AlmiraGulch Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 Ok, so you probably won't settle it, because I think what I think and that's it. This isn't a JAWM post, though. I really am interested in knowing where people stand on this. DH called on his way home from work and suggested the two of us go out to dinner tonight, and maybe to listen to some music, sans kids. You know, like a date. I took a shower, did my hair, put on some cute clothes, makeup, even perfume! DH just came downstairs in the pants he owns that I hate the most, and a shirt he knows I can't stand, either. I asked him to change. DD17 got on me and said I should let the man wear what he wants, that he has the right to be comfortable. I say yes, I agree, most of the time. But not tonight. Tonight we're going on a date, and he should make an effort to look nice for me like I did for him. DD said I always dress this way and so it isn't about him. I said no, I'd be more comfortable in yoga pants and sneakers, but I wanted to look nice for the hubs. It's not like I asked him to buy new clothes. I asked him to make an effort. Ok, so what do you say? P.S. We're on the way out the door, so I probably won't see responses til later. And, for the record, DH now looks really nice. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 LOL. I would probably go back up and put on my yoga pants and sneakers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 Was your husband appropriately dressed for the place you are going? That would be my only concern. If we're going out for tacos (hey, we are, in a few minutes!) and I decide to dress up because I feel like it, but he doesn't feel like it, well, I wouldn't demand it of him. But, if we were going downtown to a play or a nice restaurant, then yeah, I'd ask him to dress up. But, my husband would be unlikely to wear something he knew I hated. I think he has one shirt and one tie I despise. He wears them to work but he wouldn't if we were going out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 Well I think your dd is just tryng to push buttons. I think that's all that's happening here. Don't include your dh in the discussion, because he might say you can wear yoga pants on a date (men say stuff like that). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 dh's favorite around the house clothes are white t-shirts and sweats. (I cant' stand them.) did I mention he works from home? I'd have told him to change too. if he wants some affection during/after the date he'd be more successful changing into clothes you don't hate if he wants you to be looking at him and not be preoccupied thinking about how much you hate what he's wearing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 (edited) nm Edited December 1, 2013 by Moderator If you have a problem with another poster, take it to private messaging. Don't use threads for personal snark. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 Good point about pushing buttons. I could see some men doing that just to get a rise, with full intentions of going back up and changing. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 Frankly, IMO, you are being too demanding. I would never consider telling my dh how to dress. He has the good sense to not wear sweats and an old t-shirt if we are going out but beyond that, I consider his clothing choices totally his own. It's a matter of choosing battles. It's not worth a moment of conflict for us, or discomfort for him, to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 If I really hated a garment of my husband's I'd get rid of it. (And have). But I wouldn't chastise him for wearing it because that's not how adults talk to each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trlt Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 I would have asked my DH to change if I didn't like what he was wearing. He would have been happy that I said something because picking clothes is just not something he does well and he knows it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 Somehow it just doesn't seem right to tell DH that he hasn't made enough of an effort to please me. I don't get to determine how much effort others make for me. Spouses show their love in different ways. You dressed up for your date; he went to the effort of suggesting the date. Now, if my husband dresses in an outfit that I think is going to be inappropriate for the location, I'll gently mention that I think the event is going to be more formal or informal than he seems to think it is, but I'd do that for a friend too. In that case, it's not about how I feel, it's about helping him avoid feeling uncomfortable or self-conscious once we get there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 I guess it would depend on why I hated the clothing. If it fit really poorly, was inappropriate to the venue/occasion, or maybe had stains or something, then that's one thing. If I didn't like the color or don't prefer that style, that's another. Either way, I would suggest, not demand, a change, and it would have a reason behind it, AND my personal preference would probably be enough for dh to change, because he likes to please me. But we would discuss it, either way. (Ideally. LOL...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 If I really hated a garment of my husband's I'd get rid of it. (And have). But I wouldn't chastise him for wearing it because that's not how adults talk to each other. You get rid of your husband's stuff? Really? Is he OK with that? Does he get to get rid of your stuff he doesn't like? Not trying to be snarky but my first thought was "that's not how adults treat each other." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 If I got all dressed up for a date and DH came down in his comfies, I'd be hurt. Much better to clearly tell him what would make you happy than be miffed all night. His expending a little effort early can pay off big later. ;) Your DH has free will and could've refused to change clothes if it truly mattered to him. Also, I'm assuming "demand" is similar in meaning to how it would be here--dude, really?!?! Huh? Oh. Right. Okay. (And works both directions. So much easier than passive aggressive crap!) DD17 can have an opinion when she's been married 20 years AND it's her husband. You can promise not to have an opinion on what attire she finds sexiest on her DH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted November 30, 2013 Author Share Posted November 30, 2013 Ok, I'm in the car and reading this on the way out. For the record, I'm not overly dressed up. In in nice jeans and boots and a really cute, dressier, sparkly sweater. What he was wearing was not inappropriate, really, just ugly. DD was not pushing buttons. Or, maybe she was, but not in an ugly way . I didn't demand he change. I asked him to, and he did. I wasn't bratty. I still think he should make an effort to look nice for me, just like I did for him. Keep it coming, though! This is fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenKitty Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 My DH wouldnt have cared, if I suggested he change into something else. I would have snipped the comment by DD, as it had nothing to do with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 I have veto power over dh's wardrobe (because someone has to and his mom's on a different continent). However, he wouldn't blink if I asked him to change or told him something had to go to donation. He's well aware of his limitations and often asks my opinion if I haven't offered it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 I know how adults treat each other and I think I would have asked my DH to change if he was wearing something he knew I didn't like. I'd expect him to say something to me in the same situation. I just asked my DH about this and he said it would be fine to ask him to change as long as I did it in a nice way and not insult him and put him down for his choices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 Your daughter should have absolutely no say in this matter. Her opinion on something like this should just be white noise to you. I assume you asked DH to change, he did, and had no problem with it. So that's the only thing that matters. If I thought my DH was dressed weirdly I would ask him to change too. He wouldn't mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 I think its reasonable to ask him to please, as a favor to you, wear something you like better. as long as you ask nicely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 I would never think it was my business to make another adult go and change (unless they needed a reminder that X clothing was not accepted for X activity). That's just not my style. At all. If my mother told my dad to go change I would be a bit aghast too. However, it's not dd's business. I would never tell my mother I was aghast. It's your marriage, not hers. If you have the kind of marriage where dh doesn't mind being told to change, hey, that's your business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MFG Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I would tell DD that when she has her own husband she can annoy him. DH would not care if I asked him to change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I can't give you advice. My dh never chooses clothes on his own for going out in any fashion, be it church, shopping or to a restaurant. I get tired of choosing his clothes but he is slightly color blind so I keep doing it ( he has very mild blue green blindness). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 You get rid of your husband's stuff? Really? Is he OK with that? Does he get to get rid of your stuff he doesn't like? Not trying to be snarky but my first thought was "that's not how adults treat each other." I don't sneak it away, I mean if there's something I hate, I talk to him about getting rid of it ("These are WAY too old and frayed, hon"), instead of having it be a part of his wardrobe rotation so it's there to bug me again and again and again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethB Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 My botany professor once wore the most hideous sweater ever and sometime later that class happened to mention that he wife was visiting family that week. A few months later he was wearing hideous sweater again and someone in the class asked if his wife was out of town. He said, "Why yes she is, why would you ask?" Student replied, "No reason, just wondering..." We all snickered silently. A few years later I saw him on a NOVA episode, his wife had dressed him that day, LOL. (He was a paleobotanist, they mentioned some paleobotany research in his area and I wondered to myself, how many paleobotanists can there be in the world--sure enough, it was him!) He was a good instructor and loved his subject. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 (edited) nm Edited December 1, 2013 by Moderator Snarky. Mean. Unnecessary. Quit it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I'd tell DD to butt out, it's none of her business, But yeah, I agree with you. I'd ask DH to change to something nice for a special date. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripley Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Ho Boy, it's getting deep in here - and not the kind of deep usually associated with philosophical discussions. :thumbdown: OP, if I had witnessed what happened I would've thought the same as your daughter. I would've said it, too. LOL She knows better than I if her husband would mind, but Dad and I have similar personalities. I know better than she how the request would make him feel. My dad is all about keeping the peace and doesn't mind things like changing for the woman he loves and is taking out ... he loves her, it's nothing to him if it will make her happy ... but I also know he'd just as soon stay in his funky ugly azz clothes, and would love for Mom to let him be. I don't get the impression you were nagging him, or he was devastated by the request. I hope your date was as lovely a time as you both looked! :coolgleamA: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I would have been relieved to be free to go out casual. For real. (Though I do not wear yoga pants - it would have been jeans.) Many people like to dress very casually when they go out, but in this particular instance, Almira (still getting used to that new name!) wanted to make it a date night and she went out of her way to look nice for her dh, so she expected the same from him. I don't have any experience with having to ask my dh to change his clothes, because he always dresses nicely, but if he ever wore something I hated, I would tell him and he would be fine with it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we have been married for almost 20 years, but we have no problem with being honest with each other if we don't like something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 My dh tries to "match" me in terms of dressiness when we go out. I don't need to tell him what to wear because he can actually dress himself and look nice without help (I know some husbands cannot). If there is something I want him to do, then I should tell him about it because that's how adults communicate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 DD needs to stay out of conversations between you and your DH that don't concern her. I've asked my husband to change for things before. He doesn't mind. He's a bit fashion clueless and often requests my help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatHomeschoolDad Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Depends entirely on the couple's collective style or lack thereof, location of the date ($? or $$$$?), comfort necessary, etc. It does not sound like the OP was over the top in any way. I do, however, think photo evidence of the shirt/pants in question would help clarify the matter under discussion. Just sayin'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 If this difference was between you and your dh, I would probably say let the man wear what he wants- but that it's ok for you to suggest that he change his clothes. (I'm a big believer in telling dh what I'm thinking- he's not a mind reader!) But it's between you and your teen dd- and I have to say that while my kids are free to express their opinion, their opinion would have no 'point value' in this situation. Hope you enjoyed date night- and btw, your dh gets bonus points for suggesting the date! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I thought it was a well known phenomenon that most women dress their husbands. lol! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatHomeschoolDad Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I thought it was a well known phenomenon that most women dress their husbands. lol! Define "most." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Define "most." There's this thing called a dictionary, but to clarify what *I* meant, that would be the guys who don't care one whit what they wear (and I know plenty). Or hate shopping so much that their wives buy their clothes, so indirectly or otherwise they are dressing them. My husband wears work clothes everywhere, and I don't care. Not like we go to the opera or anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicAnn Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I think your situation is very common, but I personally would never tell my husband how to dress, unless he asked. I may give a suggestion, if I think something would be more weather appropriate...but never style wise. I figure if DH is smart enough to be a good husband, father, and provider, then he is capable of dressing himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Relationships are so different. He changed and it sounds like it was fine. If it wasn't, then it wouldn't be, which is probably one of the most dumb things I've ever posted on this board. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Relationships are so different. He changed and it sounds like it was fine. If it wasn't, then it wouldn't be, which is probably one of the most dumb things I've ever posted on this board. Well, you made perfect sense to me. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I think your situation is very common, but I personally would never tell my husband how to dress, unless he asked. I may give a suggestion, if I think something would be more weather appropriate...but never style wise. I figure if DH is smart enough to be a good husband, father, and provider, then he is capable of dressing himself. I have known many highly successful and capable people who have had absolutely no sense of style. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I thought it was a well known phenomenon that most women dress their husbands. lol! Definitely not at my house! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatHomeschoolDad Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 There's this thing called a dictionary, but to clarify what *I* meant, that would be the guys who don't care one whit what they wear (and I know plenty). Or hate shopping so much that their wives buy their clothes, so indirectly or otherwise they are dressing them. My husband wears work clothes everywhere, and I don't care. Not like we go to the opera or anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I would have asked him why he asked me on a date and then put on clothes he knew I hated. Said with a smile. He would have laughed and said he just wanted to see if I noticed. or given me a good reason why those clothes were the best choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linders Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Well...I would be so thrilled if DH planned a spur-of-the-moment date night that I probably wouldn't notice what he wore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I love Yoda. :001_wub: So Tom... who buys your clothes, you or your wife? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatHomeschoolDad Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I love Yoda. :001_wub: So Tom... who buys your clothes, you or your wife? ;) I do. Always have. Maybe that's just my gender-role-busting ethos, or maybe it's why I don't have guy friends. Prob both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I do. Always have. Maybe that's just my gender-role-busting ethos, or maybe it's why I don't have guy friends. Prob both. You can be friends with my dh. He buys his own clothes, too. I mean, I buy him stuff sometimes, but he picks out better things than I do! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I wouldn't have said a thing. I would be upset if dh told me to change so I would never think of telling him to do so. We're pretty casual here (even though he wears a suit and tie to work everyday) and so I can't ever imagine telling him to change. I don't buy his clothes and he doesn't buy mine. That doesn't mean we don't shop without each other in mind or help each other out sometimes but I don't tell him to change clothes and he doesn't do thatt me either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted December 1, 2013 Author Share Posted December 1, 2013 Depends entirely on the couple's collective style or lack thereof, location of the date ($? or $$$$?), comfort necessary, etc. It does not sound like the OP was over the top in any way. I do, however, think photo evidence of the shirt/pants in question would help clarify the matter under discussion. Just sayin'. I can't. He changed out of them. I did post a picture of The World's Ugliest Shirt that he loves on Facebook a while ago and asked if it was ugly or great. I didn't say it was his, and he wasn't wearing it when I took it. He swears everyone compliments it. I swear in return that everyone is making fun of it. Everyone but one person agreed with me, although a few said it was a great shirt for if he were playing a gig (once someone recognized it as one of his shirts). Again, for the record, he isn't offended by this. It's not mean-spirited and all in good fun. We have laughs about it (said in advance of everyone telling me how mean I am). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted December 1, 2013 Author Share Posted December 1, 2013 I would have asked him why he asked me on a date and then put on clothes he knew I hated. Said with a smile. He would have laughed and said he just wanted to see if I noticed. or given me a good reason why those clothes were the best choice. This is almost exactly how the conversation went! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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