The teenagers that dashed our idealism support thread..........

[Joanne]

This thread is for homeschooling, or formerly homeschooling, moms who have lived or are living with a difficult teen.

 

This is the thread to be able to admit that we didn't end up quite where we wanted to with your teen (or teens). This is the thread where we can tell each other that there is NOT a straight line between our choices and their early adult outcome. This is the thread where we know that the choices we made early on (spanking/not spanking, screen time/no screen time, urban/off the grid, homeschooling/public school) don't offer a scripted trajectory to success/not.

 

This is NOT a safe thread for:

 

 

• Absolute parenting theory in which formulaic parenting = engaged, happy, productive kids.
   
  
• Moms who identify where we went wrong.
  

 

 

There are a lot of reasons my most challenging teen is "where he is" today. Nonetheless, I told him today that if it doesn't change dramatically, he's out on his birthday this year.

 

And I didn't feel guilty; I felt relieved.

[Just Another Jen]

Thank you for starting this thread. From my posting history I know most of you know that our 18 year old is in prison. I never imagined an outcome like this. I also am fairly confident in the fact that some people need to learn things the hard way and that suffering natural consequences for our behavior is a good thing.

 

 

Jen

[MooCow]

I so understand.

 

Without going into details that are both too private and painful to share, I felt relief this last time we "kicked" him out. I'm just so tired. So very, very weary.

[MooCow]

Thank you for starting this thread. From my posting history I know most of you know that our 18 year old is in prison. I never imagined an outcome like this. I also am fairly confident in the fact that some people need to learn things the hard way and that suffering natural consequences for our behavior is a good thing.

 

 

Jen

 

I pray for you and your son every single day. I wanted you to know that. :grouphug:

 

I have tons of "single mommy guilt" I'm trying to work out, and it's so hard, I don't see an end in sight, but I know the power of prayer and God.

[Just Another Jen]

I pray for you and your son every single day. I wanted you to know that. :grouphug:

 

I have tons of "single mommy guilt" I'm trying to work out, and it's so hard, I don't see an end in sight, but I know the power of prayer and God.

 

Thank you for that. I think we all have some sort of mommy guilt.

[Keniki]

:grouphug: to all of you. I have btdt. My story has a happy ending. I hope (for all of you) that yours will too. Sometimes, they just have to hit rock bottom.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Spryte]

May I belong here, too?

 

I have a challenging young adult. Very challenging. I agonize over how he ended up where he is today, and grieve for the boy I miss. He has severe mental health issues, and as a young adult there is very little we can do to help - he has to want to take his meds, work through his issues. Honestly, I'm not sure that our choices made much difference, this might have happened no matter what we chose.

 

He is not quite a teen anymore, and I am his stepmom, though I was a mom figure in his life starting at age 6. He lived with us, and I worked hard, hard, hard at being the best stepmom I could be - with a lot of peer support and counseling. He wasn't, however, homeschooled. We didn't have that option at the time.

[Anne in CA]

Yesterday dh was so angry with something our immature 24yo had done that he literally screamed. (she was in CA so she didn't hear him, lol) She doesn't live with us, but it is so hard to watch someone you love make such poor choices consistently. I was thinking that RC's ds and our dd could be a match made in heaven, lol.

 

Even today I am cleaning the house for a visit from dd and my 12yo asked me why because the 24yo will come in and make a huge mess. We will be glad to see her, it is just hard to keep your mouth shut when someone is 24 and wants to be treated like a grown up but refuses to support themselves or make logical decisions or do anything other than watch TV. Last year at Christmas she was upset that we did not buy her a laptop. I did not even have a laptop myself and all of us living at home were sharing a computer but she was angry we did not get her one.

 

The issue is: WE LOVE HER VERY MUCH. She doesn't have to make good decisions to earn our love, but she feels entitled to our respect and knows she doesn't have it and gets hurt.

[AmyontheFarm]

Do you have a chair for me in this group? Today I laid in my bed and honestly thought about giving her what she screams she wants. I looked at my husband and asked him why I wanted to be a mother. This is a sad day.

[justamouse]

 

And I didn't feel guilty; I felt relieved.

 

:grouphug:

 

I felt SO GUILTY that i felt relieved. When he was gone? We weren't in his prison anymore.

 

And I felt guilty for making my littles deal with him as long as they did.

 

There is no black and white, there is only mud. :C

[TravelingChris]

When I started homeschooling so many years ago, there were lots of articles of the kind Joanne mentions. Plug in A- get B. A is good homeschooling environment and strong Christian Faith and B is wonderful, succesful married adult happily raising next generation according to A. I never bought into that mainly because my mom thought she would have one life- one of wealth and privilege and ended up in a Siberian prison camp at age 16.

 

My oldest adult child I have already depicted in the other thread. We got through some very tough years, due to his illness, and now are happier than in years.

 

My second is trying to have B but is sick with a serious but yet undiagnosed illness and she isn't taking it well at times.

[JVA]

:bigear: A lurking, btdt mom.

[Denisemomof4]

 

There are a lot of reasons my most challenging teen is "where he is" today. Nonetheless, I told him today that if it doesn't change dramatically, he's out on his birthday this year.

 

And I didn't feel guilty; I felt relieved.

 

i COMPLETELY understand, Joanne.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: i can't share publicly right now.

[Janie Grace]

I'm not in your boat, but I hope it's okay if I post. I just wanted to say that moms like you, who have been honest enough to share your serious struggles with your kids, are the reason that I will not have to deal with the crushing disappointment/disillusionment I might otherwise experience someday. My kids are young. No one has rebelled yet. But outside of this forum, I am very much exposed to the "Do X, get Y" mentality. Thank you for saving me from that. I know I can't guarantee anything; I can only try my best, and make peace with the rest. If one/some of my kids make bad choices, yes -- I will grieve. But I do feel that you all will have helped me avoid some of the shock.

[ChristyB in TN]

I just love you all.

[fairfarmhand]

I'm not in your boat, but I hope it's okay if I post. I just wanted to say that moms like you, who have been honest enough to share your serious struggles with your kids, are the reason that I will not have to deal with the crushing disappointment/disillusionment I might otherwise experience someday. My kids are young. No one has rebelled yet. But outside of this forum, I am very much exposed to the "Do X, get Y" mentality. Thank you for saving me from that. I know I can't guarantee anything; I can only try my best, and make peace with the rest. If one/some of my kids make bad choices, yes -- I will grieve. But I do feel that you all will have helped me avoid some of the shock.

:iagree:

 

 

and :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to all of you.

[Susan in TN]

:grouphug: I know that you all are folks that I can come to if and when that time comes.

[butterflymommy]

Thanks for starting this thread. I don't want to go into much detail but I am still a bit shell shocked trying to come to terms with the present reality VS what I thought would transpire if I just plugged in A and B and provided a "nurturing environment." I really don't know what the future holds and I fear for him so much I can't sleep at night.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Pulling up my chair and offering hot chocolate and GF cupcakes to all.

 

My DH and I tried the Do A-Get B and it didn't quite turn out they way we hoped.

 

DD had a baby out of wedlock and is now living a life we had never anticipated. It has made all of our lives more difficult. None of those reality shows about teen pregnancy do justice to how teen pregnancy alters the entire family dynamic, not just the life of the pregnant teen.

[kroe1]

I don't belong here anymore.....or at least right now. I did want to stop in and give hope and hugs.

[thessa516]

Quietly joining this group. :grouphug:

[Unicorn.]

i COMPLETELY understand, Joanne.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: i can't share publicly right now.

 

:grouphug: to you and everybody else.

Thank you Joanne for starting this thread.

The thing that struck me the most in RC's thread was the comment about not walking on eggshells. I have two that are that way. Both of them are adhd and on meds, but it doesn't really help when they get home, because they wear off by then. And sometimes the meds make it worse anyway (the anger). Both of them are just like her son. They want the gold medal and the glory, and the high paying job, but don't want to work for it. And don't understand why we won't just give it to them. I feel so bad for their sister. All she has ever wanted is a peaceful house, and I can't give it to her. :crying:

[Catherine]

Same here. I think.

[brownie]

I always wonder if God gave me my Aspie so that I wouldn't be one of those obnoxious parents who think their little children are angels thanks to all their wonderful parenting skills. I know better now. My siblings and I were the plug in A (without too much effort on my parents' part or knowledge of what they were even doing) and get B. I thought it would be soooo easy.

 

Brownie

[SpecialClassical]

Thank you. One of my children is close friends with a formula parenting family who are held up as role models. It is very difficult not to feel judgement. We have 5 out-of-the-box kids and know that formulas do. Not. Work. Who knows how many times my heart will break and I will cry in the closet before they are all on their own?

[Nestof3]

:grouphug:

 

I have shared some of our difficulties, and right now, I am hoping he graduates in May, though I don't know how he will do this while planning a wedding and working more than full-time.

 

Our younger boys are more difficult now than he was at this age, so I am trying to brace myself.

 

Joanne, I'm sorry. I know you are going through so much.

[AKshanmar]

Our first was a stubborn little chick from day one. She made me realize right off the bat, that these little people are not created by me, I just get to be there, to do what I can. I know I'm not explaining that well, but it was a real eye-opener for me, when she was just a stubborn little toddler. Amazingly, today, she is a successful 20 year old, with good values, her own successful business and a dog! Yeah!

 

Our next kid always fit in. He was never embarrassing, rarely got in trouble, popular with adults and kids. When he was 17, he decided he hated us, and didn't believe in God. He pierced his tongue & ears, and moved out. As soon as he turned 18 he got 3 tattoos. He lived the fun life. Oh my word. I probably cried for a year straight. But you know, he has made some good choices lately. Decided to go to college, he calls me to help him with his homework. I think it is easier to have him gone, and not be responsible for every action he makes. It is nice to be able to guide them, but if they aren't listening, it is pointless to bang your head against the wall. It just hurts you.

 

Now we have another 17 year old boy. He is a piece of work. In high school, his teachers either LOVED him or HATED him, but he was buddies with the principal and all the other administrators. He has probably been pulled over by every cop in town, but rarely gets a ticket. He likes to chat with the police officers if he runs into them out in public! He will thank an outfitted military person for their service, but then ride around in a motorized wheelchair at Walmart purposely driving into things. He is charming and completely and totally exhausting. I can't get him to do the homeschool classes he is doing at home, but he has passed 3 college classes with A's. I'm secretly ready for him to move out!

 

I have one more, a almost 15 year old girl.... she and I have a good relationship, and she can "manage" her dad, way more than any of her siblings every could. We are just holding our breath!

 

Hang in there, but learn to let go and let them move on... When you leave the door open, they just might come back to visit.

[HS Mom in NC]

There are a lot of reasons my most challenging teen is "where he is" today. Nonetheless, I told him today that if it doesn't change dramatically, he's out on his birthday this year.

 

And I didn't feel guilty; I felt relieved.

 

 

I'd like to point out that many people who were difficult in that age range (teens and 20s) and eventually changed for the better often look back at times someone drew a hard line for them and followed through as a blessing in disguise. They didn't like it at the time, but they appreciated it later on. Some never grow to appreciate it, but that's a reflection on them, not on person who drew the line out of love.

 

I often wonder if people who promote formula parenting are only children. Anyone with a bunch of siblings knows different people from the same gene pool in the same situation can turn out very differently.

 

I have one on the verge right now. We'll see how it goes.

 

And what about people who grew up in all kinds of crazy messes who turn out to be lovely, admirable people? We have to be very careful not to send the, "You're condemned to be nothing better than you grew up with" message to them. I'm not saying parents can do irresponsible, immoral things without consequences to their kids, but formula parenting discounts the human spirit which is not so predictable.

[kalanamak]

Last year at Christmas she was upset that we did not buy her a laptop. I did not even have a laptop myself and all of us living at home were sharing a computer but she was angry we did not get her one.

 

 

We faced this with hubby's daughters. *I* didn't have a digital camera, a cell phone and a lap top, but all of their friends do, and there fore pressure was brought to spring for something I don't even indulge myself over.

 

They did grow up. Lucky for them I wasn't their mother, or they would have gotten the hysterical laughter I will give my son if he pulls that garbage on me.

[LG Gone Wild]

This thread is for homeschooling, or formerly homeschooling, moms who have lived or are living with a difficult teen.

 

This is the thread to be able to admit that we didn't end up quite where we wanted to with your teen (or teens). This is the thread where we can tell each other that there is NOT a straight line between our choices and their early adult outcome. This is the thread where we know that the choices we made early on (spanking/not spanking, screen time/no screen time, urban/off the grid, homeschooling/public school) don't offer a scripted trajectory to success/not.

 

This is NOT a safe thread for:

 

 

• Absolute parenting theory in which formulaic parenting = engaged, happy, productive kids.

   

• Moms who identify where we went wrong.

 

 

There are a lot of reasons my most challenging teen is "where he is" today. Nonetheless, I told him today that if it doesn't change dramatically, he's out on his birthday this year.

 

And I didn't feel guilty; I felt relieved.

 

 

Yeeeeaaaahhhhhh, I am not sure what the rest of the teenage years will look like for our immediate family but I have brothers who have not done well and are not doing well so I get it :crying: .

[Twigs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you all.

[Joanne]

I have one on the verge right now. We'll see how it goes.

 

.

 

Dude. Are we talking about the same 2 children we used to meet at parks so we could commiserate while they played?

 

We should have known then. ;)

[Pamela H in Texas]

I have only read the first few posts, but....

 

Do any of you wonder if something you did *did* cause or contribute to the issue?

This is even more important to me since I have 3 littles (and possibly more coming one day).

I want to fix whatever I've done wrong.

 

I *do* believe that we do the best we can and what our children do as older teens and adults is on THEIR shoulders.

I just do also believe that what we do or don't do can be part of the problem (or success).

[MooCow]

I have only read the first few posts, but....

 

Do any of you wonder if something you did *did* cause or contribute to the issue?

 

umm...yeah. every. single. day.

[Joanne]

I have only read the first few posts, but....

 

Do any of you wonder if something you did *did* cause or contribute to the issue?

This is even more important to me since I have 3 littles (and possibly more coming one day).

I want to fix whatever I've done wrong.

 

I *do* believe that we do the best we can and what our children do as older teens and adults is on THEIR shoulders.

I just do also believe that what we do or don't do can be part of the problem (or success).

 

Yes. But, you've known me and my parenting intentionality for years and years.

 

I'm glad that I have 2 other children; they aren't anything like the one that qualifies me for this thread. If I take the "blame" for him, can I take credit for them? ;)

[Rosie_0801]

I'm not in your boat, but I hope it's okay if I post. I just wanted to say that moms like you, who have been honest enough to share your serious struggles with your kids, are the reason that I will not have to deal with the crushing disappointment/disillusionment I might otherwise experience someday. My kids are young. No one has rebelled yet. But outside of this forum, I am very much exposed to the "Do X, get Y" mentality. Thank you for saving me from that. I know I can't guarantee anything; I can only try my best, and make peace with the rest. If one/some of my kids make bad choices, yes -- I will grieve. But I do feel that you all will have helped me avoid some of the shock.

 

 

:iagree:

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[AKshanmar]

There is no way anyone could do it all right. What is right for one kid is wrong for another. Even basic concepts of "spanking", "no spanking", "permissive", "controlling", can be completely negated by other things.

 

I have a friend who completely embraces unschooling. Her kids are allowed to do whatever they want to do, but they are expected to communicate with their parents what they are doing, but I can't think of anything that would be off limits. She has an amazing 20 year old son from this process, and then another one, who she says, just NEEDS to rebel, even though there is nothing to rebel against.

 

Another friend of mine, went from completely controlling with number 1, to very permissive with number 7. Number 1 & Number 7 are so similar at ages 27 & 17 you would hardly believe it.

 

Most important is loving them and talking to them. Give them respect, and expect respect from them. Share your values, so they know why they are your values, don't just demand they follow your rules. And be willing to apologize if you messed up. Because you will. They won't be perfect, either. There is no magic pill.

[TranquilMind]

This thread is for homeschooling, or formerly homeschooling, moms who have lived or are living with a difficult teen.

 

This is the thread to be able to admit that we didn't end up quite where we wanted to with your teen (or teens). This is the thread where we can tell each other that there is NOT a straight line between our choices and their early adult outcome. This is the thread where we know that the choices we made early on (spanking/not spanking, screen time/no screen time, urban/off the grid, homeschooling/public school) don't offer a scripted trajectory to success/not.

 

This is NOT a safe thread for:

 

• Absolute parenting theory in which formulaic parenting = engaged, happy, productive kids.
   
  
• Moms who identify where we went wrong.
  

There are a lot of reasons my most challenging teen is "where he is" today. Nonetheless, I told him today that if it doesn't change dramatically, he's out on his birthday this year.

 

And I didn't feel guilty; I felt relieved.

 

Parent of challenging teen here.

 

You know, I was just thinking about that "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he shall not depart from it" verse, someone mentioned in Rough Collie's thread. I'm pretty sure the "and when he is old" part is quite intentionally meaning that there will be some rough stuff between the training part and the not departing part. It isn't a straight line at all.

[Just Another Jen]

Yes. But, you've known me and my parenting intentionality for years and years.

 

I'm glad that I have 2 other children; they aren't anything like the one that qualifies me for this thread. If I take the "blame" for him, can I take credit for them? ;)

 

Exactly.

[TranquilMind]

AKshanmar: She has an amazing 20 year old son from this process, and then another one, who she says, just NEEDS to rebel, even though there is nothing to rebel against.

 

That's funny! I'm just imagining this kid, who can already do whatever he wants, rebelling..."Mom, I'm going to ....well, I don't know. When I figure out something that will bug you, I'm going to DO IT!"

 

Another friend of mine, went from completely controlling with number 1, to very permissive with number 7. Number 1 & Number 7 are so similar at ages 27 & 17 you would hardly believe it.

 

Now, that's really interesting. I only have two, so there isn't time for that level of permissiveness to happen, but I do realize that I'm much looser with number 2 than with the oldest.

 

Most important is loving them and talking to them. Give them respect, and expect respect from them. Share your values, so they know why they are your values, don't just demand they follow your rules. And be willing to apologize if you messed up. Because you will. They won't be perfect, either. There is no magic pill.

 

Wise words I should print out.

[TranquilMind]

I'm glad that I have 2 other children; they aren't anything like the one that qualifies me for this thread. If I take the "blame" for him, can I take credit for them? ;)

 

Yes! Yes, you can take credit wherever you can find a reason! You deserve it.:tongue_smilie:

[SonshineLearner]

I have issues :( I look back and wish that I had done things differently. I think that I expected the "formula" of "teaching to obey" would work well for me. I had nannied without spanking, and not much time out. I talked to them and explained things... and then just expected for them to cooperate.

Then came my own... for their own reasons, I should have stuck to time-out and talking with them. I tried spanking, time out, things that I just couldn't do it all consistently. For one of my kids they ended up being one of the most strong minded kid that I've ever known. For the other, they're ADHD and I could have beat them and they wouldn't have been able to do as I asked.

Bummer for me, guilt going both ways. And to think that I'm someone most would think is easy going and kind... My mom says I'm the only person she knows whose patience is a problem. (too patient)

My step-kids, to make things worse, were "near perfect"... In 11 years I probably timed out one of them 5 times. (Obviously now she's too old.... and... I don't think she's ever been grounded)

I've always told my husband that my daughter is erupting along the way, but hopefully it will all "off-gas" before she's an adult. My son... well, now that we've dealt with his ADHD issues, he's just the jewel that he's always been... but a bit calmer :)

I don't expect easy years ahead..... I've tried not to brace myself too hard, but I'm bracing. Parenting is hard. I use to joke that being a "Nana" first was best.... Too bad that it wasn't a joke.... Hoping for a few years from now, to be able to look back and smile.... Tenacity, right? :)

[texasmama]

Hi Joanne and everyone else. Remember me? :D

 

My oldest is 17 now and will graduate in May from private school. She is living mostly with her father at this point. I don't know that the majority of people in my life really understand the goodness of this arrangement - for her, for my littler kids and - God help me - for me.

 

She is from my first marriage, and I have guilt galore about so many things. I do have hope for our future, and it was a good day when I told her that it was really okay for her to live mostly at her dad's house and not with me and my family at this point in her life...and she accepted this. In many ways, I have let go of this child and fixed my attention on the others. Again, God help me. It is the very best I can do, though. We are a much more peaceful household when she is not here...and I believe that she is happier at her dad's house (where she is the only child).

 

Thanks for this thread. My heart is heavy if I think on it very much.:grouphug:

[Joanne]

I have issues :( I look back and wish that I had done things differently. I think that I expected the "formula" of "teaching to obey" would work well for me. I had nannied without spanking, and not much time out. I talked to them and explained things... and then just expected for them to cooperate.

Then came my own... for their own reasons, I should have stuck to time-out and talking with them. I tried spanking, time out, things that I just couldn't do it all consistently. For one of my kids they ended up being one of the most strong minded kid that I've ever known. ? :)

 

Listen to me:

 

Spanking/not spanking does not have any linear relationship to how they turn out.

 

It (or time out, or whatever) when they are little enough for it does not have that much of a determining factor in the people they become.

 

Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong and trying to sell a book or idea. ;)

[AndyJoy]

:grouphug:

 

I haven't btdt myself, but I've reassured and comforted my mom many times over my sister. It's heartbreaking to hear her pain and regrets as she tries to analyze what went wrong. I know it's helpful for her to hear my perspective sometimes as I was there too for her childhood/teenage years. I agonize over it myself and sometimes wonder about my own role as her older sister. But she is her own person who has chosen her own path and her own values, despite the wonderful (to me!) environment in which she was raised.

[Happy]

I've got frozen margaritas for those who want one. Chocolate for everyone else.

 

I've been a member of this club for several years. It's a HARD thing to live through...this parenting a rebellious young man.

 

Our oldest was a handful, angry at his birth mom and willing to take it out on many, from his earliest days. As a young adult we watched him dabble in scary drugs, live in his car for many weeks, and hang around with very unsavory people. It seemed if we had taught against something, he HAD to try it out.

 

A turning point for him was getting his girlfriend pregnant. She has become our beloved daughter in law and mom to THE CUTEST granddaugher EVER. My son adores his daughter and she adores him. Slowly but surely the love of two lovely ladies (wife and daughter) are turning him around. Decent job and a softer attitude. He will be 28 at Christmas...so, don't give up hope, Mamas. There be a light at the end of the long and scary tunnel--sometimes.

 

I spent many, many, many hours in tears, begging God to help this kid. I spent many, many, many minutes bitterly regretting I'd become a mom. Finally, I realized that I had done things well...as well as I knew how. We were concerned, involved, active, loving parents. We prayed and counseled and did our dead-level best to parent this child to manhood. Given the opportunity to re-live our lives, I'd have to say, based on the info I had AT THE TIME, I'd make exactly the same decisions again. If I got to transport some knowledge back with me, I'd change a few things.

 

Finally I quit beating myself black and blue over things I couldn't change. We've never quit on this boy. God willing, we never will. Is he easy? No. But I still have hope he will become more like the man his daddy is and like we dreamed he would be.

 

One of the best pieces of advice I got for this trying time of parenthood is 'keep them alive.' If they are alive, they have a chance to grow out of it. Can't tell you how many nights those words influenced our decisions. Oh...the advice? It came from a mom who's son died in sad circumstances.

[Barb_]

Hi Joanne,

 

I don't know if you remember our struggles with our oldest back in 09. I was a single mom turned college dropout when she was born and I realize now that I had entirely too much invested in proving I could raise her right. I yelled too much. If I am honest, I will admit I expected too much maturity from her at too early an age. At 15 she consciously decided she wasn't going to be the good girl anymore and completely flipped out. We almost didn't survive her leaving. I've since found out she was physically and emotionally abusive to her younger siblings; something the older ones are still recovering from. Once she moved out, she became ever more self absorbed, entitled, and rude. It kills me to know that I set her down on this path. Then in college she did almost everything she could do to cause grief to our family short of killing herself...and came terrifyingly close to doing that.

 

Honestly, this child grew up with love and trust, communication and kindness as well as high expectations. She was not an easy personality, however, and I was going through an intense anger-grieving process when I was pregnant with her. Who knows where my responsibility begins with it all? I love her and I'm happy to say that the worst seems to be over, but she isn't in the place I thought she'd be right now.

[bettyandbob]

Than you for this thread. There days/weeks/months I thought we weren't going to survive last year with my oldest. Sometimes I felt so awful with no hope I just wanted to be hit by a truck, but I thought about my younger two and how bad it was for them too.

 

Now, he is 1500 miles away. It is such a relief. He chose a military school. With all the requirements I know he's going to class, getting up, keeping a routine. I don't have to worry that he I'll get in trouble. Now, here's the part I feel guilty about: it is really good not to have him in the house. There is so much less stress. He did horrible things to every member of the family and even when he wasn't being awful things kind of revolved around not upsetting him.

 

He's so selfish. He's incredibly arrogant. He has an incredible sense of entitlement. His siblings are not like this at all.

 

He calls home now. I enjoy his calls. I think the distance has helped tremendously. He sounds like he's starting to really consider his future. We've still got a long way to go. I'm still proud of him. He's doing great things. He's amazingly intelligent. He's showing signs of growing up. But we really needed ths space.

[myfunnybunch]

I haven't had time to read the entire thread. I am heading out to my 17 y.o.'s counseling appointment right now and I reeaaalllly needed to read your post, Joanne.

 

I struggle with guilt over the things I didn't do. I struggle with guilt over the things I did do. I struggle with guilt for all the times she's threatened to leave the second she turns 18 and I have bitten my tongue to keep from saying that I can't wait.

 

Ugh.

 

I'll read this when I get home.

 

Cat

[jelbe5]

:grouphug:

 

Right there with you! Eldest (who is approaching 18 as every day goes by) had been warned. Happily, she is taking steps necessary to move into adulthood. We are not where I would like her to be just yet, but it is a step in the right direction.

 

And I also feel relieved. Yes, I have made a few mistakes, but I have always been willing to be supportive. But if young adult can't meet me in the middle then it is time to figure things out but without my philanthropy. School of hard knocks is sometimes the best teacher.