Is this age appropriate for a 10 yr old?

Mommy22alyns · February 17, 2015

I didn't see where he grabbed and ran off with it? Just that he grabbed at it. I don't think mine would have grabbed at it, but they certainly would have noticed it and asked for a piece. I don't think reaching for it is abnormal for a 10 yo.

My girls, well, Sylvia, can be really picky, but I would NOT make a special trip to the store for a dinner (unless, as PP stated, it's for a sick kid).

I would definitely find a better hiding place. :D

JFSinIL · February 17, 2015

"hidden Cadbury Minieggs"

Aren't you just mad he found YOUR chocolate stash ;-)

I do agree that the behavior was a bit out of line, but, hey, CHOCOLATE! I doubt it crossed his mind at all that his little sister would then see it and want some, too. Pretty age appropriate to want to get to the CHOCOLATE (which you knew, since you had it stashed away in a drawer....)

unsinkable · February 17, 2015

I didn't see where he grabbed and ran off with it? Just that he grabbed at it. I don't think mine would have grabbed at it, but they certainly would have noticed it and asked for a piece. I don't think reaching for it is abnormal for a 10 yo.

My girls, well, Sylvia, can be really picky, but I would NOT make a special trip to the store for a dinner (unless, as PP stated, it's for a sick kid).

I would definitely find a better hiding place. :D

The "ran off" part might be about my post where a kid I know took the candy I brought his mom and ran into the basement and ate it all.

Elisabet1 · February 17, 2015

I should describe this in better details.

So there I was...so huge with baby. I knew I could not have chocolate of any sort, unless I bought extra. So Sunday, I got the kids pizza, and chocolate Easter Bunnies, and 3 bags of Cadbury Mini-eggs. The deal was, ONE bag was mine, the other two could be split between the 4 children.

However, this was foiled right away. I sat the bunnies out for each to pick one. I opened one for littlest one and 10 yr old got one. I called for other two. But before they could show, littlest one opened all the rest of the bunnies and played with them like dolls. :crying:

Oh well, we still had 2 bags for the children to split and one for me to hide. I hid my bag in oldest son's bed as his room is right inside the door and I did not want to get caught. I gave one bag to the children. They split it according to color. Pink to littlest one, blue to 5 yr old, and so on. Fine. Going to the store was not a big deal to get a special meal for 10 yr old. We had to go anyway. The point of that is, he is such a complainer about food, and it bothers me that even when he is getting exactly what he wants, he still finds something to complain about.

However, on the way out the door to the grocery, husband sits on the bed, playing on his phone, waiting for something. I walk in and ask what is he doing. The room has French Doors which is why the bed was right there. And sitting on the bed, right next to husband, were two small children, divvying up the eggs. They had gotten in to my secret stash! And my husband was so busy on his phone that he didn't notice. They were little touching my husband they were so close. My husband got the bag and stuck it in the drawer when no one was looking and headed to the store. He gets back, we start dinner. And 10 yr old starts talking about wanting chocolate. I tell him, no, you are getting exactly what you want for dinner, now please stop talking about it, you will set off your little siblings. But he is hopping around the kitchen, giggling about it and saying he just wants chocolate. He thinks he is being funny and he gets goofy like this and pesters after being told to stop. As this is going on, I am searching for a check book. I open the drawer where the chocolates are, and despite having been told just two minutes earlier..NO chocolate..he acts all excited and says "oh! chocolate!" and grabs for it. Which leads to littlest one running in to the room wanting it. I had to stop everything I was doing to grab the partially eaten bag out (because the littles had been eating them earlier) and run them upstairs and hide them. So realize, in the course of 24 hrs, he already had a chocolate Easter Bunny, and split 2 bags of the mini eggs with his little siblings. He was told that last bag was mine. He thought he was so funny grabbing at it like that. But I am starting to get really ticked over my food. I can never just bring home a little snack and let each person have one. The 10 yr old will come out and search all cupboards and drawers and talk openly about it despite my telling him not to, he is setting off the littles.

I AM irritated he found my secret stash. But I really thought that by telling him NO, and giving him his own before that would taper this. To top it off, After I got littles girl calmed down over it, I went to get my Quinoa and Kale dip that I had gotten for myself. He had his tortillini. All I had was Quinoa and Kale dip. Apparently, he thought the chips that came with the dip were good so he ate them. I had to eat the dip straight with a spoon.

Maybe I am getting possessive about the food. But this child gets in to everything. He thinks he is funny and will be giggling. And I have nothing safe in the house. I feel like I should make no more meals of his choosing since he is going to steal whatever I have for me. He gets to pick the meal about two times a week. Probably more on a regular basis. If something is being served for dinner that I can't eat or won't eat, all because it is for him, the least he can do is let me have my food.

I know..I am whining. I am just so hungry right now and food is starting to become a big issue. So much makes me feel icky and I feel like when something is fine, he is right in there taking it or something. And I should be able to have 3 mini-eggs in a sitting without feeling obligated to give him 3 bags to compensate. I guess it is this feeling that no matter what I give him, he wants more more more more and does not seem to get that I matter too.

Lang Syne Boardie · February 17, 2015

I don't think it's normal for a 10yo to eat up all the food and have no concept of sharing or waiting.

I'm trying to say that without judgment or blame because even though my kids have celiac disease (therefore a special diet has been part of their life forever) we have not had pickiness or food struggles. So I understand that I'm ignorant of the many causes of these problems. Not judging.

But I can't imagine that it's normal/age appropriate for a 10yo to not grasp the concept of dividing and sharing food for meals as well as the treats, or the concept of delayed gratification, either.

Jean in Newcastle · February 17, 2015

^{I don't understand why you can't just say "no" to your kids if they want something? None of that whole scenario would have happened at my house starting with the the first day. If a small child opened the chocolates, I'd simply remove them from her and still divvy them out. And I would put my bag away and tell them that it is off limits.}

itsheresomewhere · February 17, 2015

Is it possible that you have some hidden food hang ups that are making you see this as worse?

Perhaps maybe you discuss this with your therapist so you can learn to deal with this.

Hidden food should never been hidden in a easy access location to everyone.

Vida Winter · February 17, 2015

I generally cannot have any snacks or treats at all because as soon as the children see it, they want it, and they want it all, and they want it NOW. I think that is normal for the small children. But the 10 yr old?

