Leaving, but not gone yet, and panic attacks...

[Julie in CA]

Okay, so I've told him to leave. He's at work right now, but will be leaving today or tomorrow.

 

He's not even gone yet, and I'm so lonely & bereft that I'm having what are probably panic attacks, and I feel like I'd rather die than do this (no, I'm not a real danger to myself).

 

How the h3ll am I going to get through the next 10 minutes, much less the next few days, weeks, months, etc....?

 

There's gotta be a better response than vomiting and just deciding it's not worth it to breathe any more.

[Laura Corin]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

Laura

[Dana]

:grouphug:

 

Don't try to get through the next 10 minutes.

Get through the next minute.

:grouphug:

And after being sure it is okay with your lawyer (get one), you can talk with your doctor and get something to help with the panic (Xanax works nicely for me but does nothing for dh).

 

And :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Robin M]

:grouphug: Don't think about next week or next month. Just hold on to now and breath. You'll get through it.

[Remudamom]

My sisters got through this because they knew their children needed them to get through it. I think they especially wanted their dds to see that they would not be treated the way their husbands were treating them.

 

I can't imagine. Stay strong for your kids. Especially the girls.

[nono]

Some day, you will look back at this point and marvel at how much patience you had at this time. It gets better in spurts...

[Corraleno]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm so, so very sorry, Julie. You do not deserve this. :sad:

Jackie

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

I know that doesn't help. Oh Julie, I'll be in prayer for you.

[oneddmanybooks]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I have been praying for you and will continue to do so.

 

(I don't know if a personal story helps or not. Feel free to skip this if you want. My dad abandoned our family when we kids were 5, 7 and 9 years old. My mom grew up in a very sheltered environment and I'm sure was completely unprepared for what happened. She made it. We kids made it. You will make it!!!).

 

Many hugs and prayers,

[Random]

I don't know what to say...but I've heard it gets easier with time.

 

Stay strong for your children. You will make it through this.

 

:grouphug:

[DragonFaerie]

You get through one minute. And then you get through the next minute. You remember that your children love you and need you, and you must be strong for them. And then you get through the next minute. And before you know it, you've made it through ten minutes. And then it will be an hour. You will get through a whole day, and then another. You can do it. We're all here for you. :grouphug:

[Mergath]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

Oh Julie. :( I am so sorry. I KNOW this is hard. But as said already you have to do it for yourself and for your children. Being alone is MUCH better than being with someone who treats you poorly. And you have been treated very poorly. It WILL get better. You must trust me on this.

[Scarlett]

Do your kids know what is going on? Do you have IRL support?

[saraha]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[justamouse]

Hugs to you, Julie. I'm so sorry.

[Twigs]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Susan in TN]

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

(Christopher Robin to Pooh)

 

:grouphug:

[KrissiK]

Oh Julie. Many hugs. I am praying for you right now. You will make it through this.

[Alte Veste Academy]

((((((((((((((((Julie))))))))))))))))

[CyndiLJ]

I love the perspective that you MUST make sure your daughters know that it is not right to allow themselves to be treated as you are being treated. What you model for them is uber important and will very often establish how they respond to men in the future. I can't begin to understand all you are going through, but I applaud your courage in the face of the unknowable future. Keep posting if you have no support IRL. Though I don't know you nor do I know your background as posted here on the Hive, I have followed your recent posts and am praying regularly for you.

[Rosie_0801]

A bit of anger helps.

[*********]

Father God, i come to you to beg your love be poured out on Julie. Lord let her feel you in a very real way tonight. Give her your peace which passes understanding. Give her comfort, Lord, as only you can. Keep her strong for her children. Give her strength, courage, and discernment. I pray your blessings on our dear sister Julie. Help her feel the support of her fellow sisters. In Jesus' name, Amen.

 

Julie, I continue to hold you before the throne. Please know that no matter how lonely you feel, you are NOT alone.

 

:grouphug:

[texasmama]

My heart goes out to you. I understand. It will get better. I will pray for you. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

Aw, Julie, I'm so sorry it hurts so badly. I have been praying for you all along, and will not stop. :grouphug:

[Halftime Hope]

At one point in my life the only thing that got me through was literally my asking God to keep me from drowning in the grief. He did.

 

Julie, if this point is beyond your ability to pray, know that we are praying for you. With all our hearts. {{{Julie}}}

[annandatje]

Julie, I am sorry that your husband was so self-absorbed that he was unable to recognize what a treasure he had in you. I'll be thinking about you and your children.

[Melissa in Australia]

You are constantly in my thoughts.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

Is their any way you can keep really really busy doing something very physical?

[Impish]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Audrey]

My sisters got through this because they knew their children needed them to get through it. I think they especially wanted their dds to see that they would not be treated the way their husbands were treating them.

 

I can't imagine. Stay strong for your kids. Especially the girls.

 

 

 

This.

 

Hold on to the fact that you are teaching your daughters AND sons that men CANNOT treat their wives that way. It may be the most important lesson you ever teach them.

 

This I know is true.

[Parrothead]

Aw, Sweetie! I'm so sorry.

[Stacia]

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. (Christopher Robin to Pooh) :grouphug:

AND

A bit of anger helps.

 

:iagree: with both of these. :grouphug: :grouphug: and hang in there.

[Catwoman]

Don't be sad.

 

Be MAD.

 

Don't be bereft. Don't panic.

 

Put the blame squarely where it belongs -- on your dh.

 

And whenever you feel sad and lonely, remember exactly who made you that way. Your idiot husband. NOT YOU. Him. He blew it. He did awful, rotten things, and you have every right to be incredibly, horribly angry with him.

 

When you let yourself be sad and lonely and scared, he wins. Don't let him win, Julie. You deserve better. When you are feeling awful, get angry instead. Think of the terrible things he did. Think of how hard this is on your kids. And remember that it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Then, go give your kids a bunch of hugs and kisses and play a game with them or watch a funny movie or tv show.

 

Post whenever you need to, Julie. We're here for you.

[Heatherwith4]

Praying, Julie. :grouphug:

[Truscifi]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[mommaduck]

:grouphug:

[Cinder]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Elizabeth in MN]

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got about single motherhood was given to me before I was a single mother. It's this "nervous breakdowns happen, and then they are over". You will learn that when you hit a wall or the end of your rope that you can in fact keep going. The wall will break, and it's just a short drop to the floor from the rope. A baseball bat and beating the bed helps a lot, too. Kids will believe you when you say you're just getting the dust out of the bed. The best thing I did was have an online journal where I could just go and type out everything I was feeling. It was locked down so that only the people I wanted to could see it, and even then I could make posts that were only for my eyes. Sometimes I would just sit down and type whatever was eating me alive in my head and let the tears poor. I couldn't see the computer for the tears, but I could still type.

 

This is, in fact, a death you are grieving. It's many deaths all wrapped up in a horrible package you never thought you'd be given. It's the death of your marriage, the death of the dream of providing a two-parent home for your children, it's the death of having a partner for life, it is so many deaths. Understand that you are grieving and give yourself the space to do so.

 

One time I was crying after a nasty-gram from my then husband. My step-mother found me and I cried and she patted my hand. I blurted out "I don't want to drink from this cup!" She's a Lutheran pastor so she knew what I was saying. I told her I felt horrible for thinking that, for daring to likening my pain to that of Christ before his murder. She said she had thought the exact same thing. Many of us do. No one ever intends to be a single mother, and for many of us it is our worse nightmare made flesh. But you WILL survive, and things WILL be better. You WILL make it, second by second, minute by minutes, day by day.

[*Inna*]

I'm so sorry, Julie. Thinking and praying for you. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Desert Rat]

My heart just hearts for you.

Don't try for 10 minutes. Try for a minute. When you can't get a minute, do one breath. One breath. You can do this.

I take Valerian Root for panic attacks. It's a natural sleep aid I get at Walmart. I take 2-3 when I'm feeling particularly stressed. It helps take the edge off. Until you know how you react, make sure you don't have to be anywhere.

My dad always said, "When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and swing a bit." Swing, Julie. Just hang tight. Big giant hugs.

[tex-mex]

I've been wondering how you are doing, Julie. No answers for you, my friend... just hugs. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[WiseOwlKnits]

Learn to knit.

 

1) It can be meditative.

2) It's theraputic - whatever mistake you make can be ripped out and done again, as many times as it takes to make it perfect.

3) It takes concentration when you're learning (and afterward, depending on the pattern you use).

4) At the end you have something beautiful. You can literally make something beautiful out of this dark, chaotic, depressing time.

5) There are people who say a prayer as they do a stitch or a row and "imbue" their knitting with those prayers. There are simple shawl patterns you could do and then as you wrap yourself in it, you can surround yourself with those prayers or statements.

 

And :grouphug: You will get through this.

[mommybee]

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got about single motherhood was given to me before I was a single mother. It's this "nervous breakdowns happen, and then they are over". You will learn that when you hit a wall or the end of your rope that you can in fact keep going. The wall will break, and it's just a short drop to the floor from the rope. A baseball bat and beating the bed helps a lot, too. Kids will believe you when you say you're just getting the dust out of the bed. The best thing I did was have an online journal where I could just go and type out everything I was feeling. It was locked down so that only the people I wanted to could see it, and even then I could make posts that were only for my eyes. Sometimes I would just sit down and type whatever was eating me alive in my head and let the tears poor. I couldn't see the computer for the tears, but I could still type.

 

This is, in fact, a death you are grieving. It's many deaths all wrapped up in a horrible package you never thought you'd be given. It's the death of your marriage, the death of the dream of providing a two-parent home for your children, it's the death of having a partner for life, it is so many deaths. Understand that you are grieving and give yourself the space to do so.

 

One time I was crying after a nasty-gram from my then husband. My step-mother found me and I cried and she patted my hand. I blurted out "I don't want to drink from this cup!" She's a Lutheran pastor so she knew what I was saying. I told her I felt horrible for thinking that, for daring to likening my pain to that of Christ before his murder. She said she had thought the exact same thing. Many of us do. No one ever intends to be a single mother, and for many of us it is our worse nightmare made flesh. But you WILL survive, and things WILL be better. You WILL make it, second by second, minute by minutes, day by day.

 

Elizabeth this was awesome! This is just how I'm feeling right now. It's only been 2 months for me and I don't have anyone to ask for help.

 

Julie I'm so sorry for you. :grouphug: I have been reading all of these posts and trying to apply them to myself as well.

 

One big mistake I keep making is instead of doing like Elizabeth says and writing out my painful feelings and things I just can't get out of my head, I keep texting or emailing them to him. It's a painful and vicious cycle that is keeping me from healing and moving on. No contact is absolutely the best and I am beating myself up over the fact that I keep contacting him. I don't know what I'm looking for but I'm not getting any peace.

 

I am praying for you. Just don't make that same mistake I keep making.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Elizabeth this was awesome! This is just how I'm feeling right now. It's only been 2 months for me and I don't have anyone to ask for help.

 

Julie I'm so sorry for you. :grouphug: I have been reading all of these posts and trying to apply them to myself as well.

 

One big mistake I keep making is instead of doing like Elizabeth says and writing out my painful feelings and things I just can't get out of my head, I keep texting or emailing them to him. It's a painful and vicious cycle that is keeping me from healing and moving on. No contact is absolutely the best and I am beating myself up over the fact that I keep contacting him. I don't know what I'm looking for but I'm not getting any peace.

 

I am praying for you. Just don't make that same mistake I keep making.

 

Another thing that was good for me about the journal was that I could say all the horrible things I wanted to. This way I didn't have to fear saying them to our daughter, and having my emotions impact her relationship with her father. His sins were mostly against me, and I needed them to stay that way.

[Mrs Mungo]

Sending you love and prayers. I hate that you are going through this. I hate that anyone ever has to go through this.

[Catwoman]

 

 

Elizabeth this was awesome! This is just how I'm feeling right now. It's only been 2 months for me and I don't have anyone to ask for help.

 

Julie I'm so sorry for you. :grouphug: I have been reading all of these posts and trying to apply them to myself as well.

 

One big mistake I keep making is instead of doing like Elizabeth says and writing out my painful feelings and things I just can't get out of my head, I keep texting or emailing them to him. It's a painful and vicious cycle that is keeping me from healing and moving on. No contact is absolutely the best and I am beating myself up over the fact that I keep contacting him. I don't know what I'm looking for but I'm not getting any peace.

 

I am praying for you. Just don't make that same mistake I keep making.

 

Shannon, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time.

 

Please, please, please do not text or email your ex. Remember that anything you put in writing is there forever and can possibly be used against you in the future, whether on a personal level or in front of a judge in court. Hopefully, nothing you have sent could ever come back to bite you, but please don't take any chances.

 

And if you need to vent, please start threads here and do just that. If you need hugs, just ask. If you need prayers, we will be here for you. Don't try to be a hero. You don't need to go through this all alone and you don't need to hold your feelings inside. Just don't share them all with your ex. :grouphug:

[Crimson Wife]

Praying for you and your family. I hope everything works out for the best in the long run :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

I promise, eventually there will be a minute when you don't think about it, and things feel normal for just one minute. Then five minutes. Then an hour, and a day, and a week, until you come to a time when you realize you're able to breathe again. It may seem unimaginable right now, but it's there waiting for you. This depth of grief and pain won't last forever. Keep breathing. Be kind to yourself. Ask for help when you need it, and just do the next thing.

 

:grouphug: You can do this. One foot in front of the other, one breath at a time.

 

Cat

[sassenach]

Shannon, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time.

 

Please, please, please do not text or email your ex. Remember that anything you put in writing is there forever and can possibly be used against you in the future, whether on a personal level or in front of a judge in court. Hopefully, nothing you have sent could ever come back to bite you, but please don't take any chances.

 

And if you need to vent, please start threads here and do just that. If you need hugs, just ask. If you need prayers, we will be here for you. Don't try to be a hero. You don't need to go through this all alone and you don't need to hold your feelings inside. Just don't share them all with your ex. :grouphug:

 

But keep in mind that anything written here can likewise be printed up and used in court. Sometimes an old-fashioned journal is the way to go. Hugs all around!

[Night Elf]

More :grouphug: . This is a stressful time. I sincerely hope you have support IRL. If so, use it. Don't try to do this on your own if you don't have to. When I separated from my first husband, it was mostly amicable but was still dreadfully stressful. You do have a purpose right now. You're your children's IRL support. Play with them, be with them. They'll appreciate your attention so try to keep that in mind. Hopefully you have some IRL support. If not, talk here. Don't try to share your feelings with your kids. They are going through their own right now. Spending time with them can help you remember you are worth so very much, even if you feel like you're drowning right now. :grouphug: