Feeling used as a homeschooler

[coffeefreak]

I know we've hashed and re-hashed this several times in several different ways on these boards, but I am feeling really low right now and just need some understanding ears.

 

I'm so tired of giving away curriculum or loaning it out to new homeschool moms and they do one or more of the following:

 

A. Never use it therefore tying up my money (because I could have sold it), or preventing me from loaning it out to someone else.

 

B. Lose it, misplace it, or tell me they thought I had given it to them so they sold it.

 

C. Use it and destroy it but don't offer to replace it for me.

 

D. They NEVER say Thank you.

 

Case in point, last year I mailed a set of books to a friend who had moved away, and I didn't get to the post office right away. I was mailing them to her at no cost to her, and she called me a week later demanding to know where they were. Then, she never said thank you. I had to e-mail her and ask if she had ever received them, and all she said was, "Yes, I got them last week." No Thank you, no nothing. She has not spoken to me since and I will never see those books again.

 

I have a similar situation going on now, and i just feel used. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to even talk to new moms about homeschooling. I end up getting so offended. They don't take advice, they argue with you, they insist that they know what they're doing because they've been "watching" me, and it can't be that hard. Well then why did they ask? I even asked a mom that once. I said, "You know, I guess that's all I have, you seem to have a good grasp of things." When she called me up a week later asking me more questions, I told her I didn't really feel comfortable talking to her, not because she wouldn't do things my way, but because I couldn't handle the arguing, the fact that every time I opened my mouth she told me why that wouldn't work for her child and why I was wrong because the public school did it *THIS* way. She apologized and said she wouldn't do that anymore, but of course, she did. Then, after a while, they call me up to cry and for encouragement, which I don't mind giving, but they say things like, "No one told me how hard this was going to be! No one told me XYZ! Why did I buy this curriculum? Why didn't anyone tell me this wasn't going to work for what I needed? Why isn't there more support for homeschoolers?"

 

:001_huh:

 

REALLY?!?!?!?! *I* did!!!!!! and the worst is when you watch a mom pull her kids out of school, follow no advice, from anyone, only to put them back in school a year or two later and criticize homeschooling like that's what the problem is. Like it's the entity of homeschooling, not them. Or it's the curriculum or whatever.

 

I know I should take the attitude, "Neither a borrow nor a lender be," or I should look at it like giving money to charity, it's none of my business what happens to it, and why should I care if they take my advice or not. But the problem is, I feel like they're wasting my time and my money. Homeschooling is something I'm passionate about. I have put my heart and my soul into this lifestyle, we have lived it, and my children are living proof of this. We have put blood, sweat and tears into it, and it is no small thing to take an evening of my time to sit with a mom and discuss catalogs, and goals. It is no small thing to loan out my curriculum that my husband works two jobs to provide. *I* did take the advice of other moms. I asked questions and took notes, I spent, and continue to spend hours and hours on my computer in research and on my knees in prayer. I go to convention to hear the speakers and find ideas and encouragement, and I don't blame them when something doesn't go right, or if their lecture doesn't pertain to me. I'm the one who asked for their advice! Why go argue with them after the lecture!??!?

 

 

:rant:

 

OK, I'm done. . .for now. . .

 

Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent.

:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

It's hard to pass on passion. I'm passionate about homeschooling, but I don't dare presume that for someone else. It's like they need to own it before they can truly understand.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling used. :grouphug::grouphug:

[DawnM]

I don't lend things out either.

 

People forget where they put things or forget I was the one who gave it to them, etc.....

 

I sell it or give it away.

[BlsdMama]

A couple of things:

 

1. Don't loan out things.

2. IF you loan out things only loan them to close, really CLOSE friends, and they've already "proven" themselves with little, unimportant, inexpensive things. :)

3. Don't loan out anything you couldn't/wouldn't want to replace.

4. Don't loan to people you don't really KNOW.

5. Don't borrow things unless you are willing to replace them when your two year old inevitably spills coffee on them.

6. Don't loan things out to people who haven't been homeschooling long... They have no grasp of how preciously we guard our homeschooling budget and how we have sacrificed in order to make the purchases we have.

7. If you have truly sacrificed to make the purchases, you may need to treat them as precious things.

8. If they ARE precious things, invite newbies to look through things at your house... NOT borrow them. There is a difference.

9. Many of us here have chosen between books and clothing, books and food treats, homeschooling budgets and housing budgets... When this happens you are pretty emotionally attached to your books. Recognize this in yourself. If you cannot loan them out willingly and happily, then don't.

 

Above all, this is like loaning money to family. You send it out with the attitude that you probably won't get it back. If you get it back then great. But you have to do it with the attitude that you won't so that you don't have hard feelings. If you will have hard feelings (and that's okay) then DON'T loan it out.

 

The best alternative really is letting someone look at things at your house unless they are a very precious friend.

[fairfarmhand]

I hardly ever loan materials to anyone. If someone is interested in my stuff I say, "Well, you can come over and look at it yourself and see if you think it might work for your family. Then you can know what you're getting before you order." I never feel guilty about not lending my things out. I never imply that I would be willing to lend it. I mention several times about how hard it is when you're ordering to not know what you;re getting. How I can help them put their order together.....etc... I want them to expect to buy this stuff themselves.

 

If someone specifically asks, I say, "No. I don;t generally loan out stuff. I never know what grade levels we will cover this year, and I may need it half-way through the year. Plus, although I know with you this might not be an issue, but I have had trouble in the past with getting my stuff back in good shape. I can't make exceptions or it might get around to the people I'm trying to avoid lending my stuff to.":D

 

For advice, I have a standard e-mail that gives my most asked questions. I get people's e-mail addresses and shoot it to them. Otherwise, I direct them to the many online boards that can be helpful, like this one. If someone calls me with questions, I direct them to my e-mail. Even if it takes me some time to type up a response, at least then I have it to save to my computer for the next person who asks me this question.

 

One thing that I have learned is to not approach new homeschoolers with too much advice or excitement. If they think that I am the one and only homeschooling expert, they might expect me to do alot of handholding along the way. Sometimes this is fun, sometimes it takes more energy and time than I have. I try to keep a distance from new homeschoolers until I can kind of feel out how things will work.

 

That whole post sounds SO selfish. But, like you said, materials are expensive and homeschooling moms have limited time and energy. I have to guard both my time and money.

[justamouse]

Wow. :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

I think it's a good point about people not realizing that homeschooling materials cost so much. It's one thing to think about college texts costing a lot, but the uninformed don't realize that 1" binder I'm loaning you could cost 100.00.

 

We've considered a garage sale before, but I'm hesitant to put some homeschooling material in it. I don't want dh to have someone offer him 50 cents for what was a 25.00 book. He'd take it without realizing its value.

[Lara in Colo]

It took me long time to learn to not give so much of myself.

I am, by nature a giver, but it usually makes me feel used or unwanted.

I discovered people don't want my help, or advice and they don't appreciate it anyways.

 

Those that do want it, want me to do all the work. (like at functions)

 

Step back, give less to others and save more for yourself.

It isn't being selfish, just practical.

 

Lara

Edited June 10, 2012 by Lara in Colo

[myfunnybunch]

You send it out with the attitude that you probably won't get it back. If you get it back then great. But you have to do it with the attitude that you won't so that you don't have hard feelings. If you will have hard feelings (and that's okay) then DON'T loan it out.

 

In the future, I'd keep the above in mind and also treat giving advice like loaning curriculum, especially the bolded. It seems to upset you a great deal when people don't understand it or follow it. You should only give it if you're willing to give freely without expectation.

 

Cat

Edited June 9, 2012 by myfunnybunch

[hsmom2011]

My general rule of thumb is to never loan anything out unless it's something I don't care about ever getting back. ;)

[OnTheBrink]

I can count on two fingers the number of people I'd lend things to. ;) Other than that, I'll sell or give. But I've BTDT with getting things back in bad condition, or not at all.

 

As for advice, I've gotten to where I won't offer it, but if asked, I'll answer. Then I don't feel so much that my time has been wasted or my pearls cast before piggies. And, I remember being a new hs-er. I talked to all sorts of people, got all sorts of suggestions and used what I thought would work. Did it always? Nope. But because I didn't follow one person's specific advice didn't mean I thought they were wrong or I thought I knew it all ahead of time.

 

And, first year homeschooling is like being in labor. People have told you the entire pregnancy their labor war stories, and you smiled, nodded, listened. Then, when those pains hit, you wonder, "Why didn't someone tell me it was this bad?" Truth is, they did! But you had nothing to compare it to and no real context, so you didn't really get it.

 

That's how I look at it, anyway. :001_smile:

[Desert Strawberry]

I have a wonderful, generous friend who changes curriculum frequently. Every time she finds something new, I feel like she is giving me a sales pitch. I have changed curriculum once. In kindergarten. I have added something twice. One worked.one didn't. We have everything we need. We are secular, she is not. I don't want to try new stuff. I'm very happy with what we have.

I think she gets frustrated with me because I don't take her advice. Occasionally, I do. But almost always, it just doesn't apply to us.

I think it may benefit you to take a step back. Give advice only when expressly asked.keep it simple and generic. Give it knowing that it likely will not be followed. Don't loan anything out. I can't imagine handing over my books. We need them. I'm sure you do too.

[happi duck]

I feel your pain.

 

I don't loan anything unless I'm willing to never see it again.

 

I don't even share my opinion. I used to be willing to say "xyz has been a good fit for my kids" but then I had more than one mom phone me to say "we started using xyz and it's horrible"...um...sorry?

 

I've tried stuff that others love only to regret spending the money...I would never dream of phoning them to say I didn't like it. Sheesh.

[Heatherwith4]

:grouphug:

[Tohru]

:grouphug:

 

You are generous.

 

The rule in our house is No. We do not loan books out unless we're giving them away.

AND we NEVER BORROW books from some one else, even if they offer. If I want to see something, I will look at it at their house and refrain from taking it home.

[coffeefreak]

I can count on two fingers the number of people I'd lend things to. ;) Other than that, I'll sell or give. But I've BTDT with getting things back in bad condition, or not at all.

 

As for advice, I've gotten to where I won't offer it, but if asked, I'll answer. Then I don't feel so much that my time has been wasted or my pearls cast before piggies. And, I remember being a new hs-er. I talked to all sorts of people, got all sorts of suggestions and used what I thought would work. Did it always? Nope. But because I didn't follow one person's specific advice didn't mean I thought they were wrong or I thought I knew it all ahead of time.

 

And, first year homeschooling is like being in labor. People have told you the entire pregnancy their labor war stories, and you smiled, nodded, listened. Then, when those pains hit, you wonder, "Why didn't someone tell me it was this bad?" Truth is, they did! But you had nothing to compare it to and no real context, so you didn't really get it.

 

That's how I look at it, anyway. :001_smile:

 

This is really good advice for me. I have plenty of moms who haven't taken my advice and it TRULY does not bother me. It's when they argue with me like I'm giving them bad advice, or come back later, and tell me, "Why didn't you tell me?" The labor analogy is good. I don't give advice on childbirth, I don't tell my story to new mommies, and when new mommies act like they know what it's going to be like because they've read 20 books about labor and delivery, I smile and say, "Well GREAT!!!! I just KNOW you're going to have a great delivery." Because really, I was the mommy you're describing above and I learned the hard way. I even went back and apologized to a friend for being a know it all before L&D. :lol: I guess I should start approaching homeschooling the same way.

 

I feel your pain.

 

I don't loan anything unless I'm willing to never see it again.

 

I don't even share my opinion. I used to be willing to say "xyz has been a good fit for my kids" but then I had more than one mom phone me to say "we started using xyz and it's horrible"...um...sorry?

 

I've tried stuff that others love only to regret spending the money...I would never dream of phoning them to say I didn't like it. Sheesh.

:iagree:

This. This is what keeps happening. Sorry it happens to you too. Maybe that's why I like these boards so much. I recommend them to people and they won't come here. But really, I don't get my feelings hurt here when I give curriculum advice and someone slams it. I usually snort and say, "Well, different strokes for different folks." And, the flip side is true. When I come on asking for advice, I know I'm going to get some I don't like, but it doesn't hurt coming from people that you don't REALLY know. KWIM? The advice here ends up being objective and well rounded in that way. Maybe that's why it's such a popular board.

:001_smile:

[coffeefreak]

This has been so cathardic, I keep linking everyone's posts!:lol: I so appreciate all the advice and :grouphug:s!

 

I hardly ever loan materials to anyone. If someone is interested in my stuff I say, "Well, you can come over and look at it yourself and see if you think it might work for your family. Then you can know what you're getting before you order." I never feel guilty about not lending my things out. I never imply that I would be willing to lend it. I mention several times about how hard it is when you're ordering to not know what you;re getting. How I can help them put their order together.....etc... I want them to expect to buy this stuff themselves.

 

If someone specifically asks, I say, "No. I don;t generally loan out stuff. I never know what grade levels we will cover this year, and I may need it half-way through the year. Plus, although I know with you this might not be an issue, but I have had trouble in the past with getting my stuff back in good shape. I can't make exceptions or it might get around to the people I'm trying to avoid lending my stuff to.":D

 

For advice, I have a standard e-mail that gives my most asked questions. I get people's e-mail addresses and shoot it to them. Otherwise, I direct them to the many online boards that can be helpful, like this one. If someone calls me with questions, I direct them to my e-mail. Even if it takes me some time to type up a response, at least then I have it to save to my computer for the next person who asks me this question.

 

One thing that I have learned is to not approach new homeschoolers with too much advice or excitement. If they think that I am the one and only homeschooling expert, they might expect me to do alot of handholding along the way. Sometimes this is fun, sometimes it takes more energy and time than I have. I try to keep a distance from new homeschoolers until I can kind of feel out how things will work.

 

That whole post sounds SO selfish. But, like you said, materials are expensive and homeschooling moms have limited time and energy. I have to guard both my time and money.

 

No, your post does not sound selfish. I have felt because so many moms helped me when we started 8 years ago, and gave me curriculum that I should be doing the same. However, you have some excellent ideas that help both the seasoned homeschooler and the newbie (I bolded it above). I'm starting to see what others have said to me on this thread, I really shouldn't be loaning things out, giving them away or giving advice to new moms because I can't do it anymore with a glad, giving heart. Maybe that's OK, because even if I don't get much money, the money is always helpful for buying new curriculum. But it's more selfish of me to loan stuff out and be annoyed about it than to keep it and sell it to help my family out.

 

In the future, I'd keep the above in mind and also treat giving advice like loaning curriculum, especially the bolded. It seems to upset you a great deal when people don't understand it or follow it. You should only give it if you're willing to give freely without expectation.

 

Cat

:iagree:

You're absolutely right.

 

:grouphug:

 

You are generous.

 

The rule in our house is No. We do not loan books out unless we're giving them away.

AND we NEVER BORROW books from some one else, even if they offer. If I want to see something, I will look at it at their house and refrain from taking it home.

 

This is also an excellent point. I borrow books and take VERY good care of them and I expect others to be the same way. But, you know, we shouldn't be borrowing books from others because my oldest does not treat her things very well, and every once in a while accidents happen, so maybe this is a good rule of thumb for us. My oldest borrowed a book from someone and returned it without telling me, and the person she returned it to thought she had also borrowed another book. DD says she didn't, the other child says she did, and I feel a little obligated to replace the book because I know how forgetful my DD can be. The other mom was very gracious and said her son should not have been loaning out the books without her knowledge so he'll just have to replace it on his own, because neither of us has anyway of knowing who is right. I just talked with DH about this because of your response and I think this is a good way to do it. Unless you're GIVING it away, it doesn't leave the house.

 

Neither a borrower or a lender be.

[Mommyfaithe]

I give away or sell what I don't want....mostly give away...

 

I don't do loaners....except with my BF and my sil.

[coffeefreak]

A couple of things:

 

1. Don't loan out things.

2. IF you loan out things only loan them to close, really CLOSE friends, and they've already "proven" themselves with little, unimportant, inexpensive things. :)

3. Don't loan out anything you couldn't/wouldn't want to replace.

4. Don't loan to people you don't really KNOW.

5. Don't borrow things unless you are willing to replace them when your two year old inevitably spills coffee on them.

6. Don't loan things out to people who haven't been homeschooling long... They have no grasp of how preciously we guard our homeschooling budget and how we have sacrificed in order to make the purchases we have.

7. If you have truly sacrificed to make the purchases, you may need to treat them as precious things.

8. If they ARE precious things, invite newbies to look through things at your house... NOT borrow them. There is a difference.

9. Many of us here have chosen between books and clothing, books and food treats, homeschooling budgets and housing budgets... When this happens you are pretty emotionally attached to your books. Recognize this in yourself. If you cannot loan them out willingly and happily, then don't.

 

Above all, this is like loaning money to family. You send it out with the attitude that you probably won't get it back. If you get it back then great. But you have to do it with the attitude that you won't so that you don't have hard feelings. If you will have hard feelings (and that's okay) then DON'T loan it out.

 

The best alternative really is letting someone look at things at your house unless they are a very precious friend.

:iagree:

 

 

:iagree:

 

I've felt used too. When the newbies call me, I tell them to go to the library and read three books: For the Children's Sake, WTM and Beyond Survival. And when (and IF) they do that, then I'll visit. I simply don't have time to rehash what's in those books. If they don't know where the public library IS, then good luck!

 

:hurray:

Excellent! I am so going to start using that!

[Guest inoubliable]

I feel your pain!

 

DH and I were just talking about this last night. My brother and his wife said they were going to homeschool their upcoming K'er, we gave them a HUGE box of brand new K curriculum to use since DS4 would be a year behind their daughter, they decided not to home school after all (denied even saying it in the first place for some reason!), sold the stuff in the box, and didn't bother to tell us. We found out through my mom. Who acts like I shouldn't be bothered at all. Grrrr! I guess I should have mentioned to them that I'd want that back? There goes an entire K Saxon math program among lots of other stuff! :glare:

 

Lesson learned. My brother and his wife are STILL *those* kind of people AND neither borrower nor lender be.

[FO4UR]

:grouphug:

 

 

I like the idea of giving websites and book titles as help. Really, if someone is considering HSing they need to have the dedication to research their own possibilities or they won't have the dedication to follow through for the actual educating the dc part.

[kalanamak]

Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent.

:grouphug:

 

To quote the Beatles: "All We Need Are Manners. Manners Are All We Need."

[Lang Syne Boardie]

It's hard to pass on passion. I'm passionate about homeschooling, but I don't dare presume that for someone else. It's like they need to own it before they can truly understand.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling used. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

That's very well said. I think it gets to the heart of the problem: We really do expect the other homeschooling Mama to "care" as much as she says she does, or as much as we think she should, and it grates on the raw to learn that she just doesn't.

 

And it doesn't even mean she won't be a successful homeschooler or that her kids won't be happy, learning, etc., it just means that she's not a Psycho Classical Homeschooler like most of us here.

 

Which means lots of things for relationships between homeschooling friends, but the #1 thing it means is that she's not the gal to share your stuff with.

 

I have sooooo BTDT. I know exactly what you mean. It causes almost physical pain to learn that your beloved teacher's guide and books for X curriculum have been gathering dust on a friend's shelf while her kid still hasn't been taught X.

 

You would have sawed off your right arm and/or loaned an entire Sonlight core because she needed it and wanted it, and you wanted so badly to help, so you loaned it, but she won't use it! She just carries on doing that half-@ssed job she always does, which wouldn't bother you b/c 'to each her own,' but she hates that about herself and keeps whining...but you gave her the thing she liked with the schedule and she's still reading SpongeBob for bedtime stories and skipping the rest.

 

While your Sonlight core gets strewn around her living room and covered in peanut butter.

 

Seriously, lady, (I think to myself), if you are a partial unschooler or child-led family or whatever, and you don't want to change, FINE. Lots of homeschoolers do the same things and everything works out great, but the difference between them and you is that they own their choices instead of whining about homeschooling all the time.

 

Yeah, I have two people I share curriculum with. They are both quite sane and reliable and (above all) book-lovers, so they're safe. But they're the only ones. I'll only share catalogs and internet links with other homeschoolers.

Edited June 9, 2012 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Really, if someone is considering HSing they need to have the dedication to research their own possibilities or they won't have the dedication to follow through for the actual educating the dc part.

 

:iagree: I've come to believe this, too. Each person has to own it and be authentic about it, whatever method or curricula they choose.

[Bassoonaroo]

Just my 2 cents:

 

1) Be very careful about whom you loan to. And, specifically say, "I want this back in June because we'll use it next year and I need to plan out the year." Then, make a note in your calendar for mid-May to remind your friend.

 

2) Don't loan out anything that you would be sad to see come back in horrible shape. Or disappear altogether.

 

3) Label all loaners with premade address stickers saying, "Please Return to Minnie Mouse" or whatever your name is. Maybe put your phone on it. Or "Property of the Mouse Family." The idea is "This is not your book."

 

4) During the year ask, "How is that Math U See going for you? I look forward to using it with Brutus next year." You could even add, "I saw the next level up on Craigslist last week." That hints that you are not planning on providing the next level up...

 

Or, simply say, "We've decided not to loan out things because I cannot keep track of it all and we've lost a few things. Until I get organized, I'm just going to have to say no. Sorry." Done...

[NanceXToo]

I'm always happy to sit and chat and talk about my philosophy, answer questions, whatever. I've never lent out curriculum though, and don't know that I ever would. It's either in use or going to be used again at some point and I'd be ticked if something happened to it, so I want it staying right here. I would just offer to let people come see it so they can get an idea as to whether they'd want to use it.

[bugs]

Homeschooling is something I'm passionate about. I have put my heart and my soul into this lifestyle, we have lived it, and my children are living proof of this. We have put blood, sweat and tears into it, and it is no small thing to take an evening of my time to sit with a mom and discuss catalogs, and goals. It is no small thing to loan out my curriculum that my husband works two jobs to provide. *I* did take the advice of other moms. I asked questions and took notes, I spent, and continue to spend hours and hours on my computer in research and on my knees in prayer. I go to convention to hear the speakers and find ideas and encouragement, and I don't blame them when something doesn't go right, or if their lecture doesn't pertain to me. I'm the one who asked for their advice! Why go argue with them after the lecture!??!?

 

Oh yeah, I know exactly how you feel.

 

That's very well said. I think it gets to the heart of the problem: We really do expect the other homeschooling Mama to "care" as much as she says she does, or as much as we think she should, and it grates on the raw to learn that she just doesn't.

 

And it doesn't even mean she won't be a successful homeschooler or that her kids won't be happy, learning, etc., it just means that she's not a Psycho Classical Homeschooler like most of us here.

 

Which means lots of things for relationships between homeschooling friends, but the #1 thing it means is that she's not the gal to share your stuff with.

 

I have sooooo BTDT. I know exactly what you mean. It causes almost physical pain to learn that your beloved teacher's guide and books for X curriculum have been gathering dust on a friend's shelf while her kid still hasn't been taught X.

 

You would have sawed off your right arm and/or loaned an entire Sonlight core because she needed it and wanted it, and you wanted so badly to help, so you loaned it, but she won't use it! She just carries on doing that half-@ssed job she always does, which wouldn't bother you b/c 'to each her own,' but she hates that about herself and keeps whining...but you gave her the thing she liked with the schedule and she's still reading SpongeBob for bedtime stories and skipping the rest.

 

While your Sonlight core gets strewn around her living room and covered in peanut butter.

 

Seriously, lady, (I think to myself), if you are a partial unschooler or child-led family or whatever, and you don't want to change, FINE. Lots of homeschoolers do the same things and everything works out great, but the difference between them and you is that they own their choices instead of whining about homeschooling all the time.

 

Yeah, I have two people I share curriculum with. They are both quite sane and reliable and (above all) book-lovers, so they're safe. But they're the only ones. I'll only share catalogs and internet links with other homeschoolers.

 

Yep - The bold cracked me up.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

I like the idea of giving websites and book titles as help. Really, if someone is considering HSing they need to have the dedication to research their own possibilities or they won't have the dedication to follow through for the actual educating the dc part.

 

I like this idea.

[Guest]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. I truly believe it is better to never lend unless you are actually *giving* it away. I just don't think it's wise to lend with the expectation that you will get it back, promptly, undamaged and well.

 

Are you offering them out to people? I don't think anyone has asked to borrow my homeschool materials unless I first urged them to. (And I only urge them to if I could not care less if I ever see it again.) I do recall once declining to lend a book (not a homeschool book) to a friend because I was not going to be okay with it if she didn't get it back to me. I told her I was sure they had it at the library and I was too anxious about not having it because I depend on that book often. I'm sure I looked like a stingy freak, but it was a good strategy because that person was a "user" in general.

 

It's just not worth the hurt feelings when someone does this.

[coffeefreak]

And it doesn't even mean she won't be a successful homeschooler or that her kids won't be happy, learning, etc., it just means that she's not a Psycho Classical Homeschooler like most of us here.

 

 

Your whole post made me laugh but the above was the BEST!:lol:

 

:grouphug:

 

 

I like the idea of giving websites and book titles as help. Really, if someone is considering HSing they need to have the dedication to research their own possibilities or they won't have the dedication to follow through for the actual educating the dc part.

 

You are so right! I never thought of it that way before. It's a good lesson for all of us. And, like another poster said, a lot of new moms want hand holding and they just don't understand that's not what this is about. I also think some of them have been so busy blaming the public schools for what's wrong with their kids, they don't realize some of what the PS were telling them were right. Not all things are the PS fault and I have seen many a mom pull kids out, only to put them back in because they realize what hard work it is.

 

Quill asked if I offer my stuff, and the answer is yes. However, after this discussion, DH and I have decided we will not be doing that anymore. We have two kids and have had to re-buy too much curriculum in the last 5 years. This has been a great discussion in our house all day. It's fascinating when you realize everyone in your house views books and curriculum as a commodity and precious, but could care less about the furniture, clothes, or toys we've given away. It truly was an AHA moment for us.

[Guest]

Quill asked if I offer my stuff, and the answer is yes. However, after this discussion, DH and I have decided we will not be doing that anymore. We have two kids and have had to re-buy too much curriculum in the last 5 years. This has been a great discussion in our house all day. It's fascinating when you realize everyone in your house views books and curriculum as a commodity and precious, but could care less about the furniture, clothes, or toys we've given away. It truly was an AHA moment for us.

 

I think that's an excellent conclusion to come to at this point for your family. :001_smile:

[unfrumpable.]

:grouphug:

 

 

I like the idea of giving websites and book titles as help. Really, if someone is considering HSing they need to have the dedication to research their own possibilities or they won't have the dedication to follow through for the actual educating the dc part.

 

This! I have just been amazed reading this thread! Sure, I talked to people in my homeschool group when I first got started, but I did the majority of research myself. I'm only 1.5 years into it and am still researching. I have only recently got us on a schedule that we are both enjoying and is working. IMO, it's a lot of trial and error and learning and researching.

[annandatje]

:grouphug:

 

I don't lend things out anymore. I only give stuff away. People just don't give stuff back.

 

:iagree: After having been burnt one too many times, this is now my policy too.

[besroma]

 

 

Quill asked if I offer my stuff, and the answer is yes. However, after this discussion, DH and I have decided we will not be doing that anymore. We have two kids and have had to re-buy too much curriculum in the last 5 years. This has been a great discussion in our house all day. It's fascinating when you realize everyone in your house views books and curriculum as a commodity and precious, but could care less about the furniture, clothes, or toys we've given away. It truly was an AHA moment for us.

 

This is what we do. We used to offer advice as well, but now wait until we are asked for advice. It's so difficult when you are passionate about homeschooling not to get so excited that someone else has made that decision and start offering advice (for me, anyway).

 

I realized that some people really want advice and some really do not want advice about homeschooling.

 

So glad you and DH talked this through and came to a solution that works for your family!

 

It feels rotten to be used or to feel used. :grouphug:

[happypamama]

Thanks for posting this, and I'm sorry for those of you who have been hurt or burned because of your generosity!

 

I have borrowed things a couple of times from friends, and I was extremely careful with them. Had something become damaged or lost, I absolutely would have replaced it -- I can't believe that people wouldn't!

 

I've lent a few things out to friends that I trust very much, particularly those that I see often. There are a handful of people that I would trust with my curricula, but I have perhaps been (blessedly) too trusting with lending things in the past. This thread is inspiring me to be judicious when lending items. I am planning to lend our GSWL book to a friend, but a) it's not a huge expense if we don't get it back, b) its pages are a bit worn anyway, c) I trust this friend wholeheartedly, and d) I see this friend often. Thank you for the warnings!

[happi duck]

I feel your pain!

 

DH and I were just talking about this last night. My brother and his wife said they were going to homeschool their upcoming K'er, we gave them a HUGE box of brand new K curriculum to use since DS4 would be a year behind their daughter, they decided not to home school after all (denied even saying it in the first place for some reason!), sold the stuff in the box, and didn't bother to tell us. We found out through my mom. Who acts like I shouldn't be bothered at all. Grrrr! I guess I should have mentioned to them that I'd want that back? There goes an entire K Saxon math program among lots of other stuff! :glare:

 

Lesson learned. My brother and his wife are STILL *those* kind of people AND neither borrower nor lender be.

 

:svengo:

[kitten18]

 

And, first year homeschooling is like being in labor. People have told you the entire pregnancy their labor war stories, and you smiled, nodded, listened. Then, when those pains hit, you wonder, "Why didn't someone tell me it was this bad?" Truth is, they did! But you had nothing to compare it to and no real context, so you didn't really get it.

 

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I'm always happy to sit and chat and talk about my philosophy, answer questions, whatever. I've never lent out curriculum though, and don't know that I ever would. It's either in use or going to be used again at some point and I'd be ticked if something happened to it, so I want it staying right here. I would just offer to let people come see it so they can get an idea as to whether they'd want to use it.

:iagree:

[SonshineLearner]

Gosh, I love borrowing! I was raised to only borrow what you would/could replace.... and to treat it well :)

[Hannah]

:iagree: After having been burnt one too many times, this is now my policy too.

 

Yup, BTDT as well.

 

I don't lend anything any more. I've been way to trusting in the past. If someone wants to have a look, they can come to our house.

 

I'd also rather sell my things at a low price than give them a way. That way I know the family really wants the item.

[laughing lioness]

btdt. I only loan to a select group of people. I give generously. I dont' teach or organize stuff for free anymore either.

[Henriettakittycat]

I stopped loaning things to people after one person told me that when she borrows things from people she considers that they gave it to her and doesn't feel like she has to give it back. When I heard that she had a book and a cookbook of mine. The next time I was at her house I went in when she was busy, found my books, and took them back. Her bff was there and said, "I don't know if she's done with that or not!" I smiled, said she was, and put them in my van.

 

Someone did lend us a couple of Abeka books when we started homeschooling. I used them for a couple of weeks, tried to give them back but she said to hold on to them until the end of the year. By then we knew we were moving out of town so I gave them right back.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Holy smokes!

 

You know, just drop the being nice thing and run some workshops and make some cash with all that energy; you are basically serving as a personal assistant/consultant to unappreciative folks.

 

Haul all your books n stuff off to the local community center and charge whatever the top end of the market will bear out your way.

 

With all those dropouts, I'd be hosting a book sale also and charge table rent.

 

On the borrowing issue, that's not working out at all for you. Not returning what is borrowed is stealing at worst, lying at best.

 

You have got to be absolutely drained from all of this.

 

No more good deeds until 2013. Focus on you & recover.

[DianeW88]

I don't lend my stuff either...for the exact reasons you described. When new homeschoolers ask me for help, I hand them the RR catalog (either the previous year or an extra copy) and tell them to look it over and call me with questions. I also give them a list of websites for help and suggestions. It seems to do the trick.

[Soror]

I have only loaned out to one person but then again I don't use the same thing as most around here. I did offer a very good friend my RS Math curriculum but she bought it herself. I did loan her some other books but she returned them just fine. I have never offered to loan curriculum to anyone else though. I did know someone who was wanting an expensive curriculum loaned to her but I didn't offer. I felt bad but I had seen some of her used books before and they were in horrid condition and she is hard to contact, so I didn't trust her to get them back to me.

 

I am the main online contact for our hs group and have been trying to figure out how to handle the emails I get about the group. People ask me these vague questions, one person wanted me to explain the law, others want me to tell them about the group, etc. The thing is though that I only ever hear back from about 1 in 5 people if that. I think I've decided just to direct them to the group site which has a calendar of events and basic explanation of the group. Then if they have specific question answering them. A lot of people are considering hs'ing and want you to hold their hand, many are not even all that serious.

 

It is the same with gluten free and other information. I don't know how many times I've bent over backwards to help people and then don't hear a reply back at all. I love to help but hate to waste time and energy for people that are not willing to do the work themselves. I also get asked to help about living frugally, gd/ap'ing and budgeting as well. I don't volunteer opinions or advice though. I try to only put out there a little at a time. I find that people generally are only mildy curious and I have way more passion about such things then they want or need, so no need to waste my time.

[Murphy101]

I never loan, except to 4 people.

 

I have given LOTS and LOTS. Most of it was given to me at some point and I have a strong pass the blessing on philosophy. I don't sell stuff I've been given. Furniture, books, dishes, or whatever. Doesn't matter. If it was freely given to me, I feely pass it on.

 

Even the books I've bought I often give away unless I really need the money. These days selling almost cost as much as buying new! :glare: If I have a $10-15 like new worktext for example, I probably won't get more than $6-10 for it. But shipping is going to likely be at least $2-$3. So a $10 item that I sold for $6 then paid $2 shipping, means I made a whopping $4. Granted every dollar counts, but if I also buy anything to package it (tape &/or envelope) I basically am lucky to break even. And I have to drive to the post office. It's just not worth it.

[SailorMom]

I basically only give - not loan. If something is important enough for me to want it back, I just keep it :)

That said - I give out a lot. Boxes and boxes.

[In the Rain]

:grouphug:

 

 

I like the idea of giving websites and book titles as help. Really, if someone is considering HSing they need to have the dedication to research their own possibilities or they won't have the dedication to follow through for the actual educating the dc part.

 

:iagree: Well said!

[coffeefreak]

I stopped loaning things to people after one person told me that when she borrows things from people she considers that they gave it to her and doesn't feel like she has to give it back. When I heard that she had a book and a cookbook of mine. The next time I was at her house I went in when she was busy, found my books, and took them back. Her bff was there and said, "I don't know if she's done with that or not!" I smiled, said she was, and put them in my van.

:001_huh:

:lol: - You go girl! I have to admit, I've called moms and said, "Since you told me you're not using X, I was wondering if I could drop by today and pick it up. I just want to get it out of your way. :tongue_smilie:

 

Holy smokes!

 

You know, just drop the being nice thing and run some workshops and make some cash with all that energy; you are basically serving as a personal assistant/consultant to unappreciative folks.

 

Haul all your books n stuff off to the local community center and charge whatever the top end of the market will bear out your way.

 

With all those dropouts, I'd be hosting a book sale also and charge table rent.

 

On the borrowing issue, that's not working out at all for you. Not returning what is borrowed is stealing at worst, lying at best.

 

You have got to be absolutely drained from all of this.

 

No more good deeds until 2013. Focus on you & recover.

 

Thanks. Your post made me smile.:001_smile: