Your best "pass the bean dips" please?

[saw]

We're off to the States next week to visit (yay) my in-laws (and not just MIL/FIL, but MIL/FIL, BILs and families, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). All gathered together in one city. Many of them are quite narcissistic and have serious boundary issues. I therefore avoid them as much as possible, but am now being forced to spend nearly two weeks with them. They also have a fair number of school teachers among them, no homeschoolers, and, the last time we skyped, BIL (in his 30s, living at home, studying to be a teacher, so he now knows everything better than anyone) started quizzing my kids about what they were doing in math, what parts they liked, what level they were on, etc. MIL does that too, and tries to work out what grade the kids would be in.

 

So I need your best pass-the-beandip responses that I can practice beforehand and help me keep my cool. Also for the kids, who really hate this sort of thing and tend to clam up and seem a bit rude. DH won't help with this; he will, if anything, encourage his family in overstepping boundaries. Don't ask.

 

Please someone help out? I'm already feeling physically ill about these two weeks (plus there are other serious family issues going on that my MIL/FIL will undoubtedly try to confront us with/interven/mediate). Please? I'll print it all out and keep the responses with me!

[garddwr]

How about "We don't talk about school in the summer, it's vacation time!"?

[athena1277]

For you: "Only their teacher can give them quizzes"

 

For the kids: "I only take quizzes from my teacher"

or "I dunno" repeated over and over. Sure to make the relatives crazy! ;)

[Plink]

"Why do you ask?" usually stops nosey people cold. They are forced to examine their motives.

[Annie]

"Why do you ask?" usually stops nosey people cold. They are forced to examine their motives.

 

:iagree:

 

My favorite response to inappropriate questions.

[Lily_Grace]

"Why do you ask?"

 

"Hmmm...that's a response I don't have time for right now. Would you like to schedule a conference?"

 

"I'm so glad you're interested! Here's some pictures of things we've done this year."

 

"Oh, I'm writing about that in the Christmas newsletter. Just wait until you see it!"

 

"I'm afraid that would violate our confidentiality agreement."

 

"Isn't it wonderful they can develop at their own pace?"

 

"You've expressed an interest several times now. You know, if you want to know more I'd be glad to point you to some other research. Just let me know."

[myfunnybunch]

"Oh look! A bird!"

 

Heh.

 

Seriously, it depends so much on family culture. In my family, grade level and what we're studying would be normal parts of family discussion because it's fun to talk about. But the key is that no one feels "quizzed" because it's motivated by genuine interest. If I had a BIL who enjoyed talking mathematics with the kids, we'd probably bring some of the Basher books to look at together, or a math game/puzzle book like Marilyn Burns' Math for Smarty Pants and I Hate Mathematics. It allows family to take an interest without quizzing. But that would go over well with my family, and we'd probably spend a good amount of time all looking at the books together.

 

I think I'd teach the kids some polite or funny responses that direct the adults back to you:

 

":) Mom says we don't have to talk about school on vacation! Our brains need a break so we can be fresh when school starts."

or

"Mom says no school/math during vacation. We can let our brains leak out our ears if we want! Ha ha."

or

"You must like teaching math, Uncle. Mom says we don't have to do math during our vacation. I think I'll go <insert activity here>."

 

And from you, a polite, "Why do you ask?" should do the trick. They'll either clam up or they'll tell you what they really want to know, which can help you figure out whether to answer their questions or speak up and say you're comfortable with your decisions and don't wish to discuss them.

 

Cat

[Denisemomof4]

For you: "Only their teacher can give them quizzes"

 

For the kids: "I only take quizzes from my teacher"

 

PERFECT!!! And if they want to DISCUSS school outside your presence, have the kids say, "Please talk to my teacher. I hate to discuss school on vacation!". And you can say, "I don't want to think about school while I am on break!"

[Rebel Yell]

Make sure your kids know how to respond. "No thanks- I'm on break right now." If they're older and really brave: "Why? Don't you know what 4x4 is?"

 

If you really want to have fun with them, pretend every question is something else. Examples:

"Aren't you worried about socialization?"

"Thank you! It's her favorite song."

 

When are you going to put them in school?

Oh sure! Do you want cream & sugar?

