BIL getting married, sister died 8 mos ago!

[Parrothead]

I'm so sorry.:grouphug:

 

Remember he is not replacing your sister. And chances are she is a lovely woman.

[Denisemomof4]

I am so sorry about the tragic loss of your sister. It must be so difficult for you and your dd.

 

That said, she is gone and she is never coming back. :crying:

 

Very gently saying, this is not about you or your dd. This is about your BIL. He sounds like a wonderful man, and it sounds like he was a wonderful, devoted husband. I can understand you're looking at this as he is your sister's husband, but he is a widow. Maybe being alone was unbearable for him. Clearly it is not what he wants.

 

He was wonderful to your sister. He is not being disloyal to her because he moved on. Yes, it looks like he may be trying to replace her. Yes, it is shockingly soon. Everyone handles grief differently. And he did start to date while still grieving. But his happiness matters and if he wants to remarry, I would do the most loving thing possible and accept the woman with open arms and try to make her a part of your family the best you can.

 

If your bil is like a brother to you, I would be honest with him about your struggle and also ask for his patience as you grow into this new phase of life with him.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Word Nerd]

My aunt and uncle were married for almost 45 years. When she died, he struggled a lot with being alone. Only a few months after her death he began seeing a woman who had lost her husband to cancer the year or two before, and they were married within a year from the time my aunt died. My cousins, mom, grandma and others were concerned it was happening too fast, but they gave her a chance and welcomed her into the family despite their reservations and the pain his marrying again so quickly caused. My mom was nervous when they met, and even though she liked the woman and felt more at ease after meeting her and seeing them together, Mom still cried a lot later that night when she was away from them. In this case, the type of woman who dates a man only a few months after his wife died is a lovely, caring woman. We still miss my aunt, and I'm sure my uncle does too. His wife likely still misses her first husband as well. But they have each other now, and they are happy.

 

I'm sorry for your loss, OP, and your feelings and reactions to grief are what they are. Please try not to assign negative motives to your BIL's actions or the woman's, though. People grieve differently and are ready to move on with life at different times, and losing a spouse is one of the most stressful life events a person can experience. As much as family members may prefer that widows or widowers remain alone, it isn't wrong for them to desire a new relationship. :grouphug:

Edited November 3, 2012 by WordGirl

[Denisemomof4]

I also think it is so loving of his fiance to be thankful to your sister for making him the man he is. What a beautiful thing to say.

[Word Nerd]

I also think it is so loving of his fiance to be thankful to your sister for making him the man he is. What a beautiful thing to say.

 

:iagree:

[ereks mom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that your grief is great and nothing I can say will make that better. All I can say is that sometimes esp. for men when they've been in a good loving marriage, those are the men who will marry the soonest - not out of disrespect to the deceased wife but because their wife showed them just how good marriage is.

 

:iagree: :grouphug: for you.

[Mommyof4ks]

:grouphug: to you and your family. It is hard to see people moving on before you are ready for the change, it really is, however your BIL seems like a wonderful man who loved your sister dearly and obviously conveyed that to this woman. She said your sister made him the man he is, and that sounds like she knows this will be hard for your family and she wants you to know that she is not replacing your sister. Is this woman widowed too? You don't have to answer that, but if so then they might both need a companion right now.

 

I say this very gentley, because I know it offends some, have you seen a counselor to help you through your grief? Sometimes it just helps to talk with someone removed from the emotions of the loss. Again, :grouphug: to you. I cannot imagine such a loss.

[Kari C in SC]

I have been through pretty much this exact thing with a few differences. My sister-in-law (my husband's brother's wife) was murdered by a teenager they adopted from Guatemala. A couple months after she died, he met a newly divorced woman in his church group. By the 8 month mark, as well, they were engaged. They married just 14 months after my sister-in-law died. My sil was my very best friend. We were SISTERS. I loved her so much and I was an absolute wreck. They still had children at home ages 5 to 15. My dh called me at home to tell me the news of the proposal. I was getting ready to go to an OB check for our baby. By the time I got there, my blood pressure was so high, they made me do some extra tests and wait to see if it would go lower. I kept telling them that I had just had some upsetting news. A couple months after we found out about the engagement, I had our baby. My dh had a week off due to changing jobs. I was a basket case. I was crying over everything. I was overwhelmed with the new baby. I missed my sil. We had had our babies together and she was gone and I just could not deal. And... THIS WOMAN... she was going to destroy the house that my sil built and throw all her stuff away and her sweet babies would never remember their mama. Yes, I was that crazy! So, my dh said to me that we were driving the 8 hours to SC to meet this woman and I was going to get to know her and try to calm all my fears. We drove up and I cried for 2 days straight. It was the first time I had been back since the funeral. I had so many memories of coming to that house to visit her and share our babies and she was gone. The new wife was gracious and kind and way more welcoming that I could have hoped. I am sure she felt so strange meeting this woman that was a nutcase. Finally after 2 days we were going to leave. I hadn't really even talked much with new wife at that point. As we are getting in the car, I felt the need to hug her and let her know that it wasn't HER making me cry. It was my deep grief. She covered me in grace. She was very kind. We decided to stay another day. I got to know her a bit. That was 8 years ago this very week. I now live in the house next door to them because I wanted to move closer to my sil kids. I will not say we have a perfect relationship, but it is not bad. Our differences have nothing to do with her marrying dh's brother. We just have very different lives. I do not believe that bil loves her in the same way he loved his first wife. I will say, she didn't change anything in the house for many, many years. And then when it was changed - it was actually my bil that made the changes. The many family photos with my deceased sil are still hanging on all of the walls as are many of her collections. I do not know that I could be that gracious and have so much of his first wife being around, but she is and for that I have to give her great praises. Anyway, that is my long and crazy story that just goes along with my crazy life. I know it is hard. I know it hurts. I wish I could give you a hug.

Edited November 4, 2012 by Kari C in SC

[Catwoman]

I have been through pretty much this exact thing with a few differences. My sister-in-law (my husband's brother's wife) was murdered by a teenager they adopted from Guatemala.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry, Kari. :(

[WishboneDawn]

This is good advice. I was actually going to suggest the opposite, but you have convinced me. That said, I think the OP has the right to her feelings. [i agree with everyone who said that this happens frequently. In my experience, sometimes it is great, sometimes the new marriages aren't happy, but who knows here.] I think given the strong emotions that BIL is feeling, you are probably right just to bite one's tongue.

 

That said, I was wondering about saying some thing like this privately to BIL: "As you know, I'm still really grieving the loss of my only sibling. I'm not sure how long it will be this intense. I'm not trying to compare our grief, but I wanted to share with you how I'm doing. I'm really happy for you and your new wife, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with a burst of grief, and I'm thinking that attending your wedding and other family occasions will trigger that. I just wanted you to know in advance, so that if you see me crying or looking unhappy, you know it isn't about you or my support of your new life, but just some intense feelings I'm having about the loss of my sister. I hope you will understand."

 

I agree. You can't dictate what people will feel and I apologize if it sounded like that was what I was saying.

 

I spent a year getting very angry with my husband after my brother died. Poor guy put up with a lot. I finally realized my anger had little to do with my husband and everything to do with my brother's death. I had a right to feel that anger and nobody had the right to dictate how I grieved but at the same time I really needed to recognize that it wasn't fair to target my husband. There were times I just needed to sit on those feelings for awhile or find another way to work them out with him that didn't involve getting angry at him, rather then make my husband miserable too. Not deny or supress the emotions but recognize where they were really coming from.

 

I think that's my concern with the OP. It's such a mixed up, sensitive horrible time and she is still in the very early stages of dealing with it. 8 months is nothing. Far enough in to think you might be getting back to normal but not far enough yet to have any objective distance.

[Catwoman]

I think that's my concern with the OP. It's such a mixed up, sensitive horrible time and she is still in the very early stages of dealing with it. 8 months is nothing. Far enough in to think you might be getting back to normal but not far enough yet to have any objective distance.

 

:iagree:

 

That was a big part of the reason why I posted the only potentially negative comments about the new fiancee. I was concerned that perhaps the OP's BIL might not be thinking clearly yet, and that he was a prime candidate to be targeted by a woman who was looking for a new husband to support her.

 

Frankly, I am surprised that everyone seems to be so immediately accepting of the new fiancee. I'm not saying that her motives are definitely suspect, but they certainly could be, and I think it's something to be considered.

 

I know a man who met a sweet and wonderful woman from his church, who helped and consoled him after his wife died. She was so caring and kind, and she seemed so concerned about his little dd. So he married her. And then he and his dd found out what she was really like. She had totally played him. It was so sad, because all he'd needed was someone he could love and trust, and who would be like a mom to his dd, and he got a miserable shrew who blew through his money like it was water and treated his dd like dirt.

 

And believe me, this woman said all the right things, too. So you just never know.

[Researcher]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that your grief is great and nothing I can say will make that better. All I can say is that sometimes esp. for men when they've been in a good loving marriage, those are the men who will marry the soonest - not out of disrespect to the deceased wife but because their wife showed them just how good marriage is.

 

 

:iagree:

 

:grouphug:

[Word Nerd]

 

Frankly, I am surprised that everyone seems to be so immediately accepting of the new fiancee. I'm not saying that her motives are definitely suspect, but they certainly could be, and I think it's something to be considered.

 

 

To me it's a matter of giving someone the benefit of the doubt until they do something off or questionable rather than beginning with suspicion and assuming the worst possible motive is the likeliest.

[mothergooseof4]

I am sorry that you are hurting. I understand it, and I understand that it seems soon TO YOU. That is okay. But, with love, may I say that you are not the one alone.

 

I say this as someone who has been widowed by a wonderful dh. I was young, with very young babies. When late dh passed suddenly, I knew that I wanted to remarry. I have never wanted to be alone. I was not emotionally ready for a few years, and it was several more before the Lord sent new dh. I understand that, for me, this time was needed. It was very hard though. I missed late dh terribly. We had a wonderful marriage and suddenly I was alone. Sure, I had dc to keep me busy, but I had no one to talk to, share with, cuddle with, dream with, plan with, etc. I was so lonely. It was horrible, and I would never wish that on anyone. No, I wasn't depressed. We enjoyed life. But, even with being so young, I felt that each year that went by was one that I could have spent loving someone. I enjoyed marriage, but the truth is, I could never have those things with late dh again. I was the one left here to make the best of what life I have left.

 

New dh does not replace late dh. I still miss late dh. I will talk about him with the kids. I talk to new dh about him. All of us visit late dh's family, and they are happy we have new dh. Dh is very respectful of late dh's place in our lives.

