Feeling really sad for my son right now....

[myfunnybunch]

And for myself.

 

Today ds11 (and his brothers--all were invited) attended a birthday party at the park for a friend. The guests were a mix of old friends (my sons, another pair of boys) and boys with whom the birthday boy attends school.

 

At the end of the party, my son approached the group of boys. One boy pushed him and said, "We don't want YOU," and they all ran away laughing, including the boy he thought was his friend. My son handled it as well as he could have, by returning to the party picnic table. I could tell he was upset, but he didn't tattle or whine. He told me on the way to the car because I asked him to talk to me. When my son finally told me what had happened, his middle brother said, "Yeah, they did that to me too. When I came to see what they were doing, they ran away laughing." I also overheard another non-school friend say to his mom, "They won't let me play."

 

I'm just really sad for my son. He's always thought of this boy as a good friend, and his feelings were crushed. He cried a good bit of the way home.

 

I am upset with the other mom, too. I had to get something from the table, and when I returned, I did let her know what had happened, nicely, without blaming anyone in particular. I understand that middle school group dynamics aren't always pleasant, and I didn't know who said what. We've known each other for years, and I would want to know if my son did something like that. She apologized and said she'd talk to her son.

 

Both of our families attended another birthday party later for a mutual friend (busy day--my oldest son chose not to attend, but my other boys went), and she asked if I'd talked to my son. Then she told me, "Well, my son says they were just all standing there talking about school and nothing happened. And you know my son. He never lies to me, ever."

 

How would you take that? It was the "He never lies to me," bit (and the way she said it, which I can't convey in writing, of course) that took me aback. It felt as though she was trying to imply that my son was being untruthful or stretching a molehill into a mountain. My feelings are hurt too.

 

Ugh. I promise I'm not the kind of mom who thinks her special little snowflake should sail through life completely protected from the bumps and bruises of growing up. He and I dealt with the situation as best we could and he's feeling much better.

 

I know, I just need to stop sitting here stewing about it, right? Sigh. Maybe I just need a hug and someone to commiserate about how hard it is to see our kids get hurt.

 

Cat

[Dana]

:grouphug:

[SweetandSimple]

I'm sorry.

 

It sounds like that friendship isn't what you (or your son) thought it was. Maybe it was just peer pressure from the school friends, but still! Maybe you can plan an outing/playdate soon for your son with another, truer friend?

[Amy in TX]

:grouphug:

 

I'm really sorry! I don't think there's anything more you can do. You and your sons handled it as well as it could be handled, and you were there for them, which is the important thing, and the thing that they'll remember.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I do NOT deal well at all with seeing our kids being treated unkindly. It makes a mommy heart hurt so bad. :(

 

I am not really surprised at the reaction of the boy's mom. Sadly, we have met far too many parents like that.

[Anne in CA]

Oh, I have heard the "my child never lies to me ever," before. All I can do is feel sorry for the other people this person deals with about their kid and make sure mine never is around their kid anymore. That one is a complete deal breaker for me.

[scrappyhappymama]

She told you that she believes her son's version of the story over what you actually WITNESSED? Yeah, that would hurt my feelings too. I can understand that sometimes kids will distort their version of events, but I'd expect my adult friend to trust me.

 

Sorry your son was treated poorly. It stinks when friend dynamics change.

[Delirium]

:grouphug: kids can be mean, especially when peers are pressuring them to do so.

[8circles]

:grouphug:

 

That's so hard. I don't know what id do, except be right where you are right now.

[oldskool]

That would bother me too. To me what is worse in these situations is the parental reaction. I would chalk it up to a "she'll know the truth someday" thing and distance myself from the friendship. Likely she'll hear it from another person in the future as this behavior usually won't go away when parents are oblivious to it. Sorry that it happened. I would be feeling really sad for my ds too. :grouphug:

[fraidycat]

:grouphug::grouphug: I feel bad for you and your son, too.

 

All I can say about the other Mom is Wow, is she ever in for a very rude awakening some day soon. Almost every child, at some point in time will lie, fudge, stretch the truth, or omit pertinent details to CT(heir)A. It's called self preservation.

