Is it important for grandparents to attend their grandkids' birthday parties....

[cottonmama]

assuming:

 

(1) The grandparents live 1 hour away

(2) The party is a family-only gathering

(3) The birthday party falls on a weekend

(4) You, your dh, and the kids have a generally good relationship with the grandparents.

 

Do your parents/in-laws come to your kids' birthday celebrations? How often do they miss them if they usually come?

[mommytime]

Ours (all four of them) have always come if they can. The only time my father-in-law has missed is if he's out of state hunting. I would be very surprised if they didn't come.

[Gingerbread Mama]

I voted other, based on our situation. We have always done two parties if the kids wanted one with friends. We did one for the family, one with just kids. I wouldn't want some of my inlaws around kids :tongue_smilie:because they use bad manners and are embarassing (not MIL/FIL - some of the other inlaws) and it would be hard to invite some inlaws/family and not others. A few years ago my mother decided she would never come to another party with ANY of my inlaws, they acted so bizarre. So now she holds a dinner/cake celebration at her home for each person on their birthday. The kids have pretty much gotten out of doing "big" kiddie parties, we might do something with a friend or two - so if we do that it's another time. After MIL/FIL divorced, interest in going to grandkids stuff piddled out for the most part so I just let that fizzle. Otherwise, I guess we'd celebrate each of their birthdays 3x...

[rwjx2khsmj]

We've never lived near grandparents so I can only imagine how wonderful it would be to have them at special events for my children. I can also only imagine how disappointed I'd be if it wasn't a priority for them to be involved in our lives.

[Caitilin]

In your scenario, I vote for Very Important; that would not be the vote for my own family, though.

[*Lulu*]

I voted very important based on your scenario and my family's culture.

[brett_ashley]

I think it depends on how many grandchildren they have. My grandparents on my mom's side have 18 grandchildren and didn't make it to every party. My grandparents on my dad's side just have the six of us and they did.

[Miss Marple]

Too many unknown variables: age of grandparents (affects ability to drive), how often they see the gkids otherwise, how many other weekend plans they may have (they do have a life of their own), age of the gkids (my own would not have noticed if G&G didn't attend unless I made a big deal of it), how many other gkids they are trying to accommodate...

[dangermom]

I would not consider it a huge deal. Nice, but not all-important.

[4everHis]

I would like to jump in with this thought. If you 'expect' a grandparent (or anyone for that matter) to be there, let them know. When you 'expect' something and it doesn't happen that can lead to anger, which leads to bitterness, all over something that could have been avoided if you let them know how important it was to you.

 

"An expectation is an obligation that you mentally assign to another person."

 

just my 2cents. . ..

 

I just looked back at your kids ages. The kids will only make a big deal if you do.

Edited April 23, 2012 by connib

[Miss Marple]

I would not consider it a huge deal. Nice, but not all-important.

 

:iagree:

[justasque]

Important to them that they be invited? Yes, probably. I wouldn't hold a party and not invite them to at least stop by (unless there were specific reasons/history to lead me to decide not to).

 

Important to you that they show up? Sounds like it from your post.

 

Important to them that they show up? Will vary person to person. Every grandparent has different ways of handling their relationship with their grands. You have to work it out as you go along, and be open to change along the way.

 

If it's important to you that they be there, you need to let them know you feel that way. If they decide not to, try to take it in stride.

 

Birthdays are a huge big deal to some, and not so much to others.

Communication is key.

[Mimmy]

My children would be very sad if their grandparents didn't come. The grandparents here have a similar driving distance to yours and close relationships with the children.

[Plucky]

I voted kind of important, and wouldn't make a fuss. It's so hard when there is a conflict in family culture and traditions. I try very hard to bend for my ils, it's hard though because they think their way is THE right way. LOL

[2squared]

Too many unknown variables: age of grandparents (affects ability to drive), how often they see the gkids otherwise, how many other weekend plans they may have (they do have a life of their own), age of the gkids (my own would not have noticed if G&G didn't attend unless I made a big deal of it), how many other gkids they are trying to accommodate...

 

:iagree: I don't invite my ILs to the kids' birthdays because I don't want them to have the obligation. They have a busy social life of their own, 18 grandchildren, and 5 great-grands. Others invite them to a lot of kid activities, and I know it stresses the ILs to try to accomodate everyone's expectations. We are the family that doesn't invite them to much of anything, and we may be the family who sees them the most. They usually call us every few weeks asking to visit, and I noticed that they often call asking to be invited for birthdays. I honestly believe that not placing expectations on their time has provided a richer relationship overall.

[Shellers]

Nope and we are on good terms with all the grandparents.

 

My mom would come to any party for my kids, she lives 45 minutes away.

 

My dad lives 3 hours away and I bet he couldn't name all of my kids (I have four).

 

DH's dad couldn't name any of our kids.

 

DH's mom would attend, but would just tell everyone how great she is, so I wouldn't invite her. Plus she likes to start drinking early.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would not consider it a huge deal. Nice, but not all-important.

 

:iagree:

[gardenmom5]

given your conditions - I'd say it is expected. Reality is, sometimes things happen.

[Sasharowan]

My mom comes to most, my dad rarely. MIL is 900+ miles away. FIL died before we had kids. My arents are at family parties mainly because they host them at their house. My mom comes to most parties simply because she enjoys the kids. But if she has to miss, it's ok, not a big deal.

[edeemarie]

I would think it is important. We have a close family, and we don't really have huge birthday parties for the kids, so having family there is what my kids have come to expect.

[Trish]

I'm not even sure I fully get the question. Is it, how important OUGHT it to be for grandparents to come (given a variety of variables including distance, health, conveninece, habit, age of child, other obligations...)

 

I invite people. If they can/are able to come, they do. If they can't/are unable they don't. The kids enjoy whatever transpires no matter who is there.

 

Is this a Trying to Gauge The Level of Disappointment concept? Is a guilt trip being contemplated? It is nice when people come. It isn't a huge deal if they can't/won't. If it were a more important occasion like a graduation or something I'd look at it a little differently, but the same can't/won't things still apply. It's nice if they come, but if they can't/won't we aren't going to mope.

[KidsHappen]

I drive five hours to my grandson's b-day and he is only three. I am quite sure that he won't remember one way or another but it matters to me and his mother. He was born on the 22nd of Aug which is two weeks into the school year here which is kind of inconvient. The girls always want to go and they can't afford to miss school. Last year we went at labor day instead and might do the same this year depending on the dates.

[LMA]

An invitation is just an invitation. Expectations should not be made on anyone who is invited.

 

If an invited person comes, great. If they can't come, then maybe next time they can come.

[Parrothead]

Communication is going to be key here.

 

If one arbitrarily sets a date for a party and expects others to just drop everything to attend then one is setting oneself up for disappointment.

 

If one does not understand that life happens at the most inconvenient times then one is setting oneself up for disappointment.

 

If one does whatever is humanly possible to accommodate the principals involved and said principals do not hold up their end well, it is on them. They will be the ones to lose out if this routinely happens. Kids know.

[Tarreymere]

I have a lot of grandchildren. That is a good thing. But, their parents were all into the 'let's have a bigger and better party than the last one' mindset. The parties were NOT family only, involved I think every other child of the same age in the universe plus all of their siblings, and were often held in one of those kids party venues like Chucky Cheese or similar. The gifts were outrageous too.

 

So, dh and I just informed the kids pretty early on that we had a 'no birthday party attendance policy' and that we would be happy to send a card with a small amount of money or to have a quiet visit with the birthday child and his or her sibs. The kids were really angry with us.

 

Over the years some of the kids have 'seen the light' and no longer plan crazy elaborate and loud birthday extravaganzas. They do just have a small event with only family, a cake, and some modest presents. I would be happy to attend these events, but then I get grief from the kids who are still into the crazy birthdays and have to put up with 'oh you always liked X better' and things like that. So, dh and I still don't go to any grandkid birthday parties.

[Spock]

assuming:

 

(1) The grandparents live 1 hour away

(2) The party is a family-only gathering

(3) The birthday party falls on a weekend

(4) You, your dh, and the kids have a generally good relationship with the grandparents.

 

Do your parents/in-laws come to your kids' birthday celebrations? How often do they miss them if they usually come?

 

My parents live 15 minutes away, so they always come. We even choose whether to celebrate the weekend before or the weekend after the birthday based on when my parents can come.

 

My husband's mother lives on the other side of the country (CA/NC), and his father lives in Guatemala. They have never been here at the time of any of my kids birthdays.

 

I'm not sure what we would do if we had grandparents an hour away. We probably would try to pick a date that they could come, though my mother's health is shaky now, and she might not be able to travel that far--though she would want to, and would try to make the effort even if healthwise she really shouldn't.

[Tammyla]

My parents live 29 hours away...if they lived closer we would expect them and they would expect to be invited.

 

assuming:

 

(1) The grandparents live 1 hour away

(2) The party is a family-only gathering

(3) The birthday party falls on a weekend

(4) You, your dh, and the kids have a generally good relationship with the grandparents.

 

Do your parents/in-laws come to your kids' birthday celebrations? How often do they miss them if they usually come?

[Ellie]

I think it depends on how many grandchildren they have. My grandparents on my mom's side have 18 grandchildren and didn't make it to every party. My grandparents on my dad's side just have the six of us and they did.

Oh, yes, the number of grandchildren would definitely make a difference!

[cottonmama]

Is this a Trying to Gauge The Level of Disappointment concept? Is a guilt trip being contemplated? It is nice when people come. It isn't a huge deal if they can't/won't. If it were a more important occasion like a graduation or something I'd look at it a little differently, but the same can't/won't things still apply. It's nice if they come, but if they can't/won't we aren't going to mope.

 

This is a "should I take my parents' side or my sister's side" question. And I guess all the answers are leading me to think that I probably shouldn't be taking sides. ;-)

 

But it is helpful to see what a variety of answers there are. To me that says that my parent's culture of low-key birthday isn't as odd as my dh thinks it is, and my BIL's culture of all-important birthdays isn't as odd as it seems to my parents.

[SKL]

No. It's too much to demand of my parents, with their various health issues, even though they are only about an hour drive away. A couple of years ago I kind of pressured them to come over for a visit so my mom could see the kids play with the big toys she had sent to them, and just kind of how our life is. My mom did not seem to enjoy it at all and they left after an hour or two. I assume she was in pain. You never know how that's going to go. So, I let them know that they are always welcome any time, but I do not push it. We try to go to their house every month or two.

 

We don't really do birthday parties. We just celebrate on the day, and if anyone happens to be around, that's great. Some relatives send gifts, others don't. The kids are plenty spoiled enough, I say.

Edited April 23, 2012 by SKL

[hsbaby]

My kids are extremely close to their grandparents and would be heartbroken if they didn't come. It's never been an issue though, they wouldn't want to miss it.

[wapiti]

Wouldn't bother me at all. An hour can be a long drive for an older person.

 

But, we live very far from grandparents, so they only attend birthday parties when they happen to be here for a visit. And, I keep birthday parties as minimal as possible - cake and presents - and if the kids are really lucky, maybe a friend or two. Not a huge deal.

Edited April 23, 2012 by wapiti

[amy g.]

They should only come if they want to.

[mudboots]

My parents live an hour away. Sometimes we schedule the party around them. Or sometimes we'll have a party here and then go there for another party.

 

It probably depends on the family, though. DH & I have a great relationship with my parents, and my mom in particular is involved in raising our kids. I don't think we have to be the model for every family, though.

[HSMom2One]

As a grandparent myself, I can tell you that going to kids' birthday parties is not always that fun. Dh and I have found that the parties are noisy and busy and it's very hard to give the birthday child the attention they deserve from us. We would rather spend some special time with less people around when we can celebrate our dgc's birthdays in a more personal way. Please note that I do, of course, call my dgc on their birthday and acknowledge that it is their special day. Oh, and we also live an hour away from our dgc.

 

In our family we plan a combined celebration for any and all birthdays that happened during that particular month. The kids have fun with their friends at their regular birthday part, then we have the family gathering as a separate thing. We have birthday cake and presents along with a special dinner either at one of our homes or at a restaurant. Everyone is happy with what we do now, and none of the kids feel slighted.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[ocelotmom]

My family lives far enough away that they've never come to my kids' birthdays (with the exception of DS's 1st, when we happened to be at my mom's house at the time).

 

Anyways, if they lived closer, it would depend on the reason. "We just didn't feel like it" is different from "We already have a commitment".

[JeneralMom]

My grandparents never had anything to do with our birthday but I also don't think we made a big deal about our birthday (DB and I are born on the same day, three years apart). Our birthday, however, is close to X-Mas so they never bought us gifts for our b-day nor did we expect them.

 

If my mom is visiting us she will come to the party (only happened once) but does it grudgingly because she hates noise, clutter and fun in general. If she is visiting around the kids' birthdays she will take us out to celebrate. She does send money for me to buy them a gift of her choice (money is less expensive to mail than an actual gift but she tells me what to buy) and she has paid for the party before as a gift.

[ChristineW]

My mom is 1700 miles away. MIL and Step-FIL live 45 minutes away and always come. FIL comes when he can--he has a job that requires travel mostly on weekends.

 

Christine W

[bettyandbob]

I live very close to my parents and my MIL. The grandparents are involved in dc's lives and whether or not the grandparents attend a bd party does not change their relationship. MIL in particular dislikes bd parties, even small family parties. She prefers to take grandchildren to spend one on one time with each kid (take ds to a new spy movie, dd to a play, etc).

 

There's a lot more to relationship building with grandchildren than being present when cake passed around.

[Gailmegan]

My parents and my MIL come to everything. They wouldn't dream of missing a thing. My parents come to EVERY soccer game, swim meet, baseball game, pinewood derby, etc. MIL doesn't do all of the sports but she comes to a good number of them.

 

FIL and step-MIL live in Florida and hardly even call on birthdays, including my husband's. But they've made their choices.

[pattyrice]

My sister and I do not get along. She has always had something against me, Ive never done ANYTHING to her. She is having my grandson a bday party and I wasnt invited. My son and the babies mother are no longer together and his x blames me for how he treated her...They are both almost 30, Anyways I told my sister that her and i got into a argument so my sister started texting and calling her. My sister gave her money to move and buys watever she needs. My x daughter in law doesnt talk to me nothing. I am beyond devastated. My sisters husband has money and i am rather low income. 

I dont have alot of money but I love those grandkids and I truly am so upset. I am crying now.....

[Lori D.]

Party zombie resurrected by a first-time poster...

🧟‍♂️🎁🎂

[Alice Lamb]

I said "not important" because mine never did and I never expected them to be there.  BUT, the circumstances were very different: they lived 500 miles away and most of my birthday celebrations were all kids parties or a fancy dinner out with my parents and one friend.  We did have a "half-birthday" celebration dinner at my grandparents when we went to visit in the summer.