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Settle a philosophical difference


AlmiraGulch
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I'd have asked him to change, but I'd have said something like, "DH, you look so hot in that (whatever) shirt and (whatever) pants. Would you wear that for me tonight?"

 

And, I'd have told DD to mind her own business. 

 

To me, the issue here that sticks in my craw is being chastised by your DD over a conversation you had with your DH. But, I have an almost-16 year old that has recently decided that we're now equals and she can say whatever she wants.  :glare:

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I do.  Always have.

 

Maybe that's just my gender-role-busting ethos, or maybe it's why I don't have guy friends.  Prob both.

 

My husband buys his own stuff, too.  Sometimes he does well, sometimes not.  Honestly, I'm usually just pleased when he's not wearing a shirt that advertises someone's business.  

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I'd have asked him to change, but I'd have said something like, "DH, you look so hot in that (whatever) shirt and (whatever) pants. Would you wear that for me tonight?"

 

And, I'd have told DD to mind her own business. 

 

To me, the issue here that sticks in my craw is being chastised by your DD over a conversation you had with your DH. But, I have an almost-16 year old that has recently decided that we're now equals and she can say whatever she wants.  :glare:

 

Really?  Maybe I typed it wrong, but she wasn't chastising me.  It was just conversation, and a light one at that.  Had there been any attitude involved it would not have gone over well.  

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I do not think there is any problem with a spouse making a request of the other spouse. No demands, no ugliness, no insults, just a request...no big deal. Something like, "honey would you mind wearing xyz pants and maybe one of your polo shirts?" or similar. I would have told my dd that her dad is capable of speaking for himself if he has any problems and that I have been communicating with him for years without her assistance. I would not be snarky but I would say something to her about it.

 

Dh doesn't own any clothing that I have ever expressed a distaste for.

 

It sounds like everything is fine though, so I wouldn't give it a second thought.

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My dh tries to "match" me in terms of dressiness when we go out. I don't need to tell him what to wear because he can actually dress himself and look nice without help (I know some husbands cannot). If there is something I want him to do, then I should tell him about it because that's how adults communicate.

Pretty much exactly this. Dh generally dresses just fine and needs minor help with matching, which he asks for. He would want me to tell him if he was underdressed.

 

My 18 yo dd sometimes gives me feedback on things concerning dh. She is just trying to figure out how marriage works and this gives us a chance to talk about it. It is not a problem for any of us.

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Pretty much exactly this. Dh generally dresses just fine and needs minor help with matching, which he asks for. He would want me to tell him if he was underdressed.

 

My 18 yo dd sometimes gives me feedback on things concerning dh. She is just trying to figure out how marriage works and this gives us a chance to talk about it. It is not a problem for any of us.

 

This is just what I came back here to post!  I can see my daughter in a similar conversation.  I think it's quite normal and not something to be annoyed with the daughter about.  (Well, depending on tone and attitude, of course.)

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In this situation with my husband I would have said "If you're wearing that, I'm going up to change so give me a minute". I would have assumed date night would have meant beer, burger, and music at the dive bar and I would have dressed appropriately. In many cases he would look down and say "oh - yeah. I'll go change". :)

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My husband would have not been offended if I told him to do that. He likes when I just tell him what I want.

That! Definitely that!

 

My husband says that the best he can do guessing is a C average abd with me, he'd like to do a lot better.

 

OP, seriously, you need to see the Dick Van Dyke episode when Robert dressed like a slob on the weekend. Funny.

 

I would be annoyed with my daughter, tho.

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DH always asks me "How do I look?" before we go out, so that gives me an opportunity to say something if needed.  But unless he's seriously underdressed or there's a stain on something (either scenario would be extremely rare) I wouldn't say anything.  He doesn't own any clothes that I hate, and he does 98% of his shopping himself.  Because I rarely say anything other than "You look great!" (he really does :001_wub: ), I'm sure he'd change on the rare occasion that I'd say something.   :)

 

As for the OP's situation, for me it would make a difference if the shirt and pants were not right for the venue/occasion vs. that I simply didn't like them. If they were appropriate, but not something I liked, I probably wouldn't ask him to change.  If I felt they were "off" for the occasion, I would ask him to change.

 

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I do want to point out that I wouldn't be upset with my dd at all. She would actually probably be a bit mystified that I don't want a guy telling her how to dress but then I was telling her dad how to dress. It's just not something that would happen here and definitely not something I would get angry with either dds about.

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Personally, my philosophy is that if someone is kind and thoughtful enough to ask me out to dinner and wants to spend time with just me, I welcome it with open arms. That is a huge sign to me that they love me. What they wear is unimportant, anywhere we eat is wonderful because I'm not doing the cooking.

 

It's great you put in the effort to look nice for him, but how about just doing it as a gift (to him, but also to yourself so you feel good) instead of an expectation that he has to do just the same as you do in order for the action to be an acceptable effort?

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Personally, my philosophy is that if someone is kind and thoughtful enough to ask me out to dinner and wants to spend time with just me, I welcome it with open arms. That is a huge sign to me that they love me. What they wear is unimportant, anywhere we eat is wonderful because I'm not doing the cooking.

 

It's great you put in the effort to look nice for him, but how about just doing it as a gift (to him, but also to yourself so you feel good) instead of an expectation that he has to do just the same as you do in order for the action to be an acceptable effort?

 

I hear what you're saying, I just don't agree with it.  I really think that both parties should make an effort to be attractive to their partner when there is an "occasion".  I think it's a nice touch.

 

Not that I wouldn't have gone with him if he hadn't changed, or made snarky remarks.  Neither of those is the case.  I appreciate that he was open to the suggestion and did put on something different.  

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Thanks for all of the responses!  I knew that some people would agree with me and some wouldn't, and I'm enjoying reading everyone's point of view.

 

Also, it just occurred to me that maybe we (meaning, some respondents on this thread and me) have different love languages!  For me, his suggesting we go to dinner was nice but it didn't say "wow! my husband really loves me for doing this special thing!"  What would have given me the warm fuzzies would have been him putting in the effort up front to put his best, sexiest foot forward for me, particularly since what he did choose to wear he knows, without doubt, that I really just find unattractive. 

 

Anyway, it all turned out fine.  He was not offended.  It took about 2 minutes for him to put on something different, we were both happy, and we had a great dinner out at a place we hadn't previously tried.  

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My DH hates to shop.  He has not independently (without me along) bought any clothes for 20 years, therefore, he doesn't have any clothes that I don't like. :lol:

 

 

If he did have on something that I didn't think was appropriate, I would gently suggest that he wear something else.


 

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Glad you had a good date!  My guy would not have been upset at all if I'd requested he change outfits - he's always happy to please.  My boys would have been in the conversation trying to figure out the mysteries of the double X chromosome - great planning for their adult lives.  ;)

 

Just as with your place, there'd have been no animosity at all at ours - just a casual exchange.

 

I'm a "time" person for my love language, so it likely wouldn't have mattered what he wore, but if it did (once in a while this happens), I know how it would play out - we've been married long enough to know.

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I don't sneak it away, I mean if there's something I hate, I talk to him about getting rid of it ("These are WAY too  old and frayed, hon"), instead of having it be a part of his wardrobe rotation so it's there to bug me again and again and again.  

 

Ah, that makes more sense to me.  I read it as you spiriting away items of his you don't like without his knowledge or consent.  Maybe that's because I had recently had a conversation with a woman who thought it was fine for her to do just that, with her husband's and her kids' things.  Actually I seem to have that conversation periodically and it always baffles me because the women who do that never seem to think it's OK for someone to get rid of their stuff.

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I do buy my husband's clothes, but I don't dress him.  I buy what he asks me to buy basically.  If I had my way he would be dressed differently.  Not that I don't get what you mean, but yeah I suspect plenty of women "dress" their husbands.

 

I don't think anyone means it that way, but it seems like some of the comments about women dressing their husbands are a bit condescending.  I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman buying her husband's clothes if she knows what he likes, etc. And certainly if a husband likes his wife's taste and likes her taking care of it all, that's fine too of course.  Whatever works, right?   Seems like a reasonable division of labor sort of thing, if the woman does most of the shopping.   

 

I guess I just don't like the implication of women "dressing" their husbands. 

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I would have made DH change too.

 

A couple weekends ago we celebrated our 21st anniversary.  I was dressed up in a sweater dress, leggings, and knee high boots; he was in brown plaid shorts and a blue polo.  I made him change clothes.

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Thanks for all of the responses!  I knew that some people would agree with me and some wouldn't, and I'm enjoying reading everyone's point of view.

 

Also, it just occurred to me that maybe we (meaning, some respondents on this thread and me) have different love languages!  For me, his suggesting we go to dinner was nice but it didn't say "wow! my husband really loves me for doing this special thing!"  What would have given me the warm fuzzies would have been him putting in the effort up front to put his best, sexiest foot forward for me, particularly since what he did choose to wear he knows, without doubt, that I really just find unattractive. 

 

Anyway, it all turned out fine.  He was not offended.  It took about 2 minutes for him to put on something different, we were both happy, and we had a great dinner out at a place we hadn't previously tried.  

 

Well if you let him know this, he will know in the future to just dress sexy and save on taking you out for a meal. It would probably thrill him to no end - and you'll be happier as well.

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Well if you let him know this, he will know in the future to just dress sexy and save on taking you out for a meal. It would probably thrill him to no end - and you'll be happier as well.

 

A. He already knows.  He chose to not think of it.

B. He wanted to go out to dinner, so it's not like he was doing me any favors

C. I'm completely happy.

 

Geez.  The animosity people are reading into our little 2-minute exchange is a little freaky.

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A. He already knows.  He chose to not think of it.

B. He wanted to go out to dinner, so it's not like he was doing me any favors

C. I'm completely happy.

 

Geez.  The animosity people are reading into our little 2-minute exchange is a little freaky.

 

It is impossible to post anything on the internet without the risk that people will read into it.   People come with their own biases and experiences and that will be reflected in the way they interpret any post.   Just saying. :rolleyes:   At some point the original poster loses control of the thread and it takes on a life of its own.  Just the way it is.  (And not just here; anywhere.)

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Ok, so you probably won't settle it, because I think what I think and that's it.  This isn't a JAWM post, though.  I really am interested in knowing where people stand on this.

 

DH called on his way home from work and suggested the two of us go out to dinner tonight, and maybe to listen to some music, sans kids.  You know, like a date.

 

I took a shower, did my hair, put on some cute clothes, makeup, even perfume!  

 

DH just came downstairs in the pants he owns that I hate the most, and a shirt he knows I can't stand, either.  I asked him to change.

 

DD17 got on me and said I should let the man wear what he wants, that he has the right to be comfortable.  

 

I say yes, I agree, most of the time.  But not tonight.  Tonight we're going on a date, and he should make an effort to look nice for me like I did for him. 

 

DD said I always dress this way and so it isn't about him.  I said no, I'd be more comfortable in yoga pants and sneakers, but I wanted to look nice for the hubs.

 

It's not like I asked him to buy new clothes.  I asked him to make an effort.  

 

Ok, so what do you say?  

 

P.S.  We're on the way out the door, so I probably won't see responses til later.   And, for the record, DH now looks really nice.   ;)

 

1. Your dd was SO out of line to correct you like that.

 

2. When people are going special places and doing special things, they should dress special, whether it's "comfortable" or not. We cannot let "comfort" be the deciding factor on what we wear. If that were the case, some of us would be schlepping around in our jammies all day, lol.

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As for the OP's situation, for me it would make a difference if the shirt and pants were not right for the venue/occasion vs. that I simply didn't like them. If they were appropriate, but not something I liked, I probably wouldn't ask him to change.  If I felt they were "off" for the occasion, I would ask him to change.

 

This.

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1. Your dd was SO out of line to correct you like that.

 

2. When people are going special places and doing special things, they should dress special, whether it's "comfortable" or not. We cannot let "comfort" be the deciding factor on what we wear. If that were the case, some of us would be schlepping around in our jammies all day, lol.

Yeah, no. She wasn't. She didn't correct me. I've already explained that, and it doesn't have anything to so with the question I asked. But thanks for your input about the other thing, though!

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It is impossible to post anything on the internet without the risk that people will read into it. People come with their own biases and experiences and that will be reflected in the way they interpret any post. Just saying. :rolleyes: At some point the original poster loses control of the thread and it takes on a life of its own. Just the way it is. (And not just here; anywhere.)

Yes, of course this is true. It still kind of cracks me up though.

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It is impossible to post anything on the internet without the risk that people will read into it. People come with their own biases and experiences and that will be reflected in the way they interpret any post. Just saying. :rolleyes: At some point the original poster loses control of the thread and it takes on a life of its own. Just the way it is. (And not just here; anywhere.)

Yes, of course this is true. It still kind of cracks me up though.

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Really?  Maybe I typed it wrong, but she wasn't chastising me.  It was just conversation, and a light one at that.  Had there been any attitude involved it would not have gone over well.  

 

It probably is how you typed it. I saw nothing wrong in your request of your husband, but was a bit taken back by your daughter's criticism.

 

It does make sense, though, at 16, if it was said in the context of she's trying to figure out the appropriate way to address a husband and that is how your family took it.

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A. He already knows.  He chose to not think of it.

B. He wanted to go out to dinner, so it's not like he was doing me any favors

C. I'm completely happy.

 

Geez.  The animosity people are reading into our little 2-minute exchange is a little freaky.

 

I don't believe it is animosity when you ask specifically for differing opinions. I wonder why on earth you even started the post asking for people's opinions when you so clearly only want to hear that people agree with you.  This is what cracks me up.

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If my dh came downstairs in the 2 items of clothing he knew I detested then yes, I would strongly suggest he change into something else.  If we had been arguing I would view the clothing choice as passive aggressive nonsense.  If he was just being himself-he clearly forgot I dislike those articles of clothing and he would be happy I told him.   In general, I don't care what he wears as long as it is appropriate.  Over the years he has had a few things I could not stand to be in the same room as and he saves those for when he is going out with his friends.

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Yeah, no. She wasn't. She didn't correct me. I've already explained that, and it doesn't have anything to so with the question I asked. But thanks for your input about the other thing, though!

 

We always answer questions that weren't asked. :D  In your OP, you said, "DD17 got on me and said I should let the man wear what he wants, that he has the right to be comfortable." That sounds like a correction to me.

 

I tried to read all the other replies; sorry I missed your explanation.

 

Carry on. :-)

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