Chelle in MO Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I love your avatar! Hilarious.... Why, thank you! Dh randomly chooses avatars for me when he sees something funny online. I never know when he's changed it until I post and a new one pops up! They always make me laugh, but this one really slays me. My kids are getting rather annoyed w/me saying it IRL, though. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted December 16, 2013 Author Share Posted December 16, 2013 Why would you ask if you didn't really want an answer? Why would you then look for a way to creatively not do the simple thing she asked? I'm not sure if these are rhetorical questions? Assuming you actually are asking this... a. I asked because I have a compulsive need to be polite, and I think it's polite to offer to bring a dish when you are going somewhere. I will definitely try to get over that in the future. b. I thought this was previously stated, but I am happy to re-state: I feel it is rude of her to ask me to buy her groceries for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 5 male children...well you do indeed need a crown! You are so right about that! And what makes the avatar so funny to me is that I'm very much NOT an "I know, right" kind of gal. It just sounds so silly in my head when I read it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted December 16, 2013 Author Share Posted December 16, 2013 And your MIL's intention, knowing that you have no desire to cook for them, was to suggest something which is very simple to do. She also wanted to be polite, I assume. It is so cute that you assume that. I guess you'll have to take my word for it since you're not here. She doesn't wish to be polite to me, and she knows this is an obnoxious request. Were you looking for something exciting? You already said you didn't want to cook for them, you only asked to be polite. I really don't see what's the problem. You are both just working on appearances, and instead of asking you to cook a complicated dish (if you are honest with yourself, would you have loved that?) she asked you something incredibly simple and easy to do. I don't think she wants you buy organic. are you serious.... I feel a little under attack here and I don't know why! Must be my tone that was previously mentioned. I clearly need to take a writing class or something. I am not looking for "something exciting". I did ask simply to be polite, not to "show off" my cooking skills, but I would be happy to bring something easy or difficult or nothing at all to make serving the meal easier. I could bring chips and dip, a salad, rolls, a bottle of juice or soda, a dessert, whatever. Once she asked me to make and bring over the main dish and I did. She once asked me to peel potatoes for her and I did. Bringing over ingredients is not making her life easy. Why would she want to wait until we arrive to make a fruit salad? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted December 16, 2013 Author Share Posted December 16, 2013 Just because I feel like complaining, who makes a salad with strawberries this time of year? Or do you live somewhere better than I do? :) I doubt it, I live in Minnesota. Unless you live in Alaska? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in OR Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Okay, I've been spending waaaay too much time on Pinterest today, but saw this and thought of the thread. Replace the raspberries with strawberries, and there you go. http://s820.photobucket.com/user/luraymeister/media/Christmas/DSCN9036.jpg.html Erica in OR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Okay, I've been spending waaaay too much time on Pinterest today, but saw this and thought of the thread. Replace the raspberries with strawberries, and there you go. http://s820.photobucket.com/user/luraymeister/media/Christmas/DSCN9036.jpg.html Erica in OR Tada, Mildred! Erica just saved the day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I would bring conventional strawberries and grapes for MIL. Then I would make whatever dish I enjoyed and bring it. This is what happened when I joined dh's family. They asked me to bring "a green salad" to Christmas the first year, and I did, even though I found it strange. No one ate it, and I realized that everything was covered, as they had all been together for years and there was no room for an outsider's dish. So the next year I started bringing a sweet potato casserole that I love because dh's family never ate sweet potatoes and no one in his family liked them. But the other people who married into the family ate it up and raved. :D I've done it ever since. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted December 16, 2013 Author Share Posted December 16, 2013 I think without knowing the background it's hard to get a sense for this RanchGirl. I can imagine this scenario because it's very much how my MIL rolls. You can't please her. If she were in a dessert dying of thirst and you gave her a glass of water, she'd complain about the color of the glass. You can't ever please her. So you go long enough with that kinda attitude you start to feel anything but enthusiastic and like being cooperative. So I do get it. thank you Sparkly, I appreciate that you get it.... I'm also happy for those who don't have this phenomenon in your lives, and a bit jealous! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 To those who suggested coping with wine - I wish!! We were actually not allowed to have a champagne toast at our wedding because of my MIL. Maybe I can sneak in a hidden flask.... Put it in a flask labeled 'Polyjuice Potion.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted December 16, 2013 Author Share Posted December 16, 2013 Okay, I've been spending waaaay too much time on Pinterest today, but saw this and thought of the thread. Replace the raspberries with strawberries, and there you go. http://s820.photobucket.com/user/luraymeister/media/Christmas/DSCN9036.jpg.html Erica in OR Thank you Erica in OR!! I love it!! Off to find a tree shaped dish. Sincerely, Mildred Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Thank you Erica in OR!! I love it!! Off to find a tree shaped dish. Sincerely, Mildred Grinch kabobs: http://www.justapinch.com/recipes/dessert/fruit-dessert/grinch-kabobs.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 It is so cute that you assume that. I guess you'll have to take my word for it since you're not here. She doesn't wish to be polite to me, and she knows this is an obnoxious request. have you ever heard the phrase - killing with kindness? you do so by being excruciatingly polite - it's really one of the best ways to deal with difficult people. bring what she asked, making sure every little detail is in harmony, with a cheerful disposition. then she will have no cause to complain. (or have to search harder for one.) dh did that with my grandmother. he had a blast doing it, and she went nuts because there was nothing she could legitimately complain about. (the high point was probably the day we dropped in to thank her for something, and found out there was an extended family dinner for out of state relatives to which we were NOT invited. she had egg all over her face as my mother and sister showed up.) life really is too short for this type of drama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I'm not sure if these are rhetorical questions? Assuming you actually are asking this... a. I asked because I have a compulsive need to be polite, and I think it's polite to offer to bring a dish when you are going somewhere. I will definitely try to get over that in the future. b. I thought this was previously stated, but I am happy to re-state: I feel it is rude of her to ask me to buy her groceries for her. There's probably context in terms of your relationship with her that we aren't getting but I see nothing rude with her request. I have a great relationship with my MIL and wouldn't give it a seeing thought if she asked for grapes and strawberries. Or I'd she asked me to peel potatoes for that matter. I would just think that that was what she needed and be glad that I could do that for her. I think a lot of us are in the same boat. We just don't see her request as out of line or rude or abnormal. Certainly not any kind of dilemma needing a creative solution. She asked for grapes and strawberries, you bring grapes and strawberries. Don't bother with organic if you won't eat non-organic because the rest of the salad likely won't be organic and you won't eat it any way. Although the super polite thing would be to eat the salad regardless and compliment her it. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I feel sure there is a creative response to this, but if you don't, please don't feel obligated to inform me I'm being rude by not getting excited about doing someone else's grocery shopping! As I understand it, an offer to bring something is an offer of help. She have you an opportunity to help. You seem to be framing the situation from your complicated history with her: hence the ancillary information everyone is reacting to. The "doing someone else's grocery shopping" comment is an example of the perspective some posters may be somewhat baffled by. I have a pertinent story from my own history but it will have to wait until I not on my phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Thanks for clarifying. I will work on the tone of my posts. I am in fact not angry or fighting for anything here, fruit or otherwise. I have been angry with her in the past, when I thought there was something worth fighting for, but after 20 years I realized it's useless, it has nothing to do with me, and there is no possibility of having the warm relationship I would like. Now I just find her ridiculous behavior funny and try not to take it personally. Thanks for your thoughts. By the way, the fact that she is so difficult but this has not dissolved into a really negative, actively contentious relationship after 20 years seems very impressive to me. Congratulations! I really am impressed. That cannot be easy. I have some friends with difficult MIL relationships and I know that can be awkward. I love my MIL but there have been times I have had to really carefully word certain viewpoints since we definitely have different ideas on certain things (like letting 4 year olds play next to old boards with rusty nails sticking out of them). I do know one MIL relationship that actually scared me. When my friend was very pregnant with her 2nd and had health issues putting her in bed, her MIL offered to come in from out of state and help. As soon as hubby went to work, she refused to do anything to help, would not feed the toddler, would not bring anything for my friend to eat or drink and confiscated her cell phone so she couldn't call for help (they didn't have a land line). When, after a few hours of this, she got out of bed against doctor's orders to try and feed her toddler and herself, her MIL called the hubby crying and upset and told him his wife was behaving abominably to her and was also not following Dr's orders and she just couldn't take the stress since she had a heart condition. It was ugly since the husband tended to believe his mother. MIL spent years trying to make my friend's life absolutely, utterly miserable and drive a wedge between her son and my friend. Awful, awful woman. Anyway, I hope the meal goes really, really well and you can go home in peace without any especially irritating memories...good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I'm not sure if these are rhetorical questions? Assuming you actually are asking this... a. I asked because I have a compulsive need to be polite, and I think it's polite to offer to bring a dish when you are going somewhere. I will definitely try to get over that in the future. b. I thought this was previously stated, but I am happy to re-state: I feel it is rude of her to ask me to buy her groceries for her. I think both of these beliefs are not universally shared. Because under your system of manners something is rude does not make it so. I would guess that the reason you are getting so many answers that assume you are bringing more drama than necessary to the situation is that many others don't share your beliefs regarding manners. In my family, asking someone who would be on the road the 'day of' to pick up something needed as an ingredient or bring drinks, ice, chips, etc. would be perfectly acceptable. I have never offered or brought a dish to a family meal unless necessary for health reasons (food allergies)* or invited to do so because it was a potluck meal. I would NOT want to have to worry about transporting a dish when I was coming to a family event. I might even consider it rude if I were asked to do so. ;) *We have actually had to transport entire meals due to allergies. It is just not my favorite thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Wine...grapes... There's a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries that were soaked in vodka... You could stash your booze in the car and just keep forgetting things. Make sure to finish it off before you go (assuming you're not driving, lol) so no open container concerns. ;) Or you can buy the little bottles of shots, and guzzle one every time you go potty. Not that I have any experience doing so.....;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Or you can buy the little bottles of shots, and guzzle one every time you go potty. Not that I have any experience doing so..... ;) You guys are seriously giving me hope for the holidays. Sadly, it's not even my in-laws who are the problem! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammi K Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 We were actually not allowed to have a champagne toast at our wedding because of my MIL. Wow, Sweetie, you've had MIL issues since before she was your MIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 oh my, I really need to work on my presentation then. I like to cook and I'm fairly good at it (so does my MIL, she once had me bring the entree, a lasagna for 16 people), but I have no desire to cook for this family, my intention in offering to bring something was simply to be polite. I will be more than busy enough in the kitchen just getting our Christmas cookies baked. This is not about that at all, and I'm not upset about anything. I could certainly make a decent dish if she wanted me to, or I can bring nothing if she has it all covered. I just think it's funny that my MIL would ask me to bring ingredients for something she is preparing. It's similar to being asked to bring over flour and pepper. Who does that? I feel sure there is a creative response to this, but if you don't, please don't feel obligated to inform me I'm being rude by not getting excited about doing someone else's grocery shopping! Who does that? Lots of people, in my experience. With family or close friends, I don't think it's a weird request at all. (It would be weird with an acquaintance or a friend who was not particularly close. But not family!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 WHO cares. Bring them. Be happy you didn't have to do any work. Drink wine. This. I would be jumping for joy if someone asked me to just bring grapes and strawberries. Merry Christmas to you :). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Or you can buy the little bottles of shots, and guzzle one every time you go potty. Not that I have any experience doing so..... ;) And you just gave me a new little game for when my MIL arrives next Friday :lol: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Meh - I'd just go with it. Next time I would be specific and tell her very early, I'd love to make dessert for Christmas dinner, do you mind? If she's hosting, I'd just honor the request. Or volunteer to host and do all the cooking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 To those who suggested coping with wine - I wish!! We were actually not allowed to have a champagne toast at our wedding because of my MIL. Maybe I can sneak in a hidden flask....You need to pregame. Have a few drinks at home. (((Hugs))) I was so aggravated a few years ago when I was told to bring a green salad with dressingS for Christmas Eve. Plural! And I knew I wouldn't get them back. I started a thread about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Sorry about the wine. Have a glass on the way there and leave the bottle in the car, excuse yourself periodically to go "get something from the car". I drank and ate Swiss Cake rolls hidden in my pantry the last time my MIL came, I feel your pain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Sorry about the wine. Have a glass on the way there and leave the bottle in the car, excuse yourself periodically to go "get something from the car". I drank and ate Swiss Cake rolls hidden in my pantry the last time my MIL came, I feel your pain. Most states have open container laws that make this illegal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Most states have open container laws that make this illegal. Get the 4 pack of juice box wines instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 And you just gave me a new little game for when my MIL arrives next Friday :lol: . Glad I could help. It works wonders. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 You need to pregame. Have a few drinks at home. (((Hugs))) I was so aggravated a few years ago when I was told to bring a green salad with dressingS for Christmas Eve. Plural! And I knew I wouldn't get them back. I started a thread about it. I remember that! You're a better woman than I am. I would have brought the requested dressings but I also would have packed them up and brought them back home after the meal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 You need to pregame. Have a few drinks at home. (((Hugs))) I was so aggravated a few years ago when I was told to bring a green salad with dressingS for Christmas Eve. Plural! And I knew I wouldn't get them back. I started a thread about it. LOL - I remember that thread. In that case, I would have absolutely NO issue just making a nice salad with ONE homemade dressing that was made to go with whatever was in the salad and just ignoring the request for DRESSINGS. I personally HATE most commercially manufactured dressing anyway. Something along these lines make a good holiday salad. Cranberry pecan salad http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Cranberry-Pecan-Salad/Detail.aspx?event8=1&prop24=SR_Title&e11=cranberry%20salad&e8=Quick%20Search&event10=1&e7=Home%20Page OR Pear Roquefort salad http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Roquefort-Pear-Salad/Detail.aspx?event8=1&prop24=SR_Thumb&e11=pear%20salad&e8=Quick%20Search&event10=1&e7=Home%20Page Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Bring the grapes and strawberries. And a thigh flask. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I don't understand the dilemma. You offered to bring something and she took you up on it. She even gave you an easy assignment that won't cut into your holiday prep time. This seems win-win to me. When you offer to help, be prepared to give helpful help rather than just doing what you'd prefer. The way out is to not offer in the first place. I think it's odd to offer, then be annoyed by such an easy request. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plateau Mama Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I'm not sure if these are rhetorical questions? Assuming you actually are asking this... a. I asked because I have a compulsive need to be polite, and I think it's polite to offer to bring a dish when you are going somewhere. I will definitely try to get over that in the future. b. I thought this was previously stated, but I am happy to re-state: I feel it is rude of her to ask me to buy her groceries for her. Hmm, Thanksgiving I asked my mom to bring a Costco container of mixed greens. Not a salad, just mixed greens. Never occurred to me that was rude?? I went shopping for groceries on Monday, but knew mixed greens wouldn't last till Thursday. I didn't have the time or desire to fight Costco (or any6 grocery store) the day before Thanksgiving so I asked if she or her husband would mind doing it. Maybe, just maybe, your MIL is going shopping early to avoid the crowds and is worried that the fruit won't be fresh come Christmas day? Personally, for someone who doesn't care you've put a lot of thought into it. I'd just go to the grocery store and buy the fruit. Show up with a smile and be done with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 If it makes you feel better, Ranch Girl, I am the only one in my husband's extended family who cooks. At all. A few years ago, my MIL assigned me to bring Waldorf salad. You know, cut up apples and Miracle Whip? I brought it. I have no idea what it tasted like, as I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot fork. But it was definitely a WTH? moment. Bring the grapes and strawberries. Maybe pick up a can of coffee and some flour, too, since you're stocking the pantry. Have a lovely evening (with wine) before, since you don't have to make anything. And another one when you get home from the gathering, since you'll have no kitchen cleaning to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Marmalade Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I would bring conventional grapes and strawberries. But. I would head to my local Sam's Club and buy one of those big packages of strawberries, and then I would head over to the grapes and buy a package each of black, red, and green grapes. So basically, I would go way overboard. When asked about the excessive amount of fruit my response would be along the lines of "well, you didn't say what kind of grapes you wanted, so I wanted to make sure I brought the right kind to complement your fruit salad." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAMom Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I think without knowing the background it's hard to get a sense for this RanchGirl. I can imagine this scenario because it's very much how my MIL rolls. You can't please her. If she were in a dessert dying of thirst and you gave her a glass of water, she'd complain about the color of the glass. You can't ever please her. So you go long enough with that kinda attitude you start to feel anything but enthusiastic and like being cooperative. So I do get it. I wish I could "like" this post 10 times! If my mil made the request that RanchGirl's did it would be a clear indication that she was trying to stick it to me. RanchGirl, I think I understand the dynamic here and you have my sympathy. :D I haven't seen or spoken to my mil in nearly two years after our last incident. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I am a little surprised that this is a problem actually. In my family is pretty common. Just last week my mom asked if she could bring something and I asked her to bring lettuce and strawberries for a salad I was making if she didn't mind. That way I didn't have to make the trip to the store and I figured she could just loop by there on the way here. I didn't realize that this was seen as annoying or rude. I guess I'll refrain from asking anyone else to do such things for me. Although I usually see those things as more helpful than them making something to bring it, because I like to usually have the entire spread somewhat decided on before I invite anyone over. I just don't always have all the things to make the spread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 If it makes you feel better, Ranch Girl, I am the only one in my husband's extended family who cooks. At all. A few years ago, my MIL assigned me to bring Waldorf salad. You know, cut up apples and Miracle Whip? I brought it. I have no idea what it tasted like, as I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot fork. But it was definitely a WTH? moment. Whaaaaa? I've never heard of such a thing! Just thinking about it made me shudder IRL. I have to know, what did she serve for the rest of the meal if no one cooks? I am a little surprised that this is a problem actually. In my family is pretty common. Just last week my mom asked if she could bring something and I asked her to bring lettuce and strawberries for a salad I was making if she didn't mind. That way I didn't have to make the trip to the store and I figured she could just loop by there on the way here. I didn't realize that this was seen as annoying or rude. I guess I'll refrain from asking anyone else to do such things for me. Although I usually see those things as more helpful than them making something to bring it, because I like to usually have the entire spread somewhat decided on before I invite anyone over. I just don't always have all the things to make the spread. I think there's a difference between asking your mom (with whom you presumably have little or no emotional baggage) to do something like that and asking a fairly formal guest with whom you tend to be at odds who's offering to go to the effort to make a dish to complement your meal. The former says, "Hey mom, I need a hand, can you grab this for me?" The latter kind of says--or seems to say--"Your food isn't welcome here." Now, whether or not that's the actual meaning, given the background and strained relationship, that's likely how it feels to RanchGirl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I don't think it's rude in a normal, healthy relationship. I wouldn't bat an eye if it were asked of me by any family or friends. I usually call my parents and ask if there's anything they need once we're on the way if they're hosting or vice versa. I've brought (and requested) butter and ice and all kinds of random things. A chair once. There's a history here with RanchGirl and her MIL. You know, where just the other person's breathing makes you twitch? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I don't think it's rude in a normal, healthy relationship. I wouldn't bat an eye if it were asked of me by any family or friends. I usually call my parents and ask if there's anything they need once we're on the way if they're hosting or vice versa. I've brought (and requested) butter and ice and all kinds of random things. A chair once. There's a history here with RanchGirl and her MIL. You know, where just the other person's breathing makes you twitch? ;) But then there was nothing her MIL could have said that would have been taken well. At least she is not burdening the OP with an extensive meal preparation only to criticize it later. Of course if she's truly evil, she'll manage to criticize the strawberries and grapes. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 But then there was nothing her MIL could have said that would have been taken well. At least she is not burdening the OP with an extensive meal preparation only to criticize it later. Of course if she's truly evil, she'll manage to criticize the strawberries and grapes. :lol:I agree with this. I don't think there's a single thing that the MIL could have said that would have pleased the OP. I think the relationship is so damaged that anything one woman says/does drives the other one batty, even if the statement/action is intended in the most benign way. Right now the OP is coming across as being the difficult one in this scenario, but without knowing the 20 years of interplay between the two it's hard to know for sure what's going on and who is actually being the difficult/rude person this time around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I wouldn't be offended or think twice about bringing ingredients for a dish at the host's request, but I can see that there are already bad feelings at play here. So, maybe it's rude or maybe you're overreacting. In my world with the people I associate with, including my MIL, it wouldn't be a big deal at all. Reading only your side of things I would think it shouldn't be a big deal to bring the fruit, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted December 16, 2013 Author Share Posted December 16, 2013 Grinch kabobs: http://www.justapinch.com/recipes/dessert/fruit-dessert/grinch-kabobs.html those are adorable! Unfortunately the banana was not part of my assignment... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted December 16, 2013 Author Share Posted December 16, 2013 have you ever heard the phrase - killing with kindness? you do so by being excruciatingly polite - it's really one of the best ways to deal with difficult people. bring what she asked, making sure every little detail is in harmony, with a cheerful disposition. then she will have no cause to complain. (or have to search harder for one.) dh did that with my grandmother. he had a blast doing it, and she went nuts because there was nothing she could legitimately complain about. (the high point was probably the day we dropped in to thank her for something, and found out there was an extended family dinner for out of state relatives to which we were NOT invited. she had egg all over her face as my mother and sister showed up.) life really is too short for this type of drama. She doesn't need a legitimate complaint. That would be too logical! I assure you that I always behave kindly, or at least politely. I feel there is simply no benefit from acting otherwise. I can't convince her to like me and I stopped trying a few years ago. At this point her behavior is pretty comical, maybe like with your grandmother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 For the record, my MIL once left me to entertain my 3 children for 4 hours in the lobby of a casino while she gambled. You don't even want to *know* the rest of that story!! So, believe me when I say that I understand about difficult in-laws. But, I usually try to look at *my* actions separately from her actions. I don't "kill her with kindness" or passive-aggressively bring a yummiest dish. I just try to act according to her wishes on her turf and be as normal as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I am looking for a creative way to shut this down, because I just have no desire to bring grapes and strawberries. I realize that I am not emotionally enmeshed in this, so my perspective is different from yours, but ... this sounds really silly. You have no desire to bring grapes and strawberries? You're going to their house for Christmas dinner, you were asked to bring grapes and strawberries, and you don't want to because you have no desire to? It sounds like you are making a big deal about nothing. All I can think of is to put together the most beautiful grape and strawberry plate that has ever been imagined. Cover some in chocolate, form an intricate design, etc. But then she couldn't use them in her fruit salad. This would be petty. My advice is to bring grapes and strawberries and let it go. You'll probably be happier in the long run if you don't try to turn it into a battle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted December 16, 2013 Author Share Posted December 16, 2013 Thanks everyone for your feedback, even those who stated I am being rude & difficult. I can't say I agree, but I do appreciate you taking the time to let me know your thoughts. I very much appreciate the support some understanding folks have given here, and especially Erica who suggested the perfect solution. I have ordered this lovely platter on which to bring my strawberries and grapes, and I may also use it for putting cookies out for Santa as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 She doesn't need a legitimate complaint. That would be too logical! I assure you that I always behave kindly, or at least politely. I feel there is simply no benefit from acting otherwise. I can't convince her to like me and I stopped trying a few years ago. At this point her behavior is pretty comical, maybe like with your grandmother. I wasn't exactly clear on the point. sure she can find something for which to complain - but if it's not "legitimate", it makes her look like an idiot to those to whom she is complaining. it's more than just straightforward politeness - it's going the extra mile to be excruciatingly polite. (and hang it like a noose around their neck). my grandmother was a real damned if you do damned if you don't kinda person. I'm pretty sure she had some sort of personality disorder - not full on narcisstic PD, some other kind. if you haven't read up on them, I'd recommend you do. only you can tell if it fits your mil. the thing about personality disorders - they are so subtle, it's very very hard to see unless you are part of it. it is also common for those on the outside to think those complaining about a NPD person are the problem. (and to think you're crazy.) as I read up on it, it was so eye-opening and vindicating as it explained SO. MUCH! and the assurance I wasn't crazy. and the only way to handle them is boundaries and more boundaries. just bring the fruit - and be cheerful about it. at least it's relatveily cheap. I recall one miss manners column where a woman's mil bought her a fur coat (with demands she wear it) as an insult because the woman was against fur for herself (she was okay with other people wearing fur). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 If you don't have a passive aggressive MIL, who does bizarre things to make you crazy, it's hard to understand how strawberries and grapes is a snarky, rude thing to request. Once while visiting mine, I asked for brown sugar for my oatmeal at breakfast. I knew she wouldn't have sugar, so I tried to ask for something she might have. She didn't. She only had honey, so she made this big production about finding the honey, putting it in a honey pot and digging around for 10 minutes looking for one of those wooden things that you dip in honey. While dh and I sat at the table...in silence...waiting...not daring to eat our oatmeal without her. She then complained that her food was cold and the meal was ruined. This process took 15 minutes, and from the outside, it may look like, wow, what a nice lady to do that for her DIL who wanted to sweeten her oatmeal. On the inside she didn't want it sweetened, she didn't want sweetener ruining her tablescape, and she basically was being her brand of crazy. I feel you OP, I know the brand of crazy you are dealing with, it's subtle crazy, but it wears you down over time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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