Trying to pick my jaw up off the ground: brother's announcement

[kalanamak]

 

It's not like this is a longstanding cultural thing for the family; then I could understand it, because it would be customary and not unusual, but I cannot for the life of me, possibly fathom how this topic came up in conversation between Robin's brother and his wife, without the evening ending in her identifying the body at the county morgue.

 

You know the old saying: men won't buy the cow when they get the cream for free?

 

Well, maybe she wants the cow but not the cream. I am thinking of a cash cow, a security cow, an I have my comfy life and am glad to have him occupied somewhere else cow.

[astrid]

Well you know what Kody says, "Love should be multiplied, not divided!" :tongue_smilie:;)

 

astrid

[LibraryLover]

 

Well, maybe she wants the cow but not the cream. I am thinking of a cash cow, a security cow, an I have my comfy life and am glad to have him occupied somewhere else cow.

 

 

LOL I am good with that.

[Plucky]

Well you know what Kody says, "Love should be multiplied, not divided!" :tongue_smilie:;)

 

astrid

 

That only seems to work to his benefit. The wives aren't taking husbands. :tongue_smilie:

[LibraryLover]

That only seems to work to his benefit. The wives aren't taking husbands. :tongue_smilie:

 

But the wives might be having each other. :hurray:

Edited September 5, 2012 by LibraryLover

[stripe]

Heh! I just saw an episode of Hoarders where in addition to the house being a filthy cluttered mess, the couple's marriage was in a similar shambles, and the husband was having an affair with the couple's ostensible "best friend."

 

i once saw an episode of one of those courtroom shows where this one couple was on and the lawsuit was against the neighbor. I forgot all the details, but this neighbor (at the mobile home park) approached the couple to ask if the man would donate sperm so she could have a baby.

 

Except, as the wife went on to say, there was no artificial insemination.

[Plucky]

But the 'wives' might be having each other. :hurray:

 

Hmmm, I don't know. I don't think the wives are always happy. I caught part of one episode with the wives crying about the new wife and feeling insecure. They get paid to look happy.

[LibraryLover]

Hmmm, I don't know. I don't think the wives are always happy. I caught part of one episode with the wives crying about the new wife and feeling insecure. They get paid to look happy.

 

The folks in the OP have a TV show?

[Trilliums]

Can I get a brother husband around just to look at?

[annandatje]

Now you just have me doubting your story. I don't mean to be mean. ;) His wife's best friend, but she is not gay. Very interesting.

 

Mmm hmmm.

[Catwoman]

Well you know what Kody says, "Love should be multiplied, not divided!" :tongue_smilie:;)

 

 

:D :D :D :D

 

Well, if you can't trust Kody's wisdom, whose can you trust? :rolleyes:

 

And I know this doesn't have anything to do with the OP, but what woman in her right mind would ever even agree to go out for coffee with Kody, let alone be one of his wives? :ack2:

 

You'd have to be incredibly desperate to marry Kody.

 

Oh, who am I kidding. If the choice was between "marry Kody" and "commit suicide," I'd be researching the specifics of how many of which pills I would have to take. There is simply no way I'd end up with that moron, whether as his only wife or as one of many. I wouldn't even want to sit next to him at Dunkin Donuts. He's creepy.

[MistyMountain]

I didn't read all the responses but I am shocked at all the negativity. If it was my family member I would accept them for who they are and take the advice he gave in the email. They are adults and they are happy. I see no signs that this is a forced arrangement where the women are being taken advantage of. Not all children keep the religion they were raised in. They are doing what makes them happy and they are not harming any one else including children who should gasp know the truth that everyone has different beliefs. I would not write family out of my life for something like that and it does not even remotely relate to someone who beats their wife. I had friends who truly wanted a triad relationship. It isn't my thing or who I am but it isn't harming anyone. I doubt it was forced or he wanted to cheat but took another wife instead. I think there a lot of misconceptions here. It may be against your belief system but not everyone has the same belief system. We don't have to shun them for having different views. Would people shun people and shut them out of their lives for being gay, getting a divorce or other things that are listed in the bible that a lot of people do not follow? Is it that hard to tell kids that the bible says a relationship is between a man and a women and that is your beliefs. You think what he does goes against the bible but he is still Uncle so and so and we still love him even if we live by the bible and he does not. He did it in email probably so he had time to craft his thoughts and explain his position where he probably wouldn't have a chance to do that on the phone or in person

Edited September 5, 2012 by MistyMountain

[Elizabeth in MN]

I'm just gonna homeschool while Rome burns, and teach the kids that Nero wasn't a Superhero. And if they bring home any subsequent wives to add to the posse, then the Christmas gift remains the same size, they have to just split it up in whatever decimal-friendly way works.

