adults texting during party?

[HollyDay]

This is happening more and more and I'm not sure how, if at all, I can respond to it. Recently I met with 2 other ladies for a meal. Both kept their phones on the table near their hands and checked them often. Okay, I thought maybe it was worry about babysitter or something. But, frequently, they would read a text, giggle, and text back. After quite a few times of checking, reading, texting, I asked if there was something they needed to do. Both just laughed and said something about texting friends and posting, etc. etc.

 

I found this rude. We were out to enjoy one another's company. It is odd to sit at a table with 2 other grown women and watch them hold mulitple private texting conversations. Sometimes mid-sentence, they would stop and grab their phone to reply to something.

 

Is this the "new normal" in adult get togethers?

 

I'm not against technology and certainly if you have something that requires immediate attention, then please take care of it. I still remember the day I received a text during church service telling me my father had suffered another stroke. I showed my husband the message and left the room so I could privately call. I've been to functions where someone receives a text from a sitter about a sick child. Absolutely, respond to such a problem.

 

So, what if anything do I say in such a situation? In this case, I just said something about how busy they obviously were and perhaps we should cut the evening short.

[Julie Smith]

It to me is not the new normal.

 

If a friend does text at a meal they first explain to me, "I'm expecting a text about ____ and pretty excited about it. So if it comes in I have to text back right away. Sorry about it in advance if it happens".

 

Dh does text sometimes when it's kind of rude (to me) :glare: But my idea is rude is he texts at all in my presenece without explanation.

 

If I ever text or go talk on the phone I let everyone in my presence know what I'm planning to do. I do this because if Dh ever starts talking on the phone I get curious. But I can't at that time ask, "How are you talking to?" because he is on the phone.

[gardenmom5]

I would certainly never socialize with them again. their actions are screaming their texts are more interesting than you are. If you wish to say something, I would word it as though I thought the texts were something extremely urgent and of utmost import. (and as though anything less would mean they are boors.)

[catz]

I find that extremely rude!

[Melinda in VT]

I find it rude as well. It's not the norm where I am (perhaps because so many of us live in cell phone dead zones), but I do have a friend in another state who does this when we are vacationing together.

 

It hurts my feelings, but I try to keep it in perspective. She is a thoughtful friend in other ways, and it's a friendship of long standing that means a lot to me. So, I don't say anything and just carry something to read if the texting gets too involved.

[Luckymama]

That's pretty rude.

 

When I get together with friends (coffee morning once a month, a dinner out) we all keep our phones on the table in case a kid or husband has a problem, a true problem. We only answer those texts; everything else waits.

[jenncslp]

It seems to be the norm here, and I hate it. It makes me so mad and I feel like I'm not worth their time.

[Tita Gidge]

I have one friend who does this. I love her to death, but it's cut down on our socializing because I hate having to feel like I'm constantly in competition for her attention. I can just text her the same conversation from the comfort of my sofa and skip the annoying interruptions.

 

I've mentioned it to her, because we have that kind of relationship. I know she's not intending to be rude, so that helps. When I've brought it up, she's been good about ignoring her phone, but I can tell it's a struggle LOL. So I just let her be her, me be me, and we hang out less in person than we used to. When we can't avoid each other, like at our kids' sports, I just nicely beg off when our conversation is continually interrupted. I've learned not to take it personally, because it isn't. I had to arrive at that, though.

[hillfarm]

My dh will interrupt the other person's texting and ask, "Am I boring you? You seem to find your texts much more interesting than our conversation. Get back to me when you have time to talk with me." He says this rather frequently since he works at a university and often deals with students who have minimal texting etiquette figured out.

[NicAnn]

Pretty common I'd say. Annoying, but common. I am under 30 and the amount of time my friends spend on their phones is terrible. Although I actually think its the stay at home moms above 30 who are the worst.

[Murphy101]

When dh and I go out to dinner, it's the norm for us to set our phones to vibrate, screen side up, on the table to the side.

 

Normally we ignore it, but we never ever ignore it if it's family. And sometimes we will answer for friends too, usually bc we're expecting it.

 

With others, my iPhone is either on my person or in my sights. I don't offer apologies for it if it's dh or dc, tho I will say it is one of them. If it's someone else, I'll apologize and make it quick or ignore it. I rarely text conversations. Our general unofficial rule here is that if it takes more than 3 texts, just call and get it over with.

 

Oddly enough, I don't like it when people leave radios or tvs on while we are talking. But that's so common that I have learned to accept it. Tho I don't do it in my own home.

[Mandylubug]

Pretty common. I find it rude and it does showcase the maturity or lack thereof, imo. I myself will occasionally check if I am on my own and my kids are with someone else but that's it

[OrganicAnn]

I think it is rude. I think if you want to do it, I think you should excuse yourself, get up and "go to the bathroom".

 

I was at a meeting and at the first break, everyone was checking their phones old/young, men/women. It was such an odd looking picture all these people looking at these black rectangles.

 

I don't text and we only use the cellphone for emergencies, so I am rarely on my phone.

[Orthodox6]

Texting when in company is boorish. If a text really needs to be sent, excuse yourself, explaining that you need to send a message to someone. Complete the task efficiently, then put away the phone. Leave it put away unless it rings.

 

This, no matter what the age of the person(s).

[poppy]

Why did you title this "during party?" I see absolutely no problem with people texting during a big social function. Dinner at a table with 2 other people is not a "party" and is not the time for texting, for sure.

[JennifersLost]

Becoming the norm here, but I think it's rude unless I know the person has kids at home. I get that, and if they say, "Oh - my kid is checking in," then yeah, I expect them to answer it. But if the conversation takes more than a moment I feel totally justified in picking up a magazine, wandering around the place we're at and generally entertaining myself. And if it becomes clear that the kid is bored and texting just to text and Mom is going to keep answering it, then....I'll find an appointment I "forgot" and get going.

 

If someone was having an ongoing conversation I'd just leave. I don't have time for that. I mean, I have a husband and four kids. When I socialize I create the time to spend with a person. I tell my family that I'll be gone and when I'll be back. I have no cell phone, so if someone needs me and I'm out....tough luck! We've gotten through twenty years of parenting and there's never been a problem that we haven't been able to deal with when we got home. Is it always perfectly convenient? No. That's life. Or it used to be.

 

I spend a lot of time on a computer at home when I'm working. The rest of the time I want to be "present" - right where I am when I'm there, and with the people that I'm with, if that makes sense.

[Heather in Neverland]

In our circle of friends we have turned it into a game. When we go out for dinner we all put our phones face down, in a stack, in the center of the table. The first one to check their phone picks up the tab. :)

[Juliegmom]

Sadly, I think this is becoming more common rather than the exception. :sad: I love technology, but our society is quickly forgetting how to truly connect and be fully present. We are really robbing ourselves of valuable time and relationships with those we love. So sad!!! We need to set healthy boundaries and loosen the grip of technology.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

Sadly it is becoming more common because people are accepting it. Why not just tell the other person it is rude?

[DawnM]

I have a friend who texts constantly when we are together. She will say, "Just keep talking, I can hear you" but then when she is finished texting she always asks me to repeat what I just said.

 

Nuts.

[HappyLady]

I invited a mom and her kids (from a local group I'm in) over for a playdate. She spent the whole time checking her phone. I'd be in the middle of telling her something and she'd look at her phone and giggle. I asked one time what was so funny and she said it was something one of her friends posted on Facebook. :glare: After that I sat in silence pretty much because I didn't feel like wasting my breath and it was the last time I invited her over. Recently a bunch of us from this same local group were meeting out for dinner. I was the first to arrive and sit at our table and this same mom arrived shortly after me. I started a conversation with her and she immediately pulled out her phone and muttered some words here and there in between reading things on her phone. Again, I sat in silence until some of the other ladies showed up.

 

It seems like everyone I know is getting more and more like that and it bothers me.

[Murphy101]

Now what Bean describes is rude to me.

 

I get cranky with my dh unless I know it's business. Which is something to consider. Many people are able to "leave" work because of the smart phones, but that still means they have to promptly answer texts and emails and maybe calls too. It's frustrating to me, but it beats not seeing my dh. And *I* get pretty annoyed at people who assume it's just goofing off.

