how do you save money without making your family feel "deprived"?

[jackson'smama]

Amy Dacyczyn devotes several essays in her book The Complete Tightwad Gazette to just this topic. I highly recommend her wisdom. The book should be available from your library.

 

http://www.amazon.co...ightwad gazette

 

thanks. it's been years since i read this. may make a library run before they close at 2!

[TammyS]

so i'm thinking things along the lines of make your own detergent kind of tips. but then part of me gets annoyed that i'm always looking for ways to trim the grocery budget while he spends 5-10 bucks at the gas station several days a week.

 

This would tick me off, too. It's not right and not fair for you to scrimp and do extra work so that he can buy crap at the gas station.

 

Sit down and have a meeting and agree on how all of the money will be spent. Part of that will be his discretionary money. You will agree together how much he gets. Then once you agree on that, he gets it, and you never say anything about it ever.

[jackson'smama]

This would tick me off, too. It's not right and not fair for you to scrimp and do extra work so that he can buy crap at the gas station.

 

Sit down and have a meeting and agree on how all of the money will be spent. Part of that will be his discretionary money. You will agree together how much he gets. Then once you agree on that, he gets it, and you never say anything about it ever.

 

so if it would tick you off and it's not right or fair, then how do you agree on deciding how much he gets and never saying anything about it? :)

[happyhomemaker]

It sounds like you have a budget and if your dh blows it, you are left scrambling to find other areas to cut. I would sit down with dh, tell him you need to be on the same page with a budget, go over bill amounts and other expenditures. Then ask him to come up with a budget. You can both sit down later with your budgets, make some compromises, and come up with a plan that is yours together.

[trinchick]

so if it would tick you off and it's not right or fair, then how do you agree on deciding how much he gets and never saying anything about it? :)

 

Well, that's the thing. Once you come up with an amount he can "blow" on gas station food, etc. you can't say anything about it as long as he stays within that guideline.

 

My DH has some really stupid (IMHO) tastes - like "collectible" bobbleheads and Star Wars figures. But if they come out of his money, I'm not allowed to comment on whether I think they're wasteful, just as he's not allowed to comment on some of my purchases that he may not agree with but come out of my budget.

 

You're not really agreeing to what should be spent on gas station treats. You're agreeing to how much is to be spent wholly at his own discretion, whether you consider the purchase to be worthwhile or not.

 

As someone who has fought this battle for a long time, I can say that you will be much happier once you accept that $50 or so each month is going to be wasted instead of having your blood pressure go up a notch every time you see a chips wrapper on the floor of the car or (in my case) a UPS package on the doorstep with an Ebay label for a return address.

[jackson'smama]

It sounds like you have a budget and if your dh blows it, you are left scrambling to find other areas to cut. I would sit down with dh, tell him you need to be on the same page with a budget, go over bill amounts and other expenditures. Then ask him to come up with a budget. You can both sit down later with your budgets, make some compromises, and come up with a plan that is yours together.

 

 

i don't really have to scramble. i'm just a saver and a scrimper by nature. dh is a saver but not to the point of denying himself something he really wants that he finds reasonable. the problem is what he finds reasonable.

 

for example with the gas station junk food. i would not have a problem with spending 500 on an item he really wanted. but frittering away 500 over the course of a year on JUNK FOOD AT A GAS STATION seems really stupid *to me*. if you're gonna spend the money spend it on something worthwhile. the problem is he finds it worthwhile. i do not. i don't know how to reconcile that. maybe i shouldn't care about 50-100 per month on junk and random eating out, but i do. it doesn't break us, but we could do better.

[trinchick]

i don't really have to scramble. i'm just a saver and a scrimper by nature. dh is a saver but not to the point of denying himself something he really wants that he finds reasonable. the problem is what he finds reasonable.

 

for example with the gas station junk food. i would not have a problem with spending 500 on an item he really wanted. but frittering away 500 over the course of a year on JUNK FOOD AT A GAS STATION seems really stupid *to me*. if you're gonna spend the money spend it on something worthwhile. the problem is he finds it worthwhile. i do not. i don't know how to reconcile that. maybe i shouldn't care about 50-100 per month on junk and random eating out, but i do. it doesn't break us, but we could do better.

 

Well, I'm a lot like you by nature (saver and scrimper). I had to make the conscious decision that our relationship was worth more than the extra $50 in the bank each month. I didn't like myself for feeling like "AHA!" every time I found a wasteful debit on our account or the way that I would harp on him about a $20 purchase when he's a contributing adult in our family and we could afford the $20, even if I could think of 100 more pleasant (to ME) ways to spend the money.

 

I also know my DH now is able to enjoy his purchases since he doesn't have to worry that Sherlock Holmes is sneaking up behind him to sniff out every frivolous nickel spent.

 

Capping the expenditures to a monthly budget allows me to turn a blind eye and just let it go, and it makes the spending less wasted because DH is getting more pleasure out of it. We are much happier and it is still cheaper than therapy (for either or both of us) or divorce.

[jackson'smama]

Well, I'm a lot like you by nature (saver and scrimper). I had to make the conscious decision that our relationship was worth more than the extra $50 in the bank each month. I didn't like myself for feeling like "AHA!" every time I found a wasteful debit on our account or the way that I would harp on him about a $20 purchase when he's a contributing adult in our family and we could afford the $20, even if I could think of 100 more pleasant (to ME) ways to spend the money.

 

I also know my DH now is able to enjoy his purchases since he doesn't have to worry that Sherlock Holmes is sneaking up behind him to sniff out every frivolous nickel spent.

 

Capping the expenditures to a monthly budget allows me to turn a blind eye and just let it go, and it makes the spending less wasted because DH is getting more pleasure out of it. We are much happier and it is still cheaper than therapy (for either or both of us) or divorce.

 

hits home. thank you

[vonfirmath]

for example with the gas station junk food. i would not have a problem with spending 500 on an item he really wanted. but frittering away 500 over the course of a year on JUNK FOOD AT A GAS STATION seems really stupid *to me*. if you're gonna spend the money spend it on something worthwhile. the problem is he finds it worthwhile. i do not. i don't know how to reconcile that. maybe i shouldn't care about 50-100 per month on junk and random eating out, but i do. it doesn't break us, but we could do better.

 

Having independent "allowances" for each of you allow you to have different ideas of what is worthwhile without blowing the budget, or your stack at each other.

 

It appears your husband doesn't just think junk food at the gas station is more valuable, he also values the time with his kids that you find more worthwhile to spend making food from scratch. Or perhaps its the relationship with the kids. (trying to rephrase this from a different point of view.) By the nature of being different people, you are going to have different values. Part of what marriage is is balancing those different values to make a unified whole for the family.

 

Personally, its worth it to me to spend a bit more $$ at the store so I can have things in the cabinets to grab and make food for the kids when I don't feel like cooking. OR we make a meal ahead that we end up eating off of for several days so we don't have to cook Every Night. To avoid eating out, we have frozen chicken nuggets, sandwich bread and sandwich fixings, etc. Several different options in the house. I work every day and don't have the energy or want-to to cook very often. I do what I have to. Thankfully I've got a husband who 1) Loves to cook and 2) works with me to ensure we have quick dinner alternatives that do NOT involve going out to eat because we can't afford that as a family.

 

And yes we much prefer bananas or apples over oranges. Because of the mess factor.

[Zebra]

Whenever I am feeling deprived, I shut off the electricity and water in my house or set up camp at our local park with the other homeless people.

 

Okay, not really. But, sometimes just reminding myself of the roof over my head/warm bed/food/flushing toilet is enough to make me snap out of it.

[regentrude]

but it drives me nuts that dh spends at least 50 a month on junk food from a convenience store but won't really let me buy it 'in bulk' at the grocery store to save.

 

The bolded is your main problem. The choice of wording of your DH "letting you" purchase groceries in whatever way indicates to me that you need to sit down and talk about finances together and make a plan together.

In order to save in a meaningful way, both spouses must be on board. Anything else is doctoring symptoms without curing the disease.

 

dh is a saver but not to the point of denying himself something he really wants that he finds reasonable. the problem is what he finds reasonable.

 

The problem is not what HE finds reasonable. The problem is that YOUR "reasonable" and DH's "reasonable" seem to be two very different things. You need to talk about this and set goals together. Blaming him for being unreasonable will not solve anything.

[fairfarmhand]

One other thing to keep in mind is that sometimes this becomes a power struggle between the saver and the spender. He feels that he should be treated as an adult, entitled to a say in how the money is spent, so he possibly could be doing it just to prove that point.

 

I'd sit down and agree that x amount of money per week is going to "junk" and I would not say a word, even if it feels frivolous to me. But I would need him to promise that he would stick to that amount.

[jackson'smama]

 

It appears your husband doesn't just think junk food at the gas station is more valuable, he also values the time with his kids that you find more worthwhile to spend making food from scratch. Or perhaps its the relationship with the kids. (trying to rephrase this from a different point of view.)

 

 

i believe he honestly gets enjoyment out of buying. he gets enjoyment out of junk food. kids like junk food. he feels good to provide himself and them with some junk food.

 

i feel pressure to cook from scratch and to limit junk food...financially and healthwise.

 

but i don't think he avoids from scratch cooking so he can have more time with the kids. he just doesn't want to do it.

[TammyS]

so if it would tick you off and it's not right or fair, then how do you agree on deciding how much he gets and never saying anything about it? :)

 

 

Because you agree that a certain amount of discretionary money is his to spend (and you get some, too). That IS right and fair.

 

What isn't right and fair is doing extra work so that he can take money out of the general funds for nonsense. But if he takes it out of HIS discretionary funds, that's his business.

[Miss Mousie]

i think it's almost as much of a happiness with the purchase as it is with the product.

 

 

I haven't yet finished reading the whole thread, but I think you are on to something here.

 

My thoughts:

 

1. Allow them the "little luxuries," but see if you can get them give up even a single one as long as they know they can keep the rest. Then, after they are no longer pining for that one relinquished luxury, see if you can get them to give up one more. But don't cut them off cold; everybody likes a little luxury here & there. I am more frugal than my DH, and I sometimes feel stingy because of it; for example, if I took DS to the museum, we would have car snacks or wait until we got home, but when DH takes him, they stop at the hot dog cart on the way out. It is something they look forward to and enjoy, so even though it's $10 or so that DH didn't need to spend, the two of them now have fond memories of their tradition, while I have only some empty granola wrappers to throw out!

 

2. Skimp on things that don't matter to them. You've already mentioned cloth napkins; what about cheaper shampoo, or slightly diluting whatever shampoo you use? Are certain brands of toilet tissue or facial tissue important or could you drop down a notch? Laundry doesn't require anywhere near the amount of detergent that the manufacturers recommend - use just enough to make suds. Cheaper brands of frozen veggies, cereals, etc. often taste the same as more expensive ones (but not in all cases - you'd have to try a few and see what files.) There are all sorts of ways to trim without them noticing, but you have to think hard about what will work at your house.

 

3. Your husband really does not seem to be on board with you, or maybe he just can't see the equation: same income - new savings goals = reduce normal spending.

 

Off to read more. I hope some of the advice in this thread is helping you!

[LaughingCat]

I used to enjoy a bi-weekly latte with similar feelings (I deserved it and it didn't cost that much). Then DH and I agreed to fund those types of purchases from a personal discretionary fund (aka allowance) - and pretty quickly I found there were other things I would much rather spend "my" money on (or save it up for). I still buy an occasional one - but now it's a rare treat not a common indulgence.

 

For me, the discretionary aspect was key though - creating a "junk food" budget line just fed my bad habit.

[jackson'smama]

my replies in bold

 

, if I took DS to the museum, we would have car snacks or wait until we got home, but when DH takes him, they stop at the hot dog cart on the way out. It is something they look forward to and enjoy, so even though it's $10 or so that DH didn't need to spend, the two of them now have fond memories of their tradition, while I have only some empty granola wrappers to throw out!

 

 

THIS IS US!

 

2. Skimp on things that don't matter to them. You've already mentioned cloth napkins; what about cheaper shampoo, or slightly diluting whatever shampoo you use? Are certain brands of toilet tissue or facial tissue important or could you drop down a notch? Laundry doesn't require anywhere near the amount of detergent that the manufacturers recommend - use just enough to make suds. Cheaper brands of frozen veggies, cereals, etc. often taste the same as more expensive ones (but not in all cases - you'd have to try a few and see what files.) There are all sorts of ways to trim without them noticing, but you have to think hard about what will work at your house.

 

this is the direction i'm headed

 

I hope some of the advice in this thread is helping you!

 

 

definitely!

 

[Cinder]

an example for food: yesterday, i worked 12 hours (gone 14). last night, dh said "there's not much food in the house". i myself could feed the family for at least a few days without them noticing anything really lacking. but it involves prep, cooking, etc. his complaint was that we ran out of milk so the kids couldn't eat cereal and that we didn't have syrup so they couldn't eat waffles. seriously?

so they had eggs, toast, veggie sausage.

 

then they asked for bananas later. we didn't have bananas so they had to pick from apples or oranges. that feels fine to me, but when he said what he said it made me feel like i'm not doing a good job of providing food in the manner that makes them happy. then i wonder if that should matter.

 

i'm a worrier

 

Oh this reminds me of the time my friend's dd was bemoaning the fact that her mother didn't buy food; she just bought ingredients. :laugh:

 

Sometimes I have to remind my teens that they need to put in some effort. Sometimes they decide the effort isn't worth it and they go hungry. Sometimes I have to remind people that if they don't want what's available they aren't really that hungry after all.

 

ETA: If your dh is in charge of feeding the dc on certain days you might just need to have simple ingredients on hand for him to prepare. I know my dh cannot see how different ingredients could work together to make "food." But if he sees a jar of spaghetti sauce and a box of noodles it will be more obvious to him what he can make.

[KungFuPanda]

This might not be up to you. Some people know how to be happy with what they have and some people ALWAYS want more. It may just be a personality thing, but ruining your budget won't satisfy the 'I want more' types. Also, I don't think YOU should have to jump through hoops when you're not the one whining. KWIM? Discontent is a personal choice.

[jackson'smama]

Discontent is a personal choice.

 

agree. but how do you teach children contentment? anything besides modeling it?

[milovany]

agree. but how do you teach children contentment? anything besides modeling it?

 

Modeling it, adding in corresponding words for children so they hear it as well as see it, is the best way IMO. Read biographies of contented people and be around contented people (for example, in our faith, there are tons of the lives of Christian saints from the past 2000 years that we can read, and we can visit the local monastery where the nuns have given up everything).

[Lady Florida.]

Well, that's the thing. Once you come up with an amount he can "blow" on gas station food, etc. you can't say anything about it as long as he stays within that guideline.

 

 

You're not really agreeing to what should be spent on gas station treats. You're agreeing to how much is to be spent wholly at his own discretion, whether you consider the purchase to be worthwhile or not.

 

 

 

Because you agree that a certain amount of discretionary money is his to spend (and you get some, too). That IS right and fair.

 

 

 

The key word is discretionary. What that money gets spent on is at his discretion. He has the freedom to make those decisions. Once you sit down and agree on a budget that includes blow money for both of you, you have to be willing to let it go. His blow money = his choice of how to spend it. That's much easier than seeing it come out of money that was earmarked for something else, including savings.

[LucyStoner]

Shift away from the idea that fun costs money. Do lots of fun activities that are free or very low cost. My sons are just as thrilled with a long bike ride as they are with a trip to the toy store. They are thrilled with movie nights where we make home made treats and get a DVD from the library or red box.

[milovany]

We find less expensive activities that cost money.

 

Disneyland? Well, no, that's not something that I think we'll ever spend money on. Several days to a week at a beach house every summer? Sure!

 

Dinner out at the much-talked-about (and pricey) themed restaurant? Um, no, but dinner at the local Mexican restaurant, ordering sides of rice, beans, tortillas and pico de gallo to make burritos at the table? Sure! (I took six of our kids and myself out for this the other night and it cost $16.50 total.)

 

Weekend trips here there and everywhere several times a year? No, but a year-long membership on 100 ft. century-old schooner with which we can go on several free 3-hour sails every year? Absolutely!

 

Fancy water park with tons of slide options and other happening features? (and $10/person entry fee -- $30 if we go to the HUGE one a couple of hours away)? Nah. But small water park in quiet town that has two slides and a large swimming pool (and a $3-$4 entry fee)? Let's go!

 

Seeing movies at the theatre? Hardly ever (most of my kids have been just once or twice, I think). But home movie night several times a month? Invite friends? Sounds good!

 

We've been creating some great memories with our kids for many years using the above, and similar, options.

[Mommy22alyns]

Just a couple of little random tips, how about a crockpot meal when you have to work? Set it in the morning and all DH has to do is scoop it out and serve. They often make leftovers for us (it's easy to double the recipe) and will last for several days.

 

Also, I have been making my own laundry detergent for years and it works very well. We do invest in Tide just for whites and still use fabric softener, but laundry detergent is expensive!!

 

Finally, I do agree that you guys need to set discretionary funds and then not worry about exactly where the other person spent them. It works.

 

As far as the kids go, just teach them in gentle ways. Sure, the girls would love to go to Target and get a new toy every week, what kid wouldn't? But it just doesn't happen because we have plenty of toys. They don't feel deprived, they just go dig out something that they haven't played with in a while. Especially for the younger ones, we'd "hide" bins of toys and rotate them now and then. Will we ever go to Disney World? Not likely. Would the girls love to go? Of course. Is that ruining their life? Not at all. They get plenty of joy from going out to the library and picking out an extravagant 10 books on their own card.

[KungFuPanda]

 

 

agree. but how do you teach children contentment? anything besides modeling it?

 

I'm not sure you can learn to be happy with what you have if you've never, ever gone without something. If every whim is always met, your kids don't get a chance to really appreciate what they DO get. I think part of being grateful for what you have comes from knowing what it feels like to not have everything handed to you. You have to be willing to let them experience the occasional disappointment in life without feeling heartbroken for them. You WANT them to learn to handle this and it's OK to start with skipping a happy meal.

[happypamama]

Well, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I do just have to tell the kids (or DH, or myself) that X or Y just is not in the budget, no matter how great it sounds. That's just life, and if it's something that we'd be okay with, if we had the money, I tell them that. I believe in honesty.

 

Now, we do try to make a point of doing things that ARE good values for the money. A few dollars for a movie, or an outing that is free or a good deal. When something is a particularly good value for a large family (like, if the small boys are free or something), we really try to do that. My kids think popcorn and a DVD or family game/poker night is GREAT fun! (That being said, we do splurge occasionally -- we took everyone to see The Hobbit in 3D in the theater. It wasn't cheap, but we also do that very, very rarely, and so the kids really appreciated it. Small splurges occasionally can help them not feel deprived other times.)

 

I have the kids help me in the kitchen. They like to help with food prep, and I think that makes it more fun. There's generally a bit of room in the budget for small treats too, either bought or home-baked, so that helps too. We do talk about how much of a better deal it is, for instance, to buy ice cream and toppings and cones at the store, rather than going out for ice cream. My kids generally will understand that it's better to have ice cream twice on a weekend than once!

 

My kids love shopping at the thrift store. We're all always excited when we get a good deal; I think mine and DH's excitement for that has carried over to the kids.

 

Also, I keep our thermostat pretty high, 72 minimum. (I'm not sure that's accurate though; it's an old, somewhat drafty, house, so some rooms will be too warm in order for other rooms to be tolerable.) But I refuse to be cold and dislike bulky sweatshirts and sweaters. (However, our main floor is heated by wood, and DH says a few degrees really doesn't make that much of a difference in how much wood the furnace burns.)

[Shawn On the Border]

I've been cutting back on meat in meals. My meat-loving 17 year old didn't notice that I only put 1/2 the beef in the beef stew (and more veggies)!

 

Also, I think my kids appreciate snacks more when I let them pick them out. I will say that they each have three dollars to pick out something at the grocery store. I do the same at McDonald's. Now they understand that I am not made of money.

 

[Deb in NZ]

dh & I don't see eye to eye all the time on some spending issues, but we are on the same page (I think) on the big issues. Many of the issues you've mentioned have come up over the years with us.

 

Happy Meals---DH hates McD, while for me it is a taste of home that has gotten me through some serious home-sickness in my early years living overseas. When my dc were the age of your dc, I would get one large combo for me + a cheeseburger each for the dc. They would drink water & we would all share the fries. The coke was mine as dh & I both agreed that soda was not what we wanted for our dc. We would tell our dc that only Grandma bought Happy Meals. Since Grandma lived in the States & us in New Zealand, they didn't get many Happy Meals. When Grandma came to visit, I just let her buy as many Happy Meals as she wanted :-P

 

72F is high for heat. I'd LOVE my house to be that temp, but there is NNO way dh would allow it. We have no central heating in our house. We have a woodstove that we use April-September. I light the fire at 5pm & we put in the last log at bedtime. It isn't unusual for the house to be 45-50F when we get up. Add to this the fact that dh opens ALL the windows when he gets up, summer or winter, I have just accepted the fact that I have to wear tons of clothes to stay comfortable.

 

If your dh seems to need meals that are just grab & serve, I would suggest crockpot meals or homemade "Lunchables" so that all he needs to do is put the food on the table. If your dh wants your dc to remember having treats, choose a day to be your fastfood night & make the eating out planned. This would allow you to teach your dc proper "eating out" manners & as they get older you could try different cusines (i.e pizza this week, Thai next week, Indian the following week, etc.) This way no feels deprived. Having a menu posted also, helps make going out for fastfood less of a temptation.

 

If your dc have tons of leggos, but like "new" is it possible to download leggo plans for them to build with their existing supply of blocks? Rotating toys is another way of making old toys feel new again.

 

Being on the same page as dh has helped when our dc did get the start pestering us for things. We made the decision when they were toddlers to have only 1 TV (& it is an old tv) + to NOT allow any video type game or computer games in the house at all. Instead we got involved in Scouts, music, & sports. We have never regreted this decision. We only get the 5 free channels, but even with that we sometimes have more than one show we want to watch at the same time & have had to compromise. We have a video player & dvd player, but seldom rent dvds. We have a nice collection that my family has sent over the years. Ds#2 keeps saying we should get cable, but we just say "no" or ignore him. We do not want TV to be a focus in our lives. DH would love to be able to watch shows w/o tons of commercials, but we know that if we get cable, everything else would take a backseat to TV & we don't want that.

 

JMHO

[Lily_Grace]

I'm not going to comment on most of the rest of the thread, because much of what I would say was already done so. :)

 

agree. but how do you teach children contentment? anything besides modeling it?

 

 

Well.......you sort of have to model it specifically. There's being frugal and there's having direction. When your children see that frugality has a purpose in the long run (or even in the short run) they're more likely to understand. Understanding leads to contentment.

 

Dh and I don't spend a lot. We make a purchase each paycheck from Amazon for 1-2 items, grocery shop, buy gas, and pay activity fees that we're in. Our children know and understand this. They know their needs/wants are budgeted into the paycheck, just like ours, and like our family's as a whole. The budget sits on the computer to be looked at by any person in this house. We don't hide our path to our goals and dreams. I want our kids to grow up with more financial knowledge than either of us had growing up.

 

On the upside :) Dh and I just spent a lovely 4 days in Paris for a whopping $600. Our kids got to see frugal + determination = dream.

[Ruby Rose]

One way to cut back without feeling deprived is to cut off the TV with its incessant must have everything advertising. We've been without TV for a couple of years now, but before that my kids wanted every piece of crap they advertised. We don't have that problem anymore thanks to commercial free Netflix.

 

I think you should talley up the money DH spends on his 7-11 habit, dinner out with the kids, new toys and multiply it by a year. Just $10 a week is $520 a year. I'm sure he is spending more than that. Then decide what you could be doing with all that wasted money.

 

Let your kids start earning money by doing chores. Want that new toy? Have you saved enough? My experience is that they don't want that toy if it means spending their hard earned money. Also you could store half of their toys and rotate them in every few months. It's like getting all new toys.

[joannqn]

We have found that setting a budget and using cash helps a lot. When the money is gone, it is gone.

 

We are saving for a family trip to Disneyland by not eating out. We set our eating out budget at what it was in November (high but not as high as some months), and anything left in that envelope goes into the Disneyland fund. It will take us about two years to save the amount we will need. To help the kids, I do two things:

 

When they mention stopping for fast food, I reply, "Are you sure you want to spend Disneyland money on that?" My older kids never ask for fast food now; my younger ones quickly change their mind after my question.

 

I'll be keeping a big two-poster-board-sized chart showing how much we've saved, using a different color for each month. That way they'll have a visual representation of our efforts. I'm in the process of finishing it up, and it will be mounted on a prominent wall in our home soon.

[2squared]

This is a hard, hard thing for me too. My dh spends money in ways that drive me crazy. But, here's the deal: He's just as entitled to spend our money as I am. My choice of "correct" spending is not actually correct. It is just my opinion. You two need a budget. You need to agree on financial goals and discretionary spending. You need to have both for balance.

 

In my perfect world, we would save money until we have years of expenses in the bank. Dh barely needs any savings. We have to compromise somewhere in the middle b/c that's how marriages work. As dh says when his clients go to mediation, you know you have a good compromise when neither party is happy but both are accepting. I think our compromising actually works out well. We are financially solid from my saving needs but yet we live a little b/c of dh.

 

I even *gasp* spend some of my discretionary money on gas station treats now. I enjoy spending $1 on suckers for the kids. I know I could buy a bag of them at the grocery store for less in total, but that's just not the same experience. My kids wouldn't be wowed by pulling a sucker out of the pantry, but they are wowed when I stop and buy them at a gas station.

[Guest]

any tips? i'm trying to save as much as possible, and for me it's pretty easy. for my children and dh, on the other hand, it feels confining and like they're "missing out" on something. i don't want to set up a false situation of them thinking we have it all when we don't, but i also don't want them feeling like i'm depriving them. what are ways i could sneak in some frugality in all areas of our life without it having the outward feelings of frugality? does that make sense? all tips welcome!

 

I have not read the other replies, so sorry if I'm repeating others.

 

I believe this mostly comes down to your attitude about it. Do you act apologetic when you provide a frugal substitute? If you do, you are giving the message that you believe the frugal choice is inferior, but circumstances dictate (i.e., "we're victims") that you must spend little.

 

I never do this. For real. I offer the frugal choice with pride, delighted about the money we're saving. I regularly, openly "brag" about how little I can spend on something that, IMO, is a superior item. If I make cookies, I "brag" about how delicious they are and how much less they cost than store-bought, inferior cookies.

 

I also routinely point out that consumable goods are best purchased as inexpensively as possible. For example, if one pair of blue athletic pants are available in ds's size at Goodwill for $1.57, what benefit would there be in buying the same type of pants at a retail store for $22.98? Is the retail-purchased pair of pants ten times superior to the second-hand pair? I make this comparison to my children very often. They are very aware that I'm price-sensitive about many things, but MOST ESPECIALLY consumable goods.

 

I do have one ace in the game, though, and that is that dh is also frugal. :)

[Spryte]

This thread is full of excellent ideas. :)

 

DH and I had to shift in the same direction - not because we needed to make changes to make ends meet, but for our long-term financial goals. It was hard, and we had fits and starts - sometimes one of us was more on target than the other. The discretionary spending account for each is such a help in that department.

 

Things that helped us... Hmmm... I won't wish this on anyone, but when DS developed severe allergies, DH and I both had to reexamine our eating out. We couldn't just stop for Happy Meals or run in the convenience store - and it was a hard transition. We started with finding food we liked, and could keep in the car. In our case, it was stuff we could buy at Costco that wasn't available at a convenience store. Or stuff we'd order by the case from Amazon. ...It was special to get a bag of *whatever* in the car, and it was a treat. As I began figuring out more allergy safe baking, and making sure we had treats on hand... It was so much more appealing to eat those yummy treats than stuff from the store anyway. So... If i you can't convince DH that a bag of something from Costco is yummy, then how about making the cookies or salty/crunchy treats that he can't resist? Make them so good that he'd rather have them. :) For drinks, get everyone a special to go bottle.

 

We now have a great system, but it has taken a lot of tweaking. We started with brown bags in the car for each person - with a selection of junk and healthy treats. It was fun to open them and see what was in the bag each day. When DH got into it, he was much better at loading the bags! Now we have a picnic backpack, and a great system. We have a picnic tradition for after museums - and we do them at least twice monthly. I love that we have the family memories of tons of picnics. But it was a hard transition.

 

It also sounds like your DH doesn't know what to do with the kids that doesn't involve food? Could you make a list, put it on popsicle sticks or something, put those in a jar, and let the kids take turns drawing an activity for the next day... So your DH doesn't have to think of ideas, and the kids are looking forward to the non-food activity? Hmmm... If he *needs* to have a convenience store run in that list, maybe you could make one activity Diet Coke and Mentos???

[Mommy22alyns]

I forgot to add that for us 72 is high for heat. It's usually about 65 in here and we use blankets or slippers as needed.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

things we found helped us:

a) having ulterior motives. (eg. we don't eat fast food because we want to be healthy, not because it is a waste of money. we found once we became accustomed to cooking from scratch, and came to enjoy the taste of truly good food, it became more and more difficult to eat out and enjoy it.) for things like eating out after activities, i would make a statement like, "we can eat at the zoo, or we can pack a picnic lunch and all get snow cones. which would you like?" and then i'd let them choose. if they chose eating over snow cones, i would suggest something else the next time until i discovered their "currency". this helped wean us off the expectation that we would always eat out when we were out, and had the added benefit of them feeling as if they had a say in how we spent money.... and that there were other than yes/no choices. we also had a house rule that we would never order anything that was over our desired calorie intake for that meal.... which pretty much elimates happy meals, etc, etc. at mcdonalds we can eat yoghurt parfaits, ice cream cones and apple/cherry pies. everything else is either too many calories or over 30% fat (another rule).

 

B) getting rid of television - we discovered that mostly it made us want things we didn't need, and set up false expectations about how "happy" or "real" people lived.

 

c) re heat. we bought a programmable thermostat. i worked it down a degree at a time at night, and made sure it was on its way back up just before we woke up. i turned it down when we left the house each time. then i worked it down in the daytime. we have ended up at 66 during the day, and 62 at night. the thermostat is set to let it go down two degrees below setting before the heat pump kicks in, so the coldest it gets at night is 60F. our ulterior motive for this one was "caring for creation".

 

but being on the same page with dh is perhaps the crucial thing. kids stop complaining when it doesn't ever work.

 

hth,

ann

[Dustybug]

I'm very mean, I think. I don't actually think it's the end of the world to have to adapt a bit. If my boys complain about the cold in the house (13 degrees C when the stove isn't lit - I light it at weekends) I just tell them to put on a sweater. If they say they would like steak, for example, I say that steak is a treat that we can appreciate all the more for having it seldom.

 

Husband doesn't complain - he's not bringing money into the house at the moment, so he's happy to help us trim our budget.

 

ETA: I went away from the computer and found I had a song running through my head: 'You can't always get what you want.....'

 

Best of luck

 

Laura

 

 

I'm mean too. :p I don't tolerate unnecessary "I wants" well.

 

 

 

At those ages, they don't even know what they supposedly are lacking! (unless TV rules the roost, perhaps)

 

 

I agree. My children are 7, 5, and 2. They don't really know what they are talking about when/if they complain about something like that. I just remind

 

it's probably mostly dh. he will say things like "i don't want them looking back thinking....blahblahblah". nobody cares that we do cloth napkins for example, but if we go "the city" for anything, they feel deprived if we don't get happy meals. or dh really wants dunkin donuts coffee. i get a kick out of my oldest saying to me, "and don't say 'you'll survive'" which is what i say when they act like it's impossible to NOT go thru the drivethru.

dh is totally on board with our financial goals but he doesn't see how randomly eating out could affect that.

 

 

I get this. My DH and I both grew up dirt poor and we BOTH sometimes think this way. However, we also realize that what we are doing now is in the best interest of our children, so we try to keep it at bay as much as possible.

 

Whats great about having kids these ages is that you can guide them into contentment....They really will be pleased with very little especially if they see mom and dad content with very little. It's much harder when they have come to expect things to be a certain way for years and you have to cut back.

 

I agree with PP's about TV and media exposure. Also, finding friends who value frugality helps a lot. It's hard to feel content when all of your friends have cool gadgets and are taking expensive trips, etc.

 

Train your kids now in the art of consignment/yard sale shopping. Point out "Hey cool! That toy we found at the yard sale for 2 bucks is like 12 at the store! Now that's 10 dollars that we didn't have to spend."

 

Also giving your kids some pocket money helps them understand the reality of buying things gently used or saving for a larger purchase.

 

Putting on some socks or a sweatshirt is not going to kill them, Remember that it is not your job as a parent to make sure that they are never unhappy or seldom have a complaint. It is your job to provide for their needs and a few of their wants. Teach them NOW how to live within the budget and they will leave home well-prepared for the future.

 

As far as groceries, I slowly began cutting out snacks. I made sure that I always had a supply of home made cookies and I saved store bought items for special treats. As long as the food is tasty and filling, no one really complained about it.

 

 

 

I agree.

 

well, they would gladly go to walmart daily to buy a new lego set. i would love to see them content with the 60 thousand pieces they have. they're not begging to go, but i don't really feel that they truly appreciate and understand the magnitude of what they have. i grew up with my dad saying "for Christmas, i was lucky to get an orange, a piece of chocolate, and a nickel" i think he may have been repeating what was told to him as a child! but as much as it annoyed me as a kid, i find myself wanting to say it now. i just want content appreciative kids.

 

again, it's more of feeling like i'm depriving dh really than the kids.

 

 

Then stop feeding the monster. lol I went through and eliminated about 75% of my children's toys because of this. It made them appreciate what they did have more AND it seemed they were less overwhelmed with cleaning their room as well.

 

 

My dh had that for a while. Finally, I had to just break it down for him, like this: No, you don't. You deserve what you can afford.

 

 

Truth here. I had to do this to my DH once as well.

[LMA]

I grew up in a family that was over frugal. No extra spending at the gas station was one of my mother's things. I can say she was never content because she always thought we could save somewhere else.

 

Contentment runs both ways - with not having material things but also with the amount of money being saved.

[Spryte]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

things we found helped us:

a) having ulterior motives. (eg. we don't eat fast food because we want to be healthy, not because it is a waste of money. we found once we became accustomed to cooking from scratch, and came to enjoy the taste of truly good food, it became more and more difficult to eat out and enjoy it.) for things like eating out after activities, i would make a statement like, "we can eat at the zoo, or we can pack a picnic lunch and all get snow cones. which would you like?" and then i'd let them choose. if they chose eating over snow cones, i would suggest something else the next time until i discovered their "currency". this helped wean us off the expectation that we would always eat out when we were out, and had the added benefit of them feeling as if they had a say in how we spent money.... and that there were other than yes/no choices. we also had a house rule that we would never order anything that was over our desired calorie intake for that meal.... which pretty much elimates happy meals, etc, etc. at mcdonalds we can eat yoghurt parfaits, ice cream cones and apple/cherry pies. everything else is either too many calories or over 30% fat (another rule).

 

B) getting rid of television - we discovered that mostly it made us want things we didn't need, and set up false expectations about how "happy" or "real" people lived.

 

c) re heat. we bought a programmable thermostat. i worked it down a degree at a time at night, and made sure it was on its way back up just before we woke up. i turned it down when we left the house each time. then i worked it down in the daytime. we have ended up at 66 during the day, and 62 at night. the thermostat is set to let it go down two degrees below setting before the heat pump kicks in, so the coldest it gets at night is 60F. our ulterior motive for this one was "caring for creation".

 

but being on the same page with dh is perhaps the crucial thing. kids stop complaining when it doesn't ever work.

 

hth,

ann

 

Yes! Ulterior motives work here, too.

 

DS has watched documentaries on food with us (most recently Hungry for Change), and that gets him thinking about food differently. Right now he is really turned off by processed sugar and high fructose corn syrup. He just turned 9, so he might be a bit older than your kids, but don't underestimate the power you give your kids by teaching them about healthy food choices.

 

Earth Day is coming up soonish... put some emphasis on living greener (less packaging, etc)... get the kids involved in that. Less waste from the convenience store. Using reusable water bottles, bento boxes for car snacks, all of that stuff is fun, but better for the environment, too.

 

Thinking about the ulterior motives was so important for our family, when we made big changes. We actually became a one car family - not for financial reasons, but for green reasons. Though we do save quite a bit each month, even when we need to rent an extra car once in a while - the overall savings is pretty hefty.

 

Maybe you can find the ulterior motives that motivate your family, and take the focus off of frugality.

[Spryte]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

things we found helped us:

a) having ulterior motives. (eg. we don't eat fast food because we want to be healthy, not because it is a waste of money. we found once we became accustomed to cooking from scratch, and came to enjoy the taste of truly good food, it became more and more difficult to eat out and enjoy it.) for things like eating out after activities, i would make a statement like, "we can eat at the zoo, or we can pack a picnic lunch and all get snow cones. which would you like?" and then i'd let them choose. if they chose eating over snow cones, i would suggest something else the next time until i discovered their "currency". this helped wean us off the expectation that we would always eat out when we were out, and had the added benefit of them feeling as if they had a say in how we spent money.... and that there were other than yes/no choices. we also had a house rule that we would never order anything that was over our desired calorie intake for that meal.... which pretty much elimates happy meals, etc, etc. at mcdonalds we can eat yoghurt parfaits, ice cream cones and apple/cherry pies. everything else is either too many calories or over 30% fat (another rule).

 

B) getting rid of television - we discovered that mostly it made us want things we didn't need, and set up false expectations about how "happy" or "real" people lived.

 

c) re heat. we bought a programmable thermostat. i worked it down a degree at a time at night, and made sure it was on its way back up just before we woke up. i turned it down when we left the house each time. then i worked it down in the daytime. we have ended up at 66 during the day, and 62 at night. the thermostat is set to let it go down two degrees below setting before the heat pump kicks in, so the coldest it gets at night is 60F. our ulterior motive for this one was "caring for creation".

 

but being on the same page with dh is perhaps the crucial thing. kids stop complaining when it doesn't ever work.

 

hth,

ann

 

Yes! Ulterior motives work here, too.

 

DS has watched documentaries on food with us (most recently Hungry for Change), and that gets him thinking about food differently. Right now he is really turned off by processed sugar and high fructose corn syrup. He just turned 9, so he might be a bit older than your kids, but don't underestimate the power you give your kids by teaching them about healthy food choices.

 

Earth Day is coming up soonish... put some emphasis on living greener (less packaging, etc)... get the kids involved in that. Less waste from the convenience store. Using reusable water bottles, bento boxes for car snacks, all of that stuff is fun, but better for the environment, too.

 

Thinking about the ulterior motives was so important for our family, when we made big changes. We actually became a one car family - not for financial reasons, but for green reasons. Though we do save quite a bit each month, even when we need to rent an extra car once in a while - the overall savings is pretty hefty.

 

Maybe you can find the ulterior motives that motivate your family, and take the focus off of frugality.

[Audrey]

any tips? i'm trying to save as much as possible, and for me it's pretty easy. for my children and dh, on the other hand, it feels confining and like they're "missing out" on something. i don't want to set up a false situation of them thinking we have it all when we don't, but i also don't want them feeling like i'm depriving them. what are ways i could sneak in some frugality in all areas of our life without it having the outward feelings of frugality? does that make sense? all tips welcome!

 

 

That's kind of vague. Deprived in what way? Since I'm not sure what you mean exactly, I would suggest that if you're cutting back expenses in order to save, that you look for free alternatives to add to and/or replace the areas you are cutting back.

 

For example, if you usually take a family vacation, plan a stay-cation and look for inexpensive/free activities. If you are cutting your grocery budget down to bare bones, look for good, creative, innovative recipes that make meals more interesting/healthy/tasty. If you are cutting out media (tv/internet/cable/etc.), look for free or cheap activities to replace that time you'd spend doing those things -- libraries, thrift store games, outdoor activities, community events, etc.

[stripe]

The bolded is your main problem. The choice of wording of your DH "letting you" purchase groceries in whatever way indicates to me that you need to sit down and talk about finances together and make a plan together.

 

I agree. I don't really understand why one party is "not allowed" to buy bulk foods and the other is off buying stuff at the gas station.

 

Also I buy snack stuff cheaply at the grocery store and take it with me or keep it in the car for hungry emergencies. My husband likes the occasional soda, but he tends to buy a 6 pack and keep it around for when the mood strikes. I think keeping prepared (by you) or otherwise ready-to-go food will help some of this, but only if you are both seeing from the same perspective. I also think the occasional bag of chips or soda is not really the problem. The husband is right that cooking from scratch is time consuming.

[jhschool]

We rarely go out to eat. We buy food that can be fun, though, for an occasional treat. And - if you buy good frozen pizzas you won't feel tempted to order out.

 

What brand pizza do you buy? I've had bad experiences and would love suggestions.

When I buy cheap frozen pizza then I feel very deprived. What are good frozen pizzas?

:)

But when I order it out I feel ripped off ($38 last time although it did last two days).

[skimomma]

I gotta laugh at the 72 degree thing. I don't think our furnace is even capable of that in our very old house is our very cold climate. And the bill would probably kill me. We heat 50 at night and 60 in the day. It feels very warm compared to -20 outside:) And my 9 yo runs around the house barefoot year round. So that is one answer.....acclimation:)

[beaners]

 

yeah, i think i heard that almost word for word a month or so ago.

 

i found nutter butters at sharp shopper (probably our equivalent to aldi?)...50 packs for $8. i'm willing to buy this crap. but seriously, i think it's the act of making the convenience store purchase that is satisfying. i'll talk myself out of a pack of gum. so i just can't get on board with it.

 

If this is the same Sharp Shopper I'm thinking of, yeah, you should be able to get a ton of cheap snacks to have in the car or whatever. It won't make them any healthier, and it won't fix the "thrill" of buying something, but it would definitely be cheaper if everyone was on board.

 

One thing I try to do if we're out and eating food from home, is to find a new playground or park to have a picnic at. This works for us because we're usually doing errands a ways from home for appointments. My kids ask to have picnics all the time, and the "specialness" of a picnic outshines the fact that I brought the food from home.

[6packofun]

One thing that has really helped us has been to CUT DOWN on variety. Our kids really have been spoiled--not because we have lots of money, but because I felt bad if we had to eat the same things over and over. Well, too bad. LOL

 

One way to help with this, though, is to allow each kid to pick ONE thing that they want to snack on for the week. Everyone gets to pick one item, I buy enough of those few choices to last the week and THAT is all they get to choose from--along with apples and carrot sticks. lol

 

Same goes with meal planning. I can meal plan pretty well around the sale flyers, but we've also cut down on having so many different meals! We've found a few favorites and eat each of those 3-4 times a month. Fill in with other cheap and easy meals. Done. I do like to cook and so that's hard sometimes for ME, but I still get to make a couple new recipes per month.

 

Also, this is an upfront expense, but have a well-stocked pantry, especially with herbs, spices, vinegars, etc. I can whip up several quick and yummy chicken meals just from different combinations of what I have on hand. Also, make a big batch of rice (rice cooker OR baked) and use it in 3 meals or so that week. Asian, chicken and veggies, whatever. You've already got the carb/starch portion of your meal and it's cheap.

 

(Sorry if these are too simplistic. We do not have a lot of extra money and so food, unfortunately, has to be where we make the major cuts lately! Also, saving on gas by not going so many places...but we own a lot of games and try to make life fun.)

[jackson'smama]

I agree. I don't really understand why one party is "not allowed" to buy bulk foods and the other is off buying stuff at the gas station.

 

Also I buy snack stuff cheaply at the grocery store and take it with me or keep it in the car for hungry emergencies. My husband likes the occasional soda, but he tends to buy a 6 pack and keep it around for when the mood strikes. I think keeping prepared (by you) or otherwise ready-to-go food will help some of this, but only if you are both seeing from the same perspective. I also think the occasional bag of chips or soda is not really the problem. The husband is right that cooking from scratch is time consuming.

 

 

ok, improper choice of words. what i mean is that i offer to buy "in bulk" i.e. 6 pack of pepsi or box of candy bars. but he'll still buy out. OR he'll say, "no, don't get it. i need to stop". but then he goes to work and does it anyway.

so i'm "allowed" to buy whatever i want...it's just that he doesn't take advantage of me buying in bulk to feed his habit.

[jackson'smama]

One thing that has really helped us has been to CUT DOWN on variety. Our kids really have been spoiled--not because we have lots of money, but because I felt bad if we had to eat the same things over and over. Well, too bad. LOL

 

One way to help with this, though, is to allow each kid to pick ONE thing that they want to snack on for the week. Everyone gets to pick one item, I buy enough of those few choices to last the week and THAT is all they get to choose from--along with apples and carrot sticks. lol

 

Same goes with meal planning. I can meal plan pretty well around the sale flyers, but we've also cut down on having so many different meals! We've found a few favorites and eat each of those 3-4 times a month. Fill in with other cheap and easy meals. Done. I do like to cook and so that's hard sometimes for ME, but I still get to make a couple new recipes per month.

 

Also, this is an upfront expense, but have a well-stocked pantry, especially with herbs, spices, vinegars, etc. I can whip up several quick and yummy chicken meals just from different combinations of what I have on hand. Also, make a big batch of rice (rice cooker OR baked) and use it in 3 meals or so that week. Asian, chicken and veggies, whatever. You've already got the carb/starch portion of your meal and it's cheap.

 

(Sorry if these are too simplistic. We do not have a lot of extra money and so food, unfortunately, has to be where we make the major cuts lately! Also, saving on gas by not going so many places...but we own a lot of games and try to make life fun.)

 

 

no, not too simplistic. it's exactly what i'm looking for!

[stripe]

ok, improper choice of words. what i mean is that i offer to buy "in bulk" i.e. 6 pack of pepsi or box of candy bars. but he'll still buy out. OR he'll say, "no, don't get it. i need to stop". but then he goes to work and does it anyway.

so i'm "allowed" to buy whatever i want...it's just that he doesn't take advantage of me buying in bulk to feed his habit.

 

Aha! I had a totally different concept of buying "bulk foods." I thought you meant he wouldn't let you by rice/bulgur/carob chips by the scoop.

 

As much as this is a concern, I think it would be less stressful to have more food ready for home consumption, keep some snacks around, and not sweat the occasional soda or bag of chips. If you have real financial problems, they just really won't be saved by switching to generic toothpaste and orange juice. You will need to address much larger things like health care costs, housing costs, and your vehicle.

 

As to not feeling deprived, I think everyone needs to be eating decently. Eating the same thing day in and day out will make people feel deprived.