Do you require "Yes, ma'am" or "Yes, sir"?

[kubiac]

We're in California, and maybe I'm selectively filtering, but I feel like sirs and madams are virtually unheard of here. When I hear a kid do that in a video or on TV I'm always duly impressed, but it sounds very unusual to my ear.

[catz]

Good grief, no never.  I live in the upper midwest.  I have never heard a kid say that unless we were on a road trip in the deep south.  ETA - I have frequently have gotten complimented on my kids' behavoir over the years, but maybe we wouldn't in the south. 

[Mergath]

After I responded to this, dh got home from a trip to the parts store. He said the guy (maybe early 30's) asked if there was anything else he needed after he got the parts dh needed.  Dh said, "No sir", and he said the guy really snotty said to him, "You don't need to Sir me, I work for a living." Wuhhhh? He just laughed it off, but couldn't quite understand that response.

 

He was probably former military.  The enlisted folks are required to call the officers "Sir" and "Ma'am," and that's a common response to being incorrectly "sirred," the point being that officers don't really do any work. ;)  

[Dulce Domem]

I voted "other."  I require my children to say it to others because we live in the South and it is relatively expected, and I don't ever want them to come across as rude. 

 

However, we don't require them to say it to my husband or myself. They understand that sometimes it is appropriate to say "yes, ma'am or sir" like when we are having a serious talk, or they are in trouble, or it is an issue of authority, but for just general answers, "yes" or "no" or "ok" is fine. 

 

I had a mom who was a stickler and it just seemed so overbearing to me growing up.  It seemed artificial and controlling.  I am in the minority in my circle of friends though, and I frequently have other people tell my kids to say "yes ma'am" to me.  But I could care less most of the time. 

 

My kids (8,6,4, & 2) do seem to get the differences in when to use it.  The 8 & 6 year olds are very consistent in their use of it.  Our 4 year old just says "yes sir" to everything (he can't figure out when to use ma'am!). 

[MomtoCandJ]

Hmmm we don't require it from the girls but I'm sure they've heard me say "yes, Ma'am" while out and about. We live in Michigan but we did live in Georgia for 3 years, I worked as a gas station clerk and personal care aid so the yes ma'am, no sir thing was drilled into my thick Yankee skull :D

[KarenNC]

I've taught my daughter to use it, but was never rigid about it, so she does so inconsistently, especially as a teen. The adults in her life go by a variety of forms of address from "first name" to "Miss first name" to "Miss/Mrs last name," --default is to "Miss/Mrs. Last Name" until the adult's preference is determined. People in the area tend to be a mix of native Southerners and imports, so her models for standards of politeness vary as well.

 

I consistently use it, even with peers, adults younger than me, and with my husband, at times. If he says something to me I don't catch or calls my name in store to get my attention, for instance, my usual response will be, "Sir?" mostly to acknowledge that I heard it but don't know what is being requested. It's a much more polite form of communication to me than "huh?" or "what?" Of course I'm gray-haired lady with a pretty strong Southern accent and live in the South, so maybe folks will not be offended at attempts at politeness. ;)

 

 

 

 

[Mom23Boys]

I absolutely require it and in our area it is viewed as extremely rude to not use ma'am or sir. We also don't let our kids call adults by their first name. Well, I guess we would if someone requested it, but it has never been requested. We use Miss or Mr. first name. Adults also use ma'am/sir and Miss/Mr. when speaking to people older than them(significantly, not a year or two) or anyone in authority.

 

I can't imagine not doing it that way. I would respect requests not to, but again, it has never been requested.

 

I am in Lousiana. I was born here and have lived in the same 10 mile radius, other than 1 year in MS as a 5 year old, my whole life.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I still use it with my parents, grandparents, customer service reps, grocery store clerks, or any other adults. It's how adults in a professional setting address each other here.

 

My son was required to address me as m'am when he was growing up. I didn't think too much of it. My parents were pretty authoritarian southern parents and I guess I am too. I just felt it was consistent, since it is very much expected with other adults in public.

 

My son doesn't really "ma'am" me any more. He's really feeling his wild oats these days, but he'll settle down as he gets a little older. I did.

[gardenmom5]

I don't require it - and around here it is very rare.  I do know there are parts of the country where it is common.

[MooCow]

I absolutely require it and in our area it is viewed as extremely rude to not use ma'am or sir. We also don't let our kids call adults by their first name. Well, I guess we would if someone requested it, but it has never been requested. We use Miss or Mr. first name. Adults also use ma'am/sir and Miss/Mr. when speaking to people older than them(significantly, not a year or two) or anyone in authority.

 

This.

[Ewe Mama]

Other.

 

It is not a requirement in our home/lives, but Simon has started to become sullen and snarky when he is told that he needs to do something. Sometimes it is a command, but more often than not it is a request. If he gets huffy and snotty about it, I say, "You are a member of this family and you are my child. I am your mother and would like to be treated with courtesy and respect. We all have to do things we don't enjoy doing sometimes, but that doesn't negate the fact that those things must still be done promptly and with a good attitude." He knows the proper response to that lecture and the reiteration of the original command/request is a well-mannered, "Yes, ma'am."

[MomtoCandJ]

Oh and to add to my story, for the first 6 months that I worked at the gas station, my name tag had my first name and Yankee below it so people knew that I wasn't being rude but I that I was a Yankee and didn't know any better.

[MelAR05]

In our neck of the woods, it is a sign of respect so yes they say it. They are not required to say it to us though. I am glad to learn that in other parts of the country it is not expected and can even be disrespectful.

[abacus2]

No. We live in the south where it is common, but any polite behavior is acceptable.

[DawnM]

No.  I now live in the South, but my kids are California kids and in CA it was almost rude to say it!  So, they haven't quite adapted, although I will say that here there are so many transplants that no one bats and eye if you don't use it.

[SKL]

I don't mind being called ma'am, and I never felt it implied anything about my age (other than that I'm an adult).  I probably use ma'am and sir when I need to get the attention of someone whose name I don't know.  "Excuse me sir/ma'am, ..."  I don't recall anyone ever acting funny about being called that.  I consider it optional and I think it is odd that anyone would be offended by hearing it.  But it would be very unusual for me to see a kid saying it to his parent or teacher.  I only recall seeing that in very strict families, where it seems the kid is doing all he can to avoid another beating.

 

I do recall a lot of foreign students in grad school using "sir" for the teacher.  In fact, I had a friend who used "sir" like a noun, i.e., "let's go ask the sir."  She thought I was extremely disrespectful at first.  She almost died when she saw some college students using teachers' first names.  (And eating in class or walking in late - oh my.)

[Tsuga]

Lived on the West Coast most of my life but did spend some time on a military post with a lot of Southerners. I don't require it but I ask my children to respect it when it is required by others. I noticed that on post a lot of northerners would require "Yes, Ms." instead of "ma'am".

 

On the street, if I need to get someone's attention, I will use "miss" or "ma'am" or "sir". I think it's more polite than "hey lady" or "hey mister". But I wouldn't be offended either way.

[IsabelC]

 

On the street, if I need to get someone's attention, I will use "miss" or "ma'am" or "sir". I think it's more polite than "hey lady" or "hey mister". But I wouldn't be offended either way.

 

I don't think "hey" is a polite way to get somebody's attention anywhere! Here the most usual wording would be simply "excuse me...".

[IsabelC]

Btw how do you choose between ma'am and miss? Is there an age cut-off? Or do women graduate to ma'am by acquiring a partner and/or children?

[Tsuga]

Honestly, I went for ma'am when I was under 30 and now everybody's miss. That way if they have issues I can tell them my age cutoff thing and that it's not about them or how they look.

 

[Tanaqui]

It would sound as formal as "Yes your Majesty" or "No my Lord" might to you!

 

Okay. That's it. From now on, I'm making the kids call me "Your Majesty" or "My Lady". LOL!

 

Seriously, though, ma'am and sir do not get used that way where I am. The only use for them is when speaking to somebody you don't know, and then only in limited situations. You'd yell "Sir! SIR!" while chasing after somebody who'd just dropped their wallet on the ground, or say "Ma'am? Can I just squeeze by?" when trying to get around somebody camped out in the supermarket, but if you're not trying to get their attention you just... don't use any term of address at all, I guess. Obviously you're talking to them, or you wouldn't be looking at them while your mouth moves, so why call them anything?

[Forget-Me-Not]

Nope. That does not jive with the way I parent or run my home.

 

The only time I'd use sir or ma'am would be to attract the attention of a stranger in public. As in "excuse me sir, you dropped your wallet".

[Ausmumof3]

Only time I've heard ma'am used was

 

By a kid at school basically having a go at the teacher for being to strict.

By sales people desperate for attention.

 

If a kid says yes ma'am or yes sir in Aus they are probably stirring you up.

 

As a kid it was aunty or mrs but for my kids it's first name basis for almost everyone. Very few adults like mr or mrs now.

[Laura Corin]

No. Here that would sound sarcastic.

[Melissa in Australia]

no. Here Ma'am sounds so American.

[Laura Corin]

The only time I'd use sir or ma'am would be to attract the attention of a stranger in public. As in "excuse me sir, you dropped your wallet".

 

Here, I would say, 'Excuse me, you've dropped your wallet.'  No 'sir'.

 

L

[Lolly]

Other. We don't require it. Dh and I both do use the terms in our own speech habits with others. The kids have picked up on that and use the terms themselves in similar situations. The kids do not generally use them when speaking to us, but do in some instances. The thing that gets me is when the 16 yo kid at the drive through calls me sweetheart and/or darlin'. I have actually informed them that I am not their sweetheart...No. Just no. So, yeah, I guess I think there is a time for Ma'am and Sir. Kids need something to use when speaking to someone who is far older than they are and they don't know their names. Ma'am is a much better choice than sweetheart or honey... And, no, it doesn't bother me when the gray haired older lady or gentleman calls me sweetheart when they take my order.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Never, although DD uses it to be "smart" towards me occasionally.  

 

When we lived down South we heard it a lot.  It was just 2nd nature for the HS'ed kids we knew to call adults ma'am and sir.  I was also called Miss Britt 99% of the time, even by other adults about 1/2 the time.  I got in the habit of it too.  We moved back North and it took awhile to stop.

 

*actually I guess we do use ma'am and sir in public but it's second nature so I don't notice it much.

[mom31257]

No. Dh wasn't raised saying it, and neither was I. We've raised our kids in 3 southern states, 2 of which are deeper south than I was raised. I wondered if we should, but I didn't think we'd be consistent without it being a natural thing for us. 

 

I also don't think there is much point to it when I see parents reminding 10 year-olds to say it. If you haven't taught it in 10 years, I think it's a losing battle. 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

No, I don't require it. It's not part of my culture. Everybody I know ( except the kids ) calls me by my first name, whether they are 3 or 83. Kids call me mum or variation. Normal courtesy rules apply - please and thanks - whether you are under or over 18.

 

I prefer people of all ages to use my name if they know it.

 

I once had a friend who told her kid to call me Miss Wendy.  I really did not like that.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'll go out on a limb and assume that in areas where it is used regularly it is not necessarily a sign of any sort of respect.  It's just part of the language.  The people aren't necessarily more respectful than elsewhere.  I know I told this story before, but I used to work for an answering service and would often get crank calls.  One crank call in particular this guy had a very southern accent.  He mixed his lewd comments with "ma'am".  I nearly died laughing.  So was he being a respectful perv?  No he probably just says ma'am so often it means nearly nothing to him anymore. 

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, I live in Texas.  It isn't so common anymore, I don't think. 

 

My kids say it when given a direction or in correction.  They also do it with strangers unless asked not to.  

 

So my hubby and I had to work on this one.  I came from a family who did not do this (guessing because my father was raised in Ohio?).  So growing up, we didn't do it but rarely. Being in Texas, there were SOME times that came up. There were certain adults who wanted it.  And I discerned, in time, there were certain times to do it (being asked direct questions, given directions formally, etc).  My hubby, however, came from one of those families who use the snotty, "Yes, what?" when kids answered with just yes.  I SOOOOO didn't want to be THOSE people.  

 

With our first two kids, they sort of just figured it out and we'd coach with certain people.  No biggie.  When we started TaeKwonDo, they started it a lot more and I liked it.  Hubby *really* liked it.  So we started encouraging it a bit more with a gentler, "yes sir?" But my kids were so much older that we didn't feel the need to push it.  

 

With our new kids (the 40some who have come through our home in the last 4 years including those we're adopting and going to adopt), we do a LOT more with it.  The gentle, "yes sir?" at the end of something, the (almost) requiring it for direction or correction.

 

Now, years ago, on this board, I suggested people have a set answer for some little kids and even practice it.  So this isn't a new idea for me.  It just changed some.  Now I had several much more challenging kids (***) who it was just wise to give an answer to to curtail whining, arguing, fussing, backtalk, etc.  They learn, later, how to broach topics respectfully, but at first, they need to learn to comply respectfully, answer when spoken to, etc.  A pat answer is many times more comfortable.  We actually have SEVERAL pat answers we use for different things so kids learn them pretty quickly (our new adoptive little girl has been transitioning for a bit under a month and she is just plain adorable using a certain one of them!). 

 

Anyway, this is kinda long, I know.  It just basically says how we've changed over the last 40 years :)

 

***Note: funny about challenging.  Our new little adoptive kiddo is considered challenging.  She has diagnoses and is "level'd up" which means her needs are greater than most, etc.  *We* think she is EASY!   My friend says that is because we've had some "doozies."  LOL

[marbel]

I'm curious about this:  so many of you say it's rude to say "sir" or "ma'am" where you live.  I believe you.  But how is that expressed?   Do people tell strangers who use sir and ma'am that it's rude?  

 

I've only lived in 4 places in the US, and am not extremely well-traveled.  I've never lived in the South, though I travel there a lot (in-laws live there).  But anyway, I have probably used those terms all my life, in various ways, and have never gotten the idea that it's rude.  No one has ever told me it's rude, and no one has ever reacted to me saying it in a way that would indicate they were offended. 

 

I guess I don't get being offended by such an innocuous term, even if it is not my preference.  I guess hearing "ma'am" rather than "miss" the first few times was jarring, and maybe hurt my pride a little bit, but, really, what difference does it make, especially if the person addressing me is a stranger?

 

Just baffled, not arguing with anyone.

 

ETA: I'm not talking about kids calling their own parents "sir" or "ma'am." 

[wintermom]

"Yes, sir!" and "Yes, ma'am!" are required at our martial arts studio for people of all ages when addressing instructors for sure. It's takes training to remember to do this, as they're not common responses anywhere else in our region. 

 

"Yes, mom" and "Yes, dad" are encouraged in our house, or simply a polite "yes, please" or "no, thank you."

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm curious about this:  so many of you say it's rude where you live.  I believe you.  But how is that expressed?   Do people tell strangers who use sir and ma'am that it's rude?  

 

 

No.  People just don't talk like that around here. 

 

If they do it's usually to purposefully be condescending.  But if someone seemed genuine and I had to see them again I'd ask them to call me by my first name. 

[Laura Corin]

I'm curious about this:  so many of you say it's rude where you live.  I believe you.  But how is that expressed?   Do people tell strangers who use sir and ma'am that it's rude?  

 

 

In the UK, because it is not used outside of a military context, there's an assumption that the person is taking the micky*.  I've seen people do a not-exactly-pleased double take when Husband has used it (he's from Texas originally, and the Sir/Ma'ams pop out occasionally).  Nothing was said but there was definitely a moment of is-he-taking-the-micky-no-I-think-he's-American.

 

* making fun of someone.

 

L

[wintermom]

In the UK, because it is not used outside of a military context, there's an assumption that the person is taking the micky.  I've seen people do a not-exactly-pleased double take when Husband has used it (he's from Texas originally, and the Sir/Ma'ams pop out occasionally).  Nothing was said but there was definitely a moment of is-he-taking-the-micky-no-I-think-he's-American.

 

L

 

Just to be clear, does "taking the micky" mean they think he's been drinking? Or am I way off base. I've never heard that expression despite hours and hours of watching British TV!  :laugh:

[....]

I'm curious about this:  so many of you say it's rude where you live.  I believe you.  But how is that expressed?   Do people tell strangers who use sir and ma'am that it's rude?  

 

 

We're originally from Chicago and it would be weird/rude there.  It has almost like a sarcastic-customer-service connotation to it.  You can use it as a way to show the person is being annoying/demanding.  Just my experience.  *shrug*

 

We live in Texas now and the "ma'am/sir" thing is EVERYWHERE.  I don't require my kids to say it unless we're somewhere where it's expected.  I wouldn't want kids to say that to ME personally.  It makes me feel very uncomfortable (sorry-just being honest!).  Like everyone says, I guess it's a regional thing.    

[Laura Corin]

Just to be clear, does "taking the micky" mean they think he's been drinking? Or am I way off base. I've never heard that expression despite hours and hours of watching British TV!  :laugh:

 

Sorry: it means to make fun of someone.

 

ETA: it's the polite version of 'taking the p!ss', which has the same meaning.

 

L

[J-rap]

No, it would sound really funny here.  I grew up in California, and if I ever heard those terms on TV, I think I assumed they were just exaggerating an old custom for Hollywood!  Now I live in the upper Midwest, and it is not used at all here either.  The only people in town who use this is the one family from Mississippi.  :)

 

I don't mind if others use it.

 

For the record, we didn't raise our children to address adults as Mr. and Mrs. either (unless the adults requested it, of course).  This got our son into a little trouble when he first began taking classes at the high school.  He would say, "Hello, Bob!" to the principal and "Mike, can you please help me with this?" to his teacher.  He was always very polite though, and switched over to Mr. and Mrs. at the school after they talked to him about it.

 

 

[wintermom]

Sorry: it means to make fun of someone.

 

L

 

Thanks!

[SparklyUnicorn]

No we don' indicate that you are wrong,we just assume you are a Yankee.  But we require it from our own kids..  And since everyone I know uses it, you will feel funny if you do not after awhile..

 

Did you know that pretty much the only people who use the term Yankee are from certain places in the south? 

 

And given that fact I think it has taken on a negative connotation.  Like "oh just a [stupid] Yankee".

 

I've never in my life heard the term used by anyone around here unless one is talking about being a fan of the baseball team.

 

It would be like me calling you a redneck.

[Amira]

Btw how do you choose between ma'am and miss? Is there an age cut-off? Or do women graduate to ma'am by acquiring a partner and/or children?

 

I always wonder this too, and I wonder it everywhere I've lived.

 

I seem to be señora here in Mexico if I'm with dh and/or children and it switches between señora and señorita if I'm not.  I never graduated from devochka in Kyrgyzstan, but I was rarely out with my family.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I always wonder this too, and I wonder it everywhere I've lived.

 

I seem to be señora here in Mexico if I'm with dh and/or children and it switches between señora and señorita if I'm not.  I never graduated from devochka in Kyrgyzstan, but I was rarely out with my family.

 

Along these lines, I always wonder why women have titles that denote their marital status, but men don't.  I know we have "Ms", but I don't encounter that often.

[Dmmetler]

I use it fairly commonly, and just as often to children as adults. I don't expect DD to do it as long as she's polite, which usually means "when she doesn't know someone's name". I also do the Ms/Mr/Title Firstname thing when talking about adults to DD, largely to differentiate, for example, that I'm talking about Mr Chris, who is the coordinator for her herp Ed group, not Dr. Kris, who is the coordinator of the SSAR pre-bac programs. Both adults told DD to "Call me Chris/Kris" when they met.

[Amira]

Along these lines, I always wonder why women have titles that denote their marital status, but men don't.  I know we have "Ms", but I don't encounter that often.

 

 

No kidding!  That's another reason why I like "Excuse me" best of all.  No baggage (except, of course, if your tone is nasty).

[SparklyUnicorn]

No kidding!  That's another reason why I like "Excuse me" best of all.  No baggage (except, of course, if your tone is nasty).

 

When I worked in a nursing home we had one resident who was never married.  Older people tend to like/expect the formal stuff.  But of course people assumed she was a Mrs. and called her Mrs. and she would get very angry about it.  It would be so much easier if we just had one damn term because who cares if I know a woman is married or not.

[marbel]

No we don' indicate that you are wrong,we just assume you are a Yankee.  But we require it from our own kids..  And since everyone I know uses it, you will feel funny if you do not after awhile..

 

Whoops.  I should have said "many of you say it's rude to say sir/ma'am where you live."

 

But I am a Yankee and I do say sir and ma'am, sometimes.  :001_smile:   And never sarcastically. 

 

Maybe it's in the tone.  If, say, a man (young or old) helps me at the store, I may say "thank you, sir!" in what I hope is a friendly way.  I haven't detected any odd looks. 

 

[Dmmetler]

Btw how do you choose between ma'am and miss? Is there an age cut-off? Or do women graduate to ma'am by acquiring a partner and/or children?

In my part of the South, It's kind of truncated and slurred, so you hear a lot of Yes'm /Yessir and "Missus" for women, regardless of marital status or age. It kind of seems like something out of Huck Finn. I've never heard the really crisp, clear Ma'am/Sir or the strong distinction outside of Martial arts classes or military personnel. DD and a lot of her friends use sort of a British "Mam", which I blame on Doctor Who.

[KungFuPanda]

I use it for strangers because I grew up in the south and was in the military. My kids do not use it because it would be socially awkward to do so here. If they said it 'up here,' it would be obviously coming from parents who want to make a point about manners but who don't really understand cultural assimilation. It could also be a signal that we are just passing through and it would be impractical for our kids to blend with a society that we plan to leave in a year.