Is my DD, age 12, the victim of a strict mother?

[RoughCollie]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

3. A computer in her bedroom

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

 

 

My daughter thinks she does not have these things because I am too strict. Everyone else her age and younger has these things. Plus, I am not spoiling her like I should be doing.

 

I told her I'd post this here so we can find out how wonderful other kids have it compared to my DD.

 

Thanks for your responses.

 

RC

[Only me]

My 13 year old dd has a cell phone but she just got it last week and it was handed down from her 16 year old sister. It is a pay as you go phone and she only has it for emergencies or to call me to pick her up, etc. not for calling friends.

 

She has a small TV in her room but only because her grandparents were going to throw theirs away.

 

I would answer no to the rest of the questions.

[Brindee]

My dd is 11, but since you mentioned "younger"......

 

1. Her own cell phone No

2. A t.v. in her bedroom No

3. A computer in her bedroom No

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color No

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) No....dd has no holes

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall No....we get most of our clothes at Walmart or Thrift Stores

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) No...she doesn't even wear makeup yet

 

Now THAT should help your dd feel better! :D

[Danestress]

But no child of either gender gets tvs or computers in bedrooms at 13 or 15 or 17 years of age. No way.

 

And I would not allow a child that age to have a cell phone, though I would probably have an extra "kid cell phone that she could take if she is off somewhere. But it would be *my* phone.

 

However, I would let her dye her hair any color that actual hair actually grows. And I would let her have a lot of say in how she dresses (with me retaining veto power over the immodest). And I would let her wear makeup.

[Amy in Orlando]

I only have sons, but I don't think you're daughter has it too rough.

 

My 15 year old just got a cell phone - we paid for the phone, he pays for his minutes. No tv's in any bedrooms here. They can buy clothes at the mall if they choose, but they work with my budget and pay the difference themselves. (Mostly, they never shop at the mall.)

 

Can't help you on the makeup, haircolor, piercings, except through my own personal experience. I was not allowed make up (beyond brown mascara an a little blush in the winter - I was very fair) until I was 16. No piercings at all and I regret putting three holes in one ear and two in another the day I turned 18. I'm 43 now, don't feel the need to wear 5 earrings, yet still have the holes in my ears. 8(

[HollyinNNV]

The only thing my dd has is a computer in her room. But, it is an apple and we have set strict controls on it. In fact, it will not turn on after a certain hour at night.

Holly

(She is 14.)

[Pamela H in Texas]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone dd got hers at 15; she pays for it

 

2. A t.v. in her bedroom will not happen while under 18

 

3. A computer in her bedroom will not happen while under 18

 

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color no, but I would allow IF she raised the money to have it colored AND fixed if it was hideous, disliked, inappropriate, etc..btw, I also think it has to be done (and undone) professionally....AND, my dd says not under 16.

 

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) I would consider a 2nd. I consider this one of those few things not worth worrying about. She'd be responsible for paying, keeping it clean, any additional costs associated, etc.

 

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall My dd is more conservative than me so I have no issue there. I did limit my ds to only ONE teeshirt that showed any sort of attitude. Basically, I would make very few limits as necessary and of course have veto power.

 

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) another thing I would allow conservatively with veto power, but another non-issue here because my dd is more conservative than I am even.

 

I would be careful not to draw too many lines in the sand to encourage rebelliousness. Most things can have a nice compromise. Also, a lot of things are non-issues if our answer is yes (for example, my daughter wanted make-up at one time but has to be coerced to use a little nowadays). Giving your daughter SOME control will help her feel in control of her own life so she doesn't feel she has to fight for it now or in the future. She's also very likely not going to go "hog wild" with anything if you maintain a friendly, open, discussion-oriented relationship.

[abbeyej]

Roflol... Oh, your poor, desperately deprived daughter! You do indeed sound terribly harsh and unloving (cough, choke, splutter). ;)

 

Okay, now that I can breathe again...

 

I don't have a teen or near-teen child yet. So maybe I should just shush. But here are my thoughts on the future, for my own little rapscallions:

 

1. Her own cell phone -

I can see this for a child who spends *many* hours a week working on a competitive sport, doing professional theater, many hours a week at dance, etc... Useful for calling Mom, Dad or Grandma with changes in schedule, coordinating pick-ups, etc. Otherwise, no. And there would be pretty firm rules about when/if ever the phone could be used for calling *anyone* else.

2. A t.v. in her bedroom -

No way, no how, never happening while my kids live at home. Did I mention "never"? lol... We may have eleven game consoles (dh's research) hooked up to our tv, but there's only one tv in the house. Only. Ever.

3. A computer in her bedroom -

Wellll... I can see the argument for this one, or for a laptop, for a teenager to be doing school work. Assuming it's economically feasible for the family, and there are reasonable, firm guidelines in place for its use. But I also think having a centrally available computer for family use is perfectly reasonable.

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color -

Probably not an issue I'd choose to make a huge deal. I'd encourage restraint and lots of discussion, but I wouldn't necessarily forbid hair dye. For one thing, it's pretty easy to remedy. ;)

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) -

Um. I would discourage it. But I guess I'd put it relatively low on my list of battle-priorities. But I would really try to encourage *her* to make the choice not to do this till older... It can't be undone like hair dye, but I also don't see it as a moral evil or necessarily corrupting. But yeah, I would discourage it pretty strongly (and more strongly at 12-13 than I would at 16-17).

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall -

With my input and based on an agreed-upon budget? Sure. No problem. But I retain the right to discourage and even absolutely veto clothing for children -- on the basis of mere taste, if I'm paying, and on the basis of decency at least if I'm not.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) -

Well, I like what one other woman here said her mom made the rule when she was young. "You may wear make-up as long as I can't tell." So it has to be subtle. Seems like good practice to me -- they get to use make-up, but they mayn't look like a clown or a working girl or even like a poorly made-up teenager.

[Plucky]

My dd is only 11 but she has a lot of older friends. No, they don't have that stuff yet.

[Parrothead]

My dd is still a bit young for some of these, but I'll give you my thoughts anyway.

 

1. Her own cell phone Not until she has a job that can pay the bill.

2. A t.v. in her bedroom Not in my house at any age

3. A computer in her bedroom Not in my house at any age

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color Dyed no, possibly lightened or maybe highlights. But not until 16.

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) Not before 16. No more than two if I'm paying for it.

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall If I'm paying for it I've got final say so over what comes from the mall. If all I can afford at the time is Wal-mart, that is what she is getting.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) No make up before 14 years old. Only lip gloss and light eye makeup before 16.

[nutmeg]

1. nope

2. nope

3. nope

4. nope

5. nope

6. nope

7. nope

 

Edited to add: The only one of these dd has ever asked for is the cell phone.

[amy g.]

My 14 year old doesn't have any of those things.

 

I'll probably get her a cell phone because she is about to start volunteering at a therapeutic riding facility. I'd feel better if she could get in touch with me.

 

I might move her computer into her room, so I can have more space to cook in my kitchen, but she would never ask for either of those things.

 

They would be for me, not her.

[kat19]

1. Her own cell phone~No Way~would love to have one, but nope

2. A t.v. in her bedroom~a small one(13 inch) to watch VHS movies on, that's about it and it's old, someone gave it to us

3. A computer in her bedroom~No Way

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color~Nope

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)~No earrings at all

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall~no way, the clothes at the mall could fit a doll

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)~ got a kit with eyeshadow and stuff in it at Christmas but mainly wears the lip gloss(not big into makeup)

 

I'm not ready for her to grow up yet, but I know it's gotta happen

[WTMindy]

My dd is 11, but since you mentioned "younger"......

 

1. Her own cell phone No

2. A t.v. in her bedroom No

3. A computer in her bedroom No

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color No

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) No....dd has no holes

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall No....we get most of our clothes at Walmart or Thrift Stores

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) No...she doesn't even wear makeup yet

 

Now THAT should help your dd feel better! :D

 

LOL! My dd is also 11 and I would answer the questions exactly like Brindee!!

[PiCO]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

Here's the answers for my dd when she was 12/13-

 

1. Her own cell phone yes- free due to an upgrade on my phone. Nothing fancy.

2. A t.v. in her bedroom- my kids will never have a computer with internet access or a TV in their rooms. She will be allowed to use a computer in her room for homework when she is in high school (this fall.)

3. A computer in her bedroom- oops- answered that already

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color- yes, dyed red at home. I did it for her. Really looked great, but ruined her hair. We dyed it back to her natural color, and had most of it cut off this year.

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)- I decided the limit was 2 holes per ear. She has to wait until 18 for anything else (So far she only wants more ear holes.) She had to wait until she was 10 for the first hole, and 13 for the second.

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall- not until she was 14.5 and earning her own money. Funny thing- she learned to shop sales when it was her money.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)- I allowed this around the house for practice (you know, with friends over playing dress-up), but not in public until she was 14. I must admit, she does a pretty good job with the make-up- although it's more than I would put on her.

 

I say you're doing a great job, mom- no sense spoiling them! I think your dd will appreciate things more having to wait.

[Brindee]

Ooops, sorry!!!

[AuntieM]

My dd is 11 1/2, but I can say no to all of the items (except makeup, if you count theatrical makeup used only for CYT performances). Can't see her getting anything converted to the yes column within the next year. I don't think she feels deprived, though, her friends and cousins do not have these types of perks, either.

[MommyX8]

My 15 yodd:

 

1. Her own cell phone YES

 

2. A t.v. in her bedroom : NO

 

3. A computer in her bedroom : NO

 

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color : NO She had her hair professionally highlighted, but didn't like it and had her hair dyed back to her natural color.

 

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) : NO, she just got permission to get the first (and only) holes on her 13th birthday.

 

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall : Not from the mall, but her choosing. She is very modest and appropriate clothing is so hard to find.

 

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) : YES, but she just got make-up last year. She prefers a bit of mineral make-up, and maybe clear lip gloss. A touch of mascara for going out.

[Joanne]

I've got a 13 year old boy and a going on 12 year old girl:

 

 

1. Her own cell phone - My 13 yo, yes. 11 yo, no.

2. A t.v. in her bedroom - The baby (9) has a tv "set" in his room, he's the only and it's only for the game system.

3. A computer in her bedroom - None of the kids do

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color - No dye; but I'd allow fun, temporary dye of any color

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) - 1 per ear; I'd allow more mid teens

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall - We can't afford the mall. We allow her to choose, and we have (and exercise) veto power

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) - She could, with supervision, but doesn't often.

[Mabelen]

Answers for my 11 (almost 12 yo dd)

 

1. Her own cell phone: NO. She will get one when she needs one.

 

2. A t.v. in her bedroom: NO. When she gets her own place.

 

3. A computer in her bedroom: YES (no Internet, and strict rules about usage. It was installed mainly so that she could do typing training, and she is allowed certain educational games. For anything else, she has to use the one in the family room.)

 

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color: NO. She is not into that kind of thing right now. I would discourage due to the damage dye inflicts on hair. Not specifically opposed to it but not this young. We'll cross that bridge if and when we get there.

 

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear): NO. I would rather she didn't, and I doubt she would consider it but it would be a subject open to discussion.

 

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall: NO. Again she knows she will get the basics, and if she deems other extras necessary, she will have to cough up the money for them. Clothes will have to be age appropriate.

 

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss): NO. Subtle make up on special occasions would be OK but not until she is reaching her middle to late teens.

[Unicorn.]

Well, my dd's are not that old yet, but I can answer for the future. 1. No. When they get a job, they can have one. 2. No. I love my children more than parents who let their kids have one in their room. I don't want to get rid of my children like they do! 3. see #2 4. No, absolutely not, over my dead body! 5. see # 4 (I will allow 1 hole per ear after age 13) 6. Yes, but they have been pre-approved by me (so not really) 7. see # 4

Does that help? :0) Tell your dd she will thank you later!

[Perry]

My oldest dd just turned 14.

 

 

1. Her own cell phone Got her first cell phone this past Christmas. No texting though

2. A t.v. in her bedroom No

3. A computer in her bedroom She uses the laptop in her room on occasion. I have the right to remove it whenever I want.

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color No

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) One hole per ear

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall Yes, but she makes good choices. I have ultimate veto power, but rarely need to use it.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) As long as it's modest and inconspicuous I don't have a problem with it.

 

 

I really did not want to cave on the cell phone, but since we've allowed it I've actually found it to be a relief. The girls are at the dance studio almost every day, and we do a fair amount of traveling. I'm much more comfortable knowing that we can reach each other easily.

[Jen in NY]

I'll play. My dd turned 13 this May.

 

1. Her own cell phone My kids have a cell that they share... granted dd#1 ends up with it most days because she's the one going places, but it's mosty for emergencies and does not have TEXTing!!

 

2. A t.v. in her bedroom Not now, not until she graduates from HS

 

3. A computer in her bedroom Again, no.

 

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color Hmmm... no. Seeing a pattern here?

 

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) Nope.

 

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall Mom has veto power over the clothes.

 

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) Er, no. Mom doesn't even wear makeup in this house.

 

Hope this helps with your research. I'm dying on those same hills here sometimes, but I've still got some fight left in me!

[gardenschooler]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

Mine are a little older than that (almost 14 and 16+), but they don't have the same things. At almost 13, mine had none of this, except the tv. We only allow that because we have one small living room and no den/extra room. We tend to do things at the same time, so for most of this, dd#1 had to wait until she was 15-16. Dd#2 is just lucky. :)

 

1. Her own cell phone dd13 - yes dd16 - lost it last March, no replacement

2. A t.v. in her bedroom yes, they share a room, and we have a small house

3. A computer in her bedroom nope, not buying them one, either

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color dd13 -yes, paid for it herself; dd16 - birthday present, won't get it again without her own $$

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) dd13 - none; dd16 - yes, lots of holes in her head (again, 16th birthday present)

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall Only if they can pay for it

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) Only if they can pay for it

[Laurie4b]

I have boys:

 

Ds got cell at age 15. He pays for it. It is very handy for keeping track of him at that age.

TV in room--no

Dyed hair--I'd allow highlighting for ds 13 & 15, but not 11. I'm not sure if I'd make a big issue of it if any of them wanted to dye it, though. However, I don't think I'd allow dying at age 12. Older--like 14-15 probably.

Ear piercing-- I'd say yes to piercing, but not to those earrings that leave giant holes in the ears

Clothes of their selection in the mall ds 13 & 15 --yes and no. I buy a minimum amt. of clothing for them --a couple outfits per season. I buy on sale only. They pick them out, though I would have veto power (use it rarely.) They buy the rest of their clothes themselves. For boys' athletic shoes, which are crazy-expensive, I pay $40 and they pay the rest.

Make-up: NA!

[Jenny in Florida]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

3. A computer in her bedroom

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

 

 

My daughter turned 13 last December. She has had a cell phone (because she was often away from us and needed to be able to communicate, not for chatting with friends) since she was about 10.

 

She has never had either a TV or computer in her room at home. She does have a laptop that goes with her to her college dorm room, but that's kind of different.

 

She just got her ears pierced for the first time this summer. One hole per ear.

 

She does get more or less the clothing of her selection, as long as it is within a reasonable budget. But that's probably because I have no problem with what she chooses. She is pretty modest all on her own and wears mostly pretty plain vanilla jeans and t-shirts, with occasional skirts for variety. We shop for her mostly at Target and pretty fuddy-duddy department stores like Penny's, ordering something now and then from Lands End when we can't find what we want locally.

 

She has make-up, but wears it only when she is on-stage. She actually hates the feeling of it on her skin.

 

She has recently expressed an interest in having her hair dyed, and I'm considering allowing it. She inherited from me a really boring, neither-here-nor-there kind of natural color, and she's not happy with it. So, she is considering having it dyed a slightly darker but natural-looking shade of brown. Since I'm finally feeling like getting my grey covered, we may make this a mother-daughter salon trip before she heads back to school this fall.

 

I guess I might not be all that helpful, huh? Honestly, the only reason my daughter gets as much of this kind of thing as she does is because she rarely pushes our limits. She's actually pretty unconcerned with all of it, doesn't take any of it very seriously and seems to have pretty good judgement. So, we take one thing at a time and try not to stress over it.

[tibbyl]

Answers for the younger daughter at home:

 

1. Her own cell phone We shared one for awhile. I think that she got her own (primarily for our convenience for keeping in touch about pickup times etc) around 15. She is an avid texter, and this is way she keeps in constant contact with friends.

2. A t.v. in her bedroom Yes, a hand-me-down.

3. A computer in her bedroom No, but she has one in den.

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color Yes, she enjoys experimenting with both human and nonhuman hair colors. We don't get too excited about hair because it is a renewable resource.

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) Yes, we don't get too excited about holes in ears. At age 13, she had only one hole per ear. She got extra ear piercings and a tiny nose stud at age 15. They seem to be mostly reversible if jewelry left out long time. We call her the human pin cushion.

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall Yes within budget constraints that we set for her. She is very modest so she does not choose revealing clothing.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) Was not an issue b/c she was only interested in eyeshadow and gloss at that age. She was about 14 or 15 before she developed interested in other cosmetic items. There was a couple months there where she looked like she had applied makeup with a trowel but fortunately she switched to a more natural flattering look.

=======================================================

 

Answers for the older daughter at home:

 

1. Her own cell phone She was around 15, maybe 16, when she got her own cell phone. Again, it was primarily for our convenience for keeping in touch with her.

2. A t.v. in her bedroom Yes, a hand-me-down.

3. A computer in her bedroom Yes, but she was around 15 when she got her own computer to keep in her room.

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color Yes, she enjoyed experimenting with nonhuman hair colors on her bangs and ends of her hair. She has lovely natural ash blond hair but right now the bangs and tips are turquoise.

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) Yes, at age 17 she became fascinated with multiple ear piercings after dissing her younger sister's piercings. At age 13, she had only 1 hole in each ear lobe.

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall She is frugal and modest and has classic taste in clothing. Has been selecting her own clothing for so long that I cannot remember when she started doing so.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) She was not interested in any makeup whatsoever until about age 16, when she opted for lipgloss and the occasional eyeshadow. She has a lovely dewy even-toned complexion and really does not need or want to wear foundation.

=====================================================

[Ailaena]

DD just turned 13 a couple of weeks ago and

 

1. Her own cell phone No, there is no need for her to have one. However, she is the ONLY child we know from 9-18 that does not have a fully functional cell phone with unlimited texting.

2. A t.v. in her bedroom Absolutely not, I abhor TV and she would never ask for one.

3. A computer in her bedroom No, there is no need for it b/c she hardly spends time online, but nearly everyone else we know has given their child at least a laptop. In fact, my niece has had her own laptop (with completely unrestricted internet access) since she was 10.

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color No, but she does have 3 friends her age that do this all the time. Temporary dye would be fun, and I would let her, but she doesnt have any interest. I would worry it would ruin her hair if it were permanent.

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) No, she does not want any piercings, but I had 2 holes by 12:blushing:

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall Sort of, but she is a VERY modest dresser and is embarrassed to even wear shorts. Therefore, I am very, very lenient with all of her clothing purchases.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) She has no interest, but again, she is the ONLY one I know who is not wearing any makeup. This is probably because I do not wear any and she has sensitive skin anyways. Seriously, though, there are 2 girls at the gym who are going into 5th grade and just love to show up with all kinds of make up. Which the coaches make them remove immediately after making fun of them :lol:

 

 

 

I would not call your parenting strict, at all. Unfortunately, everyone we know calls mine strict, so who am I to judge?:D

 

DD has never complained about not having anything "like the other girls" because she likes being different most of the time. Well, that and she knows I would either ignore her or get angry and possibly make life just a little bit worse!

[sassenach]

1. Her own cell phone

 

No, but my 11yo is constantly lobbying for one. It's driving me nuts. All of her friends have cell phones. That's not an exaggeration. They ALL have them. I think she'll probably get one when she's 12.

 

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

 

No, and none of our kids ever will. That's a family rule.

 

3. A computer in her bedroom

 

No, our computers are all in public space. I can see buying her a laptop when she's a teenager.

 

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

 

No, but I would have no problem with it. Hair is one of those areas that I'm totally ok with doing fun things. Blue, Pink, blonde, red, green.....I don't really have an objection.

 

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

 

No, but she could if she wanted.

 

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

 

No. We have modesty rules on clothing. We also have spending limits. I have not really run into any objections from dd. It's pretty easy to find inexpensive, cute clothes.

 

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

 

Funny enough, hair dye doesn't bother me in the least, but makeup really does. I think at 13 I may allow her some colored lip gloss and compact powder (which does nothing, but somehow makes girls feel older). Maybe mascara.

[Tracey in TX]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone DCs 'check out' cell phone from us, much like a library book.

2. A t.v. in her bedroom no

3. A computer in her bedroommay borrow laptop and bring to room--with prior approval

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other coloropen for negotiation at 12y/o

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)open for negotiation

6. Clothes of her selection from the mallagain, open for discussion

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)some makeup at 10y/o

 

RC

 

These answers may not what you're anticipating. My persona motto is "Choose your battles" and DD is high maintenance. :D

I choose my battles carefully with her and offer her more freedoms that I might prefer in order to balance the scales for the non-negotiable issues.

[Ellie]

My dds are all grown up, and there weren't such things as cell phones when they were home. But no, they did NOT have t.v.s or computers in their rooms, hair that was bleached, or makeup. I don't think they had more than 1 pierce per ear. They might have had clothes of their choice from the mall, in the sense that we bought clothes from Sears or JCPenney, both of which were in malls, and I hope those clothes were their choice. However, they did not wear skanky clothing:eek: or really expensive clothing.

 

I must have been a mean mother, too:D

 

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone.

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

3. A computer in her bedroom

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

 

 

My daughter thinks she does not have these things because I am too strict. Everyone else her age and younger has these things. Plus, I am not spoiling her like I should be doing.

 

I told her I'd post this here so we can find out how wonderful other kids have it compared to my DD.

 

Thanks for your responses.

 

RC

[Rosie_0801]

1. Her own cell phone

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

3. A computer in her bedroom

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

 

 

Don't have a 13 year old daughter, but will one day!

There is not a chance in Hades she will have her own phone, a tv or a computer in her room. I would allow two earrings in each ear, but any more than that, and dyed hair would have to be negotiated very strenuously. I doubt I'd agree, but the possibility is there. Make up is for playing with, not wearing out, with the possible exception of the merest smear to be worn at family dos. I would allow nail polish though. She'll be allowed to select her own clothes, but Mamma will have power of veto.

[WTMCassandra]

Ummm, over my dead body!!!!

 

My DD is 11 1/2 and there is no way she will have any of those things at 13.

[Chris in CA]

h

[Annie N]

oes your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone

We just got one for ourselves, so ... no (Yeah, we seem to be the last adults on the planet to have gotten one, and we only got it because we are doing a lot of traveling in remote areas this summer)

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

No way! Ever!

3. A computer in her bedroom

One has an old computer for doing schoolwork on, no internet. that's allowed only where it is easily seen by others. But they do all have email accounts, but I get to look at it whenever I want.

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

I would actually not have a problem with this, but I dyed my hair when I was young and now it falls out easily, so I'd check.

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

I owuld not allow more than one per ear. And only for the girls.

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

Only with my veto, but I trust them to pick out good clothing. I try to veto only for modesty and reasonable taste and haven't had any problems.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I wouldn't allow an 11yo, or a 12yo to wear makeup unless there was a big reason for it—like some skin problem, or a very formal occasion (and then only a bit). In fact, my 16yo has never been interested, and maybe I'd allow it now.

 

However!!!! My children understand what the rules are in our family, and they also thoroughly understand the reasons for them. The rule for obedience is Obey first, and then ask why, and I always try to tell them my reasoning. OTOH, there are times when it's fairly obvious or unimportant and I don't feel like justifying why I asked this one and not that one to do the dishes... But for the big things, they definitely know.

[serene]

dd14 (almost 15) & dd12:

 

1. Her own cell phone - my dh & I each have a cell phone. If the girls go somewhere without us, they take one of our phones with them

2. A t.v. in her bedroom - in general, we're not real big on tv as a family; we only have one tv in the house, in the living room, and it stays behind closed cabinet doors most days.

3. A computer in her bedroom - the girls have access to several computers in our house, but the only internet-connected ones are in the main living areas. The others only run games and school programs.

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color- wouldn't be a huge deal to us, but they know the possibility of damage to their hair, and the need to maintain hair color, and really aren't interested. Their uncle (a hair color specialist) has always encouraged them to take good care of their hair, to keep it healthy, and to avoid color for now. He tells them they have beautiful hair because it's healthy and natural looking.

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) - dd14 was 10yo when she had her ears pierced, dd12 waited until she was 11yo. dd12 talks about wanting a 2nd hole in each ear - no big deal to us if she does or doesn't.

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall- we almost *never* go to a mall, but any time we shop for clothes, dh & I have the power to veto any selection. We rarely have to exercise that power because they both understand the standards for choosing appropriate clothes.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)- oldest occasionally will wear tinted lip gloss (reluctantly), youngest 'plays' with makeup at home, practicing applying eye shadow, blush, clear mascara, lipstick, etc., but doesn't wear more than lip gloss outside the house.

[5wolfcubs]

Interesting thread! My dd is already 13.

 

1. Her own cell phone No

2. A t.v. in her bedroom No

3. A computer in her bedroom No

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color No

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) No

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall No

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) No

 

Some mom-thoughts:

I can see getting her a cell phone if/when she starts volunteering more hours and needs to be picked up/dropped off.

No t.v. ever.

She has a computer in the office, just like everyone else...to have it in her room would mean no World of Warcraft!

She'd like to continue donating her hair to Locks of Love every few years, so dying is out.

I'd let her get her ears pierced, single standard hole if she wanted.

Clothes & makeup -- not sure about those. It hasn't come up...yet.

[SkateLeft]

My daughter has a cell phone, but that's because she takes classes at the local university, and she takes it with her when she's on campus for safety. She doesn't carry it around elsewhere.

 

She's not interested in makeup, clothes, hair or jewelry, so no battles there. She's quite proud of her "geek girl" status. :D She does have her own computer, but it's not in her room. I had a computer in my room at her age, but then, I didn't have the internet!

[manylilblessings]

Well, I think the answers speak for themselves. But... I think your daughter needs a hug anyway. It's tough seeing what peers do, and having parents who are different. I just remind my kids often that rules are meant to keep everyone safe and happy. They'll have to trust me for the happy part... but they can rest assured, it's all based on love. "I love you too much to say yes to everything you ask for. But.... hugs are always freely given." That's what my kids hear a lot.

 

Hugs to you too mama... parenting is tough work.

[Chris in CA]

:iagree: ITA - good point :grouphug: for you and dd

[nakitty]

My dd is nearly 10 but here are my answers...

 

1. Her own cell phone

No, and she won't at 13 either

 

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

No, we tried that and it was a mistake

 

3. A computer in her bedroom

No, I imagine it would cause the same problems as the t.v.

 

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

Yes, currently her hair is dyed pink and black....

 

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

No, but at 13 I wouldn't be against it...

 

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

Yes, but her Dad and I have veto power....even when she uses her own money...that will continue until she is 18.

 

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

No, but I will allow it at 13....

[Carol in Cal.]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

3. A computer in her bedroom

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

 

 

My daughter thinks she does not have these things because I am too strict. Everyone else her age and younger has these things. Plus, I am not spoiling her like I should be doing.

 

I told her I'd post this here so we can find out how wonderful other kids have it compared to my DD.

 

Thanks for your responses.

 

RC

 

1. No, not her own cell phone. It's just too expensive. But I'm thinking about a strictly limited one for next year.

2. Ha. We don't even have cable. Nope. No TV in the bedroom. Never going to happen.

3. No, but she has a computer in the homeschooling room. It has parental controls on it and it faces the door. And she does not have her own email address.

4. She can paint her hair but not dye it.

5. No ear piercings, but she is allowed to wear clip or magnetic earrings whenever she wants. We have a family history of allergies to metal, and so I want her to wait until she can make a truly adult decision on whether or not to get her ears pierced.

6. She wears mostly hand me downs. But she gets to choose which ones she uses and which ones she passes on. We shop at the mall occasionally and always together. She gets to propose things and and I have veto power. I never buy her clothes when she is not present to consult on them. She is not allowed to wear pants with writing on the posterior, tank tops, spaghetti straps, or midriff clothes. But she is not frumpy--she wears clothes that are sporty or elegant and she looks really cool. But cool in an elegantly covered up kind of way. I don't want her to be unattractive; just unsuggestive.

7. She can experiment with make up, and she wears lip gloss sometimes. So far this has not really been much of an issue, because whenever she puts on eye makeup or blush or lipstick, she looks less good than when she started, so she is not all that motivated. She has nice skin and highly colored lips, so she really doesn't need makeup.

 

So, if you're mean, I'm WAY meaner.

 

And yes, I do hear the same refrain...the EVERYBODY refrain.

 

And, actually, I do look at the other kids, and there is some truth to the claim. So I try to relent where I can and present everything as our charming family quirks and still host very fun activities that make our dwelling and our daughter seem like a cool oddball rather than an outcase oddball. Relenting--I won an IPOD shuffle and gave it to DD. She looks cool wearing it, apparently. I bought DD a skin care system. Although she doesn't even wash her face and doesn't want to use this, she casually mentions it to her friends, because having your own skin care system is apparently too cool for words. She was the only kid on a recent retreat who didn't have a cell phone, so I let her carry mine around so that she would look more 'normal'. I didn't need it and she didn't use it. It was all for looks. I have started to take her shopping a little more often, although we still limit that much more drastically than most people I know.

 

Bottom line--I don't want her to feel that I enjoy depriving her. And, compared to a lot of her peers, she IS deprived in most of these ares. So I want her to understand why we make the decisions that we do, and I want to say yes to her reasonable desires wherever possible.

[Mrs Mungo]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

3. A computer in her bedroom

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

 

 

My daughter thinks she does not have these things because I am too strict. Everyone else her age and younger has these things. Plus, I am not spoiling her like I should be doing.

 

I told her I'd post this here so we can find out how wonderful other kids have it compared to my DD.

 

Thanks for your responses.

 

RC

 

My answers in regard to my 12 year old DD (birthday in December)

 

1. Her own cell phone: No

2. A t.v. in her bedroom: No

3. A computer in her bedroom: No

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color: we recently dyed it green but only with temporary color

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear): No, she only has one hole per ear

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall: No

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss): She owns some, she can play with it, she may not leave the house in it

 

My DD also has a 9 pm bedtime and laments it on a near-daily basis.

[senunk]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone will prob. get one for Christmas, but she will pay for the $10 monthly fee with her allowance $

2. A t.v. in her bedroom no way

3. A computer in her bedroom no way

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color wouldn't really bother me. She has done haircolor that washes out in 28 days.

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) no

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall yes, and she is modest.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) a bit. Bare Minerals face powder and lip color, but most days she goes bare. No eye makeup yet.

[Kris]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone

 

No. Never for daughter, but I did tell my son he could have one if he paid for it. He decided he didn't want one.

 

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

 

Son has had one in his room for about a year. Daughter never had one in her room.

 

3. A computer in her bedroom

 

No.

 

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

 

No.

 

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

 

No.

 

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

 

No.

 

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

 

No.

 

My daughter thinks she does not have these things because I am too strict. Everyone else her age and younger has these things. Plus, I am not spoiling her like I should be doing.

 

I don't know why your daughter doesn't have these things, but my kids didn't have these things because (1) they didn't need them (2) we couldn't afford them, (3) if they want stuff like that they have their whole lives ahead of them to collect toys and (4) I've never found being around spoiled kids to be much fun -- it would be horrid to have them actually living in the house with me.

[Melissa in Australia]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

3. A computer in her bedroom

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

 

 

My daughter thinks she does not have these things because I am too strict. Everyone else her age and younger has these things. Plus, I am not spoiling her like I should be doing.

 

I told her I'd post this here so we can find out how wonderful other kids have it compared to my DD.

 

Thanks for your responses.

 

RC

 

not to strict.

no child of mine has any of these

[WagsWife]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

3. A computer in her bedroom

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

 

 

My daughter thinks she does not have these things because I am too strict. Everyone else her age and younger has these things. Plus, I am not spoiling her like I should be doing.

 

I told her I'd post this here so we can find out how wonderful other kids have it compared to my DD.

 

Thanks for your responses.

 

RC

 

DD 12 has a cell phone...we gave it to her when she was 10. She never seriously asked for one, I bought it because it was something *I needed her to have (I have control issues.)

 

She does not have a tv in her room. She shares, by choice, a room with her sister. We have thrown the idea of putting a tv up there for movies, but it is very questionable if it will happen...and there certainly will never be any kind of cable or satellite hooked up if we do.

 

She has a laptop her grandparents bought for all three of the girls to do school work on it. It is not, and never will be allowed to be anywhere other than the open common areas of the house...that is our rule for all computers.

 

She does not have colored hair...she has not asked for it. If she did, I would probably consider it. The main problem for me is the cost of upkeep. I would not want to allow her to do it, if we could not afford to keep it up.

 

Only one set of holes in her ears...again, she has not asked for more. I would let her if she wanted to.

 

About once a year we try to take the girls on a big shopping trip to Old Navy...that is about it for mall type stores. This is mostly financial, if we could do it more...and find acceptable clothes, we would.

 

When she turned 11 we allowed her to start wearing tinted lip gloss. We told her she could pick one new makeup item a year. This year she picked foundation which she hardly uses.

[BamaTanya]

1. Her own cell phone - yes, because Grandpa bought it after she had to walk to his house (about 8 blocks) when her bus arrived early and I was in the carpool line at another school picking up ds -- maybe not an issue for dc who don't spend time away from parents -- prepaid and preprogrammed with only certain phone numbers (neighbors and relatives for emergencies)

 

2. A t.v. in her bedroom - no, though individual dc have been granted temporary use of parent's laptop to watch DVDs while sick in bed

 

3. A computer in her bedroom - yes, but not connected to the internet - has word processor, typing, and foreign language software

 

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color - We tried Sun-In at age 12 -- led to the Hair Disaster - went to a professional to return it to the natural color -- won't be doing that again!

 

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) -- no piercings

 

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall -- not so far. Even when she has $$$ to buy her own, I still retain veto power.

 

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) -- I allowed mascara and lip gloss at 13 (though dd was allowed to wear make-up for dance and drama performances before that). I selected subtle make-up colors for 14 years.

 

I think dd wanted to know "when" and "why" a lot. I often told her "when" she showed more responsibility she would be given more freedom of choice. It would NOT be when she disobeyed or badgered us for more freedom.

 

Some people have a set timeline for these things. I didn't (maybe should have -- maybe will with youngers). I tried to figure out what was really important to her. Some things are non-negotiable for religious or safety reasons. Others . . . well, I can be more flexible with a truly mature dc who is responsible and trustworthy.

[fivetails]

My dd is 11, grade 7...

 

1. Her own cell phone - Nope. I don't even have one! I've told her that she can have a cell phone when she's old enough to sign the contract by law...so what's that, 18? I've always hated the things..though when dh brought his home last visit (he's working away), I had an awful lot of fun "texting" :D ..I'd never done that before!

2. A t.v. in her bedroom - Yes... with stipulations as to what channels she can use and when. dh is a game player, so he'd often have the main tv occupied - that's why we gave her the 13 inch one in her room. She doesn't use it much these days with dh away. She has a dvd player there with it, but it skips all the time.

3. A computer in her bedroom - No ..we just have the 1 computer in the living room right now

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color - Not currently. I did let her have some blond chunks put in (she's medium brown) before, as well as some hot pink stuff "all the girls" were using.

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) - she did have a second set done, but I think they're healed over. Just the 1 in each then.

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall - this wouldn't apply to us..she only wears a size 7/8 to 10 in kids - our malls don't have any kid clothes stores in them. We shop at Zellers, Walmart, second hand stores, yard sales, flea markets, etc. Oh, well, when we go an hour away there's an Old Navy store that has a lot of good sales and sometimes she'll get something from the kids section there. And no, she doesn't pick anything and everything she wants - we choose together.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) - well, she *has* some stuff outside of the lipgloss, but it's not allowed to be worm out of the house.. it's more for "playing dressup" (some blue eyeshadow, glitter, that sorta stuff).... lipgloss with with shine or a hint of colour is fine. Nailpolish is also fine.

 

 

Now, all that said - my dd11 is one of the exceptions amongst the girls close to her age in our neighbourhood. If your dd is saying "everyone has these things" ..well, she may be telling the truth, or most of it....it seems that most preteen and teen girls these days DO have their own computers and cell phones and dress however they want, wear lots of makeup, etc...I see it all the time, and hear from my dd about what's in her friends houses. Ugh.

[lynn]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

My dd is still little but I do have 13 and 15yr boys

1. Her own cell phone no but we have a family use for when they are with friends.

2. A t.v. in her bedroom yes for their xbox and when one wants to watch discovery the other history or educational movie the other does not want to watch.

3. A computer in her bedroom absolutely not

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color for dd if it's a natural color or highlights.

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) not sure for dd

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall dd we'd go together and pick a few outifits the boys don't care.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) dd perhaps mascara

 

 

My daughter thinks she does not have these things because I am too strict. Everyone else her age and younger has these things. Plus, I am not spoiling her like I should be doing.

 

I told her I'd post this here so we can find out how wonderful other kids have it compared to my DD.

 

Thanks for your responses.

 

RC

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