How do your children address non related adults

[laughing lioness]

Mr. or Miss. + first name- we lived in NM for a long while- it's a very southern thang to do. Or "sir" or "ma'am", or Mr. or Mrs. They very rarely address adults by first name only.

[renmew]

I remember growing up I called my friend's parents Mr./Mrs. Last name, just like all the adults at school. However, I've noticed things are very different here in Los Angeles now. We don't associate with a lot of people, but this is what my kids do:

 

Most adults at school are Mr./Mrs. Last name

Young adults working after school program Miss/Mr. First name

Coaches are Coach First name

My BFF and her dh are called by their first names, like their kids do to me. My kids call their grandparents Grandma/Papa first name and vice versa.

With adult strangers, which is rare for us, I would introduce to my kids as Mr./Mrs. Last name until corrected otherwise. Although, I do remember my kids called my sister's future dh by his first name right off the bat. Maybe it was his age. My bad.

[Hannah]

Here it depends largely on the cultural background of the person which is mostly denoted by their language group.

So, in general, for Afrikaans speakers the culture is to be called uncle (oom) or aunt (tannie) First Name regardless of the relationship to the person. Some English speakers follow this norm and others prefer first names (we normally ask and I prefer my first name myself).

For teachers, we call them Mr or Mrs/Miss Last Name.

In Sesotho, the words for father(ntate)and mother(mme)are commonly used to show respect for one's elders.

 

ETA: At work we call each other by our first name. I'm in a management position and often get called mme or mama by the Sesotho speakers.

[myfunnybunch]

 

By and large, I think this really isn't the big deal that many people make it out to be. It's not hard to say "What name would you prefer my children use when addressing you?" if you are uncertain how to proceed. I don't see how asking could possibly insult anyone, but I don't know everyone, so you never know!

 

This. It's just not that difficult. I've taught my children to ask if they are unsure. *I* ask if I am unsure. I've got a doctor who prefers to go by her first name. When she introduced herself that way, I double-checked, "Would you rather I call you Firstname or Dr. Lastname?" (To which she very politely replied, "I usually go by Firstname, but if you are more comfortable with Dr. Lastname, that's fine too.") I don't think there's anything wrong with saying politely, with a smile to a child or the parents, "I prefer to be called Mrs. Lastname please." No need to get knickers twisted when a little kind courtesy will do. :)

[Renthead Mommy]

Reading this I realized growing up that the only people I ever heard called "Miss" was Miss Ellie on Dallas. Everybody called her that from her husband to her kids to other characters on the show. (But I think Bobby called her Mama, but referred to her as Miss Ellie). Only other place you heard it was comments and jokes from Gone with the Wind. I never went to preschool. And I never read GWTW till college and didn't see the whole movie till then either. Needless to say when I moved to NC I was sort of freaked out that that still went on down there. It felt wrong. Sort of like the plantation wedding thing wrong, since I was standing in the south and all.

[KungFuPanda]

Growing up, I was taught to call adults by Mrs/Mr. First Name and use ma'am and sir. Actually , I still use sir and ma'am out of habit. When with friends or adults from my father's community, depending on who they were, I would call them aunt/uncle in Arabic (out of respect....they weren't actually related but it was like saying my mother's sister or father's brother), by their oldest child's name so calling them father of so and so or so and so's mom, or just plainly by my first name. I honestly don't care if a child calls me by my first name so long as it isn't my child. I don't even enforce calling me aunt name on my nieces and nephews. I will teach my kids to use the terms I was taught though except perhaps to change Mrs and Mr first name to last name.

 

 

I LOVE this about Arabic. I'm bad with names, and generally remember a child's name easier and faster than the parents'. I WISH it was socially acceptable here to call someone "Hey, Nick's mom!"

[LucyStoner]

Whatever the adult prefers. Around here that is mostly first name. I am very uncomfortable with being called Miss Katie and I would rather my kids call people something they are comfortable with. If someone wants their kid to use a title around here (rare but it happens) they are almost always telling their kid to call me Miss First name. Ugh. I can't stand it.

 

I generally want other people's kids to call me by my first name unless that would be uncomfortable for the child. If they must use a title then please, let's stick to my last name. Ms. Lastname to be precise.

 

If the rule is when in Rome, when in my city the rule/norm is everyone first name outside of school, church, medical offices etc.

[Tita Gidge]

We use different forms of addressing, depending on the relationship. Same as most people, it seems.

 

Family friends, my friends, and any adult who knows my kid well enough to pick the right ice cream flavor go by (some version of) Auntie or Uncle. Most of my friends are Tita or Tito, even those who aren't from my culture :laugh: and most of my husband's friends are Auntie or Uncle. If someone was MY Tita or Tito, they are also (now) my kids' Tita or Tito.

 

My husband's sister insists my kids call her by her first name only. It makes my kids feel weird, so they try to avoid calling her anything to her face. When referring to her, they call her Dad's sister. Her husband likes being called Uncle and encourages their kids call me Tita. I love that those two little white babies call me Auntie in my own language! But I'd have been happy with just Auntie, too. This beggar ain't choosin' - I'm just glad they're not calling me by my first name only!

 

Titles are important to us. We always use a professional title where applicable (Father, Doctor, Professor, Sgt., Coach, etc.) and a personal title as the default (Mr., Mrs., Miss.) Acquaintances and New-To-Us-People are in this category, usually other parents from our extracurriculars. But also teachers, anyone we pay a service for, my work colleagues, and parents of the kids' friends*. I still call my parent's social network by Mr. and Mrs. LastName, unless they're inner circle (and thereby Tito or Tita). Most typically we do Title LastName, but we're open to Title FirstName. I don't dwell on it much, just play it by ear.

 

 

*Each kid can use a more familiar name for his friend's parents, but the other kids in my family are expected to use the personal title when referring or addressing that same parent. Personal title can be Mrs. Lastname or Miss Firstname, depending on the parent's expressed preference for last name or first name. If the mom doesn't like Miss, the kids will use her first name to her face but will always refer to her as Miss Firstname because that's just what feels more right to us. These were not hard-fast rules that we spent a long time formulating. It's just how I grew up, so what I defaulted to with my own kids.

[albeto]

The bit you left out did not explain it?

 

No, not really. I'm missing how names convey "respect and deference." If one of my children called you "Mrs. Mungo" and behaved a particular way, a way in which you interpreted as appropriate respect and deference, but another one of my children called you "Gladys" or whatever your first name is, but behaved in the same way, would you conclude the second one lacked respect and deference? That's one of the things I'm trying to figure out; if all face-to-face interactions are equal, why is a particular name considered disrespectful if all other variables are the same? To put it bluntly, what perceived power is not being acknowledged when a sir name is not used? I don't mean in a professional setting, but in the neighborhood.

 

It is about respect and deference, not just authority. I give up my seat on the metro to an elderly person out of respect and deference, not out of a position of authority.

 

The other thing that confuses me is the comment that all are equal in God's eyes. If all are equal in God's eyes, and a Christian is called to be holy like God, why would they assume they deserve more respect and deference than the child? Why not equal respect and deference?

[Mrs Mungo]

Albeto-did you read all of the posts in this thread? Plenty of people would be offended by a child calling an adult by their first name. Plenty of other people don't like the use of an honorific. It depends upon your local culture. We are talking societal/micro-culture norms. If you want to wear flip-flops to a wedding or a bright red dress to a funeral, go for it, but be aware that you are breaking societal rules and may offend someone.

[kristi26]

It really depends on who it is. At church, they are Mr. or Mrs. First Name. At co-op they are Mrs. Last Name. My friends? Just the first name.

[albeto]

Albeto-did you read all of the posts in this thread? Plenty of people would be offended by a child calling an adult by their first name. Plenty of other people don't like the use of an honorific. It depends upon your local culture. We are talking societal/micro-culture norms. If you want to wear flip-flops to a wedding or a bright red dress to a funeral, go for it, but be aware that you are breaking societal rules and may offend someone.

 

I'm not asking about local culture. I'm asking Crimson Wife how she reconciles two seemingly incongruous statements.

 

Statement one: All people are equal in God's Eyes

Statement two: Some Christians work to maintain an unequal balance of power

[unsinkable]

If I ever get a cat, I will name her

 

Missus Gladys Mungo

 

In honor of this board.

[Mrs Mungo]

 

 

I'm not asking about local culture. I'm asking Crimson Wife how she reconciles two seemingly incongruous statements.

 

Statement one: All people are equal in God's Eyes

Statement two: Some Christians work to maintain an unequal balance of power

 

Or you could read it:

All people are equal in God's eyes.

People are not God, therefore we work with the societal construct in which we live.

 

 

[Tita Gidge]

I have the sudden urge to re-read Animal Farm.

[albeto]

Or you could read it:

All people are equal in God's eyes.

People are not God, therefore we work with the societal construct in which we live.

 

I can understand this in the direction of teaching children to call adults by their sir name, at least until they have been invited by the adult to address them differently. It's the other way around that is confusing me. Perhaps there is no answer. Perhaps this is an example of simply following tradition, following old habits, and nothing more. Anyway, thanks for trying to help me understand.

 

:)

[Wabi Sabi]

I voted other.

 

We do mostly first names, but we have a good number of Miss Firstname and Mrs. Lastnames in our circles too. Overall, it just depends on what the person wishes to be called. When in doubt, I've instructed my kids to use the Mrs/Mr. Lastname titles until instructed otherwise.

 

That said, I personally HATE the Miss Firstname trend. I have a friend who has her children call me Mrs. Firstname and I don't care for it at all. She's southern, so I suppose she's being polite, but I still don't like it. I'd prefer to just be called by my first name, or if she must, Mrs. Lastname.

 

ETA: My kids also have contact with lots of random elderly people who they don't really know and in those cases I've told them to just stick with ma'am and sir.

[Caroline]

I grew up in Columbia, Maryland, which is a suburb of both Baltimore and Washington. We all called everyone Mr. and Mrs. Lastname, except very close friends. I can count on my fingers the number of adults I called by their first names and still have fingers left over. However, some of you are posting that that is not the case anymore in that area. I think that is interesting. To this day, even though I am 43, I still call my friends' parents Mr. and Mrs. Lastname.

 

My kids call adults whatever the adult asks them to call them.

[HRAAB]

Mr./Mrs. Last Name unless the person asks to be addressed another way.

[Joker]

How often do some of you actually have an adult say they would rather be called something other than how you introduce them to your kids? I have never had that happen in the 13 years I've been a parent. I would never think of correcting someone if they introduced their child to me and used my first name (although it's never happened), so I find it odd to do it in any case.

[Firefly]

It's happened to me many times-- I'll say, "This is [Mrs. Lastname]" and the person will say, "Oh no, just [firstname] is fine," or "You can call me [firstname]."

[Mommyof4ks]

My kids address other adults however the adult prefers to be addressed. If they are over 50, then we generally stick with Mrs. Last name here until corrected. For people younger than that we just ask what they want to be called if they do not offer anything specific. I am not old, and thus I want to be called by my first name, but I was just 21 when I had my first, so I might change my mind by the time I become a grandma in 10 years or so. I associate the traditional Mrs. Last Name Here with older people in my world.

[myfunnybunch]

How often do some of you actually have an adult say they would rather be called something other than how you introduce them to your kids? I have never had that happen in the 13 years I've been a parent. I would never think of correcting someone if they introduced their child to me and used my first name (although it's never happened), so I find it odd to do it in any case.

 

We usually introduce adults to my children as Mr./Mrs. Lastname. More often than not, in our area, the adult will say some variant of, "You can call me Firstname." I usually say the same when introduced to a child as Mrs. Lastname, though I usually add, "If it's all right with your parents." I don't see it as correcting so much as clarifying my preference. Since it is clearly an issue that makes others feel awkward, I'd far rather make everyone comfortable by addressing the question of what I (or they) prefer to be called. :)

[lavender's green]

It seems to be Mr/Miss Firstname here in NC.

 

When I was growing up in MI (not very long ago at all), adults often went by their first name only, unless it was a teacher or elderly person. It was a little confusing because you couldn't just assume anyone would be okay with Firstname, and everyone acted awkward when you asked. I prefer my new local culture where there's more of a rule about it and no one has to guess or ask.

[Joker]

I don't see it as correcting so much as clarifying my preference. Since it is clearly an issue that makes others feel awkward, I'd far rather make everyone comfortable by addressing the question of what I (or they) prefer to be called. :)

 

Hmm, maybe you've touched on something there. I do see it a bit as correcting, but only because I don't wish for my kids to be so familiar with those we aren't very close to. I get it may be their preference to be called by their first name, but it is my preference for my children to use their last names (which is why they were introduced that way). They call family by their first names and they call close family friends by their first names, but that is it. I guess I'm failing to see why one preference is okay but the other is not.

[Audrey]

Close personal friends they call Uncle/Aunt ------.

 

Everyone else is Mr./Mrs. Last Name. I think the trend of children and teens calling adults by their first name is disrespectful.

 

My children do use ma'am and sir as well.

 

 

 

I'm not disagreeing with you, Heather, but I just wanted to note something about ma'am/sir. I was surprised to find that it is not universally considered respectful. I was raised on ma'am and sir, but here... that is not a convention at all. In fact, people tend to take it that you are mocking them or something. I don't really understand why, but I stopped doing it (and don't teach ds to do it), out of respect.

 

I do stick with Mr/Ms./Mrs. (or M./Mme depending on the person) though and teach ds to do that unless they ask to be called something else.

[bolt.]

I get it may be their preference to be called by their first name, but it is my preference for my children to use their last names (which is why they were introduced that way). They call family by their first names and they call close family friends by their first names, but that is it. I guess I'm failing to see why one preference is okay but the other is not.

Mostly because one preference is regarding ones "own" name, and the other preference is regarding what way you/yours choose to name other people. Generally, "my name, my decision" seems to trump "my kids, my decision" if such an issue comes head to head -- but I sure can see weight on both sides.

 

To see how others object to "my kids, my decision" thinking, imagine that you had a friend-family who took it into their heads that your cat's name was not OK with them. Let's say there is a "real reason" -- perhaps your cat is named after a character in a book they find unsuitable. So, those parents simply picked a new name for your cat and instructed their children to call *your* cat by the new name, insisting on it in your presence. You'd probably have a bit of a reaction like, "Hey, it's *my* cat -- why do you think you get to just mess with its name?" That's akin to the sensation some people get when a parent instructs their child to use a name for themself that they are not OK with, or if they have another preference. "It's *my* name -- what makes you think you have final say over what *anyone* calls me." (Even if they might be far too polite to say so.)

 

I do get the other side though -- you don't want your kids to be unmannerly or "too familiar" in your own estimation so you are willing to set up a systematic approach to naming others, based on that preference... but naming others can be a big deal. Naming another person often expresses a 'power dynamic' -- and one's own name can be very close to the heart for many people -- whereas children's manners are rarely such an intense issue. If an adult has rejected a version of their name, for their own reasons, I think that's an important preference to respect. I don't think children get a free pass to step on toes like that... especially not to do so in the name of 'being respectful'.

[Laurie4b]

This I understand. Soldiers approaching their commanding officer is different than neighborhood kids approaching one of the local moms, though. Your husband has a specific authority over his soldiers. As a mother in the neighborhood, I don't have any authority over other people's kids. This is my disconnect.

 

If an aggressive dog, bad guy, or rabid raccoon came careening onto your street and it was you and the neighborhood kids outside, would everyone be equal and you would expect the kids to have an equal voice and role in assessing the problem and intervening, or would you step up to deal with it and protect the children and hope that they followed exactly what you said? That's what people mean when they say not everyone in society is equal even if they are equal in the eyes of God. The kids would look to you as the authority in that situation. It doesn't really matter much whether they call you by your first name or not; however, some people prefer their kid use a title in front of first name to denote the greater knowledge & responsibility that adults have, and hence the respect they want them to be given.

[Joker]

Laurie4b, I honestly couldn't care less if someone gives my pet a different name because it wouldn't change the actual name or what we called him/her. It wouldn't bother me just like it wouldn't bother me if another family instructed their children to call me by my first name. It's not what I would prefer, but I would not tell them something different. It's really just something I've never encountered and don't really understand.

[albeto]

If an aggressive dog, bad guy, or rabid raccoon came careening onto your street and it was you and the neighborhood kids outside, would everyone be equal and you would expect the kids to have an equal voice and role in assessing the problem and intervening, or would you step up to deal with it and protect the children and hope that they followed exactly what you said? That's what people mean when they say not everyone in society is equal even if they are equal in the eyes of God. The kids would look to you as the authority in that situation.

 

You're talking about some people possessing a skill that others don't have (identifying a problem, a solution, and how to execute that solution effectively). Unless you're suggesting skills (production in general) denote how much respect one is worthy of, it doesn't answer my question.

 

Horton's comment, however, really makes sense to me, but that's not a matter of respect so much as a matter of teaching particular social skills.

 

 

Edit:

It doesn't really matter much whether they call you by your first name or not; however, some people prefer their kid use a title in front of first name to denote the greater knowledge & responsibility that adults have, and hence the respect they want them to be given.

 

You're suggesting the idea that knowledge and responsibility a measure of worthiness of respect. If that's so, then why are all people equal in God's eyes? And why wouldn't a Christian (supposedly made into a "new creature," that is, a creature born of the spirit and not flesh) not similarly see and treat all people equally? And again, I'm not talking about in the professional workplace, but in a casual, informal setting like the neighborhood.

[myfunnybunch]

 

Hmm, maybe you've touched on something there. I do see it a bit as correcting, but only because I don't wish for my kids to be so familiar with those we aren't very close to. I get it may be their preference to be called by their first name, but it is my preference for my children to use their last names (which is why they were introduced that way). They call family by their first names and they call close family friends by their first names, but that is it. I guess I'm failing to see why one preference is okay but the other is not.

 

Interesting. I learn so much about other perspectives here on this board, even when it comes to introductions. :) But I'm not saying one form of address is ok and the other isn't. (Though I understand others in this discussion have very strong preferences in this regard.) I see it--whether the stated preference is to go by Firstname or Mr./Mrs. Lastname--more as a matter of deference to the preference of the person being addressed, which is never bad manners. And I think it's perfectly fine for a parent to also courteously return with, "For now, we'd prefer Suzie and Johnny call non-family adults by Mr./Mrs. Lastname," if it's something about which the parent feels strongly. Any adult with decent manners would, in turn, respect the wishes of the child's parents. Better to have a short conversation about it than to sit around irritated by other people who don't automatically know to do things the way WE do them. (Not saying that you do that! I'm just saying that communicating preferences politely usually gets everyone on the same page, at least when all parties involved are able to be reasonable and flexible.)

[goldberry]

I first answered it depends on the age, then changed to other.

 

It depends on how the adult is introduced to them. If the adult (usually much older adults) is introduced as "This is Mrs. Jones" then that is how DD would refer to her, even if she later heard someone else call her "Mary". If the adult is introduced as, "This is Mary, Kate's grandmother" then she would call her Mary.

 

I had to think about this, as I don't think anymore there is a general rule but more a learning how to read social cues.

 

Can't stand the Mrs.First Name thing...

[Farrar]

Albeto, in Quaker tradition, that's why first names are used and titles eschewed in general. So that idea of equality in God's eyes can be interpreted just the way you're implying. Though, obviously, not in all Christian traditions.

 

And, coming from that perspective, that's one of the reasons I do generally assume that my kids will call adults by their first name and why I prefer to be called by mine, including when I was teaching professionally.

 

If an adult prefers otherwise, of course we call people what they prefer. However, it's the overwhelming norm in my circles of friends that the kids call the adults by their names. Certainly, that's how my kids call all the parents of their close friends.

[staceyobu]

I would love to see someone do a poll on this based on geography. We've always done mr./miss first name. Funny, I've never asked another adult what they wanted to go by because I thought it was obvious that everyone went by mr./miss first name. Now I'm wondering whose feathers we have ruffled by doing that...

[alpidarkomama]

We use Mr. and Mrs. Last Name, but if they are close friends, they are Auntie and Uncle First Names. :) In our southern Jewish community...

[lailasmum]

First names are totally normal here. Even my elderly neighbours are happy to just use first names. I personally hate being called by a title. I never took my husbands name so mrs dh last name would likely not get a response anyway because its not a name I've learnt to associate with myself.

[Heather in Neverland]

 

 

 

I'm not disagreeing with you, Heather, but I just wanted to note something about ma'am/sir. I was surprised to find that it is not universally considered respectful. I was raised on ma'am and sir, but here... that is not a convention at all. In fact, people tend to take it that you are mocking them or something. I don't really understand why, but I stopped doing it (and don't teach ds to do it), out of respect.

 

I do stick with Mr/Ms./Mrs. (or M./Mme depending on the person) though and teach ds to do that unless they ask to be called something else.

 

 

It's so interesting how regionally-based this is. For my kids, even if an adult says, "You can call me Joe," they still say "Mr. Smith." Respect for elders is so ingrained in them that it makes them very uncomfortable to call an adult by their first name.

 

I have recently been in contact with a former student of mine. She is now 29 years old and still calls me Mrs. Fischer. I told her she can call me Heather now, she is an adult, but she won't. :). She says she respects me too much for that.

 

Sir and ma'am are not usually used here, either, but it's too much of a habit now. In fact, I still use them! Old habits die hard.

 

 

[kiwik]

First name with a few exceptions. 1/ teachers at school, 2/ my elderly neighbour. I never called anyone other than their first name except a couple of great uncles, great grandparents, one grandmother and my school teachers. I never called my parents anything other than their first names for that matter.

 

They will refer to someone as such and suches mother but that is laziness.

 

Oh and miss or mr first and is for adressing children not adults.

[PachiSusan]

I ask the adult on question which way they prefer to be called and have taught Melissa to do the same.

[Donna]

It depends on who the adult is. My dd has many adult friends who would think it weird if she called them Mr. or Mrs. but there are also adults in her life she calls Mr. and Mrs. (last name) usually older adults or parents of a friend who haven't asked her to call them by their first name.

[linders]

I voted other, because it seems to depend on the region/adult. Back in Washington state, most of our adult friends wanted the boys to call them by their first name. Here in the South, most adults want Mr./Miss first name, although a few older ones prefer Mr./Miss last name. I tell the boys to err on the side of formal until an adult lets them know otherwise. I was used to being called by my first name and thought it weird to be called "Mrs. X" down here - I quickly correct it to "Miss Y" in keeping with the standard.

[Laura Corin]

My boys address all unrelated adults as "Sir" or "Ma'am".

 

I think it would sound sarcastic if my children did that here.

 

L

[QueenCat]

I grew up in Columbia, Maryland, which is a suburb of both Baltimore and Washington. We all called everyone Mr. and Mrs. Lastname, except very close friends. I can count on my fingers the number of adults I called by their first names and still have fingers left over. However, some of you are posting that that is not the case anymore in that area. I think that is interesting. To this day, even though I am 43, I still call my friends' parents Mr. and Mrs. Lastname.

 

My kids call adults whatever the adult asks them to call them.

 

:iagree: But my cousins and sister tell me that Mr/Miss First Name is now far more common than Last Name. And I would almost bet you didn't call any of them Sir or Ma'am.

[QueenCat]

My boys address all unrelated adults as "Sir" or "Ma'am".

 

Where I grew up, in Central Maryland, this would have been considered extremely rude and sarcastic. I knew kids who got sent to the principal's office for calling a teacher Ma'am. and no, they weren't being intentionally sarcastic. They had moved to MD from the south, and didn't know the local customs. I moved to the Atlanta area, where it was more common to call adults Sir/Ma'am but there are enough transients in the area that one isn't considered rude if they don't.... Here in TN, you see more of it but I prefer to not be called Ma'am...

[Caroline]

 

 

:iagree: But my cousins and sister tell me that Mr/Miss First Name is now far more common than Last Name. And I would almost bet you didn't call any of them Sir or Ma'am.

 

There was no Sir or Ma'am when I was growing up. It was an adjustment when moved to Atlanta.

 

I don't doubt that Miss/Mr Firstname is the norm where we grew up. It is just interesting to see how times have changed.

[BugsMama]

Military kids here-

 

Sir, Ma'am, Mr./Miss First Name

[Laura Corin]

First names are totally normal here. Even my elderly neighbours are happy to just use first names. I personally hate being called by a title. I never took my husbands name so mrs dh last name would likely not get a response anyway because its not a name I've learnt to associate with myself.

 

Yes, my 89yo mother is called 'Rosalind' by everyone except her grandchildren, who call her 'Nanna'.

 

L

[QueenCat]

There was no Sir or Ma'am when I was growing up. It was an adjustment when moved to Atlanta.

 

I don't doubt that Miss/Mr Firstname is the norm where we grew up. It is just interesting to see how times have changed.

 

It was a shock when I moved to Atlanta... in more ways than just the Ma'am/Sir stuff too...