Xyz

[Ruby Rose]

Abc

[RanchGirl]

I agree it's very tacky, especially if they don't have financial problems or need help setting up a new household. Not much you can do about it though. Personally, I wouldn't say anything but I would skip the shower and shower gift, just bring your dish to the wedding and consider that your gift to them.

[MrsBasil]

I attended a potluck wedding for an older couple on their second go round of marriage. They aren't highly paid and quite a bit of their money is directed to lawyer fees due to an ex attempting to use the court system to gain control.

 

It was a lovely wedding and the bride asked people who made things she loved to bring them in lieu of a gift. In my husband's family it's customary for family members to give money(like $10-50) to the couple for a wedding present and bring a dish for the reception. They were astounded when we had our wedding catered. I don't think you're shallow, but this is done in some circles and is considered quite normal.

[Murphy101]

Hmmm. Did they ask you for a gift or just invite you to the shower? You are f course welcome to decline either or both. As for the wedding, it sounds like they just want something very casual and low key. A simple wedding and a potluck afterwards. That doesn't have anything to do with how much money they make. *shrugs* I think it's more tacky for your aunt to complain to you about it. If she is offended, then she should stay home.

[Dandelion]

Seems very tacky to me. I agree with skipping the bridal shower and giving them a bucket of chicken as a gift. Make it breaded chicken if you're feeling generous. :D

[Ruby Rose]

Def

[Dandelion]

I've never been to (or heard of) a potluck wedding reception. Out of curiosity, I just looked up a few wedding etiquette sites online. They all seem to concur that if you decide to have a potluck at your reception, you should tell your guests that the dish they're bringing is in lieu of gifts. Having a shower and then doing a potluck reception is mostly considered a faux pas.

[Lisa R.]

I attended a potluck wedding for an older couple on their second go round of marriage. They aren't highly paid and quite a bit of their money is directed to lawyer fees due to an ex attempting to use the court system to gain control.

 

It was a lovely wedding and the bride asked people who made things she loved to bring them in lieu of a gift. In my husband's family it's customary for family members to give money(like $10-50) to the couple for a wedding present and bring a dish for the reception. They were astounded when we had our wedding catered. I don't think you're shallow, but this is done in some circles and is considered quite normal.

 

Not trying to derail the thread, but I have a quick question. I've never heard of people bring a dish to a reception. It seems in your case that many people do this. In the United States, I've lived in the north, south, east and west and have never heard of wedding guests bringing food along with their wedding present. Can I ask if you live outside the U.S.? I'm guessing there is a cultural difference here.

 

I learn new things on this board all the time!

[Murphy101]

Maybe they are going to tell people its on leiu of gifts. They might even do something different. We don't know anything except that the aunt isn't happy about it. She might not even have her facts straight.

 

If I felt offended, I'd stay home. Not complain about it.

 

I actually agree that's not how I'd of the wedding or reception. But it's not mine to do either.

 

My dh had an uncle get married in the middle of a family party to watch the Super Bowl. Everyone brought potluck Super Bowl foods and his brother married them during halftime.

 

Not my thing. And boy was his grandma ticked. But not my wedding.

 

Eta that was about 15+ years ago if it matters.

 

I've also attended a barn raising type wedding where everyone pitched in for the weekend to make a beautiful wedding and reception, including everyone making dishes to serve. It was a quite lovely community/family event.

[MrsBasil]

Not trying to derail the thread, but I have a quick question. I've never heard of people bring a dish to a reception. It seems in your case that many people do this. In the United States, I've lived in the north, south, east and west and have never heard of wedding guests bringing food along with their wedding present. Can I ask if you live outside the U.S.? I'm guessing there is a cultural difference here.

 

I learn new things on this board all the time!

 

 

I'm in the US. I'm currently in Colorado and my husband is from Wisconsin. My husband's family is large though, each of his parents have 13 siblings so it's possible that it was a family culture thing to keep costs down but allow the entire to attend and celebrate. Weddings were held in a park or a field at the grandparent's farm. I should say that wedding presents are not at all elaborate, most couples get cash, a handmade quilt, or a Walmart gift card-the cash/gift cards almost never exceed $50 and are usually less.

[BlueTaelon]

umm wow.. totally normal to do a pot luck reception and I am in the US. Catering is for the rich, its not something you put on a credit card. Perhaps this couple is not as well off as you think or they opted not to waste money on catering? Not everyone does a big event type deal. I wouldnt bat an eye at the situation but then Ive only known low income folks so a big bash with catering just doesnt happen and its normal to bring a dish and a gift if your able.

