Grandma buys all children shoes and backpacks - except my children - do you know why?

[Mary in NJ]

Because my children are homeschooled. All the other grandchildren go to public school and need new shoes and new backpacks.

 

My children stay at home and do not need them.

 

Grrrr. I wonder if she has any idea what this is doing to them? It is not about the new school items, but just about being accepted. This is not the first year she has done this. You would think it would get easier. But, the kids and I both feel like we have been hit in the stomach.

 

Thanks for letting me rant.

[laylamcb]

Ouch! :grouphug:

 

Have you mentioned to her that your kids wear shoes, too? ;) Kidding. Sorry. But seriously, I get the backpack thing, but, um, don't all kids always need shoes? Can you discuss it with her?

[T Baer]

:iagree:

Because my children are homeschooled. All the other grandchildren go to public school and need new shoes and new backpacks.

 

My children stay at home and do not need them.

 

Grrrr. I wonder if she has any idea what this is doing to them? It is not about the new school items, but just about being accepted. This is not the first year she has done this. You would think it would get easier. But, the kids and I both feel like we have been hit in the stomach.

 

Thanks for letting me rant.

 

Do you think she might buy some of the kids school books? Is this your mother or your husband's If it's yours, you have more leeway to ask her, but if it's your hubby's then it might be better if he talks to her.

I am sorry that this has happened to you and your kids. My parents did something similar to me in favoring the boys, so I know how hurtful this can be.

[Parrothead]

I know what you mean. When we first started out my mom would help with curriculum purchases periodically. Now she is worried about socialization and thinks it is time dd went to school. I've kept it from dd that grandma wants her to go to school, but it hurts me.

 

She wants dd to come spend a month with her next summer. I can just see her trying to brainwash my child while she is there so that trip won't happen.

[Country Mouse]

Ouch! That really stinks.

Any way you could gently mention to g'ma how much that hurts the kids' feelings? Or would that just open up an ugly debate about homeschooling in general...

Does she do this out of spite or just total, mindnumbing ignorance? :001_smile:

Either way it stinks.

[Jennifer in NH]

my first thought was...why don't homeschooled kids need new shoes??? My kids wear them almost daily!:D

I sure don't mean to be flippant. I feel for your situation. and I know just that feeling of feeling like you have been hit in the stomach...hugs:grouphug: to you and your kids!

[Kate CA]

I wonder if she has any idea what this is doing to them?

 

Have you or your husband told her? Perhaps she really doesn't know. Perhaps she would be horrified if she knew how her actions hurt her grandchildren. I would tell her.

[lynn]

Because my children are homeschooled. All the other grandchildren go to public school and need new shoes and new backpacks.

 

My children stay at home and do not need them.

 

Grrrr. I wonder if she has any idea what this is doing to them? It is not about the new school items, but just about being accepted. This is not the first year she has done this. You would think it would get easier. But, the kids and I both feel like we have been hit in the stomach.

 

Thanks for letting me rant.

 

How do your kids find out about this. Does she announce it do their cousins say something? It was a constant battle in my parents house because my mom helped my oldest sister with clothing her children and even though my other sister's in laws did the same for her dd my sisters and their children were always at odds and someone was always pouting because grandma did this for Amy but now Jana. May I ask do the other children need her help more than yours? Don't get me wrong I am all for equality. Which I never seem to get but I won't even start.

[milovany]

.

[Mary in NJ]

Thanks for the kind words everyone

 

No, the cousins are from varying income based households. Total of eleven grandchildren. Eight of them are taken to lunch, shopping for backpacks, and then a pair of school shoes. The grandchildren are aware that if they were homeschooled, they would not get this special shopping trip with grandma. It is my mother. She is very outspoken against homeschool. She makes it a point to tell my children that if they were going to public school, they would get "xyz".

 

My kids hear about it from the cousins. Again, this is not the first year. It has been going on for six years. Maybe next year will be easier.:confused:

[MyBlueLobsters]

She makes it a point to tell my children that if they were going to public school, they would get "xyz".

 

 

:mad: That just makes me mad for you! Wow....I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry...:grouphug:

[Kelli in TN]

Thanks for the kind words everyone

 

No, the cousins are from varying income based households. Total of eleven grandchildren. Eight of them are taken to lunch, shopping for backpacks, and then a pair of school shoes. The grandchildren are aware that if they were homeschooled, they would not get this special shopping trip with grandma. It is my mother. She is very outspoken against homeschool. She makes it a point to tell my children that if they were going to public school, they would get "xyz".

 

My kids hear about it from the cousins. Again, this is not the first year. It has been going on for six years. Maybe next year will be easier.:confused:

 

Wow.

 

My inlaws are biased against homeschooling but my kids don't really have enough contact with them to experience it firsthand. They also don't really have much contact with their cousins.

 

My mom takes my nephews shopping for back to school stuff. But she also pays for my kids music lessons and has been known to take them shopping to prepare for 4H trips and such. She loves all of her grandkids in different but equal ways!

 

I am so sorry your kids have it this way. Can you minimize contact with her and with the cousins during back to school season?

 

But then, maybe you should not listen to me. I am not really a "blood runs thick" sort of person. I think if relatives treat me badly, or treat my children badly, then I should not be expected to hang around with them. I am a snot that way.

[milovany]

She makes it a point to tell my children that if they were going to public school, they would get "xyz".

Ah. In *that* case, then I think your mother needs to be addressed by you privately. I still say that she can't be told or asked how to spend her money, BUT you can *certainly* say, "Mother, you may not bad mouth homeschooling in front of our kids. We have made our choice and are certain we made the right decision for our family. And while we would LIKE your support, we don't NEED it, and all we're requiring is that you not say anything negative about homeschooling to us. In addition, please don't bring up your shopping trip in front of our kids. You can spend your money however you'd like, but pointing out that our kids don't get to benefit from your generosity in this way is one way of being negative about homeschooling."

 

If she can't respect this, then I agree with Kelli -- limit contact, especially during the back-to-school season.

 

((((((((Mary)))))))))

[laylamcb]

Ah. In *that* case, then I think your mother needs to be addressed by you privately. I still say that she can't be told or asked how to spend her money, BUT you can *certainly* say, "Mother, you may not bad mouth homeschooling in front of our kids. We have made our choice and are certain we made the right decision for our family. And while we would LIKE your support, we don't NEED it, and all we're requiring is that you not say anything negative about homeschooling to us. In addition, please don't bring up your shopping trip in front of our kids. You can spend your money however you'd like, but pointing out that our kids don't get to benefit from your generosity in this way is one way of being negative about homeschooling."

 

((((((((Mary)))))))))

 

:iagree: Spot on.

[sdWTMer]

In addition, please don't bring up your shopping trip in front of our kids. You can spend your money however you'd like, but pointing out that our kids don't get to benefit from your generosity in this way is one way of being negative about homeschooling."

 

 

:iagree:

 

Here! Here! I agree completely. I think that this can be said with respect and tact.

[cin]

In addition, please don't bring up your shopping trip in front of our kids. You can spend your money however you'd like, but pointing out that our kids don't get to benefit from your generosity in this way is one way of being negative about homeschooling."

 

 

You might also want to point out that it makes the children sad that they don't get to spend time with gramma. And I would probably say something like: If you want to punish DH and I for discussing and deciding that homeschooling is best for our children, that's fine. But You really shouldn't make the children angry with you for something that is out of their control. The only thing you are doing is hurting yourself. You are missing out on a great relationship with this group of your grandchildren. Every year when you do this, you are pushing them a little further away.

[myfunnybunch]

Thanks for the kind words everyone

It is my mother. She is very outspoken against homeschool. She makes it a point to tell my children that if they were going to public school, they would get "xyz".

QUOTE]

 

In this case I'd handle it from two different angles:

 

With the children, I'd try to be as gracious and accepting as possible. As a previous poster mentioned, your children will look to you for their reaction. Your mother is entitled to spend her money in whatever way she wishes, and to spend time with whomever she chooses. I'd acknowledge hurt feelings and model moving on graciously without dwelling on feeling entitled to complete equality because that part probably isn't going to change.

 

However, the choices and comments made by your mother are bound to have an impact on her relationships with you and your children. If you have not pointed that out kindly and gently, it's time to say something. It's so lovely that she wants to treat her other grandchildren, and you don't want to take away from that. But your children have no say in your parenting-schooling decisions. Excluding them sends a message of disapproval to your children on an issue over which they have no control. I'd try to come at it with a spirit of honesty and compromise and love: Is there any way that your mother can spend some special time with your children completely unrelated to schooling or purchasing stuff--a special tea with Grandma or picnic in a special place? Spend a school day with your family to see what you do for your children? Can you agree to disagree on the schooling issue and nurture the relationship anyway?

 

I completely and totally get where you're coming from, as we've had very similar issues in our family, and they just tear at my heart. But the bottom line for me came down to this: What's *most* important for the children: Equality? Or a loving relationship between the children and their grandmother? And how can I foster that relationship?

 

Cat

[Mrs. Readsalot]

If you feel you can talk to Grandma about this I would say. "Mom, I don't understand why you have decided to emotionally hurt your grandchildren because of a decision their parent have made. My dh and I feel strongly that homeschooling is the best for the children. This is our decision and we stand by it. Your grandchildren love you but they don't understand why you are buying special school related items from your other grandchildren and not them. There are certainly school items(binders, notebooks, etc) that if you purchased them they would think of you whenever they used them. Please place yourself in their shoes(yes say shoes) and think about how they are feeling."

[ticklbee]

I agree with everyone who has already posted. I would just add two things:

 

1. If your children are old enough to speak for themselves and they are feeling hurt by this, encourage them to speak to Grandma themselves. I would not suggest this to the child unless the they came to me and started the conversation about what Grandma is doing. The power of a child can be enormous.

 

2. If Grandma has such strong convictions about homeschooling, another way to handle it is this. "Mom, I know you don't agree with homeschooling and that you don't want to support it by buying school supplies for the kids and that's fine. But, they are feeling left out and hurt by this...would you be willing to do something special with each of them that is not related to school? They just want to spend time with you and it would mean so much to them."

 

I hope Grandma's heart softens in this matter for the sake of your kiddo's.

[Remudamom]

Oh dear, all I can say is "HEE HAW, HEE HAW".

 

Sorry, I know it's your mom.

[Mekanamom]

It is my mother. She is very outspoken against homeschool. She makes it a point to tell my children that if they were going to public school, they would get "xyz".

 

 

My MIL used to do something similar... she would tell the kids all about all the fun experiences they would have when they go to "real school", etc... she went out of her way to try and make regular public school seem a lot more exciting than boring old homeschool with mom.

 

(That wasn't the only difficulty we had with her, and she is no longer speaking to our family.)

 

I can't say that I take that kind of thing well. What my MIL was really trying to do was manipulate DH and I using our children as tools to do so. Her reasoning was that if she couldn't get us to change our minds, then we deserved the difficulty she was trying to develop regarding homeschooling.

 

Personally, that type of behavior makes me very angry. It's not about the shoes and the backpacks, it's about needlessly hurting children in order to make a point which isn't really her concern to begin with.

 

Is your mother receptive to any discussion about it? Would she likely stop if she could see how the kids feel about it? I agree with the other poster- her money is hers to spend however she sees fit, but perhaps she could at least stop making it a point to tell your kids they would get these things if they went to public school.

[OnTheBrink]

Wow, that's just mean and manipulative. It makes me want to take your kids out for shoes and school supplies!

 

I have no wisdom on what to say; what's been suggested is great. I'm sorry your kids are hurt. Sometimes grandmas are a drag.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I totally agree with going to your mom and setting some firm boundaries.

 

Not to defend what she's doing- but oftentimes with grandparents, they just don't understand. Sometimes it takes time for them to SEE the kids are doing well, that they aren't being hurt by this decision which is so foreign to anything within their realm of experience.

 

Sometimes it is the grandparents who actually feel like THEY are the ones missing out. When they hear their friends talk about going to the school for a play, or showing off their grandkids' report cards, they feel as though they don't have anything to share.

 

My MIL's reaction to my first mention of homeschooling dd was, "Don't do that to her." In time, she has become supportive. She might not do exactly what *I* would like or find most useful in terms of help, but she does what she does out of love for dd- and who am I to argue with that?

[Jackie in AR]

But then, maybe you should not listen to me. I am not really a "blood runs thick" sort of person. I think if relatives treat me badly, or treat my children badly, then I should not be expected to hang around with them. I am a snot that way.

 

I'm a snot right along with you in this respect, Kelli.

