Tiramisu Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 She is my even-tempered, compliant one, and I had no idea she felt this way. :( Is it because she's 13? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Yes. Being 13 is hard on the individual and everyone around them. I can't imagine being a middle school teacher. It gets better truly, but not overnight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helena Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Oh man, that stinks. :grouphug: 13 is an interesting year for some girls. I'm getting ready to do it again, but it feels like we're already in the thick of it. Sometimes girls need to say extreme things that aren't exactly accurate to start a much needed dialogue. I did that one last night. And one for your daughter, because it's all very hard sometimes. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree Frog Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 yes. I think if I hadn't allowed my dd to return to school about that age, she would have told me the same thing. As it is now, she wishes she still homeschooled. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live2Ride Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 I can only imagine how that made you feel. That's awful. My sincerest hugs go to you. My DD and I are going through a seriously rough time right now. I thought it was getting better, but it really hasn't. Some of it is her personality (negative nancy and all that-I have a hard time with those types)...we are currently at a crossroad with her and will probably enroll her next week. I've tried to be patient for the last 3 years with this and it's not getting any better...she's just getting nastier. It came to a head last night and of course the guilt trip was thick yet again this morning with the "I'm just letting you know that if you send me to school, I will loose all respect for you". I just gently reminded her that I thought she'd already done that since I heard it a number of times in a number of variations recently.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdrinca Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 It's my biggest fear. We have the potential for such a virtuous cycle: home is awesome, school is awesome, family is awesome. And then the potential for a vicious cycle is so scary... Good luck. At 13, I would have disliked almost everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 A teen can say the most hurtful things. Though she may mean it at that moment, she may change her views with reflection, time, and maturity. Still, it stinks. What an awful thing to hear... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Yes. When my dd was 13, she accused me of singlehandedly inventing Algebra for the sole purpose of making her life miserable. :grouphug: According to ds1 and my own parents, I should have much more cheerful and "inspiring" things to say to moms who are in the trenches with their teens after her "surprise" visit next week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristineP Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Yes. 13. I feel your pain. It gets better. Just don't take it personally and make sure to keep loving them. They need it now more than ever!! Having a thick skin yourself helps and a lousy memory :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 For a 13 year old, a lot of things can ruin her day. I would not take it too seriously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Along with everyone else, I agree that 13 is a tough age, whether your child is in ps or homeschooling or whatever, I have so many friends really struggling with their relationships with 13 year olds (and most have their kids in ps, so homeschooling wasn't the issue no matter what your DD says). Big hugs. I know this isn't easy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DB in NJ Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Yes, it could dedinitely be the age. 13-15 is rough! Some things I made sure to do with my girl at that age might help. For starters, I "dated" her. I would take her for a pedicure or out for fries or a coffee or a piece of cake. Just us having girl time. I didn't want to be just her teacher. In other words, I spoke her love language to her. Another thing was I started asking for her opinion and input more. It made her feel valued and important, because she is. Hang in there! This too shall pass. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 It's not you. It's the 13. Try not to take ANYTHING she says while upset too personally. It's like toddlerhood all over again with a much more expressive vocabulary. Try to think of homeschooling as the bath your two-year-old didn't want to take and it'll be less upsetting. For my daughter, 14 and 15 were a bit emotionally volatile. I couldn't ask for an easier, more reasonable teen but she just wasn't herself for a good two years. 16 has been delightful and I have high hopes for 17 which begins Friday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I am so sorry. Age 13 can be really hard, with or without homeschooling. My middle son also blames homeschooling for deterioration in our relationship. He basically saw me as the one who was always on his case. This was one thing that came out in his mental health treatment. So, as a senior, we have outsourced practically everything and we are working on rebuilding the relationship by having things in common that are not about school and not about me having to tell him what to do. You may need to work on building your relationship with things in common where you are not the expert overseer. Dd and I volunteer at an animal shelter together and we both rock climb. I have had to not be "her boss" in these situations. Ds plans to volunteer at the same shelter (but not at the same time) so we can talk dogs:). Dh and I are both starting to take guitar so we have more in common with ds, who plays. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I think it could definitely be her age. My youngest is a girl and I could see some changes in her when puberty hit. I also know girls who are absolutely delightful to everyone, but real turds to their moms. I was one of those. :) My mom is one of my best friends now. Try to love her as she is, which might not be easy, but oh so important for the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I'm sorry. 13 year olds can say some hurtful things. I know- my oldest said the same thing when she was 13. Hurled all kinds of awful things. She's now homeschooling her own children and we have a great relationship. We laugh about it now...but then she looks at her girls and shudders because she knows what might be coming. I'm so mad at people who made me think terrible twos were the most difficult part of parenting. I was so blindsides when the teen years hit. I survived but without drinking, it was difficult!! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 When I read your thread title, I thought, "I'll bet the dd is 13-14." :grouphug: Listen mindfully to what she has to say, nurture and protect your relationship, and know that she's at a stage where she's starting to separate from you and sometimes it will be difficult and painful for both of you. What is it particularly that makes her feel like homeschooling is affecting your relationship? I particularly liked the suggestions of pp about asking her to share her thoughts and opinions on things and choosing activities to do together so that you're not always in charge. It allows her to feel valued, and it also allows her opportunities to work and express her thoughts in partnership with you instead of in opposition. When my dd's were 13-15. I would hear them say things that I knew I'd said to my own mother when I was that age, so certain that I was right. Periodically, as they went through this stage, I called my mother to apologize for being SO unreasonable. Better late than never. :grouphug: Hang in there, momma. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueTaelon Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 *hugs* I have a 13YO dd too and its HARD. I don't know how were going to survive her teen years:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 In addition to reminding yourself that, as KungPuPanda pointed out, it's like toddlerhood all over again (literally - the brain growth is quite similar!) she has zero perspective. How would she know how school might have been different for the two of you with her limited 13 yo perspective on the world? She simply doesn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: She won't think that forever. In fact, she probably won't next year... next week... in an hour... You get the idea. Its definitely the age. BTDT and thick skin helps (not that I have thick skin...). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I fought (yelled, screamed, etc) with my mom from 12-14 then was her best friend. Emily Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I don't have any kids that age, but I remember being thirteen. I was PSed, and at the time, I was pretty sure that my mom trying to speak to me ever or coming within a fifty foot radius of me was ruining our relationship. ;) It's a tough age. I'm planning to freeze my dd in some kind of cryogenic containment unit before she hits her teens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Can I be brutally honest? Assuming the answer is "yes".... Please listen to her. It absolutely almost ruined mine and my daughter's relationship. I am eternally grateful that we listened to her (she is in a private school this year); our relationship has improved 100%. The day she said "I just need you to be my mom; not my teacher, just my mom", was the day I knew she was serious. I know it isn't going to be a popular opinion on this board, but there it is, regardless. *hugs* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomOfOneFunOne Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 She is my even-tempered, compliant one, and I had no idea she felt this way. :( Is it because she's 13? AMDG On a Wednesday after adoration, my precious daughter, 13 at that time, told me that she had prayed that we would die at the same time so that neither of us would have to live without the other. On Thursday, the very next day, she told me that she could not bear to live under the same roof with me for one more second and would be moving to an orphanage in Chicago to take care of the children there b/c she knew what it was like not to have a real mother. For the record, I gave birth to her. Yesterday, she was planning how I'd live with her and help rear and homeschool her children. Today I'm trying to ruin her life. sigh . . . I love her. She loves me. We love each other. As mad as she was with me 2 hours ago, she is asleep in my bed right now with a little preciousy saliva drooly drops in the corner of her mouth and a cat on her head. sigh . . . Mary is the Mother of God and has 7 Sorrows. I'm the mother of a merely human girl. I suppose my sorrows will be innumerable. But I think my joys will be innumerable + infinity. 14 is so small compared to innumerable + infinity. Love wins. hang in there. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I'm sorry, that's tough to hear! My girls all went through a phase at some point in their teens when they were very sensitive to everything I said. Not just sensitive, but would interpret things in an exaggerated way or negatively, even if it wasn't meant that way at all. During those periods I learned I had to choose my words much more carefully so they would feel valued and their opinions validated. I had to compliment them much more often! We're a fairly easy-going, good-natured bunch so it was weird to go through these phases. It meant a lot to them to have me ask them how they felt about something, ask for their opinion, and respond positively toward what they had to say. For example, if there is some kind of a problem, instead of TELLING them what to do, ask them respectfully what THEY think they should do about it. And instead of putting their response down right away if it doesn't sound like a good solution, see if there is something positive you can say about it first. I can't tell you how much that means to them. Then you can gently move on to your ideas, but more of a "maybe we could..." instead of "you should..." Anyway, just some food for thought. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 youngest of four turns 14 tomorrow. with her older sisters, the only thing worse than13 was 14. oh boy..... i love what momofonefunone said :). love wins. i try to catch them being good. i try to offer choices when that makes sense. however, just this afternoon i heard myself say, "i don't know what to do. i have given you choices. you haven't chosen. if you don't choose now, i will choose for you." and so i did. "math it is. let's go." "i'm not going to do anything". "doing nothing is not one of the choices. let's go." and she picked up the cat and SANG cheerfully as she came down the hall to the school room. may she have many daughters ;) ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LLMom Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I have an almost 13 yr old dd. We have butted heads for quite awhile. Our relstionship has improved since sending her to school. She just does better with someone else being her teacher. She is my 3rd dd. First was sweet until age 12 and got better around 15. 2nd dd at almost 15 is still sweet so some of it is personality...then throw in hormones and bad hair days! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 This was one of the big reasons we switched from traditional homeschooling to one of the online public schools. I had reached the end of my rope and was out of ideas regarding how to improve the situation. My 14yo dd was miserable and so was I. I think we both needed me to be her mother and not her teacher. I realized that if I continued trying to homeschool her, it would do irreparable damage to our relationship and the bottom line was that our academics were just not up to my standards. Too many power struggles and passive aggression to allow for much learning. While I am not overjoyed with the online school, our relationship is better now. And I do think my dd has learned to be more accountable for herself now that she can't blame things on me. Her academics have improved and I feel that she is learning. She has mentioned that she misses our more relaxed schedule from traditional homeschool, but I think this new system will serve her better in the long run for PSEO and university, where the instructors are not much inclined to tailor their class to the calendar of one individual student. I really lamented the loss of our traditional homeschooling and had to deal with feelings of failure. I was surprised to find how much of my self worth and identity were caught up in homeschooling. But I got over myself and we are planning to apply for PSEO this spring. It will be very interesting to me to see if my hopes and theories about online school being a good intermediate step prove correct. This is what worked for my family. Your family may do equally well or better by working through the teen issues and staying the traditional homeschooling course. I posted my experience only to let others know that there is no shame in evaluating and changing course if your current one is not working. The deciding factor should (IMO) be the quality of the child's education. Where we have to go to obtain the optimal one may vary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 You all don't know how much I needed this thread right now. Yep, 13. I think January doesn't help much, either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Yes. When my dd was 13, she accused me of singlehandedly inventing Algebra for the sole purpose of making her life miserable. This is priceless. Although I have one who probably thinks the same way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethB Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 When my dd was 13, she accused me of singlehandedly inventing Algebra for the sole purpose of making her life miserable. . My almost 12 year old currently does not like the people who came up with Latin and math, LOL. She is at the end of Singapore 6 and solving for equations and not happy with Algebra, either. I haven't been blamed for Algebra yet but I can see it happening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 While it very well mostly likely is that she is 13, I wouldn't be quick to dismiss her. Even if homeschooling is a non-negotiable, I would try and find ways to address her concern and stated opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 OP: I read a few of the replies in this thread. There is a lot of good advice in the ones I read. My DD is also 13. After we "brought her home" and she began as a Distance Learning student, our family relationship improved greatly. My wife believes that is one of the best reasons (among many outstanding reasons) for having a child at home, and Home Schooling or Distance Learning.Possibly at this time, you and your DD might discuss the possibility of her staying at home, but instead of you HSing her, that you outsource her education and that she becomes a Distance Learning student. That puts the stress of studying that she receives on others. It also greatly reduces the amount of time that you need to devote to her studies. GL to you and your DD! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripley Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 :grouphug: I'm so encouraged to hear it's the age ... and then discouraged to see that this bump in the road might last longer than I may have tolerance for ... I was hoping it ended at the 14th birthday. LOL I hope you and your daughter find a good middle ground WRT schooling and your relationship - sooner than later. I'd be heartbroken to hear those words, even if I shared an inkling of the feeling. (And I do, I'm a single mom and we've enjoyed an especially close relationship - he's even very protective of our relationship ... and yet, he's getting on my nerves and I feel like homeschool may start negatively influencing our relationship because we can't all be hormonal on the same day .... and I haven't really found any planner capable of scheduling that.) Yes. When my dd was 13, she accused me of singlehandedly inventing Algebra for the sole purpose of making her life miserable. If I ever do find out it was you who did that ..... :boxing_smiley: I hated it when I was the student, and still haven't found the love as its teacher. My teen-ager has always disliked math. It could be picking up my own anti-math vibes, and I've had to work on that. But it wasn't until I started shorting him change that he learned the importance of math. He likes to buy things on-line so he gives me cash to cover the cost, and I purchase using my credit card. I decided to skim off the top to see if he'd notice. It took him over four months and $90 to realize I had been shorting him. He was saving for a big-ticket item and mentally had one idea of what his money situation was; when he brought me his money to make the big purchase, I counted it and he was almost $100 short and couldn't figure out why. I told him it was because he hated math more than he liked having his money. And it was true! Now that he's earning a "real" income, he sees the value in it. He's paid in cash by multiple sources, and accidents happen. So do intentional shortings :ph34r: - and now he knows. And he still hates math, but he complains about it less. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Can I be brutally honest? Assuming the answer is "yes".... Please listen to her. It absolutely almost ruined mine and my daughter's relationship. I am eternally grateful that we listened to her (she is in a private school this year); our relationship has improved 100%. The day she said "I just need you to be my mom; not my teacher, just my mom", was the day I knew she was serious. I know it isn't going to be a popular opinion on this board, but there it is, regardless. *hugs* My kids have done both brick and mortar and then homeschooling and I have many friends who have done both, but some did it the reverse of me. What I have found is that every child and family is different and what works for one may not work for another. And nothing is set in stone. What works for now, may not work in the future. AimeeM, you may not be voicing the most popular opinion on a board like this, but it isn't an invalid one by any means. Sometimes separation, complete physical separation, for education at this age, does work really, really well. Doesn't mean they have to go to ps forever. Maybe just a year or so, to get some space and reevaluate. Some kids thrive in that environment. Kids can always come home again if it isn't working out, and putting them in ps, even temporarily, doesn't mean that homeschooling failed or someone is a bad parent or the child is impossible to teach, It just means this is a different season and may require different choices and options. Oh, and irregardless of what anyone thinks of Mel Gibson, I thought this story might apply to the thread: I remember vividly him doing an interview once when he and his now ex- 1st wife were expecting their last child. The child wasn't really planned and the other kids were quite a bit older, many already teenagers. The interviewer was kind of teasing him about having to start over with diapers and potty training and the terrible twos. He said that he could handle all of that again without any issues at all. He just really, really didn't want to face another teenager..... :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I think you will have to seek wisdom and balance and discernment for your own family situation. What is in the balance is that teens are separating from their parents. This sometimes comes out in comments that are hurtful and that they don't mean. However, there is no doubt that having mom wear the hats of both teacher and mom does make that process more difficult in some ways. Whether or not that crosses the line in your family is a judgment call. Sometimes it is simply true that homeschooling is the wrong choice for that teen at that time and the teen is communicating important information to you. So I would encourage you to listen without being threatened. Parenting is hard and there is no play book that predicts the right thing to do in all circumstances for each child. If anyone tells you there is, run! Each child is unique and even within the same family, each parent-child relationship is unique. Personally, I would be very wary of forcing a teen who did not want to homeschool to do so unless there were really specific reasons (teen had special needs and school couldn't meet them, there were no schools with reasonable educational offerings--not "the best" but "reasonable" ,etc. But in a typical scenario where schools are at least decent, and the kid is within normal range more or less, I think the risk is greatest on the side of forcing homeschooling. In your situation, I would ride it out a bit and see whether that is a fairly consistent theme or just moodiness. If after that, I was not sure, and she was still saying that homeschooling is affecting the relationship, I would likely opt for outside schooling . I am not someone who thinks that homeschooling is the only right choice, however. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I'm sorry, mama. (((hugs))) I have a 13 year old boy right now, but I have been a 13 year old girl, and I have lived to tell through one 13 year old dd's "bad years", which were about 13-15. My 13 year old ds is very emotional right now. He cries and struggles and has no insight. He kind of seems like a big ball of arms, legs and hormones. Yesterday, I just hugged him while he cried. I could feel that he didn't really want his mama to hug him, but that is what I know to do. FTR, he has been my compliant child, as well. He has been pretty mouthy lately, though, and I take that as a normal developmental stage combined with hormones. One thing I feel good about doing is keeping a running dialog with my two boys about their workload, the subjects studied, how we structure our homeschooling, assignments, co op classes, etc. I actively solicit their feedback about how things are going in these areas. I ask them if they want to make any changes. Ds said that the Stanford test makes him so nervous. He has taken it two years in a row, so I told him he could absolutely skip it this year. I try to be responsive to him and to give him the ability to give meaningful feedback and input on how we structure school. He has no desire to attend any school, public or private. He is just struggling to break out of the chrysalis into being a young man, as all do. Does your dd want to attend school? Do you have a strong relationship overall? I agree with asking for specifics and listening very carefully. It think what is important will float to the top. In my experience with my 18 yo dd, many words may need to be used before you get down to brass tacks. :) But if she perceives you as open to her feedback, I would imagine that you will eventually get the information you need to know how to proceed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 I think you will have to seek wisdom and balance and discernment for your own family situation. ... ...Personally, I would be very wary of forcing a teen who did not want to homeschool to do so unless there were really specific reasons (teen had special needs and school couldn't meet them, there were no schools with reasonable educational offerings--not "the best" but "reasonable" ,etc. But in a typical scenario where schools are at least decent, and the kid is within normal range more or less, I think the risk is greatest on the side of forcing homeschooling. In your situation, I would ride it out a bit and see whether that is a fairly consistent theme or just moodiness. If after that, I was not sure, and she was still saying that homeschooling is affecting the relationship, I would likely opt for outside schooling . I am not someone who thinks that homeschooling is the only right choice, however. Laurie4b's post had reminded me that not too long ago I prayed a very serious prayer. When we were first discerning whether to homeschool or not many years ago, my prayer was that God would make it very clear if this is what he wanted us to do and that he would change my dh's heart. That prayer was answered so directly in a way I never expected. A situation came up that really gave us no choice and dh was the one who recognized it first. Fastforward to now and this dd could go to high school next year, the one where dh teaches. She and I haven't really been sure what was best for her for high school, so dh decided to put in an application just in case a couple of weeks ago. When he made the application, I remembered that answered prayer from years before about whether or not to homeschool, so I decided to pray that way again. And now I think that my prayer was answered. Dh's high school is a good one. There are many good opportunities for her there, and she will have the chance to meet kids that have things in common with her, which we have felt the lack of in our homeschool community. She has mixed feelings but is becoming more and more positive about the idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 13 was hard with dd1, but 13 and 14 were much harder with ds1. Finally, I told him to read the Teenage Liberation Handbook and get back to me on his plans for his life. He took me seriously and we really changed "how" we homeschooled. I called myself a facilitator and he set his own deadlines for doing things. I occasionally reminded him of deadlines, but that was it. We both learned the art of compromise and worked together toward his goal. School can be just what one kid needs or it can be a temporary solution. I hated my mother at 13 and tried very hard to never be home. Things got better, but being able to create a very separate life from my family with school and lots of extracurriculars didn't improve our relationship, just made it more superficial. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saddlemomma Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Yes, it could dedinitely be the age. 13-15 is rough! Some things I made sure to do with my girl at that age might help. For starters, I "dated" her. I would take her for a pedicure or out for fries or a coffee or a piece of cake. Just us having girl time. I didn't want to be just her teacher. In other words, I spoke her love language to her. Another thing was I started asking for her opinion and input more. It made her feel valued and important, because she is. Hang in there! This too shall pass. My DD (11) and I do this. In fact, just yesterday she asked if we could have another lunch date soon (about once a month or so). We also have "girls' night" if DH has a meeting to go to or is away for business. This involves popcorn and movies in our pajamas. Maybe you could try something like this, if you haven't already? Maybe take her out to lunch and ask her in a heartfelt manner, "What exactly do you want?" "You don't want to go to PS, but homeschooling with negative attitudes isn't working either." "What do you suggest?" "Let's talk about options you think would make you feel less negative and improve our relationship." Something I also did with my oldest when she turned 13 was to go away with just her for a weekend each summer. At the time we lived in VT, and we would go to Burlington (big city to us). We would stay in a nice hotel with a pool/hot tub, go out for dinner at the Outback, and spend the evening at Barnes and Noble (we are both HUGE book fans.). The next day we would go shopping at the mall--just two "women" hanging out together. We did this 3 summers in a row. My oldest still talks about those times and my youngest is eagerly looking forward to our trips together when she turns 13. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I want to clarify - in jr. high, I really wanted to be like my peers and, from what I knew, they all hated their parents, so I wanted to hate mine, too. Then, in early high school, I got "dumped" by my group of friends and went through depression. What happened then was I no longer cared to be popular, which, to me, required rejecting my parents. I think we had the foundation of a great family and a strong family culture of love and having fun together. If such a culture hadn't existed, maybe I wouldn't have wanted to be part of my family come high school, maybe I would have just looked for a different rebellious group o friends. I think it could go either way - maybe it is homeschooling, maybe it is the flu in your house (right, you posted someone was sick?), maybe it is the lack of sunlight, maybe there is something you can tweak in homeschooling. My son and I have some power struggles that I regret come evening and am trying to work on. I could see those being problematic if we don't work on them. Emily Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Laurie4b's post had reminded me that not too long ago I prayed a very serious prayer. When we were first discerning whether to homeschool or not many years ago, my prayer was that God would make it very clear if this is what he wanted us to do and that he would change my dh's heart. That prayer was answered so directly in a way I never expected. A situation came up that really gave us no choice and dh was the one who recognized it first. Fastforward to now and this dd could go to high school next year, the one where dh teaches. She and I haven't really been sure what was best for her for high school, so dh decided to put in an application just in case a couple of weeks ago. When he made the application, I remembered that answered prayer from years before about whether or not to homeschool, so I decided to pray that way again. And now I think that my prayer was answered. Dh's high school is a good one. There are many good opportunities for her there, and she will have the chance to meet kids that have things in common with her, which we have felt the lack of in our homeschool community. She has mixed feelings but is becoming more and more positive about the idea. So glad there is a viable option that you feel is a good one. Prayers go with you on this new journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 So glad there is a viable option that you feel is a good one. Prayers go with you on this new journey. Oh, my. We're going to really need prayers. Something very big came up today with dd3 who is in ps. She told me some of the things that are going on in her new school and how much she hates being there. She was the one who loved ps at the elementary level. But now she's in a middle school that reminded me of a prison, quite honestly, when we visited there. Cinder block square with classrooms with no windows or very narrow ones. Dark. Very rigid. And a mess socially. To make the decision to bring this one home again would not be an easy one, much harder than anything I could imagine school-wise. One going off to school and another one possibly coming home? I thought life might actually get easier. :crying: It's been a crazy couple of days. One day at a time, and a lot of prayer. Deep breath. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Laurie4b's post had reminded me that not too long ago I prayed a very serious prayer. When we were first discerning whether to homeschool or not many years ago, my prayer was that God would make it very clear if this is what he wanted us to do and that he would change my dh's heart. That prayer was answered so directly in a way I never expected. A situation came up that really gave us no choice and dh was the one who recognized it first. Fastforward to now and this dd could go to high school next year, the one where dh teaches. She and I haven't really been sure what was best for her for high school, so dh decided to put in an application just in case a couple of weeks ago. When he made the application, I remembered that answered prayer from years before about whether or not to homeschool, so I decided to pray that way again. And now I think that my prayer was answered. Dh's high school is a good one. There are many good opportunities for her there, and she will have the chance to meet kids that have things in common with her, which we have felt the lack of in our homeschool community. She has mixed feelings but is becoming more and more positive about the idea. Hmmmm this would have even tempted me to send mine! Your dd may be able to grow up in her communication to you about going to school with a little non-threatening communication from you. Is there a way you can tell her that she can say what she really wants straightforward, without drama? When I wanted my dc to cough up what they really wanted I would say "there is no wrong answer, just tell me." With teens, conflict and/or wanting to please brings some disjointed emotional ramble, and I hope that is what you got earlier. If you open the door for her to spill her thoughts, you both could move into a more grown up way of relating. Its worth a shot anyway. Best wishes to all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 :grouphug: Sometimes girls need to say extreme things that aren't exactly accurate to start a much needed dialogue. I did that one last night. I get this. Sometimes kids don't know what to say, can't put their finger on exactly what they are feeling, so they start with something basic like you're ruining my life! or I hate you! LOL (not!) While it very well mostly likely is that she is 13, I wouldn't be quick to dismiss her. Even if homeschooling is a non-negotiable, I would try and find ways to address her concern and stated opinion. I agree with this. Because of the relationship I had with my parents, it drives me batty when people just assume that it is the kid's fault or the fault of their age or stage when kids express a problem with their parents. I think it mostly bothers me because that becomes the end of the discussion. I think most of the time problems are caused by the dynamics between both parties in the relationship, for better or worse, no blame assigned. Of course, sometimes it is the parents who are the problem. I am not saying this is the case here (obviously we don't even know you!), but easy dismissals based on hormones and puberty just are not always fair or accurate. I remember saying terrible things to my parents in anger. And probably when I first said them, I didn't mean them. But after years of them talking at me and past me, but never with me...I started to mean them. Even now, as a grown woman, I know I meant them. But it wasn't just my words that were damaging to our relationship, no matter how mean those words were. It was the dynamic. It was the feelings that were never addressed, both ways. So maybe these feelings are cropping up because of age and hormones, but I wouldn't let that be the end of the story. There has been some great advice on this thread from those who have walked the path. I think most teens would benefit if parents followed it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 I can see how people might have interpreted my original post as though I was relating there was some tension between dd and I, but there really doesn't seem to be. Of course, there must be some on her side. The way she's expressed it is that my merely asking her about how her work is coming along is something that causes her stress. We never fight. She is very rarely ever mouthy. I never have reason to criticize her. If another dd had said the same thing, I wouldn't necessarily have been surprised. I was upset because it came from her and our relationship has always been harmonious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LLMom Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Oh, my. We're going to really need prayers. Something very big came up today with dd3 who is in ps. She told me some of the things that are going on in her new school and how much she hates being there. She was the one who loved ps at the elementary level. But now she's in a middle school that reminded me of a prison, quite honestly, when we visited there. Cinder block square with classrooms with no windows or very narrow ones. Dark. Very rigid. And a mess socially. To make the decision to bring this one home again would not be an easy one, much harder than anything I could imagine school-wise. One going off to school and another one possibly coming home? I thought life might actually get easier. :crying: It's been a crazy couple of days. One day at a time, and a lot of prayer. Deep breath. Is it possible she just has had a bad week or a bad start back after the holidays? I would give it a bit of time with a lot of talking to flesh out the details. Kids this age are notorious for a quick change of emotions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 Is it possible she just has had a bad week or a bad start back after the holidays? I would give it a bit of time with a lot of talking to flesh out the details. Kids this age are notorious for a quick change of emotions. Well, since I brought up the other issue because of something that happened today. I'm not sure which dd you mean. Maybe both!!! The plan for dd2 to go to dh's high school was something that was part of the plan since we started hsing. Our oldest didn't go because she had been in ps and really preferred hsing. But it was sort of understood that dd2 would go but since hsing was going well, we thought we could just continue to hs as we did with our oldest. Besides the new questions about our relationship, the high school option was put back on the table this year since she's really having a hard time meeting friends who share her interests. Now, if you mean dd3. Yes, she's sick, but there are some nasty social things going on. Honestly, knowing what I know now, I don't want her there but I'd rather not have her home all day either. Bringing her home is a question I'd need to approach very cautiously. She is not an easy kid and having her at home again will not just affect me but the other kids. I know that sounds cruel but we went through a lot and I have to balance everyone's needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 Just wanted to say thank you for everyone who has participated in this counselling session! It's been a rough couple of days. Earlier this afternoon I thought my head would explode with some information I got. Now, I'm feeling palpitations like I haven't in many years even though I've calmed down a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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