I'm seriously losing my mind....

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm gonna become dehydrated crying so much, I swear....

 

The people (fictive kin) from out of state are coming to visit Monkey this week. Court is a few weeks out.

 

I just can't protect her from what everyone has decided to do even though it isn't in her best interest

which I'm sure anyone could recognize if they would just stop and think for 3 seconds straight.

It would be awful to bounce her around so much if it needed to be done. But it doesn't NEED to be done.

She *has* a home she is adored in and a family she loves. She doesn't need a 5th home in 18months!

 

And my heart is breaking. For her. And honestly, for me too. She is my daughter. I love her more than anyone could. She belongs here. This is her home. This is her family. Just ask her!

 

I have things in the works to fight this; but really, I'm losing hope. Now I'm down to hoping that she'll not end up horrendously hurt. I wish I felt that was a probability.

 

But I can't stop the heartbreak, the crushed feelings, the pain, the crying (full out and inside). Every time I look at her, I'm just in awe and fall deeper in love which I'm constantly amazed is even possible. She's just....wow. And mine (ask her!).

 

I just have never disagreed with a plan before, much less so vehemently. I am not one who hopes each kid is my forever kid. If it were about only me, I'd bawl and deal. But they are being unreasonable. Kids may be resilient; but there is a limit, a limit they should quit trying to push before they seriously harm this little girl! My little girl!

 

Please don't say something like "you knew this was how it was" or "what did you expect?"

Edited November 7, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[Caitilin]

:grouphug: I will pray for you all this evening. :grouphug:

[Whereneverever]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Forget-Me-Not]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Sorry mama. How heartbreaking.

[happi duck]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[luvnlattes]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Impish]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Incognito]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[pdalley]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Kirch]

:grouphug::grouphug: May God bless you richly for opening your home and heart to these little ones and loving them without reserve. And may He give you the strength to keep fighting. I can't imagine how hard it must be. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Mom-2-7]

As a former foster mom, I can totally relate. I'm so sorry. :grouphug::grouphug:

I pray that Monkey stays where she needs to be.

[MrsBasil]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Unicorn.]

What Heather said. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Praying they do right by your sweet monkey girl. :grouphug:

[thebacabunch]

:grouphug:

[PentecostalMom]

:grouphug::grouphug: May God bless you richly for opening your home and heart to these little ones and loving them without reserve. And may He give you the strength to keep fighting. I can't imagine how hard it must be. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[StephanieZ]

I am in awe of your ability and willingness to open your heart to your foster children. Your willingness to love her, to love them, when you know full well the risk to your heart . . . is awe-inspiring and truly the most Godly thing I can imagine.

 

I hope and pray your little girl will be blessed and safe. And, I wish I could send you comfort and peace.

 

Of course, I also fervently hope and pray she stays with you forever.

 

I hope you can take some small comfort in knowing that the love and family you have given her are not wasted. No matter the future -- you have done a beautiful thing.

 

(((hugs)))

[swellmomma]

:grouphug:

[Tap]

I will pray that God guides the hands and decisions of those in the power to make the best decision for this child. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

 

No matter what that decision is, I wish for you and your family peace in knowing you have done everything in your power to make a lasting affect on this child. I hope your prayers are answered, and that the moral and legal scales tip in your favor to keep the child in your home. :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Donna]

I have worked with a large number of foster families (I am an Early Intervention PT) and I admire everything they do. It takes a special person. There are so many times when the system's decision does not seem best for the baby. I cannot imagine what long-term effects there are on some of those children who live with a family for their first two years or so then are taken away. They may not remember the details because they are so young but I have to think they remember the feelings associated with

 

Your situation is what keeps me from being a foster mother. I have thought about it a number of times but I know I would fall in love with all of them.

 

:grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

THanks y'all.

 

Donna, you DO fall in love with all of them. A two week situation will elicit tears when they leave. No doubt. But the kids NEED you do fall in love and do EVERYTHING in your power to help them, comfort them, etc. I pour my heart into every kid and their situation. And it hurts so incredibly much, but it is SO worth it. When a kid like Monkey can't even sit steady but you work with the PT for months and by 17months, she can walk and run and roll a ball and get down from the couch (she was discharged from PT just last week, btw). When she goes from the bottom 1% in speech to a bright little girl telling you a couple colors, animals, etc. When she learns your family's sillyness, play patterns, etc. When someone comes in the house and she can't get close enough to you as she taps you and tells the person"mama" over and over and over. Then she will play a little and show off to them, but always comes back to mama.

 

Every kid we get makes such progress (two 19month olds go home knowing letter sounds while a 2 week placement of a 3yo also does....and we blow therapist goals out of the water for every single kid!), but more importantly, relaxes and learns to trust. Maybe not fully. Sadly, the things done in Monkey's first 9 months still win out sometimes. That is why I fear so much another change.

 

I think another part of my fear is that my very first foster kids...the oldest was only 2½ years old and had RAD. And her life after us was not better either (though her adoptive mom who also was in a position to take all her siblings to be also loved her and did her best)....I just don't want Monkey to struggle like that. And Monkey's mother was adopted from another country and is having all these issues. SHe could turn out like her mother, especially if adults keep messing with her bonds!

 

If we had had MOnkey since birth and gave her absolutely everything she needed, I would be a whole lot less worried. Instead, she will be going to her FIFTH home. We have been her longest placement so far and she has bonded to us, but....but she has moved a lot for such a short time.

 

I woke up feeling like I cried all night. Please let these people come and see that it just isn't best. Please let my willingness to skype, text, call shows I'd let the family remain part of her life. Please let them see we may not be rich, but we have a wealth of love. SHe'll be doted upon, given a great education, have wonderful big siblings who adore her. But mostly, we love her and want her and want the best for her.

 

Please let someone make this move not happen. My baby and I need this to turn around!

[Researcher]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Scarlett]

:grouphug:

 

I pm'd you.

[a27mom]

My heart breaks for you. I lost my 2 foster sons to a poor decision a few years ago. Prayers for God to intervene. :grouphug:

[speedmom4]

THanks y'all.

 

Donna, you DO fall in love with all of them. A two week situation will elicit tears when they leave. No doubt. But the kids NEED you do fall in love and do EVERYTHING in your power to help them, comfort them, etc. I pour my heart into every kid and their situation. And it hurts so incredibly much, but it is SO worth it. When a kid like Monkey can't even sit steady but you work with the PT for months and by 17months, she can walk and run and roll a ball and get down from the couch (she was discharged from PT just last week, btw). When she goes from the bottom 1% in speech to a bright little girl telling you a couple colors, animals, etc. When she learns your family's sillyness, play patterns, etc. When someone comes in the house and she can't get close enough to you as she taps you and tells the person"mama" over and over and over. Then she will play a little and show off to them, but always comes back to mama.

 

Every kid we get makes such progress (two 19month olds go home knowing letter sounds while a 2 week placement of a 3yo also does....and we blow therapist goals out of the water for every single kid!), but more importantly, relaxes and learns to trust. Maybe not fully. Sadly, the things done in Monkey's first 9 months still win out sometimes. That is why I fear so much another change.

 

I think another part of my fear is that my very first foster kids...the oldest was only 2½ years old and had RAD. And her life after us was not better either (though her adoptive mom who also was in a position to take all her siblings to be also loved her and did her best)....I just don't want Monkey to struggle like that. And Monkey's mother was adopted from another country and is having all these issues. SHe could turn out like her mother, especially if adults keep messing with her bonds!

 

If we had had MOnkey since birth and gave her absolutely everything she needed, I would be a whole lot less worried. Instead, she will be going to her FIFTH home. We have been her longest placement so far and she has bonded to us, but....but she has moved a lot for such a short time.

 

I woke up feeling like I cried all night. Please let these people come and see that it just isn't best. Please let my willingness to skype, text, call shows I'd let the family remain part of her life. Please let them see we may not be rich, but we have a wealth of love. SHe'll be doted upon, given a great education, have wonderful big siblings who adore her. But mostly, we love her and want her and want the best for her.

 

Please let someone make this move not happen. My baby and I need this to turn around!

 

:grouphug:

 

This post breaks my heart. It seems that the system protects the wants of adults but not the needs of a child. I just don't understand why that isn't the priority! I'm so angry just thinking about it. I will pray and pray that this baby gets to stay with you. Children shouldn't be bounced around from home to home when clearly they are already in a loving home. Doesn't the foster care system realize that by breaking those bonds over and over these children will end up with life long problems?!

 

Ok, rant over. Please keep us posted on what happens with Monkey!

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm sorry I rambled too much. I'm just in so much pain. I wish my writing was better to really convey my feelings.

 

SO I'm writing here rather than cleaning house. I don't want to get ready for them to come fall in love with my baby so they can take her in a few weeks!

 

Thanks for all the support.

