Burning with rage

[bnrmom]

I've got to get through this without sending the nasty email. I'm trying to get through this without telling my sister that she is no longer welcome in my life and never contact me again.

 

I've posted before about the long history with her. My mom had hip surgery 3 weeks ago. The past two weeks my sister has been to see her once. She never called her. I've been there every single day, running errands, going crazy busy to have her taken care of. My sister's response to why she can't do anything? "I'm busy." My mom calls her and tries to get her to do the most basic things, and it's 3 rounds of arguing. My mom asked her to pick up her mail and get her some bottled water, and the text my sister sent? "You get your water or your mail, not both. Pick one." I'm not kidding.

 

My mom lives with me, and came home last night from nursing care. She is still vomiting from the pain meds, can't get to the kitchen because her room and bathroom is downstairs and she can't use stairs yet, and still needs help with dressing and getting food and everything else. Dh and I made plans over a month ago to have dinner with some friends tonight (with the kids). I didn't want my mom left alone so she asked my sister if she would come tonight. Nope, she's busy. Then my mom asked if she would at least drop some food off for her in the afternoon before her plans. My sister argued with her through 3 rounds of phone calls about how inconvenient this was for her, when finally my mom yelled at her about not being able to deal with this right now, and hung up on her. My sister texted her and said "You make demands of me and then hang up on me? I'm not bringing you any food. Make other arrangements."

 

I've canceled my plans. I'm typing this so that I don't type the email I really want to send.

[mommaduck]

(((hugs)))

[jennsmile]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[MrsBasil]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[frugalmama]

:grouphug: I have family like that too.

[Ailaena]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Guest]

sounds like your sister needs THERAPY...bad.

[jennsmile]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Why not set up a place for your mom with a minifridge, microwave and other things like they have in hotels. They don't have to be big but it would give her some ability to take care of some meals and give her independence.

 

As for sister she sounds like she is self centered. I would stop calling her, both you and your mom, and let her figure out her life. Yes it would be wonderful if you had help but you don't.

 

Caring for older parents is never easy. I would also make sure your mom has her will arranged to reward good behavior. ;)

[Moxie]

I vote that you send it. Spoiled brat needs someone to put her in her place. But no one has ever accused me of being too nice.

[Parrothead]

Don't call your sister. Ask your mom to not call her either. She isn't worth it at the present time. Neither you nor my mom need her carp right now.

 

:grouphug:

[celticmom]

My mother had both hips replaced 2 years ago. The first in January and the second in April. I am an only child so I spent alot of time helping my mother and she also hired an assistant for when I could not be there. I think that the best way to handle things for the time being is to just pretend you are an only child and plan accordingly.

 

Another possible benefit is that if your sister is ignored by you and your mother for a while she might catch the hint that when someone is recovering from hip surgery is not the best time for juvenile power plays.

 

My mother and I have had some pretty major fights in the past. We are both strongwilled and have tempers. We had just recently started talking again when she had surgery and I helped her.

[Catwoman]

I would send the email. Why shouldnt you tell your sister how you really feel? She appears to have no trouble being honest with you.

 

People like your sister get away with being self-centered and inconsiderate because the people around them are too nice to call them on it and tell them they aren't going to deal with their nonsense any more.

 

Every time you don't say something, you're further enabling your sister for the next round.

 

She's not worth the grief. I'm sorry to say it, but if you're hoping she will some day have an epiphany and become the wonderful sister you've always wanted, you are setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.

 

Do whatever makes you feel good, and don't worry about what your sister thinks. She's not sitting around the house, worrying about your feelings.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Mothersweets]

Why not send it? Your sister sounds like a self-centered bi**h who needs to be told off.

[elegantlion]

Why not send it? Your sister sounds like a self-centered bi**h who needs to be told off.

 

:iagree: :grouphug: I'm sorry you had to change your plans.

[Carol in Cal.]

I don't defend your sister's actions, but I think that you need to get out from between your sister and your mother. Your mom lives with you, and you don't want to be the one whose strong negative expressions prevent or provide an excuse for your sister not having a relationship with her own mother.

[whitestavern]

I vote that you send it. Spoiled brat needs someone to put her in her place. But no one has ever accused me of being too nice.

 

 

:iagree:

[kalanamak]

I have learned, through that old devil experience, that people who don't want to be bothered often just make it such a PIA that you don't bother them anymore. She wants to left alone. She doesn't want to be asked. She doesn't want to help.

 

Its easier to just do it yourself. Heave a sigh, raise your chin, and mutter "living well is the best revenge" under your breath. Throw back your shoulders, go into see your mother, and smile at her.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Oh, and save the nasty email. When she needs something, send her a short sugary reason why you can't help, instead.

[black_midori]

Have you considered a chair lift for the stairs? It might not be worth it right now JUST for the surgery, but if she is already have hip problems it is certainly possible that in a short time it will be fairly necessary.

[bnrmom]

Thank you for your support. It's nice to be able to vent here, and it saved my poor dh from hearing about it any more than he already does.

 

The reason I don't want to send the email is not because it's mean - it has nothing to do with trying to be nice or not wanting to upset her. It's that I don't want to put that energy out there and invite a response from her. This is what she wants. I have not initated contact with her since she bailed on me when my mom couldn't pay her rent and had to move in here 6 months ago. She wants to engage me in this.

 

I am struggling so hard with wanting to "punish" her and "not let her get away with it." But that's the hook. There's no upside to that, other than a temporary feeling of relief. But that's also how a recovering alcoholic must feel about having a drink. That's kind of how I've been thinking about this (although I have zero experience with addiction, so what do I know).

 

And yes, we can set my mom up with a little kitchen arrangement, but she needs other help. She is vomiting from the pain meds, and needs all sorts of help dealing with that. Hopefully when we see her doctor on Wed we can try to get that sorted out, but for now I just don't feel right leaving her alone all evening.

[jennsmile]

Thank you for your support. It's nice to be able to vent here, and it saved my poor dh from hearing about it any more than he already does.

 

The reason I don't want to send the email is not because it's mean - it has nothing to do with trying to be nice or not wanting to upset her. It's that I don't want to put that energy out there and invite a response from her. This is what she wants. I have not initated contact with her since she bailed on me when my mom couldn't pay her rent and had to move in here 6 months ago. She wants to engage me in this.

 

I am struggling so hard with wanting to "punish" her and "not let her get away with it." But that's the hook. There's no upside to that, other than a temporary feeling of relief. But that's also how a recovering alcoholic must feel about having a drink. That's kind of how I've been thinking about this (although I have zero experience with addiction, so what do I know).

 

And yes, we can set my mom up with a little kitchen arrangement, but she needs other help. She is vomiting from the pain meds, and needs all sorts of help dealing with that. Hopefully when we see her doctor on Wed we can try to get that sorted out, but for now I just don't feel right leaving her alone all evening.

 

Is home health coming out at all? Can they switch pain meds? Do you have a friend from church that could come sit with her? I have granny sat before. She was so funny as she had Alzheimers and thought that she was babysitting her great grand babies who were also there. :lol:

[Mothersweets]

Vent away!

 

:grouphug: So sorry you are going through this and so sorry for your poor mom! How frustrating to be ill and not be able to care for yourself. And then on top of all that, to have a crappy daughter who is unwilling to help at all. Thank heavens she has you!

[kalanamak]

She is vomiting from the pain meds

 

 

Is she constipated???

[Princess Peach]

I would immediately disengage. No more emailing/calling/texting. She is not going to help and the only thing she will do is cause grief. She is not going to miraculously start to do the right thing.

[Grover]

Your poor mum. She must be so frustrated having to rely on you - and even more so with reaching out for help and being smacked in the face by your sister. Can you encourage your mum not to ask her for help any more, and the two of you can work it out for now?

 

I really hope she starts to feel better soon, having trouble getting round AND dealing with vomiting can't be much fun at all.

[Lisbeth]

I would immediately disengage. No more emailing/calling/texting. She is not going to help and he only thing she will do is cause grief. She is not going to miraculously start to do the right thing.

 

This. It is between mom and sis. There must be some history between them...I would get on w life...or risk understandibly devolving into a flying monkey. No one can force an adult to help. Sorry you are shouldering in on yr own.

[Melissa in Australia]

I would start immediate silent treatment. I wouldn't speak to sister, correspond with sister, or even participate in a conversation where her name comes up. I would just pretend she no longer exists.

[scrapbabe]

I have learned, through that old devil experience, that people who don't want to be bothered often just make it such a PIA that you don't bother them anymore. She wants to left alone. She doesn't want to be asked. She doesn't want to help.

 

Its easier to just do it yourself. Heave a sigh, raise your chin, and mutter "living well is the best revenge" under your breath. Throw back your shoulders, go into see your mother, and smile at her.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Oh, and save the nasty email. When she needs something, send her a short sugary reason why you can't help, instead.

 

:iagree: I also agree with another poster about getting a friend to sit with her. Maybe not this time since you've already cancelled and mom is throwing up. But for the future. I have granny sat before too. It was fun to help out and my kids had a great experience. It's ok to reach out and ask for help from non family members. But most of all :grouphug: for all that you're going through.

[Catwoman]

Your poor mum. She must be so frustrated having to rely on you - and even more so with reaching out for help and being smacked in the face by your sister. Can you encourage your mum not to ask her for help any more, and the two of you can work it out for now?

.

 

:iagree:

 

Why does your mom continue the relationship when your sister is so disrespectful and uncaring toward her? It will be difficult to cut your sister out of your life if your mom wants to stay in close touch with her.

 

The ball is in your mom's court right now.

[Laurie4b]

Here's one reason NOT to send your sister the email: she would like it. She thrives on conflict and being selfish doesn't bother her.

 

It's her moral standard: "You can pick one or the other, but not both." Nice boundary setting-eh?

 

Here's another reason: You don't sound like someone who does enjoy conflict, so while it might relieve your stress in the immediate timeframe, it would likely add to your stress eventually.

 

A third reason: there is nothing you can do to change her. There is nothing you can do to get help from her.

 

Conclusion: pretend you don't have a sister in terms of getting help with your mother. That will ease your internal tension. What would you do if she wasn't around at all? Do that. It's the expectation/hope and the resulting devastation of that hope that creates the rage. You don't have time for that right now and it won't help with the situation at hand. It would be great if you had help, but you don't.

 

I don't know about your situation, but I would be able to ask a friend from church to help me occasionally, or even set up a care calendar for our family to which church members could subscribe and sign up for things. If you decide to do this, it can be really helpful to have a need called "Errands if needed." Then someone signs up to go run errands for you that day and you contact them if you need anything.

[bettyandbob]

If I recall your previous posts correctly, I would have no further contact with your sister. Your mom can call her if she wants, but I would never suggest to mom that she should call sister to help with X, Y or Z. Perhaps your mom will stop calling her as well. However, I do not think you should tell your mother to cut off contact with her other daughter. She will have to decide herself and as a mom you've got to know that would be very difficult.

 

I would extend the no contact to holidays. I would not bother inviting her to family gatherings. And when she calls 2 days before Thanksgiving simply say you have plans and mom will be with you and you hope she has a nice holiday. And then hang up.

 

Your life will be less stressful, if you assume you will recieve no help from your sister. No money, no errands no respite, no visits. Nothing. Start from that premise and plan accordingly. If you do need help, consider what your church's helping hands group may be able to do and ask for that help (so many people are afraid to ask and that's a shame). Usually, they bring meals, but also they can run errands or provide rides.

 

Until your mom has made more of a recovery, you will likely not be going out. However, just knowing that and accepting that is much easier than depending on someone who will rarely follow through.

[Forget-Me-Not]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Is it possible to tuck your mom into bed and have the friends over to your place?

 

I'm sorry you don't have the sister you need.

[TranquilMind]

I've got to get through this without sending the nasty email. I'm trying to get through this without telling my sister that she is no longer welcome in my life and never contact me again.

 

I've posted before about the long history with her. My mom had hip surgery 3 weeks ago. The past two weeks my sister has been to see her once. She never called her. I've been there every single day, running errands, going crazy busy to have her taken care of. My sister's response to why she can't do anything? "I'm busy." My mom calls her and tries to get her to do the most basic things, and it's 3 rounds of arguing. My mom asked her to pick up her mail and get her some bottled water, and the text my sister sent? "You get your water or your mail, not both. Pick one." I'm not kidding.

 

My mom lives with me, and came home last night from nursing care. She is still vomiting from the pain meds, can't get to the kitchen because her room and bathroom is downstairs and she can't use stairs yet, and still needs help with dressing and getting food and everything else. Dh and I made plans over a month ago to have dinner with some friends tonight (with the kids). I didn't want my mom left alone so she asked my sister if she would come tonight. Nope, she's busy. Then my mom asked if she would at least drop some food off for her in the afternoon before her plans. My sister argued with her through 3 rounds of phone calls about how inconvenient this was for her, when finally my mom yelled at her about not being able to deal with this right now, and hung up on her. My sister texted her and said "You make demands of me and then hang up on me? I'm not bringing you any food. Make other arrangements."

 

I've canceled my plans. I'm typing this so that I don't type the email I really want to send.

Stop asking. She is not going to do anything.

 

You can't make her.

 

I'm sorry. Reading this kind of makes me glad that I was the only one caring for my Mom when she had to live with me. That eliminated being disappointed.

[Katiebug_1976]

I would send the email. Why shouldnt you tell your sister how you really feel? She appears to have no trouble being honest with you.

 

People like your sister get away with being self-centered and inconsiderate because the people around them are too nice to call them on it and tell them they aren't going to deal with their nonsense any more.

 

Every time you don't say something, you're further enabling your sister for the next round.

 

She's not worth the grief. I'm sorry to say it, but if you're hoping she will some day have an epiphany and become the wonderful sister you've always wanted, you are setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.

 

Do whatever makes you feel good, and don't worry about what your sister thinks. She's not sitting around the house, worrying about your feelings.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree::grouphug::grouphug: I think you might need to send her an email to let her know how you feel, just maybe give it a few days until you have cooled off a little and can send a true heartfelt email, not one out of anger. I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through. Having family that doesn't care is very frustrating! I hope it gets better for you...:grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Why not set up a place for your mom with a minifridge, microwave and other things like they have in hotels. They don't have to be big but it would give her some ability to take care of some meals and give her independence.

