Being the parent of a young adult is exhausting! a vent

[PrincessMommy]

I was up until after 3am last night.. My 20yr old went on a first date to the movies. In my opinion, it started off bad. She didn't want him to come to house house (what the?????). Her brothers are home on spring break, but still.... This guy has been to Afghanistan in Iraq - he can't come to the door to pick her up?

 

So she races out the door when he comes to pick her up. I'm rather miffed. She is my most insecure child and this type of behavior just annoys me no end.

 

Anyway, the movie was at 9pm. At midnight I text her "How was the movie?" no answer.

 

at 1pm. I text. "Where are you? everything okay" - no answer

 

at 2pm - I'm getting seriously, seriously worried. I text again - no answer. I don't know this guys last name, she went in his truck and I have no idea what it looked like. Do I call the police? How in the WORLD do they figure something like this out. I'm thinking all the worst scenarios.

 

at 2:30 I call her 2x times and text. Still no answer. Should I wake up hubby? Should I call the police? My God! What has happened to my baby??!!

 

a little after 3am she walks in the door. Does she have any idea how worried I was??!! "Oops- turned my phone off for the movie and forgot to turn it back on. Went went back to his parents house and talked." Seriously?? Really?? I've been up worried sick and she just "oops". :toetap05:

I guess the good thing is I didn't go ballistic or hysterical on her. She did apologize too. But, I'm so annoyed and sleep deprived I don't know how I'm going to function today. My youngest was up before 7am. I don't think a nap is in the cards, we've got work to do at the old house. And of course, my husband slept through it all and has no clue. :glare:

[Pippen]

Was this her first ever date that you felt like you needed to stay up until she got home, or were you just worried because you'd never met the young man?

 

I'm always worried a little when my teens aren't under my roof during the late night hours and it would have bothered me that he didn't come to the door. But when I was reading about your rough night I couldn't help thinking that at age 20 I was off at college keeping late hours and meeting new people and taking care of myself without my mom knowing the details. No expectations for me to be home, and certainly no expectation for me to answer the phone while on a date since cell phones and text messaging hadn't been invented yet!:)

 

My oldest is only 18 and will be living at home for the next few years and your post made me realize I need to think some things through. I was a responsible kid so mom gave me a lot of freedom during my high school years and I really liked the sense of independence I had during my college years. Sigh...

 

I hope you got some good sleep.

Edited March 17, 2012 by Pippen

[Jennifer in MI]

I am so sorry you were up so late worrying. FWIW - I would have been up too! I'm glad to hear she apologized. At least she realizes how much she worried you.

 

New rules! Cell phone stays ON when you are out! Answer mom's texts!

 

I remember when I was home from college, I didn't have a curfew, but I did have to let my parents know when I'd be home so they didn't worry. If I was going to be late, I had to call. Common courtesy!

 

Have some coffee and hug your dd extra hard today!!!

[Lisbeth]

Does she still live at home? If so...your house, your rules. I would be setting some. ;)

[Mama Geek]

At 20 I would loosen the reigns some. Maybe make a rule to give first and last names of people she will be with, where she will be, and when she will be home. Let her do her thing, but make sure some common curtesy is involved. I got married a few weeks after turning 20 and I had lived at college away from home for a year so this seems odd to me.

[Scarlett]

when I was reading about your rough night I couldn't help thinking that at age 20 I was off at college keeping late hours and meeting new people and taking care of myself without my mom knowing the details. No expectations for me to be home, and certainly no expectation for me to answer the phone while on a date since cell phones and text messaging hadn't been invented yet!:)

 

My feeling is that no 20 year old needs to be out until 3:00 a.m. but really that is a separate issue...the issue here is lack of common courtesy toward the people you live with.

 

If I had a visiting relative that stayed out until 3:00 and didn't answer my texts or calls, I would be FURIOUS. Much more so when it is my child and I don't know where she is or who she is with.

 

I agree with the PP who said, 'mom's house, mom's rules'.

[CalicoKat]

Does she still live at home? If so...your house, your rules. I would be setting some. ;)

 

Yup. Your house, your rules.

 

I'd be a bit worried about him not coming to the door and introducing himself. I know she's 20, but I'd still bring it up and say something about it (gently). What my mom said to me when I was 18 was something like, "We'd prefer to meet the guy you're going out with. If you can't bring him to the door for a simple introduction then we worry that you're hiding something or that there's something wrong with him. And that makes us worry about you. If you're serious about a guy you will bring him for introductions, right?"

[Scarlett]

At 20 I would loosen the reigns some. Maybe make a rule to give first and last names of people she will be with, where she will be, and when she will be home. Let her do her thing, but make sure some common curtesy is involved. I got married a few weeks after turning 20 and I had lived at college away from home for a year so this seems odd to me.

 

I moved into my own apartment before I turned 18, married 3 months later and lived in a different city from my mom...and yet right this minute, at age 46, if I was to at my mom's house visiting, you can be CERTAIN that I would not stay out past bedtime without communication of some sort with her.

[PrincessMommy]

she knows I don't sleep until all my babies are home. She doesn't have a curfew since she's nearly 21. But, for the sake of courtesy she should be leaving her phone of vibrate, at least.

[Haiku]

I'm sorry that you were worried and lost sleep. But at 20, I think she's too old for repeated texts from mom and, as other posters suggested, rules about cell phone usage and guys coming to the door to introduce themselves. She deserves and is entitled to a private life. Just because she is your child and lives at home doesn't mean she is, in fact, a child.

 

Perhaps she didn't want her date to come to the door to meet mom and dad because she wanted to appears more grown up and independent?

 

ETA: I graduated from high school at 17 1/2, moved out, and started college. I had a full-time job and lived an independent life, and I survived. ;)

 

Tara

[*********]

she knows I don't sleep until all my babies are home. She doesn't have a curfew since she's nearly 21. But, for the sake of courtesy she should be leaving her phone of vibrate, at least.

 

:iagree:

 

I think there are two separate things here she needs to 'get'. First is common courtesy towards those you live with; which means letting people know what your plans are and when they change, so that those people don't worry.

 

The second thing is some dating safety. Someone responsible needs to know a few basic things about a 'new friend'. His first and last name and his cell number would be good. You don't have to put it to her like 'As far as I know this guy is an axe murderer", LOL. But what if they got in a car accident?

 

Just my thoughts.

[Pippen]

I'm sorry that you were worried and lost sleep. But at 20, I think she's too old for repeated texts from mom and, as other posters suggested, rules about cell phone usage and guys coming to the door to introduce themselves. She deserves and is entitled to a private life. Just because she is your child and lives at home doesn't mean she is, in fact, a child.

 

Totally aside, my mom was a single mom and once during my teen years she was out on a date and kept calling home to check on us. Mind you, we'd been staying home alone at night since I was 13 due to her work situation, so there really was no point to start a few years later.

 

Nothing more annoying than being woken up by a mom on a date in order to check in with her kids. ;)

[flyingiguana]

A vibrating phone makes a lot of noise. I can understand why she turned it off if she was in a movie. And how she could forget to turn it back on.

 

And 3 AM is not at all late for that age.

 

The best you can do is let her know that her being out so late with a guy you haven't met worries you so much that you can't sleep because you care about her. If you've got a good relationship, she'll see that checking in would be a courtesy.

[gardenmom5]

I have adult children.

 

she lives in your home - her age is irrelevant. she wants freedom to do whatever she wants whenever she wants, she can also have the priviledge of paying all her own bills too. (because you are subsidizing her.)

 

have you ever sat down and discussed expectations of her and her date's behavior? if not, time to do so. if yes, time for a refresher.

 

dates come to the door - especially first dates. it's just basic good manners.

 

she needs to give an expected time to be home by (even if she doesn't have a curfew) - again, just good manners.

 

I have heard of parents who set an alarm for when their children are expected home - and the child is expected to get home early enough to turn OFF the alarm so the parent isn't woken up when it goes off. ;)

 

frankly -i'd have her do alot of taking care of her younger siblings the next day - since her rude behavior kept you up. gee, she's tired because she was up so late? ces't la vie. maybe next time she'll think about how her behavior affects other people.

[Scarlett]

I have adult children.

 

she lives in your home - her age is irrelevant. she wants freedom to do whatever she wants whenever she wants, she can also have the priviledge of paying all her own bills too. (because you are subsidizing her.)

 

have you ever sat down and discussed expectations of her and her date's behavior? if not, time to do so. if yes, time for a refresher.

 

dates come to the door - especially first dates. it's just basic good manners.

 

she needs to give an expected time to be home by (even if she doesn't have a curfew) - again, just good manners.

 

I have heard of parents who set an alarm for when their children are expected home - and the child is expected to get home early enough to turn OFF the alarm so the parent isn't woken up when it goes off. ;)

 

frankly -i'd have her do alot of taking care of her younger siblings the next day - since her rude behavior kept you up. gee, she's tired because she was up so late? ces't la vie. maybe next time she'll think about how her behavior affects other people.

 

 

 

:iagree: And especially the bolded!

[PrincessMommy]

I'm sorry that you were worried and lost sleep. But at 20, I think she's too old for repeated texts from mom and, as other posters suggested, rules about cell phone usage and guys coming to the door to introduce themselves. She deserves and is entitled to a private life. Just because she is your child and lives at home doesn't mean she is, in fact, a child.

 

Perhaps she didn't want her date to come to the door to meet mom and dad because she wanted to appears more grown up and independent?

 

ETA: I graduated from high school at 17 1/2, moved out, and started college. I had a full-time job and lived an independent life, and I survived. ;)

 

Tara

 

No that's not the reason. :confused:

[Pamela H in Texas]

the issue here is lack of common courtesy toward the people you live with.

 

Yep. It really isn't about rules or whatever. It isn't about her being your kid. You had your 20 years to teach her. But when people live together, they have to communicate what is going on so loved ones (or even just roommates) can make plans, not worry, etc.

 

We had our episode when my kids were much younger. At that point, we talked about checkpoints at which to text (when they had cells) or call. It was fall so we talked about 6:30 (We often watched Wheel of Fortune back then). We also talked about any time you changed locations, got in a different car, went with different people. Wouldn't hubby and I give each other the same courtesy?

[FiveOaksAcademy]

Yes, she's an adult. But yes, she is living in YOUR home!! As long as it remains that way, she needs to, at the very least, abide by the law of common courtesy!! I would dare say she'd be scared if you left and didn't come home until 3a.m. My dh would still feel protective enough to want to meet her date, regardless of her age, because that's how we do things. Just from the fact that there are some real wackos out there, we would want to meet him and possibly pay attention to the car and tags, especially if we knew nothing about him at all. I agree with the poster who told you to have her pick up some slack today due to her rudeness at night, since you lost sleep!!

 

And no, just because she's 20, doesn't mean she should get to have her own set of rules for life. That is a right of someone who has total independence, not someone still being supported by their parents.

[PrincessMommy]

I agree with all those who say she should respect our rules. When she left she was just going to the movies. Common courtesy means she should have called to let me know she would be later than expected- especially since she knows I don't sleep well until everyone is safely home.

 

I don't normally txt her unless it's getting way later than the expected time and I just want to be reassured she is okay. She'll usually txt back that she's either on her way home or staying out later.

 

For those who think she shouldn't have to respond to my txts, etc. ... in my mind that is a roommate. She is not our roommate. She's our child. Yes, she's an adult, but she is not living under our roof as an adult. She pays no rent and pays for minimal gas money. She doesn't even pay for her phone. She is a full-time student and our agreement with all our kids is that we will pay for such things as long as they are in school full-time. We want them to concentrate on getting their education and not working lots of hours AND going to school. I did that and ended up quitting school Anyway, that is a side issue.

[Mommyof4ks]

she knows I don't sleep until all my babies are home. She doesn't have a curfew since she's nearly 21. But, for the sake of courtesy she should be leaving her phone of vibrate, at least.

 

:iagree: I had been married for two years by the time I was 21 (had my dd even lol), but if we were visiting family and would be late we would at least call (using a pay phone, because cells were not common :D). It is common courtesy to let people know where you are especially at night.

[Shellers]

I'm sorry that you were worried and lost sleep. But at 20, I think she's too old for repeated texts from mom and, as other posters suggested, rules about cell phone usage and guys coming to the door to introduce themselves. She deserves and is entitled to a private life. Just because she is your child and lives at home doesn't mean she is, in fact, a child.

 

Perhaps she didn't want her date to come to the door to meet mom and dad because she wanted to appears more grown up and independent?

 

ETA: I graduated from high school at 17 1/2, moved out, and started college. I had a full-time job and lived an independent life, and I survived. ;)

 

Tara

:iagree:

 

I have a 21 year old DD and there's no way I would be texting her or calling her while she's on a date. When she was underage yes, but certainly not at 20. I wouldn't wait up for her either.

[Jennifer in MI]

:iagree:

 

I have a 21 year old DD and there's no way I would be texting her or calling her while she's on a date. When she was underage yes, but certainly not at 20. I wouldn't wait up for her either.

 

I guess the difference for me it that she's still living at home, so there's the common courtesy thing. If I visit someone else's home, I let them know when I'll be home so they won't worry. My husband lets me know where he'll be and what time to expect him home. If he's not going to make it, he'll call or text me. It's not a control thing, it's a courtesy, I think.

 

If she weren't living at home, I think that would be a different story.

[catz]

I think it's possible that she can respect you so you don't worry and still have some freedom. I don't think getting home at 3 am for a 20 year old is that horrible. But it seems reasonable to me that she texts you at 1 am (or whenever time you'd like) if she won't be home by that time. I turn off my cell and forget to turn it back on all the time, so I get that. But if you had a common courtesy rule in place, she'd be more likely to remember.

 

I also think if you're going to live with a 20 year old, it might be time to learn to sleep while she's out of the house. :)

[kalanamak]

At 20 I would loosen the reigns some.

 

This is the Freudian slip of the day!

[catz]

This is the Freudian slip of the day!

 

:lol: Wouldn't we all!?

[Trish]

Many kids this age are away at college.

[Beth in OH]

In my experience, 20 year olds never go for several hours without checking their phones. Consider the possibility that your dd is struggling with asserting her independence without damaging her relationship with you. It is fine to say, "My house, my rules," after all, it is your house. Unfortunately, you can't control whether your adult daughter chooses to break the rules. At the end of the day, you can only cut her off financially and ask her to move out. Are you willing to go there?

 

I agree that managing the launching of young adults is hard. They are living in a very different world than the one we grew up in. (Our parents would have said the same thing.)

[Rebecca VA]

I've read far too many news stories about young women who went off in a car with an acquaintance or even a boyfriend and were never seen again. Those stories seem to happen almost every day!! Your daughter might be 20, but the fact that she is young and female can make her a target.

 

You're not being overprotective. You're guarding something of priceless value. You're doing the right thing.

[J-rap]

I know that children ages 18-20 are at the age when they want so much to be completely independent. (I say children because they are our children, even though I know they're not really "children" anymore. :) )

 

Still, as part of our family, there are certain expectations and courtesies, and as long as they are in our home, they must follow them, ESPECIALLY if you are still supporting her financially!

 

When our 20 year-old is home, she is expected to follow family rules -- helping with chores, letting us know her schedule, etc. But beyond that, if we feel she is doing something unwise or not safe, we feel it is still our obligation as her parents to sit down and talk with her about it. Personally, I feel there is little reason for a young woman that age to be out until 3am while on a first date. Of course there are exceptions to this, but YOU know your daughter and her own issues probably better than anyone.

 

It is not a control issue and it is not about strict parenting; it is more about wise and smart decision making.

 

Sure, most kids that age are off at college doing things we never hear about, and many are even married. But, to be honest, that does not make for a good argument. :)

[itsheresomewhere]

Just throwing this out there- I would never let my date come to the house the first time. My thought was you never know if they were going to be an ax murder or stalker. I would met at the place. Maybe she was doing that to be smart. It sounds like she is trying to be independent and unsure a little bit yet. Don't stay up every date. Ask her to text you sometime during her date when she thinks she will be home. Let her do this without ruining your relationship.

[Lara in Colo]

When I was a child (13) my mother and stepfather (who were not the most responsible of parents and sort of selfish), went to Mexico for the weekend, yet never told us (my brother was 19).

They just left from work and bought new clothes there.

We called every Sheriiff's department and hosptal between home and their work (there were quite a few). We worried for over 24 hours before they "checked in".

 

As a teen/young adult, I NEVER let my mother worry like that, I checked in frequently. I believe it also gave me more freedom.

[Night Elf]

:grouphug::grouphug: Honestly, I went through something similar except my dd19 fell asleep at her boyfriend's house. I cried for 3 hours while sending texts and phoning. She felt absolutely horrid when she woke up. She came home and we cried together.

 

Oh, and lest someone suggest I'm overprotective, this is my dd19 who texts me when she is out late at night just because she doesn't want me to get worried. So it was unusual for her to not contact me, hence the extreme worrying.

 

Tell her to put the phone on vibrate for a movie and keep it in her pocket.

Edited March 17, 2012 by Night Elf

[myfunnybunch]

I haven't read the entire thread, so forgive me if this has been addressed. I firmly believe this is a courtesy issue.

 

Fwiw, our foreign exchange students, all over 18 (many over 21) have always told us where they are going and when they will be home, and text us when they realize they'll be out later than they'd planned.

 

My roommate and I left notes with whereabouts and called when late when we were in college. I call or text my husband when I will be out (with the gals! :D) later than planned. It's just simple courtesy to let the people who share your life know where you are.

 

My own daughter complained about this "rule" when she came from her mom's to live with us when she was 18. To her, it was about being parented. Once we explained the above, and that to us it was an adult courtesy and a safety net, rather than a rule or asking permission, she stopped fussing. She wasn't one to stay out late anyway, but usually when she left the house she'd find one of us or call if she was later than she'd expected.

 

Cat

[swellmomma]

My feeling is that no 20 year old needs to be out until 3:00 a.m. but really that is a separate issue...the issue here is lack of common courtesy toward the people you live with.

 

If I had a visiting relative that stayed out until 3:00 and didn't answer my texts or calls, I would be FURIOUS. Much more so when it is my child and I don't know where she is or who she is with.

 

I agree with the PP who said, 'mom's house, mom's rules'.

 

:iagree:I don't care if you are an adult or not if you are under someone else's roof whether for 1 night or living there F/T you check in and let those people know you are okay and when to expect you back. Heck my parents are 54 and 58 and they still check in with each other if one is going to be out late etc.

 

Yes at 20 they can stay out until 3 am, who cares, but at least pick up the phone or text and let the people in your home know you are okay, where you are and that you will check back in later if you are not home in an our or 2 etc. It's not that hard to show some respect and courtesy.

[dragons in the flower bed]

But when I was reading about your rough night I couldn't help thinking that at age 20 I was off at college keeping late hours and meeting new people and taking care of myself without my mom knowing the details.

 

:nods: Me too. When I was twenty I was married and pregnant.

 

For grown-ups of any age and gender, a good first date safety rule is to tell someone, anyone, the name and number of who you'll be meeting. Aside from that... I'm pretty sure it's overkill to worry about a grown-up who is still out on a date at three a.m. That usually just means the date is going really well!

 

I would totally be annoyed if the date just honked and she ran out, though. That's obnoxious. Reminds me of a person whistling for their dog.

[AK_Mom4]

It is hard dealing with young adults!

I have a 20yo - it's a little different because he is off at school, but when he is home and goes out, I usually remind him to text me if his plans change so that I don't have to wonder who is wandering around the house at 3am.

[JVA]

I'm so sorry you were inconvenienced and worried. BTDT so many times so we had to institute some rules. I haven't read any of your other answers but these are things we have done.

 

The guy MUST come to the door and meet Dad/Mom/family or whomever is around....parents are a requirement. He doesn't come to the door, he doesn't get to take the dd out. Period. Doesn't matter if someone is insecure. They have to get over it. Role play it, if she's nervous. Have the teen brother act as the 'dad' and Dad as the 'date'. Laughing thru it should ease her mind. The date needs accountability to your family so, we think it's important for there to be eye contact and a shake of the hands between men. One time at our house, a certain teenage brother 'happened' to be coming down the stairs with his rifle when said date arrived. If looks could kill, he'd be a gonner- sis was peeved! We all busted up laughing after they left...and date was cool about it all....

 

The phone MUST be on all the time. If there is a show/movie/quiet event where it will be turned off, then it must be turned back ON afterwards. Maturity must be exercised. Forgetting is not an option. The date can even remind her to do this. One of ours was good about this, one was not. Wash, rinse, repeat, repeat, repeat. Oh- and if the parents needed to text (we refrained from this as much as possible)- we expect an answer. If there wasn't an answer in a reasonable amount of time, then we would call. If we didn't get an answer, our next step would be to call the establishment- restaurant, theater, friends' house. To avoid this embarrasment, the child would be sure to return the call. Ask me how we know all this. :glare: If she knows the protocol, she'll step up and respond.

 

An agreed upon curfew/return time must be figured out before they leave. Ours were required to call if that time needed to change ie: bad traffic,bad weather, dinner was served late, unexpected events. As they got older, the guys would sometimes choose to spend the night at their buddy's house. No problem....just needed to TEXT us so when we wake up in the morning and see that their car is not in the driveway, we know WHY. Otherwise, Mom's over-active brain starts imagining the WORST and she'll want to call the State Patrol. Hello.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh....we have 5 kids and have done this with 4 of them. #5 is just 15 and we'll go thru it again....with a lot less stress and sleepless nights. :tongue_smilie:

[Pippen]

:nods: Me too. When I was twenty I was married and pregnant.

 

For grown-ups of any age and gender, a good first date safety rule is to tell someone, anyone, the name and number of who you'll be meeting. Aside from that... I'm pretty sure it's overkill to worry about a grown-up who is still out on a date at three a.m. That usually just means the date is going really well!

 

 

If I'd have had a cell phone back in those days, I probably would have been turning it off while on a date. Not only do I like my privacy, I wouldn't have wanted the phone dialing home by mistake without me knowing it...;)

[tristangrace]

Just a note on the roommate vs. child debate:

 

When I was in my early 20's, I lived in an apartment here in Chicago with roommates who were also close friends, and we had debates about this issue ourselves. Some of us worried about roommates who weren't back by the middle of the night and some of us felt constrained by the idea of checking in . . . and honestly, most of us flip-flopped depending whether we were the one out or the one at home! That, to my mind, underlines that it is a courtesy issue as well as a safety issue.

[kalanamak]

Just throwing this out there- I would never let my date come to the house the first time. My thought was you never know if they were going to be an ax murder or stalker.

 

Most dates are not "blind" nor are people you've met online and who know no one you know. Most dates are friends of friends you've already met and they already know where you live. Really, you wouldn't let your older sister's best friend's younger brother pick you up at the house?

 

And, many stalkers appear very normal for awhile. How many dates before you'd let on where you live? How would you "know" it is safe?

 

But then, what do I know. I've never been on a date. I just can't believe people would go off with someone they trust so little.

[tex-mex]

I'm sorry that you were worried and lost sleep. But at 20, I think she's too old for repeated texts from mom and, as other posters suggested, rules about cell phone usage and guys coming to the door to introduce themselves. She deserves and is entitled to a private life. Just because she is your child and lives at home doesn't mean she is, in fact, a child.

 

Perhaps she didn't want her date to come to the door to meet mom and dad because she wanted to appears more grown up and independent?

 

ETA: I graduated from high school at 17 1/2, moved out, and started college. I had a full-time job and lived an independent life, and I survived. ;)

 

Tara

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

This was my first thought as well when she ran out the door to meet the guy. Shame? Embarrassment? Wanting to look "grown up"?

 

And I agree with the volume of texts -- it just appears to be controlling for a young woman who legally is an adult. Emotionally, she sounds juvenile if the OP still wields that much control?

 

At the age of 17, I left the home and never looked back. But then, I was more worldly and an old soul of 40 in a 17 year old body. :D But my mother had her times of when she wanted me to come back home to live under her rules. I didn't and survived quite nicely.

 

I suggest to treat the 20 year old like a renter. Set up a contract stating basic ground rules like a courtesy call if they will be late (so the OP can go to bed), rules like no gentlemen callers in the bedroom, she still has to do chores as part of "rent", and she gets privacy/trust from the parental units as a result. Give her room to grow. Too much control will force her to flee if it gets to be too much, IMO.

[HiddenJewel]

She needs to be given as much grace as you would like to have when you have made a mistake. Many times we end up being harder on our children than we would ever want to be treated.

 

If you have no clearly discussed your expectations with her, I would not be holding this against her as something awful that she has done. Life is about learning and at 20 you still have a lot to learn. But it needs to be done in grace and love.

[Robin M]

When I was a teenager and in the my 20's as long as I lived in my parents house, they always had a set time I needed to be home by. I respected that even though it felt foolish in front of my friends and/or date when I would call home to let them know I'd be a little late. Which was rare. And my dad had a rule. He had to meet whoever I was going out with.

 

So your house, your rules. If she is going out on a date or just with friends, she has to be home by 2:00 period (or whatever time you set) That way you know she's home and can get some sleep. Or you can go to sleep, wake up, check to see she's home and go back to bed. You don't have to wait up knowing she'll be home at a certain time.

[tex-mex]

 

I have heard of parents who set an alarm for when their children are expected home - and the child is expected to get home early enough to turn OFF the alarm so the parent isn't woken up when it goes off. ;)

 

 

BRILLIANT! :D I shall be using this tactic... LOL

[itsheresomewhere]

Most dates are not "blind" nor are people you've met online and who know no one you know. Most dates are friends of friends you've already met and they already know where you live. Really, you wouldn't let your older sister's best friend's younger brother pick you up at the house?

 

And, many stalkers appear very normal for awhile. How many dates before you'd let on where you live? How would you "know" it is safe?

 

But then, what do I know. I've never been on a date. I just can't believe people would go off with someone they trust so little.

 

I dated before the internet dating thing and never had a blind date. I just know that people can act one way and be another. To me it was safer. Maybe it was were I grew up but I plan to teach my daughter the same thing.

[Mama Geek]

This is the Freudian slip of the day!

 

It wasn't meant to be a freudian slip. Even though dd is young, I am almost 40.

[kalanamak]

I dated before the internet dating thing and never had a blind date. I just know that people can act one way and be another. To me it was safer. Maybe it was were I grew up but I plan to teach my daughter the same thing.

 

So, if the person knows where you live, why is having them pick you up at your house so dangerous? I'm trying to see how meeting them there is "safer"? Is it that you are worried they'll have the transport and you'll be dependent on them to get home?

 

Yeek, if dating is so dangerous, I'm glad I skipped it. In school, everyone was a "crowd" and you just got to know someone better by spending time with them in the crowd. No going off with a guy for some artificial activity just to get to know them better.

 

Someone else noted that it seemed like a girl goes on a date and disappears almost daily. I've never heard of that! Married women disappearing and hubby looks like he's it: yes. Man shoots wife and kids and then himself: yes. Child is grabbed on the way to school: yes. Stranger knocks on door and says he's utility, and pushes door open and rapes:yes. "The Enema Bandit" climbs in dorm windows, ties up girl, gives enema (true name and story): yes. But never "girl goes on date and is never seen again."

[kalanamak]

It wasn't meant to be a freudian slip.

 

They never are. ;)

[Dustybug]

she knows I don't sleep until all my babies are home. She doesn't have a curfew since she's nearly 21. But, for the sake of courtesy she should be leaving her phone of vibrate, at least.

 

:iagree:

 

I have adult children.

 

she lives in your home - her age is irrelevant. she wants freedom to do whatever she wants whenever she wants, she can also have the priviledge of paying all her own bills too. (because you are subsidizing her.)

 

have you ever sat down and discussed expectations of her and her date's behavior? if not, time to do so. if yes, time for a refresher.

 

dates come to the door - especially first dates. it's just basic good manners.

 

she needs to give an expected time to be home by (even if she doesn't have a curfew) - again, just good manners.

 

I have heard of parents who set an alarm for when their children are expected home - and the child is expected to get home early enough to turn OFF the alarm so the parent isn't woken up when it goes off. ;)

 

frankly -i'd have her do alot of taking care of her younger siblings the next day - since her rude behavior kept you up. gee, she's tired because she was up so late? ces't la vie. maybe next time she'll think about how her behavior affects other people.

 

great post

 

Yes, she's an adult. But yes, she is living in YOUR home!! As long as it remains that way, she needs to, at the very least, abide by the law of common courtesy!! I would dare say she'd be scared if you left and didn't come home until 3a.m. My dh would still feel protective enough to want to meet her date, regardless of her age, because that's how we do things. Just from the fact that there are some real wackos out there, we would want to meet him and possibly pay attention to the car and tags, especially if we knew nothing about him at all. I agree with the poster who told you to have her pick up some slack today due to her rudeness at night, since you lost sleep!!

 

And no, just because she's 20, doesn't mean she should get to have her own set of rules for life. That is a right of someone who has total independence, not someone still being supported by their parents.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I was still living at home at 20 and was NOT being financially supported by my mother, but still called or left a note if I was going to be out late. I also think that 3AM is too late for a young lady to be out, but call me old fashioned.

[SKL]

I guess since she apologized, there isn't much else to do at this point. The next time she goes out, let her know your specific expectations. I think it is perfectly reasonable to want to know when your daughter expects to be home and to be informed if she's going to be late - when she lives in your house.

 

I am 45 and I would give my parents that courtesy if I was hanging out at their home.