Edited November 7, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[applethyme]

I have no words to offer just :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Thanks Elise. That is my feeling. We have sent lots of kids on. But this isn't a child going to parents or grandparents.

 

BTW, I do want to say that these people seem REALLY nice. We've done a lot of talking and they seem great! And if it were May or June, I'd support it and glad she's going to be close to some family members. It is simply that it has taken too long and no longer in her best interest.

 

If it were about me, I'd just cry. Since it is about her, I feel I am failing her by not protecting her from this :(

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Lots of prayers for your family.

[Just Kate]

Praying...

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[SKL]

Wow. :grouphug: I'm sorry. I'm an adoptive mom and every time I think of disrupting kids it makes me sick. They are not seedlings to be transplanted over and over.

 

Praying for you and the baby.

[thebarefootamazon]

Oh, I am in tears over here for you and for your little girl. :hug We're in the midst of getting licensed to foster/adopt (we'll be fictive kin) and this is one of my fears, that some distantly related person will pop up when we least expect it. Reunification with birth mama is another story. My heart is just breaking for you.

[happyhomemaker25]

:grouphug: I know. The hardest thing for me was sending my kids to a home that was in no way improved. Within months they were all back in foster care and I never could get them back (too full, in the middle of adoption...) I always felt like I'd somehow failed them.

The hardest for me was when my 2yo son (who'd been with me since he was 14m old) had to go for a visit with his BM with just the case worker. Every other visit I'd been asked to attend. She came and picked him up and he cried. When they came back about 30m later, because mom never showed up, he was standing at the door yelling for me. When I opened the door he rushed in, looked back at the case worker and yelled, "That's my mommy!" He's 9 now and I still cry thinking about it.

Many prayers for you and your sweet Monkey.

[Parrothead]

:grouphug::grouphug: May God bless you richly for opening your home and heart to these little ones and loving them without reserve. And may He give you the strength to keep fighting.

Amen.

[Laurie4b]

So, so sorry. Is there a guardian ad litem involved? It's a terrible time developmentally to move a child. Will there be visits back and forth (a ramped up transition)? Or will it be a sudden change?

[HomeschoolMamaOfTwo]

:grouphug:

[fraidycat]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[LMV]

Pamela,

 

Hugs! I get this I really do. Our foster daughter has been in our home almost three years and we still do not have a TPR. This is in violation of all permanency laws but since the parent who didn't relinquish is also facing criminal charges that has complicated things further. I will pray that everything works out for both of our daughters.

[mykdsmomy]

Oh Pamela, I can totally empathize with you! Fairy Princess has a crazy judge who is desperate to get her back with inappropriate (dangerous) family!

 

A couple things: I'm in Ca. so I'm sure things are done differently but do you have a foster care advocacy group in your area? We have Advokids and Children's Alliance here. They are both wonderful in helping foster parents advocate for the children.

 

Also, have you spoken with Monkey's attorney? Can you file for De Facto status?

 

I'll be praying for you as I know how gut wrenchingly difficult this must be for you :grouphug::grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Is there a guardian ad litem involved? It's a terrible time developmentally to move a child. Will there be visits back and forth (a ramped up transition)? Or will it be a sudden change?

 

The ad litem, because the people are closer to family than we all realized originally, now supports the placement with the fictive kin. I understand that, though I don't see how it changes the "strangers" or "not blood/adoptive relatives" part or how Monkey is as an individual.

 

It is a terrible time for such a move. But no, there will not be a transition. I offered, from the get go, to do skype with the family. That just started, though, in September. The visit this week will be the only one and they can't take her overnight (personally, I'd love to let them have a taste of what she is going to do). I'm supposed to TELL them what difficulties we have because of the visit @@.

 

No, a stranger will come pick up my daughter and her stuff. They will get on a plane and fly across the country. Then they will drop her off with these people she's met for two days weeks prior. And she'll be expected to deal and be their daughter and get along with her new sister (who is about 6 months older).

 

I just got off the phone with the caseworker. AT least she agreed with me that everyone and their brother doesn't need to descend upon my house in the morning when there is enough emotion between the other family, my family, and Monkey. Now if I can just get CASA to agree also.

 

Basically, the caseworker doesn't agree with me. "The department turns to family." And she said she will discuss the bonding assessment with the ad litem. SHe also said she'd accept any documentation regarding it being best for Monkey to stay here (mentioning therapists as if 17month olds have seen those). Really, her only hope is that if these people are going to back out, they do it before they move her out of state rather than after.

