How can you be a good mil?

[Excelsior! Academy]

I know many of us do not have the best relationships with our mils. What can one do to be a good mil? Assuming that most of us will be and some of us probably are already.

[Impish]

Respect.

Consideration.

Respect.

 

[nono]

In my case the best way would probably be for me to die young. :)

[jujsky]

Easy. Read all my posts on my MIL and do the opposite :D

 

In all seriousness, respect your future DIL/SIL. Don't interfere with their child-rearing. Stay out of any arguments between the DIL/SIL and your child. Don't make snide remarks and insult them. Try to love them like you love your own child and foster a relationship with them. Respect your child's new family apart from yours. I think that's one of the biggies with my MIL -- she has a difficult time seeing that her son is still part of her family, but he also has his own little family that has to come first. Another biggie -- no unsolicited advice. Your kids/their spouses will ask for and listen to advice more often if you only give it when asked.

[hthnmamax2]

Don't degrade their beliefs just because you believe differently.

 

Don't treat your other child's children better than you treat theirs.

 

Don't question the parentage of any children they may have.

 

Don't tell your DIL at the wedding reception that "he may occasionally smack you and it's your job to turn the other cheek."

 

Do NOT ask your DIL to hold the laptop and stay off camera so you can Skype with your son (her husband) who has been deployed for 15 months.

[Impish]

Immediately after they exchange vows, and have just come back down the aisle, do NOT grab the bride, your new dil, and announce, "I'm so glad he married you! Now I won't EVER have to be in a nursing home!"

 

Do not complain about a toddler's behaviour, and then send a dvd w/The Demoniac Boy on it.

 

You are not, and should not, be the centre of the universe.

 

Respect.

Consideration.

Respect.

[Peaceful Isle]

My MIL treats me with so much more respect than my own mother, sad to say. :( I am a lot closer to her as well.

God knew I couldn't take it from both sides I guess.

[Mary in VA]

I had the world's best MIL. She became like a second mother to me and I miss her. Here's what I learned from her and I hope I can apply.

 

1.As Impish said RESPECT!

2. Don't give advice unless asked, on anything, and that includes parenting and money! If my mil disagreed with something we were doing the only way we could tell was she was quiet :001_smile:

3. Treat your child and their spouse like they are adults.

4. When in their house the way they do things are the rules. My mil offered to help with dinner one night. She asked how I wanted the broccoli cut and I told her however you cut it. She said, "I want to cut it the way you do."

5. Wait to offer help. When she was staying with us after first dd was born she waited to quietly offer help. She didn't jump in immediately and take over. In the middle of the night when dd was crying she'd let us deal with it. Then after a while there would be a gentle knock on our door and she'd say, "Do you want me to take her for a while." She didn't make us feel inadequate as new parents, but let us know she was available if we needed her.

 

Now, as the parent of a 22 yo, I try to remember what my mil did even though dd isn't married. I realize how much restraint she had and how difficult it is to remain quiet sometimes :001_smile: But if we want our adult kids to come to us for the big issues they need to know we respect them as the adults they are. MIL was a shining example of that.

 

Mary

[Excelsior! Academy]

In my case the best way would probably be for me to die young. :)

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[OrganicAnn]

I think it is important to treat an IL very nicely. Don't assume your child is all good and the in-law the problem (or your child does all the work and the in-law is lazy). Know that you may be blind when it comes to your own children. Respect is great. Nice presents of money is good.

[NotSoObvious]

I love my mother-in-law, but maybe it's because she had 6 kids, so we aren't under such intense scrutiny. :)

 

Be respectful and welcoming, which is totally doable while still maintaining your own standards, especially when in your own home.

 

Know your boundaries and set limits and expectations for family in your own home. (MIL is great about having clear expectations for where kids can play and where things go when they clean up- not as OCD as it sounds, just big bins in a closet).

 

Be supportive.

 

Recognize that your child has a NEW nuclear family that will always come before you. :) Sad, but true. You should want it that way, IMO.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Don't talk all the time about how you miss your grand kids and how you rarely see them and then don't make any effort to see them. When you live 5 minutes away. :glare:

[NotSoObvious]

Don't talk all the time about how you miss your grand kids and how you rarely see them and then don't make any effort to see them. When you live 5 minutes away. :glare:

 

:iagree: Don't be a martyr. Put your big girl panties on. :)

[Hoggirl]

I think "respect" definitely sums it up best.

 

My ds is only 15, so I have awhile ;)

 

I have in my head that before ds is married that during the engagement I will take future dil out for a nice lunch and give her a heads-up on all my flaws, especially my bossy, know-it-all ways. I want to tell her that I want to have a good relationship with her but that I am far from perfect. I want to tell her that I really wish she would tell me when I am crossing a line/being obnoxious. I want to tell her that I have spent much time during my marriage complaining to girlfriends (for me personally - not about mil who is fantastic, but fil who is a PITA), and that I don't want to be that kind of mil. That I have absolutely NO experience as a mother-in-law, and I may need some breaking-in time. And to please ask her to help train me up to be a good mil.

 

My mil is fantastic! She has terrific boundaries. She offers advice when I ask for it but does not do so otherwise. She is fun and supportive. She was a ps teacher for 28 years. I know she didn't initially approve of our homeschooling, but she kept her mouth shut. I may just ask myself over and over again, "What would my mil do?"

[Kari C in SC]

I have a unique situation on this. Background - I do not have a very good relationship with my MIL. My dh moved out when he was 13 and during the time we met and married - his parents were not in his life. Since then, we do have contact with them, but I would not say I have a good relationship with her.

 

When I was homeschooling my oldest son, I met another homeschooled girl that was 12 when he was 13. Her mom was a good friend of mine and helped a lot with transporting kids. This young girl, Brittany, hung out with my son often. She met and became friends with his best friend, Patrick. They married a couple years ago and have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. Patrick was my "other son". His family life was strained at best and he lived a lot of his life in our house. We welcomed him as family. When he married and had his baby, they told us that they wanted us to be adopted grandparents. We were happy, but I wouldn't say we were extremely involved being that we lived out of state. I did fall in love with that baby girl though. Well... as most of you know... my son passed away and with that - my dreams of having a dil and grandbaby soon - went away. Patrick and Brittany swooped in and loved on us. Told us that we were family and we most definitely did have a grandbaby to love. It was a process for me. Grieving my loss, but also accepting that somebody could be so kind and loving. And... to complicate things more... Brittany was a BRAT growing up. I know - not nice to say - but honest - she was! My son and her were friends, but they fought because he wasn't one to take garbage from someone. So, I thought - how will I have this relationship with her. Okay, this is long - I know. Last November, we met them at Legoland in FL. I was quite nervous about spending the day with her. Not worried about Patrick, just her. You know what? She had grown and matured and had endured all of the pain our "family" had to endure. I enjoyed every. single. moment. of that day. Then we went and spend several days with them in FL and I took her to lunch and shopping and it was like - this was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. Since then, we have seen them a couple more times (they came for a week this summer). I am so blessed to call her my daughter in law. But to answer your question - I do as others said... I respect her. I don't try to influence her in anyway. I love who she is and who she has grown into. When I wonder about something like for instance - I wanted to buy my granddaughter and Elf on the Shelf type book. I simply asked her what her preference was. My mil has never talked to me. She has never treated me like I was worth much. I don't do that to Brittany. I let her know all the time how happy I am that she is in our lives. And - that makes me truly blessed.

[Belacqua]

So it kind of sounds like the next step from the advice to mother of the groom: show up, shut up, wear beige. Or, slightly less brusquely: be available to assist and advise but don't push; don't judge (out loud, anyway); don't try to take over; don't be needy.

 

Oh, dear. :glare: Can I replace dying young with moving to an otherwise uninhabited island?

 

I'm lucky enough, at least, to have an excellent example to follow. My MIL has been unfailingly respectful and open-minded (out loud, anyway :)). I know we've done some things she hasn't been thrilled about *ahemhomeschoolingahem*, but she's kept her opinions to herself and made an effort to comment on the positives she sees.

[SheWhoWaits]

My MIL is mostly very good, but here are some things I wish she'd done better:

1) Allow your IL to choose what they want to call you--mom, your first name, Mrs + your last name. In my case my MIL requested to be called mom, which I do, and have never complained before, but I'd rather have called her by her first name. I HAVE a mom, and she is not it. Less confusion if I don't call two people mom.

2) If you must give advice, FOR GOD"S SAKE don't check up to make sure your in law is taking your advice.

3) If you have a problem with the IL, tell them so. Don't try to go through your child, and don't hold it in until you can't anymore then explode at the IL.

4) Don't offer to help then resent it if they accept your offer.

5) Don't criticize their housekeeping, home decorating, child-rearing, schooling choices.

6)Don't come into their home and tell them how things "must" be done--e.g. "You must have a light over the sink, there isn't enough light there." Maybe the IL is happy with only the natural light and never does dishes after dark. It's not your business, even if you do help them with dishes.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Now I'll go back to being best friends with my MIL. She isn't perfect, but neither am I and we love each other.

[Impish]

*snip* Or, slightly less brusquely: be available to assist and advise but don't push; don't judge (out loud, anyway); don't try to take over; don't be needy.

 

Oh, dear. :glare: Can I replace dying young with moving to an otherwise uninhabited island?

 

 

Forgive me, but what's wrong w/don't push, don't judge, don't try to take over, don't be needy?

 

My experience, it really does boil down to respect and consideration.

 

Respect your children are adults. Respect their marriage. Respect that their world does not, and should not, revolve around extended family. Consider they have lives, and don't announce you're coming on x date w/out bothering to ask if it's a good time for them.

 

consider that there's x# of them, and only 1 (or 2, if both parents) of you, and a heck of a lot more hassle and $ for them to travel than for you.

 

Don't whine to anyone and everyone about how they don't visit, when you know your ds is on probation for his work for 6 mths, and unable to take time off, when you're 14 hrs one way...and when your ds, dil drag their kids 2 hrs (1 way) out of *their* way just to see you when you're in the same time zone, spending barely an hr w/them and then disappearing w/out bothering to say goodbye should mean you lose all rights to p!ss and moan about how little time they spend w/you.

 

Don't pull a disappearing act, end up w/a missing person's report out on you, and then LAUGH to everyone about it, make snide remarks about how if your ds were nearby, he'd have been able to check up on you, etc.

 

It really boils down to 4 things.

 

Respect

consideration

Respect

don't be a freakin nutbunny.

[Georgiana Daniels]

First, don't keep making references to how fat your DIL is :glare:

 

As to the rest, I'm gleaning info from those of you who have btdt, as I will have a son in law in two weeks.

[cin]

Easy. Read all my posts on my MIL and do the opposite :D

 

In all seriousness, respect your future DIL/SIL. Don't interfere with their child-rearing. Stay out of any arguments between the DIL/SIL and your child. Don't make snide remarks and insult them. Try to love them like you love your own child and foster a relationship with them. Respect your child's new family apart from yours. I think that's one of the biggies with my MIL -- she has a difficult time seeing that her son is still part of her family, but he also has his own little family that has to come first. Another biggie -- no unsolicited advice. Your kids/their spouses will ask for and listen to advice more often if you only give it when asked.

 

I was thinking along the same lines, only without the detail...MYOB

 

And I think we should try to educate our children to watch for signs in BAD MIL/FIL. Once you start getting serious, are they always a TOP consideration for potential DH? Does she make him choose between you and her? Does she interfere with your relationship? What you are doing, where you are going? Does she insist on being included, or you guys HAVE to be at her house on Christmas day....These are signs of a potential BAD MIL/FIL.

[AK_Mom4]

Honestly? Get your own life.

 

Where I think you run into trouble as an IL is when you get so involved with your grown up kids lives that you don't go live your own.

 

Get some hobbies. Get involved with things in your community. Spend time with your family, but also do things for yourself and your spouse.

 

For the record - I have a great MIL. DH calls her regularly just to chat and share what's going on in our lives (she is 2000 miles away). She has attended the grandkids "big events" when she could and enjoys having everyone visit her house.

[Impish]

I was thinking along the same lines, only without the detail...MYOB

 

And I think we should try to educate our children to watch for signs in BAD MIL/FIL. Once you start getting serious, are they always a TOP consideration for potential DH? Does she make him choose between you and her? Does she interfere with your relationship? What you are doing, where you are going? Does she insist on being included, or you guys HAVE to be at her house on Christmas day....These are signs of a potential BAD MIL/FIL.

Actually, I'd say choosing her, allows her to interfere, insist on being included, etc, it's signs of a bad SPOUSE. forget the MIL, don't bother w/the potential spouse.

[Mom-ninja.]

Consideration.

 

Like considering the fact that your some of your grandkids can't eat gluten so when they visit you don't pull out a surprise cake (or two) and everyone eats it in front of the dc who can't eat it.

 

 

Try to love them like you love your own child and foster a relationship with them.

 

Actually speak TO your dil not "to" her through your ds. I can be standing in the room and my in-laws will turn to my dh and ask him to ask me something or ask him what I want.

 

 

 

Don't treat your other child's children better than you treat theirs.

 

 

 

I can't agree more. Also, don't babysit your other grandkids all the time (like almost everyday) and yet decline when asked to babysit your sil's dc.

 

I have finally given up asking her.

 

 

Don't assume your child is all good and the in-law the problem (or your child does all the work and the in-law is lazy). Know that you may be blind when it comes to your own children.

 

:iagree: Apparently, my dh is flawless. Oh if only my mil knew some things from his past. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

Regarding presents.....try to remember what your sil likes and dislikes.

 

If your dil tells you things don't turn around and spread it through the family and your friends. :glare: Discretion, confidentiality, and trust are things your dil should feel are qualities you have.

[kalanamak]

Mind your own business.

Don't "unload".

Help out in an emergency.

Write, if you live a long ways away.

Let go of your son/daughter.

Find every GC very, very beautiful.

Have good manners, but don't demand them back. Instead, reward them when you see them.

Save enough for your own retirement.

Try to have some interest in his/her interests.

Don't use your gifts/money to control.

Bake.

[momtokea]

Respect the fact that your dil probably has parents and siblings that she would like to visit, too, once in a while. This is not an insult to you. You are not in competition with the other grandparents. They love them, but they love you, too.

[Impish]

Respect the fact that your dil probably has parents and siblings that she would like to visit, too, once in a while. This is not an insult to you. You are not in competition with the other grandparents. They love them, but they love you, too.

go one further...

 

Don't act shocked when it's pointed out to you that the children have 2 grandmothers.

 

Your dil/sil wasn't found under a cabbage, yanno.

[Belacqua]

Forgive me, but what's wrong w/don't push, don't judge, don't try to take over, don't be needy?

 

My experience, it really does boil down to respect and consideration.

 

 

Oh, goodness. Absolutely nothing wrong with those things, and I will aspire to do just that (and for what it's worth, I also agree with show up, shut up, wear beige :)). I was just thinking that I know my own weaknesses, and that it will be difficult to be a consistently good MIL. Fortunately, my only kid is still in high school, so I should have a while to work on improving myself.

[Peaceful Isle]

My MIL is mostly very good, but here are some things I wish she'd done better:

1) Allow your IL to choose what they want to call you--mom, your first name, Mrs + your last name. In my case my MIL requested to be called mom, which I do, and have never complained before, but I'd rather have called her by her first name. I HAVE a mom, and she is not it. Less confusion if I don't call two people mom.

2) If you must give advice, FOR GOD"S SAKE don't check up to make sure your in law is taking your advice.

3) If you have a problem with the IL, tell them so. Don't try to go through your child, and don't hold it in until you can't anymore then explode at the IL.

4) Don't offer to help then resent it if they accept your offer.

5) Don't criticize their housekeeping, home decorating, child-rearing, schooling choices.

6)Don't come into their home and tell them how things "must" be done--e.g. "You must have a light over the sink, there isn't enough light there." Maybe the IL is happy with only the natural light and never does dishes after dark. It's not your business, even if you do help them with dishes.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Now I'll go back to being best friends with my MIL. She isn't perfect, but neither am I and we love each other.

 

I am sooo with you on number 3!!

[Mom0012]

In my case the best way would probably be for me to die young. :)

 

:iagree: I think it's very hard to win as a MIL and I don't see myself being one of the lucky ones.

 

Lisa

[SonshineLearner]

Funny, I read "How to 'BUY' a Good MIL" :)

[Excelsior! Academy]

I have a unique situation on this. Background - I do not have a very good relationship with my MIL. My dh moved out when he was 13 and during the time we met and married - his parents were not in his life. Since then, we do have contact with them, but I would not say I have a good relationship with her.

 

When I was homeschooling my oldest son, I met another homeschooled girl that was 12 when he was 13. Her mom was a good friend of mine and helped a lot with transporting kids. This young girl, Brittany, hung out with my son often. She met and became friends with his best friend, Patrick. They married a couple years ago and have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. Patrick was my "other son". His family life was strained at best and he lived a lot of his life in our house. We welcomed him as family. When he married and had his baby, they told us that they wanted us to be adopted grandparents. We were happy, but I wouldn't say we were extremely involved being that we lived out of state. I did fall in love with that baby girl though. Well... as most of you know... my son passed away and with that - my dreams of having a dil and grandbaby soon - went away. Patrick and Brittany swooped in and loved on us. Told us that we were family and we most definitely did have a grandbaby to love. It was a process for me. Grieving my loss, but also accepting that somebody could be so kind and loving. And... to complicate things more... Brittany was a BRAT growing up. I know - not nice to say - but honest - she was! My son and her were friends, but they fought because he wasn't one to take garbage from someone. So, I thought - how will I have this relationship with her. Okay, this is long - I know. Last November, we met them at Legoland in FL. I was quite nervous about spending the day with her. Not worried about Patrick, just her. You know what? She had grown and matured and had endured all of the pain our "family" had to endure. I enjoyed every. single. moment. of that day. Then we went and spend several days with them in FL and I took her to lunch and shopping and it was like - this was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. Since then, we have seen them a couple more times (they came for a week this summer). I am so blessed to call her my daughter in law. But to answer your question - I do as others said... I respect her. I don't try to influence her in anyway. I love who she is and who she has grown into. When I wonder about something like for instance - I wanted to buy my granddaughter and Elf on the Shelf type book. I simply asked her what her preference was. My mil has never talked to me. She has never treated me like I was worth much. I don't do that to Brittany. I let her know all the time how happy I am that she is in our lives. And - that makes me truly blessed.

 

What a beautiful story.

[MiniBlondes]

In general just try your best not to be a psycho.

 

I don't ask for more than that.

[Aspasia]

I always tell people how lucky I am to have a fantastic MIL. I have theorized about it before, but Mary summed it up beautifully here:

 

I had the world's best MIL. She became like a second mother to me and I miss her. Here's what I learned from her and I hope I can apply.

 

1.As Impish said RESPECT!

2. Don't give advice unless asked, on anything, and that includes parenting and money! If my mil disagreed with something we were doing the only way we could tell was she was quiet :001_smile: My MIL and I are sooooo different and I'm pretty sure that she thinks a lot of my ideas and decisions (especially homeschooling) are completely crazy. But I will never know for sure because she never says anything to me. Or anyone else.

3. Treat your child and their spouse like they are adults.

4. When in their house the way they do things are the rules. My mil offered to help with dinner one night. She asked how I wanted the broccoli cut and I told her however you cut it. She said, "I want to cut it the way you do." My MIL totally does this! It's representative of a fundamental respect for you and the way you do things in your home and in your life.

5. Wait to offer help. When she was staying with us after first dd was born she waited to quietly offer help. She didn't jump in immediately and take over. In the middle of the night when dd was crying she'd let us deal with it. Then after a while there would be a gentle knock on our door and she'd say, "Do you want me to take her for a while." She didn't make us feel inadequate as new parents, but let us know she was available if we needed her.

 

Now, as the parent of a 22 yo, I try to remember what my mil did even though dd isn't married. I realize how much restraint she had and how difficult it is to remain quiet sometimes :001_smile: But if we want our adult kids to come to us for the big issues they need to know we respect them as the adults they are. MIL was a shining example of that.

 

Mary

 

I also think pp was dead on when she said that we are more likely to ask for advice when it isn't given unsolicited. Definitely the case here. I go to my MIL for advice because I respect her and I know she isn't going to be forceful. She isn't going to be offended if I don't take her advice. She isn't going to judge me or think I'm pathetic for not knowing the answers. In fact, this woman has eight children and she regularly expresses a little uncertainty when she does give me advice. That helps me feel a lot more comfortable with my own cluelessness. I mean, here's a lady who has raised eight spectacular people, even though she was uncertain about a lot of things along the way. That kind of genuineness really helps your DIL trust, respect, and adore you.

[nono]

I wouldn't say my MIL is fantastic, but she and I are both difficult personalities, and we get along perfectly well, despite the fact that she'd probably rather I were someone else and vice versa. :) She treats me as an adult. We hash out our differences (which considering she's an adult immigrant to the US can be substantial). She asks the hard questions. I give the hard answers.

 

In the end, we pour each other a drink and declare detente. We love our family, and we never forget that. I actually wouldn't trade her for anyone in the world. (Oh, and we're only 19 yrs apart in age. Considering that my Mom is 38 yrs. older than me, that's freaky. But I call her Mom! It's tradition in my family, and I honor that. She appreciates that from her Chinese perspective. I know I have a Mom. Nothing wrong with having a second in my opinion.)

[DawnM]

I didn't think I could either, but those were the cards I was dealt. :glare:

 

My MIL treats me with so much more respect than my own mother, sad to say. :( I am a lot closer to her as well.

God knew I couldn't take it from both sides I guess.

[Ghee]

Well, let's see....

 

Respect that your S/DIL has their own family that perhaps s/he loves and doesn't feel the need to "jump ship" into your family, so to speak

 

Understand that your S/DIL may not get along with everyone in your family, she may not enjoy being with them. As long as s/he isn't baiting them or badmouthing them, stay the heck out of it and don't try to shove those people down S/DIL's throat!

 

Your son or daughter should be working with the S/DIL, issues should be between the two of them and you should respect their decisions. Calling your son or daughter and laying on guilt trips is mean.

 

When tempted to tell your S/DIL that you noticed something was "wrong" with their child the day it was born, and that you figured it was just "something they had *done*" that caused it....shut the **** up. Seriously. Nothing good can come of that.

 

If you can't treat S/DIL's children as nicely as the rest of your grandchildren, if you must always pander to the others and put them on a pedestal...stop trying to force the S/DIL's children to come to your home to witness this. Again, it's just mean.

 

Think before telling your S/DIL that your son or daughter is a <certain bodily orifice>....realize that you are saying you raised an <certain bodily orifice>....reflect on what that says about you as a parent.

 

 

ETA: I knew I shouldn't have opened this thread LOL Someone just rang my doorbell...guess who it was? And she managed to get in a dig about how I was "looking better". Than what?!

Edited August 12, 2012 by Ghee

[Kelly1730]

My dh's mother died right when we began dating, I never met her. So, I never had a mil, but I do have a mother:tongue_smilie: I hope I am a good mil, I've not had any complaints ( to my face anyhow). I try to treat my dil's like I would want to be treated. Never drop in unannounced ( my mother STILL does this!), I don't discipline the dgc when their parents are right there, I always ask parent before I give dgc any food item at all, I don't give advice unless asked (one dil will ask me occasionally how I handled something, I am honored). I have good relationships with them. They are wonderful young women, my sons have chosen well:).

[OnTheBrink]

Don't be passive/aggressive. Don't sigh heavily and say, "I was so hoping and praying my son would marry a virgin!" if your DIL has a child from a previous relationship/marriage. Don't make racial slurs about said child, in front of him/her or not. Ever.

 

Mind your own business and realize what IS your business and what isn't. Here's what's not:

 

Your DIL's life before she marries your son.

Her weight.

Her convictions.

What your son spends their money on. And, if he buys his wife a $$ gift, that doesn't entitle you to receive the same $$ gift. See above about being passive/aggressive.

When and if they're going to have a baby. Do NOT call every *&^%& morning and ask, "Well, anything yet?"

Parenting

Disciplining children

Educating children

Your son and DIL's sex life and, btw, they really REALLY don't want to hear about YOUR sex life. Ever. In any lifetime. In any universe.

 

Do not call your other children to spread rumours and inuendo about your DIL. This WILL get back to her and she will consider poisoning your plate at Christmas dinner.

 

Be gracious.

Be kind.

Be helpful, if asked for help.

Respect the new family unit.

Don't assume you're some sort of matriarch and need to be consulted before any major or minor family decision.

Don't assume you're invited on a vacation simply because you know they're taking one.

Don't show up unannounced and uninvited, yelling "Surprise!" when they open the door.

Don't snoop in their bill file, dresser drawers, closets.

 

Lastly, go watch Everyone Loves Raymond. Study his mother. Then, DON'T DO THAT!

 

(Can you tell my exMIL was...difficult?)

[my2boysteacher]

I decided I am going to be a wonderful MIL because I am going to pick out all my childrens' spouses. :D

[Ghee]

Mind your own business and realize what IS your business and what isn't. Here's what's not:

 

Your son and DIL's sex life and, btw, they really REALLY don't want to hear about YOUR sex life. Ever. In any lifetime. In any universe.

 

(Can you tell my exMIL was...difficult?)

 

Oh, yeah, add that one to mine, too! And please, PLEASE don't give reviews of teA "sweetners"....ever :ack2:

 

Wait....she's your EX MIL?? You made it to the other side? There is hope! Did you have to divorce the husband to get rid of her or can you just divorce the MIL? :D

[MrsBasil]

Generally we do pretty well. We haven't lived in the same state for 12 years and I was 18 when we moved, so we didn't have a whole lot of getting to know you time. Plus, she has some sort of social anxiety that apparently means she either doesn't talk or just keeps going and going and going. She's hard to get to know.

 

They moved here a few months back. I'm trying. She loves my kids and she's trying too.

 

Here's one though. If you come to stay your son/DIL's house after the birth of a a baby, because your son requested it, and you take over because that's how it is in your family just realize that that's not how it is in every family. If your DIL requests that maybe she, her DH, and the baby can stay in the master bedroom for an afternoon and bond and her DH decides to offer to send you and your husband out to lunch and a movie, that doesn't mean you aren't wanted.

 

You don't need to get tearful and decide to leave 3 days early because you "clearly aren't wanted or needed."

 

So don't be drama queen? Or just understand that everyone does things differently and requesting that something be done her/their way in her/their own house isn't about you?

 

You give a little and I'll give a little. Usually.

[sourpatchbaby]

1. don't have favorite kids. If you do, respect and realize that your DIL/SIL doesn't have to have that person as their favorite. My MIL is very vocal about who her favorite child is and it's not my husband. She doesn't like the fact that I loathe my BIL (partly because I can't stand the way my husband gets thrown aside for him even though he's the only one that has helped her when she needs it). To the point where she didn't care at all that my husband was deployed to Iraq but you should've seen the broadway show she made when her "precious" was sent for three weeks to Cuba. She broke down in hysterics in the middle of church when asking people to please pray for him because of the dangerous situation he was going to be put in...

 

2. don't treat your child/his/her spouse as an ATM. They have families that they need to take care of, they don't need to be taking care of you if you're able bodied and have a job. Also, if you see your child buy himself a used car don't expect or demand that he give it to you when he is ready to upgrade it (even before he talks about upgrading it).

 

3. Learn some manners. It is impolite to go to your new DIL's house and stand six inches away from her while she cooks with your arms crossed while saying "I'm going to see how you cook" then make noises and grunts as she uses ingredients you don't like and say "I don't eat that. I don't eat that." Sorry, but there are people in the world that actually eat vegetables and whose entire diet does NOT consist in fried chicken, fish fingers, and white rice.

 

4. don't pretend that you have a relationship with your DIL/grandchildren just so people think you're a great person. If you're told important news like a pregnancy/baby sex/name/anything that should be announced by the couple themselves don't go off to tell everyone and their mother just so you can pretend that you are so awesome you've been told news first. Your DIL just might tell everyone else but you the news first so that your bubble will burst when you go to tell people and they already know. With my last pregnancy I had asked the Hubby for us to keep the sex/name to ourselves until the birth because of how his mother is. He didn't like it and told his mom the sex a couple of days after we knew. I had people I didn't even know texting me to confirm the sex of the baby because she had told them. I refused to talk about names after that until after baby was born.

 

5. don't blame your DIL/SIL if your adult child tells you no to some harebrained idea. MIL got it into her head that my husband should cosign for a 70k personal unsecured loan for her precious son. He said no of course because he needs to have good credit or he loses his security clearance and the brother has had bankruptcies in the past. She blamed me for it and it got so bad that the pastors had to get involved to get her to understand why she was wrong.

 

6. Don't all of a sudden get cutesy nicknames you want to be called by your grandchildren that are any derivative of the word mom just because your favorite child has given you a favorite grandchild.

 

7. don't parent your grandchildren in their parent's presence.

 

8. respect their choices as adults and don't give unsolicited advice especially if you were a crappy parent yourself. Your DIL/SIL has seen the results of the way you parent and are dealing with the resulting mess, they don't need to raise their child the way you raised yours.

 

9. don't be a racist towards your adult child's spouse, especially when every man you've ever been with is dark skinned.

 

10. Make funeral plans (especially if you're close to retirement) and don't expect a million dollar funeral with a food stamp budget. You can't expect to let others pay for you when you go through several thousand dollars in less than a month and they have to struggle to keep a roof over their heads. If you still don't, be prepared when you're told that keeping a roof over a child's head is more important than the big estate funeral you want and that if you don't plan/prepare for it you'll get cremated. I don't have 30k to pay to fly your body to another country and give you the burial you want and won't put my children's livelihood in jeopardy in order to humor you. Don't worry, we had the same talk with my mom too. I'm an equal opportunity hater;)

 

ETA:

11. It is NOT okay to tell your DIL less than four hours after she gave birth that "they left the other twin in her uterus because she's still very fat" you just might not be allowed to even touch that child until he's almost a year old.

Edited August 12, 2012 by sourpatchbaby

[Dobela]

My MIL lives 2000 miles away and we have not seen her since 1999. She has never met our kids but she sends cards, gifts, and notes of encouragement regularly. She also calls every week or two. I wish we could be around her at least some, but we can't afford to see her and she won't come alone to see us.

 

1. She believes that we have taken time to make our decisions and even if she doesn't agree, believes that we are capable of handling any consequences.

 

2. Whatever we say we are going to do, she tells us all the reasons why we will succeed at that.

 

 

 

She is this way for the family that lives by her, so I know it isn't just because we are not close physically.

[justLisa]

I love my MIL. SHe's just the type to answer a question, give advice when you ask, and never pushy. SHe really just comes here to see her family and love on my kids. She was a SAHM and her mother died very young and she raised 5 brothers. She is a happy spirit.

 

FIL? Well a bit different. All pettiness aside, he's a wonderful man. Just a hard one to *live* with for 1-2 weeks, KWIM?

 

I think what makes families meld, is understanding that you all are different. Two families who once never knew each other, and lived entirely different. Even with similarities, no one was raised the exact same way. It can be hard to set aside petty differences, and realize underneath it all are loving people just growing a bigger family. There are onsie twosies in ours, that we've sort of kicked out of our closer circle because they have earned it. But it has been a long and humbling road, learning that my inlaws really do love me, they are just different. And that's ok.

 

ETA: I used to be a brat. Straight up. I was sheltered and horrified to learn in my early adulthood that not everyone was like us. That was a hard pill to swallow, but once I did, they all seemed a lot nicer LOL

[Little Nyssa]

My MIL is a star. Here's what she does:

 

1. She says everything I cook is great.

 

2. She often says "that's YOUR business. I won't interfere!"

 

3. If asked for advice, she says, "I think you guys can decide that."

 

4. She thinks everything I do is great.

 

There are a few little things I could nitpick about, but, really, I have it easy.:001_smile:

[LibraryLover]

I am going to try and shut up, no matter what.

 

 

 

Oh! PS! I did once talk to my MIL about sex (translated through a SIL, and I only remember the gist, not the actual words)). "I thought I was too old to have sex when I was 40, and too often pushed my husband away. That was terrible! I look at you and think, 'You're both over 40, and you are both so pretty! Why wouldn't your husbands want to make love to you?' I was so stupid. 40 seemed so old back then! Enjoy yourselves!"

 

The conversation didn't make me at all uncomfortable. I was very interested. I giggled a bit inside, but I also realized that 40 back in the 60's in her part of the world, is not what 40 is today. I felt a bit sad for her. She could see with her own eyes how adorable and vibrant her sons were at the age she thought she and her dh were "too old".

Edited August 12, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Rosie_0801]

I think if you assume your inlaw is great until proven otherwise, you're off to a fine start. My exMIL assumed I was stupid and a gold digger because I was working in retail. That I was paying my way through uni didn't count because she didn't like the subject I was studying. Mind you, I'd been warned about her by several people before she and I met. She seemed to decide she liked me right before her son and I divorced, lol.

 

I'm sure if I ever acquire a new MIL, she's going to be great. :)

 

Rosie

[Mom in High Heels]

I won't have this problem as my boys would never ever leave me for another woman. Bwahahahahahaha!

[jackson'smama]

i have kinda the exact opposite problem of most, it seems. i don't have an "in-your-business" kind of mil. i am happy about that, but it's more to the extreme oppposite of almost "casual". like i could have the exact same conversations with the check-out lady that i have with her. her and dh are kinda the same way, from my observations.

my biggest issue: don't constantly say "when are you coming to see us?" and never make an effort to do so yourself.

i have sworn multiple times - i don't care where my kids end up living, i WILL go visit them on a regular basis (esp when they have their own children) and i will live my life in a way such that they will WANT me to come visit them.

 

but i also kinda like mom in high heels plan as well!

[MamaT]

Easy. Read all my posts on my MIL and do the opposite :D

 

In all seriousness, respect your future DIL/SIL. Don't interfere with their child-rearing. Stay out of any arguments between the DIL/SIL and your child. Don't make snide remarks and insult them. Try to love them like you love your own child and foster a relationship with them. Respect your child's new family apart from yours. I think that's one of the biggies with my MIL -- she has a difficult time seeing that her son is still part of her family, but he also has his own little family that has to come first. Another biggie -- no unsolicited advice. Your kids/their spouses will ask for and listen to advice more often if you only give it when asked.

 

I have 2 dils, and this pretty much sums up my take on it. I am close to both of them. I would add one thing. I told my sons when they married that if their wife and I got into a spat about ANYTHING, they were to take her side no matter who they believed was in the right. It is their job to stand with her, not me. So far, they haven't had to use this advice. :001_smile: