WWYD: in-law holiday fruit salad ingredients dilemma

[bettyandbob]

I haven't read everything. 

 

I really don't understand. You asked if you could bring something. She told you what you could bring. She didn't say it had to be organic (you are the one with that requirement). 

 

If you didn't want to be told what to bring, you should not have asked to bring anything. 

 

Obviously, there's history in your relationship that is not communicated here. But honestly, I see no reason to read anything into your MILs request other than bring grapes and strawberries. 

[readwithem]

If you offered to make something to bring to your in-law's Christmas dinner (because you're a great cook and a generous person),

 

I'm not a great cook at all, but I always ask what I can bring whenever we're invited to a meal, it's just good manners.

 

She never offers to bring anything to any meal I prepare.

 

 

Could it be she doesn't know exactly how or where to buy organic?  It's tricky trying to shop for somebody else when you can't just go to your closest neighborhood grocery store.

I *wish* she had asked me to bring applesauce (like someone else posted about here around Thanksgiving)!

 

I'm having a hard time seeing how this is different from her strawberry and grape request.  They both involve going to the grocery store and no cooking/baking.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas in spite of this!

[Crimson Wife]

I don't understand the situation but you sound stressed about it. {{{hugs}}}

[unsinkable]

If you don't have a passive aggressive MIL, who does bizarre things to make you crazy, it's hard to understand how strawberries and grapes is a snarky, rude thing to request.

 

I feel you OP, I know the brand of crazy you are dealing with, it's subtle crazy, but it wears you down over time.

I think this gets to the heart of the issue. It's not grapes and strawberries.

 

It's the crazy-making behavior that makes MIL look like she made a rational request and RanchGirl look difficult for not cheerfully fulfilling the request.

[unsinkable]

I'm not a great cook at all, but I always ask what I can bring whenever we're invited to a meal, it's just good manners.

 

 

Could it be she doesn't know exactly how or where to buy organic? It's tricky trying to shop for somebody else when you can't just go to your closest neighborhood grocery store.

 

 

I'm having a hard time seeing how this is different from her strawberry and grape request. They both involve going to the grocery store and no cooking/baking.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas in spite of this!

Because it was supposed to be homemade applesauce and RanchGirl is an excellent cook so at least she could cook tha applesauce.

 

RanchGirl's talent is cooking so for her it feels like a rejection to be told to bring fruit.

 

Food can be a highly charged issue to begin with, add in a stressful holiday and BOOM!

[LaxMom]

Whaaaaa? I've never heard of such a thing! Just thinking about it made me shudder IRL. I have to know, what did she serve for the rest of the meal if no one cooks?

 

 

I think there's a difference between asking your mom (with whom you presumably have little or no emotional baggage) to do something like that and asking a fairly formal guest with whom you tend to be at odds who's offering to go to the effort to make a dish to complement your meal. The former says, "Hey mom, I need a hand, can you grab this for me?" The latter kind of says--or seems to say--"Your food isn't welcome here." Now, whether or not that's the actual meaning, given the background and strained relationship, that's likely how it feels to RanchGirl.

The men deep fried a turkey and there were various creations from mixed cans of stuff. Notable was the two (!!) food service sized pans of cold canned yams with a handful of marshmallows tossed on top. In my mind, it remains "yam salad".

 

I agree with the assessment of context. I have no issue when we have dinner with friends and my friend says she has tomatoes and cucumber but could I grab the rest of the salad fixings. We're building a meal together from our pantries, and then we cook it together while visiting. But, then, we obviously like each other and she's not making a statement with the lettuce request.

[QuirkyKapers]

To those who suggested coping with wine - I wish!!  We were actually not allowed to have a champagne toast at our wedding because of my MIL.  Maybe I can sneak in a hidden flask....

 

Start drinking before you go....that way you will be nice and warm and fuzzy inside before you get there.  Do what someone else suggested and stash some in the car so when the buzz wears off,  you forgot something in the car...

If someone asks what you forgot when you came back in, you forgot what you were trying to remember by the time you got in the house.  This means you can use that line at least one other time :)  Make sure you have mints or drink something they can't smell it on your breath....oh garlic might do..  In fact, garlic breath might just keep everyone at a same distance :)

 

Next time, I wouldn't ask.  You are in a no win situation there.  I have learned to just let my dh handle his mom's calls.  Seriously, if she has a question about what we are doing for such and such and how would it work to do this or that, no matter what we agree too, she will change it or call dh and say that we never decided anything so she is calling to find out whatever it is. 

 

I would get what she asked and since they don't care about organic, just go cheap! In fact, is there somewhere she buys her fruit?  I would go where she goes and get the fruit, if it is possible, that way it what she normally does and maybe she won't make comments about it.  Although, difficult types of people always seem to be able to make comments about something.

[Scarlett]

Major t/j here, but shouldn't we be telling her to TAKE the requested items instead of tellling her to BRING them? Or have I lost my mind?

 

Btw, I had a difficult MIL and now I have an easy one. It makes all the difference in the world.

[Cera]

Without having read any of the replies...

 

I would pick up conventional (non-organic) grapes and strawberries for her as she requested.  You asked her if she wanted you to bring something and that is what she wants.  I wouldn't buy organic for a family party because the family doesn't value it (and one day of non-organic won't kill you).  

 

In the future, I wouldn't ask her if she wants me to bring anything.  She never asks you so maybe it isn't something she expects of guests and you know that if you ask her response will annoy you.  Bring some flowers or a bottle of wine if you feel you can't attend empty handed but leave the actual food up to her.

[Scarlett]

Why would we tell her that? Bring is not the correct word? Seems correct to me.

 

It feels wrong to me. But everyone is saying "bring the grapes as requested and drink wine beforehand". Seems like it should be "take the grapes as requested".

 

Where are the grammar police ? I just need to know if I am nuts.

[LucyStoner]

The answer is vodka. The answer is always vodka.

 

Another idea is that you might as well just plan ahead next year to spend the holiday at home or somewhere else. If you must go, don't ask about bringing anything. Just show up with a dessert or cookies which "your kids made". She can't get pissy about her grandkids sharing their holiday creations with her and dessert falls into "the more, the better" catagory of family holiday crap. Er, family holiday meals.

[Plateau Mama]

If you don't have a passive aggressive MIL, who does bizarre things to make you crazy, it's hard to understand how strawberries and grapes is a snarky, rude thing to request.

 

I feel you OP, I know the brand of crazy you are dealing with, it's subtle crazy, but it wears you down over time.

I have a passive aggressive controlling MIL. I understand that the MIL might have been being rude, but I would still just bring the grapes and be done with it.

[Word Nerd]

I think this gets to the heart of the issue. It's not grapes and strawberries.

 

It's the crazy-making behavior that makes MIL look like she made a rational request and RanchGirl look difficult for not cheerfully fulfilling the request.

 

It sounds like anything MIL said would be interpreted as a barb intended to annoy and vex the OP. Maybe it was, but it could have been avoided if the OP had specified what she wanted to make from the beginning or offered nothing at all. 

[Guest submarines]

Yup, very likely.

 

As I said before, the only reason why I get along with my MIL, is because I never see her.  And very early on I told my husband not to tell me what she said because it was always awful.  She'd come here to visit and I'd break my neck to please her and she would do nothing but complain about everything.  She even had the gall to write a letter about what a miserable time she had.  I wish I were kidding. 

 

 

Well this, I understand. You (general you) have a toxic relative, you distance yourself from her or him. 

 

[marbel]

It sounds like anything MIL said would be interpreted as a barb intended to annoy and vex the OP. Maybe it was, but it could have been avoided if the OP had specified what she wanted to make from the beginning or offered nothing at all. 

 

I have passive-aggressive inlaws too.  They are not super crazy to deal with, not like some of y'all's.  But over the years I've had to learn how to communicate, what to let go of, and how to deal with them.  It makes my life easier, my husband's life more pleasant, and gives my kids an example of how to love unlovable people.   They won't be around forever but they're here now so I make things as easy as possible for myself.  

[Guest submarines]

It feels wrong to me. But everyone is saying "bring the grapes as requested and drink wine beforehand". Seems like it should be "take the grapes as requested".

 

Where are the grammar police ? I just need to know if I am nuts.

 

I was always taught that it is "to take from" and "to bring to." So you'd take the grapes from your car, and bring them to your MIL.

[Word Nerd]

Grammar Girl has a pretty good explanation of the "bring" versus "take" issue here.

Whether you use “bring†or “take†generally depends on your point of reference for the action. You ask people to bring things to the place you are, and you take things to the place you are going. As one listener named Simone put it, you bring things here and take things there.

[Guest submarines]

Grammar Girl has a pretty good explanation of the "bring" versus "take" issue here.

Whether you use “bring†or “take†generally depends on your point of reference for the action. You ask people to bring things to the place you are, and you take things to the place you are going. As one listener named Simone put it, you bring things here and take things there.

 

So does this contradict my post above? My head is spinning, from here to there.

 

[Guest submarines]

Yeah I found that explanation totally confusing. 

 

I'm glad I was not the only one. I just took it the wrong way, and it didn't got brought to absolutely anywhere in my brain. :lol:

[BrookValley.]

Grammar Girl has a pretty good explanation of the "bring" versus "take" issue here.

Whether you use “bring†or “take†generally depends on your point of reference for the action. You ask people to bring things to the place you are, and you take things to the place you are going. As one listener named Simone put it, you bring things here and take things there.

Yup. Take the strawberries and grapes to MIL's. Along with your flask. :)

[Word Nerd]

Bring the peppermint mocha to me.

I will take the presents to Grandma's house.

[Scarlett]

I was always taught that it is "to take from" and "to bring to." So you'd take the grapes from your car, and bring them to your MIL.

I don't think so. You would take the grapes from your car. And you would take them to your MIL

 

Your MIL would then say, thank you for bringing the grapes to me. Take your flask back to your car.

[Scarlett]

But what if you were telling someone to bring something to you. "Johnny, bring those grapes to me please." You wouldn't say, "Johnny, take those grapes to me please." Would you? That doesn't sound right to me at all.

'Johnny bring those grapes to me', is correct. 'Johnny bring those grapes to your MIL' is incorrect.

[nmoira]

The answer is vodka. The answer is always vodka.

 

 

I got all hot and bothered at the thought of a Bloody Mary (containing most major food groups) with jalapeño infused vodka, after seeing the latest My Drunk Kitchen (with special guest star). I just might have to get myself a smoker.

[Scuff]

Go to the grocery store, pick up a pkg of grapes and strawberries, in whatever form them come in this time of year, organic or not, and next year, don't offer, just bring whatever you want or show up empty-handed.

[gardenmom5]

Yeah hell no.  I'm done with the excruciatingly polite gig.  My new gig is to just be myself (which is usually a pretty reasonable person).  I can't do more than that.  And I've found there is no point in trying.

 

I've only celebrated one holiday with my MIL in about 20 years.  That was enough.

 

 

it does take a certain amount of mental energy to keep ahead of the game.  dh had lots of practice in adversarial business meetings and has developed the skill.  the only way I can stand to be anywhere near my brother is to be an absolutely domineering person who is one step ahead and ready to shut him down.  I hate it. however, it is the *only* thing that keeps him in line when we're together.  if I'm "myself", he's insuffereable.  (I think he's NPD.)  the only reason I had any contact was for my mother.  now she's deceased, I don't have to tolerate him.  his adult daughter is all over facebook about how much she hates him.

[Spryte]

Bring the peppermint mocha to me.

I will take the presents to Grandma's house.

 

You had me at peppermint mocha.  Mmmmm.

 

Bring it to me.  Take it to me.  I don't care!

[nmoira]

RanchGirl, how is MIL with the kids? If she's OK, maybe being able to focus on that will help you get through. Mine is uniformly misery generating. Two-ish years ago she gave my youngest a remote controlled tarantula (something she'd been asking for seemingly forever), then proceeded to tell her how when she was a kid the neighborhood boys used to rip the legs off them and you could hear them scream. Nice way to traumatise a 7yo. Toy never touched after the unboxing. At least this was short and sweet (and easy to relate), she is an expert needler and is willing to go the distance. We don't invite her for holidays anymore... well, at all actually, as my husband hasn't talked to her since she berated him for the terrible manners of DD the Elder for being sullen while in a hospital bed, in pain and summer ruined, less than 24 hours after having been hit by a car.

[CAMom]

It sounds like anything MIL said would be interpreted as a barb intended to annoy and vex the OP. Maybe it was, but it could have been avoided if the OP had specified what she wanted to make from the beginning or offered nothing at all. 

 

Someone may have already replied to this but...

 

No. No it wouldn't have avoided the problem. 

 

I know a lot of people don't understand a truly difficult (or NPD) mil but no matter what you do or don't do it's not right and will cause drama. A truly difficult mil will invent things.

 

Trust me. I know.  :glare:

[nmoira]

Same here.  Although I have to admit that she appears to try (too hard maybe).  She just isn't very grandmotherly.  She is more militant bitch. 

 

Is yours also confused as to why everyone is "against her"? It's the complete lack of self awareness that gets me. Neither of her sons are talking to her at the moment. BIL stopped after MIL sent his eldest daughter, E, (then 20) back every card, letter, etc. she'd ever sent her Grandma on E's birthday, because she was insufficiently grateful for Grandma's advice. E's entire interaction with MIL for a decade had been hearing about how she should do this, this, and this or she was going to be a failure in life, and, "See, I told you so." I'm in awe she lasted that long. But, neither DH nor BIL learned to set boundaries other than cutting her off, so this has been an ongoing pattern in their adult relationship with her and they haven't been able to model healthy boundary setting for the kids with respect to her.

[Amethyst]

 This only has to be an issue if you want to make it an issue

This

[Tammyla]

OP, your serving platter is lovely, and I totally get dealing with a mil who is a nutter... :grouphug:  

 

 

Their crazy can become a little amusing as the years pass and we gain a little wisdom that comes with age, but they will always intentionally try to be, at least a little annoying.  

[Word Nerd]

Someone may have already replied to this but...

 

No. No it wouldn't have avoided the problem. 

 

I know a lot of people don't understand a truly difficult (or NPD) mil but no matter what you do or don't do it's not right and will cause drama. A truly difficult mil will invent things.

 

Trust me. I know.  :glare:

 

I remember your stories, and you have a crazy MIL indeed. I still stand by my contention that this annoyance for the OP could have been avoided. I never claimed it would prevent any drama from occurring at all.

[8circles]

 Who does that?  Lots of people, in my experience.  With family or close friends, I don't think it's a weird request at all.  

 

(It would be weird with an acquaintance or a friend who was not particularly close.  But not family!)

 

Totally.  I'm puzzled why this is seen as so rude.  You aren't attending a dinner at a stranger's house - this is dinner with people who, if not actually liked, you have a close tie to.  It isn't weird or rude at all for her to ask you to bring something to be part of the meal.  You asked.

 

I know you keep saying that you were being polite, but it honestly doesn't come across that way.  "Being polite" is not the same as "doing what needs to be done so I can say I technically did the right thing".   You are coming across as the latter.

 

I understand difficult IL situations.  Really, I do.  But it makes it much more bearable & actually does more to get you past it when you are honest at least with yourself about your motives.  At least in my experience.

 

I hope you're able to enjoy the day with your family.  :)

[Guest submarines]

But then, if asked to buy fruits for the salad, bringing the fruits on a fancy Christmas platter is also passive aggressive, knowing they will go into the salad anyway.

 

OP, don't get sucked into this game, it might become a habit ;) . (Said by someone who is afraid of becoming a nutter MIL. :o  Just because I'm an odd person in general...sigh...)

[CAMom]

I remember your stories, and you have a crazy MIL indeed. I still stand by my contention that this annoyance for the OP could have been avoided. I never claimed it would prevent any drama from occurring at all.

 

I guess that's true but something else would have likely happened. 

 

For me....it would have been my mil telling her friends or sil that all I brought to her huge Christmas dinner was a couple of measly boxes of fruit while she slaved for days cleaning the house and cooking a huge meal from scratch. Then, 5 months later at Mother's Day, she would complain to my dh about what a selfish wife he has to let someone her age do all of the work when all I did was make a quick run by the grocery store for fruit.

 

See, from experience, I would know that I was being set up by this request.  :D

 

Maybe RanchGirl's mil is cut from quite the same cloth mine is. 

 

Incidentally, my mil still has spoken to me. It's been over a year and a half now since the Great Mother's Day Incident of 2012. This is by far the longest it's been. She did begin speaking to my dh and my little guy after a year.

[Guest submarines]

I guess that's true but something else would have likely happened. 

 

For me....it would have been my mil telling her friends or sil that all I brought to her huge Christmas dinner was a couple of measly boxes of fruit while she slaved for days cleaning the house and cooking a huge meal from scratch. Then, 5 months later at Mother's Day, she would complain to my dh about what a selfish wife he has to let someone her age do all of the work when all I did was make a quick run by the grocery store for fruit.

 

See, from experience, I would know that I was being set up by this request.  :D

 

Maybe RanchGirl's mil is cut from quite the same cloth mine is. 

 

Incidentally, my mil still has spoken to me. It's been over a year and a half now since the Great Mother's Day Incident of 2012. This is by far the longest it's been. She did begin speaking to my dh and my little guy after a year.

 

But if you brought an elaborate, delicious dish, she'd be complaining about her ungrateful DIL who thinks she is too old and isn't capable of cooking herself. And if you didn't ask what to bring, the stories would be even worse. With people like that, you can't win. So you distance yourself. Either avoid their dinners, or just be yourself and don't play their narcissistic games.

 

[Guest]

Okay, I totally get the in-law thing, and if you are just looking for a JAWM, then, :grouphug: .

 

But then, if asked to buy fruits for the salad, bringing the fruits on a fancy Christmas platter is also passive aggressive, knowing they will go into the salad anyway.

I think the platter is cute, but this was my first thought, too.

 

 

I am just annoyed because when someone offers to bring something to my house, I will say "thanks, what do you feel like bringing?"

I am curious, if she had said this, what would you have brought?

[PrairieSong]

I would leave the pretty Christmas platter at home. Why arrange fruit that's going into a fruit salad? I'd just buy the grapes and strawberries as requested and refuse to engage in the drama. Find someone at the dinner with whom you can have an enjoyable conversation. If MIL is rude or difficult, let her be. Let her rude words hang in the air unanswered. Know that you will be going home in a few hours. If she is truly toxic, I would put up necessary boundaries.

 

I hope you have a merry Christmas. I really do.

[Guest submarines]

Yeah, but it's that little jab that might be therapeutic.  LOL

 

I do get what you are saying and I'm sure the OP does too.

 

I still think the idea of a salad with strawberries in the dead of winter is insane.  Strawberries this time of year taste beyond gross.

 

We see California strawberries, regular and organic at Costco all winter.  They are not cheap, but I do buy them as a very occasional treat for the kids, and they are not gross at all.  They are exactly the same as the California strawberries we get in the summer. 

 

I think it is a nice treat to have a strawberry salad for Christmas (not if one is committed to eating local, of course.) We might get a watermelon as a treat for Christmas. It is fun! Why not?

 

[Spryte]

 

Every time I try to see the good in her, and I do see some good in her, it's just like a fly being attracted to a Venus Fly Trap.  I get drawn in and then it digests me painfully and slowly.

 

I have a person like this, too.  Not a MIL, but someone close enough that there's no avoiding her.  When you talk about your MIL, I find myself nodding and thinking of her.

 

But when you said the above... I choked and almost spit coffee.  Our Venus Fly Traps might be related.

[Guest submarines]

We probably do too, but coming all the way from California, they still aren't so great.

 

I dunno, it's not much of a treat if they don't taste good and this time of year they really don't.

 

 

Maybe I've never tried good strawberries you guys are talking about. The ones we get, except for one month in the summer, are all from California, and the organic ones are delicious, no matter the season.

 

And if you slice them and sprinkle with sugar until they release some juice, they are double great in a salad.

[WishboneDawn]

I think this gets to the heart of the issue. It's not grapes and strawberries.

 

It's the crazy-making behavior that makes MIL look like she made a rational request and RanchGirl look difficult for not cheerfully fulfilling the request.

I suspect you're right.

[nmoira]

Maybe I've never tried good strawberries you guys are talking about.

 

I'm sorry.

[Mbelle]

Well, I didn't read every single response so this may have been said.  

 

Sometimes I make assumptions based on my experience and my family.  

 

My experience is that the holidays are a shared experience among family members.  I think that family members have the right to eat things they enjoy on a holiday.  In my family we decide together what we will eat and everyone can contribute.  We all bring something or cook it at the host house (which is sometimes my house).  Non family members are a case by case issue.  They may or may not be asked to bring something..totally flexible.

For any other type of meal then sure the host can totally decide the menu..imo. 

 

I would be upset to not be included in the festivites/celebrations of the day and instead asked to grocery shopping for a few items. 

 

If she wants to be in charge of everything, perhaps she can do all the clean up as well?  While you sip your wine in the living room!

 

[Mrs Mungo]

Maybe I've never tried good strawberries you guys are talking about. The ones we get, except for one month in the summer, are all from California, and the organic ones are delicious, no matter the season.

 

And if you slice them and sprinkle with sugar until they release some juice, they are double great in a salad.

These particular strawberries are amazing:

http://www.harristeeter.com/about_us/press_room/press_releases.aspx?article=342

[Mrs Mungo]

Just to clarify, I am well versed in playing the "who is crazy?" game. I would do exactly as asked. Later on, if someone says, "X is upset because you only brought grapes and strawberries to Christmas dinner," then you say, "oh! I offered to bring a dish and she insisted that was all that I was to bring. I thought it would be most polite and helpful to bring exactly what she told me to bring." Then she looks crazy. Getting upset over or or doing something else makes you look crazy, which is what she really wants. Getting upset or doing something else plays into her hands in the "who is crazy?" game. JMO and experience from dealing with some very crazy people.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I totally get having a wackadoo constantly attempting to create drama in your life. I really do. But I will say that the point when it is sucking so much energy out of you and making you plot in passive aggressive ways is the point at which it is most beneficial to disengage. The argument can and has been made that nothing you do will be right and acceptable to her. However, I wouldn't be concerned about what is right and acceptable to her at this point. I would be concerned about living my life in a way that is right and acceptable to me, and that would mean disengaging from the drama to the greatest extent possible. Let her words and actions identify her. Let your words and actions identify you. People will see the truth. If you stoop, even if not all the way to her level, they will see that too.

 

:grouphug:

[nmoira]

These particular strawberries are amazing:

http://www.harristeeter.com/about_us/press_room/press_releases.aspx?article=342

 

They sounds nummy. Good strawberries are invariably local, U-Pick or at farmers markets and a few stores (Whole Foods here gets Hoods and other local varietals in daily, delivered by the farmers, when in season). The rest of the crop is processed or frozen immediately after picking because the berries are highly perishable.

 

Packaged California strawberries may be edible, sometimes even pleasant with a bit of sugar, but they nothing like their fragile and highly perishable cousins bred for flavour. (Good strawberries don't need sugar.)

[goldberry]

Just stopping in to see why a fruit salad thread went to 4 pages... :D