[Ruby Rose]

Ghi

[Dahliarw]

I have never heard of a potluck wedding! I've been to plenty of cake and punch weddings, and that seems to make the most sense if your budget is low.

[LibraryLover]

If the couple is nice and you like them, go, do it.

 

If you do not, send a nice note and RSVP no.

 

We can discuss tacky until the end of time, but the only thing that matters is whether you care about the couple/ being a part of their celebrations.

[Ruby Rose]

Jkl

[Lisa R.]

I have never heard of a potluck wedding! I've been to plenty of cake and punch weddings, and that seems to make the most sense if your budget is low.

 

I agree.

 

OP, you're contributing to the tackiness if you go around discussing this with your relatives and friends of the couple. If you're coming to the board and asking whether it is in poor taste or not, this is not tacky.

 

It seems that you're asking the board if this is often done and you're just not aware, or if this is tacky.

 

It's tacky.

 

If someone has a tight budget or simply wants to be economical, cake and punch is a great option for a reception. If the wedding is not scheduled around a mealtime, it's an easy choice. No one is obligated to provide a meal at a wedding--catered or potluck.

[NASDAQ]

Unless they are very common in your circles -- for the normal American experience -- not done.

 

Host the party you can afford. There are ways to do that without hiring a caterer and so on. You can serve cake and lemonade.

[Pod's mum]

One of the nicest weddings I've attended we were asked to bring a dish in-lue of gift.

But I was also the (pregnant) best man /Groom's wittness, so it was unconventional.

It was under the trees in their orchard and lovely.

 

I'm another in favour of low key and inclusive. Making it a real family rather than engineered event.

[Dana]

Our reception was potluck :)

We bought a nice wedding cake and just had the reception in the church fellowship hall. It was really nice!

 

No showers...and no registry. We were graduating college and getting ready to do a cross country move.

It was a good and relatively low stress day.

[Lily_Grace]

I think it depends on how well the couple knows their guests, honestly.

 

My sister had a similar thing for her wedding. But all of her and her fiance's guests were quite close to them, and they all donated skills and time and energy in lieu of gifts. Her old employers (the church) donated the hall and the pastor's services. The dresses and cake were all made by one side and the food/music by the other. Many of us were at the hall the night before preparing food instead of a bachelorette party.

 

I enjoyed it. I think this idea of "well they have plenty of money so they should waste it" is more tacky than friends and family wanting to gather to celebrate. I never understood the need to pay thousands for a party, and with suppliers jacking up the price as soon as they hear the word 'wedding' I think it's a lovely return to the roots. If you don't like them enough, stay home. Nobody would want you to feel bad about being part of the gathering instead of just the judging recipient of it.

 

 

(btw - I'm hoping my SIL does something similar when her turn comes. I have our gift for her shower, but I'd love for the party to be extended past a quick gathering for cake. It's so much more homey (and financially responsible - a good thing for a new couple to be) than the monstrosity expected out of our credit-hungry society.

[Scarlett]

I have been to plenty of covered dish receptions.

 

I do not think it is tacky. Usually it is what we call an organized covered dish.....

[Catwoman]

I have never heard of anyone doing anything like that. Ever.

 

So I vote TACKY.

 

If you'd said that this was a young couple with no money to spare and their family had no way to pitch in to help pay for a reception so their friends and family got together and offered to supply the food for a fun party, I would feel differently (and would probably go so far as to commend them for not wasting their money that could be better spent elsewhere,) because in that case, it might be the only practical way for the couple to share their special day with the people they care about, but in this case with the older-and-successful bride and groom... TACKY.

[Joshin]

Not tacky. Potluck weddings are common where I have lived (Texas, New Mexico, Colorado and Washington), and they are common at all income levels. My social circle is comprised of people that value resources (lots of crunchy granola types). The dish is in lieu of a gift. Bridal showers are uncommon in my family and circle of friends. It could be the bride is not planning her shower and someone else decided to do so for her.

 

In the end, what matters is how you feel about your cousin. For me, familial love would outweigh any personal judgements I could make. I would view it as his special day and would do my part to share the joy with him. In the end, that is all that's important. The rest is just silly cultural expectations mainly thrust upon us by an overzealous wedding industry.

 

I had a lovely semi-potluck wedding, with close family members and very close friends supplying food in lieu of gifts, and my MIL doing the cake. I received many compliments, not just on the ceremony and reception, but also for being wise to avoid the wedding money trap.

[NicAnn]

To me it wouldn't be about how much money the couple has or doesn't have...what does that matter? I think it's about the experience. A potluck reception sounds great. Memories to be made for the bride and groom about the great dish Aunt so and so made, or jokes about how awful the salad was. I don't know, potlucks signal fun and togetherness to me.

 

I don't see anything tacky about it.

[Ruby Rose]

Mno

[Aelwydd]

Potluck reception in and outdoor wedding? That sounds low-key and casual to me. Maybe the fact that this couple is already well-established translates to them having other priorities than spending tons of money on a weddding. I've noticed that people who have a lot of money tend to be disinclined to blow it.

[Melissa in Australia]

I had a wedding where people brought food. On their invitations they were asked to bring either a salad or a desert, my family provided the meat, and the wedding cake, out of town relatives were not asked to bring anything. From my perspective it worked well. Sometimes I think if more people had friends and family bring a plate of food and cut down on wedding expenses more people might get married instead of just shacking up. Weddings are becoming ridiculously expensive.

[joannqn]

I've also attended a barn raising type wedding where everyone pitched in for the weekend to make a beautiful wedding and reception, including everyone making dishes to serve. It was a quite lovely community/family event.

 

We did this for my aunt's wedding. We stayed up most of the night making and decorating the cake, making flower bouquets, finishing the dress, making food, etc. She had a backyard wedding at her house. The reception was a backyard bbq, complete with the bride being tossed in the pool. It was fun.

 

I have not been to a potluck wedding. I wouldn't think anything of it, probably because we had to have a very low cost wedding ourselves.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I think it depends on how well the couple knows their guests, honestly.

 

I agree. The first thing I thought is that a wedding is supposed to be a joyous occasion, a time for family and friends to witness and celebrate the union of two people. Honestly, if it were my wedding, I wouldn't want anyone coming who was so bothered by the thought of bringing a covered dish that it affected their ability to feel happy and honored to share in this very special day. I do not feel the bride and groom owe me a nice shindig or dinner or whatever, regardless of their income level. When I go to a wedding, I am just giddy to be there and hope that they are not going into debt, because it is entirely unnecessary!

 

For what it's worth, I did not have a potluck wedding, but I have been to several, usually with church receptions, although one was at a park. I find them warm, never stuffy. I actually prefer them. They strike me as sensible.

 

I absolutely do not think it is fair to say they asked for a gift by inviting you to a shower. Yes, protocol dictates that gifts are brought to showers, but most guests are invited to share in the joy of the experience.

 

Regardless of the nature of the invite, I think you shouldn't go if your focus can't be on the joy.

[Lily_Grace]

Slightly off-topic, but does anyone remember The Tightwad Gazette? The author/editor made her living by publishing the newsletters on how to be frugal, eventually turning them into a set of bound volumes. Well, people looking in were sad for her children, saying they'd rebel and it wasn't fair to make them grow up so frugally when their parents definitely had money. The children are all grown now, of course, and a blog writer tracked them down to see how they were doing: http://thefrugalshrink.blogspot.it/ (scroll down past the first post) The one even talked about her frugal wedding/honeymoon. So interesting to see how they turned out!

[gardenmom5]

snicker, snort. do you have to go to this poorly-disguised greed-fest? I don't know that I'd be brazen enough to bring a copy of Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior as a gift (with the section on wedding etiquette of the principles/hosts highlighted), but I'd certainly think about it. snicker, snicker I think Miss Manners would go way past tacky and consider it in excruciatingly shocking atrocious taste. eta: if the hosts don't want to spend much money on food for a reception - then just service cake and water with bits of lemon or berries floating in it. but a potluck wedding reception? really?

[StephanieZ]

I don't think it is tacky. I think it sounds fun.

 

I personally think it is sad that so many families and couples stress out so much paying for food and whatnot for celebrations. I think celebrations should be about people coming together to bless a couple or baby or whatever. I think people should host whatever events they can afford and that they will enjoy.

 

If you love them, show up and bring a dish. Give gift(s) at the events, too. Spend as much or as little as you wish.

 

If you don't love them, send regrets.

 

What is really tacky IMHO is using someone's special occasion as an opportunity to criticize them. I think it is really, really sad. I try to avoid having people like that in my life.

[Pawz4me]

I've never heard of asking guests to bring potluck to a wedding reception. I have been to plenty of cake/punch wedding receptions. I've been to weddings where some people (including me, sometimes) were invited to the ceremony but not the reception due to the cost of feeding so many people. I've been to weddings where the reception was a cookout (barbecue) with hamburgers and hotdogs held a few weeks after the wedding. And I've been to receptions where best friends and aunts have prepared all the food themselves (including home-made wedding cake). But I've never heard of wedding guests being asked to provide the food. I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with it, but if it were me getting married, or one of my kids -- no way would I ask someone to bring food and also expect a gift.

[Heather in Neverland]

I was recently invited to a wedding and the reception is potluck. The couple is providing beverages only (and no alcohol). There will also be no entertainment or dancing, etc.

 

AND the invitation asked for cash in lieu of gifts.

 

I feel woozy from the tackiness of it all. Unbelievable.

[Tita Gidge]

I think you can love people and share their joys, but still be in awe of or confused by their choices. Pretty sure that's how the whole parenting thing works. Or at least it has in my family, spoken as both someone's child and as someone's parent! No reason those same human reactions can't extend beyond immediate family.

 

Ruby Sue's not running to the bride or family to complain; she's "processing" it (LOL) on-line rather anonymously, and has said that this wouldn't stop her from attending the wedding (and even bringing a dish, as requested).

 

Good gracious.

 

I find it difficult to believe (and sad, if true) that some people avoid family rather than accept that those people can love you, however imperfectly. This isn't a case of an overly critical mother or overbearing father - it's a cousin who agrees with the MoG that it's a tacky thing to do. They're commiserating together, rather than criticizing the couple to their face. Seems the more loving option to me, given that people will and do have differences of opinions on these things. They're not out there trying to convince the bride to change anything, they're simply sharing amongst themselves that they'd have done differently. Hardly high drama or indicative of Ruby Sue's assumed inability to still share in the joy of the occasion. It's not one-dimensional, nor is she, I suspect.

 

Seriously. You'd think there were a bunch of saints posting here. Or Stepford Cousins, incapable of normal human feelings LOL.

[lea1]

I have never heard of a potluck wedding! I've been to plenty of cake and punch weddings, and that seems to make the most sense if your budget is low.

 

Same here. I don't think you are tacky at all. I have never heard of this before and would have been quite surprised myself. Maybe this is only done in certain areas of the U.S.

[KarenNC]

I'd honestly much rather participate in a potluck reception than some of the other ways folks seem to regularly celebrate weddings around the country. I was appalled to encounter the "dollar dance" for the first time :eek: at a relative's wedding in another area of the country during the (expensively) catered sit-down reception with open bar and dancing in a banquet hall. People were expected to pin money onto the bride and groom to dance with them. At that point, I had only known of one situation in which one attached money to a person's clothing and it wasn't a wedding! I was informed (later) that it was customary to give the couple a monetary gift (in addition to the wedding present) roughly equivalent to the cost of the meal for the reception, and very much the norm in their area (this was 25 years ago or so). I was accustomed to the "chip and dip" reception (as the same relative called it----cake/punch/mints/nuts in the church hall---like I had ;) ). I also don't get the "honeyfund" requests I've gotten recently where, in lieu of gifts, I'm requested to help pay for the couple's honeymoon (a week in Bermuda). We planned the reception and the honeymoon we could pay for.

[Night Elf]

Well, I guess I'm tacky. I think it sounds like a wonderful plan. I'd love to renew my vows and have a potluck reception. How cool is that? But we don't know enough people. We'd end up with chicken, two sides, and a jello mold.

[Carrie12345]

One of the (many) reasons I chose not to do a traditional wedding was because I hated the thought that there would inevitably wind up being people who found X tacky or Y pretentious or Z presumptuous. I hated the idea of people thinking negatively about the day I married my husband. So I only invited people I knew would be focused on our happiness and not arbitrary "etiquette".

[Murphy101]

Well, I guess I'm tacky. I think it sounds like a wonderful plan. I'd love to renew my vows and have a potluck reception. How cool is that? But we don't know enough people. We'd end up with chicken, two sides, and a jello mold.

 

 

Hey now, with the right four people, that's the making of a fine small party for the night. Give me four genuine friends over 150 people who will spend more time complaining about how tacky I am than just enjoying the event any day. :)

 

I don't think every couple that wants a low budget wedding should have to settle for only cake and punch. That's all I had and I was fine with it. However, the hazard of only cake and punch is that the reception is usually extremely short in duration. Maybe they don't want a quick reception. Maybe they want everyone to stick around long into the night. For many weddings, the occassion almost doubles as a reunion of sorts. Some people want to savor that.

[lmrich]

Just the logistics of it all...keeping food hot, keeping peanut butter items, or gluten free.... Keep it simple. Cake and punch. I made cookies for my own wedding, and other family contributed. I just can not imagine bringing a casserole of Mac and cheese to a wedding or (gross) anything with mayo to sit outside.

[AnIslandGirl]

Other than reading about these informal weddings online, I've honestly never experienced one IRL. Formal weddings (ceremony, cocktail hour, catered dinner, dancing, etc.) are just expected with the occasional destination wedding thrown in, but those are just as formal.

