Mango Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I was invited to an "friend's" 40th birthday party. She's a friend, but not a close friend. It's a potluck and her husband told her she could invite 15 friends to her birthday party. I'm supposed to bring a dish to pass. No note about, "No gifts, please." I'm supposed to bring a gift too. If we didn't get invited to each of their 8 children's birthday parties each year, then I think I'd be OK. But I'm starting to feel like if it weren't for their "friends" there wouldn't be a celebration. I know finances are tight. I want to suggest to her that it's time for a new way to celebrate all those birthdays and to reset expectations for her kids. I'm probably going to be yelled at here for saying this but I just don't want to go. I will RSVP by the date though. :)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 You know, you can go and not bring a gift. It's not that unusual for an adult to have a 40th birthday party. It's one of those big years. I get adults lotto scratchers. They're fun, they're cheap, most people don't get them very often, if ever, and sometimes they really pay off! However, I see absolutely no problem with giving her just a card. Or not going at all, if you don't want to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Runningmom80 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I think you can go and not take a gift. Are adults not supposed to have bday parties anymore? I had no idea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I have gone to birthday parties for adult friends. You don't have to go if you don't want to go. Just RSVP "no" now so that she can invite someone else if she wants to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChocolateReignRemix Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I don't understand your issue. If you don't want go...do't go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tita Gidge Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I have birthday parties every year LOL. My twin couldn't care less and humors me on "my" birthday by going all out in acknowledging it. Potlucks are the norm for my family and are extremely common within my community, but something just feels weird (to me) to have a potluck for my birthday party. So if I'm having a birthday party at home, I provide all food and beverage. Usually, though, I just host a dinner at a restaurant and I foot the bill. I figure it's polite if I'm expecting other grown-ups to recognize my grown-up birthdays, that I at least cover the expense of it :rofl: . A few friends bring a gift every year - usually alcohol, which we open during the party. Sometimes a small gag gift. I come from a large family. We had birthday parties every month of the year, always the same Sunday each month. That party covered anyone who had a birthday or feast day that month, since most months had more than one of us LOL. None of us minded too much, but we didn't know any differently. Most of our friends came from large families, too, and parties were an excuse for the extended family and a few close family friends to gather so it was all in good fun - not at all typical of the parties thrown today that are mini-events. If I had to go to 8+ individual mini-event parties, I'd get annoyed. I'd probably start skipping the birthday gifts and buy a family Christmas gift instead. If you want to go, go! You won't be the only one skipping the gift ;) bring a card and call it good. If you don't want to go, don't! The beauty of being an adult is that you don't have to B) Send a card and call it good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I think it's perfectly acceptable to say you can't make the party. I also think it's perfectly acceptable for an adult want to use their 40th birthday party as an excuse to have an adult gathering. Sometimes I think our world is a little too child-centric. If that's not your thing, take a pass on it. I think it's also perfectly fine to take a pass on their kid's birthdays too. If you're being invited to their house 9X a year and bringing potluck and gifts EVERY time, I agree that is too much unless you're super close. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahliarw Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 If you're not sure about gifts, could you do something cheap like making a batch of her favorite cookies (or what might be her favorite). There is nothing wrong with saying you can't make it, though. You don't have to share the why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Parties honoring "decade" birthdays, such as 30, 40, 50, are common in my world. Not as a potluck though. People might offer, and have the offer accepted, of bringing food but the party wouldn't be "billed" as a potluck. Often, decade parties are surprise parties, with gag gifts, adding to the fun. I find it odd that her husband told her how many people she could invite. Trying to imagine my dh saying something like that.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 In my part of the world potluck = no gifts (unless you're someone who would give them a gift anyway). The fact that you're coming and bringing (some) of your own food means that it is more of a social get-together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Wait - you just reminded me that I forgot my brother's 50th birthday card. I wasn't planning on bringing a gift to his party, but at least a card making fun of his old age would have been nice. I would think for the 40th you could bring either a small gag gift, a small gift card, or maybe a bottle of wine or something modest like that. I agree that you can come without a gift, but it's not that hard to pick up a gift card. If you always go to their parties, that is telling them you like being invited. Decline if you prefer to be left out of such things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 The part that bothers me about this is, "Her husband told her she could invite 15 friends..." What's that about? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 The part that bothers me about this is, "Her husband told her she could invite 15 friends..." What's that about? I wondered the same thing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 The part that bothers me about this is, "Her husband told her she could invite 15 friends..." What's that about? Patriarchy run amuck, most likely. Or maybe just space and money constaints, like most partythroers contend with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbeym Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I agree with the PP that said it's not unusual for adults to celebrate milestone birthdays. At 40, a present isn't required IMO, and taking a dish for the potluck would be enough. If it makes you uncomfortable though, you should feel free to decline. I admit I'm bothered by her husband telling her how many friends she could invite. I'm hoping it's a space issue, b/c otherwise my husband would get a death glare for pulling that on me. We're celebrating my 40th this week. I decided we were having it as an "open house" at the beach. I invited all my friends, even the ones I normally wouldn't invite to a smaller gathering, and told them we'd be there all day. We're providing shade, bottled water, a grill for anyone wanting to have a picnic, and dessert. I did tell them gifts were not required, because I wanted it to just be a fun day spent with friends and not really a birthday party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I don't find it to be that unusual for adults to have a party. If you don't approve, then don't go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maela Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I just had a birthday celebration for myself (turning 32). I told DH and about 12 of our closest friends that I wanted to go out for my birthday. We went out to eat and then out to a bar to drink and play pool. It was so fun! I told them no gifts; I just wanted to hang out with them (we all have young kids, so we don't get together much anymore). I don't think there's anything wrong with an adult birthday party - especially for turning forty! But IMHO, I think the adult should request no gifts. I wouldn't be offended or anything if they didn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luanne Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 My mother had a huge party for my sister's 50th birthday. A few people brought gifts and some didn't. I doubt my sister even noticed who did or didn't bring gifts. I don't think having a 40th birthday party is childish at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 My mother had a huge party for my sister's 50th birthday. A few people brought gifts and some didn't. I doubt my sister even noticed who did or didn't bring gifts. I don't think having a 40th birthday party is childish at all. No one wrote down who brought gifts? I always try to get a close guest to do that for me, otherwise sending out thank you cards can be a nightmare! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 WE don't take gifts to adult birthday parties, no matter what it says on the invitation (Etiquette actually says its rude to say "No Gifts please" because that presumes people would bring a gift otherwise!) We go to celebrate the person and have fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Some people like to celebrate. If you don't, then don't go. No big deal. If you don't want to bring a gift, don't. I doubt she is inviting you digging for gifts. I have nobody to celebrate anything with (other than my husband, 2 kids, and my dad). So we never really have parties. I'd love to be invited to a party. I don't even care what the celebration was about. : Aw, I'd invite you to a party! I doubt you live near me though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Patriarchy run amuck, most likely. Or maybe just space and money constaints, like most partythroers contend with. I guess we approach space differently, when it comes to this type of party. We invite as many as we'd like, and then deal with the space once we know who is coming. The more the merrier is our motto! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indigomama Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 My husband threw me a birthday party one year. It was a no kids, bring a dessert to share and a game you'd like to play-type party. We had all our close friends come and had so much fun. We all had young kids and didn't take adult only breaks often. The next year, several people asked if I was having another party for my birthday because they had so much fun. I wasn't planning on it, but we decided to do it anyway. It became a fun much anticipated tradition until we moved out of state. We even started having them for my husband:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I agree that a "no gifts" comment on a 40 party would be a bit presumptuous. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 My 40th was a "surprise" - my brother bought me a cake which he laid out at a baby shower or something for his stepkid. LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 My husband threw me a birthday party one year. It was a no adults, bring a dessert to share and a game you'd like to play-type party. We had all our close friends come and had so much fun. We all had young kids and didn't take adult only breaks often. The next year, several people asked if I was having another party for my birthday because they had so much fun. I was planning on it, but we decided to do it anyway. It became a fun much anticipated tradition until we moved out of state. We even started having them for my husband:) A dessert and a game to play! That sounds like fun. I wouldn't mind doing that on a monthly basis with my friends, birthday or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maela Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I agree that a "no gifts" comment on a 40 party would be a bit presumptuous. :)Ah, I never thought of it that way! Makes sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maela Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 A dessert and a game to play! That sounds like fun. I wouldn't mind doing that on a monthly basis with my friends, birthday or not.Agreed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellalarella Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 A handwritten note with kind words for the birthday girl would be nice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Maybe the husband has another activity planned for the guests, like bringing in a masseuse or something....This is the latest trend in birthday parties where I live. I would bring your dish, and a card or little plant, something fun and inexpensive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I guess we approach space differently, when it comes to this type of party. We invite as many as we'd like, and then deal with the space once we know who is coming. The more the merrier is our motto! And by "we" I am assuming you mean you vs. the OP's friend's husband, not me...because I gave no opinion about how I approach space and parties. I just said that most party throwers have space and money constraints. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I'm pretty sure it's been established by The Hive that writing "no gifts" on the invite is bad etiquette, so that's why it wasn't on your invite. Go, bring a dish, get her a card and a tiny gift like one of those mini boxes of Whitman's chocolates with 4 chocolates in them. Or no gift at all if you don't feel like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 And by "we" I am assuming you mean the OP's friend's husband...because I gave no opinion about how I approach space and parties. I just said that most party throwers have space and money constraints. Yes....... if that was his reasoning. However, in our house, dh and I would figure that part out together, unless he was throwing me a surprise party. I'd rather invite 30 than pick and choose, and just make it work..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs_JWM Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I'm having a roller-skating party for my 40th and making everyone bring a bag of candy. It will be EPIC! Just 4 more years, baby! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I have been to lots of adult birthday parties - lots of fun and there are never gifts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Most adults I know have birthday parties for the big years, 21, 30, 40, 50, 60 etc. The 50th is usually a huge shindig with a rented hall, theme etc. You do not have to take a gift. A potluck to celebrate a birthday is a fun way to do so. It seems to me that she considers you a friend more than you consider her one, and if I had invited someone that held the attitude you do I would actually be hurt and likely would bump it down from friendship to civil acquiantance. Just RSVP no and don't go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilaclady Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I think it is ok for an adult to celebrate their birthdays. Just take a card if you care to go and have fun Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Esperella Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 My husband and I were just invited to a party. We would have had to hire a babysitter, pay for our own dinner (a buffet at 35-40$ depending on drinks, a person) AND bring a gift. We are not super close with these people and I thought the entire thing was presumptuous. It seemed like a ton of money to ask people to spend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Invitations are not command appearances. If you don't genuinely want to celebrate an occasion with someone then do them a favor (really!) and say "no thank you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I was invited to an "friend's" 40th birthday party. She's a friend, but not a close friend. It's a potluck and her husband told her she could invite 15 friends to her birthday party. I'm supposed to bring a dish to pass. No note about, "No gifts, please." I'm supposed to bring a gift too. If we didn't get invited to each of their 8 children's birthday parties each year, then I think I'd be OK. But I'm starting to feel like if it weren't for their "friends" there wouldn't be a celebration. I know finances are tight. I want to suggest to her that it's time for a new way to celebrate all those birthdays and to reset expectations for her kids. I'm probably going to be yelled at here for saying this but I just don't want to go. I will RSVP by the date though. :)) I'm quite pleased that they didn't include anything about gifts. Points for them. :-) You are never "supposed" to bring a gift. If you want to bring a gift, do; if not, don't. If you can't afford a gift, a nice card would be fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkInTheBlue Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 My birthday is Thursday and you'd better believe I'm having a birthday party! :) I'll be 41 and I think birthdays are awesome. I believe in celebrating the existence of people you care about. However, I do NOT believe gifts are, or especially must, be a part of that. I love the chance of being around the people I care about for my birthday and I love being around others on their day. Go and don't worry about a gift. If it's someone that would be annoyed, or even notice, they didn't get a gift from you then they aren't someone I, personally, would be much of friends with. My 2 :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBanjoClown Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 It sounds like fun to me! Honestly, do what you want to do. I haven't been invited to a friend's birthday party in about 8 years (best friend's husband's 30th was the last one I think). In our family (our parents, brothers, and sister), we tend to just all get together and eat out to celebrate someone's birthday. Gifts are not expected, but sometimes people bring them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbeym Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 My birthday is Thursday and you'd better believe I'm having a birthday party! :) I'll be 41 and I think birthdays are awesome. I believe in celebrating the existence of people you care about. However, I do NOT believe gifts are, or especially must, be a part of that. I love the chance of being around the people I care about for my birthday and I love being around others on their day. Go and don't worry about a gift. If it's someone that would be annoyed, or even notice, they didn't get a gift from you then they aren't someone I, personally, would be much of friends with. My 2 :) Mine's tomorrow too! I'm quite pleased that they didn't include anything about gifts. Points for them. :-) You are never "supposed" to bring a gift. If you want to bring a gift, do; if not, don't. If you can't afford a gift, a nice card would be fine. I know I'm weird and see most things from a different perspective, and I'm not trying to derail the OP's thread, but I honestly don't get why it's so wrong/rude to say no gifts. I know it's wrong to assume people will give you gifts, but IME that's what happens anyway. Invites to birthday parties come with an automatic expectation of a gift for the birthday person. While I do know people that would be perfectly fine with me showing up without a gift, that's not the case for everyone. Some people I know get our declination because I don't want or can't afford to give them something. IMO, by indicating "no gifts" you've let your guests know that you value their presence more than a physical object and I don't think that's rude. I certainly wouldn't want any of my friends to purposely skip my get together Saturday just b/c they felt obligated to bring a gift and couldn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivka Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 We're going to Disneyworld for my 40th birthday. If it's greedy to have a potluck and a party, I can't imagine what people are going to think of me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Mine's tomorrow too! I know I'm weird and see most things from a different perspective, and I'm not trying to derail the OP's thread, but I honestly don't get why it's so wrong/rude to say no gifts. I know it's wrong to assume people will give you gifts, but IME that's what happens anyway. Invites to birthday parties come with an automatic expectation of a gift for the birthday person. While I do know people that would be perfectly fine with me showing up without a gift, that's not the case for everyone. Some people I know get our declination because I don't want or can't afford to give them something. IMO, by indicating "no gifts" you've let your guests know that you value their presence more than a physical object and I don't think that's rude. I certainly wouldn't want any of my friends to purposely skip my get together Saturday just b/c they felt obligated to bring a gift and couldn't. By saying "no gifts" on the invitation, you're saying that you clearly expect people to bring them. That you have sent people invitations already implies that you value their presence; it is not necessary to point out that you assume that they are bringing gifts by telling them not to. If they call and ask what they should bring, you say, "Oh, gosh, you don't need to bring a gift--we just want you to come!!" And people will bring gifts anyway, whether you say something on the invitation, because they love you and want to give you something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 By saying "no gifts" on the invitation, you're saying that you clearly expect people to bring them. That you have sent people invitations already implies that you value their presence; it is not necessary to point out that you assume that they are bringing gifts by telling them not to. If they call and ask what they should bring, you say, "Oh, gosh, you don't need to bring a gift--we just want you to come!!" And people will bring gifts anyway, whether you say something on the invitation, because they love you and want to give you something. I agree. The only time I have seen the no gifts sentiment on an invitation that didn't come across as horridly presumptuous was a 50th birthday invitation. It read, "Please honor xxxxx with the gift of your presence and a favorite memeory to share as we celebrate this special day". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I read this post last night. I've been trying to think of a way to say this nicely ever since, but I can't think of a tactful response, so here's the untactful one: I think that any "friendship" that needs to be put in quotation marks isn't much of a friendship. It sounds to me like she invited you because she likes you and values your company and wants you there to celebrate with her.. It sounds to me, from your post, like you don't feel the same way. If you decline, maybe she can invite a friend to fill that space who genuinely values her friendship and wants to celebrate a special day with her. And if I'm reading too much into the post, or you came across as unfriendly toward this woman because you were feeling grumpy, I get it. I've done the same thing. If that's the case, then go and please try to enjoy the party and make the day about celebrating a friend. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I read this post last night. I've been trying to think of a way to say this nicely ever since, but I can't think of a tactful response, so here's the untactful one: I think that any "friendship" that needs to be put in quotation marks isn't much of a friendship. It sounds to me like she invited you because she likes you and values your company and wants you there to celebrate with her.. It sounds to me, from your post, like you don't feel the same way. If you decline, maybe she can invite a friend to fill that space who genuinely values her friendship and wants to celebrate a special day with her. And if I'm reading too much into the post, or you came across as unfriendly toward this woman because you were feeling grumpy, I get it. I've done the same thing. If that's the case, then go and please try to enjoy the party and make the day about celebrating a friend. Cat I have had the same thoughts since reading this thread, and haven't been able to formulate a response that didn't sound snarky. Cat said it better than I could. I hope that none of my friends ever put our friendship in quotes. :( OP, maybe it's a matter of family culture, and your family does not generally celebrate adult birthdays? Or you feel that your friendship isn't significant enough to celebrate birthdays? Gifts are always optional, so don't let that stop you. Whatever the reason, I hope you'll let your "friend" know that you won't be attending so that she can invite another friend to celebrate her milestone birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renmew Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Agreed. My friends and I actually do this about once a month or two. We call it a parent play date. It's a potluck, we bring pajamas for the kids, and we hang out, drinking, and playing games until midnight or so. Some people leave earlier, some later. My kids love it... and so do I! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I agree with Cat about the quotes. The quotes indicate that possibly this person is not truly your friend, but an acquaintance. I would probably not choose to take the time out of a hectic schedule and do a potluck for someone who is only an acquaintance. And, I do get how it can be that some people come to use the term friend to describe you when that isn't how you see the relationship at all. We have that problem in our 4-H club. We are 4-H leaders; we see these families once per month. We prefer not to socialize outside the club; since there are 20 kids involved if everyone decided to invite us to their social events, yowza, we'd go nuts if we tried to juggle it. We see our leadership as a professional relationship and not one of offering personal relationship. We do not invite the other families to social events except the rocket team parents and that's just because the rocket team kids spend easily 100 hours together during the competitive season and then we travel to Virginia together. It has developed into a close knit bunch due to the nature of the beast. So, there is genuine friendship formed. However, we still have families in the club who think we should socialize outside of 4-H on a very intense basis, including giving not only the 4-H member a birthday gift, but also all of those children's sibs who AREN'T a part of the club. It gets frustrating and sticky trying to help people see the clear delineation between knowing someone as an acquaintance or in professional life, than as a true friend. Some have great social skills. Some not so much, and they do not understand the fundamental difference between being friendly and being a friend...very, very different. The Op's use of quotes makes me think of this. OP, you mentioned that the inviters have 8 children and your family is invited to all 8 of those birthday parties. That is a lot of socializing and especially if you have not actually formed an attachment to the parents on your own end. In this case, yep it's a lot of parties, and it may make it feel like there is an ulterior motive on their part that isn't actually there. Likely the mom thinks of you with some fondness regardless of whether or not you reciprocate. Just simply decline. You don't have to make excuses or explanations. No obligation or guilt necessary. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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