 

I love this. :iagree: I'm going to have more to say, but I am trying to read the thread before it gets closed down for being too big.

 

Well, I finally got to the end of the thread which is seventeen pages strong!

 

Personally, I have had many chances to think about polyamory and polygamy over the decades. It started back in 1991 when my bisexual self was dating a bisexual man. He was head over heals in love with the idea that I wouldn't be threatened with his sexuality AND he loved the idea of me bring girls home to share. He had our future planned of being lovers and roommates and kids and the whole nine yards. Things with him did not work out. Why? Because he never asked me how I felt about his plans.

 

So time passed and I met and fell in love with a straight man and we even married (1998). He wanted and open relationship (*coughBECAUSEHECAN'TKEEPITINHISPANTScough*) and I was okay with it because I thought that I was his main relationship and thus came first. I had had open relationship with girlfriends in the past but they never worked out. After our daughter was born I asked that we be monogamous for a while, to concentrate on becoming a family unit. He agreed, or so I thought. It came out two years later that he was still dating other women behind my back, and having unsafe sex to boot. That was the end of our marriage.

 

In 2004 I was baptized LDS. This had me examining polygamy as it is a part of the past of the LDS church. I did my best Winnie the Pooh impression and thought, thought, though. Then Sister Wives came along and that has given me a LOT of food for thought.

 

For me the basic difference between polyamory and polygamy is marriage. Marriage should be a big deal. Lots of people have said that Cody Brown just has a wife and three girlfriends. A wife is way more work than a girlfriend. In many ways I respect polygamy more than polyamory because of the marriage commitment. People work harder, generally speaking, to save a marriage than to save a dating relationship. In my time I have never seen a polyamorous relationship last past five years. More often than not they didn't make it past the one year mark. That is my personal experience. I have no personal experience with polygamous relationships.

 

In any relationship the success or failure depends 100% on the people in it. Everyone of us has problems with our relationship with others. No relationship is perfect. In general if people are committed to the relationship - sexual or not - they will work to keep it growing and healthy. Marriage is a commitment.

 

So, my thoughts on what the OP has said are many. I would tell my brother that I love him. I would tell him that I was dubious of the new relationship and that I would wait for it to be at least a year old before introducing my children to the woman. I would say that once the marriage had the blessing of a holy person and after a year that the new woman would be treated as an aunt in my family unit. I would require a sit-down between my brother, SIL and the new woman to talk about it all because I need to read body language.

 

So there is my $1.50. Can I get a Coke now? ; )

Edited September 5, 2012 by Elizabeth in MN
adding thoughts

[Catwoman]

I love this. :iagree: I'm going to have more to say, but I am trying to read the thread before it gets closed down for being too big.

 

Come on, Elizabeth. Get caught up. We're waiting.

 

:toetap05: :toetap05: :toetap05: :toetap05:

 

 

Not that we're getting impatient or anything. :D

[aggieamy]

I first need to start off by saying that I have a jealous streak that would leave me no other option but murder if DH suggested a sister-wife.

 

I don't care if her brother is Ryan Gosling in a kilt; I'm just not getting this.

 

 

Whoa whoa whoa. Let's not be too hasty. Robin - is your brother Ryan Gosling in a kilt because that will change my opinion. DH would be okay with a brother-husband. I haven't asked him yet but I can't see him minding that.

 

Can I get a brother husband around just to look at?

 

Also pertinent information. Robin - is your brother David Tennant? Because if he is then Trilliums and I might end up sister-wives.

Edited September 5, 2012 by aggieamy

[melmichigan]

Well, maybe she wants the cow but not the cream. I am thinking of a cash cow, a security cow, an I have my comfy life and am glad to have him occupied somewhere else cow.

 

This crossed my mind too.

[aggieamy]

On a serious note - :grouphug:

 

Robin, I hope your mother is doing better tomorrow and everyone in your family has a nice uneventful, relaxing day.

Edited September 5, 2012 by aggieamy

[Elizabeth in MN]

If I can have David Tennant and Ryan Gossling as brother-husbands or part of an open relationship plan then I take back everything I said about open relationships not working.

[Denisemomof4]

If I can have David Tennant and Ryan Gossling as brother-husbands or part of an open relationship plan then I take back everything I said about open relationships not working.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Robin M]

Yeah, something not right is going on there. Is the sil beaten down? Desperate? Very weird.

 

No to none of the above. Yet, my dad thinks this woman has brainwashed them both into something.

 

Something just occurred to me.

 

We're talking about Robin's mom and how this announcement is upsetting her to the point of illness...

 

But what about SIL's mom? :eek: This has to be much worse for her.

 

Think about it.

