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Creepy or not creepy? Aka-- my son is furious with me

starwarsmomma
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atozmom

atozmom

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Not even close to the range of appropriate. At their age, all communication goes through the parents, and you do NOT ever take children off site without explicit permission. Clueless at best, and very dangerous at worst. Your Mama Bear bells are ringing for good reason and you're doing the right thing.

:iagree: This guy is CREEPY even if he is not meaning harm. But honestly the whole thing just sends chills up my spine. My mama bear claws would be out for sure.

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Joker

Joker

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I'd be hunting down the pastor's phone number. Don't you have a deacon or associate pastor you could call?

 

:iagree: I grew up in the Dallas area and we were always able to reach the pastor, day or night. I would hunt for a number and let someone know what's going on.

 

I would also not stop at just getting your son out of his reach. I would take my concerns to someone else, probably the police. Nothing may come of it, but at least they would know he's put himself in this highly inappropriate position and have a file if something happens down the road.

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starwarsmomma

starwarsmomma

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How is the text worded? Is it written to a parent or written to the boys?

ok, reading it again, it's definately worded to my son.

the text itself is "innocent" enough... but the situation surrounding it turns it into a creepy text.

Make sense?

 

The text is actually about my son's baptism. Appareantly, he's been talking to my son about getting baptized. (AND the trip...)

 

The text said "This is ***... have you thought any more about baptism? We are working on a list for Sunday. Let me know... "

 

when this text came, it's when son started also nagging about the trip.

 

As far as the baptism goes, this man really should have contacted us. While I appreciate his concern for my son's salvation, it is OUR decision as to when.how/and where he is baptized.

 

I dunno. This is getting wierder by the minute.

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KnitWit

KnitWit

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My alarm would be going off loudly...BUT...my former youth pastor went to prison for taking action with boys in the youth group, over many years. I would also suspect grooming.

 

After what we all saw happen, it's just very hard for me to vote that he's *naive*...since WE were all naive in the above situation.

 

(I'm trying to word this post weirdly because I don't want the info searched. It was a huge ordeal when it all went down. Tons of evidence removed from the CHURCH office...yeah.)

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KnitWit

KnitWit

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ok, reading it again, it's definately worded to my son.

the text itself is "innocent" enough... but the situation surrounding it turns it into a creepy text.

Make sense?

 

The text is actually about my son's baptism. Appareantly, he's been talking to my son about getting baptized. (AND the trip...)

 

The text said "This is ***... have you thought any more about baptism? We are working on a list for Sunday. Let me know... "

 

when this text came, it's when son started also nagging about the trip.

 

As far as the baptism goes, this man really should have contacted us. While I appreciate his concern for my son's salvation, it is OUR decision as to when.how/and where he is baptized.

 

I dunno. This is getting wierder by the minute.

 

BINGO! He should be SUPPORTING your relationship with your son, not shutting you out or coming between you!

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OrganicAnn

OrganicAnn

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Posted (edited)

In this day and age, a man arranging trips with boys without the parents knowing about it says that either he is clueless or he is a risk taker.

 

In reading the newspaper articles about the Boy Scout s@x offenders, it was amazing how some of them continued to work with either Scouts or other organizations with kids. A slight change in names, a different position, talking people out of filing charges, a change in location and they were back in business. So even if he passed your church's back ground checks....

Edited by OrganicAnn
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Audrey

Audrey

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Yes. It is raising red flags for me.

 

I think that any rational man working with children these days must know that it is of utmost importance to maintain appropriate communication and complete transparency. It is sad, but true, that men working with children are always scrutinized. So, I think when one goes behind the backs of parents, that is a huge red flag.

 

Your son might be mad at you, but that's just too bad, so sad for him. You are doing the right thing by putting a stop to this. You will never know from what you are protecting him, if anything at all, but that is irrelevant. All that matters is that you ARE protecting him.

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Hockey Mom

Hockey Mom

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ok, reading it again, it's definately worded to my son.

the text itself is "innocent" enough... but the situation surrounding it turns it into a creepy text.

Make sense?

 

The text is actually about my son's baptism. Appareantly, he's been talking to my son about getting baptized. (AND the trip...)

 

The text said "This is ***... have you thought any more about baptism? We are working on a list for Sunday. Let me know... "

 

when this text came, it's when son started also nagging about the trip.

 

As far as the baptism goes, this man really should have contacted us. While I appreciate his concern for my son's salvation, it is OUR decision as to when.how/and where he is baptized.

 

I dunno. This is getting wierder by the minute.

 

First of all, yes, it's creepy. Even if his motives are "innocent", he's undermining your parental authority here.

 

I would text him back, as if I were your DS, to see how far he would take it.

 

Definitely talk to the other parents and the pastor(s) about this. And if this were my DS, he wouldn't be anywhere near that person again. Period.

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EthiopianFood

EthiopianFood

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I would speak to pastor, remove kid from class probably no matter what pastor says (and no more mission trips with people who don't watch kids better than this), and talk long and hard with kid about why this all is a big fat No.

 

This could not be more creepy. You are entirely right to be utterly freaked out.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

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scrappyhappymama

scrappyhappymama

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Creepy for sure. I'm can understand your son is angry, but please don't let that sway you from trusting your mama bear instinct.

 

Think of how angry some of those boys would have been to have not been allowed to go to Penn St games, with a coach no less! Or on out of state trips to Bowl Games. Those moms would have been the "worst mom ever!" In fact, I bet there are some moms or dads who did that very thing and are now SO, SO very grateful.

 

Not quite the same, but going to a ranch would be pretty stinking appealing to boys in that age range, and definitely a great opportunity for grooming. Blech. I've got shivers just thinking about it. Such a sad age we live in.

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Little Nyssa

Little Nyssa

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Either creepy,

or innocent, well-meaning, and clueless.

 

However -

Even if clueless/innocent, it opens up the guy to accusations (whether true or not), and thus opens the church to liability.

 

So the answer is no, your ds can't go, both for his protection and the guy's.

(He may understand/accept it better if you explain that regardless of your ds's feelings, it wouldn't be smart for the guy. And that may help your ds see the other side of it and not be clueless himself when he is older.)

 

And yes, you should tell the staff your concerns.

 

:iagree: Either clueless or creepy, the pastor needs to know about this and put a stop to it.

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GailV

GailV

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The church probably has a policy about this too. Most churches and any organization that works with kids practices "two deep" leadership where an adult is NEVER alone with kids. EVER. That leaves the church open for all kinds of lawsuits!!

 

:iagree: Our church requires Good Shepherd training for all adults who have contact with children (has other titles in other churches), background checks, and "two deep". NO WAY would they have been allowed to go off with a single adult on a mission trip.

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katilac

katilac

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In this day and age, a man arranging trips with boys without the parents knowing about it says that either he is clueless or he is a risk taker.

 

Honestly, was there ever a time when this was normal behavior? I was a kid in the 1970s, and this would have been extremely weird in my world. It might have been mentioned as a possibility, but making actual plans? No.

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AdventureMoms

AdventureMoms

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I don't have a boy that age, and I tend to be trusting, and I tend to be fairly free-range...but seriously about 1,000 alarms were ringing in my head just reading your post. SUPER creepy behavior. If he is just clueless, he needs to be clued in IMMEDIATELY. And given the mission trip incident, it seems that there must be others in the group that don't realize how inappropriate this situation is, or who do realize and are looking the other way...

 

Just read the update about the text and baptism thing. Maybe I'm missing something because I'm not Christian, but that seems like a whole other level of weird and inappropriate to be discussing (perhaps setting a date for?) the boy's baptism without involving his parents!

 

I'd be talking to the parents of those other boys, first and foremost. I'd assume they don't know either. Then the pastor, and maybe the police.

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Food4Thought

Food4Thought

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Super creepy. My husband is a youth pastor, and we do nothing with the kids unless both of us are there or another set of adults are helping. We do text the kids sometimes about events, but we know and are in contact with every single one of their parents (or grandparents/guardians, as the case may be). This gives me the shivers. :glare:

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Canadianmumof5

Canadianmumof5

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I would speak to pastor, remove kid from class probably no matter what pastor says (and no more mission trips with people who don't watch kids better than this), and talk long and hard with kid about why this all is a big fat No.

 

This could not be more creepy. You are entirely right to be utterly freaked out.

 

:iagree: x1000

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celticmom

celticmom

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Not just creepy. Wrong.

 

If your alarm bells are ringing, take it as a sign.

 

Deal with the son's anger - there's a reason YOU'RE the mom, and he's not.

 

And by all means, :iagree: with being very, very clear with the pastor. The church sure doesn't need to be condoning this. At. All.:glare:

:iagree:

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Myeightkiddies

Myeightkiddies

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It is inappropriate, and taking the boys off the property was irresponsible. Nothing about what you said sits well with me. My son would not be going on outings with that same person unless other adults were present.

 

While the man may not have any ill-intentions toward the boys, he is still behaving inappropriately and "unprofessionally" (couldn't think of the right word..was thinking immaturely).

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8circles

8circles

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Totally creepy. How would you contact your pastor in an emergency? I would do that, seriously. Church leadership needs to know what is happening ASAP. You have no idea what could have happened/ is in the works with any of the other boys. Staying at the church would depend on the response to this issue.

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Abigail4476

Abigail4476

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Very creepy and completely inappropriate at best. We have had our primary age class out to our house for events, but it was:

 

*well-supervised

*with parental permission

*permission slips were signed and handed in to the church office prior to the event or the kids couldn't attend

 

I would never take any kids off the church property without parental permission and if I did, our pastor would remove me from my post--or at the very least, I would be on the receiving end of a very angry lecture. I can't even imagine what he would say...:001_huh: We also keep every class supervised with at least two adults at all times for liability purposes.

 

You definitely need to inform your pastor about this ASAP. Your son is too young to understand why this is completely wrong, and it's okay if he's mad at you--he'll understand when he has his own kids. :)

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Annie G

Annie G

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I'm usually the one who thinks people are overreacting to things like this. But alarm bells were ringing loudly in my head when I read your post. This is not acceptable.

 

 

I'm so sorry- your son is going to be angry and you're going to look like the bad guy. That stinks.

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justasque

justasque

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I would text him back, as if I were your DS, to see how far he would take it.

 

I would not play this game.

 

And given the mission trip incident, it seems that there must be others in the group that don't realize how inappropriate this situation is, or who do realize and are looking the other way...

 

This bothers me. Did they think it was ok? Or did they think it wasn't but didn't want to speak up as they assumed others were ok with it? I think everyone needs a fresh round of training.

 

While the man may not have any ill-intentions toward the boys, he is still behaving inappropriately and "unprofessionally" (couldn't think of the right word..was thinking immaturely).

 

I would be careful about a witch hunt. But your concerns need to be addressed and it's ok to be the "mean mom" to be sure your kid is safe when an adult is behaving inappropriately.

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Dustybug

Dustybug

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Posted
He didn't ask parent permission first? Nope. Didn't invite parents along? Double Nope. You have a different impression of him than your son does? Triple Nope.

 

Stay strong on this one. Your hackles are up for a reason. Listen to that voice.

 

In 20 years your son will understand. Really.

 

We got your back!

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

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Abigail4476

Abigail4476

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ok, reading it again, it's definately worded to my son.

the text itself is "innocent" enough... but the situation surrounding it turns it into a creepy text.

Make sense?

 

The text is actually about my son's baptism. Appareantly, he's been talking to my son about getting baptized. (AND the trip...)

 

The text said "This is ***... have you thought any more about baptism? We are working on a list for Sunday. Let me know... "

 

when this text came, it's when son started also nagging about the trip.

 

As far as the baptism goes, this man really should have contacted us. While I appreciate his concern for my son's salvation, it is OUR decision as to when.how/and where he is baptized.

 

I dunno. This is getting wierder by the minute.

 

It COULD be ignorance or someone who is over-zealous, but it's still inappropriate either way. It's definitely not his place to push a child into baptism without including the parents in that conversation, and certainly not his place to SCHEDULE :001_huh::001_huh::001_huh: a baptism without parental consent.

 

Taking kids anywhere without parental knowledge is the part that worries me. He's either incredibly stupid or naive OR he has ulterior motives. Whether those motives involve undermining parent/child relationships and inserting himself as an authority figure or something more sinister, it's hard to say. Our youth pastor does communicate with our kids via text and facebook messages, but he always contacts the parents about "big stuff", and that would include anytime the kids are going anywhere except the church property.

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ChemMommy

ChemMommy

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Creepy~

 

I'm glad you are speaking to your pastor tomorrow!! Be brave and object to this. It is wrong!!

 

Sorry, son! You are staying home. (He'll thank you in about 5 years when he is old enough to understand the implications of what this guy is doing).

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rosetyler

rosetyler

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Posted

Is this a single man? How old is he? Ask yourself why would ( a single man in his twenties, for example ) want to spend his weekend alone with a bunch of preteen boys? My husband would spend time with his own kids on the weekend, but most normal guys of any age don't spend thier weekends alone with 12 year olds that are not thiers. I personally would call the man myself and say "this is _________ mother and you are not to text or otherwise contact my son again. My son also told me you took him and some other boys on a car trip at ____ mission trip. That is completely innapropriate and I will be contacting (police, pastor, whatever action you are taking.)" Or if dh would do it. I would make it clear my son was off limits and make sure he KNEW we were suspicious. I would be wary of the baptism thing, does getting baptized at your church involve any sort of preliminary counseling that this person would also "volunteer" for?

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Mrs Mungo

Mrs Mungo

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Either creepy,

or innocent, well-meaning, and clueless.

 

However -

Even if clueless/innocent, it opens up the guy to accusations (whether true or not), and thus opens the church to liability.

 

So the answer is no, your ds can't go, both for his protection and the guy's.

(He may understand/accept it better if you explain that regardless of your ds's feelings, it wouldn't be smart for the guy. And that may help your ds see the other side of it and not be clueless himself when he is older.)

 

And yes, you should tell the staff your concerns.

 

I agree.

 

But, I have a suggestion. Sit down with your son. Go to the Boy Scouts of America website and watch their Youth Protection training video. Maybe that would help your son understand why it is a red flag.

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starwarsmomma

starwarsmomma

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I agree.

 

But, I have a suggestion. Sit down with your son. Go to the Boy Scouts of America website and watch their Youth Protection training video. Maybe that would help your son understand why it is a red flag.

 

LOL-- My husband and I are both leadership in cub scouts AND boy scouts. We DO the training every year (even though it's required every 2!) My son is a boy scout! he KNOWS this-- he just is still an invincible 12 year old. :(

 

I made hubby read this thread, so he knows I'm not being a paranoid momma! :lol: Thanks so much for confirming what i already suspected!

 

I have been accused by friends and family of being a helicopter parent/overprotective (mainly because I homeschool). So to get validation from ya'll is soooo good to hear!

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Farrar

Farrar

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Posted
I'm usually the one who thinks people are overreacting to things like this. But alarm bells were ringing loudly in my head when I read your post. This is not acceptable.

 

Ditto. I usually am the first person complaining that we're way too suspicious of men being around children in our society and that it has lost us so many valuable things. But in this case, like others said, even if it all turns out to be completely innocent in terms of having ill intentions toward the kids, he's both incredibly naive and has already crossed a line by leaving with the kids in his own vehicle without your permission.

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