[Catwoman]

How would you take that? It was the "He never lies to me," bit (and the way she said it, which I can't convey in writing, of course) that took me aback. It felt as though she was trying to imply that my son was being untruthful or stretching a molehill into a mountain. My feelings are hurt too.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry your ds was so upset -- mine would have felt the same way, and I would have handled the situation exactly as you did.

 

I am offended on your behalf that this woman essentially called your son a liar, because if her ds never lies to her, that means yours must have lied to you.

 

Never mind that there is no possible reason why your ds would have made up a story like that. I can't imagine the woman was so clueless, yet I have seen it often enough to know it happens a lot.

 

Personally, I would be done with this kid and the mom. He did a rotten thing to your ds -- and he lied about it, and whether or not he would have done it if the other kids weren't there is not even an issue to me. Friends stand up for friends. Period. What if your ds and this other boy were someplace together and someone tried to hurt your ds? It's pretty obvious to me that he couldn't count on that other boy to help him. The kid isn't a friend, and the mom isn't a friend to you, either.

 

I'm very sorry about what happened to your ds. I'm sure you're wishing you'd left the party just a little bit earlier, so none of this would have happened.

 

It's so heartbreaking to see our kids' feelings hurt. :(

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Tammi K]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I am not really surprised at the reaction of the boy's mom. Sadly, we have met far too many parents like that.

 

:iagree::iagree: There are too many parents who think their kids can do no wrong. Just a few Sunday's ago, at a church fellowship, I sat across from a nasty little girl, a 3 year old, and watched as she deliberately tipped her full cup of drink over on her brother and then she smirked as her brother got scolded for saying she did it on purpose. "She's your little sister. How can you be so mean. It was an accident. Why do you always try to get her in trouble?" Ummm, I saw the whole thing! I've witnessed this kid in action previously. Mama is absolutely blind to it all. It's sad.

 

Give you little guy an extra hug and love on him. Life just isn't fair sometimes and it stinks.

[fraidycat]

Just a few Sunday's ago, at a church fellowship, I sat across from a nasty little girl, a 3 year old, and watched as she deliberately tipped her full cup of drink over on her brother and then she smirked as her brother got scolded for saying she did it on purpose. "She's your little sister. How can you be so mean. It was an accident. Why do you always try to get her in trouble?" Ummm, I saw the whole thing! I've witnessed this kid in action previously. Mama is absolutely blind to it all. It's sad.

 

So, did you stick up for the little boy and point out that he was telling the truth?

[Cassy]

:grouphug: I do know how your heart must be aching. DS13 went through a whole year at school being treated in a very similar way. Even his music teacher noticed how sad and withdrawn he became as a result. I remember talking to one of my best friends about it because I just didn't know what to do and her telling me "Well I've never heard of any bullying going on there"; I found I had to avoid her for a while after that.

 

It did get better, and DS13 found ways of coping. I always told him not to react to them, he's a sensitive boy who loves his friends and I'm sure they did it all the more because they could see how hurt he was. He threw himself into his schoolwork and extra-curricular activities and is now doing well and is very popular with all the teachers. The other boys are much less nasty, some are even reasonably friendly, I don't whether they've grown out of being horrible to people, or whether they just got bored. At the end of last year the worst offender actually told DS13 that he wasn't going to bully him anymore because he was going to bully the new first years instead :glare:.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry your DS had to go through that.

[SKL]

It's not unusual for moms to think their kid never lies, never steals, never disrespects, etc. It's sad because eventually, they find out the hard way that no child is as perfect as that.

 

I am not surprised her son didn't tell her the truth. Kids generally don't like to admit that they've been mean or insensitive to someone. In a way, it's good to know he had the sense to be embarrassed by his choices. He has learned something just by being questioned about it. So don't worry about that.

 

The deed cannot be undone. There's hope that this particular child won't do that again. I don't think you can really hope for more at this point.

 

As for the friendship, it sounds shallow, as most friendships frankly are. It's up to you whether you want to put time into shallow friendships. They are not all bad; just don't expect too much from them.

[Heather in Neverland]

Something very similar happened to my ds a year ago.

 

He cut off all contact with the boy who asked him to leave the party. I sent a scathing email to the mother.

 

A year later, neither of us has spoken to either of them. We are much better off.

[DawnM]

I think I would be finding new friends.

[lmrich]

:grouphug:That is so hard.

[Mommyfaithe]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I do NOT deal well at all with seeing our kids being treated unkindly. It makes a mommy heart hurt so bad. :(

 

I am not really surprised at the reaction of the boy's mom. Sadly, we have met far too many parents like that.

 

Oh, I have heard the "my child never lies to me ever," before. All I can do is feel sorry for the other people this person deals with about their kid and make sure mine never is around their kid anymore. That one is a complete deal breaker for me.

 

I think I would be finding new friends.

 

:iagree: unfortunately, I have seen this way too much. Wait until her ds is on the receiving end of that kind of behavior......oh boy, I promise, it won't be pretty.....

:grouphug: to you and your son.....and good riddance to bad rubbish. Better to know someone's true colors than to be fooled into a false security.

[delaney]

I'm sorry for you and your little man. Oddly, I am right now reading the book, Family Matters; Why Homeschooling Makes Sense. In the part on socialization he talks about the need for cliques to form in school in order to promote survival. Kids that age automatically cling together to have a common bond. "Nerds", "jocks"....whatever. By picking on your son they are solidifying their role and alliance. Your son's lack of understanding to what is happening, for me, is proof that you are doing right by him and teaching him to NOT be like PS middle schoolers. Good job mom.

[kalanamak]

:grouphug: kids can be mean, especially when peers are pressuring them to do so.

 

 

:iagree: And moms can be blind. You're braver than me. I'd've not brought it up, especially not the second time, because I could have predicted that response.

 

P.S. I WAS in school, and was still the one people ran away from. Groups are often made groups by the exclusion of others. E.g. I don't think the human race will be united until we are attacked by aliens.

Edited August 26, 2012 by kalanamak
kitten CPR

[PiCO]

"Well, my son says they were just all standing there talking about school and nothing happened. And you know my son. He never lies to me, ever."

 

There's no hope for a child whose parents think he "never lies to me, ever." (ETA- I'm exaggerating here. I think kids can recover from all kinds of mistakes parents make, including my own mistakes.) All teens stretch the truth at some point- it's part of growing up. If his parents think he's perfect, he'll keep pushing the envelope to see how much he can get away with.

 

I've seen it with my dds and their friends. If a parent gives serious consideration to accusations, their children are much better off. Even if I believed my child, I would give the other parent the benefit of the doubt. But it seems more and more parents think their children are perfect.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you and your son. He needs to decide if he wants to be friends with this boy one-on-one and just avoid him in group settings, or if it's not worth it.

Edited August 26, 2012 by PiCO

[In the Rain]

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

There's no hope for a child whose parents think he "never lies to me, ever."

 

That's a bit dire. Maybe it is a first child. Maybe mom just didn't want to lose face, but knows it in the privacy of her home.

[Impish]

Tim Hawkins does a bit on other ppl's kids...working in the church nursery.

 

"Mom: Connor William just wouldn't do that. It's not in his nature!

 

Staff: Connor William just stabbed me in the leg. W/scissors!

 

Mom: Oh, that's just his allergies. Too much pollen in the air makes him want to kill ppl. It's on the card. You should have read his card."

 

I know I didn't get it word for word, but I couldn't find it on youtube :tongue_smilie:

[PiCO]

That's a bit dire. Maybe it is a first child. Maybe mom just didn't want to lose face, but knows it in the privacy of her home.

 

I was exaggerating...

;)

[Mommyof4ks]

I would probably distance myself from them, and I would pray that the mom comes out of denial for the sake of her kids. The child is going to grow up thinking he can lie his way out of stuff, and one day it is going to come back to bite him all because mom did nothing when he was a child.

 

:grouphug: I would be hurt too,and I would expect my kids to be hurt too.

[Haiku]

He never lies to me, ever.

 

I think that pretty much all parents would do well to accept the fact that their kids are gonna lie to them at some time. I see people who insist their kids have never lied (and these are often the same people who insist that a cross word has never passed their child's lips and that their child would never, ever even have a rogue thought of being mean), and I am suspicious of them. I generally get the feeling that their kids are pulling the wool over their parents' eyes.

 

Kids will lie to stay out of trouble. The vast majority of kids are not going to come clean when Mom asks, "Were you mean to your friend at your birthday party?"

 

So what I am trying to say is, this is about her and not about you. And I wouldn't worry about what she thinks. I would, however, mention it to the boy the next time you see him. Not in an accusatory way, but in a, "My son was unhappy about the way he was treated at the birthday party." Just so the kid knows that he's not fooling everyone.

 

Tara

[livetoread]

I guess I can identify with both here. I have a son who, as far as I know, hasn't lied to me since he was little (he's 14). Now the key here is, as far as I know. He probably has, but I wouldn't know because whenever it is verifiable, I know he hasn't, but there are other times that aren't verifiable. He generally has a rule-oriented, compliant nature.

 

My daughter, on the other hand, is still a good kid, but I'd be a little more inclined to doubt her!

 

So what can a parent do when your kid is generally trustworthy and you are in a "he said, she said" situation? I think it is destructive for a kid to try and be trustworthy and honorable, only to have adults think the worst anyway. However, I certainly don't want to be one of "those parents" either.

 

I suppose in this case if the OP told me this had happened at my son's birthday party, I would have tried to get more information from the OP and not accepted my son's response right off. But in the end, when you might not have enough information, or you have too much conflicting information, what do you do? Do you go with your kid's excellent track record, or do you go with the knowledge that all kids lie at some point and this might very well be the time?

 

We can all agree that kids lie, but there are a lot of situations (especially as they get older and are not as supervised) when you can't catch them at it. If they are telling the truth and you keep doubting them, that's corrosive to the relationship. If they aren't and you believe them, you are a fool and one of "those parents". It's tough.

[bettyandbob]

It may be that this child hasn't lied, until now.

 

My ds never ever lied until he was 12, maybe 13. Prior to that he never did. He also has social skills issues and didn't understand social language (he has NVLD) .

 

He always wanted to fit in and have friends. As he hit puberty, I think this need to overtook his inability to lie. Unfortunately for him, he's just a terrible liar. He's just never figured out how to do it believably. Fortunately, for me it was obvious when we'd made the transition from "never, ever lie" to "try to get away with..." But for years many adults around ds (not just his mom and dad), counted on the fact that ds never lied.

 

Additionally, you've confronted this other boy's mom at the birthday party she was hosting. She must have been pretty embarrassed.

 

I suspect this boy is behaving this way to fit in with his new school group. He probably should not have mixed the old friends and new friends at the party. He sees the new friends more so that is who he feels he needs to impress. Lying may not have been a behavior in the old friend circle, but it is in the new friend circle. This is something the mom may not have previously been aware.

 

I would not keep these people as friends. Whether or not the ugliness happened the boys may have drifted apart anyway, due to the change in school situations. I would have let it go and not said anything to the mom. However, maybe you gave her a good heads up to start watching out for "new behaviors".

[ColoNative]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I do NOT deal well at all with seeing our kids being treated unkindly. It makes a mommy heart hurt so bad. :(

 

I am not really surprised at the reaction of the boy's mom. Sadly, we have met far too many parents like that.

 

:iagree:

[kalanamak]

I was exaggerating...

;)

 

How unlike you.;)

[kalanamak]

 

I would not keep these people as friends. Whether or not the ugliness happened the boys may have drifted apart anyway, due to the change in school situations.

 

I was the kid people made fun of. There were kids who were very nice to me when we were alone ....rather overly nice, as if they were ashamed of what they had done. Even when I was 10 I understood they were not brave enough to face the kind of rejection I got, and I didn't blame them. I didn't like the rejection, and could understand why someone would avoid it. I wasn't being physically hurt, and mother would swear at home about the ring leaders (this was a very positive sign of support ... my mother was an expert at the carefully selected moment to swear.)

 

I have learned, from this, to go up and speak to anyone new in a situation, particularly if they are from another country, or their race, sex, sexual orientation, etc. is different from the rest of the group. Every now and then I've met a haughty snob, but most people are very happy to be approached.

 

It may be this boy will regret his "group behavior". I wouldn't run out of my way to fawn on him, but I wouldn't turn on my heel and snub him either. However, it really is up to the injured party, not his mum.

[lisamarie]

The same thing happened to me when I hit middle school. Suddenly my best friends didn't want anything to do with me because they were part of a different clique. One of the girls was my next door neighbor, we went to the same church, we were inseparable until 6th grade. Our relationship never recovered despite living next door until we graduated and moved onto college.

 

Something about middle school just stinks. I've witnessed it happen more times than I can count. There is a large group of homeschoolers at my church with older kids. One day after church I was outside on the playground with my kids and witnessed a whole group of them (junior high aged or older) sitting around talking and being very inclusive, boys and girls together, no paring off, just being friends. That was the day that I decided I was going to homeschool. I wanted to raise kids like that who were nice to everyone, who didn't pair off, who went out of their way to befriend younger kids like mine, who SMILED, who loved their parents and weren't afraid to show it. It's like the whole rebellious middle school years passed them by.

[SKL]

But in the end, when you might not have enough information, or you have too much conflicting information, what do you do? Do you go with your kid's excellent track record, or do you go with the knowledge that all kids lie at some point and this might very well be the time?

 

We can all agree that kids lie, but there are a lot of situations (especially as they get older and are not as supervised) when you can't catch them at it. If they are telling the truth and you keep doubting them, that's corrosive to the relationship. If they aren't and you believe them, you are a fool and one of "those parents". It's tough.

 

You can say "whatever the facts are, I expect you to do ___ if presented with ___ situation in the future. And anyone who did hurt __'s feelings should give some serious thought to apologizing to him." And leave it at that.

 

I really wish my kids' lies were easier to detect. I am certain they lie, but not all the time. I have to wing it a lot. But when someone else's kid is getting hurt, my kids are going to know what I think of it. And I'd expect the same of any other parent who wanted to be viewed as my friend.

[Jaz]

:grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

Thank you so much. I appreciate that you all took time to reply. I was so sad last night, and needed to get it out.

 

I do think this is uncharacteristic for this boy. Likely he got caught up in the group dynamic. It's no excuse, but we all make mistakes when we're growing up. Ds11 understands and is trying to decide if he wants to let this end the friendship or if he's open to continuing.

 

I don't know how I'll handle the friendship with the other mother yet. Catwoman hit the nail on the head when she said that if the other child never lies, it means that my son is lying (and my other son, and me too, since I mentioned that I'd heard another child telling his mother this had happened to him). But I honestly don't think that was her intention. So I guess I'm in the same boat as ds, trying to decide if I want to back off this friendship or if I'm open to working through it at some point.

 

One more note: A poster mentioned me confronting the other mom. Truly, it wasn't like that. We were alone, no other adults or children at the table, and I was very kind, as was she. I was not the one who brought it up at the next party. The other mom (and dad, who also asked) brought it up, quietly, and I gave a brief answer about what my son said happened, that their son wasn't the one who actually pushed ds, and that my middle boy said it had happened to him too. Then we changed the subject.

 

Thank you again, all of you. Dh took ds golfing while we were at the other party, and ds came back feeling like his cheerful optimistic self again. :) Momma's heart is taking a little longer, but that's the way it works sometimes, right?

 

Cat

[justamouse]

:grouphug:

 

That would be a group I wouldn't be spending much time with.

[kalanamak]

 

One more note: A poster mentioned me confronting the other mom. Truly, it wasn't like that.

 

 

I didn't mean "confront" as in woof-woof-woof.

 

I wouldn't have even mentioned it. It is not my style, and I would not have expected ANY help from the mom, so why bother. If a mom came to me with that and I thought she was mistaken, I would now think her unreliable, or over sensitive, or out to discredit my son. (Not that I would have disbelieved you. I know children tell tales to deflect blame, and I know children can be mean in groups.)

[ErinE]

You can say "whatever the facts are, I expect you to do ___ if presented with ___ situation in the future. And anyone who did hurt __'s feelings should give some serious thought to apologizing to him." And leave it at that.

 

This is what I say as well. Sometimes situations can be exaggerated or taken out of context and other times kids just make a bad decision.

[mytwomonkeys]

:grouphug: that hurt me to read it. i would be sad and hurt for my son too. kids can be so ugly. as for the mother, maybe it was just her choosing to believe her own son. unless he has given her reasons prior to think that he was capable of behaving that way, it really comes down your son and her son giving two versions of what happened. don't get me wrong, i believe your son. i'm just saying, i can understand siding with my own child if the behavior he was accused of was completely out of character & he said it didn't happen. of course he would be a liar then & that's a whole other issue...

[Murphy101]

I'd take it as she's either an idiot or doesn't care.

 

ALL humans lie, so unless her kids is some superior need breed of humanoid, he lies. She's an idiot if she thinks otherwise.

 

However, if she is aware her son is human, I think she just didn't care as long as the precious one was happy on his birthday.:glare:

 

Well there is a third option. She might just think you and your sons are liars. Maybe that's what she has to tell herself to ignore her own kid's issues?:001_huh:

[JenC3]

Honestly, i wouldn't havesaid anything to theMom. I would have just talked to my ds about it. We ALWAYS debrief after a get together b/c I may not be privyto everythingthat went on.

 

We talk about how people will hurt you feelings and about insecurities and saving face, etc. It seems like the behavior was typical for school attending children.

 

People are mean, but at 11 unless it's cruel or abusive, you need to let your dc get tough to bad behavior.

[myfunnybunch]

I didn't mean "confront" as in woof-woof-woof.

 

I wouldn't have even mentioned it. It is not my style, and I would not have expected ANY help from the mom, so why bother. If a mom came to me with that and I thought she was mistaken, I would now think her unreliable, or over sensitive, or out to discredit my son. (Not that I would have disbelieved you. I know children tell tales to deflect blame, and I know children can be mean in groups.)

 

I get where you're coming from. In most other situations, I probably would have chosen to deal with it only with my son. However, we've been in contact with this group of friends for a long time, and in the context of this particular friendship/group, it was an appropriate conversation to have. I did approach it as a group problem, without accusing my friend's son or any of the other boys. Also, I chose to bring it up because of the other boy, the one I overheard. It told me that the group was continuing to play this way, and likely needed to be redirected.

 

These kinds of posts and thoughts help me to clarify my thoughts. Thank you. :)

 

It may be this boy will regret his "group behavior". I wouldn't run out of my way to fawn on him, but I wouldn't turn on my heel and snub him either. However, it really is up to the injured party, not his mum.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

This is where we are, exactly. It's up to ds right now. I do wonder if the friend might be feeling bad, no matter what part he actually played. As a matter of fact, at the second gathering, the friend was a little tentative at first talking to ds11's brothers (who followed strict instructions NOT to bring the issue into the second party and played with him just fine) and avoided talking to me for the most part, which is unusual for him. FTR, I also followed my strict instructions and treated him as warmly as I usually do, mostly because I think he's a usually nice kid who made a mistake and partly because the focus of the second party was to celebrate another friend and everyone should be able to enjoy.

 

I don't know why I feel the need to keep explaining. :tongue_smilie: Probably because my sister is out of town, and the friend with whom I usually talk things through is a mutual friend, so I don't have my usual sounding boards. I am still thinking this through, mostly because we do need to decide how we want to handle the future. There's a get-together this week that we've already said we'd attend. Ds11 has a legitmate "out" if he wants to use it, so we'll see what he decides to do.

 

Cat

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

 

So what I am trying to say is, this is about her and not about you. And I wouldn't worry about what she thinks. I would, however, mention it to the boy the next time you see him. Not in an accusatory way, but in a, "My son was unhappy about the way he was treated at the birthday party." Just so the kid knows that he's not fooling everyone.

 

Tara

 

I think this could easily be seen by the parent as an attack on the child /adult bullying the child. Especially by a parent who has dismissed the issue and believes her child to be faultless. As a parent I would have a problem with an adult bring it up again with my child instead of with me.

 

Just my 2¢

[LostSurprise]

We had something somewhat similar here once.

 

My son had an embarrassing thing happen to him at a sport's game. It was extremely embarrassing. Friend's mother tried to comfort son that no one would ever know. Friend spread it among a small group at school and even teased him about it. Son told me. I told Friend's mom. Friend's mom was very apologetic, but when she confronted son he lied.

 

She knew he might be lying, but they got into it enough she came back to me and apologized again and said 'I'm sorry, I don't know what happened but I have to believe him. I hope you understand.' I replied that I did and that I had to believe my son as well. We left it there and the confrontation was enough to stop this kid. Mutual friends started calling me and telling me this kid was a good kid, not to take it out on him (???) or treat him harshly (???). Whatever, at least he stopped telling people about it or teasing my son.

 

Your kids are closer then your friends. Your kids are closer then a child you know or don't know. People choose to believe the ones closest to them, even while they realize their loved ones may lie. We choose the person we have more positive experience with and that happens to be the one you live with (generally).

 

I'm blessed that I haven't had to be in that place. My kids fold pretty easy. ;) When they don't fold there's usually a lot of witnesses.

 

No response to the story. I'm sorry that happened to you and your son. There's a lot of that in that age group. Its a good opportunity to talk about the pettiness of human nature, how to protect himself, and how that situation doesn't show anything about him (not good enough, etc) but it shows a lot about how they are and what the dynamic is at public school.

[PiCO]

How unlike you.;)

 

LOL! I was thinking you should realize that by now...

[J-rap]

I wanted to respond to this because my son went through something similar at around that age. That's the age where a lot of boys suddenly think they need to be "cool" and their behavior changes.

 

When this happened with our son, we realized it was time for their friendship to part ways. It was awkward because the other boy's mother was a friend of mine, and she didn't seem to get it. (And, she was the type of mother for whom it was important that her son was accepted as one of the cool kids.)

 

It was sad for my son for awhile, but that was also the age when my husband really stepped it up being his buddy, and talking with him about what's really important in life and what isn't.

 

As predicted, the friend slowly went the way of the party/jock scene, whereas my son continued on his own path and made new friends.

 

Interestingly, once they were out of high school and moved on, the old friend mellowed out and has become a pretty nice young man. I know he looks up to my son quite a bit, and his mother has told me that my son is the best friend he ever had growing up (?).

 

Anyway, they don't hang out together, but you never know. People change, friendships change, and it's okay to move on. Probably every child goes through that at some point. Too bad it has to hurt when it happens!

[catz]

:grouphug: that hurt me to read it. i would be sad and hurt for my son too. kids can be so ugly. as for the mother, maybe it was just her choosing to believe her own son. unless he has given her reasons prior to think that he was capable of behaving that way, it really comes down your son and her son giving two versions of what happened. don't get me wrong, i believe your son. i'm just saying, i can understand siding with my own child if the behavior he was accused of was completely out of character & he said it didn't happen. of course he would be a liar then & that's a whole other issue...

 

I had a situation a few years ago at our church. I left both my kids an an evening program with probably 25-30 kids and maybe 6 adult and teen volunteers. The next day I get a call from the adult coordinator that said some other child accused my son of kicking a child intentionally. And evidently the parents involved felt this was serious enough to follow up on. I was shocked. Completely out of character for my kid. The only time he ever got in trouble for physical contact was for hugging another kid in kindergarten who didn't want a hug. I sat my son down and had a big serious discussion. He just kept saying that he had no idea what I was talking about or what happened. I really felt like it was probably a case of mistaken identity (there was a boy there about a year younger about the same size who has had some issues). Or maybe it was a accident. Or maybe my kid was lying. But he really has never lied to me before and he's never intentionally bit, hit, or kicked another child. So what am I supposed to do with that? It's one kid's word against another. I figured if he was having problems behaving in groups it would make itself known, but it never has. That is the ONE time in his life he's been accused of kicking (or hitting, punching, etc) another child. And there were no witnesses other than this one child that says it happened. I actually would have loved to talk to the other parents and child about it directly, but she wouldn't give me a name (suspected it was a new family, because almost any other family there would have just talked to us).

 

Just giving an example what it's like coming from the other side. If your child is accused of something that seems out of character and says they didn't do it, when they don't have a history of lying, it seems like all you can do is watch and wait. And if this child is bullying regularly, it will come out in time. My son couldn't lie to save his life when he was younger. He didn't even try. When he tried to he'd just start stammering and then give up.

 

I honestly probably wouldn't have said anything if I'd known it was just going to end up being one child's word against another. I don't doubt for a moment your child didn't have his feelings hurt. But sometimes when kids hear things, they can't necessarily repeat the context or say what they were saying going into it. I would probably chose to avoid this child for a while, or at a minimum avoid group activities with him. My kids are sensitive and they can take words that may be just a little snarky and repeat them to sound really awful.

 

Anyway - hope your son is feeling better and has some other good friends to connect with!