Tonight, 10 yr old wanted Tortellini for dinner. Fine. Husband goes to store and buys it. WHILE it is cooking, I am looking for the check book. 10 yr old sees hidden Cadbury Minieggs in the drawer where I am looking for the check book. So right away, he gets excited and starts grabbing at it. He has NO special needs. But of course, because he did this, his little sister saw. Now she is sitting on the floor crying for the candy. I am ticked that he did this! He is getting the dinner he wants. And while it was cooking, he did this. Maybe I am overreacting. But I am tired of this. He is such a picky eater that most nights, we deal with his complaints about what we are cooking. Then, while cooking a meal he wanted that I hated, he has to grab at this bag, which led to his little sister seeing it.

Would you give a grounding or consequence for this? Or would you call it normal behavior? Or what?

This sounds normal for kids. I'd keep the candy out of sight until you want it to be eaten. One thing that has helped a great deal in our family is that we do not start eating a meal until someone says grace. I don't know if that would work for your family but it has done wonders for our self-control.

texasmama · February 17, 2015

Find a better hiding place for candy. ;)

I think you were most annoyed because the little sister cried and whined after he found them and little kids crying and whining can go on and on. That is not his fault, though. I think you are also annoyed because you and dh have made some concessions to please this child regarding dinner, yet he still wants candy. I want candy, too, though. You can consider not making so many concessions that you are resentful. I would not personally send dh to the store to buy something last minute to please one child unless the child was really sick or it was his/her birthday because it would make me resentful. There are enough opportunities in parenting to be resentful so I really try to minimize those I have control over.

If my kids found some candy and I didn't want them to eat it, I would tell them to wait. They would wait.

texasmama · February 17, 2015

Just read your last long update, and it sounds like you feel completely out of control of your kids' behavior and that they kind of run amok doing whatever they like. Is that the case? Is this just an issue around food?

Mommy22alyns · February 17, 2015

I should describe this in better details.

So there I was...so huge with baby. I knew I could not have chocolate of any sort, unless I bought extra. So Sunday, I got the kids pizza, and chocolate Easter Bunnies, and 3 bags of Cadbury Mini-eggs. The deal was, ONE bag was mine, the other two could be split between the 4 children.

However, this was foiled right away. I sat the bunnies out for each to pick one. I opened one for littlest one and 10 yr old got one. I called for other two. But before they could show, littlest one opened all the rest of the bunnies and played with them like dolls. :crying:

Oh well, we still had 2 bags for the children to split and one for me to hide. I hid my bag in oldest son's bed as his room is right inside the door and I did not want to get caught. I gave one bag to the children. They split it according to color. Pink to littlest one, blue to 5 yr old, and so on. Fine. Going to the store was not a big deal to get a special meal for 10 yr old. We had to go anyway. The point of that is, he is such a complainer about food, and it bothers me that even when he is getting exactly what he wants, he still finds something to complain about.

However, on the way out the door to the grocery, husband sits on the bed, playing on his phone, waiting for something. I walk in and ask what is he doing. The room has French Doors which is why the bed was right there. And sitting on the bed, right next to husband, were two small children, divvying up the eggs. They had gotten in to my secret stash! And my husband was so busy on his phone that he didn't notice. They were little touching my husband they were so close. My husband got the bag and stuck it in the drawer when no one was looking and headed to the store. He gets back, we start dinner. And 10 yr old starts talking about wanting chocolate. I tell him, no, you are getting exactly what you want for dinner, now please stop talking about it, you will set off your little siblings. But he is hopping around the kitchen, giggling about it and saying he just wants chocolate. He thinks he is being funny and he gets goofy like this and pesters after being told to stop. As this is going on, I am searching for a check book. I open the drawer where the chocolates are, and despite having been told just two minutes earlier..NO chocolate..he acts all excited and says "oh! chocolate!" and grabs for it. Which leads to littlest one running in to the room wanting it. I had to stop everything I was doing to grab the partially eaten bag out (because the littles had been eating them earlier) and run them upstairs and hide them. So realize, in the course of 24 hrs, he already had a chocolate Easter Bunny, and split 2 bags of the mini eggs with his little siblings. He was told that last bag was mine. He thought he was so funny grabbing at it like that. But I am starting to get really ticked over my food. I can never just bring home a little snack and let each person have one. The 10 yr old will come out and search all cupboards and drawers and talk openly about it despite my telling him not to, he is setting off the littles.

I AM irritated he found my secret stash. But I really thought that by telling him NO, and giving him his own before that would taper this. To top it off, After I got littles girl calmed down over it, I went to get my Quinoa and Kale dip that I had gotten for myself. He had his tortillini. All I had was Quinoa and Kale dip. Apparently, he thought the chips that came with the dip were good so he ate them. I had to eat the dip straight with a spoon.

Maybe I am getting possessive about the food. But this child gets in to everything. He thinks he is funny and will be giggling. And I have nothing safe in the house. I feel like I should make no more meals of his choosing since he is going to steal whatever I have for me. He gets to pick the meal about two times a week. Probably more on a regular basis. If something is being served for dinner that I can't eat or won't eat, all because it is for him, the least he can do is let me have my food.

I know..I am whining. I am just so hungry right now and food is starting to become a big issue. So much makes me feel icky and I feel like when something is fine, he is right in there taking it or something. And I should be able to have 3 mini-eggs in a sitting without feeling obligated to give him 3 bags to compensate. I guess it is this feeling that no matter what I give him, he wants more more more more and does not seem to get that I matter too.

This sounds less typical to me. I'd be pretty hot if one of the girls ate all my chips without even asking, when they knew they were mine and they already had a special meal. I don't have any advice to add on this kind of behavior though.

hornblower · February 17, 2015

Ok, I have no advice because I don't understand your life.

I don't understand the chaos.

I don't understand littles being left unsupervised (I would totally expect a little kid to open stuff & unwrap the bunnies. I wouldn't have left them anywhere near her for eg)

I don't understand hiding food.

I don't understand how someone can 'steal' your food.

I don't understand your 10 yo or why he's behaving the way he is.

I've got nothing....

Katy · February 17, 2015

Eh, you're just taking it personally because you're pregnant. Find a bin or basket to hide your stash in. Hide your bag in your purse (kiddos are not allowed in my nightstand or my purse, ever). Distribute chocolate. Refuse chocolate for child who grabbed at some until they apologize. After kids go to bed, eat your stash and hide remainders in bin or basket and hide that on a high shelf they never look and cannot reach unless they are on a stepstool or standing on the counter (inside your closet on the highest shelf, the top cabinet in the laundry room behind the borax, in cold months locked in my car, etc).

If all else fails, unless someone is HELPING me with dinner, no one but Dad is allowed in the kitchen when I'm cooking.

Tsuga · February 17, 2015

It is really hard for me to imagine what a typical 10-year-old would do in that environment, Elisabet. We have a very, very different environment.

Only fruits, veggies and nuts are snacks. Exception would be before swim--then you can have a yoghurt or something.
We don't give our kids bags of candy to split--that is on holidays. You get your own Halloween, Christmas, or Easter candy and that is IT. The end.
We have a stash and if they eat it, they pay cash money. I suppose we'd lock it up if we had a child with food issues and I was pregnant.
We don't have candy before dinner.
The kids don't go into our room. (PERIOD.) And we knock before going into theirs.
Nobody gets special meals unless there is an allergy or religious restriction (and in fact there are, and we have done special meals for that). Ever. I don't care if you go to bed hungry. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit.

Now, all of our children (we have four, from 5 to 13) have been raised with this attitude.

Things that get you sent off from dinner for the night (the little one still gets warnings):

Playing with food.
Grabbing food (you say, "please pass the...")
Complaining about food. You don't have to eat it. You DO have to be polite. "No thank you."

In addition, you do not begin until everyone is seated at the table.

No seconds until you've finished most of your vegetables (everyone gets one veto per meal) and your meat.

If you ask for dessert, no dessert. Even if grandma brought dessert. Even if it's pie.

No food is off limits in our home, but there is a time and a place.

It does not sound like you have that in your home. It sounds somewhat arbitrary/situational. That would not work with our kids. It just wouldn't. It would be WWIII every day at the dinner table. So in that sense, sure, what you are describing sounds normal, given the set-up.

The set-up sounds very hard to manage. I could not manage that. I wish you good luck in finding a set-up that allows your 10-year-old to control his impulses more.

Dmmetler · February 17, 2015

My 10 yr old would have wanted some, but wouldn't have grabbed and would have accepted "After dinner", and a redirection to carrot sticks or an orange for now. Having said this, for the most part no one has "private" stashes around here. Food is generally open to all at appropriate times of the day-sweet stuff is usually reserved for after dinner as a family (usually while reading together or playing board games).

Joker · February 17, 2015

nm

regentrude · February 17, 2015

I AM irritated he found my secret stash. But I really thought that by telling him NO, and giving him his own before that would taper this. To top it off, After I got littles girl calmed down over it, I went to get my Quinoa and Kale dip that I had gotten for myself. He had his tortillini. All I had was Quinoa and Kale dip. Apparently, he thought the chips that came with the dip were good so he ate them. I had to eat the dip straight with a spoon.

Maybe I am getting possessive about the food. But this child gets in to everything. He thinks he is funny and will be giggling. And I have nothing safe in the house. I feel like I should make no more meals of his choosing since he is going to steal whatever I have for me. He gets to pick the meal about two times a week. Probably more on a regular basis. If something is being served for dinner that I can't eat or won't eat, all because it is for him, the least he can do is let me have my food.

Did you clearly inform your 10 y/o that he may not eat those chips?

I can not fathom the concept of "stealing" food in a family - in our house, food is there for all to eat. There are no foods reserved solely for one person. There is no "my" food (unless it is on my plate).

Now, sometimes there are foods reserved for a specific occasion, and the family is told that these foods are to be saved. I would expect a 10 y/o (but not little ones) to be able to obey this rule. I might label such food with a sticky note.

I think if you really feel you must hide foods form your children, you need to find a better hiding place or make it abundantly clear that a certain food is not to be touched.

Whereneverever · February 17, 2015

I say this in kindness. You've been posting on here, a lot. I don't remember you too much before all this stuff, but you look like you have a lot going on. I think you all need counseling and some help. An internet message board is really not the place for that. You're also putting a ton of details on your life AND your children's lives. This is a public place. I would stop and think about how they're going to feel if they ever read all of this.

Ymmv.

hornblower · February 17, 2015

whereas in my house you can eat when you want (including before dinner but I will remind someone what we're having in case they don't want to fill up on something else & then have no appetite for what's coming later)

you can eat what you want. If it's in the house, you can have it. (the only exceptions are things which people have set aside & marked for their lunch etc. Everyone is actually pretty good about asking even about ingredients. "can I cook these potatoes for myself or was anyone wanting them for a recipe?" would be an example. When dd makes her lunches & dinners for work, they're in a bag in the fridge or marked with tape so we all know.)

if i didn't want little people eating it, i wouldn't bring it in the house. (of course now the big people come home with their own stashes of things LOL)

nobody has ever been sent from the table for anything

we can talk about any food, including discussing and asking about the dessert that's coming up

you can say "no thank you" to anything on the table & you're always free to make yourself something else

you don't have to try anything

you can skip eating at all but we'd love for everyone to gather just to chat

say please. say thank you.

offer to share.

ask before taking the last thing. (we had a small rough spot for a bit because now ds really likes having a small serving & then having seconds. sometimes dh had cleaned out the dish by then, mostly because that hadn't been an issue until ds hit puberty and turned into a ginormous dude, needing to eat large amounts of food. after a few incidences of hurt feelings, we adjusted by making larger portions & everyone, including dh, now makes sure to check that it's ok to take the last of the contents of any container)

different strokes for different folks. However, the key is that it's calm & peaceful here. I don't really know how we ended up here though so I'm not sure I could roadmap it for anyone. There aren't all the rules that so many people have so I'm not sure why it works for us....

Anne in CA · February 17, 2015

After the update I would have to say that the boy probably needs more firm boundaries and training with regard to not eating whatever he feels like in the moment, because other people live in the house too. It's not going to happen over night, but he does need to learn that being obnoxious is not funny. I went to school with kids who never figured this out on their own, so I think he probably needs constant consistent training in this area so that he will not have social problems stemming from this as a teen. Because a teen who does not follow social cues of what is funny or not has real problems.

OP (hugs) I know your older child probably "used up" a lot of the parenting time that the younger ones needed and now these issues are coming home to roost. I think that you are lucky in that a 10yo is much easier to work with than a teen, and I think this is totally doable without too much effort, if you and your dh work together on the main issues.

My oldest child had a lot of issues and it always seemed like the other kids were so easy in comparison, but the reality is I did not parent them the way I should have because the oldest was a drama queen and the younger ones seemed so good compared to her. When she moved out I had to really work with the younger two on some things and one of them was a teen then and it was harder than it should have been if we had addressed some things when they were younger.

Joker · February 17, 2015

you can eat what you want. If it's in the house, you can have it. (the only exceptions are things which people have set aside & marked for their lunch etc. Everyone is actually pretty good about asking even about ingredients. "can I cook these potatoes for myself or was anyone wanting them for a recipe?" would be an example. When dd makes her lunches & dinners for work, they're in a bag in the fridge or marked with tape so we all know.)

if i didn't want little people eating it, i wouldn't bring it in the house. (of course now the big people come home with their own stashes of things LOL)

Yeah, two nights ago oldest didn't like what we were having so she pulled a salmon burger out of the freezer and made that for herself. Her dinner was healthier than ours so it would seem rather silly for me to tell her no. We've never had food issues here either. If being strict works for some that's fine but it's definitely not required to end up with healthy eaters and pleasant meal times.

MedicMom · February 17, 2015

I don't get the angst.

Ten year old boys are always hungry. They are silly and goofy. They don't think about who's food is who.

I have preschoolers. They got into my Valentine's candy while I was in the bathroom dealing with morning sickness. Whatever. I took it away and told them I hoped they don't get sick from all the chocolate and reminded them to ask.

I don't hide food or get upset when they get into stuff occasionally. They're kids. That's what kids do.

zoobie · February 17, 2015

whereas in my house you can eat when you want (including before dinner but I will remind someone what we're having in case they don't want to fill up on something else & then have no appetite for what's coming later)

you can eat what you want. If it's in the house, you can have it. (the only exceptions are things which people have set aside & marked for their lunch etc. Everyone is actually pretty good about asking even about ingredients. "can I cook these potatoes for myself or was anyone wanting them for a recipe?" would be an example. When dd makes her lunches & dinners for work, they're in a bag in the fridge or marked with tape so we all know.)

if i didn't want little people eating it, i wouldn't bring it in the house. (of course now the big people come home with their own stashes of things LOL)

nobody has ever been sent from the table for anything

we can talk about any food, including discussing and asking about the dessert that's coming up

you can say "no thank you" to anything on the table & you're always free to make yourself something else

you don't have to try anything

you can skip eating at all but we'd love for everyone to gather just to chat

say please. say thank you.

offer to share.

ask before taking the last thing. (we had a small rough spot for a bit because now ds really likes having a small serving & then having seconds. sometimes dh had cleaned out the dish by then, mostly because that hadn't been an issue until ds hit puberty and turned into a ginormous dude, needing to eat large amounts of food. after a few incidences of hurt feelings, we adjusted by making larger portions & everyone, including dh, now makes sure to check that it's ok to take the last of the contents of any container)

different strokes for different folks. However, the key is that it's calm & peaceful here. I don't really know how we ended up here though so I'm not sure I could roadmap it for anyone. There aren't all the rules that so many people have so I'm not sure why it works for us....

That's more of my ideal, but I have sent kids who were being rude away from the table.

I also have been at the end of my patience, pregnant, with a toddler into every.little.thing, and felt overwhelmed and exasperated. My body wasn't my own, my space was constantly invaded, and if someone ate the thing I had been craving, I might've had a meltdown. And sobbed to my DH about nothing being mine. Those are all on me though, not the other people who were generally behaving normally. Playing armchair therapist here, I don't think this is about the actual candy or food.

SKL · February 17, 2015

I'm going with "you're pregnant and starving and have had enough!"

I don't think your child is a pathological maniac. :P He was on a sugar high and acting silly like many kids on sugar highs do.

You might want to lay down the law and be really strict for a while, so people are less likely to push their limits while you are starving and not feeling great.

I'm not even pregnant, but I can be a bit irrational when I'm starving. So can my kids.

skimomma · February 17, 2015

This all sounds like it is about a lot more than grabbing candy.

To answer the original question, yes I do think it is normal for some 10yos to grab candy depending on the household food culture. Some people simply cannot resist candy and other treats. If that describes one or more of your kids, I don't think having it in the house is a good idea. Out of sight, out of mind. Or if one individual has a treat that is for them only, be it child or adult, there needs to be clear rules about that. For instance, we all get a great deal of candy at Christmas. Dd eats hers more quickly than dh or me. She is free to eat hers whenever she wants but once it is gone it is gone. Mine is stored in a separate area and everyone knows it is 100% off limits to anyone else unless I offer to share it. This works because dd follows rules and I know I don't have to worry about it. If that were not the case I would either put the candy somewhere that was 100% inaccessible to dd (under lock and key if necessary) or not keep my own stash of candy at all. If I fail to do those things and an unsupervised child gets into my stash, I really have only myself to blame.

I see so much in your description that just seems so out of control. Like kids are running amok constantly. Why are the littles unsupervised long enough to unwrap and get into candy, why would your candy ever be stored in a child's bed, how can husband not notice littles getting into something they shouldn't (be it candy or something far more dangerous), why are special meals being prepared for various people (unless it is medically necessary), etc.... The issue is not that a 10yo saw candy and could not stop his impulse to reach for it, which IMO is normal and certainly not a punishable offense.

Tsuga · February 17, 2015

whereas in my house you can eat when you want (including before dinner but I will remind someone what we're having in case they don't want to fill up on something else & then have no appetite for what's coming later)

you can eat what you want. If it's in the house, you can have it. (the only exceptions are things which people have set aside & marked for their lunch etc. Everyone is actually pretty good about asking even about ingredients. "can I cook these potatoes for myself or was anyone wanting them for a recipe?" would be an example. When dd makes her lunches & dinners for work, they're in a bag in the fridge or marked with tape so we all know.)

if i didn't want little people eating it, i wouldn't bring it in the house. (of course now the big people come home with their own stashes of things LOL)

I think the point is that you have some limits which are general rules rather than situational instructions.

We don't have a huge stash, either--you can eat everything that is in the house, but it just so happens that we're not buying chocolate, because that is really hard for people to moderate, you know?

And as for dessert--we used to do that. We used to talk about anything.

But you know what? I am sick about answering "now can I have dessert? what is for dessert? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now?What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now?

What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now?

What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now?"

I just... I just can't do it. LOL. Now you aren't allowed to ask about sugar. Sorry.

When you get married to your spouse you can ask HIM OR HER about dessert throughout the entire meal.

"Excuse me waiter, are you bringing a dessert menu? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now?"

We didn't get to these rules out of nowhere. I HATE this stupid rule. But it has enabled us to talk about things like, you know, "Hey babe how was your day?"

Without getting the answer, "Good are we having dessert?"

zoobie · February 17, 2015

Lol Binip! I think we have the same child. :)

EmseB · February 17, 2015

That's more of my ideal, but I have sent kids who were being rude away from the table.

I also have been at the end of my patience, pregnant, with a toddler into every.little.thing, and felt overwhelmed and exasperated. My body wasn't my own, my space was constantly invaded, and if someone ate the thing I had been craving, I might've had a meltdown. And sobbed to my DH about nothing being mine. Those are all on me though, not the other people who were generally behaving normally. Playing armchair therapist here, I don't think this is about the actual candy or food.

In our house (me being 37w about now) that is when DH scuttles everyone out of the kitchen and says mom needs her space. Heck, he does that when I'm not pregnant, but I think understands the urgency of the situation more when I am!

But the only one that consistently doesn't listen to me is the 2yo. The 7yo and 5yo will generally find something else to do if I tell them to skeedaddle.

SKL · February 17, 2015

LOL Binip! I set a rule long ago that my kids are not allowed to repeat anything 3 or more times. That makes me crazy.

skimomma · February 17, 2015

Binip's post reminded me about a rule I had to institute this year. You can only ask "what is for lunch/dinner?" once per day. It has nothing to do with complaining or asking about treats....it was just this weird habit that dd AND dh got into where they ask "what is for lunch?" then forget the answer five minutes later and ask again. And again. And again. On top of that, the weekly menu is POSTED on the kitchen wall. They could just LOOK. Ugh! Despite the rule, which was instituted in September, they still try to ask again. I do consider myself pretty lucky that this is what I consider a "problem."

Elisabet1 · February 17, 2015

I'm going with "you're pregnant and starving and have had enough!"

I don't think your child is a pathological maniac. :p He was on a sugar high and acting silly like many kids on sugar highs do.

You might want to lay down the law and be really strict for a while, so people are less likely to push their limits while you are starving and not feeling great.

I'm not even pregnant, but I can be a bit irrational when I'm starving. So can my kids.

I think I will go with that!

I will say, I do not even like the Quinoa and Kale, but...I am desperate and couldn't put it down! It did not even taste that good and I kept right on eating it! My tastes are getting rather irrational lately.

Elisabet1 · February 17, 2015

I say this in kindness. You've been posting on here, a lot. I don't remember you too much before all this stuff, but you look like you have a lot going on. I think you all need counseling and some help. An internet message board is really not the place for that. You're also putting a ton of details on your life AND your children's lives. This is a public place. I would stop and think about how they're going to feel if they ever read all of this.

Ymmv.

You do not notice my positive posts. You did not notice my thousands of posts in the year prior to my first negative post. And you only notice what you perceive to be negatives posts. But then you think I need counseling based on being 9 months pregnant and possessive of my food and ticked about it? Why would you not notice people's positive posts? Why do you only focus on the negative? Why can't you see the good and the bad in someone?

albeto. · February 17, 2015

I don't get the angst.

I've got the impression the angst has less to do with one event and more to do with a generally stressful environment. The OP has a high needs daughter with mental health challenges who challenges her patience and exceeds her ability to help. Her relationship with her parents (or siblings or something) is strained, and to make matters worse, now the two have teamed up (the daughter and grandparents). She's got a number of children (20yo ds with special needs struggling with college; 18 yo dd bipolar now teaming up with estranged birth parents; 13 yo with Asperger's; 10 yo who is impulsive, possibly LD, and apparently requires more attention; 5 yo with ASD; 3 yo), pregnant at 44, baby is imminent, and is redecorating the house. That's a lot of effort and concentration going into parenting, and it's going to increase by an exponent of Baby. Most parents with children with special needs have streamlined an enormously efficient, organized routine by this time, and bags of unwatched, accessible candy wouldn't be part of the equation, like, ever. My house is very disorganized, so I can commiserate to some extent, but not blaming the child for the parent's shortsightedness. I'm getting this from memory and from threads the OP has started, so take it with a grain of salt.

Edited February 17, 2015 by albeto.

hornblower · February 17, 2015

But you know what? I am sick about answering "now can I have dessert? what is for dessert? What about now?

snipped LOL

Ah well. You know the whole ymmv but in my house again the answer would have been. "Yup. Go ahead." because I don't care what order people eat their food in. Maybe if it was something that requires my help & I've already started eating, I'd say, "please wait till I'm finished, ok?" If it was a huge issue, I'd start serving dessert first. Or making the kid a tray like you get in institutional meals where everything is there at once & you can pick which order you eat it in.

And if I was really concerned, I'd make sure that the dessert was almost always stuff like fruit or puddings or sorbets. In general actually we tend to have fruit But even if it's fruit crumble or a chocolate cake or a brownie... - here, have your portion. Don't want your dinner now? Well, then make a plate, cover it & put in the fridge for when you get hungry.

Maybe it's because dessert is my favorite part of a meal. When I go out I especially plan my meals around dessert & sometimes all I'll have is salad & the dessert. The thing in the middle is just a waste of time & calories lol....

Arcadia · February 17, 2015

There are treats that hubby bought for me that hubby says are for mommy only. It is our house rule so my kids leave my stuff alone.

I think you need to set house rules that work for your family. It makes life less stressful before and after your baby is born.

vonfirmath · February 17, 2015

LOL Binip! I set a rule long ago that my kids are not allowed to repeat anything 3 or more times. That makes me crazy.

...You know. I think I like this rule. I'll have to think about it.

Whereneverever · February 17, 2015

I've got the impression the angst has less to do with one event and more to do with a generally stressful environment. The OP has a high needs daughter with mental health challenges who challenges her patience and exceeds her ability to help. Her relationship with her parents (or siblings or something) is strained, and to make matters worse, now the two have teamed up (the daughter and grandparents). She's got a number of children (20yo ds with special needs struggling with college; 18 yo dd bipolar now teaming up with estranged birth parents; 13 yo with Asperger's; 10 yo who is impulsive, possibly LD, and apparently requires more attention; 5 yo with ASD; 3 yo), pregnant at 44, baby is imminent, and is redecorating the house. That's a lot of effort and concentration going into parenting, and it's going to increase by an exponent of Baby. Most parents with children with special needs have streamlined an enormously efficient, organized routine by this time, and bags of unwatched, accessible candy wouldn't be part of the equation, like, ever. My house is very disorganized, so I can commiserate to some extent, but not blaming the child for the parent's shortsightedness. I'm getting this from memory and from threads the OP has started, so take it with a grain of salt.

This. I know it wasn't just me noticing this.

I'm not suggesting counseling to be snarky. It's the opposite. I am concerned about the things you are *choosing* to share on a public forum and the pattern that has emerged.

Tsuga · February 17, 2015

snipped LOL

Ah well. You know the whole ymmv but in my house again the answer would have been. "Yup. Go ahead." because I don't care what order people eat their food in.

Surely it is not about order, though? If it was a question of order it would be no problem. They will eat dessert and not food. And we do have that some nights. "Dessert night!" But you can't spend every night asking if it's dessert night.

100% of the time, I try to deal with my children as if they are responsible, rational, intelligent beings. I will only begin "parenting" (in other words, trying to teach them responsibility, rational behavior, or new facts) if their behavior belies my assumption that they are capable of self-discipline and self-regulation and they begin to harm themselves and others.

I have to say I spend a LOT more time parenting and making up insane rules than I ever would have thought possible.

marbel · February 17, 2015

<snip>

However, this was foiled right away. I sat the bunnies out for each to pick one. I opened one for littlest one and 10 yr old got one. I called for other two. But before they could show, littlest one opened all the rest of the bunnies and played with them like dolls. :crying:

<snip>

However, on the way out the door to the grocery, husband sits on the bed, playing on his phone, waiting for something. I walk in and ask what is he doing. The room has French Doors which is why the bed was right there. And sitting on the bed, right next to husband, were two small children, divvying up the eggs. They had gotten in to my secret stash! And my husband was so busy on his phone that he didn't notice.

<snip>

I can never just bring home a little snack and let each person have one. The 10 yr old will come out and search all cupboards and drawers and talk openly about it despite my telling him not to, he is setting off the littles.

<snip>

Maybe I am getting possessive about the food. But this child gets in to everything. He thinks he is funny and will be giggling. And I have nothing safe in the house. I feel like I should make no more meals of his choosing since he is going to steal whatever I have for me. He gets to pick the meal about two times a week. Probably more on a regular basis. If something is being served for dinner that I can't eat or won't eat, all because it is for him, the least he can do is let me have my food.

Elisabet, (very gently), was this an isolated, unusual incident, or does this sort of thing happen on a regular basis? There are so many things going wrong here. We can all have a bad day, when too much candy is consumed, or kids are extra demanding for one reason or another. But it sounds as if your family (your 10-year-old, in particular) need some extra guidance to reduce chaos and the food issues.

Do you have a relative or friend whose family you admire, who you could approach to get some guidance to get things under control? It can be very humbling to ask for that sort of help, but it can be very fruitful.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to limit access to certain foods in your home, and it is reasonable for there to be food items that "belong" to someone in particular (such as the chips you had to go with your dip, when that was all you had to eat). It doesn't have to be a big deal.

It is not always easy to deal with food preferences or with kids who have no self-control when it comes to certain foods, particularly when kids are young and can't cook for themselves. But it sounds as if you need some help in dealing with that in your family.

hornblower · February 17, 2015

Surely it is not about order, though? If it was a question of order it would be no problem. They will eat dessert and not food. And we do have that some nights. "Dessert night!" But you can't spend every night asking if it's dessert night.

Hi binip, I don't see how it isn't about order? Wouldn't they still be hungry eventually? You get your portion and that's it. Wouldn't they eventually want more food? Like perhaps need a bigger evening snack/meal? Then they'd have to go find food in the kitchen or the leftovers in the fridge.

I think if a kid was really not hungry after a dessert then I'd think that dessert portion was too large. It either fits or it doesn't & I don't see how it could fit *after* a meal but not before a meal. I would worry that if that's the case, then they're getting into a pattern of gorging: being really full from dinner but really desiring this special treat & stuffing it in. That would be worrisome to me.

We only have so much dessert so once you've eaten your portion, it's done. With cake, usually there are several pieces/person & each person decides when to eat theirs. I might save mine & have it for breakfast next day. I sometimes give mine away to the naturally skinny & actively growing people in the house ;)

dd might take it to school or work. Ds (currently 6'4" and growing every minutes) might choose to eat all of his at once. The next day he has none. It all balances in the end.

Maybe it helps that I don't think about balanced meals? I don't even try to think of balanced days. I just sort of think it balances out over the week. We do tend to be health conscious, we've always had some sort of "food plate thing" posted on the fridge and I've always encouraged our kids, right from the beginning, to look a the guidelines and think about how to nourish themselves. For the past few years, this is the thing on the fridge I personally tend to overdo the grain/starch side for ex. so I need the visual reminder to balance out my daily rations.

I do think there's a lot we need to teach our kids & guide them about wrt food, and esp the predisposition we have as humans to like sweets & certain slippery mouth texture things. We've always just talked a lot about how somethings are good for the mouth but not so good for the rest of us. We talk about how we feel if we eat too much out of one category of food, whether we notice the effects; whether even if we don't notice the effects right away, maybe we notice over a period of weeks.

Fruit is our dessert over 50% of the time. Cookies or a baked thingy would be about 2x a week. Sometimes we don't have anything at all. I guess it goes without saying that we've never had the 'finish that dinner to have dessert' rule... I think if faced with a child with severe dessert issues, I'd be inclined to just not have it at all or to serve only a variety of fruits.

albeto. · February 17, 2015

However, on the way out the door to the grocery, husband sits on the bed, playing on his phone, waiting for something. I walk in and ask what is he doing. The room has French Doors which is why the bed was right there. And sitting on the bed, right next to husband, were two small children, divvying up the eggs. They had gotten in to my secret stash! And my husband was so busy on his phone that he didn't notice. They were little touching my husband they were so close. My husband got the bag and stuck it in the drawer when no one was looking and headed to the store.

I'm guessing you and your husband don't work as a team so much, but rather you each do what you see needs to get done? That's actually the way my dh and I work, there's no alloted chores or tasks, but we have similar expectations, so it's not a problem for us to just assume what needs to get done gets done. A lot of that falls on me because that's just practical, but if my husband were this airheaded, I'd call him out on it. It sounds like you guys aren't so much in sync in general. When you figure out a system that works for you both, you'll be half way there.

He gets back, we start dinner. And 10 yr old starts talking about wanting chocolate. I tell him, no, you are getting exactly what you want for dinner, now please stop talking about it, you will set off your little siblings. But he is hopping around the kitchen, giggling about it and saying he just wants chocolate. He thinks he is being funny and he gets goofy like this and pesters after being told to stop.

You know your son is impulsive, doesn't really think through his behaviors, is more creatively inspired than practical. While I recognize the value of tuning out superfluous background noise, something like this might be better addressed as a primary need. Squirrelly boys who are rambunctious, slap-happy, wound up, hungry, impulsive, and in the way, are boys who need safe and effective redirection. Ignoring this kind of behavior will only reinforce it (it feels good to bathe in that euphoria without restrictions).

As this is going on, I am searching for a check book.

This sounds like something I might do. The whole house is up in chaos, and I've got my brain focused on something that simply pushes everything else aside. It's called ADD, and it's not just about being spacey, it's about the brain simply not grasping those important cues that are getting filtered out along side other events deemed unnecessary (like where the dog is, the sound of the heater turning on, the song playing in your head, oh yeah, gotta call Mom tomorrow, etc). Only, squirrelly boys singing and dancing about candy while supper is getting made isn't an unnecessary event, and grabbing check books are. I'd suggest you develop a water tight routine for your family, and stick to it, no matter how dull it may feel after a few days. You and your family require more organization than you seem to be providing.

I open the drawer where the chocolates are, and despite having been told just two minutes earlier..NO chocolate..he acts all excited and says "oh! chocolate!" and grabs for it. Which leads to littlest one running in to the room wanting it.

Well yeah, because that's fun. And fun is the name of the game right now.

I had to stop everything I was doing to grab the partially eaten bag out (because the littles had been eating them earlier) and run them upstairs and hide them.

This doesn't make sense to me. Why not stick them in the cupboard for the time being and continue with what you're doing? Hide them later. That running away to hide them in the midst of all this action makes me wonder if your brain is similarly ADD like mine. It just... reacts without thinking through sometimes. Behaviors can feel so logical when you're acting them out, but this doesn't seem logical to me at all (which is easier said now that the moment has passed).

So realize, in the course of 24 hrs, he already had a chocolate Easter Bunny, and split 2 bags of the mini eggs with his little siblings. He was told that last bag was mine. He thought he was so funny grabbing at it like that. But I am starting to get really ticked over my food. I can never just bring home a little snack and let each person have one. The 10 yr old will come out and search all cupboards and drawers and talk openly about it despite my telling him not to, he is setting off the littles.

This is the family dynamic in which he is growing. He's playing by the rules as he understands them. I would encourage you to not blame him, but instead try and figure out how the family can adopt some structure. Then gently guide your kids as they learn how to adapt to this new structure.

Maybe I am getting possessive about the food. But this child gets in to everything. He thinks he is funny and will be giggling. And I have nothing safe in the house. I feel like I should make no more meals of his choosing since he is going to steal whatever I have for me. He gets to pick the meal about two times a week. Probably more on a regular basis. If something is being served for dinner that I can't eat or won't eat, all because it is for him, the least he can do is let me have my food.

I think that will ultimately only teach him to be similarly passive-aggressive (you encourage people do do what you like by making things miserable for them when they don't). Instead I'd suggest you make mealtimes a part of this non-flexible schedule. I wouldn't punish him by making all the meals miserable. He may have some legitimate reasons to avoid food. If all his siblings have some kind of neurological glitches going on, it's not unreasonable to assume his perception/sensory experiences are more likely to be on the delicate side. That's not his fault. He didn't chose to be born with hypersensitive taste or texture responses.

I know..I am whining. I am just so hungry right now and food is starting to become a big issue. So much makes me feel icky and I feel like when something is fine, he is right in there taking it or something. And I should be able to have 3 mini-eggs in a sitting without feeling obligated to give him 3 bags to compensate. I guess it is this feeling that no matter what I give him, he wants more more more more and does not seem to get that I matter too.

In my opinon, this isn't about food. This is about impulse control and Theory of Mind skills.

So, some practical ideas that I've seen and/or used over the years:

Have a menu plan for the week. Find some online menu organizer that will keep track of the ingredients you'll need, the time it takes to make them, any nutritional info you might need, and the like. I use Plan To Eat. Works well for me.

Get a stack of paper plates. Every morning have one of the kids draw the meal plan for that night. You help write the words if they can't. They can draw a chicken drumstick, a corn on the cob, and a piece of bread with butter. Stick this paper plate on the fridge. Then when kids want to know what's for supper, you point them to the fridge. Or you can take a photo and put that up. A child smiling with a nice, greasy, drumstick makes for a fun menu the next time chicken is being served.

Have supper the same time every night.

No exceptions.

Have snacks prepared 90 min before supper. Snacks might be apple slices and cheese, celery and peanut butter, nuts and grapes, yogurt and fruit, or whatever works for you. Have a bunch of this on hand, prep it during the day when you have time, set them out on the table 90 min before supper (or take with you if you're away from home at that time).

Each child picks up their dishes, and at least one serving dish, and brings it to the sink. Each child pushes their own chair in. If you have chores for putting napkins in the laundry, sweeping under the table, wiping the table, etc, now's the time to do them. Then desert, if you have desert.

No exceptions.

Do this routine until it bores you so horribly that you want to scream. Then do it some more. Your kids need the routine. Get your creative, artistic, nonconformist impulses out elsewhere.

Prep dinner as early in the day as you can, before fatigue sets in. If you husband is up to it, enlist him to do something consistently (bake/cook/fry, clean up, etc).

Have an emotion thermometer or emotion calendar somewhere where everyone can see it. Ask your kids to check in with themselves and see how they're feeling. Do this often. They should be learning to monitor how they feel so they can start to plan, rather than respond to needs as they sneak up on them.

Create relaxing smells in your home. Potpourri, or candles, or incense, or fresh flowers, whatever you can manage. Make your home a calm, relaxing retreat. Expect indoor voices and calm behavior. If you can't let them get their wiggles out outside, then make the kitchen or family room the quiet, relaxing haven. Don't let up on this. Ever. No jumping in the kitchen at supper time!

Find a secret hiding stash for your chocolate. Buy only enough for family treats at a time.

Better yet, teach them how to bake. Homemade brownies are so much tastier and healthier than anything you can buy prepackaged in the store. Plus it gives them a sense of accomplishment. It also puts food in a different perspective - it's not so fun to scarf down something that took effort to make.

poppy · February 17, 2015

I think the point is that you have some limits which are general rules rather than situational instructions.

We don't have a huge stash, either--you can eat everything that is in the house, but it just so happens that we're not buying chocolate, because that is really hard for people to moderate, you know?

And as for dessert--we used to do that. We used to talk about anything.

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I just... I just can't do it. LOL. Now you aren't allowed to ask about sugar. Sorry.

When you get married to your spouse you can ask HIM OR HER about dessert throughout the entire meal.

"Excuse me waiter, are you bringing a dessert menu? What about now? What about now? What about now? What about now? I ate another bite what about now? What about now? Now?"

We didn't get to these rules out of nowhere. I HATE this stupid rule. But it has enabled us to talk about things like, you know, "Hey babe how was your day?"

Without getting the answer, "Good are we having dessert?"

I get you are being lighthearted..... but the reaction of "If you are rude at the table, no dinner for you. If you mention dessert, no dessert for you" is on the really strict end. If it works for you , and your family is happy, great, truly. But I think most everyone lives somewhere between the extremes. And that's OK.

MomatHWTK · February 17, 2015

I think, that once identifying that one's children have certain issues, limitations or quirks, it is up to the parent to research and seek out the necessary help to assist the child in developing better habits. Being driven crazy by the behavior for 18 years and then being rid of the child is another option, but I'd look for solid parenting and theraputic solutions for my child.

In this instance, the child seems to have impulse control and instant gratification issues. I would work with on modest behavior modification until I saw progress. If my efforts did not succeed, I'd consult a professional. I don't think in this particular case, given the description of the behavior and history, that normal discipline and/or parental whining is going to get the desired results.

Catwoman · February 18, 2015

^{I don't understand why you can't just say "no" to your kids if they want something? None of that whole scenario would have happened at my house starting with the the first day. If a small child opened the chocolates, I'd simply remove them from her and still divvy them out. And I would put my bag away and tell them that it is off limits.}

Yes, and realistically, you should not have to hide things from your kids in order to keep it "safe."

If it's yours, you should tell the kids not to take it, and they should abide by that rule. If your children can't be trusted not to steal your stuff, that is a serious problem.

Catwoman · February 18, 2015

You do not notice my positive posts. You did not notice my thousands of posts in the year prior to my first negative post. And you only notice what you perceive to be negatives posts. But then you think I need counseling based on being 9 months pregnant and possessive of my food and ticked about it? Why would you not notice people's positive posts? Why do you only focus on the negative? Why can't you see the good and the bad in someone?

Elisabet, I think perhaps you don't even realize just how much stress you are under every day. There is so much going on in your life that I am amazed that you are able to keep your head above water. It may all seem normal to you because you live it every day, but many of us would find your life to be overwhelming and unmanageable, so that's why we worry about you.

You seem like a very sweet woman, but you also seem very overwhelmed right now, even by the little things, and we are all trying to come up with suggestions to try to help you. Please try not to be offended by anyone's posts, as I truly believe that everyone who has posted in this thread is trying to be supportive. (I also know that it hasn't always been the case in other threads, so I can understand why you may be feeling defensive.)

I do think people are remembering the positive threads and posts, but the negative ones have been about some very major issues, so the happy ones seem to pale a bit by comparison.

Catwoman · February 18, 2015

I've got the impression the angst has less to do with one event and more to do with a generally stressful environment. The OP has a high needs daughter with mental health challenges who challenges her patience and exceeds her ability to help. Her relationship with her parents (or siblings or something) is strained, and to make matters worse, now the two have teamed up (the daughter and grandparents). She's got a number of children (20yo ds with special needs struggling with college; 18 yo dd bipolar now teaming up with estranged birth parents; 13 yo with Asperger's; 10 yo who is impulsive, possibly LD, and apparently requires more attention; 5 yo with ASD; 3 yo), pregnant at 44, baby is imminent, and is redecorating the house. That's a lot of effort and concentration going into parenting, and it's going to increase by an exponent of Baby. Most parents with children with special needs have streamlined an enormously efficient, organized routine by this time, and bags of unwatched, accessible candy wouldn't be part of the equation, like, ever. My house is very disorganized, so I can commiserate to some extent, but not blaming the child for the parent's shortsightedness. I'm getting this from memory and from threads the OP has started, so take it with a grain of salt.

I agree, albeto. If people look at any one of the things you mentioned, it may not seem like a big deal, but when everything is all combined together in one place as you did in the post I quoted, it adds up overall to an incredibly stressful and difficult life. I would go so far as to say it is beyond stressful and into the category of overwhelming -- or at least it sure would be for me.

Tsuga · February 18, 2015

I get you are being lighthearted..... but the reaction of "If you are rude at the table, no dinner for you. If you mention dessert, no dessert for you" is on the really strict end. If it works for you , and your family is happy, great, truly. But I think most everyone lives somewhere between the extremes. And that's OK.

We used to gave a less strict approach but it ended in meltdowns every night. That is because the goal for the kids was not, "eat enough food to feel satisfied" but "see whether lunch boundaries apply at dinner." And they would test endlessly. It was not about food. Firm, absolute limits allow them to go beyond testing limits and engage in a relationship and give them the freedom to enjoy food without having to compulsively test every single limit. "Can I put food on the floor?"

Hornblower... No, they would not get hungry later. I'd they would, about 10% of my parenting could be discarded. My neighbor's daughter subsists entirely on a breakfast bar, lunch carbs, and a side of carbs at dinner. She is normal height/weight. It would be really cool if eating an apple at dinner did not fill up my kids.

We have fruit for dessert too. Bakes goods maybe 2x/month?

I am a huge believer in natural consequences. My kids are not believers in responding to natural consequences by adapting their behavior.

I know it sounds insane. If I'd have read myself 10 years ago, I would have thought, "You're obviously too controlling. If you would start out as I intend to start out, gently and using very simple logical consequences, your children would develop normally into self-regulating beings without control issues, boundary pushing behavior, and you wouldn't be dealing with this. You would find that the love developed during the attachment phase would create an environment in which children don't feel the need to challenge your every move."

I don't know what went wrong, actually. But somehow, in attempting to enforce basic boundaries about, you know, my right to sleep at night, eat three meals a day, and not have anyone hit me or throw things, we got to this endless list of specific rules with specific consequences.

I don't think it sounds like a good idea, either. It is just what I have developed to survive.

KungFuPanda · February 18, 2015

I know what to do!

1. Get your thyroid checked

2. Give up wheat

3. Tomato stake your kid

4. Hide your chocolate stash in the freezer in empty frozen veggie boxes/bags.

Lang Syne Boardie · February 18, 2015

I know what to do!

1. Get your thyroid checked

2. Give up wheat

3. Tomato stake your kid

4. Hide your chocolate stash in the freezer in empty frozen veggie boxes/bags.

This is last year's list. Where are the essential oils??

KungFuPanda · February 18, 2015

This is last year's list. Where are the essential oils??

It IS time for an update. What's this year's list? Essential oils, therapy, and a vaccination exemption?

The Well-Trained Mind Extended Guide

Is this age appropriate for a 10 yr old?

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