jen3kids Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I am seeing red with this boy right now. I am so disappointed in him. He was giving me some money out of his wallet (money I had given him to take his brother and sister out for lunch, if they chose to go) and noticed he had a $50. I asked where he got it from. Short story - he found a wallet in the street with $120 in it. He took the cash out and threw the wallet back. Why didn't he bring it home and try to find the owner? His rationale... He assumes the owner is an illegal Mexican guy because the only id in the wallet was a Mexican id of some kind. And since, 'they' aren't supposed to be here, it's ok for him to keep the money! What? I explained that even if the owner is here illegally (which is completely irrelevant!), that money is not his and he stole it. I am so angry. I am planning on making him donate the money to a charity. My son...I am so worried about the decisions he makes. I am in tears. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 (Hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tangerine Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Oh, my. That poor guy might not have been able to get back home without his ID either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Ugh momma, I'd be livid and sad too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I would be livid as well. Once I calmed down there would be quite the lecture and life lesson involved. At least you found out about it and have the opportunity to help get him back on the right path. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 I would be livid as well. Once I calmed down there would be quite the lecture and life lesson involved. At least you found out about it and have the opportunity to help get him back on the right path. How? He seems so bigoted right now, and he never used to be. He used to be a very right/wrong person, but now it seems to have morphed into "Whatever is best for me is the right choice." None of his friends are like this. They would haul him over the coals for what he did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 He didn't know who the wallet belonged to, so he can't say it belonged to an illegal alien. Where I live there is a portion of the population who are citizens or legal residents who have names similar to those of stereotypes of illegal aliens. So, even if he looked at the id he could be wrong. So, if his story is what he says it is your son could just be stealing from someone simply who has a name he doesn't like. That's just bleah by itself. However, I'd be on the watch for how much money he has, what he seems to be able to afford to do, etc. He could have told you a story about where the money came from just to throw you off of where the money was really acquired. Seeing extra money would make me watchful for a long time. I'm sorry. It's just an awful thing to have to figure out and deal with. I hope you are able to feel satisfied with how you deal with your ds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 How does your DH feel about the situation? I think I'd up the quality time they spend together considerably. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 He didn't know who the wallet belonged to, so he can't say it belonged to an illegal alien. Where I live there is a portion of the population who are citizens or legal residents who have names similar to those of stereotypes of illegal aliens. So, even if he looked at the id he could be wrong. So, if his story is what he says it is your son could just be stealing from someone simply who has a name he doesn't like. That's just bleah by itself. However, I'd be on the watch for how much money he has, what he seems to be able to afford to do, etc. He could have told you a story about where the money came from just to throw you off of where the money was really acquired. Seeing extra money would make me watchful for a long time. I'm sorry. It's just an awful thing to have to figure out and deal with. I hope you are able to feel satisfied with how you deal with your ds. Yes, this has crossed my mind. Drugs is what I thought of, unfortunately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 How does your DH feel about the situation? I think I'd up the quality time they spend together considerably. He's is as livid as I am. Unfortunately, they do not get along very well. Dh has less tolerance for ds' attitude/behaviours than I do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Honestly, I'd be wondering about the story and keeping a closer eye on him if you can. If he found money and felt it was Ok to keep why didn't he tell you? The fact that he didn't mention it makes me think either in his heart of hearts he was uncomfortable about it or there is more to the story. I also agree with more dad time if at all possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I would also be very troubled at the lack of compassion. The legal immigration status of someone doesn't strip them of rights like maintaining control over their money. I would really try to address the discriminatory feelings he has. Is there a place he can volunteer, while closely supervised? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: I'd be mad too. So sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I'm sorry. I would be upset, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I think the story is a little fishy. I would investigate further. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 :grouphug: It is difficult for us when our kids make disappointing decisions. If you are homeschooling him (or even if you are not) you could look for some character building program and conduct a refresher course. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I would expect my son to earn money (and I would not make the jobs nice ones) to replace the entire $120. I would have him show you where the wallet was. If the wallet is still there then the money and wallet need to be turned into the police. I would not allow him to be unsupervised on the streets. I would have him spend more time with his dad who needs to show him what to do as a young man, not just get on his case for what not to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 How? He seems so bigoted right now, and he never used to be. He used to be a very right/wrong person, but now it seems to have morphed into "Whatever is best for me is the right choice." None of his friends are like this. They would haul him over the coals for what he did. I am going to assume that you and your dh are not bigots and your son did not grow up with you modeling that kind of behavior. Which leads me to think this is an idea your son is trying on as he figures out who he is because it is an extreme opposite to how your family operates. The initial lecture would entail human decency, not being a selfish jerk, and doing the right thing. I would then insist on his watching a documentary on illegal immigration. Search for 30 days immigration. It wouldn't let me link it. If I suspected the story was bull to cover up drug money I would be keeping a sharp eye on him and his activities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Joining in on the "I would be livid" bandwagon, and adding: So the wallet had a Mexican ID. Maybe the guy was here on a legal paid-for vacation? Getting medical care (paid for in cash???) for himeself or a family member? Visiting a sick relative or newborn grandchild? A legal student paying triple out-of-coutry rates for college? There are countless reasons someone with a foreign ID could be here legally, too. :cursing: And :grouphug: to Mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Yes, this has crossed my mind. Drugs is what I thought of, unfortunately. This was my first thought. :( His story doesn't really make sense. When things don't make sense, it tends to be because it isn't true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Sometimes kids disappoint. I am sure you can use this as an opportunity to make him face his own selfishness, prejudice and greed,. And also, remind him that when someone steals from you, they take your bad luck with them. That is what my Japanese friend told me when my wallet was stolen - I am not sure if that is a common superstition or not. But I had experienced a little bad luck, and my luck did turn, so that is my rule! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Sounds like a made up story that you conveniently can't check. Thing is, if he found an EMPTY wallet, it would've been nice to try to find the owner so the guy doesn't lose his I.D. As Pope Francis would say, "Who am I to judge?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherGoose Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 He's is as livid as I am. Unfortunately, they do not get along very well. Dh has less tolerance for ds' attitude/behaviours than I do. So neither of you are bigoted against illegals/Hispanics? I'd try to explore where he got those ideas then. I also think that approaching the issue with a child his age as "This is what I believe so you have to believe it too," and not hearing him at all will backfire. Not to get into politics here, but I remember when I was a teenager I decided that I no longer agreed with my parents' political views on anything. In fact, I was as opposite as I could be out of teenage rebellion. The whole thing became a big argument. I think that if my parents could have talked to me about it calmly, I might have been able to hear what they had to say and make better decisions. Now I agree with them entirely after maturing some. Perhaps your son is rebelling against your non-bigoted ways. Not that there's a reason to be a bigot, but I would try, when you've all cooled off, to figure out where these ideas came from. If it's the friends, I would not just attack them as "not people we want you to hang out with." Do more listening than talking. Ask questions more than you lecture. And I'd explore the idea of basic human kindness to all people. If it was an illegal immigrant issue, he could have turned it into the police, and not tried to contact the person. 17 year olds are impulsive, and broke. I'd try to have some grace with him as much as I could. I am saying this all very gently, and having been around a lot of bigots in my life, and having made some inrroads in converting some, as to what has worked sometimes with people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 As shared, I'd be heartbroken and livid. But I don't think it is the truth, and so I'd be worried. And then worried more that THAT was the story he used to cover up the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherGoose Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Yes, this has crossed my mind. Drugs is what I thought of, unfortunately. I would look out for this too. Unexplained money, unexplained absences, strange behavior, etc. Hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Assuming he is telling you the truth, I think you should go with him to the place where he says he discarded the wallet so you can try to get it back to its owner. I would think that if he was making up the story, he would have said there was no ID in the wallet at all, or that he had found an envelope with money in it. If he knows you and your dh aren't anti-Mexican, why would he make up a big story that he knew would upset you? Honestly, though, I don't know what to think. I would be very upset and concerned about it, though. I hope you are able to get to the bottom of this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MollyAnn Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 When did he find the wallet? Is it possible to have him take you to where he left it and see if it can be recovered? Then make him try and return the money? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 :grouphug: It is difficult for us when our kids make disappointing decisions. If you are homeschooling him (or even if you are not) you could look for some character building program and conduct a refresher course. :) Being the mom of one, I don't think a character building program would be effective or appropriate for a seventeen year old boy/man. Now, if you're talking about something like an Outward Bound experience, that's a different story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 He and I drove to where he found the wallet... in the middle of the road, on a semi-quiet street, on his way home from work at 9:30pm one night last week. He said no one was on the road, so he stopped, picked up the wallet, opened it and saw the cash and the 2 Mexican ids (one 18 year old guy and a 30-something woman). So he took the money and dropped the wallet where he found it. We had just learned his insurance was going to be a lot more than we anticipated and he saw this money as a way to help pay it. I told him he could have brought the wallet home and we could have given it to our neighbor, a State Trooper, who would have known what to do with it. And, if the owners couldn't be found, he probably would have been given the money, no question. I also told him I understood why he took it - he needed money and here it was! But, it was wrong to take it. He was somewhat quieter about it, but he was not quiet when I told him that the money was going to a charity. Now he's furious, but I can handle that. I don't know what else to do, but I will exploring his issue with illegal immigrants. Now, is he telling the truth? I think/hope so. He hasn't given me any reason to suspect him of drug use. He has a job that gives him 12-15 hours a week, plus pretty good tips. He hangs out with good kids, as far as I know, but I guess they could all be putting on a show, right? Maybe I'm naive (I know my co-worker's husband thinks all teens lie, all the time), but I prefer to think the best of my kids until they show me otherwise. I know where he is 99% of the time. He has good grades (except math, but that's been an on-going battle) and he's looking forward to wrestling season beginning next week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 Being the mom of one, I don't think a character building program would be effective or appropriate for a seventeen year old boy/man. Now, if you're talking about something like an Outward Bound experience, that's a different story. So true. He'd scoff at that. And, he has no idea what he wants to do next year. I'd love to find him some international charity work he could do for a gap year prior to going to college/university. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Was he walking down the road or driving? I can't imagine seeing a wallet on a dark street while driving, much less pulling over to get out and investigate it. But you mention his insurance going up so that makes me think he drives home from work? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 Was he walking down the road or driving? I can't imagine seeing a wallet on a dark street while driving, much less pulling over to get out and investigate it. But you mention his insurance going up so that makes me think he drives home from work? Yes, he was driving home from work and it was on the yellow line, which is why he saw it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 Yes, he was driving home from work and it was on the yellow line, which is why he saw it. After writing that, I'm skeptical. I don't know that I'd notice a wallet even if it was on the yellow line. It's not impossible, but a wallet is pretty small to be noticed....... I hate not believing/trusting my kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 While I think it's a fishy story I was also once 17. I don't think it means he's a conscienceless, horrid human being. I think he's a 17 yo with poor decision making skills ( see my life from 15-23). You calling him on it is more important than a " program" which I know I would have rebelled against, all guns blazing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I'd be a little (ok, very) doubtful of the story, but there's not much more you can do than to watch him more closely and try to mentor him more while you can. I'm sorry this is happening. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 I'd be a little (ok, very) doubtful of the story, but there's not much more you can do than to watch him more closely and try to mentor him more while you can. I'm sorry this is happening. :( Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelli Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 That story sounds totally bogus, and I say this as a teenager who was unfortunately VERY good at coming up with plausible lies to get out of trouble on a regular basis. Seeing a wallet lying on a street at 9:30 at night while driving home from work probably listening to music in the car is highly improbable. It's even more improbable that you would recognize it was a wallet (most likely it would just look like something small in the road) and stop to get it. I would be suspicious and keep my eye out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's so very hard to see our (almost) adult kids make choices like that. Had he offered to pay more of the car insurance, suddenly? Before you asked about the $50? That would lend credence to the story. Without that, I'd be suspicious, too. Unfortunately, DH and I have been around the block a bit with a teen who made some bad choices, and I wish we'd caught on sooner. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had more ideas for you, but sending you lots of empathy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's so very hard to see our (almost) adult kids make choices like that. Had he offered to pay more of the car insurance, suddenly? Before you asked about the $50? That would lend credence to the story. Without that, I'd be suspicious, too. Unfortunately, DH and I have been around the block a bit with a teen who made some bad choices, and I wish we'd caught on sooner. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had more ideas for you, but sending you lots of empathy. Yes. Where did the $70 go? Are they missing $50 or more at his work? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MicheleinMN Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 After writing that, I'm skeptical. I don't know that I'd notice a wallet even if it was on the yellow line. It's not impossible, but a wallet is pretty small to be noticed....... I hate not believing/trusting my kid. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: There in is the rub. Wanting to believe them even if they did something wrong, but still wondering if they are even telling you the truth. :cursing: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Can I respectfully ask if there's another adult in his life whose values you would trust AND that he gets along with. It could very well not be a relative. At 17 many teens try many new things from rebellion to drugs/alcohol to different clothing and other life choices (hair, piercings, words, etc). I believe they tend to be naturally wired toward becoming themselves, but are still figuring it all out. They are rarely sure about sharing it all with their parents (some do - see my sig for better chances of this), but they do appreciate other adults to bounce things off of. Those adults have the opportunities to be mentors in a very major way. They may not be able to work miracles, but I swear, sometimes even that can happen. If there is such a person in your lives, I suggest that somehow more time with this person get worked into the schedule. It doesn't need to be long periods of time or even "alone" time. It just needs to be some time that they can spend together getting to know one another - little pieces work at first when building trust. At school I see this happening often. I've even been put into that inside circle by some of the kids (some don't get along with others well and others do). It's a special place and VERY rewarding when you see those kids start making some better choices. Hubby and I saw to it that our guys all had such people in their lives and we're eternally grateful for their help. Parents are very important, but there's just "that time" in some (many?) teens lives where they do so well with some outside (good) influence. It's just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted November 5, 2014 Author Share Posted November 5, 2014 I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's so very hard to see our (almost) adult kids make choices like that. Had he offered to pay more of the car insurance, suddenly? Before you asked about the $50? That would lend credence to the story. Without that, I'd be suspicious, too. Unfortunately, DH and I have been around the block a bit with a teen who made some bad choices, and I wish we'd caught on sooner. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had more ideas for you, but sending you lots of empathy. I only saw $50 in his wallet. He told me he found a wallet with $120, and it was great timing because of what we thought our insurance bill was going to be. He has always known that he has to pay his share of car insurance and we thought he had planned for it, but the bill we got was a lot higher than we expected. Yes. Where did the $70 go? Are they missing $50 or more at his work? I only saw $50 in his wallet. He told me he found a wallet with $120, and it was great timing because of what we thought our insurance bill was going to be. He has always known that he has to pay his share of car insurance and we thought he had planned for it, but the bill we got was a lot higher than we expected. He isn't stealing from his work. I'm 100% sure of that. Hmm two IDs in one wallet? As for drugs, if he was going to spend it on drugs, I would guess he'd already have spent it. If he's dealing drugs, well, I suppose that would make more sense to me. Not saying either of those things are going on, just some of my thoughts. I was one of the "good kids" and the majority of my friends smoked pot and drank alcohol. I wasn't personally doing it, but I had easy access if I ever wanted to. I don't think there's much you can do but just be alert. He thought the 2 ids in the wallet was suspicious, and that they were stolen. I have no idea why he thought that. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: There in is the rub. Wanting to believe them even if they did something wrong, but still wondering if they are even telling you the truth. :cursing: No kidding. It sucks. Can I respectfully ask if there's another adult in his life whose values you would trust AND that he gets along with. It could very well not be a relative. At 17 many teens try many new things from rebellion to drugs/alcohol to different clothing and other life choices (hair, piercings, words, etc). I believe they tend to be naturally wired toward becoming themselves, but are still figuring it all out. They are rarely sure about sharing it all with their parents (some do - see my sig for better chances of this), but they do appreciate other adults to bounce things off of. Those adults have the opportunities to be mentors in a very major way. They may not be able to work miracles, but I swear, sometimes even that can happen. If there is such a person in your lives, I suggest that somehow more time with this person get worked into the schedule. It doesn't need to be long periods of time or even "alone" time. It just needs to be some time that they can spend together getting to know one another - little pieces work at first when building trust. At school I see this happening often. I've even been put into that inside circle by some of the kids (some don't get along with others well and others do). It's a special place and VERY rewarding when you see those kids start making some better choices. Hubby and I saw to it that our guys all had such people in their lives and we're eternally grateful for their help. Parents are very important, but there's just "that time" in some (many?) teens lives where they do so well with some outside (good) influence. It's just a thought. Yes, we have a couple people like that. He sees them once a week or so. The one guy rides him really hard, but ds responds well to that kind of rough, joking-but-serious, talk. The other guy is a lot like dh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I still don't understand where the other $70 went. Have you asked him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted November 5, 2014 Author Share Posted November 5, 2014 I still don't understand where the other $70 went. Have you asked him? It didn't go anywhere. I have the $120 that he found in the wallet. He gave it to me (reluctantly) when I told him he couldn't keep it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I am sorry to say this, but I would take this money to the police station. It was stolen and someone has to be looking for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I think his story is suspicious. Seems made up. I'd keep a close eye on his spending, his cash, and, sadly, I'd start keeping track of my own cash, too, as I am notoriously lax about cash, and I'd have to make a big effort to know if cash was disappearing. But, in this case, I'd be suspicious enough to start counting, and I'd set up some traps, too, to find out sooner rather than later. I'd also make sure my kid had ways to earn money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 That story sounds totally bogus, and I say this as a teenager who was unfortunately VERY good at coming up with plausible lies to get out of trouble on a regular basis. Seeing a wallet lying on a street at 9:30 at night while driving home from work probably listening to music in the car is highly improbable. It's even more improbable that you would recognize it was a wallet (most likely it would just look like something small in the road) and stop to get it. I would be suspicious and keep my eye out. I am one who questioned the story but my dh would totally see something like this. He has this uncanny ability to see details that anyone else would miss. The other concern would be if the wallet found did have dodgy ids that he'd found a wallet that had belonged to a drug dealer and I would find that a little scary too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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