Dealing with older people and new ways of parenting

[Moxie]

My Dad is in his 50's. He is a good Grandpa and likes hanging out with the kids when we visit them.

 

My boys both have sensory issues.

 

When trying to discuss this with my Dad, he reacts like some old geezer on a TV show. "Everybody's got something now days. In my day we'd say they were spoiled/naughty etc.". He seems to think this is all made up. Why would you think that?? What could I possibly have to gain by putting this label on the boys?? I truly do not understand why he (and other older people) are offended by these new discoveries?!?

[Tangerine]

People sometimes seem to resent the fact that others have it "easier" than they did. So instead of a spanking, your children get accommodation for their difficulties. For some reason, this is unfair. I once saw someone nearly lose it over the fact that people don't have to peel potatoes in the Navy anymore. Not because peeling potatoes offered an invaluable leaning experience. Just because it was unfair. Because THEY had to peel potatoes.

[Dory]

It's hard for older people to comprehend how something that didn't really exist in their world growing up, is suddenly fairly common. And well it was there, there was just no label, it's hard to see that from their side of it perhaps. It helped my Grandpa understand when I pointed out someone that he knew that always had some things that they had just considered weird and pointed out that perhaps it wasn't weird so much as they hadn't understood yet what made a person that way. I had to do that with a few people before he could understand that it wasn't something new, it was just that we understood it better now a days.

[Catwoman]

I'm just trying to get past the part where someone in his fifties is considered OLD. :eek: :svengo: :eek:

[Starr]

We old geezers don't get this new fangled kid stuff.  :lol:

 

 

[Moxie]

I said "older" NOT "old"!!!

[Mommyof4ks]

Honestly, we do not know how all of these labels and work arounds will affect our kids in the future, so I try not to make assumptions that I know more than the older generations. My ds has sensory issues and dyslexia, so I too have chosen to label my child. My dad grew up with the same issues, but he does not have labels, and he is doing fine without them. He graduated high school, owns his own business, and is a great guy, so my grandparents apparently did something right.

 

As for what to say to him, just tell him you do not want to discuss it. Like all parenting decisions right or wrong (and again there is no way to know until a child is grown, so it is tricky), it is up to us as parents to make them.

[Dory]

For some reason the 50's part didn't click in my head. When I saw older I thought of my grandparents who are in their late 80's and early 90's. My apologies to all the NOT OLD people who I have insulted. lol

[Joker]

I think it just takes them a bit longer to get used to new things. My mom was very upset that she couldn't hold my oldest dd (her first grandchild) in the car when she first came to visit. I remember thinking she was crazy, but it was just something new. Our parents got over those things quickly when we didn't really make a big deal about them and didn't waver.

[Peaceful Isle]

I think new things scare some people , be it computers, newer health condition, what have you. I have learned to not take it personal when a loved ones acts like they don't believe you, ya know? It can and does hurt, though. You might even try to keep explaining yourself to him over and over, to no avail. Some people just don't want to get it. It's sad.

I'm glad he's a great grandpa, though. Maybe you could just try to set up quiet activities for them when he comes over.

Anyways, don't let it hurt you that he doesn't believe you. It's not your fault. Hugs.

[Camelfeet]

I don't think its just old people.  I think there are lots of younger people/parents who feel this way as well.  :/

 

I would just not talk about it with him.   

[kroe1]

I think it might be because when spanking became passé, suddenly all these new diagnoses started popping up. Perhaps it is merely a coincidence, or perhaps the old geezers are correct. Only time will tell.

 

Similar remarks are made by us old geezers who feel there is no magic pill for "life sucks", but see so many Americans chewing up depression medications.

 

We lived in a different time. So be it.

[ondreeuh]

Yeah ... this morning I agreed to my dad's plan to visit in the summer. He suggested a couple days, I said up to a week. After a pretty awful tantrum this evening from my 6 year old (who has a mood disorder), I am certain that this is a ridiculous plan. My father likes to rant that "kids these days just manipulate their parents!" My youngest drives him c-r-a-z-y because my dad just thinks he's spoiled, and he thinks he can "help" by setting my son straight. I should start looking at hotel accommodations.

[Liz CA]

I'm just trying to get past the part where someone in his fifties is considered OLD. :eek: :svengo: :eek:

 

Yes, thank you very much.

I just view this as communicating that in his youth, these things were not diagnosed and indeed, a child may have been labeled spoiled or whatever. Why not just suggest how he can best explain, talk, interact with kids who have those issues?

 

[gardenmom5]

and I get that from a twenty-something year old about dudeling. (I'm in my 50's)  it's not an "age" thing.  even my 87yo mil has come to acknowledge the differences in what is known now vs when she was rearing her children.

 

you might consider adjusting tactics on how you explain the things that will be most beneficial for your sons based upon their particlar needs.   it's possible your father feels put on the spot, or criticized for how he parented you and your siblings.

 

focus on how you would like him to interact with your sons and let him know you want him to interact with them.   

[Mom in High Heels]

My mom is the same way, though I don't have kids with sensory issues.  She couldn't believe that I was in the no spank camp when I had Indy, but my way has proved quite effective, as he is a sweet, polite kid, who listens to me (most of the time).  There are several other things she doesn't agree with, but as I'm the mom, it's too bad.

 

BTW, I'm 9 years from being 50.  Does that mean I'm almost old?  BTW, for whatever reason, Indy has decided that 57 and a half officially constitutes old.

[TechWife]

For some reason the 50's part didn't click in my head. When I saw older I thought of my grandparents who are in their late 80's and early 90's. My apologies to all the NOT OLD people who I have insulted. lol

 

Ha! My parents are in their 80's! By the end of this year, I'll be the only one in my sibling group who hasn't reached the half-century mark. 

[Rosie_0801]

Maybe they'd rather have spoiled grandchildren because that can be cured.

[Pawz4me]

As an "older" person (sometimes the things I read on this forum do indeed make me feel old, and I'm not talking about the OP's reference to what constitutes "older" :blink:)  -- I think you're very blessed to have a relatively young grandfather in your boys' lives.  If this is the major issue you have with him, you are truly lucky indeed.  As Sadie said, I think it has much more to do with personality than with age.  And I've found that often there is indeed wisdom in what older people have to say.  One can have very good points even if/when one isn't totally "right."  I know in hindsight there were quite a few times I (and my boys) would have benefited if I had been willing to "hear" what my parents were saying when my boys were younger.  As I've aged and gained knowledge and experience I've found that very often there was at least a kernel of truth in their opinions that I disagreed with at the time.  Not always, but often.  And sometimes much more than a kernel.

 

And anecdotal experience to back up the point that it's more personality than age -- my youngest BIL is in his late 30's.  And he is the most opinionated, "my opinion is right and anybody who disagrees with me is an idiot" type of person you could possibly meet.  My MIL is 79 and much, much more open minded than he is.

[marbel]

My mom would be 97 if she were alive today.  She died when my kids were pretty little, but she understood that pretty much everything, including parenting methods and medical  diagnoses, had changed a lot over the years.  She was very open to new methods and ways of dealing with kids.   She was the one who told me not to push potty-training, even though she was of the generation that used punishment to have kids potty-trained by age 2.   She applauded my decision to nurse my kids for over a year, even though I was born during the "better living through chemistry" years and formula was the way to go.  She thought homeschooling was a fabulous idea.

 

My in-laws are 75 and they don't understand much of anything. If something isn't done the way it was when they were young, it's wrong, and that's that.  Nursing for more than a few months?  Homeschooling?  Bah!  What is this world coming to?

 

It's not age.  It's having an open mind and accepting the fact that the world changes.  

 

And maybe a dose of humility.

 

ETA:  I was thinking today of some people I know who are younger than me but seem so old in their thinking.  I spend a lot of time with younger people so I wonder if that makes a difference, though I'm sure I seem old in my thinking to some people. I hope I seem open to new ideas and ways of thinking, though of course some things seem odd to me.  I try not to say "back in my day" very often. 

[Chris in VA]

I think many people are naturally resistant to new ideas. For some, there's a sense of judgement that they didn't believe what was correct and that somehow the new info means they were ignorant/stupid to have followed something before; they don't like feeling they did it "wrong" back in the day, so they have a hard time with the new information.

 

I also think a lot of newer parenting ideas and diagnoses can make the previous generation feel guilty--which is kinda stupid right there, since who holds people accountable to the unknowable? But I've seen defensiveness around issues like those over and over. Someone will say, "He has blahblah diagnoses, so we do thisnthat" and the person from "back in the day" responds huffily and defensively with something like, "Well! We didn't know!!"

 

I've had this discussion with a few family members re all sorts of things, from cystic fibrosis treatments to aspie stuff to depression. Every.single.time there is defensiveness and guilt on their part, even if it is simply brought up and no accusations of "you should have done this!" are made.

[Haiku]

I truly do not understand why he (and other older people) are offended by these new discoveries?!?

 

I think that older people who react this way see a very child-centered way of dealing with them, and they were raised in a non-child-centered environment. They may also read reports about how certain things are becoming over-diagnosed. If they see a child fussing and a parent trying to placate the child, they may see that as too soft of an approach to what they consider an annoying behavior and believe the child just needs to behave better.

 

My mom didn't believe that my dd had reflux until my dd projectile vomited so hard it hit the ceiling, bounced off, and splattered all over my grandmother's luggage. :D

 

On a sadder note, at one point my father told me he would no longer watch my kids anymore because my youngest was so ill-behaved. After a few months of what we considered startling behavior changes in my son, we realized that the new steroid-based asthma medication he was on was the root of the problem. He was, literally, having 'roid rages. We changed the medication and things settled down, but it took my dad six months to accept that my son wasn't just a badly-behaved little monster.

[Lisbeth]

I get that with the food allergies. We also have a child with dyslexia and SPD. With relatives or others who don't get it, I stop telling them anything about it. If they are are actively harmful to one of my children, they go on low contact or no contact.

[MomatHWTK]

To add to what others have said, a grandparent sometimes doesn't want to know that his grandchild isn't perfect.  We got a lot of "there's nothing wrong, he's just..." as well.  It was gut reaction denial.  Just don't discuss and term your discipline or reactions to your children's needs as "this is how we choose to do things" without discussion. 

[Matryoshka]

I'm just trying to get past the part where someone in his fifties is considered OLD. :eek: :svengo: :eek:

 

Yeah... dh is 55 and our kids are just a few years older than the OP's!  We're probably another 15 years from any potential grandparent-hood! 

 

Yes, I know if I'd had a kid at 20, that kid would be 29 now.  Lalalalalala...

 

But since our kids aren't much older than OP's, we're raising them in about the same parenting culture, with all the kids with SPD and food allergies and all kids need a carseat (my smaller kid was in a carseat till she was 12).  I also think it has not so much do with how things were granddad's youth, as what things were like when he was raising his kids.

[Heather in Neverland]

My mom always says, "You young people and your new fangled ideas..."

 

The first time she said this to me is when I wouldn't let her put whiskey on my baby's gums for teething pain.

 

Honestly, though, she has a lot of wisdom and raised three kids to adulthood so I try and listen to everything she says. I may not give my baby whiskey but she WAS right about the "diaper genie" being a stupid idea. :)

[marbel]

I think many people are naturally resistant to new ideas. For some, there's a sense of judgement that they didn't believe what was correct and that somehow the new info means they were ignorant/stupid to have followed something before; they don't like feeling they did it "wrong" back in the day, so they have a hard time with the new information.

 

I also think a lot of newer parenting ideas and diagnoses can make the previous generation feel guilty--which is kinda stupid right there, since who holds people accountable to the unknowable? But I've seen defensiveness around issues like those over and over. Someone will say, "He has blahblah diagnoses, so we do thisnthat" and the person from "back in the day" responds huffily and defensively with something like, "Well! We didn't know!!"

 

I've had this discussion with a few family members re all sorts of things, from cystic fibrosis treatments to aspie stuff to depression. Every.single.time there is defensiveness and guilt on their part, even if it is simply brought up and no accusations of "you should have done this!" are made.

 

I agree with you, but I do know quite a few people who do blame their parents for not knowing the unknowable.   People who were dx'd with dyslexia as adults, or who had lactose intolerance but were made to drink their milk, because no one had heard of lactose intolerance and everyone had to drink their milk.  But some people need someone to blame.

[MFG]

I like to think that every parent and every generation gets to screw up their kids in their own special way. I did with mine, parents now do with theirs, and future generations will when they get their chance. The players shift but the game remains the same. But somehow humanity manages to muddle along.

[FO4UR]

I think it has more to co with individual personality than age.

 

 

From stories I've heard in my family, I think that parents recognized differences in their children years ago, even if they didn't use the same vocabulary.  Caring parents tried to help their children learn to deal with life and the world around them, even if they didn't have the same therapies we do today.  

 

My grandpa has told me that he doesn't remember ever being spanked.  fwiw.

 

 

 

It's not just the age/generation.  

 

 

 

 

[Tammyla]

They do have the experience of raising a kid to adulthood, and often feel rejected when their children have a different experience and or path as a parent.

 

I find offering a word or praise or thanks, qualified with, times change and we all do our best goes a long way.  This does not work with those who feel strongly that a good whipping will cure everything.  I would not include, discuss or engage people of that mindset in regards to my parenting.

[Wildiris]

My Dad is in his 50's. He is a good Grandpa and likes hanging out with the kids when we visit them.

 

My boys both have sensory issues.

 

When trying to discuss this with my Dad, he reacts like some old geezer on a TV show. "Everybody's got something now days. In my day we'd say they were spoiled/naughty etc.". He seems to think this is all made up. Why would you think that?? What could I possibly have to gain by putting this label on the boys?? I truly do not understand why he (and other older people) are offended by these new discoveries?!?

Being a 50-year-old parent with young kids, I get what your Dad is saying. When I was a kid there was no ADD or ADHD there were just weird kids. To a degree, your Dad is right. Everyone does have something these days, and unfortunately sometimes people use their "thing" as an excuse or a way not to take responsibility.

 

From the other perspective, some parents today are more aware of issues a kid may be experiencing. Those parents recognize that their kid might not have any real control over over their behavior or experience. It's a "way they are wired" issue. More parents today do their best to stay aware of situations or experiences that are sensitive to their kid(s).

 

I don't think your Dad is offended so much as he doesn't get "it." I'm sure when you were growing up there was some kid in the family or neighborhood that had issues- you know the undiagnosed kind of weirdness that parents back then would say, "He'll grow out of it." Start there and explain how parenting has changed, explain how doctors, educators, and parents are more aware of kid issues.

[clarkacademy]

But in a way he's right. It seems everyone has issues these days. I have an adhd kid with tics and a boy with autism so I get the sensory issues and the needing a special diet but it is true nowadays everyone has issues. Everyone needs special things and sometimes it is overwhelming. It don't help that adhd is so over diagnosed either. Some parents do make up excuses for their kid as well. Just an example we had a neighbor boy who CONSTANTLY would come in our yard and break stuff. All the time. I confronted his mother she didn't apologize, she said yeah we all have to deal with his adhd. I don't care what he kid was if he couldn't stop he needed to be supervised period. He would whip it out and try to pee on my dog while it was chained. Finally I called the police. They didn't care either that he was adhd they told the mother to take care of him or he could go to juvie.

 

I mean it gets old hearing the excuses over and over even my mom who does pretty good with my boys has stated she don't know what is going on but every kid nowadays has problems. She said they knew so little back then about safety, car seats, foods and the world is suppose to be so much better but why are the kids just getting worse?

[ThisIsTheDay]

. I should start looking at hotel accommodations.

 

He might appreciate this greatly, and it would take some stress of you and your kids.  (It's always a bit stressful having company, imo.)

 

 

[Garga]

Probably a personality thing.  I have known young people to be the most pigheaded about things and think they know everything.  As they age, they soften.  (Um...I might have been one of those type of young people. Not that I would want to admit that or anything  :closedeyes: )

 

But some people go the opposite way.  They listen well and are open minded when they're young and one day they seem to get tired of listening and being open minded and become opinionated and closed minded.  

 

Some people are open their whole lives.  Some are closed their whole lives.

 

It's not "old" people.  It's just people.  The person in my little group of friends who is most closed minded is also the youngest in her early 30's.  It is my hope that she softens with time.

[Farrar]

I agree that 50's isn't old, but there is a big generational gap between someone who raised kids twenty-five years ago (and is finished - I know some people keep going!) and someone who is raising kids now.  I think it's not so much age (there are people in their 40's who are just starting their parenting journey, after all) and more about what methods and attitudes are "in vogue" when your children are young.  So much of your sense of experience and how you see parenting is filtered through that lens.

 

When a grandparent doesn't get it, I think there are different tactics.  Gentle re-education is the best course, though that failed here.  Pass the bean dip might be another approach here - just ignore it.  "Yep, Dad, things are different!  Now, how about that football game/movie/political mess/beautiful garden we just saw!"  Of course, if a parent is still pushing, I think you have to be blunt - careful and kind, but also blunt - and just say straight up that you have expert advice, you have a diagnosis, you have a method, and you're the parents who get to make your own parenting mistakes and successes and you would appreciate that being respected.  And then you refuse to discuss and pass that bean dip again.