Women shaking hands - is this really etiquette?

[1bassoon]

So. This blog my 19yo dd follows had the following:

 

"When you are introduced to a man, it is your place to extend your hand. This is especially true in the Southeast, and it is considered rude for the man to extend his first. It is the lady's choice whether or not she wants to shake hands. While men grip tightly, palm to palm, a woman should extend her hand palm downward, and the man should take only her fingers in his hand and squeeze gently before releasing. "

 

It blew. Her. Mind.

 

Really? Is there some etiquette I missed???

[Mrs Mungo]

Hm. I am from Oklahoma, which I think is usually considered the southwest. It has been my experience that men who gently shake the hands of women tend to be on the misogynist side, so I don't like it.

[Mergath]

I've seen elderly women that shake hands this way, but never anyone under the age of, oh, seventy.

[Dory]

Really!? Well now all the dead fish handshakes I was getting when we were in the south make sense. Up here if person can't give you a firm handshake, male or female, than they often aren't really trusted. It was very disconcerting for me to have all these weak, wimpy feeling handshakes.

[1bassoon]

Yeah, then there's this statement:

 

"Society can only be enriched by practicing the specific manners and social graces of the past."

 

 

 

:glare:

[the4Rs]

I can't stand wimpy handshakes from anyone. Handshakes tell me a lot about a person.... I was always taught you look someone in the eye and use a firm grip when shaking hands. I don't care if you are a man or woman or where you live.

[regentrude]

I have never encountered this kind of handshake (maybe my fault, because I don't extend my hand palm downwards?). I would find it unpleasant and weird and would wonder what's wrong with the guy.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I was always taught that the woman does initiate the handshake. The type of handshake has always been like that of a man's.

[regentrude]

Yeah, then there's this statement:

 

"Society can only be enriched by practicing the specific manners and social graces of the past."

 

 

 

Seriously???

What sort of blog is she reading?

[1bassoon]

Seriously???

What sort of blog is she reading?

 

Sigh. Not gonna go there.

[8circles]

It has been my experience that men who gently shake the hands of women tend to be on the misogynist side, so I don't like it.

 

This too. Also, I don't like being touched as if I have cooties. Shake my hand or don't. Don't act as if there's something wrong with me.

[Ruby Rose]

I can't stand those kind of handshakes. Dead fish is the right word. I'm sure it's supposed to be feminine, but if you are going to shake my hand, shake it. Of course, I also believe women can be strong.

 

If I shake your hand it will be a firm hand shake with direct eye contact.

[Abigail4476]

Ugh! I hate wimpy handshakes. I'd rather a man HURT my hand than to get the dead fish. Blech.

[IsabelC]

Sounds extremely old-fashioned to me, possibly a hangover from the days when 'ladies' (and kings and bishops etc) got their hands kissed?

 

I understood that the correct modern etiquette is for women to extend their hands in exactly the same way as men. Of course a man should not give a crushing, "I'm-stronger-than-you" handshake to a woman, but then he shouldn't really be doing that to another man either. The grip should be just confidently firm.

Edited September 9, 2012 by Hotdrink

[justamouse]

I can't stand wimpy handshakes from anyone. Handshakes tell me a lot about a person.... I was always taught you look someone in the eye and use a firm grip when shaking hands. I don't care if you are a man or woman or where you live.

 

:iagree:

 

I hate fishy handshakes. And I've never had a man wait to shake my hand.

[SunnyDays]

I have never encountered this kind of handshake (maybe my fault, because I don't extend my hand palm downwards?). I would find it unpleasant and weird and would wonder what's wrong with the guy.

 

:iagree: This, exactly. I've always extended my hand and given a firm handshake. In the business world, I never thought much of anyone, man or woman, who gave the "dead fish" handshake.

[Paige]

I was always taught that the woman does initiate the handshake. The type of handshake has always been like that of a man's.

 

:iagree: That's what I was taught too.

[amey311]

I found the blog easily enough. I think the author might have good intentions (and some of her other "finishing school" posts aren't bad - basic table manners, polite conversation topics, etc - and might be useful for some people who've simply never intuited these things or need them spelled out more obviously. I have a kid who sometimes needs basic social "rules" explained to him), but I think that unless she's moving in circles that will all have either read this blog or who are getting "handshake lessons" elsewhere (is that something that gets covered in things like Cotillions or Coming Out parties?), she's going to end up meeting a bunch of men who have no idea what to do with her down turned hand other than try to grasp it oddly and turn it into a "regular" handshake.

 

Knowing the overall "theme" of the blog.... is this something that's trying to gain a revival in some Christian circles? I found myself wondering if the Bateses or the Duggars (two very public, traditionally CHristian families I could think of) use this kind of etiquette? Quick - someone start watching and make note of handshakes!

[IsabelC]

:iagree: This, exactly. I've always extended my hand and given a firm handshake. In the business world, I never thought much of anyone, man or woman, who gave the "dead fish" handshake.

 

I'm guessing that woman who shake like that aren't in the business world, unless you count charity balls.

[In the Rain]

I have encountered this type of handshake. I assumed it was a mistake, and didn't realize it was an accepted style of handshake. I learn something new here every day!

[Word Nerd]

I've had a few older men shake my hand that way before, but it's definitely not the norm. I was taught to shake hands firmly or else not bother.

Edited September 9, 2012 by WordGirl

[Liz CA]

Hm. I am from Oklahoma, which I think is usually considered the southwest. It has been my experience that men who gently shake the hands of women tend to be on the misogynist side, so I don't like it.

 

Agree. I cannot stand a wishy washy handshake. Shake like you mean it!

[QuirkyKidAcademy]

I was always taught that the woman does initiate the handshake. The type of handshake has always been like that of a man's.

 

Born and bred in the southeast (well, born in KC but I got to the South as soon as I could), and I agree with Jean. I cannot stand a dead-fish handshake, especially from a man.

[angela in ohio]

I was always taught that the woman does initiate the handshake. The type of handshake has always been like that of a man's.

 

Same here.

[DragonFaerie]

I was born and raised in the Southeast, too. The part about the lady initiating the handshake, if she so chooses, is true (and I'm not ashamed to say there have been times when I deliberately did NOT initiate a handshake). However, when we do want to shake hands, please shake our hand! Don't touch our fingertips as if we have cooties.

[Unicorn.]

I have encountered this type of handshake in Texas. I have had men grasp my hand in this manner. I assumed it was a mistake, and didn't realize it was an accepted style of handshake. I learn something new here every day!

 

I'm from TX, and we don't shake hands like that. I can't stand it when someone does that. Male or female.

[skeeterbug]

Did this thread make anyone else think of Pride & Prejudice? That moment where he takes her hand to help her up, and it was the first time they'd touched...sigh. :001_wub:

 

:leaving:

[EducationX2]

If a man tried to "shake my hand" like that, I'd probably stand there dumbfounded. :001_huh:

 

Of course, I hate being touched, and generally try to manipulate situations to avoid it as much as possible anyway, so what do I know about handshaking. :lol:

[Myeightkiddies]

I was born and raised in the SE, and I'd rather not shake anyone's hand in any style. :ack2: When I can't avoid it, though I try, I initiate. Men just look all dumbfounded. I can't tell if they are waiting for me to do it, or if they are just surprised a woman wants her hand shook. Most of the time they address primarily the man (of the couple) and shake his hand. This is mainly from the men raised in that area.

[Giraffe]

I was always taught to initiate the handshake and that the man shouldn't (born to a Southern family, raised all over the US). There have been times I don't want to shake (I'm sick, for instance) and I don't initiate. I've never had a man try to shake my hand in those instances so I always thought this was a common understanding. However, in those instances I am also giving nonverbal clues that I'm not shaking hands - holding my handbag with both hands, clasping them together, etc.

 

Another reason to let the woman initiate - some cultures disapprove of women touching "strange" men and those women definitely don't shake hands. Always good to err on the side of caution.

[BamaTanya]

Did this thread make anyone else think of Pride & Prejudice? That moment where he takes her hand to help her up, and it was the first time they'd touched...sigh. :001_wub:

 

:leaving:

 

:001_wub: Sigh . . .

[Pawz4me]

I've seen elderly women that shake hands this way, but never anyone under the age of, oh, seventy.

 

:iagree:

 

And IME it's common around here for middle-aged/younger men to initiate handshakes. I'd say I meet more who do than who wait for me to extend my hand (or not). Older men tend to wait for the woman to initiate a handshake or not.

[Plink]

I have never heard of anything like this - not the woman initiating, not the "extend hand as if thou art the queen," none of it. It sounds silly.

 

I also just realized that we don't shake hands much around here. It is a custom reserved for introductions to salesmen, old people, and unfamiliar people in a business setting. So, I guess I may not be the best judge.

[Ipsey]

I had a man shake my hand that way and I was of two minds:

1. he didn't want to actually touch me and thought I was dirty;

2. he was frightened by me.

 

I did not like it.

[Chris in VA]

I was always taught that the woman does initiate the handshake. The type of handshake has always been like that of a man's.

 

Yep--I'm from Ohio and my parents are from New England.

She goes first to the table when a couple is being "led" by the waitress, too. :001_smile:

[Parrothead]

Up until last week I was one of the wimpy women. The arthritis in my hands is now to a point that I prefer no one to shake hands with me in any form. I did the wimpy shake because of the arthritis, and still would have men attempt to grasp my hand and squeeze like they were trying to intimidate.

 

For all of you who despise the wimpy shake, keep in mind that many people like me may have one form of arthritis or another and handshaking is painful. Yet handshaking is the standard greeting in our society.

 

I've not had a pain free day since the funeral where all those people wanted to shake hands upon greeting us. I decided Saturday evening that I'm not shaking hands ever again. I have to figure out how to go about this gracefully. Especially since grace is something I"m sorely lacking.

 

I'm glad to read that women should be the ones to initiate. Now I have to wonder what happens when one woman meets another. If one initiates and the other refuses, how is that handled?

[IsabelC]

Just an idea, but if you meet somebody new and she extends her hand, you could take her hand in both of yours briefly while you smile and greet her. That way you're not rejecting the handshake, but you're not actually shaking either, as in she doesn't have the chance to hold tightly.

[Mama Geek]

How you shake a hand or don't shake a hand really is more of a sign of culture. Just like vocabulary that is used. I was working in Virginia and was talking to someone in Conn that was older and it was one of my 1st conversations with him. He called me either Sweetheart or Honey, I don't remember which, but I recognized that he was older and that he wasn't trying to be disrespectful. He was a designer and I was an engineer so it was a technical conversation and nothing but two people trying to get a job done. Most women would have been offended, but it really didn't bother me and actually made me smile.

[Kathryn]

Born and raised in the SE and I've never heard or encountered this, either the palm down thing or a woman offering her hand first. I don't think I've ever offered my hand first, yet I've received many, many handshakes from all ages of men here in the South.

[Night Elf]

I was born in the south and no one actually taught me how to shake a hand. I had to figure it out on my own and I'm not keen on it even now. I do grasp the full hand but it's just plain awkward. I've never heard that a woman should initiate the handshake.

 

And now I just realized I never taught my kids. I guess I need to do that.

[plath]

I can't stand when men shake my hand that way and it's happened often... To me, it makes me feel "less than" a man and makes me think they don't think much of equal women.

[The Girls' Mom]

"Dead fish" handshakes from women are common here. I told my dh once that it made me feel like the person thought I was gross and didn't want to touch me! lol. I have never noticed about the women having to go first. :confused:

[The Girls' Mom]

Up until last week I was one of the wimpy women. The arthritis in my hands is now to a point that I prefer no one to shake hands with me in any form. I did the wimpy shake because of the arthritis, and still would have men attempt to grasp my hand and squeeze like they were trying to intimidate.

 

For all of you who despise the wimpy shake, keep in mind that many people like me may have one form of arthritis or another and handshaking is painful. Yet handshaking is the standard greeting in our society.

 

I've not had a pain free day since the funeral where all those people wanted to shake hands upon greeting us. I decided Saturday evening that I'm not shaking hands ever again. I have to figure out how to go about this gracefully. Especially since grace is something I"m sorely lacking.

 

I'm glad to read that women should be the ones to initiate. Now I have to wonder what happens when one woman meets another. If one initiates and the other refuses, how is that handled?

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry. I will definitely keep that in mind from now on. :grouphug:

[ktgrok]

Hm. I am from Oklahoma, which I think is usually considered the southwest. It has been my experience that men who gently shake the hands of women tend to be on the misogynist side, so I don't like it.

 

Agreed. I did a lot of job inteviews where I used to work, and that limp handshake was usually an interview killer. It is old fashioned, and honestly creepy as heck.

 

Firm handshake is important.

[Just Beachy]

I can't stand when men shake my hand that way and it's happened often... To me, it makes me feel "less than" a man and makes me think they don't think much of equal women.

 

See, I don't think of it that way. I think of it as holding women in high esteem. The older men in church will shake my hand this way. It doesn't bother me. It is how they were raised and what they were taught as being polite and respectful. It has certainly never made me feel "less than" or anything like that.

 

BTW, the younger men will give a firm handshake, and that is what I prefer as well. In both cases, I extend my hand first.

 

:) Beachy

[elegantlion]

I'm guessing that woman who shake like that aren't in the business world, unless you count charity balls.

 

:iagree: I've did a lot of hand shaking in my time in the working world. Dead fish handshakes were not acceptable in business, No bone crushing handshakes either.

[Parrothead]

See, I don't think of it that way. I think of it as holding women in high esteem. The older men in church will shake my hand this way. It doesn't bother me. It is how they were raised and what they were taught as being polite and respectful. It has certainly never made me feel "less than" or anything like that.

 

BTW, the younger men will give a firm handshake, and that is what I prefer as well. In both cases, I extend my hand first.

 

:) Beachy

:iagree: I never got the less than feeling, but I often initiated the wimpy handshake. So I knew it wasn't a sign of less than.;)

[FaithManor]

Up until last week I was one of the wimpy women. The arthritis in my hands is now to a point that I prefer no one to shake hands with me in any form. I did the wimpy shake because of the arthritis, and still would have men attempt to grasp my hand and squeeze like they were trying to intimidate.

 

For all of you who despise the wimpy shake, keep in mind that many people like me may have one form of arthritis or another and handshaking is painful. Yet handshaking is the standard greeting in our society.

 

I've not had a pain free day since the funeral where all those people wanted to shake hands upon greeting us. I decided Saturday evening that I'm not shaking hands ever again. I have to figure out how to go about this gracefully. Especially since grace is something I"m sorely lacking.

 

I'm glad to read that women should be the ones to initiate. Now I have to wonder what happens when one woman meets another. If one initiates and the other refuses, how is that handled?

 

 

:grouphug: Try this...it worked way back in the 80's for me in college -well actually for several of us that had senior piano recitals coming up and could NOT get sick the week before the recital because the only way you could get the blasted things rescheduled for pretty much any reason and we didn't want to end up with some idiot doing the super squeeze on our hand right before performing.

 

Keep your hands clasped together behind your back when introduced to someone - it looks nicer than arms folded which is a gesture that seems a little stand off-ish, and when introduced, smile warmly, and nod your head slightly. Say, "So nice to meet you, or Thank you for coming," or whatever appropriate greeting pops into your head and keep the smile going.

 

I was introduced to a LOT of people the week prior to my recital and it worked. I doubt it would in a formal business setting unless you taped up your right hand - ace bandage or something. To be honest with you, given the amount of pain you have with your arthritis, there really isn't a problem with you choosing to wrap your wrist/hand when going into a social occasion that is populated by handshakers. People do not shake left-handed and you are under NO obligation to offer your left hand nor are you under any obligation to explain the nature of your injury. Just smile and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod.

 

Faith

[TN Mama]

I've never experienced a handshake from a man like this. I've had other women offer wimpy handshakes in the past, but very few.

 

Strange.

[Parrothead]

:iagree: I've did a lot of hand shaking in my time in the working world. Dead fish handshakes were not acceptable in business, No bone crushing handshakes either.

Unfortunately a lot of people (both men and women) didn't get the memo. :D