 

I don't spend a lot of time with people who don't have anything nice to say about me, or who still aren't over the fact that we chose to have 4 children.

 

Yes, I know that there are times when I must put on a happy face and be around these people, but it is because of my love for other people that I do choose to spend that time with them.

 

And children are pretty smart. As they get older, they realize that sometimes things are different for others than they are for them.

 

I'll hush now before I get too specific.

[Jackie in AR]

Does Grandma not realize that she is hurting herself in the long run?

 

Are the grandchildren she excludes going to want to spend time with her when they get older? After she has shown so much favoritism to her other grandchildren through the years?

 

I truly believe we reap what we sow in relationships.

 

Grandma might want to think about that.

[Harriet Vane]

Thanks for the kind words everyone

 

No, the cousins are from varying income based households. Total of eleven grandchildren. Eight of them are taken to lunch, shopping for backpacks, and then a pair of school shoes. The grandchildren are aware that if they were homeschooled, they would not get this special shopping trip with grandma. It is my mother. She is very outspoken against homeschool. She makes it a point to tell my children that if they were going to public school, they would get "xyz".

 

My kids hear about it from the cousins. Again, this is not the first year. It has been going on for six years. Maybe next year will be easier.:confused:

 

That's just mean!

 

It doesn't make sense, either. Homeschooled kids wear shoes too. Also, my kids use backpacks for a ton of things (co-op classes, sports, etc.).

 

If you know it'll just turn into a well-you-shouldn't-be-homeschooling-them argument, then leave it alone. However, if you think your mother's heart might be softened by being told of the damage she is doing, NOT to your homeschool, but rather to HER relationship with HER grandchildren, then you must tell her.

 

I'm sorry she is choosing to be mean.

[HollyDay]

Isnt conditional love grand:glare:

[Tracey in TX]

(((Hugs)))

 

When I read your post two thoughts came to mind. The first one is that she is sending a passive-aggressive signal that she doesn't approve of homeschool. This is perhaps her way of letting you know what she thinks.

 

The other idea, which is diametrically opposed to the first, is that she absolutely believes that backpacks and shoes are for GOING to school. If you take the minimalist mentality, it might be so. My grandma used to live with us and would tell us stories (usually around school shopping time) how valued that new pair of (used) shoes or hand-me-down lunchbox were greatly treasured. It was important to have something almost new to show your friends. But if you stay at home the needs are necessarily the same. Not saying I agree with this idea, but really wonder if this is her way of thinking. Maybe a new pair of pjs (under the auspices of a "uniform") would be an appropriate gift from grandma.

 

I'm sorry your DCs are getting ignored. It's heartbreaking. My DCs are often overlooked in lieu of the granparents' favorite grandchild (hello, an only child living in a 4500 sq ft home--and her own 2000sq ft suite--needs and wants NOTHING!). It's frustrating, annoying, heartbreaking...and just the way it is (for us).

 

Maybe DH can address this with MIL to find out what her actual reason for purchasing for other grandkids and not yours. Hopefully it's something innocent and can be rectified simply.:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

I know what you mean. When we first started out my mom would help with curriculum purchases periodically. Now she is worried about socialization and thinks it is time dd went to school.

 

Cool. She can pay her girl scout fees then.

:)

Rosie

[ljf]

I agree with talking to your mom, but she probably feels that she is not doing anything wrong by encouraging school. You can't control her, but you can control how you react to her. Best to create a happy spot.

 

How about planning a fun and silly outing on the same day a Grannie's shopping day. That way when the other kids mention it yours can say "you got shoes? I had ice cream for lunch and then went to mini golf/water park/...." Ask them what the would like to do the more far out the better.

 

How about having the kids wear mismatched shoes to grandma's house the next time you see her after the shopping trip? (My oldest did this for months without provocation. It did have its perks, how many times have you found only one shoe?)

 

How about coming up with a top ten reasons the cousins need a backpack?

10. To schlep all those heavy books on that l o n g bus ride.

9.

 

How about planning a back to school party for your kids, during school hours, on the first day of school for the cousins?

 

In short give your kids something special to match Grandma's shopping trip.

 

Linda

[Mamasteff]

I've been reading a thread on "it's not fair!" and I am wondering how you are dealing with your children in this...

 

Your mom is an adult, and if you want to say things to her about this or not, you may, but she is still the adult making her own decisions. This is a time when you can discuss with your children several different ideas, depending on age, interest, ability to get it...

 

1) Take it as an outsider's look at generosity (if you want to protect their relationship with grandma) - "Look how happy it makes Peter, Paul and Mary when they get a gift matched to what they need right now. Isn't that nice? Let's start a list of gifts we can give to others for (birthdays, christmas, hannukah) that will make them feel just as special.

 

2) Encouraging your kids to be happy when others are blessed, rather than feeling like it's unfair.

 

3) Discussing consequences of decision making ("Dad and I decided x years ago that we were your best teachers. Some people don't think that homeschooling is a good thing. We think it is.")

 

4) Discussing feelings in the situation ("I know how sad it makes you when Grandma takes John to lunch and shopping. It makes me sad too.") Could even morph into, "Let's plan a special day with you and (Grandma? Dad/ Mom?). We can make a treat, go to the park, etc."

 

Just my thinkin' - we homeschoolers are always teaching our kids. I know this hurts - for you and your kids.

 

(and a snarky thought just crept in... "socialization? oh, you mean like when they get left out because they or their parents don't make the same decisions others do? Huh. I think they've already had some experiences with that.")

[Nestof3]

It is my mother. She is very outspoken against homeschool. She makes it a point to tell my children that if they were going to public school, they would get "xyz".

 

Wow -- I bet you SO look forward to getting together with her.

[Gretchen in NJ]

Thanks for the kind words everyone

 

No, the cousins are from varying income based households. Total of eleven grandchildren. Eight of them are taken to lunch, shopping for backpacks, and then a pair of school shoes. The grandchildren are aware that if they were homeschooled, they would not get this special shopping trip with grandma. It is my mother. She is very outspoken against homeschool. She makes it a point to tell my children that if they were going to public school, they would get "xyz".

 

My kids hear about it from the cousins. Again, this is not the first year. It has been going on for six years. Maybe next year will be easier.:confused:

 

It is her way of underminding you to your children. She sounds like my mom. A real #%^$&^!!!!!!!!! Oh Mary!:grouphug:

[Gretchen in NJ]

 

(and a snarky thought just crept in... "socialization? oh, you mean like when they get left out because they or their parents don't make the same decisions others do? Huh. I think they've already had some experiences with that.")

 

They are not socialized because they have no new shoes to wear outside to play in.:glare:

[RobotGirl]

OUCH!

[Jodie]

Thanks for the kind words everyone

 

No, the cousins are from varying income based households. Total of eleven grandchildren. Eight of them are taken to lunch, shopping for backpacks, and then a pair of school shoes. The grandchildren are aware that if they were homeschooled, they would not get this special shopping trip with grandma. It is my mother. She is very outspoken against homeschool. She makes it a point to tell my children that if they were going to public school, they would get "xyz".

 

My kids hear about it from the cousins. Again, this is not the first year. It has been going on for six years. Maybe next year will be easier.:confused:

 

That's so sad...I feel bad for you dc because this is something they will always remember about their grandmother. She is punishing them because she is upset with you and that is childish. I'm sorry. :sad:

[Kate CA]

And I would probably say something like: If you want to punish DH and I for discussing and deciding that homeschooling is best for our children, that's fine. But You really shouldn't make the children angry with you for something that is out of their control. The only thing you are doing is hurting yourself. You are missing out on a great relationship with this group of your grandchildren. Every year when you do this, you are pushing them a little further away.

I would be even stronger and tell her that *she* is wrecking her own relationship with your children - tearing it down with her own hands. She shouldn't be surprised when they don't love her later on. (And their love has nothing to do with *stuff* but with the fact she is being such a complete jerk to them while trying to undermine you.) Children are not dumb - whatever message she thinks she is sending is only going to backfire.

 

I have seen the result of grandparent favoritism - for that is exactly what it is - and it results in grandchildren having civil relationships with their grandparents but nothing more. It is a sad thing to see, honesty, especially when it is so preventable.

[Kris]

She is very outspoken against homeschool. She makes it a point to tell my children that if they were going to public school, they would get "xyz".

 

My kids hear about it from the cousins. Again, this is not the first year. It has been going on for six years. Maybe next year will be easier.:confused:

 

Well, I can't type what I would say to her. Of course she's entitled to spend her money as she pleases, but to treat kids this way, it's just . . .

 

Well, I better stop now.

[camibami]

Wow! We have the exact same issue. Grandma is a 40 year retired ps teacher. Talks extensively about how the cousins are going to "school" and she bought them backpacks and school clothes. (Cousins are 1,3 and 5, by the way- its daycare, not school, but Grandma is just happy they are being "socialized".) My kids have bee ngreat- they always get just as excited the cousins are going to school! And then tell grandma they sure are glad they don't have to go.:D

 

Grandma does buy them stuff, too, about equal. She sure talks up the "special school stuff" though. And school in general. My oldest went to ps for part of 2nd grade, though, so she is adamant about preferring hs'ing- no backpack could sway her! And little sister thinks big sister's opinion is The Law, so she is sure she would rather hs, too. They listen politely, smile, and could care less. Poor Grandma- her influence and opinions have no effect. I could just cry for the poor dear.;)

[Mrs Mungo]

Thanks for the kind words everyone

 

No, the cousins are from varying income based households. Total of eleven grandchildren. Eight of them are taken to lunch, shopping for backpacks, and then a pair of school shoes. The grandchildren are aware that if they were homeschooled, they would not get this special shopping trip with grandma. It is my mother. She is very outspoken against homeschool. She makes it a point to tell my children that if they were going to public school, they would get "xyz".

 

My kids hear about it from the cousins. Again, this is not the first year. It has been going on for six years. Maybe next year will be easier.:confused:

 

I'm sorry, I don't have time for games, I'm a grown woman and will make my own decisions for my family. She can be an active, positive force in my children's lives or we can back away from family activities.

[Mom to Aly]

Why not mention that you are going to take them shopping for new "school" things, and ask if she would like to come, or something like that? Or how excited they are about shopping for new school things. If she doesn't get that, maybe you could say something like, instead of a backpack, they could use blah, blah or blah?

 

That would make me mad, and I'm the type to mention it. Wanna' send me her phone #? ;)

[cricket1178]

I'm sorry you and your dc are hurting. :grouphug: This is probably no comfort to you, but my mil has always favored her other grandchildren over mine. My 12 yo dd and bil's 3 sons are the only "younger" grandchildren she has now, but she is always doing for the 3 boys and leaves my dd out consistently. She doesn't realize she's doing it and speaks freely of the things she does with the other kids. She has taken them places like amusement parks, bought them tons of stuff, gone to all their sporting events, and many more. It hurts my dh, but the other day mil was telling of some new adventure and I asked my dd if it hurt her feelings. She said, "I've learned to not let those things bother me. I could be angry forever and it wouldn't change anything except make me miserable." Those are words to live by, so I've decided I will. I'm going to let that stuff role off because when it gets down to it the anger isn't hurting mil; it is hurting me. I'm hoping I can just love mil and enjoy the things she does do for dd.

 

I know this isn't helping you, but sometimes it helps to know you arn't alone. ;)

[Amy in Orlando]

I think we are all aware of the fact that homeschoolers should have the BEST shoes - at all times. It's what we do. ;)

 

I would most likely try to do something fun with my kids to get ready for school - shopping for supplies, going out for breakfast on the first day of school or, yes, shoe shopping. Make it fun for them and make it your own routine. I would encourage them to be nice to their cousins. Like someone said, kids are not stupid and quickly form their own opinions about the adults in their lives. Your mom really is taking out whatever her issues with homeschooling are out on your kids and it is going to hurt her relationship with your kids in the future. I'll send you my mil's phone number and she and your mom can talk about it. I'm sad you're in this situation and that your mom is behaving this way. (((())))

[LauraGB]

What's with grandmas and buying this sort of stuff, anyway? My mil buys things along these lines all the time and it drives me crazy.

 

That aside, you've gotten a lot of really good advice. I would certainly share w/your mom how it makes your kids feel - she may not know and she needs to. I would explain to the kids that grandma might not know this is hurtful. If after a conversation, grandma's not willing to take your kids out for lunch or something for some good ol' grandma time (instead of supply shopping, which I assume is what is bothering the kids) ... well, don't do what I would do. Because telling the children that grandma's got troubles probably isn't the right thing to do.:D

 

Good luck. I really hope she just doesn't know and will feel awful when you explain it to her and she'll make up for it by sharing just as much time w/your dc.:grouphug:

[pianoplayer]

Ah. In *that* case, then I think your mother needs to be addressed by you privately. I still say that she can't be told or asked how to spend her money, BUT you can *certainly* say, "Mother, you may not bad mouth homeschooling in front of our kids. We have made our choice and are certain we made the right decision for our family. And while we would LIKE your support, we don't NEED it, and all we're requiring is that you not say anything negative about homeschooling to us. In addition, please don't bring up your shopping trip in front of our kids. You can spend your money however you'd like, but pointing out that our kids don't get to benefit from your generosity in this way is one way of being negative about homeschooling."

 

If she can't respect this, then I agree with Kelli -- limit contact, especially during the back-to-school season.

 

((((((((Mary)))))))))

:iagree:

 

I'm so sorry for what you and your children are going through! :grouphug:

 

A couple of thoughts--

 

1. Your mother is being manipulative. Do not allow her to manipulate you or your children. Don't be mean or rude--don't give her ammunition to use against you--but do not let her dictate the educational policy of your family.

2. Insulate your children, especially "alone" time with her, for the welfare of your family.

3. I know this feels really personal, but don't let yourself take it personally and respond with hurt/anger/whatever, as I suspect this will, in essence, give your mom more emotional ammunition to use against you. She is doing what she is doing to send you a "message." Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing what a direct hit she scored; rather, do everything in your power to absolutely ignore it (and her) on this subject. (Cry your eyes out privately, if necessary, but don't react in front of her.)

 

I mean no disresprect to your mom, but what she is doing is unconscionable.

[teamturner]

I am just so sorry! That is just incredible the level of manipulation and unkindness. I do hope you will speak with her about what it's doing to your dc and possibly you could speak to the cousin's parents too. The parents should counsel their dc not to mention stuff to your dc that makes them feel badly. It's just common courtesy not to talk about an activity at which someone else wasn't included. If your mother cannot keep her mouth shut about how she feels about your homeschooling them I think it wise to just remove your dc from her circle of influence.

 

Blessings and :grouphug:!

[cindyinTexas]

If it makes you feel any better it is the same here with my mil. She buys all the other grandchildren new school items except my children. My husband just shrugs and explains he is not close enough to them(mil/fil) for it to matter.

 

Yet my children are the ones who do mil/fil's yard work (We do insist they get paid for this) and we get that can you fix this/that calls all the time. I think we get the most calls because most jobs started by the others neverrrrrr get finished.

 

Last year at Christmas, I witnessed on accident them having the rest of their Christmas after we left. I had to come back in mil's house because I forgot something when I heard her say "Ok guys they're gone now lets "do" Christmas."

 

I think it all comes down to that we have made our own way, we can provide for ourselves, and truly do not need their help. Parents tend to radiate to the children who are less independent. I think it makes them still feel needed???

 

Bottom line it is their loss. My children are expected to respect their grandparents, but not understand them. When they grow into adults then they can make their own decision on where the relationship goes from there.

 

Needless to say my children and husband spend 10X more time with my parents.. I often hear him say that he is closer to my parents than he is to his own.

 

I really had no solution, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

[Mary in NJ]

Thanks so much for all the supportive words of advice. I can see that I am not alone. Thanks for sharing from your hearts.

 

A couple of things. We are a military family who relocates frequently and faces stress at all levels. This has produced a resiliency in my children and a "shake it off and move on" factor in them. However, they have a vulnerability when it comes to close family members. They let their walls down, reveal their hopes and dreams to them. So, when a grandparent (the only one still alive) goes out of her way to exclude them, it hurts.

 

One of my boys said, "Well, we still benefit from Grandma buying school stuff, because my cousins send me their hand-me-downs." Gotta love that level-headed little guy:) My daughter said, "When I am a Grandma, I will take all the children shopping, even if they go to public school." Like I said, it hurts them, but they have the ability to learn from the experience, and move on. Life lessons at its best (or worst).

 

Thanks for the posters who recommended a fun filled day. That is exactly what we are going to do. Last night my husband suggested Six Flags. He will take a couple days leave (vacation) and our kids will enjoy the adventure park and time together as a family.

 

Thank you again for making me feel like I am not so alone in this. You guys are great!:grouphug: