GSOchristie Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I don't have time to get into all the backstory, but I will say my MIL does not have a good track record with us. She is hypercritical and more than a little crazy (NPD, I suspect), but we have been on speaking terms for about a year (after a five year hiatus). Since Christmas she has sent a series of scathing emails about our eldest son, our parenting, our school choice, and our housekeeping. DH is done, he told her not to stop by on her visit this time (she only comes twice a year and this is the week). She is planning on coming, anyway, to drop off a bunch of stuff for our kids that she had already made/purchased before DH told her not to bother. He is unfazed, he refuses to email her again, he told her not to come, he wasn't going to answer the door, it's over in his mind. Only now he has a late appointment in Raleigh, and I will be the one who will be here when she gets here :glare: . He said, "Just don't answer the door when she rings the bell, she can't get in the house, you will not have to actually deal with her. Or stay over at Toys N' Co after Awanas, you probably will completely miss her." Only I might not, and that's an hour past the kids' bedtime. So what would you do? Would you ignore her knocking (I'm afraid she might create a scene that my neighbors will witness)? Do you answer the door and accept the gifts, but not invite her in? Do you invite her in and accept the gifts, but not ask her if she'd like a glass of water? Do you invite her in and let DH deal with her when he gets home, which could be as late as 10:30 or 11:00? Ack, I am not confrontational! Even though she has said horrible things about me since Christmas, I feel bad about not answering the door and taking the gifts. I am a wuss :leaving: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 If he told her not to come and you don't want to deal with her, then don't be home. Take the kids someplace fun, like an inflatables place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 And make sure to turn off your cell phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 She is supposed to arrive sometime between 8 and 10, so I might miss her by taking them somewhere, but I might not, I guess I could keep them in the McDonald's playplace until 10:30 :). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Listen to your dh. Avoid the drama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I would stay out. Make it a treat for the kids. If you have pretty regular bedtimes it might seem like quite an adventure to them. After the stores or whatever close, go to a 24-hour diner for a bedtime snack. OK, I have no idea what is available in your town and your kids are young, but you can find a way to make it a party. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Avoid the drama. Find someplace else to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 Okay, that is what I'll do. I can take them to Toys N Co until 8:30, Barnes and Nobel until 9;30, then to McDonald's for ice cream and the playplace. It will be quite an adventure. He should be home by then to deal with her if she is sitting in our driveway. She is loony, not in a dangerous way, but in an annoying way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Alyssa* Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 When it comes to the in-laws, I have learned the hard way to just let my husband deal with his relatives. My default answer is to do what your DH instructs you to do, because at the end of the day, you are doing what her son instructs you to do. No one to blame, but her own (adult) child.So if he told you to ignore her when she comes to the door, that is what you do. If he wants you to go to Toys 'N' Co, that is where you go. Let him deal with his own mother. You can do this! You are strong! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Okay, that is what I'll do. I can take them to Toys N Co until 8:30, Barnes and Nobel until 9;30, then to McDonald's for ice cream and the playplace. It will be quite an adventure. He should be home by then to deal with her if she is sitting in our driveway. She is loony, not in a dangerous way, but in an annoying way. I think that sounds like a winning idea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Do whatever it takes to avoid her, and don't go home until your dh calls to let you know he is already there and that his mother is not. Otherwise, you'll worry the whole time you're gone that she will be waiting in your driveway when you get home, and you won't enjoy your fun night out with the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 When it comes to the in-laws, I have learned the hard way to just let my husband deal with his relatives. My default answer is to do what your DH instructs you to do, because at the end of the day, you are doing what her son instructs you to do. No one to blame, but her own (adult) child. So if he told you to ignore her when she comes to the door, that is what you do. If he wants you to go to Toys 'N' Co, that is where you go. Let him deal with his own mother. You can do this! You are strong! :grouphug: This is my mantra when women ask how to handle some in-law problem: your husband's family? Let him deal with it! Stay out of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dana Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 You could also take the kids to a late movie... Lego movie? Frozen? Also agree with waiting until your husband is home and gives the all clear. Good luck! and :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 If the kids are too tired, just park some place, put in a movie if you have a dvd player, or a book on tape, hold the two year old in your lap and let them sleep. My three year old wouldn't make it to 10:30 after the Toys n co and Barnes and Noble, so I would just put in a movie, park at Walmart and wait. Kind of like going to the drive in! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Hotel party! I'd seriously check in somewhere for the night and avoid it all. His mother, his game plan. You're crazy if you open that door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 1. Take naps at lunch, go to the run down $4 dollar theatre and see Despicable Me 2, the go to an indoor trampoline place, then late night diner 2. pack tent and do a field trip at state park 3. call a good friend and see if you can do a "family sleep over" with you buying new movies and all the pizza needed. 4. have sleepover in husband's hotel room that he has for business trip. I would not be home Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Actually, this sounds like a good excuse to spring for a night or two at an indoor waterpark--do you have a Great Wolf Lodge within several hours drive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 The thing is, with a person with NPD, the normal rules of civility don't apply. Answering the door, things like that. Just keep reminding yourself of that. Being gracious, being a hostess, whatever, goes right out the window with people like this. The problem is, she could show up at any time. She could show up, or be waiting to ambush you when you get back. It's not a bad idea to be out and try to avoid her, but it's important to be ready for a confrontation if she is there when you get back. Do NOT let her reaction influence you in any way. Decide beforehand what you are going to do. And be prepared for an adult temper tantrum like you've never seen. I have been in situations like this, and it's not pretty. But if you don't stand your ground with NPD's, IE don't answer the door if you've made it clear they are not welcome, then they will never realize you are serious. And she may weep and wail for all the neighbors to see, which is not fun. But, the sooner she realizes you are serious and you won't give into her tantrum, she'll want less to do with you overall. Sorry you are going through this :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie Anne Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Hotel party! I'd seriously check in somewhere for the night and avoid it all. His mother, his game plan. You're crazy if you open that door. Yes! Go to a place with a pool, bring all kinds of games and dvd's. Make a mini vacation of it. Have your husband come home to the hotel, if you can. The kids will love it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I hate to be out at night, so I would simply have all the lights off, no car in sight, and let her pound on the door. If she won't go away, I would call the police and have her removed from the property. I know that's cold, but I have a family member with NPD and borderline personality, and know from experience that these people will go to great lengths to assert their will and you have to stand up to their craziness or get held emotionally hostage. If this would upset the kids, then a night out is the way to go. I am sorry you have to deal with this mess. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 We could spend the night at a friend's house in our neighborhood, hmm, that might be a thought. That way we could wait it out for as long as it took. Yes, she absolutely would throw a temper tantrum for our whole cul de sac to see :(. She lives in her own reality, DH told her a week ago not to come, outlined specific boundary stomping. She still wrote him yesterday saying, "I don't know how I'm going to make it to your city, I will just be so exhausted when I leave Asheville." ??? How about stay in Asheville because what in the world is she going to do once she gets here? Is she going to stay in a hotel? fHas she made reservations? I mean, surely she has some plan, because she knows DH doesn't play when he's made up his mind. I look at her as mentally ill, he looks at her as a person who fails to act like a grown up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 We could spend the night at a friend's house in our neighborhood, hmm, that might be a thought. That way we could wait it out for as long as it took. Yes, she absolutely would throw a temper tantrum for our whole cul de sac to see :(. She lives in her own reality, DH told her a week ago not to come, outlined specific boundary stomping. She still wrote him yesterday saying, "I don't know how I'm going to make it to your city, I will just be so exhausted when I leave Asheville." ??? How about stay in Asheville because what in the world is she going to do once she gets here? Is she going to stay in a hotel? fHas she made reservations? I mean, surely she has some plan, because she knows DH doesn't play when he's made up his mind. I look at her as mentally ill, he looks at her as a person who fails to act like a grown up. Do you think she's expecting you to put her up for the night? If so, I can see her just sitting at your house waiting for someone to arrive. Your DH can deal with it. Will he go to work tomorrow? What if she shows up in the morning when he's not there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Okay, that is what I'll do. I can take them to Toys N Co until 8:30, Barnes and Nobel until 9;30, then to McDonald's for ice cream and the playplace. It will be quite an adventure. That sounds like fun! I wish I could go with you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I'm sorry you are going to have to deal with this alone. Imo, I would let dh deal with his mother, getting between them will only cause you more stress and upset. And I think it stinks that she is trying to manipulate things this way and putting you in such a difficult position. :grouphug: I agree with expecting her to create a scene if things do not go as she wants them to. We could spend the night at a friend's house in our neighborhood, hmm, that might be a thought. That way we could wait it out for as long as it took. Yes, she absolutely would throw a temper tantrum for our whole cul de sac to see :(. She lives in her own reality, DH told her a week ago not to come, outlined specific boundary stomping. She still wrote him yesterday saying, "I don't know how I'm going to make it to your city, I will just be so exhausted when I leave Asheville." ??? How about stay in Asheville because what in the world is she going to do once she gets here? Is she going to stay in a hotel? fHas she made reservations? I mean, surely she has some plan, because she knows DH doesn't play when he's made up his mind. I look at her as mentally ill, he looks at her as a person who fails to act like a grown up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 Do you think she's expecting you to put her up for the night? If so, I can see her just sitting at your house waiting for someone to arrive. Your DH can deal with it. Will he go to work tomorrow? What if she shows up in the morning when he's not there? I just don't know, I mean he clearly said "Don't come here when you are in NC." To which she replied with nasty email, followed by sorrowful emails, followed by pleading email. He only responded once with, "Don't come here when you are in NC." So she (should) know that she's not welcome, but she's...not able to see reality sometimes. He will go to work tomorrow, but she doesn't know if I'm more forgiving or not, I don't communicate with her at all. So if he sends her away, I don't think she'll come back. She lives 11 hours away, so we don't see her often. She visits when she's back in Asheville for doctors appts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 at least you know she is coming... my MIL has a history of coming to town without warning and then goes off about how we didn't clear our weekend when she showed up! But I agree....it's your dh's mom. He needs to be very clear to her about not coming. I wouldn't leave. I would be home. I wouldn't answer the door. The last time my inlaws came I left to go shopping all day long. And I don't shop. Ever. lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homebody2k Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I think it sounds like she might just arrive planning to stay - I would so not be home for the night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Is she loony enough to drive the neighborhood looking for your car? If so, I would skip the friend's house and head to a hotel. I'd probably do that anyway! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I think it sounds like she might just arrive planning to stay - I would so not be home for the night. Definitely, I'd do an inexpensive hotel with indoor pool, movies in the room and pizza in bed. Based on what you said she probably has no plan to stay anywhere, but your home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 at least you know she is coming... my MIL has a history of coming to town without warning and then goes off about how we didn't clear our weekend when she showed up! But I agree....it's your dh's mom. He needs to be very clear to her about not coming. I wouldn't leave. I would be home. I wouldn't answer the door. The last time my inlaws came I left to go shopping all day long. And I don't shop. Ever. lol Holy cow, if she ever showed up without calling, she knows DH would send her packing until it was convenient. I have a gift certificate to The Proximity, not how I was planning on using it, but it would be a classy night out for my kids ;). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 So, new info, according to dh, she's going to drop the kids' stuff, pick up her clothes she left from the last time she was here (that he plans to leave hanging on the door), and she has a hotel booked nearby. He will be here in the morning to deal with her should she happen to come back by (which is pretty much a given if she's staying nearby overnight). He's totally unfazed, in his mind he's dealt with her and washed his hands. Whatever crazy comes next, he will just ignore. I hope it will be that painless. She's mostly just dramatic "woe is me, the world is all against me, I'm so persecuted, here are 13 emails about my sad life", but I she did walk out on the front porch in only a towel the last time she was here to dispose of a stinkbug that my son didn't want to come and get out of the bathroom :confused1: . I'm hoping my neighbors missed that little scene. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 :lol: sorry for laughing but I've so been there done that - I vote for just leaving the house for the evening. I would walk the mall, see a movie or even volunteer to clean someone else's house :lol: before dealing with my parent sometimes I've also acted like know one was home but then they sat on my porch for a few hours waiting on us. Sorry tough call and good luck!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I haven't read the other replies yet but under the circumstances, I would definitely not be home. Do you have a basement or bedroom where you could hide out with a rented movie (like some folks do to avoid trick or treaters)? Or maybe just make the exception to break bedtime and stay out late. If this woman were just rude to adults, I might think differently. But it sounds like she's verbally attacking your kids. Folks like that don't get access to my children. If you accept the "gifts" she's dropping off, that gives her a power play - you can look forward to being guilted over her gift and your lack of appreciation for it. So catch her, miss her, you're going to spend time in the doghouse either way. Personally, I find the no-confrontation doghouse a bit more comfortable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 I don't have any answer but it makes me angry that she is driving you from your own home. I'm really sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 checking in to see if there is any news Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 She said in her first post that it might be 10:30- 11pm before her husband gets home. Hopefully, the MIL won't be there when she gets home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Here's a thought: The OP hides in a hotel. MIL arrives and no one is home. What to do? She finds a hotel for the night. Plot of every bad sit com says they end up at the same hotel. Wouldn't that be awkward over complimentary bagels in the morning? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Cornelia Snook Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 I thought that, too, Garga! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 hope it all went/is going well! hugs, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Aaaaaannnddd?!?!?! You can't leave us hanging like this for a whole day! :lurk5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Aaaaaannnddd?!?!?! You can't leave us hanging like this for a whole day! :lurk5: I hope she's not still in hiding! :eek: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Hoping all is well! Maybe you're hiding out at Great Wolf Lodge, having a blast with the kids??? :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Maybe the MIL got her, or she hopped onto a plane and decided Disney sounded like a good hiding place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Hoping things went well. I didn't post because I think everyone covered every response I would have posted. BIL had a crazy ex-MIL and his kids' school had to call him on a regular basis to try and politely and safely remove her from campus (and this was AFTER he had divorced her daughter). He was the only one she might listen to but it was always messy and draining. Avoidance just seems like the very best option in these situations. I really hope things went well and she avoided her altogether.... Any update OP? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 I too am anxious for an update! I didn't see this until today, but my first concern was to have a bag packed in the car so if you arrive home late and she's sitting on the driveway, you can just turn around and go to a hotel. What an unfortunate situation! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 :lurk5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Still no word from Christie... Could it be that she is too tired to post, after being up half the night last night digging a shallow grave in her backyard? ;) Maybe she decided that one night out was fun, but running away to Hawaii sounded even better, so we won't hear from her until she gets settled in her new oceanfront home. Of course, she will be living under a clever alias so no one can find her, but I'm sure she'll find a way to let us know she's all right. OK, I'll admit it. I have no clue. But I hope her MIL didn't find her!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 I hope the "visit" went well, meaning that there was absolutely no contact with Mil, you and the kids had a fun night out, and mil is now 10 hours (or more) away from you. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Inquiring minds would like to know what happened . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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