 

I have no problem with others marrying soon after the death of their spouse, as long as they are responsible about their choice of a spouse. My mom passed away a few years ago. After experiencing widowhood, I made sure that my step dad knew right away that I would be okay with him finding someone quickly. He is older, who knows how much life he has left. It pains me to think of him being alone. He was wonderful to my mom and loved her dearly. Why should he now have to be lonely in her absence? Life is so short, there is no reason to spend it alone if that is not what you want.

 

Please try to be understanding with your BIL. He is not disrespecting your sis. If he was a good dh to her, then he wants that relationship again. He can't have it with your sis anymore, but he may be able to have it with this woman. It may seem quick to you, but he doesn't know if he has tomorrow, much less a couple of years for others in his life to be ready for him to remarry. But, the truth is that those others (you) are not the ones that go home each day to an empty house.

 

I know that may seem harsh to you, and I don't intend it that way. I have lost many people in my life, but not a sibling. I can imagine that after such a loss, it would be hard for me to see my BIL remarry quickly. But, the truth is, if he has been good to your sis, then you need to recognize the fact that he is lonely and deserves to be free to enjoy what happiness he can in her absence.

[Scarlett]

To me it's a matter of giving someone the benefit of the doubt until they do something off or questionable rather than beginning with suspicion and assuming the worst possible motive is the likeliest.

 

:iagree:

 

I have known many many many great second marriages which followed a long first marriage that ended with the death of one spouse.

 

I also know one horrible one where the 2nd wife alienated him from his children, attempted to steal his fortune and it all ended up in court when he died. She is my XMIL. :glare:

[dangermom]

 

Frankly, I am surprised that everyone seems to be so immediately accepting of the new fiancee. I'm not saying that her motives are definitely suspect, but they certainly could be, and I think it's something to be considered.

 

 

 

That's certainly true. I think most people were just addressing the 'How could he?' question.

[KidsHappen]

:iagree: This has been statistically proven. Happily married men tend to remarry quite quickly after their wives have died. He really isn't being disrespectful to your sister, even though it may feel that way to you. Try to be happy for him and supportive of his new marriage. I'm sure it won't be easy, but in the end, it'll be the best thing for your family.

 

:iagree: Ok, I am quoting from memory so my figures may not be exactly but approximately 35% of older men die within one year of their spouses death if they do not find a new partner. Finding a new partner increases their life time in a significantly statistical way. Women often live 20-30 years without remarrying but men seem to need a SO probably because they have fewer social bonds than women.

[Thia]

This so hard. I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard to know what I would do in this situation because I'm not in it. I will tell you a quick story about my family though.

My grandfather passed away suddenly. Quite soon it seemed to the rest of the family that my grandmother had picked up with another man. This was someone she had known for a long time, but we knew there was nothing going on while my grandfather was still alive. I know a few of my relatives had a hard time with it, but I didn't. My grandmother came out of remission from her cancer. This man stuck by her and cared for her and loved her for the time she had left. She passed away less than 2 years after my grandfather. Because of his love for her, she was not alone when she died unexpectedly. (We knew it was coming, but even the drs didn't think so soon. And she lived out of state so no family was there). Life is short. There's no such thing as too much love.

[Photo Ninja]

I may be a bit late here with all the advice and comments you have received, but I would like to add one more.

 

My sil - my dh's sister - passed away after a 6 month battle with cancer. My bil never left her side, in the hospital and at home. They had been married 18 years (no children), and he was always 150% devoted to her. It was tragic for the entire family.

 

He met a woman and one year later he remarried. He met a woman he grew to love, and he didn't want to be alone. Before he asked her to marry him, he went to my mil and fil to tell them about her and explain that he wanted to marry her, but he wanted to talk with them first because he wanted them to understand that he was not trying to replace their daughter. They told him that she would have wanted him to remarry and be happy and not spend the rest of his life alone, and they were not angry about it. They were happy for him. My mil and fil still consider him their sil.

 

Most the family understood, once we got over the surprise. But one brother and his family were quite angry that he was getting remarried only one year after sil passed away. They were vocal and bitter, and refused to attend the wedding and were angry at relatives who did attend and support the marriage. They viewed it as disrespectful to my sil. My inlaws went to the wedding. The love his second wife.

 

They have been married for nine years now and have two children. My inlaws love when they all visit. She is a wonderful woman and part of the family. The one brother and sil and family are still not very accepting and are still angry about the marriage and it has driven a bit of a wedge in family gatherings.

 

He did not try to replace my sil. Not at all. That was never his goal and his current wife knows it. He still loves my sil, his first girlfriend and wife, and on the 10 year anniversary of her passing, he wrote a touching, heart-felt, loving tribute to her. His current wife refers to her with tenderness and gratefulness for making her husband who he is. She has not tried to replace my sil and never will. She knows that is not possible. She is who she is, and she is good for my bil. They have a wonderful marriage.

 

I know the timing of your news may be shocking and seems inappropriate, and the pain of loss is still somewhat raw, but there can be good that comes about as life continues after loss.

[JVA]

This recently happened in my dh's family. His brother remarried 11 months after his wife of 41 years died of kidney cancer. She also had multiple emotional disorders that tore the familiy apart as the bil is a complete spineless enabling wimp. It was such a shame. His children (grown adults) have had a hard time adjusting to the idea of dad with a new woman, who appears to be emotionally healthy - yeah!

Our dd, the counselor, says he is a very typical widower....one who had a decent marriage and remarries quickly...statistics prove that is true. It's just hard for everyone else around to catch up to where he is.

I am sorry for your loss. Try to separate his new marriage from your sister and their relationship. It's not necessarily an endictment against her but an endorsement for the institution of marriage. (She also may have told him to find someone new soon- I've heard that before!) I hope you will feel better with time. Hugs.:grouphug:

[mom4him]

I believe the first thing you may need to do is not think of the woman as a replacement. Your BIL is more than likely simply lonely.

 

I will tell you that my mom found a wonderful man some time after my dad passed away. The time didn't seem to matter. Some of my sibbling made life so miserable for them including making up lies about the man. They finally divorced as my mom couldn't handle all the strife it was causing. She was never the same though. She had truly cared for this man and I believe they could have had many very happy years together if ones hadn't interfered.

 

Do all you can to support your BIL. Forgive where you feel offended and allow him to be happy. I am thinking this is probably what your sister would have wanted.:grouphug:

[love2read]

:grouphug:

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

You are very wise to just hang back and not overreact. My sister was in your BIL's girlfriend's shoes. She genuinely liked the guy, was around him a little before and after the death and without intending to be she was the sympathetic ear he needed. I do think she was a rebound for him and while it has worked out, my sister is probably not the ideal woman for him.

 

Your BIL still needs you and your family. Your pain will lessen and you'll gain understanding of the relationship as time goes by. I would tell him your pain is still to fresh to be involved in his new relationship, but that in time you want to get to know her--and just leave it at that.

[MooCow]

I don't know that this is necessarily "rebound".....I do know some men NEED to be married (like my Father). While I empathize with your pain and feelings of betrayal, I think in this case you should be happy for him; he will grieve for the rest of his life for his wife, and if this woman can make him happy and give him comfort, then let her. She is not replacing your sister; no one can. Perhaps your sister would have wanted her husband to go on without her.

 

I'm very sorry for your pain and the loss of your beloved sister.:grouphug:

[LucyStoner]

:grouphug:

 

Some people can't be alone.

 

You support him. He's always going to grieve your sister.

 

:iagree:

 

Older men from happier marriages often remarry quickly after the death of their spouse.

 

It's natural to be angry at anyone you perceive as taking your sister's place but for her adult children and your health, I encourage you to be calm with him and express good wishes.

[higginszoo]

My great uncle was married for 50 years to a wonderful lady, theirs was a loving and faithful marriage that endured many hardships (they were missionaries when their children were young, then my aunt had a long fight with heart disease). When she died, we were surprised how quickly he remarried (just a few months), and I know that my mom was taken aback by the fact that the new wife was her age (about 20 years younger). It's difficult to process when one person grieves very differently than another. It took time. My new aunt is a wonderful lady who knew and loved my other aunt, but it was an adjustment that we all had to make.

[Laurie4b]

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister and I'm sure it must be just excruciating to see her seemingly "replaced."

 

It has been my experience that it is not uncommon at all for widowers to do this. I have never seen a widow do it in my own personal experience, but I'm sure there are some widows who do. Speaking of the men I've seen do this, they seem to just need to have a woman to help them process their feelings. I am guessing most women have more outlets for this in female friends, but a lot of men do not have people with whom they can share feelings. I'm generalizing of course, about genders, but this has seemed to be true from my life experience. I think abrupt deaths might precipitate this even more.

 

I know it is really hard, but this is not a demonstration from him that your sister didn't mean much to him. He showed how much she meant by his behavior during their marriage and the time before she died. Remind yourself of that. He really, really loved her.

 

ETA: Just asked dh about this. He said his experience with male friends is that the grief is so huge that it creates a neediness as big as the love was.

Me again: I think some men only know how to process feelings with a woman they are in a romantic relationship with.

 

It does mean that he is coping with his grief differently that you are. That is really hard for everyone.

 

I think it would be good though if you could say something to him like, "I know we are both grieving my sister's death. You are finding it helpful to be in a new relationship, but it is too soon for me in my grieving to be able to process a new woman in your life. I hope that we can navigate these differences and come out still close in the end."

 

It is probably be very, very hard for his grown kids. Be there for them, but try really hard not to "go there" and join them and "pile on" with your emotions.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Edited November 3, 2012 by Laurie4b

[I.Dup.]

I'm sorry. It seems common for men to move on really quickly after a spouse dies. I have seen it happen time and time again. It's bizarre and I'm not sure how they find these women. :grouphug:

[Hoot]

I am so sorry about the tragic loss of your sister. It must be so difficult for you and your dd.

 

That said, she is gone and she is never coming back. :crying:

 

Very gently saying, this is not about you or your dd. This is about your BIL. He sounds like a wonderful man, and it sounds like he was a wonderful, devoted husband. I can understand you're looking at this as he is your sister's husband, but he is a widow. Maybe being alone was unbearable for him. Clearly it is not what he wants.

 

He was wonderful to your sister. He is not being disloyal to her because he moved on. Yes, it looks like he may be trying to replace her. Yes, it is shockingly soon. Everyone handles grief differently. And he did start to date while still grieving. But his happiness matters and if he wants to remarry, I would do the most loving thing possible and accept the woman with open arms and try to make her a part of your family the best you can.

 

If your bil is like a brother to you, I would be honest with him about your struggle and also ask for his patience as you grow into this new phase of life with him.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

:iagree:Well said.

 

And, :grouphug: to the OP. I know how tough this is. My dad remarried about a year after my mom was killed (I was 9) and it was hard. You already lost your sister; don't lose your BIL too though by shutting him out over this. Love him and be honest with him about the way you feel.

[LizzyBee]

My sister's husband got married pretty quickly after my sister died. He was lonely, she was lonely, now they have each other. It doesn't mean he didn't love my sister. I know it's hard, but try to accept it and continue to include bil as part of your family. :grouphug:

 

ETA: If you go to dinner and cry, they will probably be understanding. It's okay to be honest with your bil that this is hard for you if you do it without seeming to blame him or put him on the defensive.

Edited November 3, 2012 by LizzyBee

[melmichigan]

When my mother was dying she encouraged my Dad to find someone else to marry, the sooner the better. (It was a little different in that there were young kids involved.) My mother met my later to be step-mother before she died and she encouraged the relationship. I cannot imagine how she was able to do that, but she did. My Dad and step-mother were together from the time my mother died but they did wait almost a year to get married. My parents were together from high school until my Mom died at 35, and my Dad and step-mother were together until my Dad died at 55. My step-mother always said my Mom and Dad were the once in a lifetime thing, she was even going to bury my Dad next to my Mother when he died, but I wanted him buried close by.

 

It doesn't have to be a negative reflection on your sister or her marriage that BIL is engaged in such a short time. It can be a very positive reflection of the happiness and love that they shared.

[Ellie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'll tell you what you do: You welcome this woman with open arms.

 

I have read that, statistically, men tend to remarry sooner than women do, and that they tend to remarry sooner if their marriages were good. It is a testimony to your sister and BIL's marriage that he wants to marry again. This woman will be the gatekeeper to your BIL. If you want to still have relationship with him--and of course you do, because he was your sister's husband for 32 years, and y'all have a relationship, right?--then you have to love his new wife.

[Maus]

What the heck? Am I going crazy or is this all as crazy as it sounds??? My daughter, who always has been very close to my sister and BIL is totally freaked out and doesn't want to see BIL anymore, but I can't just write him off- he is like my own brother, which is apparently why he makes sure to tell me all this stuff. But for Goodness sake!!! She was my SISTER! This is my SISTER'S husband, and my sister's family! Who gets married 8 months after his wife of 32 years dies??

 

How can he think I would be okay with this?

 

What am I supposed to do? Go to dinner and meet this woman who's taking my sister's place, make nice, and try not to cry the whole time? Am I supposed to attend the wedding? I spent all day crying yesterday, I don't know how to handle this at all.

 

What do you think? What would you do? I am completely freaked out. I understand that he's running away, on the rebound, whatever you want to say, but what am I supposed to do? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Thanks for letting me vent. :confused:

Your answer might be in your own words, if your emotions will let you go there. He has become your brother. She isn't replacing your sister; she is marrying your grieving 'brother.' (If it had been the other way around, and your sister was the surviving spouse, and she was ready to move on and marry again, would you be ready?) Be up front with him. Tell him you spent the day crying, and that you miss your sister very much, but (if it's true) you do want to be happy for him.

 

Is the dinner a family dinner, or is just you and them? If it is the former, can you arrange to meet her a few days earlier? Explain that your emotions are still pretty raw and you'd like a chance to deal with them a little more privately. It sounds like you are pretty close to your BIL, so maybe you could even say something along the lines of, "While I understand intellectually that she isn't replacing sister and you are ready to move on, emotionally I'm still ..." (Wherever you feel you are.)

[Scarlett]

Your answer might be in your own words, if your emotions will let you go there. He has become your brother. She isn't replacing your sister; she is marrying your grieving 'brother.' (If it had been the other way around, and your sister was the surviving spouse, and she was ready to move on and marry again, would you be ready?) Be up front with him. Tell him you spent the day crying, and that you miss your sister very much, but (if it's true) you do want to be happy for him.

 

Is the dinner a family dinner, or is just you and them? If it is the former, can you arrange to meet her a few days earlier? Explain that your emotions are still pretty raw and you'd like a chance to deal with them a little more privately. It sounds like you are pretty close to your BIL, so maybe you could even say something along the lines of, "While I understand intellectually that she isn't replacing sister and you are ready to move on, emotionally I'm still ..." (Wherever you feel you are.)

 

Excellent post.

[Susan in TN]

:grouphug: I'm sorry - it's really hard to deal with. My SIL (dh's sister) died about 18 months ago and within 6 months another woman had moved in with BIL and nephew. Maybe it is a thing with men - I don't know.

[stripe]

What am I supposed to do? Go to dinner and meet this woman who's taking my sister's place, make nice, and try not to cry the whole time? Am I supposed to attend the wedding? I spent all day crying yesterday, I don't know how to handle this at all.

I would not assume she is trying to take your sister's place, though.

 

I do know people who marry soon after a spouse's death.

 

:grouphug:

[Scarlett]

Caroljenn never came back to this thread. :(

[Catwoman]

Caroljenn never came back to this thread. :(

 

Maybe she's just having a busy Saturday and will pop back in later. I hope she does. She seems so nice, and I feel so badly for her, because I absolutely understand why she's so upset.

 

It's easy for any of us to tell her to play nicely with the new woman and not think of her as a replacement for her sister, but in reality, it's not so easy, and I can understand why she is feeling betrayed by her BIL and terribly disappointed in his behavior. Who would want to think that their sister could be so easily replaced? Who would want to imagine that their BIL is probably already having s*x with another woman, so recently after his wife's death?

 

Again, if we're going to be completely rational about it, the guy is entitled to do whatever he wants to do with his life, and if Caroljenn loves him and wants to maintain their close relationship, she will have to find a way to deal with the idea of a new woman in her BIL's life... but she's still so emotionally raw about her sister's sudden death, that I can't begin to think that she would even want to be particularly rational about it right now. And I can't imagine that there is any way in the world that she wouldn't think of the new woman as her sister's replacement, no matter what any of us may say about it -- her sister is gone, and her BIL is marrying another woman. She may not replace Caroljenn's sister in his heart, but she's definitely replacing her in his home and in his life. Of course that's painful for Caroljenn, and I think it's completely normal for her to feel that way.

[Scarlett]

Maybe she's just having a busy Saturday and will pop back in later. I hope she does. She seems so nice, and I feel so badly for her, because I absolutely understand why she's so upset.

 

It's easy for any of us to tell her to play nicely with the new woman and not think of her as a replacement for her sister, but in reality, it's not so easy, and I can understand why she is feeling betrayed by her BIL and terribly disappointed in his behavior. Who would want to think that their sister could be so easily replaced? Who would want to imagine that their BIL is probably already having s*x with another woman, so recently after his wife's death?

 

Again, if we're going to be completely rational about it, the guy is entitled to do whatever he wants to do with his life, and if Caroljenn loves him and wants to maintain their close relationship, she will have to find a way to deal with the idea of a new woman in her BIL's life... but she's still so emotionally raw about her sister's sudden death, that I can't begin to think that she would even want to be particularly rational about it right now. And I can't imagine that there is any way in the world that she wouldn't think of the new woman as her sister's replacement, no matter what any of us may say about it -- her sister is gone, and her BIL is marrying another woman. She may not replace Caroljenn's sister in his heart, but she's definitely replacing her in his home and in his life. Of course that's painful for Caroljenn, and I think it's completely normal for her to feel that way.

 

:iagree:

 

:( I agree. It is sad. I really feel for Caroljenn.

[Word Nerd]

Of course that's painful for Caroljenn, and I think it's completely normal for her to feel that way.

 

I agree. And IIRC, everyone who's posted in this thread has said they understand that this is painful for her. No one has suggested that it is easy or that she should not be upset.

[Catwoman]

And IIRC, everyone who's posted in this thread has said they understand that this is painful for her. No one has suggested that it is easy or that she should not be upset.

 

:iagree:

 

I think everyone has tried to be very sympathetic and understanding. I'm just thinking that Caroljenn may not be ready to process the "happy ending" stories just yet. I know that eventually they will be helpful, but right now, she may just need people to assure her that her feelings of sorrow and resentment are perfectly normal, and that many of us would be feeling exactly the same way.

[readinmom]

My best friend of 25+ years lost her husband within 10 days of cancer diagnosis. It was very quick, not a lot of time for healing or resolutions. They did not have the best of marriages. We had spent many a day the previous 10 years looking for houses, new living arrangements. She always vowed never to marry again if she ever became single.

 

She married within the year. I never hear from her anymore. I realized that her new husband fulfilled the role of best friend/companion that I provided her with; one her previous husband never could.

 

I've realized that some people cannot handle being alone, not matter how great or how bad their previous relationship was. There is a void that the new person somehow fills and while it may seem inexplicable to us, it makes perfect sense for those involved.

 

I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister. I hope that things take a positive turn for you and your family. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

She married within the year. I never hear from her anymore. I realized that her new husband fulfilled the role of best friend/companion that I provided her with; one her previous husband never could.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm sorry you lost your friend when she remarried. :(

[edelweiss]

Maybe she's just having a busy Saturday and will pop back in later. I hope she does. She seems so nice, and I feel so badly for her, because I absolutely understand why she's so upset.

 

It's easy for any of us to tell her to play nicely with the new woman and not think of her as a replacement for her sister, but in reality, it's not so easy, and I can understand why she is feeling betrayed by her BIL and terribly disappointed in his behavior. Who would want to think that their sister could be so easily replaced? Who would want to imagine that their BIL is probably already having s*x with another woman, so recently after his wife's death?

 

Again, if we're going to be completely rational about it, the guy is entitled to do whatever he wants to do with his life, and if Caroljenn loves him and wants to maintain their close relationship, she will have to find a way to deal with the idea of a new woman in her BIL's life... but she's still so emotionally raw about her sister's sudden death, that I can't begin to think that she would even want to be particularly rational about it right now. And I can't imagine that there is any way in the world that she wouldn't think of the new woman as her sister's replacement, no matter what any of us may say about it -- her sister is gone, and her BIL is marrying another woman. She may not replace Caroljenn's sister in his heart, but she's definitely replacing her in his home and in his life. Of course that's painful for Caroljenn, and I think it's completely normal for her to feel that way.

 

 

:iagree: I would be very upset and I can understand why Caroljenn would be.

[Ohdanigirl]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I have been in similar shoes, if you need to talk. My brother passed away at the age of 27 from cancer. He was expected to live, but is no longer here with us. His high school sweet heart/my SIL looked like she wouldn't survive. She also started dating a couple months later, and was soon living with him, and talking marriage.

 

I was the first person in the family that she told. My response to her was congratulations and that she was not just my sister in law, but my sister. I am not saying it was an easy thing, but it really made our relationship stronger. I could tell afterward how much it meant to her. I don't think it means she loved my brother any less. In fact, I am sure she adored him, and loves him to this day. When she looks at my nephew, I often hear her say how much he is like my brother, or how having him around is like having bro by her side. (more to herself, than any one else)

 

Everyone deals with loss in different ways. Some people take longer, and others need a nudge to move on. I am sure my brother wanted his wife to live her life and be happy, and I will be willing to bet your sister wanted the same for the man she loved. As for your other question about what kind of women she may be. You will never know unless you take the time to get to know her. I know how hard it is, but ask yourself what your sister would want you to do.

 

HTH

 

Danielle

[tex-mex]

Or maybe she's an opportunistic woman who sees an emotionally distraught, financially secure man who is an easy target. :glare:

 

Sorry to be the cynic here, and I truly hope I am wrong, but I do think the OP should get to know the woman for her BIL's sake. I hope she is wonderful and caring, but she may also be looking for a meal ticket, and know that he's an easy mark because he's grieving the loss of his wife, is terribly lonely, and may not be thinking entirely rationally right now.

Totally agree.

 

In my previous post in this thread... FIL confessed to not truly loving the woman he just married. But due to the 15 year affair behind MIL's back, he realized he is emotionally attached to her being his caretaker. And quite frankly, MIL was miserable in her marriage to FIL but stayed loyal during the 50 year marriage.

 

FIL had a lot of regrets in his hasty actions after her death (i.e. not overcoming his agoraphobia and taking MIL on travels or cruises as she loved traveling and people) and he really was horrified to find out his son (my husband) was furious over the quick marriage 6 weeks after MIL died. We knew of the affair for many years. We wanted them to wait 'til at least 6 months for the estate to be settled and the children (now grown ups) were able to meet & allow the stepmom to enter the picture. FIL agreed he would have waited out of respect for his kids -- but told me why didn't I warn him? I told him I did many times, but he was too self-centered in his grief to see it. I feel like a therapist between these feuding family members. What a mess. :glare:

 

Many people remarry quickly after divorce or the death of a spouse and everything works out beautifully, but there are also many people who are taken advantage of by less than honorable people.

 

Personally, I think the BIL should check this woman out pretty thoroughly before he marries her -- and if the OP truly cares about her BIL, she may want to do a little checking on her own.

:iagree:

One of our concerns was that FIL do a pre-nup agreement or create the will/trust papers to grant the bulk of the estate to our SIL and only grandchild (my son). FIL agreed to the creation of a trust for SIL and his grandson willingly. I do not know if new stepmom has any idea of what FIL did legally. She has no control of the books and an outside accountant does the budget. DH has his name as co-signer on FIL's bank account and is co-executor of both trusts. DH also inherits a piece of luxury vacation real estate his mother promised to him before she passed on. FIL kept the promise in his will too as right now we do not want to inherit the real estate property as it is very expensive. She gets an allowance basically. But my FIL tends to be frugal and a penny pincher. :D

 

Again, I'm not saying this woman is the Spawn of Satan or anything, and she may turn out to be a great person, but the OP's BIL may not be at his best right now and it's very easy to be taken in by a show of kindness and compassion when he's at a point in his life where he really needs love and companionship.

 

Sorry to be the wet blanket.

:iagree:

Edited November 3, 2012 by tex-mex

[KungFuPanda]

I skipped ahead after about 4 pages BUT, part of me always feels a bit bad for these widows and widowers who remarry. The people who want them to be alone LONGER and are upset about their new relationship NEVER seem to be alone themselves. It's always married folks or people living in lively homes surrounded by family.

 

It was 8 MONTHS, not 8 days or 8 weeks. I'm guessing that can seem like an eternity in an empty house.

[Remudamom]

Try to think of it this way. Your sister was such a loving dear person and the marriage was so good that he wants to remarry. I've heard only unhappily married people never remarry. Your sister was obviously an outstanding, loving wife.

[tex-mex]

 

I think everyone has tried to be very sympathetic and understanding. I'm just thinking that Caroljenn may not be ready to process the "happy ending" stories just yet. I know that eventually they will be helpful, but right now, she may just need people to assure her that her feelings of sorrow and resentment are perfectly normal, and that many of us would be feeling exactly the same way.

 

BINGO.

 

This was my DH during the ending of his mother's life and after her death. He was raw emotionally. And then he had to be the parent and care for his father who emotionally was numb and alone. FIL was suicidal when he was by himself. He cannot take care of himself. My MIL took good care of his needs.

 

DH now is coming to terms with the fact his father needs a replacement partner (not necessarily love in FIL's case) who will be his caretaker in his old age. It was difficult for DH to get over what he saw as betrayal to his loving mother's memory. But now is trying to see his father's side of the picture. DH still refuses to speak or visit his father & stepmom... and I have to allow him the right to feel this way. It is his family. I play the part of peacemaker and avoid the whole drama by focusing on Grandfather and Grandson's relationship. My son understands the mess (he is 17 -- and sad to say his first reaction to new 50 year old Grand-stepmom was, "Oh. So, Gramps is now a Sugar Daddy?" :lol:) Ds and FIL have a good relationship and I tell ds to ignore the war between DH and Gramps. Ds needs to love his 75 year old Grampy no matter what. It is very hard tho'.

 

Try to think of it this way. Your sister was such a loving dear person and the marriage was so good that he wants to remarry. I've heard only unhappily married people never remarry. Your sister was obviously an outstanding, loving wife.

I look at it from the aspect of my MIL was totally awesome!!

 

I never as a DIL got to see her in this light until after her death.

 

After her death, the family skeletons came out of the closet... and up to her last minutes here on Earth... not once did I see MIL complain about her lot in life. She was a gem. Now that I realize how unhappy she was in her marriage to FIL but was long-suffering... makes me even more appreciative of what she went thru. How can I complain? She never did and make it look like she was happy and loving. Wow.

 

And the non-stop brutal pain she endured to her last minutes as cancer ate her body -- just makes me think again of how MIL never complained of the pain. She was kind and loving in her fight. Makes me want to rethink how I easily complain about my issues.

Edited November 3, 2012 by tex-mex

[mandymom]

I just wanted to share because I AM a woman who married a recent widower. We've been married 11 years.

 

My dh's first wife passed away in childbirth. I met him 6 weeks later. Neither of us were looking for someone to date, but we knew fairly quickly that God had meant us to be married. We were engaged 2 weeks later and we married 3 months after that.

 

His first wife was an amazing woman. I didn't know her, but I know how many people loved her (most importantly, my dh). It was so easy to see what an amazing husband he would be. 1) He had a wonderful woman who loved him, and 2) he had been an amazing husband to her. It's hard to put into words "how" it happened. We were looking for it to happen...it just did. I never once replaced her. He wasn't looking to replace her (and never once thought he could, anyway) and I didn't want to be a replacement.

 

It was hard on her family, but they were amazing too. They accepted me and my kids from the start. I have a closer relationship to HER parents than my own inlaws, and they call my children their grandchildren and me their DIL. Her sister lives only a few minutes from me, and we go to the same church. She and I are quite close as well, and her children call me "Aunt Mandy" and I consider them my niece and nephew. I view them no differently than my other nieces and nephews.

 

I know it is hard. I know it is. I'm guessing that your BIL's new love is quite aware too and has no desire to make you all feel any worse than you already do. I would very gently and lovingly caution you against deciding she is evil simply because she is involved with your BIL. It may simply be that she sees all the great things in him that your sister did. You might be missing a chance for a new relationship with her too. She will never replace your sister. Trust me, she doesn't want to. But you might come to love her AND still love your sister.

Edited November 3, 2012 by mandymom

[caroljenn]

Wow! Thank you so much Hive for all of your support! I truly appreciate all of your help and thoughts on the matter.

 

I had a long, tearful (on both sides) phone conversation with my BIL. I told him that this is all very fast, and that I would think that it was fast even if my sister had not just passed. 6 months isn't a very long time to know someone, after all. He said he understand my ambivalence, and he's okay with it, he just really wants me to be part of his life.

 

Which I am, and I will continue to be. It is just a very difficult situation- I think he's running from the reality of my sister's death and I think he thinks he will save this girl. She is 12 years younger than him, with a 14 yr old daughter (who hates BIL) and has been "platonically" living with her dd's bio dad all these years. I don't know if that's true or not (the platonic part) but it seems pretty Jerry Springerish to me. The bio dad is not happy about the situation, and he and the daughter seem to be a united front on the issue. On the flip side, BIL is a dedicated Christian man who has met and apparently been approved of, by new woman's parents and aunt and uncle. He asked her father for her hand in marriage and the father gave his blessing.

 

Part of my problem, as some astute members of the Hive have figured out, is that I have not, and may not ever, get over my sister's death. We were best friends, and her passing has left a huge hole in my life. Here is a little background info on me: I am the baby of a blended family of 4. I don't really talk to either one of my brothers, for various (valid) reasons, and my sister, who was 8 1/2years older, and I were very close. She and I shared a room the first10 years of my life, until she went away to college. I grew up, married a moron, and left him (after I got a call from his girlfriend) when I was 5 months pregnant. I left my husband Feb 10, my mom passed from cancer on April 21, and my daughter was born on June 20, all in 1997. Three years later, my dad died of a post-operative blood clot. My sister was my rock through it all, and we were really the only immediate family that either of us had left.

 

I was blessed blessed blessed when God sent hubby my way, and we have been together for 12 years. He has raised my daughter and is a wonderful husband and father. I was really thinking that I would be alone the rest of my life, my daughter, my dog and myself, and I did not go out looking for a new mate. I actually was set up to meet my husband by being invited to a party thrown to introduce us, completely without my knowledge. I am telling you this stuff to give you a picture of my mentality and how I live my life. I just assumed that I would go on with my life, alone, and that was the way it was.

 

Which is definitely part of the reason I understand mentally (kind of) that BIL needs someone. Needs someone to take care of, and needs someone to love. But I don't think that way, so it makes it weird to me- does that make sense? I'm more of a stand on my own two feet kind of girl, I guess. Although before, I was always standing on my own two feet with my sister to catch me if I fell...

 

I don't think I need therapy to get through this loss, I know it will take time. But I also think I will never fully recover from it, because she was so much a part of my life from early on. You expect to bury your parents, but not necessarily your siblings.

 

As for my BIL's new woman, I agree in many ways with Cat in that my first instinct is distrust. It seems so weird to me that a woman would go after a man whose wife had been dead for 2 months, but I don't understand women who have affairs with married men either. Aren't some things off limits? And the more I know, the weirder her situation seems. I think they are both running from their situations and think of each other as their savior.

 

I will continue to support BIL, I am hoping and praying that this really will be a wonderful thing for him. Fingers crossed! As for me, I will play nice so that I will be able to be a surrogate grandparent to my sister's grandchildren. She died before either one of her kids had a chance to have a child, and I want to be part of their lives.

 

Don't know if I can go to a wedding though...

 

Thanks again, Hive- :grouphug: