I'm seriously losing my mind....

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[mumto2]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you and monkey are going through this. It is very difficult to believe that this is a good solution for her. Do I understand correctly....they are actually going to send her out of state to live with "friends" of the family not actual family members? I really can't see how this is in her benifit. I didn't even know it could be done.

[Pamela H in Texas]

sawuk, well, they are inlaws of inlaws... Texas (and many other states) recognize "fictive kin." In fact, I'm not against fictive kin. My first kids ever, over 15 years ago, were fictive kin. We had the kids before they went into the system and got to keep them because we had a relationship with them.

 

IN this case, the relationship is: The man of the couple getting her has two brothers who are married to two sisters of Monkey's biological mother. In their state, these people aren't considered family so had to get licensed as foster parents (which they finally are getting done). In our state, they are considered family.

 

BTW, if this would just drag out another couple months, *we* could ask to be party of the case also under a similar situation. If she had been in another county, we could have done it based on having her a good percentage of her life, using bonding assessments as proof, etc. ANd we most likely would have won had it been another county. And if, by some miracle, we make it to the magic date necessary, we still would probably win. Relationship counts a lot.

 

It isn't to her benefit only because of how long it has taken (due to a mistake made by the caseworker and lack of proactive-ness of the family-to-be). If it could have happened in a timely fashion, I do think it could have been good for her.

 

I am going to keep fighting, doing the last few things I can think of. But I think I'm going to have to come up with a way to come to terms with it. Somehow.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Oh, and can I vent about one more thing?

 

Last night, I got a text from the woman saying that she and the CASA and caseworker needed to come early tomorrow morning. I texted back that I didn't think it was good for Monkey for everyone to descend upon our home at the same time. The caseworker called earlier and agreed with me. Well, the lawyer now too is part of the party (though the caseworker is not).

 

My issue with everyone coming is that this is going to be an EMOTIONAL house tomorrow morning. There are all my feelings, those of my family members, those of the couple, and Monkey! Seriously, couldn't we have it more laid back than having everyone else come also?

 

But my other issue is that everyone went through the other woman and not me. It *is* my house though they seem to think it is just a daycare. Shouldn't each person (or at least SOMEONE) have called me and asked ME about coming to MY house? I'm not really surprised considering I regularly get calls at 11am asking to come "today" by these people. But it is maddening. Seriously, could I have ANY respect and consideration?

[besroma]

:grouphug::grouphug: Praying :grouphug::grouphug:

[Jpoy85]

:grouphug:

 

I would talk to the Guardian Ad Litem. If the caseworker wont stand up to the judge and explain how Monkey is doing well in your care and how switching her can cause further issues, then talk to the GAL and maybe he/she can help. Its not SUPPOSE to be up to the caseworker for placement, a judge is suppose to decide. At least here in OH thats how it works. Maybe the judge wont let you stand up and talk but if you annoy someone enough, surely theyll talk for you or let you talk.

[Slartibartfast]

:grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[mumto2]

Pam, Thank you for explaining the fictive kin term. I had never heard of it before. I also totally agree that your situation with your first kids is a perfect example of it working really well. But you stepped forward at the beginning and gave your kids a really smooth transition.

 

I do feel so badly for monkey with her rad issues being moved after she has bonded amazingly well with you. I have a close friend who fosters. It always amazes me that so many of her quite little ones remember her years later. They do bond and clearly do remember.

 

Hopefully your visit today goes much better than expected. I pray that you discover that monkey's new family have huge and very loving hearts and are able to help her transition to her new life. Something that makes this easier for you to accept.

 

My issue now is "relocating" her via planes etc with a stranger in charge. Lately I always have issues with the foster care system.:lol: It makes me so sad that children miss forever family opportunities because of paperwork etc. Anyway It seems like it would cost the same to have one of the fictive parents come for her. Also better for her.:001_huh

 

Anyway :grouphug: Thinking of you today.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I've decided to just be gracious and open (which I would have been anyway, of course). Just remembering they are leaving Saturday morning and Monkey is not. Remembering they also are probably nervous about all this. We'll make it as easy on them as possible. And hope they see that Monkey loves us and sees us as her family and we absolutely adore her.

 

I can't accept her being taken any differently than I could accept someone taking any of the other children. There is no difference in my heart, period. There is no difference in HER heart.

 

I do believe these people are good people. I think they are too naive to do what is right though. I don't think they understand what they are doing well enough to not do it. And I don't think they understand it well enough to do it well since they'll insist on doing it.

 

But what is going to happen is going to happen. And more than anything, I hope Monkey will be okay in the end.

Edited November 8, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[Hannah]

Wishing you much strength Pam. :grouphug:

And hoping for a miracle somehow.

[Scarlett]

Wishing you much strength Pam. :grouphug:

And hoping for a miracle somehow.

 

:grouphug: Me too. I am so sorry and I wish the best for Monkey.

[Momma H]

I don't know if anyone else has posted this and I don't have time to look but when we fostered my daughter we did two things.

We were fortunate enough to get the name of the dangerous person. (don't remember how but we did) We looked him up and he had a criminal record and that gave us evedence.

******You can (at least in Colorado where we adopted her from) Intervene on Behalf of the Child. This is a court order. (INTERVENE ON BEHALF OF THE CHILD) It gives you some footing in the case. You get a lawyer and have this court order filed. You can then be privy to any of the documents of the case and are considered a player. Also, the kin would have to get (or percieve that they have to) a lawyer and that may deter them a bit (it did for our situation).

It cost us probably $2000 dollars to do this. I know it is a lot of money but, if you can, obviously, to save your baby it is worth anything you have to pay.

I will pray for your situation. The agony is unbearable. I feel for you. I am sorry it hurts so much. You may have hope if you can intervene. Get names, look up records. Find out if they are safe.

[sunnylady303]

I am praying for you and your family and your poor aching heart this morning.

[Pamela H in Texas]

MommaH, thanks :) In the county Monkey is from, we have to wait 12 months. Other counties will consider circumstances prior to 12 months, but this particular one will not. Stinks. Court will be before the 12 months, unfotunately.

 

The people just left (took Monkey to lunch). So I have a little time. I'm going to call our lawyer and hope they can give me some direction.

 

Also, I spoke with Monkey's lawyer this morning. I told her I understood that this gave Monkey access to family; but that now that she has been here so long, I don't think it is good to break her bond with us to go to a 5th home. She also mentioned attachment disorder (before me!).

 

I don't know whether this is good new or bad, but Monkey has done beautifully this morning. I'm sure THEY think it is wonderful; but Denise and others will understand why it is an issue. Of course, the other part of my concern is that this means she'll be miserable for us later, but.....

 

I was fine while they were here. Now I'm going nuts again. BLAH!

 

Anyway,

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Wishing you much strength Pam. :grouphug:

And hoping for a miracle somehow.

 

OMW, :iagree:. I can't even imagine.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Oh, and the other thing? CPS wants the out-of-state people to meet with the birth parents! I asked to meet with them, get their lawyer info, etc and was shot down. Caseworker told me that she doesn't speak to them except in regards to visits anymore. But then askes these people to meet with them?

 

I'm sure the reasons is that 1) to try to get the parents to sign and 2) so the parents' lawyers can't say that they weren't given access to the couple getting their kid (people they don't know). These people don't want to do that and their own agency worker is telling them not to. SO I don't know what they will decide.

 

I just am frustrated because I keep asking for lawyer info so I can make an offer and I can't get anywhere! If the parents won't sign, fine; but can't I at least try? That will save the state money and help their numbers too! But they are SO set on giving my baby to these people they won't even consider other options at all even if they aren't involved? THat is ridiculous!

 

Our lawyer is calling me back in a minute.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Oh, and the other thing? CPS wants the out-of-state people to meet with the birth parents! I asked to meet with them, get their lawyer info, etc and was shot down. Caseworker told me that she doesn't speak to them except in regards to visits anymore. But then askes these people to meet with them?

 

I'm sure the reasons is that 1) to try to get the parents to sign and 2) so the parents' lawyers can't say that they weren't given access to the couple getting their kid (people they don't know). These people don't want to do that and their own agency worker is telling them not to. SO I don't know what they will decide.

 

I just am frustrated because I keep asking for lawyer info so I can make an offer and I can't get anywhere! If the parents won't sign, fine; but can't I at least try? That will save the state money and help their numbers too! But they are SO set on giving my baby to these people they won't even consider other options at all even if they aren't involved? THat is ridiculous!

 

Our lawyer is calling me back in a minute.

 

I honestly don't know how loving people survive providing foster care :(

[Impish]

Praying for you and Monkey :grouphug:

[ChristyB in TN]

I am praying for you and hoping for a better outcome. I am a CASA, make sure he/she knows your feelings. Some judges really listen to us! :grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Thanks again y'all.

 

Christy, her CASA is the one who got this ball rolling and has pushed it along every step of the way. In a way, that is good. Originally, it probably was in Monkey's best interest. We just disagree NOW whether it is or not.

 

Her lawyer agrees with me that there is a concern. She said this afternoon she would give my the names/numbers of the lawyers of the parents. Hasn't happened yet. She also sounded like she would consider agreeing with us getting a bonding assessment. That too would be good. But she still seems to be supporting this move.

 

Well, today went really well in terms of Monkey seeming to enjoy it. She was all smiles. Honestly, I've not seen her have a better day, really. On the other hand, she absolutely refused to eat for them; so tonight, before bed, was ravenous. And she held both her pee and poop when with them for some reason which had her crying "mama" over and over when she finally did it. AND she woke up screaming from nap (after only an hour). It seems like my little Monkey can put on quite an "aren't I cute" show just like two of my others (indiscriminate attachment); but that it really takes a toll on her/them. But she did seem happy with them. And they really took to her also.

 

I am fighting it, but at the same time, I feel I have to start accepting it to some degree also because I really have been so freaked out for the last two weeks, especially this week. I simply cannot continue along that court. I have to accept what I can't change while trying to change what may still be changeable. In the end? We'll just have to see.

 

I did learn more about the birthmom today. And her family. It is quite interesting. Very sad though.

[Unicorn.]

Keeping you and Monkey in thoughts and prayers. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Today, they are taking Monkey out. But this afternoon, I'm really going to lay it out on the line for them. I'm going to beg them to consider what I say once they go home. And I'm letting them know I'll fight (maybe lose, but...) though I like them just fine. I just feel I must protect Monkey.

 

I tried to reason a little with them yesterday. Their own daughter is 22 months. How would SHE have handled some strangers coming into her home then a couple hours later trying to take her? Would she have done like Monkey did yesterday? They said she was "slow to warm up." Yes, because toddlers are SUPPOSED to be, at least to some extent (obviously, this is a range). How many toddlers do they know that would do like she did?

 

And then they need to consider that though she behaved like that outwardly, obviously there was something going on that she could only melt into us when they left, ate ravenously, cried as she potty-ed. Seriously, it *did* take a toll on her, just one she hid from them.

 

I have seen this behavior before. I'm kinda surprised a 17month old could pull it off so well, but....

 

Anyway, so this afternoon will be uncomfortable. Very. I just hope they will at least research a little and ask questions and such. Being approved by the (extended) family just isn't really enough.

 

Additionally, we may have some visitors (the short, cute kind) later today. Not the best timing, but....

[Pink Fairy]

Praying for you all, and especially for today's meeting. :grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Okay, talked to the couple (after denying their invitation to supper for a few reasons). It was so hard. I was shaking like a leaf. But I had to do it. They need to know that they are:

 

*ripping my heart out

*taking Monkey from her family

*and most importantly, possibly (probably?) causing a kid with some attachment concerns additional issues, possibly severe ones.

 

The woman didn't want to hear it. After a time, she focused on Monkey. The man was more open to hearing it and understanding that I felt I needed to fight for her. At least having said it, it is out there. They won't be able to NOT think about it, talk about it, etc. Hopefully, they'll make the right choice for Monkey.

 

And if not, I tried. I will continue working on other avenues. And I will fight til the moment she is taken from us. And even then, my words will echo in their minds when she is screaming for her mama. Maybe it'll be no longer than a vacation for her. If it is longer than that, I hope they can make it work out for her just because I don't want her to have to go through two moves. But....

 

Anyway, I'm stressed. Having symptoms of stress.

 

And we have some visitors, we'll see how long :)

[Scarlett]

Okay, talked to the couple (after denying their invitation to supper for a few reasons). It was so hard. I was shaking like a leaf. But I had to do it. They need to know that they are:

 

*ripping my heart out

*taking Monkey from her family

*and most importantly, possibly (probably?) causing a kid with some attachment concerns additional issues, possibly severe ones.

 

The woman didn't want to hear it. After a time, she focused on Monkey. The man was more open to hearing it and understanding that I felt I needed to fight for her. At least having said it, it is out there. They won't be able to NOT think about it, talk about it, etc. Hopefully, they'll make the right choice for Monkey.

 

And if not, I tried. I will continue working on other avenues. And I will fight til the moment she is taken from us. And even then, my words will echo in their minds when she is screaming for her mama. Maybe it'll be no longer than a vacation for her. If it is longer than that, I hope they can make it work out for her just because I don't want her to have to go through two moves. But....

 

Anyway, I'm stressed. Having symptoms of stress.

 

And we have some visitors, we'll see how long :)

 

:grouphug:

[Forget-Me-Not]

:grouphug: my heart hurts for both of you

[mumto2]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[CindyH in NC]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

Cindy

[sunnylady303]

I've been thinking of you and praying for you and Monkey.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Thanks some more y'all.

 

Things are pretty much back to normal as far as Monkey is concerned. She was super fussy yesterday; but that was to be expected. Today she was back to herself (still fussy in her ways, but not constantly).

 

Of course, this situation is still over our heads; but we can bury our heads a little.

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[LMV]

:grouphug: Pam!