 

But mostly, just stand up, say thank you, and go get a snack.

 

Most important: do not argue or explain- you don't have to change their mind, enlighten them, or even get their approval.

 

Good luck! :grouphug:

[Trilliums]

We're off to the States next week to visit (yay) my in-laws (and not just MIL/FIL, but MIL/FIL, BILs and families, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). All gathered together in one city. Many of them are quite narcissistic and have serious boundary issues. I therefore avoid them as much as possible, but am now being forced to spend nearly two weeks with them. They also have a fair number of school teachers among them, no homeschoolers, and, the last time we skyped, BIL (in his 30s, living at home, studying to be a teacher, so he now knows everything better than anyone) started quizzing my kids about what they were doing in math, what parts they liked, what level they were on, etc. MIL does that too, and tries to work out what grade the kids would be in.

 

So I need your best pass-the-beandip responses that I can practice beforehand and help me keep my cool. Also for the kids, who really hate this sort of thing and tend to clam up and seem a bit rude. DH won't help with this; he will, if anything, encourage his family in overstepping boundaries. Don't ask.

 

Please someone help out? I'm already feeling physically ill about these two weeks (plus there are other serious family issues going on that my MIL/FIL will undoubtedly try to confront us with/interven/mediate). Please? I'll print it all out and keep the responses with me!

 

 

I understand about the relatives pushing boundaries, but these kinds of questions (in bold) seem like a genuine interest in your family activities to me. Now, the quizzing of multiplication facts is a different matter though. You could take an alternative approach. Have each kid pick out a few projects to bring along and show to relatives. Pick things your kids would be proud showing off to family. If they were is ps you might be sending little nots to in laws about the kids' spelling test scores etc. Your relatives may want to be a part of their education but be at a loss of how to do do in a way that doesn't seem to be stepping on your toes.

 

I also have in laws who are teachers and all of them regard homeschooling as fringe element and actually they have always been skeptical of my parenting because I didn't spank our kids. Anyways..... Our last visit we took along projects the kds were working on. They were making a table top role playing game and had maps, characters and mechanics for point scoring, etc (admittedly not terribly academic, but interesting nonetheless). We ends up learning that their uncle (married to a ps teacher) was a huge board gamer. They played a few games together and had a great time.

 

:grouphug: I hope it goes well.

[ThelmaLou]

One of my most used lines, "Homeschooling definitely isn't for everyone, but so far, it's been a great fit for our family." Then change the subject, or ask why they chose public/private school for their kids.

 

Or something tongue-in-cheeck or comical for other questions, "We don't believe in socialization.":)

 

My husband once had an job interview during the day, so went to his current-at-the-time job slightly more dressed up than normal and was going to his new job interview straight from his current job. Someone at work asked him, "Why are you all dressed up?" My husband answered with a sly grin, "I"ve got a job intervew" They laughed, because they didn't believe him. No one would be dumb enough to tell folks at their current job that they were trying to interview somewhere else, right? His blatant honesty was seen as a joke, and he was off the hook. I've used this approach for homeschooling conversations before.

[Lisa in Jax]

"Why do you ask?" usually stops nosey people cold. They are forced to examine their motives.

 

^ This. If the person is introspective enough to question his motives, he'll stop. If he isn't, he'll often/usually start explaining. At the end of his explanation, you may be able to distract him from the original question.

 

For example, "How can you teach your children? You're not a teacher."

 

You say, "What makes you ask?"

 

He launches into an explanation, "Well, you're not a teacher, and they need teachers....blah blah blah. You should yadda yadda. They can't be learning etc., etc."

 

When he winds down, you say s/th like, "Huh. Interesting." Then you change the subject.

 

Use "What makes you ask that?" with questions; try "I'll think about that," for "orders" ("You need to..."/"You should..."). When you say you'll think about it, they think you will (of course) agree with them once you've had time to think about it. It also allows you to put off responding. "I need some time to think about that. Thanks for your concern," can put off a lot of uncomfortable discussions.

 

Use both for best effect. :)

 

HIH,

 

Lisa

[Lara in Colo]

Honestly, I talk and talk and talk..... until their eyes glaze over and they will pay me to shut up.

 

I talk about latin and how it is an organized language and helps them to think in a logical manner and helps in future vocabulary lessons (since 60 percent of English is latin based you know) and since latin is the base language of the Romance languages, they should be able to switch to Spanish/French/Italian easily in high school--Oh I found this great curriculum that blends the history of latin and Rome with teaching the language WOW what an easy transition to history everyday and the Grammar program we have teaches latin based vocabulary AND the history behind the the words WHAT FUN, We all love latin class hey DS, come here and ask grandma her name in latin, and how she is feeling today... What grandma? you don't need to here that?

 

Wait til I tell you about the writing program we just bought.................

 

 

Lara

[Lara in Colo]

Look at how well that works!!!

I killed a thread too!

Lara

[SKL]

I don't have to worry about this. My kids were born knowing what to do.

 

Stare stupidly in the general direction of the questioner.

 

Extra points for drooling while mouth hangs open.

 

Actually, I kinda wish they'd mix it up a bit.

 

 

 

Sorry, that wasn't helpful at all!

 

How about, for the kids, "next time I'll bring my portfolio. Meanwhile, do you guys have any Legos?"

 

Or the ever useful, "c-could you point me toward the restroom?"

 

For you: "oh, you're looking into homeschooling too? I can email you some useful links after I get home. Hey honey, are you doing the potty dance?"

[Lisa in Jax]

Look at how well that works!!!

I killed a thread too!

Lara

 

LOL. Nope! ;-)

[Tammyla]

"All tests and quizzes must be subitted in writing."

 

"You're so funny!":lol:

 

"You're so transparent!"

 

"Why do you ask?"

 

Teach you kids to sing the Pink Floyd song..."Hey teacher, leave those kids alone.";)

 

I'm all for keeping it light and not making a fuss, but for those pushy, will not stop for nothing people...They get a MYOB!

[justLisa]

I don't have to worry about this. My kids were born knowing what to do.

 

Stare stupidly in the general direction of the questioner.

 

Extra points for drooling while mouth hangs open.

 

Actually, I kinda wish they'd mix it up a bit.

 

 

 

Sorry, that wasn't helpful at all!

 

How about, for the kids, "next time I'll bring my portfolio. Meanwhile, do you guys have any Legos?"

 

Or the ever useful, "c-could you point me toward the restroom?"

 

For you: "oh, you're looking into homeschooling too? I can email you some useful links after I get home. Hey honey, are you doing the potty dance?"

 

:lol:

 

I have never said anything to my kids about how to respond because I never really thought it was necessary. But then I started to notice the older they got. One time, and I don't remember exactly which adult it was ....asked a few random questions to DS, then some kind of math calculation and he said: "Why are you asking me? Do you want to know, or do you just want to know if I know? Because I would think every adult would know how to do that." Geez I've never been so proud and embarrassed all in one :lol:

 

He is very literal like DH and said this with no offensive tone, it was just too funny. I mean, what are you going to say to that?!

[Alte Veste Academy]

Honestly, I talk and talk and talk..... until their eyes glaze over and they will pay me to shut up.

 

I talk about latin and how it is an organized language and helps them to think in a logical manner and helps in future vocabulary lessons (since 60 percent of English is latin based you know) and since latin is the base language of the Romance languages, they should be able to switch to Spanish/French/Italian easily in high school--Oh I found this great curriculum that blends the history of latin and Rome with teaching the language WOW what an easy transition to history everyday and the Grammar program we have teaches latin based vocabulary AND the history behind the the words WHAT FUN, We all love latin class hey DS, come here and ask grandma her name in latin, and how she is feeling today... What grandma? you don't need to here that?

 

Wait til I tell you about the writing program we just bought.................

 

 

Lara

 

This is me too! And no one is interested in the details. No one!!

 

For the truly obnoxious, I like, "That's a funny place to put a piano!" while gazing over the rudey-patootie's shoulder. But I like my bean dip spicy. ;)

[laundrycrisis]

We're off to the States next week to visit (yay) my in-laws (and not just MIL/FIL, but MIL/FIL, BILs and families, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). All gathered together in one city. Many of them are quite narcissistic and have serious boundary issues. I therefore avoid them as much as possible, but am now being forced to spend nearly two weeks with them. They also have a fair number of school teachers among them, no homeschoolers, and, the last time we skyped, BIL (in his 30s, living at home, studying to be a teacher, so he now knows everything better than anyone) started quizzing my kids about what they were doing in math, what parts they liked, what level they were on, etc. MIL does that too, and tries to work out what grade the kids would be in.

 

With these type of people, even if they are family, I am way past caring about sparing their feelings at all. I just want to shut the conversation down as efficiently as possible. What is effective for me is to basically say, "You are entitled to your opinion, but we are happy with what we are doing and we aren't going to change it." Boom, done.

 

I like my bean dip to come with a cinderblock tied to it. :D

[saw]

Thanks! I'm going to collect these and keep them around for when the interrogation starts. I think I may load up the Pink Floyd Hey teacher leave those kids alone onto everyone's iPods and instruct the kids to play that whenever they get a nosy question!

 

To respond to the question about why not just share the info with them, it's because these people have serious issues with boundaries. I've tried sharing in the past and have always regretted it, because it seems to invite an avalanche of unwarranted interference (to the point that when I homeschooled ds for a term, I was told, well, Aunt J will be delighted to teach him-- (instead of my teaching him-- because she's a teacher for kids that age ...).

 

Off to find my Pink Floyd now ....

[applethyme]

Not just for homeschooling but as a general thing for annoying people I use "how very pleasant for you" with a syrupy smile. It really is a conversation stopper.

[Remudamom]

We don't have many Pass the Bean Dip moments with my family, but I could get away with "Mind your own d@mn business!" and they would all just laugh and move on.

[kewb]

4 years later I don't have to many of those moments but I usually just smile, nod, say "thank you for your concern. Please pass the bean dip." When they look at me with a blank stare since there is no food around I smile, nod, and say "I know, I am changing the subject." If they still can't take the hint I point blank tell them that the subject is not open for discussion and walk away.

 

My in-laws and I discuss the weather.

[Joanne]

A thread about bean dip should have at least one link to the original and name sake.

 

Just saying.

 

http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=28

[Jean in Newcastle]

If possible I would try to suggest as many field trips and outside activities where you are too busy to talk or can direct the conversation to what you are looking at. Even if you are at someone's home, be outside playing catch with the kids or playing frisbee. Go to see a lot of movies. If someone tries to quiz them, they will be shushed!

[Angie in VA]

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

 

I haven't read all the responses yet, so apologies to those I may have copied.

[Twigs]

A thread about bean dip should have at least one link to the original and name sake.

 

Just saying.

 

http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=28

 

:iagree:

[Erica in OR]

A bit tongue-in-cheek, but this thread made me think of Willy Wonka's answers when he wanted to "bean dip" a question:

 

I'm a trifle deaf in this ear. Speak a little louder next time.

 

I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing.

 

If you have any problems, dial information, thank you for calling.

 

:tongue_smilie:

 

Erica in OR

[nrg]

Bring a few fabulous work samples and have your children refer their inquisitor to you. Whip out those samples and start talking about how fabulous everything is...

[Lori D.]

A bit tongue-in-cheek, but this thread made me think of Willy Wonka's answers when he wanted to "bean dip" a question:

 

And "Could you open your mouth a little WIDER when you speak..." :tongue_smilie:

[Remudamom]

A bit tongue-in-cheek, but this thread made me think of Willy Wonka's answers when he wanted to "bean dip" a question:

 

I'm a trifle deaf in this ear. Speak a little louder next time.

 

I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing.

 

If you have any problems, dial information, thank you for calling.

 

:tongue_smilie:

 

Erica in OR

 

''MUMBLING!" (movie version)

[Forget-Me-Not]

One time, and I don't remember exactly which adult it was ....asked a few random questions to DS, then some kind of math calculation and he said: "Why are you asking me? Do you want to know, or do you just want to know if I know? Because I would think every adult would know how to do that." Geez I've never been so proud and embarrassed all in one :lol:

 

He is very literal like DH and said this with no offensive tone, it was just too funny. I mean, what are you going to say to that?!

 

That is hilarious! :lol::lol::lol:

 

A lot of times I find the "Why do you homeschool?" question is best vaguely answered with a, "Oh, it's just a really good fit for our family. We love it!" Said with a big smile, it conveys that I'm happy and confident in my choice and I've found that really discourages any further criticism.

 

As for the quizzing the kids. . . for me it depends on the spirit of the circumstances. My parents do this to my kids, but I also know they do it to ALL the grandkids regardless of how they're schooled, and they did it to us kids growing up. It was part of the dinner conversation, KWIM? They're not doing it to check up on my job as a homeschooler. If I had a sense someone was doing it for that reason, I'd put a stop to it.

[sewingmama]

I have one teacher lady who is always asking if my DD is "at least on grade level". I just smile and say "Oh she is doing great"

 

I just let people quiz my kids - my kids LOVE to tell adults what they are learning and what they know ;) For the next half hour the adult is struggling to get away while my DD follows them all around chatting and chatting and chatting -they never ask her again :lol:

 

My DS goes to the same public kindy as my DD went to last year so all the teachers know her and that we homeschool. One of the teachers there is always asking her "What did you learn today, did you learn this yet? Well I know you know X because we taught it to you at kindy" :glare:

 

Well we had a parent night at the kindy and this teacher was chatting to DD and asked her again "So what is your mum teaching you" Well DD is immersed in learning about China right now (her own interest) so the teacher got a blow by blow account of every fact about China anyone could ever possibly want to know. And then the teacher volunteered a bit of information about the Great Wall of China and DD said "Oh no -that's a myth that many people think is true but isn't - the real story is ..." and went on for another 5 minutes :lol:

 

Of course then the teacher comes over to me and says "Wow it does look like she is learning something at least":glare:

 

Then she said "Are you sure she is getting out enough to learn how to socialise" :001_huh: And all I could think was - you just spent 30 minutes chatting to a 6 year old about the intracacies of a foreign country while all around me I see kids who go to your kindy class who are hanging onto their parents, throwing glue at each other and refusing to answer when you ask them a question - I think she's pretty socialised.

 

"Of course I just smiled and said "Yes we are getting out" (I mean we are here at the parent night are we not):glare::lol:

 

Anyway my favourite bean dip replies are

 

"Yes she is doing great"

 

"Yes she is exceeding my expectations"

[Lisbeth]

Couldn't you just NOT visit them? Where is the positive for you or your children? I know that's not what you asked but ....just sayin'. I would start quoting back all of tge awful publuc school stats and quizzing their subject matter knowledge. But I am a terrible examplke perhapbecause I throw crap back at people until they are sorry they brought it up.

 

Sorry for the typos. My phone is a mess on this forum.

[Shawneinfl]

"We're taking it one year at a time" is always a good answer.

[tex-mex]

How about "We don't talk about school in the summer, it's vacation time!"?

:iagree:

 

Just be blunt with everyone and insist that is the ground rule. I'm sure many of them will comply. Ignore the others who persist and cue the kiddos to repeat your rule to them... when they hear the kids tell them the rules, they will shut up real quick. ;)

[elfgivas]

i would plan a nature walk every single day. you and the dc get to go outside and walk. and be peace-full. they can come back and draw what they saw or write poetry or journal or do nothing at all. but for one hour once a day, you'd be alone with your dc and it would be peaceful.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[kalanamak]

I'm training my son to say "I like it". What are doing in school these days? "I like it." Do you like math? "I like it."

 

The best retort on the "how will your child learn to deal with difficult people" question I learned here: Obviously you don't know my husband very well.

[Heather in Neverland]

I have a few obnoxious relatives that bugged us a lot about homeschooling when we first started. The response that finally shut them up?

 

"Let's play a game called Mind Your Own Business. You can go first!"

[Rebel Yell]

I'm training my son to say "I like it". What are doing in school these days? "I like it." Do you like math? "I like it."

 

The best retort on the "how will your child learn to deal with difficult people" question I learned here: Obviously you don't know my husband very well.

 

I got the most hilarious response based on your post:

 

"I'm training my son to say "I like it". What are doing in school these days? "I like it." Do you like math? "I like it.""

 

"how will your child learn to deal with difficult people" Oh that's easy! They just reply "I like it" to everything they ask." :lol: