Trying to pick my jaw up off the ground: brother's announcement

[Melinda in VT]

Well, dropping the news like a "bomb" via email in my opinion is cowardly. Why not just wait 'til the holidays and show up with the new spouse? And let the fireworks commence? Or make a special trip to see everyone and introduce her if she is the new love of his life? The OP's bro seems a bit immature. :glare:

 

Maybe you're being sarcastic and I'm missing it, but I think arriving with the new spouse and telling the family then is far, far worse than an email.

 

I'm sorry this news is hard for the OP's parents, but I don't believe in family secrets. I'm more of a rip-the-bandaid-off-and-get-the-pain-over-with person. To me, it is far worse for the family for members to have to pretend and hide big parts of themselves for fear that Mom and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa can't take it. I think being truthful honors the relationship more than deceiving.

 

But I'm open to considering another way of looking at this issue of honesty versus "protecting" elderly relatives.

[Catwoman]

 

I'm sorry this news is hard for the OP's parents, but I don't believe in family secrets. I'm more of a rip-the-bandaid-off-and-get-the-pain-over-with person. To me, it is far worse for the family for members to have to pretend and hide big parts of themselves for fear that Mom and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa can't take it. I think being truthful honors the relationship more than deceiving.

 

But I'm open to considering another way of looking at this issue of honesty versus "protecting" elderly relatives.

 

Under normal circumstances, I would absolutely agree with you, but in this case, the mom is very ill, and it sounds as though her health could suffer as a result of being so upset. If the mom was healthy, I would have no problem with the brother telling her the truth -- but for heaven's sake, under any circumstances, he should have been a man about it and told his parents in person. :glare:

 

I think the brother handled the situation very poorly, and again, I don't care what he and his wife want to do in their personal life. I just think he was incredibly selfish to burden his very ill mother with shocking news. He would have had to be a complete moron if he thought his mom would be OK with an email announcement that he and his wife are adding a new woman to their arrangement. At the very least, if he felt it was absolutely crucial to tell her, he should have gone to see her in person, but I still think he would have been better off leaving Mom in the dark about it -- or just telling his dad and letting the dad decide what was best to tell her.

Edited September 4, 2012 by Catwoman

[tex-mex]

Maybe you're being sarcastic and I'm missing it, but I think arriving with the new spouse and telling the family then is far, far worse than an email.

 

I'm sorry this news is hard for the OP's parents, but I don't believe in family secrets. I'm more of a rip-the-bandaid-off-and-get-the-pain-over-with person. To me, it is far worse for the family for members to have to pretend and hide big parts of themselves for fear that Mom and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa can't take it. I think being truthful honors the relationship more than deceiving.

 

But I'm open to considering another way of looking at this issue of honesty versus "protecting" elderly relatives.

No, not being sarcastic.

 

My family when I was a child were always at war with each other. It was normal for a fight to break out over a holiday meal. Yeah, so cousin Sandy just came out of the closet and brought her roomate... er, girlfriend. Grandma was angry. But she soon got over it and the girlfriend became a member of the family. I was also speaking up for the new sister wife to be honored in the family... an email does not cut it. If he feels that strongly, bring her and honor her in front of the family. Grow some balls. :glare:

[athomemom]

I can't imagine what must be going through your mind. It would be shocking news for most of us. I hope that you and your family can find a way to keep a relationship with your brother. Family is so important.:grouphug:

[Melinda in VT]

Under normal circumstances, I would absolutely agree with you, but in this case, the mom is very ill, and it sounds as though her health could suffer as a result of being so upset. The brother would have had to be a complete moron if he thought his mom would be OK with an email announcement that he and his wife are adding a new woman to their arrangement. At the very least, he should have gone to see her in person, but I still think he would have been better off leaving Mom in the dark about it -- or just telling his dad and letting the dad decide what was best to tell her.

 

I think my personal experience is skewing my view here. My DH's grandparents were very ill for years and years. Decades, in fact. It got to the point where they were extremely out of touch with some of their kids and grandkids because people were keeping major life decisions secret.

 

If the mom is likely to get better, I think the brother should have waited. If this state of illness is the new normal, I tend to err on the side of honesty.

[tex-mex]

Under normal circumstances, I would absolutely agree with you, but in this case, the mom is very ill, and it sounds as though her health could suffer as a result of being so upset. If the mom was healthy, I would have no problem with the brother telling her the truth -- but for heaven's sake, under any circumstances, he should have been a man about it and told his parents in person. :glare:

 

I think the brother handled the situation very poorly, and again, I don't care what he and his wife want to do in their personal life. I just think he was incredibly selfish to burden his very ill mother with shocking news. He would have had to be a complete moron if he thought his mom would be OK with an email announcement that he and his wife are adding a new woman to their arrangement. At the very least, if he felt it was absolutely crucial to tell her, he should have gone to see her in person, but I still think he would have been better off leaving Mom in the dark about it -- or just telling his dad and letting the dad decide what was best to tell her.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Melinda in VT]

No, not being sarcastic.

 

My family when I was a child were always at war with each other. It was normal for a fight to break out over a holiday meal. Yeah, so cousin Sandy just came out of the closet and brought her roomate... er, girlfriend. Grandma was angry. But she soon got over it and the girlfriend became a member of the family. I was also speaking up for the new sister wife to be honored in the family... an email does not cut it. If he feels that strongly, bring her and honor her in front of the family. Grow some balls. :glare:

 

:svengo:

 

To me, your preferred approach seems horribly disrespectful to all involved.

 

I'm having one of those moments where I realize that not everyone thinks like I do. :001_huh:

 

Personal take-away: even people who seem to be acting horribly and selfishly may be acting from good intentions. I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

[tex-mex]

:svengo:

 

To me, your preferred approach seems horribly disrespectful to all involved.

 

I'm having one of those moments where I realize that not everyone thinks like I do. :001_huh:

 

Personal take-away: even people who seem to be acting horribly and selfishly may be acting from good intentions. I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

My family growing up were like a Maury show, I kid you not. I then married into a family that repressed all emotions and were cultured. They did not talk about anything and their kids were screwed up. Once my MIL died and all of the family skeletons came out of the closet, it was normal... people are not perfect. But good lawd, at least talk about it to one another instead of keeping it all bottled up. :confused: I do not get politeness at the sake of crippled emotions.

 

In this case, the brother is a dingbat for hiding behind email. The least he could have done is met his father at a restaurant with the new sister wife and introduced her to him. Keep the ailing mom out of the loop. Then let dad figure it out when to tell her.

[tex-mex]

:svengo:

 

To me, your preferred approach seems horribly disrespectful to all involved.

 

I'm having one of those moments where I realize that not everyone thinks like I do. :001_huh:

 

Personal take-away: even people who seem to be acting horribly and selfishly may be acting from good intentions. I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

For the record, my grandmother was mean as a snake. She always put everyone down and was a know-it-all.

 

She knew her granddaughter Sandy had a roommate for years. It was that Thanksgiving in 1977 when she announced she was more than a roommate. All of us at the table laughed so hard (we all knew years before) to see the look on Grandma's face. Sweet. Someone finally had the gumption to stand up to the ol' woman and tell her off. We loved it.

[Trish]

In 10 years they will be the new demographic being targeted by the big advertisers. And who are we to judge power and equality issues in a relationship like this, when we probably ALL know standard one man/one woman relationships with that very problem?

 

Sure, it goes against everything I view as normal, right, good, moral, socially acceptable and able-to-contemplate-without-blanching. Yes. But, then a LOT of what goes on in society lately falls into that category. Se-xting. Asking political opinion of celebrity porn stars. Christianity as a form of bigotry. Gay marriage as the new Civil Rights Standard. Grandmothers birthing grandbabies. Middle schoolers doing stuff I had never heard of in high school. Friends with benefits. Getting high on bath salts.

 

I'm just gonna homeschool while Rome burns, and teach the kids that Nero wasn't a Superhero. And if they bring home any subsequent wives to add to the posse, then the Christmas gift remains the same size, they have to just split it up in whatever decimal-friendly way works.

[kalanamak]

:svengo:

 

 

 

I know if I was a hostess and had gone out of my way to make a lovely meal and day, and my brother usurped the joy of a holiday with all with a bomb shell, I'd be more angry over that than if he decided to date all the Dallas cheerleaders.

 

I'm assuming that if the OPs's family had their bombs at holidays, the brother would have continued the tradition.

[Heather in Neverland]

In 10 years they will be the new demographic being targeted by the big advertisers. And who are we to judge power and equality issues in a relationship like this, when we probably ALL know standard one man/one woman relationships with that very problem?

 

Sure, it goes against everything I view as normal, right, good, moral, socially acceptable and able-to-contemplate-without-blanching. Yes. But, then a LOT of what goes on in society lately falls into that category. Se-xting. Asking political opinion of celebrity porn stars. Christianity as a form of bigotry. Gay marriage as the new Civil Rights Standard. Grandmothers birthing grandbabies. Middle schoolers doing stuff I had never heard of in high school. Friends with benefits. Getting high on bath salts.

 

I'm just gonna homeschool while Rome burns, and teach the kids that Nero wasn't a Superhero. And if they bring home any subsequent wives to add to the posse, then the Christmas gift remains the same size, they have to just split it up in whatever decimal-friendly way works.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

:iagree:

 

 

 

.

[Audrey]

Haven't read the whole thread yet, but...

 

I find that it is best to keep all comments on other people's relationships to yourself -- even when, perhaps especially when, those other people are related to you.

 

I think the excerpt from the letter clearly shows that they are aware of what they are doing and have given it some careful thought. Whether or not you like or agree with what they are doing is irrelevant, as you are not one of the people in that relationship.

 

That said, I do understand your dismay. I have a brother who has made a number of decisions about his life that have emotionally kicked me in the gut, too. However, it is his life to live and I have to keep my opinions to myself if I want to maintain any semblance of amicability between us -- which I do, because although we have nothing in common, we loved and were loved by two wonderful parents and they would have liked us to remain, at least, amicable toward each other. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

I agree. i also think we've got a few members on this board that are in polyamorous relationships who are quite happy with their lives. I cringed after reading some of the unsavory comparisons being tossed around here.

 

:iagree:

 

There is a specific context and setting regarding "sister wives" and the arrangement. That, I believe, is inherently unequal and an abuse of power.

 

Other arrangements, however, that involve more than two adults are not automatically patriarchical.

 

Open relationships, polygamy, polyamory, are not synonymous.

 

I can't tell from the OP what the context of *this* relationship is.

 

I would personally be less comfortable with religious based polygamy than nearly any other arrangement in which they'd bring a 3rd into the relationship.

[LibraryLover]

Harsh.

 

I know I don't want to share, yet it's in the bible and all. What all was going on with Rachel, Bilhah, Ziilpah, Leah, Jacob, and Abraham?

 

Seriously, It's possible the woman in question is bisexual, and this is a way to stay together. I think you can love two people deeply.

[Delirium]

It can be difficult to understand when someone, especially someone as close as a brother chooses to live in an unconventional (to you) manner. Really the only thing you can do is love him.

 

*hugs*

[KarenC]

I believe that what consenting adults choose to do is their own business. However, I would be very uncomfortable having my children involved in such a relationship. Dh and I would have to discuss the situation and would probably tell each child something different depending on their age.

 

I can't imagine treating the relationship as "normal". Maybe after I got used to the idea we could spend time together. But again, I would not want my children involved in such a relationship.

 

Good luck. I hope you find a way to work things out.

 

Karen

[Robin M]

Not here to denigrate anyone else's choice regarding relationships. Perfectly aware there is a variety of family structures.

 

Found out that essentially other woman is my SIL best friend and their part of relationship is platonic. Yes, brother gets mistress and wife. SIL went into it with open eyes. Told her what they do in privacy of own home was their business. They should have tempered their need to share this wonderful new relationship because of mom's health issues.

 

None of us would have had a problem with them bringing a best friend to christmas, etc because my family has always welcomed friends of family with open arms. We just didn't need to know brother was slipping down the hall to have some extra nooky.

 

I'm trying to keep lines of communication open with SIL because my dad has shut down all communication and I don't want to see the family destroyed over this. My brother seems to have buried his head in the sand and is letting SIL handle all. He just can't handle it. (imagine female swoon with hand on forehead.)

[Delirium]

My brother seems to have buried his head in the sand and is letting SIL handle all. He just can't handle it. (imagine female swoon with hand on forehead.)

 

That's sad. I feel for her for getting to field all the questions/comments.

 

Great response and good luck holding the family together.

[PrincessMommy]

I know if I was a hostess and had gone out of my way to make a lovely meal and day, and my brother usurped the joy of a holiday with all with a bomb shell, I'd be more angry over that than if he decided to date all the Dallas cheerleaders.

 

I'm assuming that if the OPs's family had their bombs at holidays, the brother would have continued the tradition.

 

I agree.

 

I think that honesty is the best policy too... but doing it that way is just rude too. One can be honest and kind at the same time.

[PrincessMommy]

 

I'm trying to keep lines of communication open with SIL because my dad has shut down all communication and I don't want to see the family destroyed over this. My brother seems to have buried his head in the sand and is letting SIL handle all. He just can't handle it. (imagine female swoon with hand on forehead.)

 

Good grief!! This just takes the cake. I'm sorry. He now had two adult women in his household. Menopause is going to be a real joy-ride for him. ;)

[Ibbygirl]

Not here to denigrate anyone else's choice regarding relationships. Perfectly aware there is a variety of family structures.

 

Found out that essentially other woman is my SIL best friend and their part of relationship is platonic. Yes, brother gets mistress and wife. SIL went into it with open eyes. Told her what they do in privacy of own home was their business. They should have tempered their need to share this wonderful new relationship because of mom's health issues.

 

None of us would have had a problem with them bringing a best friend to christmas, etc because my family has always welcomed friends of family with open arms. We just didn't need to know brother was slipping down the hall to have some extra nooky.

 

I'm trying to keep lines of communication open with SIL because my dad has shut down all communication and I don't want to see the family destroyed over this. My brother seems to have buried his head in the sand and is letting SIL handle all. He just can't handle it. (imagine female swoon with hand on forehead.)

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: That is tough. :( In this case, I really hope your SIL takes your father up on his offer to help with the divorce and gets the hell out of Dodge. Her self esteem sounds badly beaten down to allow this. I'm so sorry for the grief this has brought to your parents especially your poor mother. I really can't fathom what your brother is thinking with the way he is handling this situation. Robin, I pray for strength and wisdom for you in dealing with this as I suspect you may wind up as a mediator with SIL to all the other parties of the family. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you.

[Crimson Wife]

I'm sorry this news is hard for the OP's parents, but I don't believe in family secrets. I'm more of a rip-the-bandaid-off-and-get-the-pain-over-with person. To me, it is far worse for the family for members to have to pretend and hide big parts of themselves for fear that Mom and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa can't take it. I think being truthful honors the relationship more than deceiving.

 

But I'm open to considering another way of looking at this issue of honesty versus "protecting" elderly relatives.

 

There is a difference between lying and announcing the full truth.

 

If someone directly asks, "Are you [insert relevant form of sexuality]?" then that person has the moral obligation to either say yes or tell the questioner to mind his/her own business.

 

But if someone doesn't specifically ask, I don't consider it dishonest to keep the information private rather than volunteering it. What consenting adults do behind closed doors is their own business. It is NOT lying to keep it that way.

[Ibbygirl]

 

But if someone doesn't specifically ask, I don't consider it dishonest to keep the information private rather than volunteering it. What consenting adults do behind closed doors is their own business. It is NOT lying to keep it that way.

 

:iagree::iagree: with this. I really miss the days when people's sex lives were private and nobody knew what anyone was doing behind closed doors.

[Catwoman]

Found out that essentially other woman is my SIL best friend and their part of relationship is platonic. Yes, brother gets mistress and wife. SIL went into it with open eyes.

 

OK, I have to admit that I was actually thinking more highly of SIL when I thought she was bi-sexual and that she, your brother, and the other woman were a threesome in all senses of the word. At least there would be equality there. Equal benefits for all parties involved.

 

But this whole "being fine with your best friend having s*x with your dh" thing just absolutely and totally creeps me out. :ack2:

 

Here's the deal, people -- and I don't care if I'm not politically correct on this one. Your best friend is your best friend. Your husband is your husband. Your husband does not have s*x with your best friend, unless you're also having s*x with your best friend's husband and he's way hotter than your husband is.

 

That SIL really needs to get with the program and realize that she's being an absolute fool.

 

And once again, look at me not caring if I'm politically correct. :D

 

Yeah, yeah, I know they can do whatever they want, and if it makes them happy, that's fine and all, but my personal opinion is that the brother is a selfish jerk and SIL is an idiot.

 

EDITED TO ADD: Robin, I'm sorry I'm saying mean things about your brother. I know you love him, but all I know about him is this one thing, and I'm having a tough time viewing him in a positive light based on the little I know about him. :grouphug:

Edited September 5, 2012 by Catwoman

[Catwoman]

Good grief!! This just takes the cake. I'm sorry. He now had two adult women in his household. Menopause is going to be a real joy-ride for him. ;)

 

IMO, he has it coming to him. :glare:

[Ibbygirl]

IMO, he has it coming to him. :glare:

 

:lol::lol::lol: and :iagree: But I really hope that the SIL gets out of there and that brother gets some sense knocked into him. WTH! It's his wife of 20 years! What the heck is he doing with her bf and why is she putting up with this? :confused::confused:

[GWOB]

OK, I have to admit that I was actually thinking more highly of SIL when I thought she was bi-sexual and that she, your brother, and the other woman were a threesome in all senses of the word.

 

But this whole "being fine with your best friend having s*x with your dh" thing just absolutely and totally creeps me out. :ack2:

 

And I don't care if I'm not politically correct on this one.

 

:iagree: My best friend knows better than to even think about my husband *that* way.

 

Op, I am sorry you're dealing with this. I hope and pray your mom recovers. I hope and pray your brother pulls his head out of his arse.

[Melinda in VT]

There is a difference between lying and announcing the full truth.

 

If someone directly asks, "Are you [insert relevant form of sexuality]?" then that person has the moral obligation to either say yes or tell the questioner to mind his/her own business.

 

But if someone doesn't specifically ask, I don't consider it dishonest to keep the information private rather than volunteering it. What consenting adults do behind closed doors is their own business. It is NOT lying to keep it that way.

 

Well, when I got married to DH and told people I was getting married, I didn't think about it as talking about my sex life. I told people I was getting married because DH and I were a family and people who are close to me should know about my family.

 

If the OP's brother and SIL consider this new woman to be part of their family, then it makes sense that they would want to tell people about her.

 

I guess they could not tell, but what happens if she becomes pregnant? Now they have to hide not only her existence but the existence of the child. What if relatives want to come visit them? Yes, you can come, but oh by the way, there's this other woman in our family and she's been here for years but we never bothered to tell you . . .

[melmichigan]

OK, I have to admit that I was actually thinking more highly of SIL when I thought she was bi-sexual and that she, your brother, and the other woman were a threesome in all senses of the word. At least there would be equality there. Equal benefits for all parties involved.

 

 

:iagree: My brain just isn't wired to handle sharing your DH with your best friend.

[Impish]

I just can't wrap my brain around this.

 

If my best friend was sleeping w/my husband, neither would have to worry about LIVING arrangements.

 

The level of betrayal the SIL would have experienced at one point or another...no matter how it came about, finding out that your dh and your bf were s*xually attracted and either wanted to act on it or HAD acted on it...I just can't imagine a situation where that wouldn't feel like a betrayal. by the 2 ppl that you trusted most in the world. and now SHE'S the one dealing w/his family?!

 

Ick, ick, ick.

[Catwoman]

I just can't wrap my brain around this.

 

If my best friend was sleeping w/my husband, neither would have to worry about LIVING arrangements.

 

The level of betrayal the SIL would have experienced at one point or another...no matter how it came about, finding out that your dh and your bf were s*xually attracted and either wanted to act on it or HAD acted on it...I just can't imagine a situation where that wouldn't feel like a betrayal. by the 2 ppl that you trusted most in the world. and now SHE'S the one dealing w/his family?!

 

Ick, ick, ick.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I'm right there with you, Imp.

 

And there wouldn't be any "living" arrangements if my dh pulled a stunt like that, either. :D There might not even be the trouble of digging the shallow grave in the back yard, now that I've been watching Breaking Bad and have learned of other alternative methods of "disposal." :tongue_smilie:

[Plucky]

I just can't wrap my brain around this.

 

If my best friend was sleeping w/my husband, neither would have to worry about LIVING arrangements.

 

The level of betrayal the SIL would have experienced at one point or another...no matter how it came about, finding out that your dh and your bf were s*xually attracted and either wanted to act on it or HAD acted on it...I just can't imagine a situation where that wouldn't feel like a betrayal. by the 2 ppl that you trusted most in the world. and now SHE'S the one dealing w/his family?!

 

Ick, ick, ick.

 

Yeah, something not right is going on there. Is the sil beaten down? Desperate? Very weird.

[Truscifi]

OK, I have to admit that I was actually thinking more highly of SIL when I thought she was bi-sexual and that she, your brother, and the other woman were a threesome in all senses of the word. At least there would be equality there. Equal benefits for all parties involved.

 

But this whole "being fine with your best friend having s*x with your dh" thing just absolutely and totally creeps me out. :ack2:

 

And I don't care if I'm not politically correct on this one. Your best friend is your best friend. Your husband is your husband. Your husband does not have s*x with your best friend, unless you're also having s*x with your best friend's husband and he's way hotter than your husband is.

 

That SIL really needs to get with the program and realize that she's being an absolute fool.

 

And once again, look at me not caring if I'm politically correct. :D

 

Yeah, yeah, I know they can do whatever they want, and if it makes them happy, that's fine and all, but my personal opinion is that the brother is a selfish jerk and SIL is an idiot.

 

EDITED TO ADD: Robin, I'm sorry I'm saying mean things about your brother. I know you love him, but all I know about him is this one thing, and I'm having a tough time viewing him in a positive light based on the little I know about him. :grouphug:

 

I'm not going to comment on the rest, other than to say I would need more info about the dynamic of the relationship to know how I felt about it, and it seems a lot of people here are making a lot of assumptions.

 

BUT the bolded above literally made me laugh out loud!

[justamouse]

In 10 years they will be the new demographic being targeted by the big advertisers. And who are we to judge power and equality issues in a relationship like this, when we probably ALL know standard one man/one woman relationships with that very problem?

 

Sure, it goes against everything I view as normal, right, good, moral, socially acceptable and able-to-contemplate-without-blanching. Yes. But, then a LOT of what goes on in society lately falls into that category. Se-xting. Asking political opinion of celebrity porn stars. Christianity as a form of bigotry. Gay marriage as the new Civil Rights Standard. Grandmothers birthing grandbabies. Middle schoolers doing stuff I had never heard of in high school. Friends with benefits. Getting high on bath salts.

 

I'm just gonna homeschool while Rome burns, and teach the kids that Nero wasn't a Superhero. And if they bring home any subsequent wives to add to the posse, then the Christmas gift remains the same size, they have to just split it up in whatever decimal-friendly way works.

 

Ohh man, you are so right and cracking me up. :lol:

[awisha.]

I just can't wrap my brain around this.

 

If my best friend was sleeping w/my husband, neither would have to worry about LIVING arrangements.

 

The level of betrayal the SIL would have experienced at one point or another...no matter how it came about, finding out that your dh and your bf were s*xually attracted and either wanted to act on it or HAD acted on it...I just can't imagine a situation where that wouldn't feel like a betrayal. by the 2 ppl that you trusted most in the world. and now SHE'S the one dealing w/his family?!

 

Ick, ick, ick.

 

:iagree:

[annandatje]

There's nothing I see that's cowardly about an email, not at all. I think it's a very brilliant move actually...

 

Now if you were a recipient of this email, and weren't able to contact via phone or in person - uh..that'd be saying something.

 

If I were in full agreement as the other "wife/mother" what have you, and loved this other woman in whatever understanding emotional way they have...would I really want to put her in the position of being in physical reach of people that may have highly violent, hateful and/or passionate reactions while pregnant?

 

Uh. No. I wouldn't.

 

I wouldn't trust the other not to physically attack her, especially while pregnant. This has to be really hard for her, all hepped up on the emotional waves of pregnancy and having to go forward and putting your personal business in front of the whole world.

 

I have a lot of sympathy for her, and all of them. I think emailing was a protective gesture, and shows care.

 

:iagree: Email allows him to relay an important life-changing to people he obviously values without having to immediately be put on the witness stand.

 

When a member of my family had rather shocking news to tell extended family members, he did it by letter. Actually he was very brave for even risking the rejection; he could easily have kept this hidden from peopel, but he wanted to lead an open honest.

[Catwoman]

Something just occurred to me.

 

We're talking about Robin's mom and how this announcement is upsetting her to the point of illness...

 

But what about SIL's mom? :eek: This has to be much worse for her.

 

Think about it.

 

"Oh, hi Mom, how's it going? Hey, remember Jenny, my best friend back in junior high school? Yeah, that's her. Well, she's going to be moving into our house so Bob can have s*x with her whenever he wants to. Mom... Mom... are you OK? SOMEBODY CALL 911!" :svengo:

 

I mean, it's bad enough for Robin's family, but at least her brother is the one getting two women to have s*x with. He's getting something out of this deal. What does SIL get? The woman was already her best friend, so if she's not s*xually interested in her, where's the benefit? Her family must be ready to kidnap her and have her committed. (Unless she's so awful that they're just glad to get rid of her, but then why would Robin's brother and SIL want her, either?)

 

And truly, how desperate are these two women that they are willing to share Robin's brother? I don't care if her brother is Ryan Gosling in a kilt; I'm just not getting this.

 

It's not like this is a longstanding cultural thing for the family; then I could understand it, because it would be customary and not unusual, but I cannot for the life of me, possibly fathom how this topic came up in conversation between Robin's brother and his wife, without the evening ending in her identifying the body at the county morgue.

[LibraryLover]

Now you just have me doubting your story. I don't mean to be mean. ;) His wife's best friend, but she is not gay. Very interesting.

 

 

Not here to denigrate anyone else's choice regarding relationships. Perfectly aware there is a variety of family structures.

 

Found out that essentially other woman is my SIL best friend and their part of relationship is platonic. Yes, brother gets mistress and wife. SIL went into it with open eyes. Told her what they do in privacy of own home was their business. They should have tempered their need to share this wonderful new relationship because of mom's health issues.

 

None of us would have had a problem with them bringing a best friend to christmas, etc because my family has always welcomed friends of family with open arms. We just didn't need to know brother was slipping down the hall to have some extra nooky.

 

I'm trying to keep lines of communication open with SIL because my dad has shut down all communication and I don't want to see the family destroyed over this. My brother seems to have buried his head in the sand and is letting SIL handle all. He just can't handle it. (imagine female swoon with hand on forehead.)

Edited September 5, 2012 by LibraryLover

[annandatje]

I agree. i also think we've got a few members on this board that are in polyamorous relationships who are quite happy with their lives. I cringed after reading some of the unsavory comparisons being tossed around here.

 

Yes, it is the same old story: folks equating alternative lifestyles with seuxal misdeeds. I personally know a woman who stated that she will not allow her teen daughter to sleepover at a house where a stepfather is in the picture. It did not matter that this particular stepfather was a good man who had been married about twenty years and was the girl's father although not legal father.

 

The woman in question was basing her policy upon her own tragic experience and those of others she had encountered.

[LibraryLover]

I'm not going to comment on the rest, other than to say I would need more info about the dynamic of the relationship to know how I felt about it, and it seems a lot of people here are making a lot of assumptions.

 

 

Yep.

[Parrothead]

I have no profound words. :grouphug::grouphug: I hope your family comes out the other side stronger.

[Impish]

Now you just have me doubting your story. I don't mean to be mean. ;) His wife's best friend, but she is not gay. Very interesting.

I'm not doubting. Probably didn't dawn on the brother that anyone would think his WIFE would need anyone but him for TeA, or *gasp* be attracted to another woman.

[annandatje]

Just talked to my sister who is visiting parents and they aren't handling it so well. Mom, who is in fragile state already from long term illness, got physically ill at the news. Dad reamed my brother a new one because of how it affected mom. Anything that puts my mom's health in jeopardy and he's a bear. What amazes me is that my brother expected them to understand. Don't know where he's been all these years... Living under a rock or head in the sand to think they would even condone it. Dad's ready to offer sil a way out, pay for her divorce etc. In his mind he's already disowned my brother and this morning, pulled all the money at the investment firm out. In his mind, if brother shows this much bad judgement in personal life, it carries over to the professional as well.

 

None of us can understand his thinking this would be okay with anyone in the family. It simply isn't who we are. Brother was surprised (really) by my dad's reaction and now according to sil he's physically ill as well.

 

My issue is the timing, how it affects my parents health. They are my main concern. It was really stupid to drop a bomb on them like that.

 

Religion has nothing to do with it regarding the sister wives thing. It was just the best it long, so making it short explanation.

 

And I know why he did it via email. He didn't have the guts to do a face to face because he knew it would cause anger and upset and he didn't want to deal with it.

 

That was the just the type of response my fragile family member feared when he revealed his news to extended family.

 

Maybe I'll come across answer in later posts, but I'm wondering ... if the 3rd member of their new union had been important to them for the past twenty years, how was it a big surprise? Did anyone even know of 3rd member's existence before now? Did you know of her only as a friend? How far away geographically was brother? If this sort of relationship was developing over the years, I guess I'm surprised that family is surprised unless distance made it difficult to realize what was transpiring.

[LibraryLover]

I'm not doubting. Probably didn't dawn on the brother that anyone would think his WIFE would need anyone but him for TeA, or *gasp* be attracted to another woman.

 

 

Heh. ;) lol

[annandatje]

My feeling is that there is a very strong possibility that this is not just a "sister wives" thing, but that the third woman has a s*xual relationship with both the brother and the wife. The brother didn't say, "I have a second wife." He talked about the new woman as a third partner in his marriage with his wife. For all we know, the wife was the one who had lesbian tendencies and she talked the brother into the new relationship.

 

That was my initial take on the story too.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Disclaimer: I would not be comfortable with this situation in my extended family. Not sure how I would handle it.

 

That being said, it seems to be jumping to a lot of conclusions to assume that this was an infidelity situation and SIL is just going along with it in order to keep her husband. For all anyone knows, Brother and SIL could have begun married life with a long-term plan to do this, or maybe they discussed it for years before anyone with whom they'd both be happy came along. Maybe SIL confided in her friend and found friend open to something similar. Maybe this relationship has been taking place for quite some time and they've just now decided to go public with it.

 

Nobody here is a fly living on the wall of that home. Just sayin'.:001_smile:

Edited September 5, 2012 by LemonPie

[annandatje]

:iagree:with both of you.

 

I've known many multi-adult families. Some of them I have thought were unhealthy. Some of them I have admired and respected. In some of them, I thought that issues related to children were handled with exceptional wisdom and sensitivity. In others, I thought that children were being epxosed to emotional or physical risks. So it's pretty much been the same as with the two-adult families I know.

 

I wouldn't make any blanket assumptions about the relative power of men vs. women in non-religious polyamorous families, or about who the driving force was behind opening up the relationship.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[annandatje]

Of course. Any time anyone has close access to your children, you have to be careful. Any time there's a relationship (romantic or otherwise), you need to be aware of the children's feelings.

 

There's a difference between being aware of the possibility (which I suspect members of this board who are involved in such things are - these are not stupid people) and painting everything with a broad brush or saying that they should happen at all because of the possibility.

 

Many kids are abused by stepparents or boyfriends/girlfriends of their single parents, but few people would disown a single parent for dating, or suggest that doing so was inherently so harmful that it shouldn't happen. Same with kids participating in sports/scouts/church groups/etc. Or, for that matter, homeschooling.

 

 

 

You know, the exposure most of the US has to nonmonogamous relationships is Sister Wives and fundamentalist patriarchal religions of various flavors. But that's just the most visible subsection. I don't thing there's any reason to believe that it was necessarily male midlife crisis that led to this. Perhaps the two women were the instigators.

 

:iagree:

[Trish]

OK, I have to admit that I was actually thinking more highly of SIL when I thought she was bi-sexual and that she, your brother, and the other woman were a threesome in all senses of the word. At least there would be equality there. Equal benefits for all parties involved.

 

But this whole "being fine with your best friend having s*x with your dh" thing just absolutely and totally creeps me out. :ack2:

 

Here's the deal, people -- and I don't care if I'm not politically correct on this one. Your best friend is your best friend. Your husband is your husband. Your husband does not have s*x with your best friend, unless you're also having s*x with your best friend's husband and he's way hotter than your husband is.

 

That SIL really needs to get with the program and realize that she's being an absolute fool.

 

And once again, look at me not caring if I'm politically correct. :D

 

Yeah, yeah, I know they can do whatever they want, and if it makes them happy, that's fine and all, but my personal opinion is that the brother is a selfish jerk and SIL is an idiot.

 

EDITED TO ADD: Robin, I'm sorry I'm saying mean things about your brother. I know you love him, but all I know about him is this one thing, and I'm having a tough time viewing him in a positive light based on the little I know about him. :grouphug:

 

Heh! I just saw an episode of Hoarders where in addition to the house being a filthy cluttered mess, the couple's marriage was in a similar shambles, and the husband was having an affair with the couple's ostensible "best friend." This was a secret until it came out in a session with the counselor. The husband decided to re-commit to the wife, and was supposed to tell the Family Friend (heretofore FF) it was "over," although he and his wife had gotten kicked out of their cluttered home by the authorities due to health/safety issues. (Their teenage son wisely decided to take up residence in a tent in the backyard, where his life seemed greatly improved.) The couple moved in with FF.

 

Anyway, the Big Cleanup Day comes (complete with trucks, dumpsters, camera crew and agog neighbors), and the husband invites FF to HELP. They are very chummy, laughing& joking, going through the couple's PERSONAL PAPERS while the wife works uncomfortably lugging big stuff out back. Finally the counselor approaches FF to get her perspective on the process and how things are going. FF is all jolly, she is HAPPY to help, heck, she's the Benefactress of this poor couple. Then the counselor says, well, we know you've been intimate with so-and-so, which makes things a little awkward here. Did he not tell you we all know?

 

Well her demeanor changes into one of a wronged (insert your favorite greek goddess here) Next thing you know the camera follows her huffily marching out of there, flinging a can and an expletive at one of the giant mounds of garbage as she goes.

 

Moral of the story: be sure to get a FULL day's work out of your paramour before letting total strangers break bad news to them. Oh, and best to get your luggage out of their house, too.

 

As an aside, this husband DID want a threesome, but the wife has ixnayed it previously.

 

Not that there's anything wrong with any of this?

Edited September 5, 2012 by Trish