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Women shaking hands - is this really etiquette?


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:grouphug: Try this...it worked way back in the 80's for me in college -well actually for several of us that had senior piano recitals coming up and could NOT get sick the week before the recital because the only way you could get the blasted things rescheduled for pretty much any reason and we didn't want to end up with some idiot doing the super squeeze on our hand right before performing.

 

Keep your hands clasped together behind your back when introduced to someone - it looks nicer than arms folded which is a gesture that seems a little stand off-ish, and when introduced, smile warmly, and nod your head slightly. Say, "So nice to meet you, or Thank you for coming," or whatever appropriate greeting pops into your head and keep the smile going.

 

I was introduced to a LOT of people the week prior to my recital and it worked. I doubt it would in a formal business setting unless you taped up your right hand - ace bandage or something. To be honest with you, given the amount of pain you have with your arthritis, there really isn't a problem with you choosing to wrap your wrist/hand when going into a social occasion that is populated by handshakers. People do not shake left-handed and you are under NO obligation to offer your left hand nor are you under any obligation to explain the nature of your injury. Just smile and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod.

 

Faith

Thanks.

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:iagree: I never got the less than feeling, but I often initiated the wimpy handshake. So I knew it wasn't a sign of less than.;)

 

Chuckie, I think it is always good manners to follow the other person's lead. So if the person I'm shaking hands with seems to be squeezing very lightly I do the same, especially with those older than a certain age (not saying you are). My mom has bad arthritis in her hands, and I will too at somepoint, more than likely (already started in my mid thirties), so I do get it. I think just offering the tips of your fingers is a good way to send that message..many of the older ladies I've seen, with obviously arthritic hands, do that.

 

It is young men that give me a weak dead fish handshake when I'm not doing the same that creep me out. Totally different than the older folks at church, who manage to convey warmth and friendship in a handshake, no matter how lightly they squeeze.

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I found the blog easily enough. I think the author might have good intentions (and some of her other "finishing school" posts aren't bad - basic table manners, polite conversation topics, etc - and might be useful for some people who've simply never intuited these things or need them spelled out more obviously. I have a kid who sometimes needs basic social "rules" explained to him), but I think that unless she's moving in circles that will all have either read this blog or who are getting "handshake lessons" elsewhere (is that something that gets covered in things like Cotillions or Coming Out parties?), she's going to end up meeting a bunch of men who have no idea what to do with her down turned hand other than try to grasp it oddly and turn it into a "regular" handshake.

 

Knowing the overall "theme" of the blog.... is this something that's trying to gain a revival in some Christian circles? I found myself wondering if the Bateses or the Duggars (two very public, traditionally CHristian families I could think of) use this kind of etiquette? Quick - someone start watching and make note of handshakes!

 

My friends from college who were actual Southern Debs, and have impeccable manners, would never shake hands that way. I think this attitude towards handshaking has more to do with patriarchy and less with good manners.

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No needing to touch strangers, no germs. Lovely. We could use the Japanese bow, or even a simple head nod. Eye contact and a head nod seems sufficient to me.

 

I could get behind this as well.

 

Maybe something like an Obi-Wan Kenobi hand wave, or a Vulcan Live Long and Prosper sign, even the Howie Mandel knuckle bump.

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I am single and when I go out on dates with men I've met off the Internet or a blind date, I do offer my hand out for a handshake. Sounds weird but I do it. Maybe I am in the wrong to do it bc I have gotten confused looks but I'm not going to hug you...LOL

 

Anyways, the point I am trying to make is I thought the woman initiated the handshake. It better be a good handshake a couple of firm pumps and then break contact. I hate the dead fish handshake. I didn't realize that it could be taken as women are less than if we get the dead fish handshake from a man.

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I found the blog easily enough. I think the author might have good intentions (and some of her other "finishing school" posts aren't bad - basic table manners, polite conversation topics, etc - and might be useful for some people who've simply never intuited these things or need them spelled out more obviously. I have a kid who sometimes needs basic social "rules" explained to him), but I think that unless she's moving in circles that will all have either read this blog or who are getting "handshake lessons" elsewhere (is that something that gets covered in things like Cotillions or Coming Out parties?), she's going to end up meeting a bunch of men who have no idea what to do with her down turned hand other than try to grasp it oddly and turn it into a "regular" handshake.

 

Knowing the overall "theme" of the blog.... is this something that's trying to gain a revival in some Christian circles? I found myself wondering if the Bateses or the Duggars (two very public, traditionally CHristian families I could think of) use this kind of etiquette? Quick - someone start watching and make note of handshakes!

 

 

I've noticed that some (note I said "some" not "all") xian groups who push for patriarchy and such seem to be trying to bring back a lot of old fashioned ideas. (courting, shaking hands in old fashioned ways, etc.)

 

Unless you live only with other people who have read the blog how are they going to know what you are doing?! :confused:

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Well, I am a GA Gal and I was always taught to shake someone's hand first. Make eye contact, smile and shake firmly and confidently. Hate it when men have wimpy shakes, makes me feel like they are perverts that just want to hold my hand... now, I was also taught that if you shake and overpower the shake by your hand being on top (palm down) and firmly squeezing; that it can be considered over powering.

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I've had a few elderly men shake my hand that way. Now it makes sense! I thought it was rather strange at the time and figured something was wrong with their hand. I guess I have heard that a woman should initiate the handshake with a man. I've had quite a few men (usually older) shake dh's hand and not mine. Now that I think about it, they were probably waiting for me to extend my hand...and probably think I'm rude. :tongue_smilie:

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Boring. I like a handshake that ends with a back pounding. Just kidding.

 

My husband seems to have a lot of people he just witnessed scratching their behinds or male body parts (or whom he saw not wash their hands after using the toilet) or sneezing who then want to shake his hand. I kind of like the kissy kissy thing, but rarely actually want to do it with anyone.

Edited by stripe
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So. This blog my 19yo dd follows had the following:

 

"When you are introduced to a man, it is your place to extend your hand. This is especially true in the Southeast, and it is considered rude for the man to extend his first. It is the lady's choice whether or not she wants to shake hands. While men grip tightly, palm to palm, a woman should extend her hand palm downward, and the man should take only her fingers in his hand and squeeze gently before releasing. "

 

It blew. Her. Mind.

 

Really? Is there some etiquette I missed???

 

Haven't read all the replies, but I am from the South, and this is exactly the "rule" upon which I was raised.

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So. This blog my 19yo dd follows had the following:

 

"When you are introduced to a man, it is your place to extend your hand. This is especially true in the Southeast, and it is considered rude for the man to extend his first. It is the lady's choice whether or not she wants to shake hands.

I am from the SD and this is what I was taught was propper. I don't see many following it though.

While men grip tightly, palm to palm, a woman should extend her hand palm downward, and the man should take only her fingers in his hand and squeeze gently before releasing. "

Never heard of the palm downward and the man taking only the ladies finders in his hand. I have had enough painful hand shakes though that I would definitely welcome that one.:)

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am i the only one who gets creeped out by any kind of handshaking, especially with men?

 

i don't like to be touched and i have to psych myself up to shake hands. i do the firm handshake & eye-contact act, but i rarely initiate the contact. i try to maintain a body language of confidence and welcome that simultaneously says, "keep your distance".

 

touching some strange guy, no matter what the circumstance, makes me cringe inside.

 

it feels way too intimate to me and slightly disrespectful, though no offense is intended. quite the opposite, i know.

 

if a man shook my hands in a "genteel" manner, i would appreciate the gesture and recognition. it seems deferential, and i like that. it shows me that no threat is meant or taken, and that there is no jockeying or proving to be done.

 

to me, a woman extending her hand in a "queenly" fashion says "i greet you, i am your equal, i welcome our interchange, but i do not invite you further into my body space.

 

i am a militant feminist and don't subscribe to rules of patriarchy, religious or otherwise. i'm equal to men AND i find it presumptuous for a man to touch any part of my body. i don't think the two ideas exlude one another. i hate that to prove i am equal i'm supposed follow the traditions of male trust-building (no dagger up my sleeve) and submit to the (unwanted) touch of a strange man.

 

germs are another factor. yuck.

 

i prefer a meeting-of-eyes and nod-of-the-head. this seems so much more mutually respectful to me for all genders and ages.

 

many guys do this when passing me or meeting in a brief social setting, but i'm not sure how this gesture would be received in the business world.

 

thanks for posting this thread. it's an interesting concept.

 

ETA: born, raised, live in the northern midwest. 3 of 4 grandparents are from the southeast, though. wonder if that has any impact on our family's decorum????

Edited by CactusPair
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:lol:

 

I think this thread constitutes the longest I've ever thought about handshakes.

 

I don't mind handshakes. I don't have an opinion on firm handshakes, weak handshakes, or queenly handshakes.

 

People I know are really huggy. I may prefer a handshake if I had any say. :D

 

Never heard of the handshake the blog referenced and would feel really odd about initiating something like that!

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... no, you are not the only one who thinks hand-shaking is a bad idea. This isn't the 18th century anymore and most of us here aren't even men. I see no reason for shaking hands (agree with everything you said) and don't understand why this practice is still going on.

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:grouphug: Try this...it worked way back in the 80's for me in college -well actually for several of us that had senior piano recitals coming up and could NOT get sick the week before the recital because the only way you could get the blasted things rescheduled for pretty much any reason and we didn't want to end up with some idiot doing the super squeeze on our hand right before performing.

 

Keep your hands clasped together behind your back when introduced to someone - it looks nicer than arms folded which is a gesture that seems a little stand off-ish, and when introduced, smile warmly, and nod your head slightly. Say, "So nice to meet you, or Thank you for coming," or whatever appropriate greeting pops into your head and keep the smile going.

 

I was introduced to a LOT of people the week prior to my recital and it worked. I doubt it would in a formal business setting unless you taped up your right hand - ace bandage or something. To be honest with you, given the amount of pain you have with your arthritis, there really isn't a problem with you choosing to wrap your wrist/hand when going into a social occasion that is populated by handshakers. People do not shake left-handed and you are under NO obligation to offer your left hand nor are you under any obligation to explain the nature of your injury. Just smile and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod.

 

Faith

It is going to take practice. :001_rolleyes: A lady at church this Sunday tried to shake hands. I got flustered and forgot everything you told me. :blush: Since it was not a proper introduction, just a receiving line type thing on the way out the door. I didn't have to shake but rambled on about how badly my hands hurt. I must have apologized 6 times in the space of 10 seconds. :blushing:

 

We are going to have to have a WTM convention meet up and a set of talks on avoiding the common handshaking session. Can you see the schedule?

 

9:00-10:30 SWB seminar on Writing

 

10:45- noon Teach Chuck and Others How to Gracefully Avoid the Handshake.

 

Noon to 2p Lunch

 

:lol::lol:

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HA!

 

I really screw w/ppl.

 

I grasp their extended hand w/my left. It looks like I'm trying to get them to kiss the back of my hand, LOL! I simply cannot endure shaking hands. Screaming my fool head off b/c someone grasped my hand firmly is probably going to make a worse impression than the weird way I go about it now :lol:

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