I need some advice...

[Hot Lava Mama]

My brother-in-law (husband's older brother) just left after a week long visit. The last day of the visit, he gave money to some of my kids, and not to others. We have 5 kids. He only gave money to two of them. The others don't know about it, because he did it when they were alone. It was hundreds to each, so it isn't possible for us to "even it up" with the others.

 

Here's my problem, I don't like the unevenness of this. It is based soley on who he likes, and who he doesn't. Like I said before, though, the others don't know about it. For that matter, the two that did get money don't know the other one got money.

 

I told the two who got money to keep it to themselves because the others didn't get anything, and it would be evil and hurtful to let that be common knowledge.

 

My husband would never say anything to his brother because his brother is pretty much a father figure to my husand. My husband's father died with he was 10 years old, so his older brother took over as the father figure for the other 9 kids. My husband is VERY SENSATIVE when it comes to anything about his brother. In any event, my husand would probably just say "That's the way it is. Life isn't fair".

 

I just feel like that shouldn't happen in my house. If I were to speak up to my brother-in-law, it would cause a problem between my husband and me.

 

What should I do? Just keep mum about it and deal with it? It sucks!

Hot Lava Mama

[cjzimmer1]

Well one thing I would consider is the kids ages. I wouldn't worry about anyone under 3 or so because they don't really understand the value of money. When my two youngest were those ages, I actually told people not to give them gifts because we didn't need more toys and they didn't understand the "value" of things. Or I'd suggest a $5 item so the kid could have the fun of opening something even though other kids may have gotten a gift that was $20 or $30.

 

If all your kids are older, I would probably discuss with the two who got money. I would either put away in they savings account and not let them spend any of it (and thus no one would know) or I might have the kids with money combine it and distribute it equally among the kids or buy a large family gift with it.

 

I have relatives who play favorites and it's hard but I just address each encounter as it comes. I don't have hard a fast rules about fixing it as much as I won't allow it to becoming a dividing point for our family.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

If all your kids are older, I would probably discuss with the two who got money. I would either put away in they savings account and not let them spend any of it (and thus no one would know) or I might have the kids with money combine it and distribute it equally among the kids or buy a large family gift with it.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

I would probably talk to the two kids and share the money equally, or if the others are really little, then just make them put it in savings.

[Mom0012]

Depending on the ages of the kids, I'd be tempted to redistribute the wealth equally among them. Honestly, I wouldn't be thrilled with a relative giving one of my children that kind of money without my knowledge to begin with.

 

Lisa

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Three thoughts:

 

 

1. It doesn't seem fair to ask the kids that did get money to split it up evenly with the other kids.
   
2. You said it was too much money to give the other kids the same amount, so drop that idea and don't look back.
   
3. The other three kids are probably going to notice the extra things the two kids are going to spend the money on if it's hundred's of dollars. They will want to know where the money is coming from, and possibly wonder if it's from you.
   

 

I would have the kids put it in a CD or some other interest/savings option and make them save it for collage/18 years old.

 

ETA: In the future I would ask the BIL in advance not to give any more gifts to the children.

Edited August 28, 2012 by theYoungerMrsWarde

[jelbe5]

In a situation such as this I would also take the age of kids into account. I would also take the $ given to the two kids and decide, as a family, what fun/useful thing to put the $ towards that everyone could enjoy.

[Catwoman]

Your husband needs to man up and tell his brother that his actions were unacceptable.

 

It's less about the money and more about the issue of blatant favoritism. (At least he was discreet about giving the cash to his favorites, so it's not like he was being intentionally cruel and openly rewarding some kids and not others.)

 

As far as the money goes, I would let the kids keep what was given to them. They shouldn't be punished for having received a gift from their uncle.

 

And as much as I hate to say this, if your husband favors his brother over your feelings, that's a real problem, and he needs to get his priorities straight. :grouphug:

[Elfinlady]

In that situation, honestly, I would take the money and send it back to him. Favoring some of my children, and going behind my back to do it would both be huge no-nos.

[SKL]

Is the uncle mentally challenged or something? That doesn't sound like something a sane person would do. Well, unless there was an age difference or some such that made it logical.

 

When I was a kid, my granny's husband sometimes gave us money when he was drunk. If it was any significant amount, my mom would state that it was intended to be put away for major expenses (managed by my parents). As we got older, we understood what was going on and lost interest in tracing the money.

[Annie G]

You probably need to talk to dh about this- you resent your brother in law because of what he did and if you don't discuss it with dh, he'll never understand why you don't gush when the guy visits.

 

And this isn't slipping a kid a $5 bill- hundreds of dollars given to your kids without you knowing? That just seems odd.

 

Life isn't fair- that's true. But do kids really need to learn that lesson from family members?

[Mom-ninja.]

Make sure you know why bil gave only 2 kids money. Maybe they mentioned something they wanted to him.

 

 

As for deciding what to do with it....it's a great time to teach your kids about generosity and being a family. You can discuss/suggest how much they keep for themselves, use it on others, put in savings, and contribute to the family.

[shanvan]

Your husband needs to man up and tell his brother that his actions were unacceptable.

 

It's less about the money and more about the issue of blatant favoritism. (At least he was discreet about giving the cash to his favorites, so it's not like he was being intentionally cruel and openly rewarding some kids and not others.)

 

As far as the money goes, I would let the kids keep what was given to them. They shouldn't be punished for having received a gift from their uncle.

 

And as much as I hate to say this, if your husband favors his brother over your feelings, that's a real problem, and he needs to get his priorities straight. :grouphug:

 

Three thoughts:

 

1. It doesn't seem fair to ask the kids that did get money to split it up evenly with the other kids.
   
2. You said it was too much money to give the other kids the same amount, so drop that idea and don't look back.
   
3. The other three kids are probably going to notice the extra things the two kids are going to spend the money on if it's hundred's of dollars. They will want to know where the money is coming from, and possibly wonder if it's from you.
   

I would have the kids put it in a CD or some other interest/savings option and make them save it for collage/18 years old.

 

ETA: In the future I would ask the BIL in advance not to give any more gifts to the children.

 

:iagree: With both of these. Dh is going to need to have a talk with his parents about exactly this issue. We recently discovered that one Dc got $20 for his birthday from them and the other received $50. We didn't do parties this year and I just didn;t realize it b/c their birthdays aren't that close together.

[elfgivas]

i'd put it all into a savings account for now, and then figure out how to deal with it.

 

and i'd work with the kids who got money to see if they can identify how they would feel if they were one of the ones who didn't get the money. and then ask their advice on how it should be handled. when i do that, i say something like, "this will be a decision dad and i will make. we'd like your insight into what things we might do. we'll let you know once we decide."

 

fwiw, dmil did this with our four. we went the savings account for college route, and then evened it out when we were in a better position to do so. (it was the older two who were not given what the younger two were).

 

:grouphug:

ann

[marbel]

Your husband needs to man up and tell his brother that his actions were unacceptable.

 

It's less about the money and more about the issue of blatant favoritism. (At least he was discreet about giving the cash to his favorites, so it's not like he was being intentionally cruel and openly rewarding some kids and not others.)

 

As far as the money goes, I would let the kids keep what was given to them. They shouldn't be punished for having received a gift from their uncle.

 

And as much as I hate to say this, if your husband favors his brother over your feelings, that's a real problem, and he needs to get his priorities straight. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: Depending on the ages of the children, as others have said.

 

We had a similar situation recently. My inlaws sent our daughter a check designated to use toward a fun expensive thing she wants to buy. They had recently made a donation to our church for a mission trip our son was going, so for some reason they felt that doing that justified them giving her (way more) money.

 

She felt uncomfortable about it right away. My husband talked to his parents about it but I don't think they fully understood the issue. Donation to a mission trip = money to buy a fun thing? :confused:

 

My daughter ended up putting half the money in her savings account and giving me the other half to put in our son's account. He doesn't keep a close enough eye on his account (there's no passbook like in the old days) to notice the addition. (I know this is not a good thing. ;) I do need to work on that. But this was to our advantage in this case.) So he never has to know. My daughter feels better.

 

It did not increase any warm fuzzy feelings toward her grandparents, however.

Edited August 28, 2012 by marbel

[angela in ohio]

I'm not one to make everything fair and even for my kids (I'm the one who hands five cookies to three kiddos and tells them to figure it out just to test them,) but I would redistribute the money evenly. [Actually, I would hope my dc who got money would offer to split the money.] Then we would have a long talk about family unity and how we have to deal very proactively with outside forces that might cause division among us (having to keep money a secret.)

Edited August 28, 2012 by angela in ohio

[MomatHWTK]

If you know your DH is sensitive to criticism of his brother, then I would mention it casually without any commentary. (BTW, just so you know...). I would talk to the two children about what they think is the right thing to do. But, regardless of what they decide, running out and spending on themselves in an obvious way would not be an option. ;)

[redsquirrel]

I would really need to know why he did it. If someone actually gave hundreds of dollars to my children without telling me, I would wonder what else I am not being told. And I would want to know what his goal was. I would need to know from my children what they were told about the money and what it was for. Do those children participate in an expensive activity? Does it make sense to you in some way? Was it for a particular item?

 

If it doesn't then in my house, with my family structure, I would take the money away from the kids and use it for something for all of them.

 

If he instructed the kids to keep it secret or not tell me, then I would send it back to him. Period. That is inappropriate and creepy. And I would tell my kids just that.

 

And. I would talk to my BIL to find out what his goal is. Did he make a mistake? Does he think I don't give my kids enough and was trying to 'make it up' to them? What the heck is going on?

[LostSurprise]

Did it come with a tag (sport's team, camp, car, instrument, class, etc)? If it came with a tag I would put it aside for that item. Things aren't always fair at the time, but they tend to even out over time for most people. There are times I send an item to someone that is more expensive then the others have gotten. Over time I keep my mental balance sheet. Unless BIL has developed a pattern of favoritism I would give him time to even it out with the others.

 

If it didn't come with a tag, if its just random money according to your kids, I would call him up and ask what goal he had in mind (because it is a lot of money). If he replied that it was fun money I would tell him I'm glad he feels connected to those children and gave them a fun surprise, but you are the one who has to run interference with the disappointment the other's feel. From now on random fun money should be discussed with either parent first, so they can keep that kind of thing from blowing up.

 

You don't have to be critical, just let him know that it complicates life for people in your house. Otherwise, you know the children appreciate the surprise from their uncle. Surprises don't have to all come together. Maybe someone different will benefit next time. Allow him to let you in on the plan before making judgments.

[Trresh]

I hate to even bring this up but you sometimes hear of predators lavishing gifts on victims. Could something like that be happening?

 

FTR, my initial thought was that it was maybe an age thing but others had already mentioned it.

[fraidycat]

I would have a discussion with the two who did receive and let them know the others didn't. Ask how would they like to handle it.

 

If they are anything like my DD, they will re-distribute. The last two years DD has received birthday money, she spends more of it on her brother than herself. She loves to buy her brother gifts. This year when she got her money, her Dad took her to Toys R Us while DS and I stayed home. They came home with an Air Hogs RC Helicopter for DS and a couple Archie comics for DD. She made all of the purchasing decisions alone.

[goldberry]

but I would redistribute the money evenly.

 

You socialist!! :lol:

[Starr]

If you aren't going to give it back or redistribute I would put it in a savings account. They can use it only for big things, college books, mission trip, extra curricular class (you could pay for the other kids) etc. That would not be disposable income in any way. :grouphug:

[intp4yhwh]

I feel like the brother gave a gift to whom he wanted to and that's that. Why is that unacceptable? Life is not always exactly divided up. I agree that it will not create warm fuzzies towards the uncle from the kids who did not get anything but the uncle probably could figure that out himself and did it anyway.

 

I'd be pretty miffed if I gave someone a gift and they took it away from whom I gave it to and gave it to someone else.

 

It's less about the money and more about the issue of blatant favoritism. (At least he was discreet about giving the cash to his favorites, so it's not like he was being intentionally cruel and openly rewarding some kids and not others.)

 

As far as the money goes, I would let the kids keep what was given to them. They shouldn't be punished for having received a gift from their uncle.

 

I would have a discussion with the two who did receive and let them know the others didn't. Ask how would they like to handle it.

 

... regardless of what they decide, running out and spending on themselves in an obvious way would not be an option.

 

:iagree: Gifts are gifts, but if the kids want to give part of it to their siblings, they're free to give gifts, too. :) I just wouldn't make them do it, or even suggest it in the least, other than to casually let them know they're allowed to. If it's in their hearts, they will.

 

If you take it away or divide it among them all, it sends the message that 'what people give me isn't really mine' (this is separate from the issue that all is God's) and, depending on the kid, it may cause them not tell you about it next time. Redistribution of wealth isn't any healthier in families than it is in society.

 

Your husband needs to man up and tell his brother that his actions were unacceptable.

 

And as much as I hate to say this, if your husband favors his brother over your feelings, that's a real problem, and he needs to get his priorities straight.

 

Yep - this is a problem ... really the bigger one, IMHO.

 

 

If you know your DH is sensitive to criticism of his brother, then I would mention it casually without any commentary. (BTW, just so you know...)

 

I'd do what Nathan the prophet did with David ... come up with a story to tell your husband that shows the injustice ... let him get his hackles up ... then tell him what happened. It'll be more effective if you keep your emotions at bay, though. Just saying, cause I know that can be difficult.

[happi duck]

I don't like the secrecy. It sound like bil was secretive and now the kids who received the money have been asked to be secretive. I hate the thought of there being 'us and them' among siblings.

 

I would take the money and consider it a gift to the family. Without fanfare, I'd put the bulk of it in the savings accounts of the kids who received it and buy something for the family with some of it. If there was enough I'd buy a membership to somewhere, if not, a game all will enjoy. Then everyone can have good feelings toward bil whenever you enjoy a trip to the museum or play the game or whatever.

 

Then I'd come up with a plan for the future if bil does this again.

 

I'd also talk to bil to find out why. Maybe his family made everything equal and it always bothered him. Maybe he has fond memories of an uncle that slipped him cash on the sly. Or maybe he never gave it a thought.

 

And if he is purposely trying to cause division/trouble/gain certain kids' trust he needs to know that your kids don't keep secrets and asking him about it will accomplish that too.

 

:grouphug:

[jenn-]

I hate to even bring this up but you sometimes hear of predators lavishing gifts on victims. Could something like that be happening?

 

FTR, my initial thought was that it was maybe an age thing but others had already mentioned it.

 

I hate to say it, but this is where my thoughts went as well.

[Impish]

Sorry, but I don't allow favouritism. Period.

 

We dealt w/MIL pulling stunts showing favouritism, and she was told point blank that either she treated them equally, or don't bother doing anything for any of them.

 

No WAY would Wolf or I allow this to pass.

[Harriet Vane]

I hate to even bring this up but you sometimes hear of predators lavishing gifts on victims. Could something like that be happening?

 

FTR, my initial thought was that it was maybe an age thing but others had already mentioned it.

 

:iagree:

 

Not saying anything has definitely happened, but this is enough of a red flag to warrant a conversation with your kids. The gifts are large, secretive, and selective. Big red flags.

 

Whether or not something inappropriate has happened, this type of gift giving is a bad idea. It creates hurt unnecessarily.

[Remudamom]

Return the money. Tell dh to man up and handle it.

 

Yeah, gifts are gifts and there is such a thing as ownership, but this is creepy.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Remudamom

[Hot Lava Mama]

I'm not worried about anything "weird" going on. He actually lives on the other side of the country, and only comes out once a year. He is never with any of the kids alone; not on purpose, but there is just always either my husband or me with him.

 

Also, he told me "I'm going to give the kids some money if you don't mind." So, he DID tell me, but what he didn't tell me was that it was THAT MUCH and it wasn't to all of the kids. (Which I incorrectly just assumed that was what he was doing.)

 

FWIW, He gave the most, a few hundred, to my oldest son (13 years), and somewhat less, one hundred, to my oldest daughter (10 years). The ones who didn't get money were the 8 year old (who knows about money and actually got upset when he saw Uncle give $1.00 to my daughter because she brought him his dinner outside. I just mentioned to my son that he paid her because she was being nice and helpful to him, and maybe he should do the same. He also didn't give anything to the 6 year old and 3 year old who do not understand money.

 

I feel weird about "distributing the wealth around" because that goes against every fiber of my being! If they want to share, I believe that is great. But I don't want to feel like the "authority figure" that demands that money go from their pocket to someone else in the name of "fairness". The conflict with my feelings there, is that the money was not given because of "work". It was given "just because". I wouldn't struggle with this if they worked for their money. I would not have any problem telling those who didn't get money to WORK HARDER! That's what makes the world go round.

 

The hard part about this is my dh. His priority is with his brother. Like I said before, dh dad died when dh was 10. Also, their mother just died 4 weeks ago. So, now would not be a good time to go against BIL. Sad, but true. Nothing I can do about that. That's just how he is and I can't change that.

 

This whole thing stresses me out because I know he "meant" well. He seems to be coming to terms with his mortality since his mother died. I think he was trying to be nice. Perhaps I should just not worry because two of the three don't even understand money at all. It's mostly my 8 year old that understands money, (and by the way, was waiting on BIL hand and foot) yet didn't get anything at all. If he found out, he would be very hurt. I hate keeping secrets. It's hard.

 

I still feel like I don't know what to do.

:confused:

[Trish]

I would go all communistic with this. Here are the reasons:

 

1) Yes, life is not fair. But families try to be.

2) It's a large amount. Too large for kids that age. It can unwittingly create a special sense of obligation where there should be none.

3) If they keep the money it either needs to be concealed from the other siblings (creating family secrets), or would create resentment/hurt feelings. (not what hubby would want for his brother, eh? Or really anyone for any relative) And it may also be concealed and later dribble out at an inpportune time, i.e. in the heat of a sibling squabble, or maybe someone wonders how so-and-so can afford the expensive such-and-such.

4) When the kids are adults, the relatives can have at it, lavishing whatever they want on whomever they want. While they're kids in my home, that isn't going to happen in an unfair manner.

5) [Exception: the kids have different godparents. So if they get different gifts from different godparents, that's just life. But any large amounts go into the college savings, and only a reasonable amount for personal spending]

 

Let the olders understand how they would feel if the situation was reversed, and then maybe let them have input on choosing a gift for all the kids to enjoy together. This is far from the only example of favoritism I wouldn't put up with. Although I'm fine with age-related exceptionalism in other areas (i.e. older kids getting to go to older events because they're older) But not uncle choosing to take a couple of kids on a fun outing and not the others (if there is no age barrier).

 

How is money favoritism any more valid than other types of favoritism?

[SKL]

FWIW, He gave the most, a few hundred, to my oldest son (13 years), and somewhat less, one hundred, to my oldest daughter (10 years). The ones who didn't get money were the 8 year old (who knows about money and actually got upset when he saw Uncle give $1.00 to my daughter because she brought him his dinner outside. I just mentioned to my son that he paid her because she was being nice and helpful to him, and maybe he should do the same. He also didn't give anything to the 6 year old and 3 year old who do not understand money.

 

 

Under these facts, I would feel a lot better! I'd tell them uncle did this based on how soon they were going to college, and put it in an education fund. I'd make a big deal of taking them to the bank to set up an account (if they didn't already have one) and learn about interest earnings and such. I might even let them take some of it to buy Christmas presents for their siblings, or even special lessons of their choice.

 

Honestly, this seems totally logical to me. It's totally OK for older kids to be treated like . . . older kids.

[Brigitte]

Under these facts, I would feel a lot better! I'd tell them uncle did this based on how soon they were going to college, and put it in an education fund. I'd make a big deal of taking them to the bank to set up an account (if they didn't already have one) and learn about interest earnings and such. I might even let them take some of it to buy Christmas presents for their siblings, or even special lessons of their choice.

 

Honestly, this seems totally logical to me. It's totally OK for older kids to be treated like . . . older kids.

 

:iagree: I would require that some be saved and that some can be spent on something they want. I might suggest to them that it would be a nice gesture to pay it forward a bit with their siblings (either giving them a little of the money or buying something for them). Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about it. My siblings usually got more money than I did from our grandparents simply because my siblings were older than me. I might not have like it a whole lot, but I understood it.

[MAIMOM]

I would really need to know why he did it. If someone actually gave hundreds of dollars to my children without telling me, I would wonder what else I am not being told. And I would want to know what his goal was. I would need to know from my children what they were told about the money and what it was for

 

If he instructed the kids to keep it secret or not tell me, then I would send it back to him. Period. That is inappropriate and creepy. And I would tell my kids just that.

 

:iagree:

I would check into the reasons for his giving them money. A family member was giving my sister money all the time and later my parents found out it was to keep quiet about inappropriate behavior.....Not saying that is going on. Just a FYI. I would look into it!

[LlamaMama]

Under these facts, I would feel a lot better!

...

Honestly, this seems totally logical to me. It's totally OK for older kids to be treated like . . . older kids.

 

I completely agree with this. I think this is a case where you need to give the uncle grace. His mother died recently, and he is trying to show kindness to your older children. He was mistaken that the 8 year old was too young to be included in this. The favoritism that you see might just be because he is more comfortable talking with the older children, than the younger ones.

 

If this happened in my own home, I would have a casual conversation with my husband about the kindness shown in the act, along with mentioning that hopefully the 8 year old would be included if it happened again the future.

 

If this happened again next year, at that point, I would not hesitate to privately explain to your B-I-L that it could cause hurt feelings among your children.

[mom2one]

Well, at first I thought it was all wrong, but then after hearing your kids ages I think it's completely appropriate, although I would have probably given the 8 year old something, like maybe $20, but since he is a man, he probably didn't even think about how sensitive an 8 year old might be.

 

Older kids have bigger wants/needs than young children and as the younger ones get older they'll probably receive more expensive gifts too. When I buy birthday/Christmas gifts for my nieces & nephews the older ones always get more expensive gifts. It's much easier to find a $25 gift for an 8 year old than it is a 16 year old.

[WishboneDawn]

Have you thought about just calling up your BIL and asking about his reasoning on this? You could find out if he's planning to do the same for the others when they get older. You could also let him know that in the future you'd want more specific info about his intentions.

 

Personally I think you just need to let it stand and let it go. That's probably not the easiest choice for you to deal with but it was a gift from your BIL to your kids and I really don't think you should get in the middle. There's really nothing you can do to make yourself feel better about the situation.

[WishboneDawn]

Under these facts, I would feel a lot better! I'd tell them uncle did this based on how soon they were going to college, and put it in an education fund. I'd make a big deal of taking them to the bank to set up an account (if they didn't already have one) and learn about interest earnings and such. I might even let them take some of it to buy Christmas presents for their siblings, or even special lessons of their choice.

 

Honestly, this seems totally logical to me. It's totally OK for older kids to be treated like . . . older kids.

 

:iagree:

 

It's one of those rites of passages that come with getting older.

[Harriet Vane]

I read your update, and I don't feel much better.

 

They were large amounts of money, given unfairly.

 

My in-laws are well-to-do and generous, and have never given this amount of money to any of their grandchildren. They do give money as well as lavish them with other gifts, but have never given this much at one time. The large amount given to only a few still sounds inappropriate to me.

 

I would still have a conversation with the kids about inappropriate behavior. You lose nothing by checking. You don't have to name any names. Just have the conversation.

 

I would be hideously uncomfortable with the gift and try to find a way to talk to him about it, at the least.

[Tammyla]

The secrecy behind giving it would concern me given the amount. In all honesty, I'd probably take the money (possibly putting it into a savings or what ever for the entire clan); then I'd thank him in writing from each and every member of the family.

 

It's the not so subtle, but nice way to let him know I'm the momma.

[FeFe]

Did it come with a tag (sport's team, camp, car, instrument, class, etc)? If it came with a tag I would put it aside for that item. Things aren't always fair at the time, but they tend to even out over time for most people. There are times I send an item to someone that is more expensive then the others have gotten. Over time I keep my mental balance sheet. Unless BIL has developed a pattern of favoritism I would give him time to even it out with the others.

 

If it didn't come with a tag, if its just random money according to your kids, I would call him up and ask what goal he had in mind (because it is a lot of money). If he replied that it was fun money I would tell him I'm glad he feels connected to those children and gave them a fun surprise, but you are the one who has to run interference with the disappointment the other's feel. From now on random fun money should be discussed with either parent first, so they can keep that kind of thing from blowing up.

 

You don't have to be critical, just let him know that it complicates life for people in your house. Otherwise, you know the children appreciate the surprise from their uncle. Surprises don't have to all come together. Maybe someone different will benefit next time. Allow him to let you in on the plan before making judgments.

 

:iagree: I would certainly discuss it in a non-confrontational way with the uncle and I would not take the money away from the kids that it was gifted too.

 

It's an uncomfortable situation, for sure. But life isn't distributed evenly among each of us - as nice as that would be. If you find out that he gave it to them as a gift I would talk to them how they wanted to deal with it and encourage giving, saving and reasonable spending.

[Hot Lava Mama]

I've been re-reading everyone's post, and thinking about this.

 

Dh says the oldest got more because he knows him better. They have been going on field trips (whenever BIL comes out for a visit..once a year) since oldest ds was little. He also feels more comfortable with oldest ds because he (ds) is very mature for his age, and likes to sit and chat with him. O.K., I get that.

 

Dd had mentioned she wanted to buy an MP3 player and has been saving for a long time. Perhaps that's why she got it.

 

He has always given the kids small amounts of money ($20-$25) in the past, and it was always equal. He would give the money to the oldest two, then give the rest (for the littles) to me to put into an account. But it was always even.

 

What was shocking was HOW MUCH it was this time, and that it was so uneven. I had not even considered much of what people brought up. I went instantly to "It's not fair!" with my mind. Probably because my older brother always got more everything from parents & relatives than either my sister or me, so it's a major sensative issue with me. I see what kind of resentment and hostilities it can bring to a family. Not good!

 

I also didn't think about the fact that he probably doesn't understand the mind of an 8 year old boy (the one that will be the most hurt if he hears about it). He probably still thinks of him as a baby and didn't consider his feelings. Thanks for that advice. I didn't consider that but it makes perfect sense.

 

I know my dh will eventually end up at the right place with this in his head. It's just a tough time for them (dh and BIL) because of the rough life they had as children. There is a different sense of stature with some of the siblings that stepped in after their dad died. From what I heard, too, this BIL has had a really hard time dealing with his mom's (my MIL) death. Perhaps I should give him some slack because I know his heart was in the right place. He just didn't realize the problem it caused for me!

 

I really appreciate all the thoughtful comments and considerations from everyone. Thanks for helping me keep my head on straight!

:)

Hot Lava Mama

[angela in ohio]

You socialist!! :lol:

 

You know me! ;) The libertarian thing is just a front. :lol:

 

I would go all communistic with this. Here are the reasons:

 

1) Yes, life is not fair. But families try to be.

 

This. This is my problem, and you said it better than I did. No, life isn't fair, but family is different. We don't keep secrets about money in our family, and we don't honor people who ask us to.

[Lisbeth]

I'm a tough love kind of girl - shocker, I know. :tongue_smilie: I wouldn't care about an adult's feelings over a child's. I would tell dh to man up and put his children first, or I would do it for him. I would not allow unequal treatment that was hurtful in my house. My usual yadda yadda comment is: being family does not equal diplomatic immunity.

 

Bottom line... children first, adult precious feelings second. I would not tolerate dh doing anything less.

[ErinD]

In that situation, honestly, I would take the money and send it back to him. Favoring some of my children, and going behind my back to do it would both be huge no-nos.

 

:iagree:That's both cruel and disrespectful. Send it back.

[In the Rain]

After reading your update, I think I'd leave BIL and dh out of it and deal with the issue myself. If my husband's mom died 4 weeks ago, I couldn't see adding to his emotional stress level.

 

If I read correctly, your BIL has always given money equally in the past, and this is the first time there was a difference. He has just gone through a major emotional upheaval. I'd assume it was some kind of response to grief, and not read more into it than that.

 

I like the PP's idea of saying that the gifts must have to do with how close they are to college and putting most of the money away, other than the usual $20 or $25 he has given them in the past. If it were me, and I wanted to protect my 8yo's feelings of self worth, I'd just give him $20 and say the uncle meant for him to have it, but was distracted.

 

Given the ages of the children, and the recent loss of his mother, I wouldn't chalk this up to blatant favoritism. I know that doesn't make it any easier for you though! :tongue_smilie::grouphug:

[Happy]

being family does not equal diplomatic immunity..

 

LOVE this.

 

That thought has long been my belief, now I'm taking this as a motto. :lol:

[kitten18]

If you aren't going to give it back or redistribute I would put it in a savings account. They can use it only for big things, college books, mission trip, extra curricular class (you could pay for the other kids) etc. That would not be disposable income in any way. :grouphug:

 

Under these facts, I would feel a lot better! I'd tell them uncle did this based on how soon they were going to college, and put it in an education fund. I'd make a big deal of taking them to the bank to set up an account (if they didn't already have one) and learn about interest earnings and such. I might even let them take some of it to buy Christmas presents for their siblings, or even special lessons of their choice.

 

Honestly, this seems totally logical to me. It's totally OK for older kids to be treated like . . . older kids.

:iagree: