate last night with whipped cream and had to remind him "we don't stick our hands in cups".  I forgot what it was like to have little ones around, but he looks like a fuzzy blond mouse so, you know, I don't mind.

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foxbridgeacademy

foxbridgeacademy

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There seems to be a naked theme to many of these. THAT has not been ANY better in the Aimee M household. Every single day I apologize to some visitor - the early interventionist, the speech therapist, the dog trainer... and most notably the poor neighbors who need only walk by the house with the nifty new glass storm doors to see in the house - for Marco's lack of ANY clothing (or diaper), and often for his sudden fascination with his... male appendage. 

 

The other day I left the house for some errand. DD13 and Dad were tag teaming Marco and Nico. Nico is potty trained finally, but isn't tall enough to get on and off the potty on his own (and isn't coordinated enough to use a step stool without falling), so he relies on help to get on and off. DD13 was doing something in the kitchen, Dad was helping Nico on the potty, and in the 3 minutes Marco (DS2) was left semi-unattended (easily within hearing distance in our small home), he stripped, broke into DD13's bedroom, found a blue highlighter and colored his penis, and legs, blue. Who knew that blue highlighter was as difficult to scrub off as permanent marker? I didn't... until that incident.

The nephew showed up this weekend covered in black marker spots, everywhere but his face (his mom's compromise) it's washable though .

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bensonduck

bensonduck

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Your diaper is not a pocket. lease don't put the remote in it.

 

Naked boys are not allowed to help cook.

I've said both of these! Also:

 

Your behind is not a pocket. You may carry your toy in your hand, or you may put on pants with a pocket, but you may not use your behind to carry it.

 

Do not climb in/stand on/sit in the dishwasher. Close the dishwasher door. Get out of the dishwasher. (do I have the only toddler who is absolutely obsessed with the dishwasher? He would live in there if I let him.)

 

Don't lick the grocery cart/check out aisle/product shelves.

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Truscifi

Truscifi

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There seems to be a naked theme to many of these. THAT has not been ANY better in the Aimee M household. Every single day I apologize to some visitor - the early interventionist, the speech therapist, the dog trainer... and most notably the poor neighbors who need only walk by the house with the nifty new glass storm doors to see in the house - for Marco's lack of ANY clothing (or diaper), and often for his sudden fascination with his... male appendage. 

 

The other day I left the house for some errand. DD13 and Dad were tag teaming Marco and Nico. Nico is potty trained finally, but isn't tall enough to get on and off the potty on his own (and isn't coordinated enough to use a step stool without falling), so he relies on help to get on and off. DD13 was doing something in the kitchen, Dad was helping Nico on the potty, and in the 3 minutes Marco (DS2) was left semi-unattended (easily within hearing distance in our small home), he stripped, broke into DD13's bedroom, found a blue highlighter and colored his penis, and legs, blue. Who knew that blue highlighter was as difficult to scrub off as permanent marker? I didn't... until that incident.

 

We actually are ok with the kids coloring on themselves as long as it isn't with a permanent marker. The little one likes for his brother to draw faces on his belly. He calls it happy belly. Or in his speech "ha-ee behbee".  :001_wub:

 

I've said both of these! Also:

 

Your behind is not a pocket. You may carry your toy in your hand, or you may put on pants with a pocket, but you may not use your behind to carry it.

 

Do not climb in/stand on/sit in the dishwasher. Close the dishwasher door. Get out of the dishwasher. (do I have the only toddler who is absolutely obsessed with the dishwasher? He would live in there if I let him.)

 

Don't lick the grocery cart/check out aisle/product shelves.

 

You do not. In fact, if your toddler is also fascinated with the dryer, our toddlers may be twins.

 

Also, don't lick ALL THE THINGS is a regular refrain here. Sigh.

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DragonFaerie

DragonFaerie

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Do not climb in/stand on/sit in the dishwasher. Close the dishwasher door. Get out of the dishwasher. (do I have the only toddler who is absolutely obsessed with the dishwasher? He would live in there if I let him.)

 

 

 

OT, but I have a cat who loves the dishwasher.  The weirdo comes racing into the kitchen when he hears me doing the dishes and literally jumps into the dishwasher to sit on the open door.  I usually have to nudge him out with my foot when I'm ready to close it up.  Strange cat.   :lol:

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