[MomtoCandJ]

If I'm in a social setting, I tend to just cram my iPhone in my purse to avoid temptation :) usually dd is with me. I'm trying to figure out if there is a way to change the text message tone by person so I can tell who text me with out looking at my phone :)

[Julie Smith]

http://trail-hike.com/2012/10/22/these-photos-are-proof-albert-einstein-was-correct-about-technology/

[jelbe5]

I think it is the new norm, but I also think it is rude.

 

I notice that my SIL and niece do this all the time when we see them. It makes my FIL (her father) angry.

 

When I am out I may have my phone at the ready for if my children call me, but I don't text or check email, etc. when I am supposed to be visiting someone. I also don't have my phone set up to "push" notifications of such things. Those things have to wait until I have time to take look later on. I just think if you are with someone they deserve your attention.

 

I liken it to old days when I would talk on the house phone. I would try to minimize conversations with my family members in my house if I was speaking on the phone with someone. If I was needed I would tell the person I was talking to that I would have to call back a little later rather than try to juggle two conversations. I just felt it was impolite to do that.

[unsinkable]

This is happening more and more and I'm not sure how, if at all, I can respond to it. Recently I met with 2 other ladies for a meal. Both kept their phones on the table near their hands and checked them often. Okay, I thought maybe it was worry about babysitter or something. But, frequently, they would read a text, giggle, and text back. After quite a few times of checking, reading, texting, I asked if there was something they needed to do. Both just laughed and said something about texting friends and posting, etc. etc.

 

I found this rude. We were out to enjoy one another's company. It is odd to sit at a table with 2 other grown women and watch them hold mulitple private texting conversations. Sometimes mid-sentence, they would stop and grab their phone to reply to something.

 

Is this the "new normal" in adult get togethers?

 

I'm not against technology and certainly if you have something that requires immediate attention, then please take care of it. I still remember the day I received a text during church service telling me my father had suffered another stroke. I showed my husband the message and left the room so I could privately call. I've been to functions where someone receives a text from a sitter about a sick child. Absolutely, respond to such a problem.

 

So, what if anything do I say in such a situation? In this case, I just said something about how busy they obviously were and perhaps we should cut the evening short.

 

 

And I wouldn't read a text at church. If I even brought my phone, I wouldn't look at it.

[AlmiraGulch]

It's definitely normal, but in circumstances such as the one originally described it drives me bonkers.

 

My husband and I often check our phones when it's just the two of us (or even if the kids are there) and it's not actually interrupting a conversation. It's no different, to us anyway, than passively watching the game on the tv in the restaurant, for example.

 

That said, I've had friends who are ridiculously rude about it. One incident I recall clearly was when one (former) friend invited me and someone else she knew to dinner. The other person and I had never met, and this woman had the nerve to text for about the first 20 minutes we were at the table, and then actually got up and went outside to take a phone call for another 30 minutes. I'm not exaggerating. Guess what? The other friend and I are now quite close, and neither of us speaks to Self-Centered Rude Girl anymore. I think it's symptomatic of a larger personality flaw.

[Mergath]

All the people I know sit on their phones texting and reading FB constantly during get-togethers. It's like they can't have a face-to-face conversation anymore, and from what I see out in public, this is the new normal. It's also why I don't have a smartphone, and don't want one.

[kewb]

Definitely the norm. Definitely rude. If the person is my friend I simply say "Hey, I'm over here." My friends get the point. We laugh and move on. I am sure I have been guilty of it at some point.

[FaithManor]

It is common in my area. I don't think it's "normal" in a psychological sense. I think it an example of techno gadget and social media addiction.

 

We announced to my parents that we would no longer be attending "family" holiday events unless something changed. My niece, two of my nephews, and my sister in law would show up and be friendly long enough to eat my mother's good food and then spend the entire rest of the day off in a corner texting their friends. Hey, if the people on the other end of that are so much more important than the people you are currently meeting with, then leave. Go.some.place.else.

 

The last time, we got up and left. Mom said it was two hours before they noticed we were gone. Made me so mad that when they showed up to dd's wedding, I told them they had to either turn their phones off or surrender them to DH because we weren't going to have them texting and receiving phone calls through out the wedding ceremony. They were shocked we thought that their texting throughout would be rude.

 

Of course, looking back, I can honestly say that by the time the guests started arriving, I was already exhausted. So, my patience was not overflowing in abundance!

 

My youngest nephew, in particular, is so bad that it is impossible to have any kind of conversation with him at all. He's so addicted that I doubt he's even employable or educatable. His phone was confiscated so many times at school that it staggers the imagination. He graduated a couple of weeks ago, with totally tanked grades from not doing much of his homework because he spent most of his free time texting and facebooking. His mother is concerned because he never filled out any college APS, never talks about trade school, and never applies for jobs. He just spends all.the.live.long.day. on his phone, texting, and making facebook comments. I think he needs an intervention or something.

 

Faith

[Callie]

All the people I know sit on their phones texting and reading FB constantly during get-togethers. It's like they can't have a face-to-face conversation anymore, and from what I see out in public, this is the new normal. It's also why I don't have a smartphone, and don't want one.

 

I agree. I've pretty much stopped going to get togethers anymore because people cannot stay off their smartphones.

[Julie in CA]

And I wouldn't read a text at church. If I even brought my phone, I wouldn't look at it.

 

Eh, I guess I *wish* I wouldn't look, but the fact is, I definitely would.

Everyone who knows me knows that on Sunday morning I'm in church. If I receive a text message during that time, it's almost guaranteed to be an emergency, or at the very least, extremely urgent. In all these years, I've only received two text messages during church, and both times I was glad I'd gone ahead and glanced at the message rather than ignoring it until later.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I have a friend who does this. Last time I went out with her, we went to the movies and she spent the entire movie texting, despite declaring that she was going to sign-off when we got to the theatre.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

Why did you title this "during party?" I see absolutely no problem with people texting during a big social function. Dinner at a table with 2 other people is not a "party" and is not the time for texting, for sure.

 

Maybe the restaurant referred to them as "party of 3".

 

I agree you can pretty much text all you want at a big gathering, where the other people there can ignore you and talk to someone else. I think it's OK to do a little texting at dinner--I would answer a text from my child, for example--but I do emphasize little.

[Murphy101]

Meh. I look at my phone during mass. It has the liturgy, readings, and so forth on it. It's no different than looking at a missel.

 

I would see nothing wrong with having my phone out at a social event. It's the only camera I have for one thing.

 

Let's see. What else.

 

I often look up menus or recipes or ingredients. I'm doing whole30, so it helps me stay as compliant as possible. And my dh is a foodie, so sometimes he or I will take a photo of a dish or look up something we want to try at home later.

 

In a conversation, I will often stop to note something in my phone. A date in the calendar, a website, or a book for example. Sometimes I say that's what I'm doing but sometimes not.

 

Family events... Being family doesn't mean you have anything in common. Sometimes breaking bread together is it. We go to my in laws and they have the tv on the entire time. Drives me nuts, but whatever. I just play words with friends or something. If my sister said she wasn't coming over unless we put our electronics away, I'd tell her I'm okay with her not coming then. That's just as rude IMO. I'd never tell my in laws to turn off their tv. Usually people divide up. There will be some playing Kbox or DSi or phones. Some talking in pairs or around a table. Some just like watching the football game. Some still eating. Some out smoking. I don't get made at any of them. *shrug*

[GSOchristie]

Rude? Yes. Normal? Yes. My dh is a chronic offender, he texts all the time for his business, but in my opinion, he really doesn't *have* to text a bride back immediately when her wedding is 6 months away :/.

[Little Nyssa]

I always turn my phone off when I go to church.

I wouldn't text when I was with friends unless I prefaced it with a quick explanation of why it was so very important, and a sorry, and then ostentatiously putting the phone away afterwards.

[unsinkable]

Meh. I look at my phone during mass. It has the liturgy, readings, and so forth on it. It's no different than looking at a missel.

 

 

My phone is a phone, nothing else. So for me, it is different than looking at a missel. I don't care what anyone else does with her phone.

[unsinkable]

Eh, I guess I *wish* I wouldn't look, but the fact is, I definitely would.

Everyone who knows me knows that on Sunday morning I'm in church. If I receive a text message during that time, it's almost guaranteed to be an emergency, or at the very least, extremely urgent. In all these years, I've only received two text messages during church, and both times I was glad I'd gone ahead and glanced at the message rather than ignoring it until later.

 

My point is that in my life, it's not something I'd even consider.

 

I understand that people don't feel the same way.

[FaithManor]

 

 

Family events... Being family doesn't mean you have anything in common. Sometimes breaking bread together is it. We go to my in laws and they have the tv on the entire time. Drives me nuts, but whatever. I just play words with friends or something. If my sister said she wasn't coming over unless we put our electronics away, I'd tell her I'm okay with her not coming then. That's just as rude IMO. I'd never tell my in laws to turn off their tv. Usually people divide up. There will be some playing Kbox or DSi or phones. Some talking in pairs or around a table. Some just like watching the football game. Some still eating. Some out smoking. I don't get made at any of them. *shrug*

 

 

That's fine, though I'm not certain what the point of eating together would be if no one wants to actually interact. if the guest can't be bothered to even acknowledge the existance of the host because they'd rather text, then I don't see the point of in meeting with them. Really. I'm just not interested in having a dinner invitation to a family event and then spending the afternoon watching people text for hours one end. Nor was I interested in my nephew playing online games on his phone during dd's wedding ceremony, which he did at my cousin's son's wedding before dd's, and upon beating a level, loudly high fived his brothers during the vows! Maybe it was rude to tell him to turn it off, surrender it, or leave for dd's ceremony, but I'm pretty darn certain that the problem is his, not mine. His little, "I beat it! I beat it!" high five display is permanently recorded for posterity on video. My sister-in-law defended him, "It was a real achievement!" :banghead: My patience for this is used up. That said, the two of them when confronted about it in a diplomatic way (handled by dh because I was so exhausted at that point that diplomacy was not happening for me), did turn the smartphones off. Seriously, they need some sort of twelve step, texting/gaming addiction support group because they've lost all sense of reality.

 

In a large group, I have no problem with people congregating in small numbers and doing something. We've played board games or card games in small groups, or watched the NASCAR race, or whatever when a large group has gathered. That's normal. Coming to someone else's house, grabbing food, and going off in a corner for three hours and NEVER speaking to ANYONE in that house for any reason because you've got to text and play online games is rude. Plain.and.simple.

 

That's my issue. I don't care if they answer a text or check phone messages. We've all had occasions when that has been necessary.

 

Martha, the situation I am speaking to is probably a lot more extreme than what you have witnessed which is why it's driving me batty. I'm serious when I say these people need a twelve step techno addiction withdrawl support group. It's that out of control! Otherwise, I would not have ever considered the extreme steps we took at dd's wedding ceremony nor calling off extended family get-togethers. The youngest nephew (18) is literally unemployable. He went from a 4.0, to the bottom half of his class in two years because he couldn't be bothered to do schoolwork since texting and facebook were more important. That's the kind of situation I'm speaking to and unfortunately, I'm seeing this degree of problem in more and more people. So, it reached a level at which I was beyond caring about being rude and generally, that is not how I operate.

 

Faith

[Tita Gidge]

It strikes me as very Pavlovian, and a little bit scary, that so many people's lives are now dictated by the tones from their phones.

 

Watch a crowd sometime.

 

Test it out on a friend. I did this to my best friend the other day at a soccer game. I know she has everything pushed, so I texted and emailed repeatedly. Even when she figured out it was me and had determined I was just messing with her, she couldn't NOT react and check her phone when it kept beeping at her. Even as she stared at me while I kept doing it LOL.

[Orthodox6]

I always turn my phone off when I go to church.

 

 

Agreeing for our EO context. Some parishes have a small sign posted near the entrance, requesting all who enter the church to turn off cell phones, or at least place them on essentially silent vibrate. Service is not the time for phone use; we are there to worship God. Vibrate allows for emergency incoming calls. It is appalling to arrive at the epiclesis during a Liturgy and suddenly hear some loud rap tune emanate from a cell phone that someone forgot to turn off. (Yes, true anecdote.) Or during a wedding service.

[unsinkable]

Yeah, Mass is more important than any dinner party or any emergency or any conversation I could have.

 

 

[Murphy101]

Hmmm. I suppose I see the same thing. I think the Pavlovian response to home phones and doorbells is just as bad. I have zero problems ignoring either. But I know I'm the minority. I have my phone set up so as I know whether it is my dh or dc texting, emailing, or calling. Everyone else is on mute. I don't even have voice mail or an answering machine, which I KNOW drives everyone who calls me nuts bc the first few times they don't get voicemail, the first thing they do when they get ahold of me is complain about it. Oh well. I hate voice mail even more than I hate answering machines and never use them. The last time I left a message with someone, it scared the hell out of them bc they figured it had to be an awful emergency if I left a message. LOL

[Tita Gidge]

Hmmm. I suppose I see the same thing. I think the Pavlovian response to home phones and doorbells is just as bad. I have zero problems ignoring either. But I know I'm the minority. I have my phone set up so as I know whether it is my dh or dc texting, emailing, or calling. Everyone else is on mute. I don't even have voice mail or an answering machine, which I KNOW drives everyone who calls me nuts bc the first few times they don't get voicemail, the first thing they do when they get ahold of me is complain about it. Oh well. I hate voice mail even more than I hate answering machines and never use them. The last time I left a message with someone, it scared the hell out of them bc they figured it had to be an awful emergency if I left a message. LOL

 

I haven't noticed it with home phones and doorbells, but I believe it. Like you, I tune out both LOL.

 

Another thing I've noticed lately is that so many people expect others to be at the ready - reachable whenever they want to get ahold of someone. I screen my calls, so if I ignore someone they'll hang up, call back, try the house phone, call the cell back, text, call the cell back again and maybe leave a vm, then call again in three minutes. I wonder if you notice this trend, too, especially since you don't have a voicemail feature. I love voicemail; it's how I screen my calls with peace LOL.

 

What phone do you have? I've set my work phone to have different tones based on which number is calling, and I ignore the tones that aren't urgent. I'd love to be able to set those numbers up to ring while the others stay mute. I'm not phone-saavy, maybe my kids know. Never thought to ask, but what a great feature.

[Murphy101]

Ha! I once heard a phone blare out the song "personal jesus" while we were standing in line for confession. LOL

[HRAAB]

I always turn my phone off before I go into a church. At the parish my family attends, they ask that phones be turned off prior to Mass. One time during the middle of Mass, one of the choir members' phone started ringing. Every eye in the church was on him plus Father's. I felt sorry for him.

 

When I'm with other people, I put my phone on vibrate. If it's dh or children, I'll excuse myself and answer. Otherwise, I'll get back with them later

 

My two oldest dds will constantly be checking their phones and texting while visiting with me. Being their mother, I simply say it's me or your phone. I always win. :lol: I think it just becomes a habit, and most of the time they might not even be fully aware of how rude this behavior can seem to the people around them.

[Murphy101]

iPhone5.

 

Ahem... *I* have been known to hang up the home or cell and dial the other or text. For me, it's bc I don't know how to contact them. Some people don't care. They have all those devices because they don't mind being tracked down. Some say to call the house first, then the cell. Some want to be texted first. Or I'll try the house and cell and then text bc I figure they are busy, it's not that important, but I don't want to forget. Ine of the problems with so many devices is everyone is different about which they prefer and will actually get to them. Me? It's more of a "catch me if you can" effort. I don't care which they use and if it's a bad moment, then I'll say so. Email? Probably. Text? Iffy. Home phone? Good luck. Cell phone? Decent odds. Snail Mail? About as good as the email.

[Joker]

We're upgrading our phones this summer and it actually worries me. I turn off my phone during church or any other assembly/meeting/get-together. I figure whatever it is can wait. I do not have my phone out while eating with my family or friends, and it doesn't matter whether it be at home or not. I have one family member who constantly has her phone out and is on it and I think she has a problem. I would never tell her that but I don't find it normal. It's also not something I want my dds to pick up on and copy.

[Murphy101]

Hmm.

 

Are we defining normal as

what we do

what is normal

or

what is healthy?

 

Because all three of those are actually very different things quite often.