 

"Oh, hi Mom, how's it going? Hey, remember Jenny, my best friend back in junior high school? Yeah, that's her. Well, she's going to be moving into our house so Bob can have s*x with her whenever he wants to. Mom... Mom... are you OK? SOMEBODY CALL 911!" :svengo:

 

I mean, it's bad enough for Robin's family, but at least her brother is the one getting two women to have s*x with. He's getting something out of this deal. What does SIL get? The woman was already her best friend, so if she's not s*xually interested in her, where's the benefit? Her family must be ready to kidnap her and have her committed. (Unless she's so awful that they're just glad to get rid of her, but then why would Robin's brother and SIL want her, either?)

 

And truly, how desperate are these two women that they are willing to share Robin's brother? I don't care if her brother is Ryan Gosling in a kilt; I'm just not getting this.

 

It's not like this is a longstanding cultural thing for the family; then I could understand it, because it would be customary and not unusual, but I cannot for the life of me, possibly fathom how this topic came up in conversation between Robin's brother and his wife, without the evening ending in her identifying the body at the county morgue.

 

Father died some years ago and her mother died last year. I think if she were still alive, SIL wouldn't have agreed to anything for fear of mortifying her mother. Her brother and sister are livid. They've been assimilated by my family so already been calling us about sister losing her mind. My brother's a dork, cute, but a middle aged brainy dork with out any common sense whatsoever.

 

SIL says and I quote with names removed

 

 

 

The first moment brother knew he was attracted to D – in fact had the same sense of connection he’d only felt once before – he sat down with SIL and we discussed it. And we decided to proceed forward, carefully and together, to wherever the path might take us. There has never been any deception or disrespect. And along the way SIL and D found in each other a closer friend than either have ever had.

I would have murdered him right then and there.

 

 

That was the just the type of response my fragile family member feared when he revealed his news to extended family.

 

Maybe I'll come across answer in later posts, but I'm wondering ... if the 3rd member of their new union had been important to them for the past twenty years, how was it a big surprise? Did anyone even know of 3rd member's existence before now? Did you know of her only as a friend? How far away geographically was brother? If this sort of relationship was developing over the years, I guess I'm surprised that family is surprised unless distance made it difficult to realize what was transpiring.

 

D appeared in their lives 2 years ago approximately.

 

Disclaimer: I would not be comfortable with this situation in my extended family. Not sure how I would handle it.

 

That being said, it seems to be jumping to a lot of conclusions to assume that this was an infidelity situation and SIL is just going along with it in order to keep her husband. For all anyone knows, Brother and SIL could have begun married life with a long-term plan to do this, or maybe they discussed it for years before anyone with whom they'd both be happy came along. Maybe SIL confided in her friend and found friend open to something similar. Maybe this relationship has been taking place for quite some time and they've just now decided to go public with it.

 

Nobody here is a fly living on the wall of that home. Just sayin'.:001_smile:

 

Nope. She feels strongly about infidelity which has us scratching our heads over this whole thing.

 

You know the old saying: men won't buy the cow when they get the cream for free?

 

Well, maybe she wants the cow but not the cream. I am thinking of a cash cow, a security cow, an I have my comfy life and am glad to have him occupied somewhere else cow.

 

I don't think she has a job so will be supported by them.

 

I first need to start off by saying that I have a jealous streak that would leave me no other option but murder if DH suggested a sister-wife.

 

Right there with you

 

Whoa whoa whoa. Let's not be too hasty. Robin - is your brother Ryan Gosling in a kilt because that will change my opinion. DH would be okay with a brother-husband. I haven't asked him yet but I can't see him minding that.

:lol:Nope - no Ryan Gosling in a Kilt.

 

 

Also pertinent information. Robin - is your brother David Tennant? Because if he is then Trilliums and I might end up sister-wives.

 

Sorry to disappoint but no.

[Heather in Neverland]

The whole idea of it just exhausts me. I can barely maintain the relationships I already have in life. I can't imagine complicating them further. Obviously these people have more time and energy than I do.

 

 

 

.

[Robin M]

On a serious note - :grouphug:

 

Robin, I hope your mother is doing better tomorrow and everyone in your family has a nice uneventful, relaxing day.

 

 

Thank you Amy. I hope so too. At least my sister and her husband are there so I don't have to worry so much. Otherwise would be hopping on a plane.

[kalanamak]

I don't think she has a job so will be supported by them.

 

.

 

I was thinking of your SIL wanting the cow but not the cream.

 

Thinking about it, perhaps it is the Stockholm Syndrome on the part of your SIL.

[aggieamy]

RE: You're brother not being David Tennant.

 

 

Sorry to disappoint but no.

 

Probably a good thing because can you imagine what trouble you'd have been in if you knew David Tennant and didn't tell us. That would not have gone over well on the board.

[Georgiana Daniels]

Wow, really selfish timing on the brother's part.

 

It's hard to get through a bombshell, and even harder to explain to kids and make a smooth transition. But truly, don't family members often do things that we morally disagree with? Granted, this is a biggie, but a teaching moment nonetheless. It IS a good time to reinforce what you believe and why.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

:001_huh:

[Catwoman]

No to none of the above. Yet, my dad thinks this woman has brainwashed them both into something.

 

 

She certainly wormed her way into their lives in less than 2 years in a way that a "normal" best friend wouldn't do, and the fact that it appears she doesn't work and expects your brother and SIL to support her does lend a lot of credibility to the manipulation angle. I was thinking that she was SIL's lifelong best friend, not a new acquaintance who was quite possibly planning this whole thing right from the start.

 

 

Father died some years ago and her mother died last year. I think if she were still alive, SIL wouldn't have agreed to anything for fear of mortifying her mother. Her brother and sister are livid.

 

Maybe SIL feels that she has nowhere else to go if she doesn't agree to this new arrangement. Is she close to her brother and sister? Would they help her if she decided to leave your brother? Her reaction to your brother's revelation that he was attracted to her new friend is bizarre, and that's putting it mildly. Who in their right mind would have had anything to do with the "friend" after that??? And your brother is lucky he was married to your SIL and not to any woman I have ever met, because even the most clingy, desperate woman I have ever known wouldn't have been OK with it. I know that others may disagree with me, but I think your SIL needs some serious psychological help.

 

My brother's a dork, cute, but a middle aged brainy dork with out any common sense whatsoever.

 

So basically, he would be the ideal victim for a manipulative woman. He is right at that midlife crisis age and has never been much of a ladies' man, and then all of a sudden this new woman is crazy about him. His wife is so desperate to hold on to her marriage that she will agree to anything. The new woman is fine with SIL still being around because she works and will bring money into the house.

 

Why am I suspecting that SIL will also be doing most of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry?

 

I know there are people here who will say that this is simply a lifestyle choice, but let's be honest here. This isn't a cultural thing, and it's not something that very many "average American couples" decide to do with their lives. It's probably not something that most of us ever even thought about before that stupid Sister Wives show came on TV. Sure, it existed in a very tiny minority of people, but I'll bet most of us never knew any of them. Your brother and SIL were both born and raised in "one man and one wife" families. They lived as husband and wife for all these years until this new woman shows up, and all of a sudden, everything your brother and SIL have ever known is thrown out the window?

 

I think something is very odd about this whole situation. I think your brother is being a gullible fool because another woman is telling him how hot and s*xy he is, and your SIL is just plain desperate.

 

I am so sorry your family is stuck dealing with this.

 

I hope your brother and SIL don't add this woman to their bank accounts or put her name on the deed to their house, because I am very suspicious of her motives.

Edited September 5, 2012 by Catwoman

[ErinE]

The whole idea of it just exhausts me. I can barely maintain the relationships I already have in life. I can't imagine complicating them further. Obviously these people have more time and energy than I do.

 

My thoughts exactly!

[Jenny in Florida]

He clearly didn't show the best judgment in the manner in which he informed your parents, knowing how they took it and that it could reasonably be anticipated that they would not take it well.

 

That said, just when WOULD the time have been right? Some things are going to be a shock no matter how/when they are presented.

 

As for the new relationship itself, I hope you'll discount overgeneralizations and assumptions such as those that have been made here and accept it for what it is and nothing more--or less.

 

Gotta say, not thrilled with the notion that some people still equate consenting ADULT relationships with putting children at risk of being abused. The one has NOTHING to do with the other.

 

Good grief, exactly.

 

I've been trying to decide as I read this whole thread, given how strongly the brother's family is reacting, how it would have made this situation better or easier for anyone if the happy trio had travelled from home to home dropping this news on each person individually. It seems to me that a well-thought-out and well-written, classy e-mail sent to everyone at the same time is a whole lot more sensible.

 

And, yes, the whole thing about putting kids at risk just because your relationship doesn't look like what the majority thinks is "normal" is appalling. Honestly, the last time I checked, the vast majority of people who sexually abused children are heterosexual males. But no reasonable person walks into every single room watching for those scary married guys.

 

Look, this kind of relationship wouldn't float my personal boat. And I'm sure it would be more than a little surprising to hear that someone I thought I knew well had made such a major change in his life. But, really, it doesn't sound like anyone is getting hurt, here. They are all consenting adults, and the brother doesn't sound flaky or mean spirited. He's just trying to be honest with his loved ones about his life and his family.

 

Mytwoblessings, I'm terribly sorry that your mom is ill and that she took this news so badly. However, I can't get comfortable with the idea that her reaction is your brother's fault. This is clearly a big, important thing for him, and I don't see how it's fair or reasonable or kind to expect him to keep it to himself -- and risk the feelings of the two women he loves -- because he is expected to know that a family member will have such an intense response.

 

I work all the time with my son on helping him to understand that, although we can't control our emotions, we can certainly learn to control our reactions to them. The fact that another kid hurts his feelings does not give him permission to punch the kid in the face. He's hurt, but he's responsible for his behavior, nonetheless. Obviously, your mom's situation is not analogous, because she's already vulnerable. But I still think there's value in the comparison.

 

I'm truly very sorry your family is having such a hard time with this. I hope everyone finds a way to make peace and get on with your lives.

[JennifersLost]

I think Catwoman has nailed it.

 

Have you done a criminal records check on this woman? I know here in BC I can do it online for free. I think I'd be doing some major snooping around.

 

I know, I know - one should be supportive and open to others, but this situation has all my red flags up. I'd be checking up on this woman in every way I know how.

 

And I think your dad was very smart to pull his money out of your brother's business - if there is something funky happening, you don't want him losing his savings, too. He's spot on; if your brother can be talked into bringing a grownup into his marriage and home who will contribute nothing to the bottom line but expect to be treated like family - he is not to be trusted with anyone else's money. This is really, really fishy.

 

A question - did the "email" sound like it actually came from your brother, or do you think the new woman actually wrote it?

[Audrey]

The whole idea of it just exhausts me. I can barely maintain the relationships I already have in life. I can't imagine complicating them further. Obviously these people have more time and energy than I do.

 

 

 

.

 

 

Yes. This.

[SunnyDays]

I was really prepared to be "live and let live" about this... I know I'd have a hard time with it but you also can't control your extended family, and really, who would want to??

 

However... I'm with Cat in that alarm bells are going off now. They've been married 20 years, only known the other woman 2 years? She doesn't work? Your SIL has lost both her parents, one very recently?? It just seems very odd and sudden, and if it were my family member, I'm sure I'd be asking a few questions.

 

I'm so sorry your family has had such a shock. I think your dad has the right idea hedging his bets, and I do hope your mom is able to get some rest and feel better. :grouphug:

[hollyh]

I think something fishy is up too. Even SIL's comments about how they decided to pursue the relationship together to see where it goes... it was weird and very rehearsed sounding. Besides, that is likely not the response one would have when dh tells you he is "into" your friend!

 

I have a SIL (now) who manipulated my brother into a relationship and family through a LOT of DISGUSTING lies. Everything about her was a lie. My mom researched her on FB, MySpace, news articles from High School, birth and hospital records in multiple states, etc. (my mom would be a great P.I.). It didn't matter, he still married her (likely b/c they then had a kid), but at least everything was out in the open. When something sounds fishy... it usually is.

[IsabelC]

Good grief, exactly.

 

I've been trying to decide as I read this whole thread, given how strongly the brother's family is reacting, how it would have made this situation better or easier for anyone if the happy trio had travelled from home to home dropping this news on each person individually. It seems to me that a well-thought-out and well-written, classy e-mail sent to everyone at the same time is a whole lot more sensible.

 

And, yes, the whole thing about putting kids at risk just because your relationship doesn't look like what the majority thinks is "normal" is appalling. Honestly, the last time I checked, the vast majority of people who sexually abused children are heterosexual males. But no reasonable person walks into every single room watching for those scary married guys.

 

Look, this kind of relationship wouldn't float my personal boat. And I'm sure it would be more than a little surprising to hear that someone I thought I knew well had made such a major change in his life. But, really, it doesn't sound like anyone is getting hurt, here. They are all consenting adults, and the brother doesn't sound flaky or mean spirited. He's just trying to be honest with his loved ones about his life and his family.

 

Mytwoblessings, I'm terribly sorry that your mom is ill and that she took this news so badly. However, I can't get comfortable with the idea that her reaction is your brother's fault. This is clearly a big, important thing for him, and I don't see how it's fair or reasonable or kind to expect him to keep it to himself -- and risk the feelings of the two women he loves -- because he is expected to know that a family member will have such an intense response.

 

I work all the time with my son on helping him to understand that, although we can't control our emotions, we can certainly learn to control our reactions to them. The fact that another kid hurts his feelings does not give him permission to punch the kid in the face. He's hurt, but he's responsible for his behavior, nonetheless. Obviously, your mom's situation is not analogous, because she's already vulnerable. But I still think there's value in the comparison.

 

I'm truly very sorry your family is having such a hard time with this. I hope everyone finds a way to make peace and get on with your lives.

 

:iagree: I was going to respond but that just about covers everything I wanted to say.

[Catwoman]

I think Catwoman has nailed it.

 

Have you done a criminal records check on this woman? I know here in BC I can do it online for free. I think I'd be doing some major snooping around.

 

I know, I know - one should be supportive and open to others, but this situation has all my red flags up. I'd be checking up on this woman in every way I know how.

 

And I think your dad was very smart to pull his money out of your brother's business - if there is something funky happening, you don't want him losing his savings, too. He's spot on; if your brother can be talked into bringing a grownup into his marriage and home who will contribute nothing to the bottom line but expect to be treated like family - he is not to be trusted with anyone else's money. This is really, really fishy.

 

A question - did the "email" sound like it actually came from your brother, or do you think the new woman actually wrote it?

 

I think something fishy is up too. Even SIL's comments about how they decided to pursue the relationship together to see where it goes... it was weird and very rehearsed sounding. Besides, that is likely not the response one would have when dh tells you he is "into" your friend!

 

However... I'm with Cat in that alarm bells are going off now. They've been married 20 years, only known the other woman 2 years? She doesn't work? Your SIL has lost both her parents, one very recently?? It just seems very odd and sudden, and if it were my family member, I'm sure I'd be asking a few questions.

 

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees the big red flags. I was hesitant to post about what I was thinking, because I figured most people might tell me that I was standing in the path of true love.

 

As far as I'm concerned, I think Robin's brother and SIL are standing in the path of a speeding train, and I think that train is the new woman in their home.

 

As others have already asked -- did the emails seem like they were phrased in the way that brother and SIL usually speak, or did they seem like someone else may have had a big hand in writing them? I thought the emails sounded very contrived and well-rehearsed, and if the new woman is pulling the strings, it's no wonder Robin's brother and SIL didn't speak with their families in person -- the new woman wouldn't want the families to get the chance to influence their decision, so it makes perfect sense that she may have talked them into sending the emails instead. It would be entirely to her benefit to alienate the brother and SIL from their families, and sending a shocker of an email could very well accomplish just that.

 

I'm not usually that big into conspiracy theories, but the more I hear, the more I believe that something seems very "off" here. It is very difficult for me to imagine that the new woman's motives aren't highly suspect. As has already been suggested, I would be doing some serious checking on that woman's background.

Edited September 5, 2012 by Catwoman

[EducationX2]

I think we all would do well to remember that it's really hard to judge anything just hearing second hand information.

 

And, that we don't know who is behind all these computers. Our best friend on the boards may be sitting with their husband and sister wife, shocked at the new side we have revealed.

 

As a teenage employee of a famous movie rental chain, I had a manager comment to me that "We don't hire those types of people here" referring to the gay guy who just requested an application. Me and the girl I was dating at the time, who was also an employee, and who was also standing right there to overhear STILL to this day laugh about it, and it was... 10 years ago? Just a really striking example of you never really know who you are talking too when it comes to sensitive topics like this.... (and, FTR: we were keeping it silent not because of the gender issue, but because she was a manager and I was an employee. An entirely different set of ethics. But, she's still my best friend, and the company is almost out of business, I'll call it a win. :D)

 

Back to the it being hard to judge- it almost seems to me like the wife in this situation is maybe feeling like she doesn't want to have s*x, so she may as well let husband get it elsewhere with her permission instead of behind her back. I wonder how she'll feel when her drive returns and they've already set up shop? How would things go if she wanted to add someone?

 

As someone who doesn't fit neatly into the hetero/homo s*xual box (and doesn't identify as bis*xual either.....) I guess it takes more than this to surprise me. I could see myself in a polygamous relationship just as I could see myself in a monogamous relationship in the same way that I could see myself with either a man or a woman. I evaluate each situation on it's own merits.... does this work for me, does this feel right? Okay then.

It should come as no surprise that if my brother (you know.. if I had a brother... :lol:) were to announce something like this I probably wouldn't even bat an eye.

 

Oh, and one more thing that I was thinking of as I was reading 19 pages. The timing of the brother's revelation does seem selfish and bad. However, if this relationship has been going on in secret from the family, the brother may have been feeling cut off and isolated. When you have a secret from the people you love, it changes the relationship. Maybe he wanted to get it out there so that he could go about spending time with his mother while she's ill and not feel the strain of the secret weighing down?

[Catwoman]

It should come as no surprise that if my brother (you know.. if I had a brother... :lol:) were to announce something like this I probably wouldn't even bat an eye.

 

I suspect you might think differently if you really had a brother, liked your SIL, and something like this actually happened. I'm not saying you wouldn't still love your brother and come to accept his decision, but I'm pretty sure this would be a shock to just about anyone who hadn't grown up with this particular lifestyle choice as a common option.

 

Personally, I think it would be a lot easier to accept a brother doing this, than if your sister was in Robin's SIL's position. I can't imagine thinking it was a good idea for my sister to "share" her dh with a woman who was nothing more than a platonic friend to her. (And what kind of rotten lousy friend starts having s*x with your dh??? Why would it ever even occur to her that something like that would be OK??? I'm sorry, but FRIEND does not describe that other woman!) As I mentioned in an earlier post, at least Robin's brother gets the benefit of s*x with two different women; what does SIL get out of it but a sense of inadequacy, envy, and jealousy?

 

How would you even talk about something like that without getting yourself thrown out of the house or killed? :confused:

 

"Gosh, honey, you're just not enough woman for me any more, but your best friend is a hottie, so I was thinking that you should be OK with her moving into our house and having s*x with me, while you and I work to support her."

 

"Well, sure thing, Bob. My friend would be perfect for you in bed, and I'll just move into the spare room so you two can have your special time together while I'm all alone and completely rejected. But thank goodness she's such a true friend to me. Otherwise, this might be kind of weird."

 

Not happening at my house. :glare:

Edited September 5, 2012 by Catwoman

[nd293]

The email announcement is...not the right way.

 

While I understand why email might seem impersonal and inappropriate, I think it might be the only sensible choice in such an emotional situation. It allows people to have their first reactions in private, and work through their initial responses before responding to the news. In family relationships, that might be healthier - many a relationship has been ruined by quick words which are hard to take back. It must have been very, very hard for the OP's brother to share this news with his family. I can see why the OP is shocked - most of us would be - but her brother's email sounds sensible and caring.

[fraidycat]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I hope your Mom recovers quickly from the shock.

 

I agree with the others that there are some definite red flags there, and I feel really bad for your SIL. I really don't think she is anywhere near being in her "right mind", having lost her own mother within the past year. To me, your Bro seems clueless, SIL seems "foggy", and New Woman seems sneaky and manipulative.

 

It probably wouldn't hurt to have a background check run on her. Get all the deets from your SIL re: how/when they met, where is she from, etc. You know - casual conversation about your "newest family member" while you try to digest this news... until you have enough that you can cross check to see if she's legit.

[Aelwydd]

Being a little too open and anything goes though can reduce one's instincts. My father had an open marriage and both my sisters were molested. We also had dinner with a pedophile when we were kids and my stepmom knew about it.

 

I'm sorry, but that's a red herring, True. Molestation is a problem that exists within and with out all sorts of relationships. Most marriages in the U.S. are comprised of only two adults at a time, so by your logic, molestation and incest should be pretty darn rare. Statistics say otherwise.

 

Also, I have some unfortunate family history on one side to inform me on this issue in a personal way. If I were to take my grandfather's example as you took your father's for a rule, then molestation/incest would be the result of having one father and mother, never married to anyone else but each other, never having any other relationships with anyone else, who were Christian, fundamentalist, and very conservative.

 

Should I start drawing conclusions about all the families that fit that mold about their increased likelihood for being molested by their fathers or brothers?

[Aelwydd]

I am not a fan of polygamy, frankly, but I think people can be thoughtful about their choices AND be religious at the same time.

 

I agree, they can be. My biased perception is that the majority of religiously motivated polygamous marriages are not based upon equality or shared attraction. Although I grant that there are emotional bonds that may compensate or be enough between wives.

 

Honestly, when its religiously motivated, I always immediately suspect a patriarchal, unilateral type relationship, but again, that's my own bias speaking.

[Aelwydd]

Please keep in mind that there are people on these boards who have open relationships. This is not hypothesis - I could name individuals (but have no desire to interfere with anyone's privacy).

 

Equating open relationships with child molestation is exceptionally insulting to these people, who I know to be dedicated, loving parents who would never knowingly place their child in such a situation. Most people that I know who practice non-religiously-motivated/non-patriarchal polyamory tend to have very strong (if not mainstream) ethics and feelings about consent.

 

I'm sorry you had that experience, but this is an incredibly hurtful and potentially dangerous generalization.

 

Yes, this exactly.

[marbel]

Disclaimer: I would not be comfortable with this situation in my extended family. Not sure how I would handle it.

 

That being said, it seems to be jumping to a lot of conclusions to assume that this was an infidelity situation and SIL is just going along with it in order to keep her husband. For all anyone knows, Brother and SIL could have begun married life with a long-term plan to do this, or maybe they discussed it for years before anyone with whom they'd both be happy came along. Maybe SIL confided in her friend and found friend open to something similar. Maybe this relationship has been taking place for quite some time and they've just now decided to go public with it.

 

Nobody here is a fly living on the wall of that home. Just sayin'.:001_smile:

 

:iagree: People have such strong powers of inference. Even the OP does not know the whole story! And maybe never will. As a complete outsider to the situation, it's funny to me to watch this ball rolling and the conclusions people are coming to. (Obviously it is not a funny situation.)

 

But to the OP, I just send you and especially your parents a big :grouphug:. This would be an awful thing in my family.

Edited September 5, 2012 by marbel

[Mommyfaithe]

I agree, they can be. My biased perception is that the majority of religiously motivated polygamous marriages are not based upon equality or shared attraction. Although I grant that there are emotional bonds that may compensate or be enough between wives.

 

Honestly, when its religiously motivated, I always immediately suspect a patriarchal, unilateral type relationship, but again, that's my own bias speaking.

 

I think that is true....that it is your bias. There are all kinds of people, with all kinds of reasons to do what they do.....religious or not....and there are good and bad people of all sorts. Being gay doesn't automatically make you a good or bad person, being a Christian or a Muslim or a Jew or a Hindu or a Buddhist or an Athiest or an Agnostic etc., etc., etc., does not make you a good or a bad person. ( I am using the words " good and bad" in the typical sense....)

 

Bias is bias not matter which way the wind blows and we all have it. However, when it comes to family and friends, and personal relationships, I think we have to take it on a case by case assessment. If it was my brother and his wife....I would want to hear them out....and then say my piece......and then hold my peace. If there are children involved and abuse involved....that is a whole nutter can of worms. If my SIL was being abused....I would step in and offer support in any way possible.

 

This scenario....husband has affair with wife's best friend is an old, old, old song. It is almost typical.....sigh....and goes the other way too. Accepting that person into the picture as if it were the most normal thing in the world....is....ummmmmm.....weird.

 

OP: Please keep communications open with SIL if you have that type of relationship.....and help HER. she has got to have gone through the mill of emotions. How they came to this solution must have been a horrible heart breaker for her. :grouphug:

[GailV]

:grouphug: This whole thing could be the beginning of a wonderful, mature new relationship.

 

But, honestly, this part:

 

SIL says and I quote with names removed

 

The first moment brother knew he was attracted to D – in fact had the same sense of connection he’d only felt once before –

 

sounds like something out of a drippy teenage facebook post. Cue music swelling and angels singing about this super-special one-of-a-kind love affair. Yeah, right.

 

I mean, just because he has the stress of a new position in the company and SIL has the stress of bereavement, that couldn't possibly mean this isn't the best time to make decisions based on the feeling in his pants when he's around this woman.

 

And the sound you're hearing NOW isn't the angels singing the divine providence of this "same sense of connection" -- it's my eyes rolling so hard they're about to bounce across the floor.

[sparrow]

No to none of the above. Yet, my dad thinks this woman has brainwashed them both into something.

 

D appeared in their lives 2 years ago approximately.

 

 

I don't think she has a job so will be supported by them.

 

 

I think your dad could be on to something. I don't know about brainwashing, but an elaborate money/free living arrangement scam? Absolutely. The way you've described your brother and SIL, they sound like excellent targets. Wow.

[Ibbygirl]

 

SIL says and I quote with names removed

 

The first moment brother knew he was attracted to D – in fact had the same sense of connection he’d only felt once before – he sat down with SIL and we discussed it. And we decided to proceed forward, carefully and together, to wherever the path might take us. There has never been any deception or disrespect. And along the way SIL and D found in each other a closer friend than either have ever had.

 

And SIL is not attracted to her sexually? :confused:

 

 

Okay, I am truly stumped! I guess I am officially "Old-Fashioned" because I truly cannot wrap my head around this situation at all. Kalamanak's comment about the cow is probably the only thing that comes close in my mind to explaining it, but I still don't understand it. Completely mystified over here.

[Jane in NC]

Father died some years ago and her mother died last year. I think if she were still alive, SIL wouldn't have agreed to anything for fear of mortifying her mother. Her brother and sister are livid. They've been assimilated by my family so already been calling us about sister losing her mind.

 

 

I don't think she has a job so will be supported by them.

 

Did your SIL receive or is she due to receive a legacy from her parents?

[MBM]

I am wondering how this would all play out in court if the new partner gets pregnant, if one woman decides to leave, or both women decide to leave, or how alimony would be distributed...? For example, if the new woman gets pregnant and she is not married to him, would they all just pay for medical expenses out of pocket since the new woman is unemployed? Sounds like a situation that could get stressful and complicated.

Regardless, I feel sorry for your mother and father and hope they are able to bounce back.

[Ibbygirl]

The whole idea of it just exhausts me. I can barely maintain the relationships I already have in life. I can't imagine complicating them further. Obviously these people have more time and energy than I do.

 

 

 

.

 

LOL :iagree: Me too. I'm exhausted just trying to understand where the SIL is coming from. I'm completely dumbfounded. :confused: