jujsky Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: No advice. I'm thinking good thoughts for you and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pdalley Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: No advice here either but hugs and prayers. I am so sorry you are going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 Praying for you today, Julie. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 But keep in mind that anything written here can likewise be printed up and used in court. Sometimes an old-fashioned journal is the way to go. Hugs all around! That's an excellent point -- and I'd completely forgotten about it! Thanks for mentioning it. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: No advice, but I've been following your situation and am thinking of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 Julie, I've been taking a break, but I had to come on here long enough to tell you I have been, and will continue to pray for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted December 31, 2012 Author Share Posted December 31, 2012 Would have been 25 years in July. I really, really wanted the 25 year anniversary. Not sure how things could go along so well for 25 years and then be over so (comparatively) quickly. The people I do tell are incredulous, and they all ask me if I'm sure, or if there could be some mistake. Would still rather be dead than do this, but I know I have no choice. It would be sooo easy to ignore what bil told me, and accept the comfort & begging apologies dh is offering. Much easier than doing this. :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 Would have been 25 years in July. I really, really wanted the 25 year anniversary. Not sure how things could go along so well for 25 years and then be over so (comparatively) quickly. The people I do tell are incredulous, and they all ask me if I'm sure, or if there could be some mistake. Would still rather be dead than do this, but I know I have no choice. It would be sooo easy to ignore what bil told me, and accept the comfort & begging apologies dh is offering. Much easier than doing this. :crying: I know. I was married 25 years when I found out. I was proud of being married so long.....would have done almost anything to hold it together. Almost. He just pushed me a little too far. Julie there is very little that can compare to the pain of this kind of betrayal. So you now know just how tough you are. You can do it. And I promise you the day will come when the pain eases and that thick fog begins to clear. (((( Julie)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kfamily Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 I'm so sorry, Julie. You are in my thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 Would have been 25 years in July. I really, really wanted the 25 year anniversary. Not sure how things could go along so well for 25 years and then be over so (comparatively) quickly. The people I do tell are incredulous, and they all ask me if I'm sure, or if there could be some mistake. Would still rather be dead than do this, but I know I have no choice. It would be sooo easy to ignore what bil told me, and accept the comfort & begging apologies dh is offering. Much easier than doing this. :crying: :grouphug: I'm sorry sorry, you're going through this, but please talk to professional as soon as possible. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted December 31, 2012 Author Share Posted December 31, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry sorry, you're going through this, but please talk to professional as soon as possible. :grouphug: Thank you for worrying about me, but I promise you, I have no plans to harm myself or anyone else. There's definitely a difference between wishing you were dead, and actually planning to do anything about it. And if it reassures you to know, I am also seeing a professional, so no worries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 I'm so sorry :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Thank you for worrying about me, but I promise you, I have no plans to harm myself or anyone else. There's definitely a difference between wishing you were dead, and actually planning to do anything about it. And if it reassures you to know, I am also seeing a professional, so no worries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 … So you now know just how tough you are. You can do it. And I promise you the day will come when the pain eases and that thick fog begins to clear. (((( Julie)))) :iagree: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 I'm so sorry, Julie. I know how painful this is, and can only imagine how much worse it is after you've been together almost 25 years. :grouphug: You've received some great advice above. Some additional thoughts on what might help: - Physically "let go" of your marriage as much as possible. Removing things from your space that remind you of him can really help you begin releasing your marriage emotionally and mentally. Mementos, pictures, etc. all act like anchors that keep you from moving forward. You will have enough reminders of your marriage and your DH as it is - clearing out as much as possible will help. - Create a goal for yourself - something that will help you in some way, as well as function as a distraction. When I was going through my divorce, I set some goals for myself to get into better shape as well as find a new job. Not only did they help me better my situation, but they provided some much-needed distraction to help me get through that very difficult time. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 Praying for you today, Julie. Saw your update, and am so sorry, every day, for your pain. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 Thank you for worrying about me, but I promise you, I have no plans to harm myself or anyone else. There's definitely a difference between wishing you were dead, and actually planning to do anything about it. And if it reassures you to know, I am also seeing a professional, so no worries. I am glad you are seeing a professional...but just wanted to say that I understand that wishing I was dead feeling. It is very different from being suicidal. I just wished the earth would swallow me up and I could disappear. I had a friend recently describe it the exact same way. Good suggestions above about clearing out the space. I threw away all the sheets I had slept on with him! Then I went to the store and saw how expensesive sheets are! I called my mom and said, um mom, I got no sheets. She laughed and laughed and brought me a couple of her sets over. I took all the clothes and stuff that belonged to him and boxed it up in the garage. That was very helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommybee Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 I am glad you are seeing a professional...but just wanted to say that I understand that wishing I was dead feeling. It is very different from being suicidal. I just wished the earth would swallow me up and I could disappear. I had a friend recently describe it the exact same way. Good suggestions above about clearing out the space. I threw away all the sheets I had slept on with him! Then I went to the store and saw how expensesive sheets are! I called my mom and said, um mom, I got no sheets. She laughed and laughed and brought me a couple of her sets over. I took all the clothes and stuff that belonged to him and boxed it up in the garage. That was very helpful. I felt the same way as well. It has been so helpful to box up all his stuff. I actually removed any frames with his pictures in them from around my house and anything else that reminded me of him. I just finished reading Heartburn by Nora Ephron. It was strangely therapeutic for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 A friend of mine redecorated/rearranged after her husband left. Another friend who was a professional photographer took new pictures of the kids, and my friend put the new pictures all over the house. It helped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 Julie, I'll send you a new set of sheets. PM me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFaerie Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 I just got divorced in June, and I did a lot of these things, too. First thing I did was get rid of any and everything that was his in the bedroom and bathroom. And once all of his stuff was out of the house, I felt so much better. It kind of made the house "mine." I also make a point of noticing all the things I can do now that I couldn't do before for fear of "disturbing" him, like I can read in bed until 2 a.m. if I want to. When I can't sleep, I can turn on the TV no matter what time it is. I can fix whatever I want or don't want for dinner without having to clear it with him. I can build a fire when I want to. I can watch whatever I want on TV. I realize these probably sound like small things, but truly, it's the small things that you'll appreciate first, IMHO. And Saturday, for the first time in over 15 years, I had to put air in my car tires. I was so ridiculously proud of myself. The low tire pressure indicator light came on while I was out with the kids (we went bowling!). I pulled into a gas station, looked up the necessary tire pressure in owner's manual, and I used the little gauge thingy to check them. Then I put air in all four tires and was incredibly pleased to see the indicator light go off. Silly nothing little thing, but incredibly empowering for me. You'll have those moments, too. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will. I promise. Hang in there. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 Oh yes. I remember weeding eating for the first time. I was so proud! Of course I got a little too confident and sliced my ankle.....I still have the scars which I wear with pride. However I now ALWAYS wear jeans and full shoes when I weed eat! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 I will keep you in prayer today, I am just soooo sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 When I went through the "cleaning out" stage after splitting with my ex, I burned a "nightie" I had worn with him. It was synthetic, which I didn't consider at the time and the thing went up in a huge, oily cloud of toxic black smoke! It was embarrassing (there were other people around), horrifying (ohmygosh - I'm polluting!), and hilarious. The girlfriend I was with and I shrieked, raced around to put out the fire, and then laughed and laughed until we cried and cried and cried. It was so darn symbolic of my relationship with that man, it was just perfect. Julie - it will be a few months before you get to that stage, but believe me the day will come. You will laugh again, you will love again, life has so many wonderful things to offer you in the future. Just hang in there; it does get much, much better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 Juie, super tough crossroads right now. For me, I can remember those "together" times now (many years later) and not feel anything. Hysterically, my ex friended me on facebook. Against my better judgement, I accepted. Within 2 weeks, I unfriended him, after he posted, when the lottery was super-high, "I wonder which of my ex-wives will contact me after I win." It took all my self-discipline not to reply, "I can't speak for the second one, but there's not enough money in the world for it to be me. " :tongue_smilie: You don't know how, but it will be better. Mostly because you made something happen. Hold onto that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 When I went through the "cleaning out" stage after splitting with my ex, I burned a "nightie" I had worn with him. It was synthetic, which I didn't consider at the time and the thing went up in a huge, oily cloud of toxic black smoke! It was embarrassing (there were other people around), horrifying (ohmygosh - I'm polluting!), and hilarious. The girlfriend I was with and I shrieked, raced around to put out the fire, and then laughed and laughed until we cried and cried and cried. It was so darn symbolic of my relationship with that man, it was just perfect. Julie - it will be a few months before you get to that stage, but believe me the day will come. You will laugh again, you will love again, life has so many wonderful things to offer you in the future. Just hang in there; it does get much, much better. I was going to mention the catharsis of torching memorabilia type items too. It is cleansing for the soul. When my only other serious relationship broke us, I burnt all the pictures and gifts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted December 31, 2012 Author Share Posted December 31, 2012 I'm so sorry, Julie. I know how painful this is, and can only imagine how much worse it is after you've been together almost 25 years. :grouphug: You've received some great advice above. Some additional thoughts on what might help: - Physically "let go" of your marriage as much as possible. Removing things from your space that remind you of him can really help you begin releasing your marriage emotionally and mentally. Mementos, pictures, etc. all act like anchors that keep you from moving forward. You will have enough reminders of your marriage and your DH as it is - clearing out as much as possible will help. - Create a goal for yourself - something that will help you in some way, as well as function as a distraction. When I was going through my divorce, I set some goals for myself to get into better shape as well as find a new job. Not only did they help me better my situation, but they provided some much-needed distraction to help me get through that very difficult time. :grouphug: One more hurdle before he's gone. It should happen the day after tomorrow. After that, I'm going to start on some of these things, beginning with getting out the new tv we bought together for Christmas. I'm gonna spend lots of long nights in front of that awesome new tv, I'm sure. The remote control is going to live on "my side" of the bed, whichever side I decide that will be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 I guess Julie needs a new quilt, Scarlett. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 I guess Julie needs a new quilt, Scarlett. :) I'll be in that. How big do we make the square, and where do we send them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 I'll be in that. How big do we make the square, and where do we send them? Me too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 I can't find by searching. We'll have to wait until Scarlett comes back online, then she can go measure hers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted December 31, 2012 Author Share Posted December 31, 2012 I'm not quilt-worthy yet, folks. That hurdle I spoke of is pretty big, and pretty hard. If you are a pray-er, please hit it hard tomorrow at 5:30 p.m. CA time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 Not quilt worthy? For goodness sakes, Scarlett, show up and type out a worthy speech. Julie, I don't know what time 5.30pm CA time is, but your quilt will have been started because I already have an idea for my patch, and I will have pulled down my altar to get to my quilt fabric in five minutes time. I'm afraid that's the closest you'll get to a prayer out of me. :p :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 When we start making patches, I am SOOO there. (And I hate sewing, so you know I love you, Julie.) I will definitely be praying for you tomorrow at 7:30 my time. (((((:grouphug:))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 One more hurdle before he's gone. It should happen the day after tomorrow. After that, I'm going to start on some of these things, beginning with getting out the new tv we bought together for Christmas. I'm gonna spend lots of long nights in front of that awesome new tv, I'm sure. The remote control is going to live on "my side" of the bed, whichever side I decide that will be. You get the WHOLE bed!!!!!!! :hurray: And ALL the covers!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 Oh my the quilt idea is such a good idea. I will gladly be the coordinator like Mariann did for mine. I am not sure what you mean that you are not quilt worthy. But what a blessing it was to me to have so many of my friends help me through that time in that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 Oops double post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted January 1, 2013 Author Share Posted January 1, 2013 I am not sure what you mean that you are not quilt worthy. There is only one possible thing that would allow dh one more slim chance, and that will either happen at 5:30 tomorrow evening, or it won't. I can't say more than that, but my expectation is that he will no longer be here on Wed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFaerie Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 You get the WHOLE bed!!!!!!! :hurray: And ALL the covers!!!!!! AND you get to have the electric blanket set as high or as low as you want it... AND you can have as many or as few blankets on the bed as you want! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 There is only one possible thing that would allow dh one more slim chance, and that will either happen at 5:30 tomorrow evening, or it won't. I can't say more than that, but my expectation is that he will no longer be here on Wed. I hope you get the Truth and I hope you get clarity on what you need to do. I know marriages can survive this but only with full disclosure . I would love for your marriage to be saved but not at the cost of you. You are valuable. Remember that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 Size, Scarlett? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 Praying, Julie, and remember I am in CA also. If you want to talk, PM me your phone number. I am so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dtsmamtj Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 I hope you get the Truth and I hope you get clarity on what you need to do. I know marriages can survive this but only with full disclosure . I would love for your marriage to be saved but not at the cost of you. You are valuable. Remember that. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 I hope you get the Truth and I hope you get clarity on what you need to do. I know marriages can survive this but only with full disclosure . I would love for your marriage to be saved but not at the cost of you. You are valuable. Remember that. :iagree: :iagree: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellers Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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