In the context of my own life I'd vote tacky, but it's their day, so I'd roll with the brides wishes (as strange as they seem to me).

[Jennifer in MI]

If the couple is nice and you like them, go, do it.

 

If you do not, send a nice note and RSVP no.

 

We can discuss tacky until the end of time, but the only thing that matters is whether you care about the couple/ being a part of their celebrations.

 

I agree!!! (I feel like I just follow you around and agree with everything! :) )

One of the nicest weddings I've attended we were asked to bring a dish in-lue of gift.

But I was also the (pregnant) best man /Groom's wittness, so it was unconventional.

It was under the trees in their orchard and lovely.

 

I'm another in favour of low key and inclusive. Making it a real family rather than engineered event.

 

Yup! One of the most wonderful weddings we attended was a few summers ago in Vermont. It was outdoors in a field. They laid blankets on the grass where we all sat and the couple got married! It was gorgeous. The reception was at a tiny, out of the way church. It was potluck! They had a tent and a band and a bar outside and more dancing inside. We all were invited to help decorate the church for the reception too. It was a wonderful celebration and in the end, they were married. Same as if they had spent $50,000.

 

I'm sick of the wedding industry anyway. So, this kind of wedding appeals to me!

[itsheresomewhere]

Not tacky and quite fun. At one, the Mother of the Bride even asked everyone to contribute a recipe before hand. She had it made into a nice cookbook for the bride. The couple supplied did supply the meat.

 

Now what tacky(IMO) is to have a wedding complete with very expensive food and expect those in the wedding to serve your guests. You can rent out the country club but can't hire servers.

[Slipper]

Not tacky. My Dad and step-mom had a potluck reception. We were all thrilled to see them get married and wanted to contribute to their happy day.

 

Personally, I think having extravagant weddings and paying hundreds to thousands of dollars for a one-time outfit is excessive. There is nothing wrong with having a modest or low-key event.

 

Also, while you may think they are well-off, that may not be the case. They may have other obligations that you aren't aware of (especially student loans depending on his job). I think we should be commending people that are trying to live within their means instead of branding them as tacky. At the end of the day, the extra cost to bring a dish is probably less than $10.

[beaners]

Potluck receptions weren't unheard of when I lived in New York. Most people had catered events at a hotel, but I know my cousin had a pig roast with potluck sides. Other people have too, but that's the most recent one I can think of.

 

I seem to consistently fall on the "not tacky" side in these conversations, but at least I have some company this time!

[Parrothead]

Well, generally it just isn't done at formal weddings. If the engraved invitations are sent out, there is an expectation of formality. Which does not include guests bringing food for the reception.

 

But, and it is a big but, if the wedding Is not a formal affair the formality is lessened to the degree of the affair. An email invitation saying come to the wedding and bring a covered dish is acceptable. It just is not considered a formal affair.

 

I've never been to a potluck wedding, but I would go.

 

The tacky part is sending engraved invitations to a potluck.

[J-rap]

I think in most cases, it's kind of expected that the bride and groom and/or families host the post-wedding reception, whether it be cake and coffee or the whole sit-down catered deal. However, I think it could be done differently and still be fun -- depending on how it's handled.

 

Just the other day one of my daughters and I were talking about how it might be fun to have a real casual wedding at a park someday that was a potluck. I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing that with a lot of people we didn't know well, but if's close friends and family who we knew would be game for it, it could be fun.

 

I do think that if it's an older couple (older meaning they have already established their own households and have everything they need), it might appear kind of strange to have a shower and expect gifts to help build up their household. But if it's a pre-wedding gathering just to celebrate the upcoming marriage in a fun way -- without gifts -- that seems okay to me.

[Guest submarines]

Well of course I'll attend and bring a dish if so required, but I can still anonymously complain about if I want too. :p

 

 

If you think they are tacky, why would you attend? :confused1:

 

I think it is tackier to complain about them and be all smug (even if anonymously), and then attend and smile, and pretend you're enjoying their "tacky" reception.

[LostSurprise]

I find it interesting that 'I haven't heard of that' = 'that's tacky'. I don't believe that even Miss Manners could predict all the situations, personalities, and cultures that make up human experience.

 

Most people I know who might go that route have less interest in gifts. Potluck means they want to share family time together at the lowest stress and cost for everyone. Usually there's a small family circle which do the "catering" (say grandma and the aunts and possibly the more involved cousins might be asked to bring something, not friends or bachelor uncles). One to two women organize the thing for the couple as a way to get the family or community together (whether the couple is asking for it or not). Often this will be a reception set apart from the wedding (which may be in another state or at the courthouse).