Trying to pick my jaw up off the ground: brother's announcement

[Excelsior! Academy]

My open-mindedness would extend this far:

 

I would not comment. I wouldn't preach, or shun, or gossip within the family about them.

 

I wouldn't post passive-aggressive remarks on Facebook or in Grandma's hearing.

 

I would attend all state and formal family occasions, knowing and accepting that they'll be there, and treat them kindly at those events.

 

If we had a Christmas card-sending relationship I would continue it.

 

I would stick up for them when friends, family, and strangers had something to say.

 

What I could not do:

 

Embrace this lifestyle as if it were not against what I believe morally and what they themselves formerly professed.

 

Expose my children to their family arrangement as a regular thing, normalizing the option in my children's eyes.

 

Try to get relatives who are even less open-minded than myself to go against their own conscience.

 

From the tone of the excerpt from the letter, OP, they are prepared for the fact that not everybody is going to be able to embrace this. They probably expect some, especially those with children being raised with conservative Christian beliefs, to pull back a little, at least. For me, there would be a new distance to the relationship, but again I would certainly keep up the formalities of family and treat them well whenever I did see them.

 

I think they would be pleasantly surprised and contented it they could just be treated civilly and kindly while everybody sorts through their feelings. I would see that as enough of a goal, for starters, and try to help the extended family toward that end as much I could.

:agree

 

 

I love how he thought he could do it by email:tongue_smilie:

 

Just repeat...not my life...not my life...not my life...thank God that is not my life:grouphug:

:iagree:

[Plucky]

Please keep in mind that there are people on these boards who have open relationships. This is not hypothesis - I could name individuals (but have no desire to interfere with anyone's privacy).

 

Equating open relationships with child molestation is exceptionally insulting to these people, who I know to be dedicated, loving parents who would never knowingly place their child in such a situation. Most people that I know who practice non-religiously-motivated/non-patriarchal polyamory tend to have very strong (if not mainstream) ethics and feelings about consent.

 

I'm sorry you had that experience, but this is an incredibly hurtful and potentially dangerous generalization.

 

I don't agree. I think it is something people need to consider when they enter that kind of lifestyle. My experiences I've shared are not the only ones I have seen.

[PrincessMommy]

There's nothing I see that's cowardly about an email, not at all. I think it's a very brilliant move actually...

 

Now if you were a recipient of this email, and weren't able to contact via phone or in person - uh..that'd be saying something.

 

If I were in full agreement as the other "wife/mother" what have you, and loved this other woman in whatever understanding emotional way they have...would I really want to put her in the position of being in physical reach of people that may have highly violent, hateful and/or passionate reactions while pregnant?

 

Uh. No. I wouldn't.

 

I wouldn't trust the other not to physically attack her, especially while pregnant. This has to be really hard for her, all hepped up on the emotional waves of pregnancy and having to go forward and putting your personal business in front of the whole world.

 

I have a lot of sympathy for her, and all of them. I think emailing was a protective gesture, and shows care.

 

Well.. I don't think the whole family should go to this meeting. Just a meeting between the son and his dad/parents. I think there are some things that should be done in person.

[catz]

I might have reacted differently to a post like this a couple years ago. Some friends of ours (single gender couple) added a 3rd adult (opposite gender) to their family a couple years ago. They had children before the 3rd adult came into it. We live close to each other and our kids play together all the time.

 

Honestly, I still think it's odd, and it would definitely never be my thing. But these are all 3 strong adults, they all definitely went into it freely and willingly. Their kids are parented better than many kids I know. They make parenting decisions I wouldn't make. But their parenting decisions are consistent and thoughtfully made. My kids are not bothered by their arrangement at all. They know it's unusual, but it's theirs.

 

Anyway, I totally get how this would definitely be harder navigating with a family member, but it doesn't necessarily have to be the end of a relationship with them. That would be quite the shocking e-mail to get!

[xixstar]

My responsE would be: "I am glad you and SIL are happy and I look forward to meeting [new woman's name]."

[stripe]

If I were in full agreement as the other "wife/mother" what have you, and loved this other woman in whatever understanding emotional way they have...would I really want to put her in the position of being in physical reach of people that may have highly violent, hateful and/or passionate reactions while pregnant?

 

Uh. No. I wouldn't.

 

I wouldn't trust the other not to physically attack her, especially while pregnant. This has to be really hard for her, all hepped up on the emotional waves of pregnancy and having to go forward and putting your personal business in front of the whole world.

 

 

I thought the OP merely expected the other woman was pregnant. I didn't see that there was an announcement that anyone actually was.

[Bang!Zoom!]

My best guess is the three of them discussed at length how to open the channels of discussion and there was complete agreement.

 

There is probably a very good reason there was a mass emailing and not a sit down heart-to-heart.

 

But in any case, what's done is done...a new family is on the horizon, and most likely will be accepted and loved like any other.

 

It can be difficult to adapt, the OP needs support perhaps, rather than...say..constant judgement? It's not our shoes.

[justamouse]

My open-mindedness would extend this far:

 

I would not comment. I wouldn't preach, or shun, or gossip within the family about them.

 

I wouldn't post passive-aggressive remarks on Facebook or in Grandma's hearing.

 

I would attend all state and formal family occasions, knowing and accepting that they'll be there, and treat them kindly at those events.

 

If we had a Christmas card-sending relationship I would continue it.

 

I would stick up for them when friends, family, and strangers had something to say.

 

What I could not do:

 

Embrace this lifestyle as if it were not against what I believe morally and what they themselves formerly professed.

 

Expose my children to their family arrangement as a regular thing, normalizing the option in my children's eyes.

 

Try to get relatives who are even less open-minded than myself to go against their own conscience.

 

From the tone of the excerpt from the letter, OP, they are prepared for the fact that not everybody is going to be able to embrace this. They probably expect some, especially those with children being raised with conservative Christian beliefs, to pull back a little, at least. For me, there would be a new distance to the relationship, but again I would certainly keep up the formalities of family and treat them well whenever I did see them.

 

I think they would be pleasantly surprised and contented it they could just be treated civilly and kindly while everybody sorts through their feelings. I would see that as enough of a goal, for starters, and try to help the extended family toward that end as much I could.

 

 

:iagree:

 

It's also a lot of tension to hold (you love, yes, but cannot bless).

 

I do NOT envy you.

[Bang!Zoom!]

I thought the OP merely expected the other woman was pregnant. I didn't see that there was an announcement that anyone actually was.

 

Yep, you are absolutely right, I had to go back over and read it again.( .we got a little distracted in the house as this prompted a discussion about our family and the way it rolled out..)

[Bang!Zoom!]

All we got here Dot was: "Oh, is this one of those lipstick moment things?"

 

(You know, slap on a little lipstick, you'll be fine moments..)

 

Personally, I was all like, "Ya, imagine that, so what?" I think one's hide gets tough or soft, depending on your view of life...

[Plucky]

I agree. i also think we've got a few members on this board that are in polyamorous relationships who are quite happy with their lives. I cringed after reading some of the unsavory comparisons being tossed around here.

 

Eh, this is about my posts I'm sure. I am posting from a child that was subjected to such a relationship and saw a lot. Relationships affect kids. Just because adults are happy doesn't mean everything is hunky dory.

[ChristyB in TN]

Wow! That was sort of surpising! I think that after adjusting and processing (Yikes!) I would welcome her to the family and make immediate plans to meet her in person. I would be the first one to do it and would just be honest the whole darn time. "My, you sure know how to make an announcement! Can you please help me get my lower jaw off the floor? When do we get to meet her?" Since there is nothing you can do about it, I think it would be nice to help the family transition and maybe be the one who is helping them all accept and love the new family member. That is a tough one... Just love everyone through it.

[Pretty in Pink]

Eh, live and let live. I can't imagine writing them out of my life unless there was some sort of sordid religious bent involved.

[Impish]

My open-mindedness would extend this far:

 

I would not comment. I wouldn't preach, or shun, or gossip within the family about them.

 

I wouldn't post passive-aggressive remarks on Facebook or in Grandma's hearing.

 

I would attend all state and formal family occasions, knowing and accepting that they'll be there, and treat them kindly at those events.

 

If we had a Christmas card-sending relationship I would continue it.

 

I would stick up for them when friends, family, and strangers had something to say.

 

What I could not do:

 

Embrace this lifestyle as if it were not against what I believe morally and what they themselves formerly professed.

 

Expose my children to their family arrangement as a regular thing, normalizing the option in my children's eyes.

 

Try to get relatives who are even less open-minded than myself to go against their own conscience.

 

From the tone of the excerpt from the letter, OP, they are prepared for the fact that not everybody is going to be able to embrace this. They probably expect some, especially those with children being raised with conservative Christian beliefs, to pull back a little, at least. For me, there would be a new distance to the relationship, but again I would certainly keep up the formalities of family and treat them well whenever I did see them.

 

I think they would be pleasantly surprised and contented it they could just be treated civilly and kindly while everybody sorts through their feelings. I would see that as enough of a goal, for starters, and try to help the extended family toward that end as much I could.

pretty much.

 

I don't know how I would defend the situation, since it's not something that I personally agree w/, other than the standard, "they're consenting adults, it's their choice' though. I honestly don't know how I'd begin to explain it to the kids, b/c I couldn't tell them it was ok, since it's against our beliefs. No clue how I'd handle it...and until I had something settled in my head in that regard, I'd probably avoid situations where it was needed.

 

May not be the best way to do things, but I'd be so totally unprepared for the situation that it would take me some time to wrap my head around it.

[In the Rain]

I think email was probably the nicest way to get the news.

[Gentlemommy]

Well, with only that small bit of information, I'd have to say that I would try to keep the same relationship with my brother and sister in law, and be welcoming and loving to their new partner. Sister wives are not my thing, but I honestly do not have an issue with those who practice that lifestyle...

If you have a good relationship with him and his wife, trust that they are making a good decision for their family. That is really all you can do, this is their life and their relationship. I would definitely NOT cut ties with them...While it isn't a lifestyle *I* would choose, it isn't inherently dangerous. I would simply explain to my children that it's their choice and not in our belief system. No judgement.

[I.Dup.]

Eh, live and let live. I can't imagine writing them out of my life unless there was some sort of sordid religious bent involved.

 

:iagree:and even the religious bend would really depend.

 

I would think there are some definite benefits to being in a polyamorous relationship, I hadn't thought of it as being oppressive to women unless it was in an outright cult where young women are forced to marry, etc.

[Crimson Wife]

Can we say "midlife crisis"????? Honestly, it sounds like he wants to have his cake (the mistress) and eat it too (keeping the longtime wife). Why the wife is putting up with it, who knows? Maybe she's figuring it's a phase and better to put up with it for a bit than to divorce.

 

I'd personally treat the situation like I do other relatives who have lifestyles I don't approve of. Maintain civility at big family events but don't have a close personal relationship. I'd be very sad if it were one of my brothers whom I had to do this to and not more distant relations, but I'm not going to compromise my principles and pretend that I think it's just hunky-dory someone living an immoral lifestyle.

[Robin M]

Just talked to my sister who is visiting parents and they aren't handling it so well. Mom, who is in fragile state already from long term illness, got physically ill at the news. Dad reamed my brother a new one because of how it affected mom. Anything that puts my mom's health in jeopardy and he's a bear. What amazes me is that my brother expected them to understand. Don't know where he's been all these years... Living under a rock or head in the sand to think they would even condone it. Dad's ready to offer sil a way out, pay for her divorce etc. In his mind he's already disowned my brother and this morning, pulled all the money at the investment firm out. In his mind, if brother shows this much bad judgement in personal life, it carries over to the professional as well.

 

None of us can understand his thinking this would be okay with anyone in the family. It simply isn't who we are. Brother was surprised (really) by my dad's reaction and now according to sil he's physically ill as well.

 

My issue is the timing, how it affects my parents health. They are my main concern. It was really stupid to drop a bomb on them like that.

 

Religion has nothing to do with it regarding the sister wives thing. It was just the best it long, so making it short explanation.

 

And I know why he did it via email. He didn't have the guts to do a face to face because he knew it would cause anger and upset and he didn't want to deal with it.

[I.Dup.]

Just talked to my sister who is visiting parents and they aren't handling it so well. Mom, who is in fragile state already from long term illness, got physically ill at the news. Dad reamed my brother a new one because of how it affected mom. Anything that puts my mom's health in jeopardy and he's a bear. What amazes me is that my brother expected them to understand. Don't know where he's been all these years... Living under a rock or head in the sand to think they would even condone it. Dad's ready to offer sil a way out, pay for her divorce etc. In his mind he's already disowned my brother and this morning, pulled all the money at the investment firm out. In his mind, if brother shows this much bad judgement in personal life, it carries over to the professional as well.

 

None of us can understand his thinking this would be okay with anyone in the family. It simply isn't who we are. Brother was surprised (really) by my dad's reaction and now according to sil he's physically ill as well.

 

My issue is the timing, how it affects my parents health. They are my main concern. It was really stupid to drop a bomb on them like that.

 

Religion has nothing to do with it regarding the sister wives thing. It was just the best it long, so making it short explanation.

 

And I know why he did it via email. He didn't have the guts to do a face to face because he knew it would cause anger and upset and he didn't want to deal with it.

 

So sorry for your family, especially your parents. :(

[jujsky]

 

 

People can love more than one person at a time and for different reasons.

 

Maybe, but not in my house. Loving more than one person in my house would result in a dead husband and a dead second wife. What's mine is mine. I'm not big on sharing.

[Hoot]

Wow! That was sort of surpising! I think that after adjusting and processing (Yikes!) I would welcome her to the family and make immediate plans to meet her in person. I would be the first one to do it and would just be honest the whole darn time. "My, you sure know how to make an announcement! Can you please help me get my lower jaw off the floor? When do we get to meet her?" Since there is nothing you can do about it, I think it would be nice to help the family transition and maybe be the one who is helping them all accept and love the new family member. That is a tough one... Just love everyone through it.

 

:iagree:

 

This is not about you or the rest of your family. They have made this choice of their own free-will and now you have a choice to make. You can love them and accept them regardless or you can let it be the thing that tears your brother from you. If it were my own family, I would let my son know that this was not something that we believe in Biblically, but at the same time we choose to love instead of shun. It really makes no sense to me when I hear others saying that they would not allow their children around stuff like this.

[PrincessMommy]

Just talked to my sister who is visiting parents and they aren't handling it so well. Mom, who is in fragile state already from long term illness, got physically ill at the news. Dad reamed my brother a new one because of how it affected mom. Anything that puts my mom's health in jeopardy and he's a bear. What amazes me is that my brother expected them to understand. Don't know where he's been all these years... Living under a rock or head in the sand to think they would even condone it. Dad's ready to offer sil a way out, pay for her divorce etc. In his mind he's already disowned my brother and this morning, pulled all the money at the investment firm out. In his mind, if brother shows this much bad judgement in personal life, it carries over to the professional as well.

 

None of us can understand his thinking this would be okay with anyone in the family. It simply isn't who we are. Brother was surprised (really) by my dad's reaction and now according to sil he's physically ill as well.

 

My issue is the timing, how it affects my parents health. They are my main concern. It was really stupid to drop a bomb on them like that.

 

Religion has nothing to do with it regarding the sister wives thing. It was just the best it long, so making it short explanation.

 

And I know why he did it via email. He didn't have the guts to do a face to face because he knew it would cause anger and upset and he didn't want to deal with it.

 

I'm sorry... :grouphug: especially for your parents who are hit by this the hardest.

[lovinmomma]

Maybe, but not in my house. Loving more than one person in my house would result in a dead husband and a dead second wife. What's mine is mine. I'm not big on sharing.

 

LOLOL

[maddykate]

Maybe, but not in my house. Loving more than one person in my house would result in a dead husband and a dead second wife. What's mine is mine. I'm not big on sharing.

 

Amen!

[Crimson Wife]

My issue is the timing, how it affects my parents health. They are my main concern. It was really stupid to drop a bomb on them like that.

 

This is the reason why one relative of mine stayed in the closet until his parents passed on. All the younger members of the family suspected that his relationship with his "roommate" was not Platonic, but for the sake of the elderly mom and dad it was a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.

[Guest]

Wow. That would be a new one. I'm sorry you're having to cope with this and I'm sorry for the turmoil it's causing your family. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

Can we say "midlife crisis"????? Honestly, it sounds like he wants to have his cake (the mistress) and eat it too (keeping the longtime wife). Why the wife is putting up with it, who knows? Maybe she's figuring it's a phase and better to put up with it for a bit than to divorce.

 

To do it by email is pretty cowardly in my book. I'd have to explain it to my children that Uncle whoever has a wife and a girlfriend. That is what they are legally.

 

My feeling is that there is a very strong possibility that this is not just a "sister wives" thing, but that the third woman has a s*xual relationship with both the brother and the wife. The brother didn't say, "I have a second wife." He talked about the new woman as a third partner in his marriage with his wife. For all we know, the wife was the one who had lesbian tendencies and she talked the brother into the new relationship.

[Impish]

:iagree:

 

This is not about you or the rest of your family. They have made this choice of their own free-will and now you have a choice to make. You can love them and accept them regardless or you can let it be the thing that tears your brother from you. If it were my own family, I would let my son know that this was not something that we believe in Biblically, but at the same time we choose to love instead of shun. It really makes no sense to me when I hear others saying that they would not allow their children around stuff like this.

I'm one of the ones that wouldn't have my kids exposed to it until I figured out how to explain it to my kids. I couldn't, in good conscience, present it as though it was a perfectly ok, moral, ethical option, b/c I disagree w/it. It's not an example I would want my kids thinking would be ok to follow. I would not want any of my kids in a polyamorous relationship, and would need to figure out a way to get that msg across w/out starting a family rift.

[Mommy22alyns]

Just talked to my sister who is visiting parents and they aren't handling it so well. Mom, who is in fragile state already from long term illness, got physically ill at the news. Dad reamed my brother a new one because of how it affected mom. Anything that puts my mom's health in jeopardy and he's a bear. What amazes me is that my brother expected them to understand. Don't know where he's been all these years... Living under a rock or head in the sand to think they would even condone it. Dad's ready to offer sil a way out, pay for her divorce etc. In his mind he's already disowned my brother and this morning, pulled all the money at the investment firm out. In his mind, if brother shows this much bad judgement in personal life, it carries over to the professional as well.

 

None of us can understand his thinking this would be okay with anyone in the family. It simply isn't who we are. Brother was surprised (really) by my dad's reaction and now according to sil he's physically ill as well.

 

My issue is the timing, how it affects my parents health. They are my main concern. It was really stupid to drop a bomb on them like that.

 

Religion has nothing to do with it regarding the sister wives thing. It was just the best it long, so making it short explanation.

 

And I know why he did it via email. He didn't have the guts to do a face to face because he knew it would cause anger and upset and he didn't want to deal with it.

 

 

He sounds incredibly selfish, for one thing.

[Catwoman]

Just talked to my sister who is visiting parents and they aren't handling it so well. Mom, who is in fragile state already from long term illness, got physically ill at the news. Dad reamed my brother a new one because of how it affected mom. Anything that puts my mom's health in jeopardy and he's a bear. What amazes me is that my brother expected them to understand. Don't know where he's been all these years... Living under a rock or head in the sand to think they would even condone it. Dad's ready to offer sil a way out, pay for her divorce etc. In his mind he's already disowned my brother and this morning, pulled all the money at the investment firm out. In his mind, if brother shows this much bad judgement in personal life, it carries over to the professional as well.

 

None of us can understand his thinking this would be okay with anyone in the family. It simply isn't who we are. Brother was surprised (really) by my dad's reaction and now according to sil he's physically ill as well.

 

My issue is the timing, how it affects my parents health. They are my main concern. It was really stupid to drop a bomb on them like that.

 

Religion has nothing to do with it regarding the sister wives thing. It was just the best it long, so making it short explanation.

 

And I know why he did it via email. He didn't have the guts to do a face to face because he knew it would cause anger and upset and he didn't want to deal with it.

 

Your brother was a selfish jerk for making his announcement right now, knowing that your mom is so ill. He was clearing his own conscience with no regard whatsoever for your parents' feelings, when he could have kept his mouth shut about it. He had to know how your mom would react, so I can't imagine why he would give her such a huge shock at such a bad time.

 

I'm all for people living whatever lives they want to live, but to make a blanket email announcement to your immediate family about something as huge as this is cowardly and inconsiderate.

 

I would be livid at him, and my anger would have nothing to do with his new lifestyle; it would be all about the lack of consideration for your parents.

[Rivka]

I think it would depend, Jennifer. If it's religiously motivated, yeah, odds are its an inequal relationship. If it's the type of relationship I've seen modeled by some friends where each person had a separate and equal relationship with each other and attraction to each other, then I don't think it's automatically a bad thing, or harmful for kids.

 

Equating open relationships with child molestation is exceptionally insulting to these people, who I know to be dedicated, loving parents who would never knowingly place their child in such a situation. Most people that I know who practice non-religiously-motivated/non-patriarchal polyamory tend to have very strong (if not mainstream) ethics and feelings about consent.

 

:iagree:with both of you.

 

I've known many multi-adult families. Some of them I have thought were unhealthy. Some of them I have admired and respected. In some of them, I thought that issues related to children were handled with exceptional wisdom and sensitivity. In others, I thought that children were being epxosed to emotional or physical risks. So it's pretty much been the same as with the two-adult families I know.

 

I wouldn't make any blanket assumptions about the relative power of men vs. women in non-religious polyamorous families, or about who the driving force was behind opening up the relationship.

[Murphy101]

Just talked to my sister who is visiting parents and they aren't handling it so well. Mom, who is in fragile state already from long term illness, got physically ill at the news. Dad reamed my brother a new one because of how it affected mom. Anything that puts my mom's health in jeopardy and he's a bear. What amazes me is that my brother expected them to understand. Don't know where he's been all these years... Living under a rock or head in the sand to think they would even condone it. Dad's ready to offer sil a way out, pay for her divorce etc. In his mind he's already disowned my brother and this morning, pulled all the money at the investment firm out. In his mind, if brother shows this much bad judgement in personal life, it carries over to the professional as well.

 

None of us can understand his thinking this would be okay with anyone in the family. It simply isn't who we are. Brother was surprised (really) by my dad's reaction and now according to sil he's physically ill as well.

 

My issue is the timing, how it affects my parents health. They are my main concern. It was really stupid to drop a bomb on them like that.

 

Religion has nothing to do with it regarding the sister wives thing. It was just the best it long, so making it short explanation.

 

And I know why he did it via email. He didn't have the guts to do a face to face because he knew it would cause anger and upset and he didn't want to deal with it.

 

Ack. Your brother is a donkey. That's the reason I'd reduce or eliminate contact. The rest just adds to it.:glare:

 

Maybe, but not in my house. Loving more than one person in my house would result in a dead husband and a dead second wife. What's mine is mine. I'm not big on sharing.

 

:lol::iagree:

[ocelotmom]

Eh, this is about my posts I'm sure. I am posting from a child that was subjected to such a relationship and saw a lot. Relationships affect kids. Just because adults are happy doesn't mean everything is hunky dory.

 

Of course. Any time anyone has close access to your children, you have to be careful. Any time there's a relationship (romantic or otherwise), you need to be aware of the children's feelings.

 

There's a difference between being aware of the possibility (which I suspect members of this board who are involved in such things are - these are not stupid people) and painting everything with a broad brush or saying that they should happen at all because of the possibility.

 

Many kids are abused by stepparents or boyfriends/girlfriends of their single parents, but few people would disown a single parent for dating, or suggest that doing so was inherently so harmful that it shouldn't happen. Same with kids participating in sports/scouts/church groups/etc. Or, for that matter, homeschooling.

 

Can we say "midlife crisis"????? Honestly, it sounds like he wants to have his cake (the mistress) and eat it too (keeping the longtime wife). Why the wife is putting up with it, who knows? Maybe she's figuring it's a phase and better to put up with it for a bit than to divorce.

 

You know, the exposure most of the US has to nonmonogamous relationships is Sister Wives and fundamentalist patriarchal religions of various flavors. But that's just the most visible subsection. I don't thing there's any reason to believe that it was necessarily male midlife crisis that led to this. Perhaps the two women were the instigators.

[eloquacious]

My open-mindedness would extend this far:

 

I would not comment. I wouldn't preach, or shun, or gossip within the family about them.

 

I wouldn't post passive-aggressive remarks on Facebook or in Grandma's hearing.

 

I would attend all state and formal family occasions, knowing and accepting that they'll be there, and treat them kindly at those events.

 

If we had a Christmas card-sending relationship I would continue it.

 

I would stick up for them when friends, family, and strangers had something to say.

 

What I could not do:

 

Embrace this lifestyle as if it were not against what I believe morally and what they themselves formerly professed.

 

Expose my children to their family arrangement as a regular thing, normalizing the option in my children's eyes.

 

Try to get relatives who are even less open-minded than myself to go against their own conscience.

 

From the tone of the excerpt from the letter, OP, they are prepared for the fact that not everybody is going to be able to embrace this. They probably expect some, especially those with children being raised with conservative Christian beliefs, to pull back a little, at least. For me, there would be a new distance to the relationship, but again I would certainly keep up the formalities of family and treat them well whenever I did see them.

 

I think they would be pleasantly surprised and contented it they could just be treated civilly and kindly while everybody sorts through their feelings. I would see that as enough of a goal, for starters, and try to help the extended family toward that end as much I could.

 

Well-written!

 

For us, this is unlikely to be an issue - but then you never know, right? What is on the immediate horizon is a gay wedding, and dealing with the effects of that... and I hope everyone's reaction would be as gracious as what you have describe.d

[elegantlion]

My feeling is that there is a very strong possibility that this is not just a "sister wives" thing, but that the third woman has a s*xual relationship with both the brother and the wife. The brother didn't say, "I have a second wife." He talked about the new woman as a third partner in his marriage with his wife. For all we know, the wife was the one who had lesbian tendencies and she talked the brother into the new relationship.

 

This was the assumption I made as well.

 

It sounds like his timing might be way off, but I don't think a phone call would have alleviated the stress. I think an email gives him a way to state the facts of his situation so everyone knows from his perspective, not from a family rumor mill.

[DawnM]

I would not be ok with it at all. But I am not ok with a lot of choices people make. :tongue_smilie:

[Reflections]

My open-mindedness would extend this far:

 

I would not comment. I wouldn't preach, or shun, or gossip within the family about them.

 

I wouldn't post passive-aggressive remarks on Facebook or in Grandma's hearing.

 

I would attend all state and formal family occasions, knowing and accepting that they'll be there, and treat them kindly at those events.

 

If we had a Christmas card-sending relationship I would continue it.

 

I would stick up for them when friends, family, and strangers had something to say.

 

What I could not do:

 

Embrace this lifestyle as if it were not against what I believe morally and what they themselves formerly professed.

 

Expose my children to their family arrangement as a regular thing, normalizing the option in my children's eyes.

 

Try to get relatives who are even less open-minded than myself to go against their own conscience.

 

From the tone of the excerpt from the letter, OP, they are prepared for the fact that not everybody is going to be able to embrace this. They probably expect some, especially those with children being raised with conservative Christian beliefs, to pull back a little, at least. For me, there would be a new distance to the relationship, but again I would certainly keep up the formalities of family and treat them well whenever I did see them.

 

I think they would be pleasantly surprised and contented it they could just be treated civilly and kindly while everybody sorts through their feelings. I would see that as enough of a goal, for starters, and try to help the extended family toward that end as much I could.

 

:iagree: When I grow up, I want to be just like Tibbie.

 

I just want to add: I knew of someone who called his parents one day and said: Mom, Dad, I'm no longer John, I'm Jane (whole operation and everything) and me and the wife are staying together (and they had kids too). That didn't go over well either. But eventually, it became the new normal. Nothing is every perfect.

 

Personally, I'd rather a sister wife that the current wife knew and accepted, than a long term "other woman".

 

ETA: oooooh, I never thought to think that the wife might want the other woman and that he went along with it.....ooooh. See, never should assume stuff. Regardless of what was the causation, I still think: follow Tibbie's advice.

Edited September 4, 2012 by KatherineTheGreat

[Hoot]

I'm one of the ones that wouldn't have my kids exposed to it until I figured out how to explain it to my kids. I couldn't, in good conscience, present it as though it was a perfectly ok, moral, ethical option, b/c I disagree w/it. It's not an example I would want my kids thinking would be ok to follow. I would not want any of my kids in a polyamorous relationship, and would need to figure out a way to get that msg across w/out starting a family rift.

 

And see, I don't disagree with that at all. What you're suggesting is a far cry from disallowing your children from ever having contact with them because of their life choices. I don't agree with polygamy either and I know that personally speaking, I'm coming at this from the perspective of a mom with a 13 yr. old. My DS is capable of understanding the intricacy of such a relationship while also understanding why we believe it is Unbiblical. But, all the while he knows that regardless of a person's life choices, we choose to love them. Period. We don't talk about said choices in the presence of others, but any questions can be brought to me privately. Younger children may not have that capability and so I do understand the desire to know how to approach it with them first.

 

My problem is when people treat others like lepers because they believe that their life choices are too sinful for their children or even they themselves to be around. In my opinion, sin is sin. There is no hierarchy of sinfulness. Others may disagree and that's okay. Likewise, loving a person does not mean that you are condoning their actions; it simply means that you love them. If the person in question knows you at all they will already know that you do not condone their choice. Throwing it in their face that you think they are living a life of sin, that you disagree with their choices and refuse to have anything to do with them does no one any good.

[In the Rain]

Just talked to my sister who is visiting parents and they aren't handling it so well. Mom, who is in fragile state already from long term illness, got physically ill at the news.

 

:grouphug:I'm sorry that your mom is now physically ill. I can't imagine the stress of that along with this. I have to say that it is very loving and generous of your dad to be willing to fund his DIL's way out of the marriage if that is what she were to choose.

[Ravin]

He clearly didn't show the best judgment in the manner in which he informed your parents, knowing how they took it and that it could reasonably be anticipated that they would not take it well.

 

That said, just when WOULD the time have been right? Some things are going to be a shock no matter how/when they are presented.

 

As for the new relationship itself, I hope you'll discount overgeneralizations and assumptions such as those that have been made here and accept it for what it is and nothing more--or less.

 

Gotta say, not thrilled with the notion that some people still equate consenting ADULT relationships with putting children at risk of being abused. The one has NOTHING to do with the other. As someone above said, that's no different than equating all homeschoolers with people who are hiding neglect behind homeschooling status, or all members of a particular religion with abuses that have taken place within a context to do with that religion.

 

f I was you be annoyed with my brother, though honestly I'd probably also be trying to get my parents to chill out and stop being so judgmental (even if their response was predictable, doesn't mean it's right). Thinking back, I'm pretty sure I told my mom in person, but I was visiting her at the time we decided DW#2 was moving in with us. My dad I may well have emailed, or let him find out frm my sisters, because he's been judgmental his whole life and I'm not fond of his negative reactions that aren't something I choose. Mom at least has the tact to think and tolerate, if not accept, in a spirit of unconditional love.

[FeFe]

:grouphug::grouphug: Wow! That's a lot to take in through email.

[Kathryn]

My feeling is that there is a very strong possibility that this is not just a "sister wives" thing, but that the third woman has a s*xual relationship with both the brother and the wife. The brother didn't say, "I have a second wife." He talked about the new woman as a third partner in his marriage with his wife. For all we know, the wife was the one who had lesbian tendencies and she talked the brother into the new relationship.

 

Your brother was a selfish jerk for making his announcement right now, knowing that your mom is so ill. He was clearing his own conscience with no regard whatsoever for your parents' feelings, when he could have kept his mouth shut about it. He had to know how your mom would react, so I can't imagine why he would give her such a huge shock at such a bad time.

 

I'm all for people living whatever lives they want to live, but to make a blanket email announcement to your immediate family about something as huge as this is cowardly and inconsiderate.

 

I would be livid at him, and my anger would have nothing to do with his new lifestyle; it would be all about the lack of consideration for your parents.

 

:iagree: I'd be shocked if it came out of left field, but I'd try to be accepting of my loved ones depending on the relationship (I don't know enough about this particular situation to say what I'd do for sure). I don't know why anyone would want more than one spouse though, it's hard enough dealing with one.

[stripe]

You know, the exposure most of the US has to nonmonogamous relationships is Sister Wives and fundamentalist patriarchal religions of various flavors. But that's just the most visible subsection. I don't thing there's any reason to believe that it was necessarily male midlife crisis that led to this. Perhaps the two women were the instigators.

 

Really? To me, cheating spouses are in "non monogamous relationships," and they aren't necessarily open about it on an individual level but we've all heard of them. Ditto for "open marriages."

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Someone said that this isn't biblical, but iirc having multiple wives IS biblical it is just not done in modern xian marriages, right? :confused:

 

It seems like this is mostly a CULTURAL thing, not biblical/non-biblical. It is not a part of modern-day xianity.

[stripe]

Someone said that this isn't biblical, but iirc having multiple wives IS biblical it is just not done in modern xian marriages, right? :confused:

 

It seems like this is mostly a CULTURAL thing, not biblical/non-biblical. It is not a part of modern-day xianity.

 

In some countries, it very much is a part of modern day Christianity.

[Amirah]

:grouphug: sorry for your parents being in and sorry for your brother as well. i can't imagine that was something easy to announce at all. I am assuming he probably ran through the worst case scenario reactions before typing that email.

i think just give it time let it sink in then decide how you would like to continue the relationship with that family

 

i have many many friends in marriages as 1st or 2nd wife and a good friend of my husband just took a 3rd wife. my husbands grandpa had 3 wives as well so its not really anything big for me. being muslim its religiously ok for us to have up to 4. My family is not Muslim (they are christian) and i told them before i got married that it may happen at some point and i am ok with it so i am letting you know in advance. that way they have all the time to get whatever emotions they feel about it out of the way.

 

Also i think this board is quite diverse and i don't think it is fair to say anyone's lifestyle is disgusting or damaging to children, or you think they are religious nutjobs. even if that is what we may feel in our hearts we shouldn't just outright offend other board member

[SorrelZG]

nm

[tex-mex]

Well, dropping the news like a "bomb" via email in my opinion is cowardly. Why not just wait 'til the holidays and show up with the new spouse? And let the fireworks commence? Or make a special trip to see everyone and introduce her if she is the new love of his life? The OP's bro seems a bit immature. :glare:

[melmichigan]

When they say "you don’t know what we’ve already been through together", I tend to think that there is something more there, this isn't just out of left field for them. I'm not sure that there is a "right time" to announce something like this. I'm not sure that trying to hide it from your parents would have been a better choice. I'm sorry that your parents are having such a hard time with it and hope that time will help.

Edited September 4, 2012 by melmichigan