 

What it comes down to is that Texas can say they got one more reunification with family, the state won't have to pay for TPR and foster care and adoption, and these people get another child. It isn't about Monkey's best interests.

 

We were at a crossroads. A little over a month ago, we discussed whether we were going to continue fostering. Part of me says that I hate CPS and what they do to children, having too many examples very real to me now. Part of me says that we're a good family and could at least give the best on a day to day basis for children while they are here, regardless of what CPS and their parents do to them. I thought I had made my decision, letting the second part win out until we finished our family or decided we don't want to add anymore kids. But I may be rethinking.

 

ETA: We can't intervene until March. I seriously doubt this will last that long.

[lauranc]

 

When someone comes in the house and she can't get close enough to you as she taps you and tells the person"mama" over and over and over. Then she will play a little and show off to them, but always comes back to mama.

 

 

Please let someone make this move not happen. My baby and I need this to turn around!

 

This sounds so difficult. I have often thought of fostering, and had it in my mind that it was temporary--- this sounds more like the expectation was permanent. Are some foster placements permanent?

[Pamela H in Texas]

Laura,

 

66% of foster kids in my area go to parents or relatives. So most kids are temporary. And foster parents should think of them as such (though we still get attached and it hurts when they move on).

 

But many people adopt from fostercare also. I adopted my 6, 5, and 4yr olds in July.

 

And then there are some cases where things are just weird. Different people in the case say different things. Add that you work your butt off for this kid and love her more than anything. You let your head wander, especially when it is being encouraged by a key person in the case (in this case, the ad litem). And then when time just keeps ticking away and no one is actually DOING anything you just keep falling deeper in love, thinking of forever. But you're supposed to keep yourself from going there. HA!

[SKL]

Laura,

 

66% of foster kids in my area go to parents or relatives. So most kids are temporary. And foster parents should think of them as such (though we still get attached and it hurts when they move on).

 

But many people adopt from fostercare also. I adopted my 6, 5, and 4yr olds in July.

 

And then there are some cases where things are just weird. Different people in the case say different things. Add that you work your butt off for this kid and love her more than anything. You let your head wander, especially when it is being encouraged by a key person in the case (in this case, the ad litem). And then when time just keeps ticking away and no one is actually DOING anything you just keep falling deeper in love, thinking of forever. But you're supposed to keep yourself from going there. HA!

 

Even if the foster mom could avoid feeling "I am this child's parent," that doesn't change what happens to the baby. You can't ask a toddler to think in terms of a temporary solution. And if you could, that would be even worse. :grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

right SKL. Like I've tried to explain to people, I could suck it up (after much bawling and upset) if it were just about ME. I've had to do it with other kids. I miss them. I loved them. They were my kids when they were here. But fact of the matter is that the plan was something else and usually that was best for them. The issue here is that it isn't best for Monkey. So not only do I have my feelings about losing a kid I love so much (plus add those because I didn't guard my heart); I also have the feelings of failing her because I can't protect her from this. I have the fear of what will happen because of this decision. I have the sadness that she is going to hurt so much (temporarily, if not permanently).

 

I know what we went through when Monkey got here and she's still a LOUD, "high strung" baby. Her having to go through all that again. Weeks of wondering "what on earth is going on? Where is my mama, daddy, sister, John, etc?"

 

And to make all that worse? It isn't just the move in her case. The family uses a few different things for childcare. Right now, it is a grandma plus daycare. They plan on adding the other grandma also. So she'll have 2½ hours per day with her new parents and new sister, then have daycare, grandmas, etc each week also, not just visit, but regularly different caregivers! Now, I have nothing against women working. Some must or choose to for various reasons. And I have nothing against daycare or grandparents watching kids. And I even have nothing against their arrangement for their typical, attached, non-traumatized daughter. But MY baby is not going to do well with this arrangement. She needs a constant consistent caregiver because it'll be her FIFTH home. Ideally, it would be one of her new parents because we have concerns with her attachment NOW after 8 months of her being with me all but 2½ hours per week (visitation with her parents).

[lauranc]

I don't mean to hijack the thread... but just a quick question (still trying to sort through if this is even something I could do)... when the child comes to stay at the foster parents' house--- are they encouraged to think of the foster family as their family (ie.. mom, dad, sister, brother etc..) so, you mentioned your foster daughter called you mama--- I'm wondering if the kids are encouraged to think in terms of mom, dad etc.. and call the foster family by those names?

 

I don't know anyone who fosters.. so in my mind I had always thought of foster parenting as a temporary thing whereby you'd still always be talking about the child's family, and sort of encouraging that relationship--- (ie. 'are you looking forward to seeing your mom' etc..)

 

From what I'm reading in this thread, it sounds more like it's better for the child to sort of bond with the foster family and think of them like 'their' family.

 

I'm intrigued.... (and also very sorry to hear how difficult it can be!)

[bzymom]

I am praying for this little one. She is so lucky to have you in her life.:grouphug::grouphug:

[ktgrok]

praying hard.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Laura,

 

A baby is going to call the people there whatever everyone else calls them. Here is how it went here.

 

My first (this time around) foster kids were short terms kids and I didn't feel comfy with them calling me mama in any sort of way. We tried to encourage aunt/uncle, but fell into our first names pretty quickly. So when my three got here, they also called us what the other kids called us. That seemed fine a long time. After awhile, I had a talk with them about how I was the mama of this house. *We* knew by that time we would likely get to adopt, but you don't talk to kids about such things until it is a little clearer. Anyway, so slowly, we worked on it. So when Monkey was starting to talk, I was mama.

 

There are a few other things at play though, especially as we're only taking older kids if we keep doing this. First, there is whatever the kid wishes to call you. A LOT of them NEED an every day mom, a mom of the house. They know they have other parents when they are 3, 4, 6, 10, 15 years old. But they need a mom TODAY. I am fine with that so Mama Pam is what we start with. They can decide from there though. So far, every kid other than the 15 and 16yo girls who were only here a couple days have called me Mama.

 

But of course you encourage the bond with the family when that is appropriate. We talked about home. We talked about their parents. We talked good and bad and wonderful and ugly. It is safe in our home to discuss that as much as one needs to. They often make pictures or letters for their parents or whatever. But sometimes you wouldn't encourage it past what they are doing themselves. For example, my three didn't even have visits and were never expected to see their parents again (well, as children). So it wouldn't make sense for ME to bring it up most of the time. Same with Monkey. THey see them an hour per week but she was never expected to go back to them.

 

But other kids? We had pictures of key family members. I've sent pictures of the kids to visits. I packed up the kids' drawings and stories and whatever. I wrote letters to the family.

 

I *want* families to be successful! I want them to get their kids back. That is the very best thing that can happen even if the home is mediocre at best. And I believe in family also. If mom and dad can't parent, maybe grandma or aunt or someone. That keeps them in their family culture, knowing where they came from. It gives them access to more of their birth family. It gives their parents a chance to see them if possible, healthy, and safe, even if the parents can't parent. Those are good things.

 

This is the ONLY time I have disagreed with the case plan (though there has been a couple court rulings I've disagreed with, like one that kept this woman's kids away from her an extra two months for no reason!). In this case, we have a "high strung" (dr's words), sensitive child with some developmental concerns who has been in four homes (parents because CPS didn't know she existed yet, foster home, grandparents, and then us). She displays some indiscriminate as well as insecure attachment on top of the normal separation anxiety of being a toddler. If she could go to family she knew, family who could have been bonding with her all this time, or they had done the move in a timely fashion, then this would be a good thing because it gives her access to family (at least for some holidays). The problem is that it dragged on and on so it gave her time for us to become her family in a different way (again, she doesn't have anyone else she's working on that bond with). So when she is taken from us, she will continue her education about people being untrustworthy, unreliable, temporary. I'm POSITIVE the's O's (out-of-state family) will try to bond with her, get her to quit screaming, etc. But the damage is done. These years are the ones where she is supposed to learn attachment skills and she's already gotten the message loud and clear...a negative message that will just be reiterated when we abandon her also.

 

Unfortunately, the state is pretty bad about these things. Almost all of the children we've received have been children who were first in other homes. We are Monkey's 4th home. We were our three's NINTH home. There is some crazy belief that kids are resilient so can just be bounced around on a whim.

 

I was going to say something else but hubby interrupted. Fact is that while kids are in your home, you should be supporting reunification because it is usually best or necessary. But you'd be naive to think you'll always agree with the plan. Even the other people involved don't always agree with what they are doing.

 

AND while the kids are in your home, they ARE your family. You wouldn't single them out as foster kids. You would treat them as your own within the standards provided by the state. You will fall in love and they will also. You will be a wonderful family member whether aunt or mom or more like a teacher. Whatever works.

[Mommyfaithe]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: