Ravin Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I live in a bubble a lot of the time. I'm surrounded by my little group of supportive chosen family and friends, several states away from my bio family and best childhood friend and the very different worldview that surrounds them. I'm transgendered. This is a realization I've come to in the last few years (since my son was born). I've been seeing a therapist, and have talked it all out with my husband as I made changes in my life. I'm moving towards transition in the form of hormone therapy (testosterone), and my upcoming spring break trip to visit family in TX will be my last opportunity to tell them before that happens. Which means I really need to tell them. Which is where the bubble comes in. My family know I'm weird. I've always stepped to the beat of my own drummer--in religion, in sexual orientation, in the kind of family I've chosen. The last time I was out there visiting, my presentation in how I dressed, etc., was very masculine. At least once at my sister's wedding my mother felt it necessary to correct a stranger about my gender (stranger thought I was male). But I didn't give any explanation then other than it was time for a change after DS was born (I'd previously dressed in long dresses/skirts and covered my hair for years). The question is, how? I'd like advice on this from the hive. I've got some "what not to do's." Don't tell anyone while they're driving. Do it in person, not in email, over the phone, or social media. With my best childhood friend, who I IM with all the time (we talk almost daily), I've been dropping hints indirectly through our creative writing projects (having the "me" character in the stories we write be male). So my questions for the hive are: If someone has made such a revelation to you in a way you think was appropriate, how did they do it? Or, if someone botched it, what did they do? If you were going to be given this information about an adult sibling or, for those old enough, adult child, how would you want to be told? I'd like many viewpoints. I have family members of varying religious and political inclinations and temperaments (and levels of mental stability), decidedly outside my "bubble." They live in West Texas, an area more socially conservative than the circles I run in in the city where I live (even if not that much more politically conservative overall). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dana Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 No suggestions, but good luck! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Just prepare yourself for both acceptance and disappointment. :grouphug: and good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I've never had anyone share anything of that magnitude with me, but I just wanted to wish you the best of luck in your future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I do not have answer but I want to say I wish you the best on your journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 If I was your hyopothetical mother/relative, I'd like some time to process, I'd like to be given the freedom to express emotion. I would want to know how / what your children will be told, if there will be changes in the family structure. It would be a little like the end of something and the beginning of something new with which I am unfamiliar. This may make me fearful and sad. If I am (as your hypothetical relative) of a strong religious belief, I may be heart-broken. I would, however, always love you, love my grandchildren and want the best for you. Perhaps start with a person whom you deem most understanding or with whom you are closest; this person could perhaps support you as you tell the rest of your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerileanne99 Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I don't think I have any huge pearls of wisdom for breaking the news to your family, but a few thoughts. First off: huge hugs and well wishes. Regardless of how they take it I applaud your courage in a difficult situation. I hope that your family affords you all of the empathy, love, and grace that you deserve. My best friend in the Army went through a very similar situation, compounded by the fact that, duh, the Army is not the most welcoming climate for situations of this nature. Not that West Texas generally is either, come to think of it:) When he finally told his parents he got very mice reactions: his twin and mother rolled their eyes and congratulated him on finally coming to terms with something that had been obvious to them for years! His dad...not so much. Anger, denial, the gamut. It had taken a very long time for them to even begin work on a new relationship. He was advised by hi therapists and doctors to be very forthright, but unapologetic. As in "I understand you are having trouble with this, and I am sorry this is difficult for you"...but NOT apologize for you being you. He also brought along quite a bit of reading material to leave with his family, which helped a few members of his family. Best to you... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Having relatives in West Texas, I fully understand your concern, and wish you the best. I have some that would not be comfortable but would support me if I were to reveal something of this magnitude. I have other relatives that might be o.k. to my face but would gossip unmercifully and be nervous and embarrassed and maybe even trash me to neighbors behind my back to separate themselves from the situation and protect themselves from perceived potential backlash from the surrounding community. Hopefully, that would not be the case in your situation. It may be very hard to predict all the reactions long-term. I really feel if you talk with people privately it would be better in most instances, but if you can't talk with everyone quickly, word will probably spread before you can talk to everyone directly. Definitely, people are going to wonder how your husband is going to be dealing with this and how you will address your children about it. In fact, after the initial processing, some family may be quite concerned. If you can reassure them about DH (hopefully - he is dealing o.k. with this, right? You seemed to indicate that.) and how you will handle the kids, that might help them to see you have thought this all through. As others have said, give them time, be patient and understanding as they process the situation, and I would urge you to keep communication open. Encourage them to ask questions if they want to. Talk to them often after you leave, too, so no misunderstandings or bad assumptions develop after you tell them. I wish you the very best in this new chapter of your life. Hugs. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs_JWM Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 No advice, but how wonderful that you are living YOUR best life. I wish you the absolute best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 See if this is useful: http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=202 and if it is you can order hard copies here for $2.50 each: http://www.pflag.org/zen/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=1 Be prepared for people to possibly already know or to be upset. It doesn't mean that they don't love you but it's important to give them room to process and possibly mourn their vision of you. When others I have known have gone through this, nobody in their family was surprised. I found out my friend was a cross-dresser (not the same, I know) when I was shown a draft of a book he was working on about his journey. It was very touching. Maybe you can write something about your experience? Another time I was told while hurtling at 70 mph down I-5. I'm glad I already knew about it. :driving: Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Be very clear and kind. Be ready to answer a lot of questions. I would have some resources for them about how children handle gender transition because that is where I suspect people who disagree with it will focus. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 My husband is supportive, but he won't be there. I already have the pflag brochure saved on my computer. I'll print several copies before I head out there. I'll be staying with my mom. I can't fathom her throwing us out, but if she did my sister would take me in to spite her, I think. The one whose reaction I'm most unsure about is my dad. He always wanted a son, but... And the sister mentioned, who is bipolar and can be very unpredictable. Thanks for all the well-wishes! I hadn't thought about questions they might have about how it affects my kids. Which is silly of me given it's been one of my top worries for almost three years now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 So my questions for the hive are: If someone has made such a revelation to you in a way you think was appropriate, how did they do it? Or, if someone botched it, what did they do? If you were going to be given this information about an adult sibling or, for those old enough, adult child, how would you want to be told? I'd like many viewpoints. I have family members of varying religious and political inclinations and temperaments (and levels of mental stability), decidedly outside my "bubble." They live in West Texas, an area more socially conservative than the circles I run in in the city where I live (even if not that much more politically conservative overall). My daughter's friend made the announcement on facebook the day after she graduated high school - told everyone he was transgendered and they are to henceforth address him by his new male name. A bit abrupt, I thought, and wondered if it was therapist approved ;) What I took out of this is that I think that the name change is kind of a big deal. It told people that he was very serious about this (even though it may seem as though he was a confused 18-year old), and I think it actually helped the transition for his family. They are a very socially well-known family - the type who is in the newspaper occasionally for acquiring an art piece, or donating money - and both parents are university professors. From what I know, it was very difficult for the mother, not so much for the father, but they both came around after a few weeks to be fully supportive. I dance with a woman who still refers to her child as her "daughter-turned-son" after 6 years. I will have to ask her the story of how she found out (I usually wait for people to share information like that). Other than that, she really is quite supportive and accepting. Although, as supportive as she is of him, I get the feeling that there is still some bitterness and betrayal there. I have to wonder if I would harbor those same illogical feelings of betrayal, although I would be as supportive as I could be. I hope. For whatever reason, it seemed to be easier for the M2F that we know. Well, easier as in more people accepting the transition. The most hurtful thing one woman had to deal with was her kids referring to her as Dad, which was confusing for everyone and made me refer to her as him sometimes, making me feel terrible. The other woman we know called a family meeting and told everybody all at once and prepared for a barrage of yelling that never happened. There were tears, but her family has been wonderful. I'm thinking again of feeling bitter and betrayed, and maybe it has to do with the other children in the family. If it was the only daughter, maybe the mother feels a special bond with that child, and can no longer commiserate? I don't know, I was trying to rationalize it... I would want to be told directly and immediately with no lengthy preamble because I would hate to jump on any weaknesses I perceived as doubt. Since I know me, I think that as a parent, I would also feel as though I was the one to blame for the drastic choice. Yes, I KNOW that thought is ridiculous, yes I KNOW that using the word choice is WRONG, but I would still feel that way. And then I would feel terrible because I would think about how you spent so many years unhappy and silent. I may have some guilt issues... I love, love what Ethel said: Realize that someone's immediate reaction (if negative) may well not be where that person ends up. You've been dealing with this for a long time; those you are telling will need time too. I wish I could hug you and tell you that it will all work out, because it WILL all work out. Even if your entire extended family disowns you, you have the support of your husband and the unconditional love of your children. You know who you are, and that is more than many people can say. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I wish you the best on your journey. I think stating with confidence and having information available for them to read later would be helpful. I would not want to be put in a position where you have to be defensive, kind of like the 50 questions about homeschooling. For me, I'm sure there is a whole vocabulary and process I wouldn't understand and might not ask, but would like to know. I would also want to know as a parent what this would change about our relationship and what would change. If they were supportive I would provide materials on how they can explain this to other family and their friends without the gossipy shaming issue attached. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: I will keep you in my prayers as you start on this path and open up to your family about your life. I hope it goes well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 You say that you have been working with a therapist. This is exactly the thing that the therapist can help you with. You need to make a plan. You need to make a 'worst case scenario' plan and a 'middle' and a best case plan. All of these should include some way to make sure that you are safe, emotionally and physically at all times. Is your husband going to be there? Is that going to be a good thing or not? Are you in a support group of any kind? That might be a place to find support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Perhaps this is a really bad idea, but... have you considered writing a letter and sending it right before you go? That way they could process before you get there and get out all the funny faces and possibly overwhelming emotions to have a rational discussion when you arrive? I think I might be more upset at being put on the spot with big news like that than with the actual news itself. (Congratulations! Someone dear to me is trans and is still trying to figure out what that means to their future, so I know how difficult this must be for you.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamaraby Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I have a cousin who came out as transgender a couple of years ago. It was via email and basically just before she transitioned. We had seen her at her mom's funeral just a few months before and could tell that something was different, but given that it was at a funeral and very few people knew she presented as more male. I guess mostly I just wish she had something earlier because she had moved so far away already and had been struggling for so many years. We would have appreciated the chance to have supported her sooner - especially if that might have helped. As it was, everyone (even my grandmother) was supportive and while folks tend to get their pronouns muddled every now and again, we still refer to her by the name she has chosen and by matching pronouns. But, I live in the Midwest and we're mostly a mix of lapsed Lutherans, Congregationalists, Atheists, non-denoms, etc so maybe that won't translate for you. I know I was surprised just how many people in the family didn't really bat an eye. I know the potential exists for things to go badly (and definitely have plans safety-wise), but I still think it's possible for people to surprise you with positive reactions...even in Texas. I hope for you it's more the "how can we support you" variety. "Good luck" seems too flip for something this big, but I do wish that and lots of support for you going forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 I'm not planning on doing anything drastic about my name change. I will change my legal name, probably next fall, but probably still answer to my current first name with family as a nickname and just change the spelling of it (it's a name that can go either way). As far as pronouns, I'll not be making that shift just yet, though I will ask that they not correct the assumptions of strangers. Once I've been on male hormones a while, the way I look will make it easier. I totally get that people will need time to adjust. I don't want it to ruin our vacation, either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamaraby Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I totally get that people will need time to adjust. I don't want it to ruin our vacation, either. Then wait until the last day? Probably not practical and it probably wouldn't help in the long run, but I could see where it could help preserve your vacation a bit if you picked towards the end of the visit to mention something. There's always the first few days of a visit where you're easing back into that person's life and reacquainting with each other just due to the fact that you're not around each other all the time. So maybe not bring it up the first couple of days? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 My nephew is transgendered and one thing I asked him when he announced his change from androgynous to transgender, was which gender pronoun he preferred us to use. He prefers the male pronouns or just to just use his name in place of a pronoun. He started testosterone right after his 18th birthday and had top surgery soon after. He says one thing that surprises him is how open people have become, talking about sex and very personal matters to him since his transition. He feels like, people think that is okay to talk about all kinds of personal stuff with him due to his transition, that they never would have before. He really doesn't care for people offering such personal things about themselves. He would never talk about his personal life with strangers so he feels a bit awkward with people who don't have the same boundaries. He had to find a way to shut people's questions about his own genitalia (surgery questions, affects of drugs etc) with just a polite, but firm 'none of your business' statement. I think that it would help to just tell people ahead of time about the gender pronouns you prefer and if you are going to change your name. One other struggle he had was when he first started dating a man, as a male himself. When he was androgynous, he dated gay women. After his surgery, he fell for a guy. The man had to adjust to the idea that people would see him as gay when he was dating my nephew, even though my nephew still had female genitalia. Luckily the guy is pansexual so he is okay with any further transitions my nephew takes or is accepting of my nephew to say where he is. He did have to adjust his own thoughts on his own 'perceived' orientation though which is something your husband may need to do. There was also the odd revelation that my nephew could get pregnant despite the testosterone (but couldn't take bcp) and he needed to think through the prevention/ramifications of that. Many hugs to you and your family as you make this life choice. I wish you an easy road full of love and support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elfknitter.# Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 No advice, just wanted to add my support. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luckymama Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 We have a family member who is transgendered. He found during his transition that those who were supportive/accepting of other things in his life prior to the announcement (college choice, where to live, etc) continued to be just as supportive and accepting, while those who were not continued to be that way. He lives in a very conservative area, btw. Had no problems whatsoever at his workplace. I'll be thinking of you! I don't know you yet I feel proud of you and happy for you :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 :grouphug: No profound advice here, just lots of support and warm wishes. I hope it goes well with your family, and that they are accepting and loving, and happy that you are going to be *you*. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alef Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I like the idea of writing a letter, though you might wait to present it in person. I have seen in person explanations get off track when emotions ran high on both sides, and things that should have been explained never were. A letter would ensure that you have the chance to explain things as you want to, either before or after an in person discussion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildcat Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I have no suggestions, but wanted to add my support and say that I hope things go well. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kubiac Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 (1) Good for you! (2) If someone shared that with me, I would have a zillion questions. Perhaps you might consider, in advance, what aspects you are ready to talk about and what you might want to say, as well as techniques for signaling to your family that you are open to discussion and conversation, but not to argument, condemnation or dissuasion? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Mousie Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I think you've gotten a lot of good advice so far. I'm so proud of the Hive! ;) Correct me if I'm wrong, of course, but I seem to recall posts in which you refer to "DW#2." If that means there is a third person in your marital situation, and if your family/friends in TX already know about that, then I guess I'd look at how they reacted to that news for clues on how to approach this new news. If they do not know, you may want to continue to omit that information on this trip, so as not to overwhelm anyone. Alternatively, if they respond positively to the transgender news, you may find it cathartic to share with them your whole truth. Someone upthread mentioned a letter, and someone mentioned waiting until the end of the trip. I disagree with both, but only lightly. I don't think either approach will mean disaster, but if it were me, I'd rather get it out in the open by the second day at the latest, and face-to-face, so there is time to address all the questions/ramifications while you're still in the same room. Anyway, like others here have said - I am so happy for you, and will be cheering you on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Just chiming in with support! :grouphug: :hurray: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 :grouphug: what a journey! will your mom have any idea, or will it be a complete surprise? for some people, having an inkling that something is up can help. does she know you are in therapy? if so, a simple "therapy is really helping. a lot has become clear. i'd like to talk about a bit of it with you while i am there." most people handle emotional things better in the morning than at night, so maybe aim for the morning after you get there? in our family, we have "serious talks" in our nook, so if someone says, "i have something to talk about. i'll put the kettle on and meet you in the nook." people come ready for earth shaking news.... or as ready as we can be.... :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 The letter thing has been intriguing me. I know that on a couple of occasions, when I needed to address a hot topic within the extended family, I found when I wrote a letter out, explaining my position, or why I thought something should be handled differently, etc. it really helped me clarify things in my own head, even though I didn't actually have them read the letter. I then, on one occasion, had someone level headed that I trusted, reread my letter and play devil's advocate. I then had to really THINK about how I would handle that type of response. What could I say, intelligently and calmly, to keep the conversation moving in a positive direction, providing clarity and understanding. It really, really helped when I was actually placed in the firing line, so to speak, and the conversation really was productive because I was so mentally prepared. In fact, things came up when my trusted person was playing devil's advocate that I had not even thought about, but that actually DID come up in the real conversation. Not sure any of that helped but there you go.... :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peachskittles Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 This is awesome to hear. My sister transitioned when she was 14, so I never really have had experience with dealing with news of this magnitude. Even as a parent and wondering silently about one of my dear children, I don't think the news would through me off guard. I might need some time to process it (especially if it is not the child I think will be telling me that), but I would accept my children no matter what. I hope your announcement goes over well. It takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing...I spent a lot of time with the transgendered community when I was in my 20s, and I have a great respect for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Okra Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Hugs to you! This is going to be a big event in your life. I don't have any specific advise, but remember that it took you a long time to process this, and it will take other people time to process this also. Even if they are supportive of you, (and hopefully they will be) they will need time also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Realize that someone's immediate reaction (if negative) may well not be where that person ends up. You've been dealing with this for a long time; those you are telling will need time too. Can your spouse be there with you? I agree. Folks may initially react negatively - they need time to process and accept what you tell them. Good luck! (then again - some may say "Duh! About time!" ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 My brother came out as trans pretty young. All hell erupted even in our mostly liberal family. The conservative branches on the family tree took it no better or worse, except for the few people there who have always been more crazy evil than conservative and whose opinions matter not. My parents ultimately and even rapidly accepted him but he came to live with me for awhile. Awhile being the last several years of his teens and high school. Don't take it personally and yes I get how hard that is. Don't hold shock against people years down the line. Personally, I think telling people in small groups or pairs goes better than telling people in a huge group. Some people will ask very inappropriate questions. Don't engage. When I get those questions, I always say that I am no more interested in the details of my brother's sex life than they are interested in their own brother's sex life. I wonder if this isn't an easier thing for people to grasp now vs. 15+ years ago. Good luck. And congrats on figuring this out for yourself. It's not easy, as you well know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeacherZee Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 No real advice but I wanted to add my support to the others here in the thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 It might help to openly acknowledge that this will take everyone some time to get used to and let them know that you will not get bent out of shape if anyone calls you by the wrong pronoun or gets gender specific relationship names (daughter/son, niece/nephew, etc.) mixed up for a while. Do you want them to refer to you as "your Mom" to your dc, or as "your Dad"? Should they refer to your spouse as your dh? Should they call you his dh also? IMO, a lot of the gossip and whispering comes from nervousness over not knowing what to say or how to act. Just state your preferences calmly and let it go at that. Most people will eventually be able to get with the new program. Others won't ever get it. Some out of confusion and others out of stubbornness. My great grandmother, for example, called my cousin by the wrong given name her whole life, because ggma did not like the one the parents chose. If you handle it calmly, with grace and perhaps a bit of humor, it is most likely that they will follow your lead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 My only advice to you, in addition to what others have already suggested, is that you should try not to get defensive or emotional if people react negatively. The news may come as a real shock to your family, and their first reaction may not be pretty, nor will it reflect on how they will deal with your news on a long term basis. Don't start handing out literature or arguing about how no one understands you, because in the beginning, this will probably be an emotional issue for them and even though you're the one with the big news and the huge transition in your life, you need to be the calm and collected one, so they will realize you're serious and that this isn't some sort of whim or phase you're going through. If you want people to accept your decision, self-confident and self-assured are the appearances you need to present (no matter how you're feeling inside.) There will be plenty of time for quiet conversations where you can be more emotional, but when you "drop the bomb," I think you need to let everyone know that you are serious and that you are committed to it. I also think you should be well-prepared for accusations about how you're terribly selfish and that you're messing up your kids, because it makes sense that grandparents would be worried about their grandchildren -- and that's when it may be hardest for you to remain calm. Personally, I would be more concerned with helping your dh and children deal with your transition. Is they truly OK with it? Do your children understand what is going on? Are they in therapy to help them deal with it? While you may have always felt like a male and are finally going to be able to have your exterior appearance reflect that, you are still "Mom" to your kids and you were a woman when your dh married you. I respect your need to make the transition, but I don't envy you the long emotional road you're walking, and I have a lot of sympathy for your dh and kids, because it may be very rough on them. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Just adding my support, hope things go as smoothly as possible. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alef Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 One more thought: I am a fairly conservative person, raising my family in a conservative manner. When someone who in the past held similar beliefs and views makes choices that are counter to my family's fundamental beliefs and values, my relationship to and interactions with that person do change. It has happened more than once in my life. I don't cease to love the person, but the relationship changes when things we used to have in common are no longer shared; growing apart in values leads intentionally or unintentionally to more distance in the relationship. I don't know if this would be applicable to your situation or not, but where religious values are concerned it may. If it is, I would simply suggest remembering that you must make decisions about your own life and they must make decisions about theirs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 I've been taking transition slow and gently. My partners have the attitude that "well, it's your body and your life, so your decision," even though not terribly happy about it. The kids (especially DD) I have been getting used to change gradually, and helping her understand what gender is and how it's different from biological s*x. Recently the 2yo. dubbed me "Mister Mommy." And DD enthusiastically went along with it. I'm really just taking it one day at a time with them. A big factor is that I don't want my issues to mess up their relationships within my extended family. DD is quite close to my mom and one cousin in particular. I've always been forthright and not big on keeping secrets--so my family all know about the polyamorous situation, religious differences, etc. None of them have disowned me for any of that. i learned not to come out while someone is driving because at age 16 I told my mom I was a lesbian while she was driving. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ficbot Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 My older sister is transgender and came out to me when I was 17. At the time, this had never been in the media or popular culture and I had no idea what it was. What she did was take me out for lunch alone and give me a letter to read which explained everything. She sat with me while I read the letter and then answered my questions. It has not always been easy for her. There was some pretty heavy denial from my parents. They did not disown her or anything like that, but I think they felt like if she had enough therapy, they could 'cure' her out of it. There WAS some therapy, and it helped her process the transition, which is a huge adjustment for most people no matter how ready to come out they are. But the therapy was not about 'curing' her into wanting to be a boy again, and it took my parents awhile to figure that out. As for kids, what I always have been told was that they will follow your lead. If you treat it like a big deal, so will they. If you treat it like not a problem, so will they. My dad, with his at the time very young children in the house, presented it to them as strictly a medical issue i.e. that M was born with something wrong with his body which the doctors are fixing. See if you can find the books written by Jennifer Finney Boylan, they are memoirs of her transition as a parent with young kids, and with a spouse who stayed with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 I've been taking transition slow and gently. My partners have the attitude that "well, it's your body and your life, so your decision," even though not terribly happy about it. The kids (especially DD) I have been getting used to change gradually, and helping her understand what gender is and how it's different from biological s*x. Recently the 2yo. dubbed me "Mister Mommy." And DD enthusiastically went along with it. I'm really just taking it one day at a time with them. A big factor is that I don't want my issues to mess up their relationships within my extended family. DD is quite close to my mom and one cousin in particular. I've always been forthright and not big on keeping secrets--so my family all know about the polyamorous situation, religious differences, etc. None of them have disowned me for any of that. i learned not to come out while someone is driving because at age 16 I told my mom I was a lesbian while she was driving. :tongue_smilie: It sounds like you're doing everything you can to make this as easy as possible for the people around you. I hope they are doing everything they can to make it easier on you, too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 My only advice would be to allow time for their emotions to run the gamut. This was a process for you that likely took years to embrace fully & this will be a process for your family and friends too. Give them time to come to terms with your decision & know it will work through in stages as it has for you. Those who love you will continue to love you unconditionally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 My only advice would be to allow time for their emotions to run the gamut. This was a process for you that likely took years to embrace fully & this will be a process for your family and friends too. Give them time to come to terms with your decision & know it will work through in stages as it has for you. Those who love you will continue to love you unconditionally. :iagree: And if they aren't supportive right away, please try not to be too upset about it or feel like they are abandoning you, because people can act pretty strangely and negatively when they hear unexpected news -- and later on, they usually feel very regretful about it and wish they had been much nicer. So even if the responses are negative at first, I'll bet your family will come around once they get used to the idea. Just give them some time -- this is Big Stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 Just wanted to wish you the best of luck! I know keeping secrets from family can be difficult...but revealing them sometimes seems even harder! I respect you so much for having the courage to live your life on your terms. Really, that is huge. We all, I think, teach our children to "be who you are." Don't be a phony, don't pretend to be something you are not. But will we really listen when they try to tell us who that is. I hope so. At least that is the kind of parent I aspire to be. Will be keeping lots of good thoughts for you as you continue your journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenNC Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 Best wishes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Buckin' Longhorn Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 Congratulations to you for finding clarity in your needs and reaching for them. So few people in this world get to that place. I have been through this with someone very close to me. I am just about the farthest thing from conservative and shamelessly without religion. I even suspected it for many years before the person confirmed it to me, and I was still shocked. So please just understand that shock isn't always disagreement or disapproval, it really can just be shock. What really helped both me and this person "get on with it" was just that the person allowed me to ask questions off and on for a few months. I couldn't really think of everything I wanted to know all at one time. I needed a few weeks to get used to the idea. This person didn't get all defensive and offended every time I wanted to talk about it. They understood that I was processing a major change in our relationship. As for you, never apologize. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. You can express regret that someone is in shock, or is hurting, or having a hard time accepting this change, but do not apologize for who you are and what you are doing. You are taking care of you, and that is incredibly important. It would do us all some good to learn that lesson. Best wishes on your journey and good luck breaking it to the folks. Big hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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