Trying to pick my jaw up off the ground: brother's announcement

[Robin M]

My brother sent an email yesterday announcing he and his wife of 20 years have a new partner in the relationship. Yes a sister wife. This comes out of the blue and still trying to pick my jaw up off the ground. He didn't bother to sit down with my retired military catholic strict moral dad and let him know in advance. You can imagine the phone calls yesterday.

 

 

Part of what he said. The rest is too personal for a public forum

 

 

We are keenly aware that what we are doing is, to the say the least, unusual. We honestly don’t expect any of you to “get it” right away – you don’t know this person and you don’t know what we’ve already been through together. You have nothing but our word that she is a worthy person and that we are all happy together. But we would ask you to remember who WE are, and that our wisdom, stability and dedication to each other has been notable for over 20 years. We are still those people. And we would ask you to remember that this is not, in any way, about you. It is about our happiness and how we choose to live and we hope that you can respect that.

I'm all for unconditional love but this just seems a bit much. How do you handle something like this. He just switched careers and is head of a big financial company division. This could jeopardize his job as well.

 

My big thought is the 2nd announcement will be she's pregnant. I would have rather heard they have taken on a surrogate and she is living with them that the sister wife thing. Don't know why that would be easier to handle. Trying to be open minded but difficult.

 

Mind is officially boggled.

[lovinmomma]

My first reaction would be :001_huh: and :svengo:. However, I hope that my next reaction would be just to let them live the life they choose and love them for who they are. Sounds like what you are trying to do.

[Jennifer3141]

My brother sent an email yesterday announcing he and his wife of 20 years have a new partner in the relationship. Yes a sister wife. This comes out of the blue and still trying to pick my jaw up off the ground. He didn't bother to sit down with my retired military catholic strict moral dad and let him know in advance. You can imagine the phone calls yesterday.

 

I'm all for unconditional love but this just seems a bit much. How do you handle something like this. He just switched careers and is head of a big financial company division. This could jeopardize his job as well.

 

 

My handling of this would be to write these people out of my lives. A relationship like this is not something I would want my children to see or frankly, even myself. This is an inherently unequal relationship for the women involved and there is no place for this kind of thing in our lives.

 

But my DH would get several hours of laughter out of the entire idea. I would simply be irate.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Roman Catholic, check

Military Mindset Family, check

"Sister-Wives" surprises, check

 

There is some adjusting to do. Things will work out, just takes some time. One day at a time now....Good luck.

[LaxMom]

My first reaction would be :001_huh: and :svengo:. However, I hope that my next reaction would be just to let them live the life they choose and love them for who they are. Sounds like what you are trying to do.

 

Uh, yeah. That about sums it up. I think my :001_huh: and :svengo: phase would be kinda long, though.

 

Eta: not that I have any particular judgement either way about the marital relationships of others. Just that, wow, what a completely :001_huh: :svengo: email announcement.

Edited September 4, 2012 by MyCrazyHouse

[littlebug42]

While it was not family, we did have this situation in recent years with close friends of our family. I believe that God's will for me is to not pass judgment on other people. I am responsible for my own actions and for the way I live my life. The same is true of everyone else. What we each do is between us and God, no one else. It is just a new normal.

[Melinda in VT]

My handling of this would be to write these people out of my lives. A relationship like this is not something I would want my children to see or frankly, even myself. This is an inherently unequal relationship for the women involved and there is no place for this kind of thing in our lives.

 

But my DH would get several hours of laughter out of the entire idea. I would simply be irate.

 

About the bolded--it really depends. If this change comes from religious motivations, then I agree that I've never heard of religiously-motivated polygamy that wasn't inherently unequal for the women.

 

If they have decided they are polyamorous, then there may be equality.

 

:grouphug: I know how shocking these things can be. I have found it is possible for the shock to settle down and for a good relationship to remain, but it might take awhile.

[Caraway]

Did he actually use the term "sister wife"?

 

:svengo:

[Renthead Mommy]

I think the way your brother wrote that was beautiful and loving.

 

I think you should follow their advice and remember them and trust their instinks.

[RanchGirl]

My handling of this would be to write these people out of my lives. A relationship like this is not something I would want my children to see or frankly, even myself. This is an inherently unequal relationship for the women involved and there is no place for this kind of thing in our lives.

 

But my DH would get several hours of laughter out of the entire idea. I would simply be irate.

 

:iagree:It's just disgusting that women sign up for this garbage. I wouldn't have them around my kids anymore than I would have a known wife-beater spend time with our family.

[frugalmama]

I'd have no problem with it. Really, is there that much difference to most people between them taking on a surrogate and adding a sister wife? It all amounts to the same thing in my eyes.

 

Is there maybe a chance wife #1 was infertile or couldn't have children for some reason? I do know several couples who decided to take on a sister-wife because the wife couldn't bear children, they still loved each other very much, and wanted biological children.

[justLisa]

:iagree:It's just disgusting that women sign up for this garbage. I wouldn't have them around my kids anymore than I would have a known wife-beater spend time with our family.

 

Seriously? I'm sorry but I think someone beating a person is a little different :glare:

[Bang!Zoom!]

In one of the family arrangements that is close to me, the additional mother- does NOT live within a single combined household, is completely financially above board on her own and independent as it gets.

 

It's not the burden of the OP to give details out about the physical arrangements really..it's the emotional shock and worry for her brother and stability of the family as a whole that's the context of her post.

 

If you've never seen it, lived near it, or had something challenge your "normal" - it's quite the process to go through.

 

It's a very moment by moment and day by day experience; there's no calling how this will feel and be perceived in five, ten or twenty years. It's just day one of awareness.

[sparrow]

It will take time, but after the initial shock wears off, things will be OK. My in-laws have an "interesting" relationship. For a while, it seemed that was all dh and I could talk about. Now I often forget how interesting it is, because well, it's not us. It's their lives.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[justLisa]

It is definitely an odd way of living to me, but I don't think it's a reason to disown someone.

[frugalmama]

:iagree:It's just disgusting that women sign up for this garbage. I wouldn't have them around my kids anymore than I would have a known wife-beater spend time with our family.

 

I'd rather sign up for a loving family with two {or even more:D} wives than have kids dealing with a divorce, an exwife and a current wife. Or dealing with a father {Or mother for that matter} who was seeing someone on the side because they didn't want said divorce.

 

 

People can love more than one person at a time and for different reasons.

[GWOB]

That's quite the announcement! Wow. Sometimes I joke that I need a wife to do the cooking and cleaning for me, but mostly I just want a maid. It doesn't sound like that is what your brother and his wife/wives have. Is this a religion thing? Though I do not agree with that particular doctrine, I could respect that and probably not laugh too much. I would stay out of it if everyone seems happy and healthy in the relationship. And if I did have to see the happy trio, I would try really hard not to bust out in maniacal laughter.

 

:grouphug: Families are interesting.

[Bang!Zoom!]

You know Sparrow, since you have some experience with it..the most amazing thing for me as Auntie was watching how freaking big everything got around holiday time.

 

The family was already huge to begin with, but then..whoa..after little G came along and another entire family was blended in..wow...you have never SEEN such parties and gatherings. Enough to fill a football stadium!

 

I don't think that boy's feet touched the ground till he was ten. :)

 

People really can come together.

 

I don't recall anyone making a fuss or writing them off, kicking them out, disowning them or any type of shunning at all.

 

It was just a surprise was all really, it faded quickly.

[plath]

It is definitely an odd way of living to me, but I don't think it's a reason to disown someone.

 

:iagree:

[RanchGirl]

Seriously? I'm sorry but I think someone beating a person is a little different :glare:

 

yes seriously that is my opinion. I see your point that physical abuse is not the same, but I do think it's unfair to the women involved and sad for the children. The adults have a legal right to form a relationship like this (as do abused women have a right to stay/be in whatever relationship they want, extreme patriarchal families are legal too) but it's not an equal or healthy relationship, and it's sad for their kids to grow up that way.

 

Bottom line, in my opinion, it's a horrible way to treat women and I wouldn't want to be around it or expose my kids to it. If a relative announced he was doing this I would be repulsed and think much less of him. I wouldn't be inviting these nuts to Thanksgiving dinner.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

My open-mindedness would extend this far:

 

I would not comment. I wouldn't preach, or shun, or gossip within the family about them.

 

I wouldn't post passive-aggressive remarks on Facebook or in Grandma's hearing.

 

I would attend all state and formal family occasions, knowing and accepting that they'll be there, and treat them kindly at those events.

 

If we had a Christmas card-sending relationship I would continue it.

 

I would stick up for them when friends, family, and strangers had something to say.

 

What I could not do:

 

Embrace this lifestyle as if it were not against what I believe morally and what they themselves formerly professed.

 

Expose my children to their family arrangement as a regular thing, normalizing the option in my children's eyes.

 

Try to get relatives who are even less open-minded than myself to go against their own conscience.

 

From the tone of the excerpt from the letter, OP, they are prepared for the fact that not everybody is going to be able to embrace this. They probably expect some, especially those with children being raised with conservative Christian beliefs, to pull back a little, at least. For me, there would be a new distance to the relationship, but again I would certainly keep up the formalities of family and treat them well whenever I did see them.

 

I think they would be pleasantly surprised and contented it they could just be treated civilly and kindly while everybody sorts through their feelings. I would see that as enough of a goal, for starters, and try to help the extended family toward that end as much I could.

[Oakblossoms]

I love how he thought he could do it by email:tongue_smilie:

 

Just repeat...not my life...not my life...not my life...thank God that is not my life:grouphug:

[SitLongTalkMuch]

It is definitely an odd way of living to me, but I don't think it's a reason to disown someone.

 

:iagree:

[sparrow]

You know Sparrow, since you have some experience with it..the most amazing thing for me as Auntie was watching how freaking big everything got around holiday time.

 

The family was already huge to begin with, but then..whoa..after little G came along and another entire family was blended in..wow...you have never SEEN such parties and gatherings. Enough to fill a football stadium!

 

I don't think that boy's feet touched the ground till he was ten. :)

 

People really can come together.

 

I don't recall anyone making a fuss or writing them off, kicking them out, disowning them or any type of shunning at all.

 

It was just a surprise was all really, it faded quickly.

 

Oh, I wish ours was more like that! In our case, this was a later in life arrangement.

[justLisa]

yes seriously that is my opinion. I see your point that physical abuse is not the same, but I do think it's unfair to the women involved and sad for the children. The adults have a legal right to form a relationship like this (as do abused women have a right to stay/be in whatever relationship they want, extreme patriarchal families are legal too) but it's not an equal or healthy relationship, and it's sad for their kids to grow up that way.

 

Bottom line, in my opinion, it's a horrible way to treat women and I wouldn't want to be around it or expose my kids to it. If a relative announced he was doing this I would be repulsed and think much less of him. I wouldn't be inviting these nuts to Thanksgiving dinner.

 

Wow. Women have the "right" to stay in an abusive relationship? I am sure they see it that way. Wow.

[ezrabean2005]

yes seriously that is my opinion. I see your point that physical abuse is not the same, but I do think it's unfair to the women involved and sad for the children. The adults have a legal right to form a relationship like this (as do abused women have a right to stay/be in whatever relationship they want, extreme patriarchal families are legal too) but it's not an equal or healthy relationship, and it's sad for their kids to grow up that way.

 

Bottom line, in my opinion, it's a horrible way to treat women and I wouldn't want to be around it or expose my kids to it. If a relative announced he was doing this I would be repulsed and think much less of him. I wouldn't be inviting these nuts to Thanksgiving dinner.

 

My thought is that the wife also wanted the additional wife to be a part of their relationship. In which case, it was her choice too. So it wouldn't be unfair.

[FaithManor]

My open-mindedness would extend this far:

 

I would not comment. I wouldn't preach, or shun, or gossip within the family about them.

 

I wouldn't post passive-aggressive remarks on Facebook or in Grandma's hearing.

 

I would attend all state and formal family occasions, knowing and accepting that they'll be there, and treat them kindly at those events.

 

If we had a Christmas card-sending relationship I would continue it.

 

I would stick up for them when friends, family, and strangers had something to say.

 

What I could not do:

 

Embrace this lifestyle as if it were not against what I believe morally and what they themselves formerly professed.

 

Expose my children to their family arrangement as a regular thing, normalizing the option in my children's eyes.

 

Try to get relatives who are even less open-minded than myself to go against their own conscience.

 

From the tone of the excerpt from the letter, OP, they are prepared for the fact that not everybody is going to be able to embrace this. They probably expect some, especially those with children being raised with conservative Christian beliefs, to pull back a little, at least. For me, there would be a new distance to the relationship, but again I would certainly keep up the formalities of family and treat them well whenever I did see them.

 

I think they would be pleasantly surprised and contented it they could just be treated civilly and kindly while everybody sorts through their feelings. I would see that as enough of a goal, for starters, and try to help the extended family toward that end as much I could.

 

:iagree: I should just follow Tibbie around carrying this sign! This is exactly how I feel.

 

Announcement by email is less than ideal to say the least.

 

I would also really have a hard time trying to decide what "sister wife" was supposed to be called in relation to my children. She would not be an aunt by our code book and I would be unwilling to have the children address her in such manner. Frankly, I'd probably just have to sit them down and explain that uncle X has a wife and a girlfriend and that though we feel it is immoral, Christian decorum dictates that we be cordial/friendly and they may call her Miss X or by her first name. I would monitor conversations with their cousins to see to it that inappropriate topics not be chattered about. Thus, the relationship would probably end up being something along the lines of small talk, "How have you been? What's the weather like?" for two hrs. on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter and that would be just about that.

 

However, it really isn't any worse than the fact that dh's brother married an absolutely miserable woman who is positively hateful to people's faces and is not a healthy person to have around children. So, though he is a "one wife" dude, the most our kids see uncle X is for two hrs. once per year when he journeys this direction without her to have coffee and chat with dh. Same kind of family/political crud...making healthy boundaries according to your best instincts and personal beliefs, and then trying to find a way of enforcing them while causing the least amount of drama.

 

Never easy, ever!

 

Faith

[Denisemomof4]

:001_huh:

I would say nothing. You need time to marinade in this.

 

I don't know what else to say.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[elegantlion]

My thought is that the wife also wanted the additional wife to be a part of their relationship. In which case, it was her choice too. So it wouldn't be unfair.

 

:iagree: If they've been married 20 years then they are probably 40ish at the youngest. Unless there is a history of abuse, I can see it being a mutual decision.

[NorthwestMom]

I consider myself an open-minded person and I objectively believe that whatever consenting adults want to do, as long as no one is harmed, is their own business and no concern of mine.

 

In honesty, some friends have opened their marital relationship and, while under my stated belief system I should have no problem with that, I DO feel uncomfortable with it. I keep that to myself.

 

What complexity this has added to your family relationships! Good luck sorting it all out.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Plucky]

Do you see them much? My step-sister had a quad marriage. Since we live in different states it didn't matter much. I know that she hurt a lot when the quad marriage and then her own marriage ended.

 

Having one husband is enough for me. Relationships are hard enough without making it more complicated by adding others, plus I have watched Sister Wives. :lol:

[Aelwydd]

My handling of this would be to write these people out of my lives. A relationship like this is not something I would want my children to see or frankly, even myself. This is an inherently unequal relationship for the women involved and there is no place for this kind of thing in our lives.

 

But my DH would get several hours of laughter out of the entire idea. I would simply be irate.

 

 

I think it would depend, Jennifer. If it's religiously motivated, yeah, odds are its an inequal relationship. If it's the type of relationship I've seen modeled by some friends where each person had a separate and equal relationship with each other and attraction to each other, then I don't think it's automatically a bad thing, or harmful for kids.

[Plucky]

I think it would depend, Jennifer. If it's religiously motivated, yeah, odds are its an inequal relationship. If it's the type of relationship I've seen modeled by some friends where each person had a separate and equal relationship with each other and attraction to each other, then I don't think it's automatically a bad thing, or harmful for kids.

 

Being a little too open and anything goes though can reduce one's instincts. My father had an open marriage and both my sisters were molested. We also had dinner with a pedophile when we were kids and my stepmom knew about it.

[Entropymama]

Do you see them much? My step-sister had a quad marriage. Since we live in different states it didn't matter much. I know that she hurt a lot when the quad marriage and then her own marriage ended.

 

Having one husband is enough for me. Relationships are hard enough without making it more complicated by adding others, plus I have watched Sister Wives. :lol:

 

This I haven't heard of. Is this two wives and two husbands? How do they sort it all out? :confused: Makes my head spin. I agree, one husband is plenty for me!

[Plucky]

This I haven't heard of. Is this two wives and two husbands? How do they sort it all out? :confused: Makes my head spin. I agree, one husband is plenty for me!

 

It was new for me, too. It's 2 married couples joining together as 1. There was a young child involved as well.

[Catwoman]

Personally, I would be pretty annoyed to learn something this momentous in an email. :glare:

 

My response to him would probably be to wish him all the best, and to request that the next time he wanted to tell me something that would qualify him for a reality show on TLC, that perhaps he might want to do it in person, or at least over the phone. :angry:

 

I can't relate to the sister wives thing at all, but if you love your brother, tell him that you still love him, and that you want him to be happy. If you object to his lifestyle, there's no reason why you can't say that, as well. If you think you will have a hard time getting used to the idea of him having two wives, again, just say it. But I think you should also say that you'll try your best to accept his new life, because ultimately, it is his life, and he's going to live it any way he wants to live it, anyway.

 

I have to admit that I was expecting you to say that your brother came out as gay or something. The sister wives thing was quite a shock!

[stripe]

I think it would depend, Jennifer. If it's religiously motivated, yeah, odds are its an inequal relationship. If it's the type of relationship I've seen modeled by some friends where each person had a separate and equal relationship with each other and attraction to each other, then I don't think it's automatically a bad thing, or harmful for kids.

 

I am not a fan of polygamy, frankly, but I think people can be thoughtful about their choices AND be religious at the same time.

 

There are situations where women benefit from this arrangement. I saw this discussed in freakanomics or something. From an economic standpoint, it allows the "best" men to have multiple wives. As they said, I think, most women would rather be the second wife of JFK than the first wife of Bozo the Clown. Unfortunately in my experience, women don't hold out for the best men; they go with total losers.

 

The email announcement is...not the right way.

[Pink Fairy]

Gross. And that was extra klassy to share it in an email.

[kalanamak]

The first thing I'd think is the old saying: The bonds of marriage are so heavy it takes 2 to carry them, and sometimes three.

 

The next thing I'd think is: better you than me, kid, it sounds exhausting.

[Melinda in VT]

In defense of the email method: sometimes it is the best way to communicate something to many people at the same time, so you can be sure that everyone hears it from you first and not through the grapevine.

 

It can also give people time to get over their initial shock that the follow-up conversations (in person or on the phone) can be more productive and peaceful.

[laughing lioness]

Mind is officially boggled.

 

Yep.

[angela in ohio]

My first reaction? His poor wife. I think being dumped during a mid-life crisis would have to be better, but apparently she is willing to put up with anything to keep him. :001_huh:

 

I suppose it's possible she is hunky-dory with it, or she initiated it, but from what I've seen of 20-year marriages and the men in them in the past decade or so, that's not likely.

Edited September 4, 2012 by angela in ohio

[ocelotmom]

Being a little too open and anything goes though can reduce one's instincts. My father had an open marriage and both my sisters were molested. We also had dinner with a pedophile when we were kids and my stepmom knew about it.

 

Please keep in mind that there are people on these boards who have open relationships. This is not hypothesis - I could name individuals (but have no desire to interfere with anyone's privacy).

 

Equating open relationships with child molestation is exceptionally insulting to these people, who I know to be dedicated, loving parents who would never knowingly place their child in such a situation. Most people that I know who practice non-religiously-motivated/non-patriarchal polyamory tend to have very strong (if not mainstream) ethics and feelings about consent.

 

I'm sorry you had that experience, but this is an incredibly hurtful and potentially dangerous generalization.

[Mommyfaithe]

I'd be annoyed at the email thing and he may have ended up with a good smack in the head. I understand crazy relationships and all....but, a phone call, at least, would have been in order.

 

I think as far as relationship goes, I would keep my thoughts to myself, and my husband...and probably my kids since I would be ranting like a lunatic for weeks about it.....then I would probably just settle down and let things take their course. In the long run, It is their life, they need to live how they best see fit....and if that means you turn down the Invite to Christmas dinner, then they will just have to suck it up and not pass judgement on you.

[kalanamak]

In defense of the email method: sometimes it is the best way to communicate something to many people at the same time, so you can be sure that everyone hears it from you first and not through the grapevine.

 

It can also give people time to get over their initial shock that the follow-up conversations (in person or on the phone) can be more productive and peaceful.

 

:iagree: I'd hate that sprung in a group, I'd be unhappy if I was "the last to know", and when I got a divorce I wrote a simple letter to everyone we knew. I didn't get one peep of reply. People don't write letters anymore.

[PrincessMommy]

My open-mindedness would extend this far:

 

I would not comment. I wouldn't preach, or shun, or gossip within the family about them.

 

I wouldn't post passive-aggressive remarks on Facebook or in Grandma's hearing.

 

I would attend all state and formal family occasions, knowing and accepting that they'll be there, and treat them kindly at those events.

 

If we had a Christmas card-sending relationship I would continue it.

 

I would stick up for them when friends, family, and strangers had something to say.

 

What I could not do:

 

Embrace this lifestyle as if it were not against what I believe morally and what they themselves formerly professed.

 

Expose my children to their family arrangement as a regular thing, normalizing the option in my children's eyes.

 

Try to get relatives who are even less open-minded than myself to go against their own conscience.

 

From the tone of the excerpt from the letter, OP, they are prepared for the fact that not everybody is going to be able to embrace this. They probably expect some, especially those with children being raised with conservative Christian beliefs, to pull back a little, at least. For me, there would be a new distance to the relationship, but again I would certainly keep up the formalities of family and treat them well whenever I did see them.

 

I think they would be pleasantly surprised and contented it they could just be treated civilly and kindly while everybody sorts through their feelings. I would see that as enough of a goal, for starters, and try to help the extended family toward that end as much I could.

 

I agree. ... although I *know* I'd need a long time to process this and I'd probably want to process by talking with someone ;) I would also be concerned for the children.

 

but I wanted to add that I also think it's pretty cowardly for him to do this via email... especially to his parents. It's not very manly.

[Kim in Appalachia]

My open-mindedness would extend this far:

 

I would not comment. I wouldn't preach, or shun, or gossip within the family about them.

 

I wouldn't post passive-aggressive remarks on Facebook or in Grandma's hearing.

 

I would attend all state and formal family occasions, knowing and accepting that they'll be there, and treat them kindly at those events.

 

If we had a Christmas card-sending relationship I would continue it.

 

I would stick up for them when friends, family, and strangers had something to say.

 

What I could not do:

 

Embrace this lifestyle as if it were not against what I believe morally and what they themselves formerly professed.

 

Expose my children to their family arrangement as a regular thing, normalizing the option in my children's eyes.

 

Try to get relatives who are even less open-minded than myself to go against their own conscience.

 

From the tone of the excerpt from the letter, OP, they are prepared for the fact that not everybody is going to be able to embrace this. They probably expect some, especially those with children being raised with conservative Christian beliefs, to pull back a little, at least. For me, there would be a new distance to the relationship, but again I would certainly keep up the formalities of family and treat them well whenever I did see them.

 

I think they would be pleasantly surprised and contented it they could just be treated civilly and kindly while everybody sorts through their feelings. I would see that as enough of a goal, for starters, and try to help the extended family toward that end as much I could.

 

 

:iagree:

 

This is really the best response. Honestly, I would be so shocked that I wouldn't be able to respond for a while. My extended family includes some unusual life style choices, but not that unusual! It would take me some time. I could never except it, and I would feel badly for his original wife. I can't imagine what she's been through or what brought her to accepting this!

[Bang!Zoom!]

There's nothing I see that's cowardly about an email, not at all. I think it's a very brilliant move actually...

 

Now if you were a recipient of this email, and weren't able to contact via phone or in person - uh..that'd be saying something.

 

If I were in full agreement as the other "wife/mother" what have you, and loved this other woman in whatever understanding emotional way they have...would I really want to put her in the position of being in physical reach of people that may have highly violent, hateful and/or passionate reactions while pregnant?

 

Uh. No. I wouldn't.

 

I wouldn't trust the other not to physically attack her, especially while pregnant. This has to be really hard for her, all hepped up on the emotional waves of pregnancy and having to go forward and putting your personal business in front of the whole world.

 

I have a lot of sympathy for her, and all of them. I think emailing was a protective gesture, and shows care.

[Renthead Mommy]

In defense of the email method: sometimes it is the best way to communicate something to many people at the same time, so you can be sure that everyone hears it from you first and not through the grapevine.

 

It can also give people time to get over their initial shock that the follow-up conversations (in person or on the phone) can be more productive and peaceful.

 

This is exactly what I was going to say. In this case, email was probably the best way to go. Unless he was going to get you all in a room together and announce it to all of you at the same time, this was the best option.

 

You all found out from him.

 

You all had time to process it before talking to him.

 

You all can then talk to him indepently, not all at once and not all spewing the first thing that comes out of your mouth at him, possibly creating an even more emotional moment.

[Annie G]

In defense of the email method: sometimes it is the best way to communicate something to many people at the same time, so you can be sure that everyone hears it from you first and not through the grapevine.

 

It can also give people time to get over their initial shock that the follow-up conversations (in person or on the phone) can be more productive and peaceful.

 

:iagree:

It gives you time to think about how you feel about it. A phone call kind of requires that you say something right then. And that something might just be something that you'd rather have said more kindly.