s/o asking the bride's father

[LostSurprise]

No, but we went together and he announced it to my parents. I remember a lot of rambling and asking both of them for their best advice and congratulations. 

 

It was kind of awkward. There was some tension between dh and my parents, especially my dad. My parents were just getting back together after a long separation. My father wasn't there during the dating stage and it irked him, I think. He never said anything, but it was fairly obvious. He apologized later, after we had children and he knew dh better. 

 

 

 

I see a lot of suppositions about asking the father in this thread. Traditions change. People make them what they want them to be. 

[Dana]

Neither one of us proposed exactly. It was more like a mutual discussion. We are just practical like that I guess.

We had quite the mutual discussion...and then when we we on a walk to set out how we were going to tell his parents, he did get on one knee and proposed....unfortunately, all I remember was him prefacing it by, "Will you shut up? I'm trying to propose!" :D

Twenty years later and he hasn't lived that down.

 

If he'd asked my parents permission, he wouldn't be the man I wanted to be with.

[MyLittleWonders]

My dh did, which I thought was sweet. Not that he wouldn't have proposed if my dad said no. But my dad was rather intimidating and he wanted to be on good terms. ;) It wasn't so much that he was looking for permission rather than discussing his intentions and seeking my dad's blessing. They went out for lunch and dh had to choke down a beer. (I was already working and had my own apartment; my parents were divorced but I was close to both of them; dh's proposal was formal, on one knee, and everyone else knew before I did as he proposed the night he graduated from college and passed the ring around the table at breakfast with both families.) I would like it if my sons were to do something similar - talk with their future wives' fathers.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Personally, I think it's an insult to ask someone else permission to marry someone. That's a decision for the 2 adults getting married. If she isn't mature enough and have say of her own life enough to decide who to marry, she has no business getting married.

:iagree: :iagree: I wish I could like this post more than once.

 

Dh had asked me to marry him after we had been dating a short time.  I said my answer isn't no, but I can't say yes.  I really felt we needed to get to know each other.  He asked me in a rather unromantic way - it was too late for him to drive home on New Years' Eve so my parents had arranged for him to stay at their house.  I had been living on my own for several years and had only recently moved back home to save money and to help my mom with a health problem.  We were standing in the kitchen saying our good nights when he said, "What do you say we get married?"  This was after the Christmas present of a locket in front of my family expecting me to get a ring :lol: .  The kicker was he didn't have the ring on him.  He had been carrying it around with him trying to find the right time and that night he forgot to bring it.  He did ask me if he should have asked my dad or something and I said "That would be weird.  You aren't marrying my dad!"  A week later, I did have the ring and we announced it to my parents. 

 

ETA:  we had been talking about a future together for some time.  We had been looking at houses together - the plan at the time was he was going to buy a house, but wanted my opinion.  My sister was living at home at the same time I was and she and I were able to share clothes.  I guess I had made up a guest list for our wedding in my "girly daydreams" and stuffed it in the pocket of a suit that I was wearing that day.  She borrowed that suit and found my list and told my mom and my sister.  They had a big laugh telling me about it after we were officially engaged.  My dad's reaction was priceless.  It's not like this was unexpected.  My younger sister was getting married in 4 months.  We were planning on getting married in 7-8 months.  My dad sat down, put his head in his hands and said "Well, Peg, I guess I am not retiring this year after all."  Mom told him to shut up and drink his champagne.  I had wanted a smaller wedding but Dad wouldn't hear of it.  He wanted a big hurrah for his last kid getting married. 

[livetoread]

I asked my dh and he said yes, and then he asked me and I said yes! It was very romantic. I knew he was planning on asking me (I could just tell) so I figured I'd beat him to it. I had my own apartment but I planned a special meal at my folks' house, complete with china and silver in front of their fireplace. (I shooed my folks out and told them not to come back for a few hours lol). I sent him a special invitation and we both dressed up. It was awesome. We went ring shopping together the next day.

 

I think my Dad would have enjoyed being asked but he also would have been so shocked he would probably have fainted. Both my dh and I are pretty feminist and my Dad knew it.

[PeacefulChaos]

Hmm... I certainly wouldn't find it offensive if one day Pink's significant other came to us with the desire for us to give our blessing to them getting married.  

 

I wouldn't find it offensive if he didn't, either.  I just think it's interesting that people still see it as 'giving permission'.  From what I've experienced in my family and friends, when people do this it's 1. Not like the girl didn't know or like the couple hadn't already been talking about marriage.  2. Not like it was a 'can I marry ____' - it was a 'I'd like to marry ___, do we have your blessing?' Oftentimes it involves both halves of the couple - 'We'd like to get married.  Do we have your blessing?'  Much talk may entail - this is similar to what DH and I did, actually - about whether it's the right time, etc.  But in the end, the concept is the same - getting the blessing of both sets of parents.

 

I know that it sounds really old fashioned, and like I said, I don't have really strong feelings either way.  But I just wanted to throw that out there for those who seem to find the concept really offensive.  I know a lot of people for whom this would be the norm.  Regardless of how old you are, unless you have a really bad relationship with your parents to begin with, it's nice to have their blessing to get married.  And I'm not saying that if they say no, they don't like your choice, you should change your mind.  Idk.  Like I said, DH and I talked to my grandparents after we got engaged.  They didn't approve, we still went ahead with it.  They came on board over the course of the next 6 months.  Some parents don't.  That's their loss.  But they should still have the chance, kwim?

[Dory]

Dh talked to both my parents ahead of time and asked them for their blessing and advice. All my brothers did the same with their wives parents. They had all already talked to their own parents about it and asked for their blessing and advice and in most cases the girls knew it was coming and had also talked it over with their parents. I suppose if one of us had been older it might have been different, but the oldest any of us girls were when we got married was 21 and the rest of us were younger and fairly connected with home yet.

 

Different situations, different families, and different traditions are great, but I find it a little sad that wanting the input of older, wiser, more experienced people is creepy to some people. Inconvenient or not making sense because of family dynamics I totally get, but creepy strikes me as a little strange.Perhaps it's just because I grew up in an area where that was normal and expected.

[AdventuresinHomeschooling]

Hubby already had ring, but he called my dad the day before and asked for his blessing in joining the family.  It's not that it's necessary per se, but imo, it's a sign of respect to my parents who raised me.  Kept it from my mom though until that day because she was temporarily staying in town with me.

[MarinesWife]

No but I was living on my own with a 5 year old daughter.  :)  

 

They had talked at length sometime before ... but that was my dad's doing. 

[Frances]

My dh did, which I thought was sweet. Not that he wouldn't have proposed if my dad said no. But my dad was rather intimidating and he wanted to be on good terms. ;) It wasn't so much that he was looking for permission rather than discussing his intentions and seeking my dad's blessing. They went out for lunch and dh had to choke down a beer. (I was already working and had my own apartment; my parents were divorced but I was close to both of them; dh's proposal was formal, on one knee, and everyone else knew before I did as he proposed the night he graduated from college and passed the ring around the table at breakfast with both families.) I would like it if my sons were to do something similar - talk with their future wives' fathers.

 

For those who like the idea, I'm curious as to why it would only be talking to the father and not both parents for permission or blessing or advice or ?

[PeacefulChaos]

For those who like the idea, I'm curious as to why it would only be talking to the father and not both parents for permission or blessing or advice or ?

 

Most people I know would talk to both.  

[MyLittleWonders]

For those who like the idea, I'm curious as to why it would only be talking to the father and not both parents for permission or blessing or advice or ?

My parents were divorced and I know dh spoke specifically with my dad. I'm not sure what, if anything, he said at a different time with my mom. But I also know he was doing it mostly out of respect for my dad rather than "asking permission". We were going to marry, but he wanted my dad to know and hoped he would have his blessing. If my parents were married, I'm not sure if he would have spoken to both or still taken my dad out for a beer to talk. (My dad was big on man-to-man talks. He wasn't religious in the slightest so none of this had anything to do with specific religious beliefs.)

[HS Mom in NC]

No, he didn't ask my father, step-father or Grandfather all of whom helped raise me as their own child and with all of whom I celebrate Father's Day. I would've been furious if my husband had because we don't live in a world where it's anyone's job but mine to give my husband permission to marry me. No one walked me down the aisle either because I refused to choose between the three of them. 

Neither did he ask any of them for their blessing.  I've never gone around asking my parents to bless any of my adult decisions and I certainly didn't expect my husband to do so.  What's the point?  If they didn't I would've married him anyway, so it seems kind of sneaky to ask.  Sure, I would expect anyone who cared about me to point out any red flags I missed and advise me not marry him because of them but since there weren't any it's not something that applied to our situation.

[Heather in Neverland]

No. Instead he met with both of my parents and asked for their blessing... Not their permission. We would have gotten married even without their blessing but it meant a lot to me that he did that. To me it meant he cared about my parents, too, and it was important to him that they understand his feelings for me and his intentions.

[PrincessMommy]

I think the idea of asking permission is a bit strong, but since someone new will become a member of the family, I think it's a nice gesture to talk to both sets of parents. Rather than "blessing" maybe even thinking of it as asking your parent's advice. I think it's a nice thing to do with both sides, not just the girl's. I guess I just hope that my relationship with my adult children is open and that they would want to come to us with this important step in their life.

 

My husband did talk to my dad, but not to ask permission.

[Carrie12345]

Well, I don't have a relationship with my father and dh has never met him, so...

 

But we decided to get married and then didn't tell anyone until we needed to.  Our wedding was 8 months after we met, and we figured announcing our engagement 3 or 4 months in would get reactions we didn't want to deal with.

 

My mother and stepfather adore him, though.  Probably more than they like me! @@ They never voiced any sort of concern. Maybe b/c they knew I'd just tell them to stuff it, anyway.

[Mom-ninja.]

No. In fact, when we got married my father and dh had not even meet nor talked on the phone.

 

Yes, I have a great relationship with my dad. Always have. My dad thinks dh is great.

[livetoread]

I would not have been comfortable with my dh going to my father or even both my parents to discuss anything. Not at all. Unless of course it would seem just as cool for me to go to his parents without him and discuss my intentions and ask for their blessing.

[LLMom]

I think it is more of asking for a blessing in most cases. that how it was with our now son-in-law.  He told us he wanted to marry our daughter and asked for our blessing.  

[TrixieB]

I was 26 when we got engaged, had a professional job and owned my own home.  It would have been more than a wee bit weird for DH to have asked my father's permission.

 

Same here, except I was older.

 

[Renthead Mommy]

I think it is more of asking for a blessing in most cases. that how it was with our now son-in-law.  He told us he wanted to marry our daughter and asked for our blessing.  

 

 

Okay for some reason someone wants their parents 'blessing'.  So he asks your parents.  They say no, you don't have their "blessing".  So suddenly the guy you were all set to marry you aren't going to marry becuase for some reason your parents don't like him? Or more likely think you can do better? (because you are their kid after all and few people really are good enough for you). 

 

So you don't marry him?  And what? You just start over?  I don't see that going well. 

 

You do marry him, but know they said that about him and YOUR choice?  That doesn't make for such great family togetherness either.  If I was him, I wouldn't want a whole lot to do with her family.  And if I was her, I don't think I'd want a whole lot to do with my own family if they couldn't trust and respect the choices I made. 

[gerka528]

My hubby asked for my parents blessing, but not permission. We were having a traditional military wedding and felt it was traditional.

[MrsJewelsRae]

Yes, my dh asked both my dad and my step dad (who's been in my life as long as I can remember), out of respect for them, tradition, and he knew I would expect it as well. I greatly love and respect my father, I was an adult and free to make my own decisions, but if my dad had reservations about the man I wanted to marry I would've listened very seriously. As it was, both men gave their happy consent to our marriage, which I knew they would. :) I was 19, and still living at home, but I would have wanted it if I were 30 and living on my own.

[Dory]

Okay for some reason someone wants their parents 'blessing'.  So he asks your parents.  They say no, you don't have their "blessing".  So suddenly the guy you were all set to marry you aren't going to marry becuase for some reason your parents don't like him? Or more likely think you can do better? (because you are their kid after all and few people really are good enough for you). 

 

So you don't marry him?  And what? You just start over?  I don't see that going well. 

 

You do marry him, but know they said that about him and YOUR choice?  That doesn't make for such great family togetherness either.  If I was him, I wouldn't want a whole lot to do with her family.  And if I was her, I don't think I'd want a whole lot to do with my own family if they couldn't trust and respect the choices I made. 

 

Well, in most cases I've seen when they say no, they also give a reason and then the guy leaves and works on that reason and comes back later and they re-talk it over. Usually the no is more like a no like this, or not now.

[kewb]

No, my dh did not ask my fathers permission or blessing.  I was not my father's property to give away.  I was and am my own person.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

No, but in his defense, I don't have a very good relationship with my dad, so it would've been kind of odd if he had.

[Lucy]

My hubby went to talk to my parents before he proposed officially, but it was more of a "I'm asking her to marry me." not an asking of their permission.  More of a respect thing to give them a heads up and a chance to voice/discuss any thoughts on the matter.  We had only known each other three months and he wanted to make sure he was setting up a good relationship with them.  They just jumped for joy!

 

edited to add:  This was my hubby's decision - not my parent's expectation.  I think that is a major defining factor - Mom and Dad wouldn't have been offended if my hubby hadn't talked to them.  They trust my own decisions.  My dad did not see me as property to be handed over - he saw me a daughter he longs to protect and appreciated hearing my hubby's intentions firsthand.  When he gave me away at the wedding, it wasn't so much my dad handing me over like I was "his" to give away, it was him showing his love and trust in my husband to love and protect me as he always had.  Just in the same way he is happy his d-in-laws love and protect my brothers.

[maize]

Okay for some reason someone wants their parents 'blessing'. So he asks your parents. They say no, you don't have their "blessing". So suddenly the guy you were all set to marry you aren't going to marry becuase for some reason your parents don't like him? Or more likely think you can do better? (because you are their kid after all and few people really are good enough for you).

 

So you don't marry him? And what? You just start over? I don't see that going well.

 

You do marry him, but know they said that about him and YOUR choice? That doesn't make for such great family togetherness either. If I was him, I wouldn't want a whole lot to do with her family. And if I was her, I don't think I'd want a whole lot to do with my own family if they couldn't trust and respect the choices I made.

Usually I think asking is a formality, and the answer is already known (just as an official proposal is most often a formality, the couple have already decided to get married). A couple who have their minds made up to marry but suspect or know of parental reservations are likely to opt not to ask. But when you know parents are on board, following the tradition can be a sweet acknowledgment of the blending of two families. Obviously if the idea bothers you wouldn't follow that tradition.

[Laura Corin]

I proposed when we were on the other side of the world from either of our sets of parents.  I could not have imagined either of us asking the other's parents.

 

L

[Danestress]

I think most of the time, men are asking for a father's blessing more than 'permission.' My DH didn't do it, which was best for us and fine with my dad. But I don't think there is anything wrong or insulting about asking for the blessing/approval of a close family member. I don't love the partriarchical feel of just asking the father and not the mother, but I don't think it is insulting really. I do think that should probably happen after a proposal - I think the lady should be asked first. I definitely wanted my parents' blessing but didn't want or need permission.

[MinivanMom]

I've never gone around asking my parents to bless any of my adult decisions and I certainly didn't expect my husband to do so. 

 

 

This.

 

Dh did tell his parents that he was going to propose. Mostly because his mom kept criticizing me and trying to set him up with other girls. "I have a serious girlfriend," wasn't working so he finally had to sit them down and say, "Minivan Mom and I are going to get married, so knock it off already." That finally did the trick. Unfortunately, his parents then decided it was their job to make sure he proposed correctly by asking my father's permission first. It didn't matter how much he explained that I didn't have a father in my life and had been making my own decisions for many years, thank-you-very-much. They were just aghast at the idea that I would consent on my own without someone-in-authority-over-me consenting first. And, no, they don't belong to any kind of fringe religion that believes that sort of thing. Dh finally appeased them by saying he would call my mother ahead of time. This wasn't asking permission or for her blessing, just a heads-up that he planned to propose, as in, "Hey, your daughter and I are planning to get married. I'm going to propose tonight so we may swing by to show you the ring."

 

There were lots of red-flags there. I mean, I knew going in that his parents were difficult, but there were lots of serious red flags about his parents in the whole interaction. We spent years in conflict, because they felt they were in authority over us (we have authority over our adult son, he has authority over his wife & children, so we are in authority over them all). They would even try to go to the leaders at the church dh and I were attending to try to get them to correct us. Eventually, this started to extend to my single, divorced mother (cause they had authority over her through their son??) and the harassment extended to her as well. Needless to say we moved to another state and have been estranged for many years.

 

So, yeah, red-flags can go both ways and older doesn't always mean wiser. I think that's why the tradition feels so weird to me.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I would have liked it, as I love tradition. However, I also had no respect for my grandfather/man in charge of raising me, and I was also on a "I'm not his property!" mood. (He deserved it, but that's another story.) So I told dh not to ask him (before dh proposed. But I knew it was coming.)

[redsquirrel]

Someone please explain to me the difference between 'permission' and 'blessing' because I am not seeing it. Either way it is something that requires a yes or no answers and each expresses approval or disapproval.

 

I don't see the difference. But understand I am not a christian so I don't really understand how a 'blessing' means anything anyway. It sounds more like a different word for consent to me.

 

And for those of you who asked, what if the answer had been no, for either a 'blessing' or 'approval'

 

And why does no one ask the parents of the groom for a blessing or permission? Why is it limited to being something men must ask from the family of the woman?

 

[Jennifer3141]

No. My DH asked me to marry him. Since I'm not my father's property that, "tradition" was irrelevant.

[Reefgazer]

When we decided to get married, my DH told me he was going to ask my dad for "permission" to marry me and I told him that was an entirely bad idea because I was 30 years old and inclined to make my won decisions.  When we did tell my parents, I conveyed to my dad that DH was going to ask his permission until I but the squelch on it, and my dad said to DH  that he would have just referred the decision back to me anyway, LOL!

 

ETA: I'd be downright annoyed if DD's future husband asked permission of either of us to marry her. I'd also be suspicious of his ability to treat DD with equality and respect.

[Wheres Toto]

We did not tell our parents that we GOT married until after the fact. We just told them we'd go to Paris for a week, but omitted the fact about getting married on the way to the airport. We had beautiful announcements printed and mailed them from the airport before departure :-)

 

Due to somewhat odd circumstances with dh and I, our parents didn't find out we were married until we had to tell them I was pregnant with ds.   My mother actually guessed I was pregnant before we had planned to say anything (we were waiting for Christmas).

[smudge]

DH and I were  both 31 when we got engaged. DH did not ask my dad's permission, we just told them to keep March 29, 2002 free on their social calendar. They were very happy for me! I had been living on my own for several years and was a homeowner, so I figured I am the boss of myself! :lol:

[Dory]

Someone please explain to me the difference between 'permission' and 'blessing' because I am not seeing it. Either way it is something that requires a yes or no answers and each expresses approval or disapproval.

 

I don't see the difference. But understand I am not a christian so I don't really understand how a 'blessing' means anything anyway. It sounds more like a different word for consent to me.

 

And for those of you who asked, what if the answer had been no, for either a 'blessing' or 'approval'

 

And why does no one ask the parents of the groom for a blessing or permission? Why is it limited to being something men must ask from the family of the woman?

 

Blessing just means you are asking for their support and input. Without their blessing you could just go ahead and get married, but if their support and input on your future mean a lot to either of you, then you work to figure out what needs to improve or be fixed in order to get that. Permission means that you feel you can't go ahead with anything without their ok. Blessing means you respect them, permission means you still see them as owning or running your lives.

[VeganCupcake]

So should I have asked DH's mother for her blessing?  :lol:  I didn't. Though it might have been fun.

[Desert Rat]

Dh had already asked me, but wanted to do the formal, traditional thing. So, we got a teeny-tiny ring and he asked my dad on Christmas Eve, then we had a party at our teeny-tiny apartment. 

It was cute how nervous dh was. He ran out to my dad's van as soon as he got home from work. Poor Dad was ambushed! It's a happy memory. 

[Alice]

Dh went and talked to my parents before asking. I was a little surprised that he did, but not offended. We were older and I was in my residency so I was definitely out on my own and didn't need "permission". I would say for dh it was more of a sign that he wanted to start off our marriage by acknowledging that they were important in my life and that he wanted their blessing/approval/whatever you want to call it. They knew him and loved him already and he knew they weren't going to be anything but happy but I think it was just a nod to tradition. Sure, if they had said no, we could have and would have still gotten married. We were independent and it was really about us and not them. I think though that having your child (and I'm an only child) get married and form a new family has got to feel somewhat bittersweet. Kind of like a child going off to college, as a parent you are happy but it's also and ending of what was one family unit and the beginning of something new. I think by telling them first he was kind of saying that we still wanted them to be part of our lives, it softened the blow a bit. 

 

I can understand that some people come from traditions where they are very anti anything that smacks of patriarchy but my experience has been that most of the people I know who have marriages where the husband asked the father for permission/blessing have very egalitarian marriages. Dh talked to my parents first but he had already proven that he thought of me as an equal in many other ways in my eyes. And in our marriage he has continued to show that he thinks of me as much more than property. :)

[abcinnc]

My DH did not ask my father.

Our daugher's fiancé asked my DH before he asked our DD.

[redsquirrel]

So none of you, whose future husband asked for a blessing or permission, felt the need to ask the parents of your fiancee for a blessing?

 

Are the parents of the male partner in a heterosexual marriage left out in the cold? Does no one want our blessing or support?  Do we not matter?

 

 

[Joyofsixreboot]

No, he just asked and I said yes. The whole ask dad thing is not something that would fly in my family. My dad would have seen it as dh being weak. My own parents just got married and told their parents after.

[Alice]

So none of you, whose future husband asked for a blessing or permission, felt the need to ask the parents of your fiancee for a blessing?

 

Are the parents of the male partner in a heterosexual marriage left out in the cold? Does no one want our blessing or support?  Do we not matter?

 

Dh's mother passed away before we began dating. His father was much older and dh would say more of a grandfather figure than a traditional father figure.

 

Since I wasn't the one who proposed I didn't go to his family first. But soon after we were engaged we went out to lunch with his oldest sister who is sort of like a MIL to me. It wasn't like a formal asking for blessing but that is kind of what it was in practice, she actually was fairly intentional about formally welcoming me to the family. 

[Arcadia]

Are the parents of the male partner in a heterosexual marriage left out in the cold? Does no one want our blessing or support? Do we not matter?

My hubby inform his parents before proposing. He won't want me asking his parents for blessings for the proposal even though it was given during the customary wedding. His mom has a reputation for being over-critical so his aunts were a little worried I'll be frightened off.

[PeacefulChaos]

Okay for some reason someone wants their parents 'blessing'.  So he asks your parents.  They say no, you don't have their "blessing".  So suddenly the guy you were all set to marry you aren't going to marry becuase for some reason your parents don't like him? Or more likely think you can do better? (because you are their kid after all and few people really are good enough for you). 

 

So you don't marry him?  And what? You just start over?  I don't see that going well. 

 

You do marry him, but know they said that about him and YOUR choice?  That doesn't make for such great family togetherness either.  If I was him, I wouldn't want a whole lot to do with her family.  And if I was her, I don't think I'd want a whole lot to do with my own family if they couldn't trust and respect the choices I made. 

To the first questions - no.  You don't just quit on this guy and try to find another one.  

I can honestly say I've rarely seen or met anyone who didn't like their son or daughter in law.  I can think of one off the top of my head, the parents of the GUY didn't like the woman he was marrying (and I don't know why, I have always thought she was awesome...sort of idolized her a little in high school. ;) And she's just as amazing now... but anyway) and he was like, well, you can either learn to like her or not, but I love her and I'm marrying her.  

As far as I know they don't have much of anything to do with them.  It's sad, IMO, that they wouldn't come on board - the couple has several kids now that the grandparents are missing out on, at least to the fullest extent.  But that's their choice.  

I take that back - I know one other one as well.  The parents of the guy again, didn't like the woman he was marrying, I think partly because she was 40 at the time and he was 28.  Once again, I don't know that they ever came on board.  

 

People like my grandparents, they really liked DH from the start.  They didn't like that DH and I decided to get married 3 months into our relationship and when I was 18.  ;)  It took some time (a couple weeks?) to get them on board, but once they knew how serious about it we were, they were okay with it.  My grandma has said in recent years that while it wasn't what they had hoped, timing-wise, it wasn't worth fracturing our relationship over.  I think situations like this are more common - timing, etc - not 'I don't like ___ so I don't want you marrying them.'

 

Someone please explain to me the difference between 'permission' and 'blessing' because I am not seeing it. Either way it is something that requires a yes or no answers and each expresses approval or disapproval.

 

I don't see the difference. But understand I am not a christian so I don't really understand how a 'blessing' means anything anyway. It sounds more like a different word for consent to me.

 

And for those of you who asked, what if the answer had been no, for either a 'blessing' or 'approval'

 

And why does no one ask the parents of the groom for a blessing or permission? Why is it limited to being something men must ask from the family of the woman?

Blessing is in NO way the same thing as consent.  

As parents we try to speak blessings over our children all the time.  As 'Christians' I think we should try to speak blessings over/to people in general all the time.  It is in no way related to giving people consent for anything - that just doesn't make any sense.  :confused:  Speaking a blessing is the same as pointing out strengths, building up character in positive ways, etc.  I'm not describing it in an awesome way, but our words mean a LOT.  I don't mean it has to be sugary and stupid either - but if we see something good in a person we should speak it, even if it's someone we don't know.  If there is a chance to give encouragement to someone we should do so.  Etc.  (Like I said, I'm not describing it well... but suffice to say that a blessing is as different as night and day from consent.)

As far as wanting the parent's blessing to get married... well, think about it this way.  When DH and I decided to move 17 hours from my grandparents, they were not happy about it.  We did not have their blessing to do so, so to speak.  We did it anyway, but it made the time more stressful and difficult because it was something they weren't behind us in.  It wasn't until we got here and settled in that they could see this was the place for us - they were caught up in the emotions of the baby of the family going halfway across the country rather than seeing that it was the right thing for us to do at the time.  Does that make sense?  

Also, if you are more traditional re: weddings, not having the parent's blessing - from both sides - would probably change things a lot.  I knew my grandparents were on board when my grandma asked when I was coming home from college to go wedding dress shopping.  Had they not decided to bless our marriage, we would have had a much different ceremony (think eloping or justice of the peace lol!) and I probably wouldn't be as close to them now as I am - I talk to them every week on the phone, usually for over an hour.  We see each other twice a year and they have been present for everything - kids' births, kids' first birthdays, etc.  

 

So none of you, whose future husband asked for a blessing or permission, felt the need to ask the parents of your fiancee for a blessing?

 

Are the parents of the male partner in a heterosexual marriage left out in the cold? Does no one want our blessing or support?  Do we not matter?

 

We talked to both sets of parents.  I think he told his parents we wanted to get married before we officially sat down and told my grandparents we were planning to.  I wanted to tell my grandparents in person, so it had to wait - he told his parents over the phone.  And we sat down and talked with my grandparents, my pastor and his wife, his parents, and their pastor, all in the same week lol.  Spring Break 2001 - woohoo!  :lol:

[MinivanMom]

Blessing just means you are asking for their support and input. Without their blessing you could just go ahead and get married, but if their support and input on your future mean a lot to either of you, then you work to figure out what needs to improve or be fixed in order to get that. Permission means that you feel you can't go ahead with anything without their ok. Blessing means you respect them, permission means you still see them as owning or running your lives.

 

Eeesh. Your definition of "blessing" is what I was imagining folks meant when they used the word "permission". I was imagining "blessing" to mean more like "congratulations from religious folk". If you have to "improve or be fixed" in order to earn your in-laws approval, then isn't that seeing them as "owning or running your lives"? It puts them in a position of authority and judgment over your marriage.

 

That just feels icky to me.

 

[Cricket]

So none of you, whose future husband asked for a blessing or permission, felt the need to ask the parents of your fiancee for a blessing?

 

Are the parents of the male partner in a heterosexual marriage left out in the cold? Does no one want our blessing or support?  Do we not matter?

 

Dh talked with my parents with me there but it was more of a "you don't have to worry, I can support her" type of thing.  I was never fully on my own before getting married.  I had graduated college but was still living with my aunt and uncle (paying minimal rent) at the time I met dh.  We got engaged two weeks after meeting so I think dh was anxious to be respectful and considerate of my family since my family is very close.  He didn't want them to worry about this strange guy their daughter just met.  My parents have never been overly protective or controlling so there was no weirdness at all in him feeling like he'd like to have their blessing.  I know as parents we have to let our kids go but I don't think when they turn 18 I'll magically stop worrying about them.  Dh, on the other hand, left home at 16 and hadn't lived at home for 20 years.  It would have been very weird to ask for their blessing considering many of those years he had no contact with them.  If dh's home life had been like mine and they were close, I would appreciate knowing we had his parents' blessing as well.  I don't see it as a negative.  It's much nicer if we get along with the in-laws too.

[maize]

So none of you, whose future husband asked for a blessing or permission, felt the need to ask the parents of your fiancee for a blessing?

 

Are the parents of the male partner in a heterosexual marriage left out in the cold? Does no one want our blessing or support? Do we not matter?

I like a life framed by tradition, and the tradition is to ask the bride's father.

 

In our case, I think I had my future in-laws' blessing long before dh made up his mind on the matter. Mine was made up a good six months before he could bring himself to commit and the whole family knew, we just had to be patient :)