 

As for sister she sounds like she is self centered. I would stop calling her, both you and your mom, and let her figure out her life. Yes it would be wonderful if you had help but you don't.

 

Caring for older parents is never easy. I would also make sure your mom has her will arranged to reward good behavior. ;)

 

In red: this is the set up my mom has in her bedroom/sitting room/and huge bathroom in my sisters house where she lives. Without the nonsense of a daughter who won't help (in our case, that would be me, but I help).

 

Right now, your mom needs the attention and you need to push your sister off the radar and operate as is she doesn't exist.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Geo]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I would also make sure your mom has her will arranged to reward good behavior. ;)

 

 

Ew!

[Joanne]

I was going to simply offer hugs, but 3 pages into it, there is a lot of advice.

 

So, I will give mine.

 

Your sister seems to be a selfish, immature brat. However, continuing to expect any *other* kind of behavior from her on yours or your mom's part is hurting you. It is setting you both up for anger, resentment, and frustration.

 

Move on with planning your lives and for your needs completely, totally, without your sister. Yes, she *should* share some of this burden. But, instead, getting her to do so adds to your burden.

 

So, don't bother. Let her go, and free your own heart and mind by finding other ways to get your needs met.

[Dolphin]

It is hard, but I would go into the mode of not contacting her and just being polite when she contacts back. You can not change other people, you can only change the way you react to them. It sounds like she likes to seem like she is put upon, don't give her that. If she wants to know how your mom is, she can call. If she asks to help, you are fine, you don't need her.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:It is never easy dealing with a difficult situation.

[Word Nerd]

Here's one reason NOT to send your sister the email: she would like it. She thrives on conflict and being selfish doesn't bother her.

 

It's her moral standard: "You can pick one or the other, but not both." Nice boundary setting-eh?

 

Here's another reason: You don't sound like someone who does enjoy conflict, so while it might relieve your stress in the immediate timeframe, it would likely add to your stress eventually.

 

A third reason: there is nothing you can do to change her. There is nothing you can do to get help from her.

 

Conclusion: pretend you don't have a sister in terms of getting help with your mother. That will ease your internal tension. What would you do if she wasn't around at all? Do that. It's the expectation/hope and the resulting devastation of that hope that creates the rage. You don't have time for that right now and it won't help with the situation at hand. It would be great if you had help, but you don't.

 

I don't know about your situation, but I would be able to ask a friend from church to help me occasionally, or even set up a care calendar for our family to which church members could subscribe and sign up for things. If you decide to do this, it can be really helpful to have a need called "Errands if needed." Then someone signs up to go run errands for you that day and you contact them if you need anything.

 

:iagree: I wouldn't send an email of any kind, and I would not initiate any further communication with her at all.

 

OP, I'm sorry you and your mom are dealing with so much right now. :grouphug:

Edited January 28, 2012 by WordGirl

[momma aimee]

I've got to get through this without sending the nasty email. I'm trying to get through this without telling my sister that she is no longer welcome in my life and never contact me again.

 

I've posted before about the long history with her. My mom had hip surgery 3 weeks ago. The past two weeks my sister has been to see her once. She never called her. I've been there every single day, running errands, going crazy busy to have her taken care of. My sister's response to why she can't do anything? "I'm busy." My mom calls her and tries to get her to do the most basic things, and it's 3 rounds of arguing. My mom asked her to pick up her mail and get her some bottled water, and the text my sister sent? "You get your water or your mail, not both. Pick one." I'm not kidding.

 

My mom lives with me, and came home last night from nursing care. She is still vomiting from the pain meds, can't get to the kitchen because her room and bathroom is downstairs and she can't use stairs yet, and still needs help with dressing and getting food and everything else. Dh and I made plans over a month ago to have dinner with some friends tonight (with the kids). I didn't want my mom left alone so she asked my sister if she would come tonight. Nope, she's busy. Then my mom asked if she would at least drop some food off for her in the afternoon before her plans. My sister argued with her through 3 rounds of phone calls about how inconvenient this was for her, when finally my mom yelled at her about not being able to deal with this right now, and hung up on her. My sister texted her and said "You make demands of me and then hang up on me? I'm not bringing you any food. Make other arrangements."

 

I've canceled my plans. I'm typing this so that I don't type the email I really want to send.

 

no email. no calls, not text. put her on ignore -- and forget she is even alive.

 

you and mom BOTH cut sister out of life 100%. do not tell her. do not feed her the conflict she lives on. just forget about her.

 

and move on -- people like that are not worth the effort .... sister is a non-family member now.

 

Just me, i do not put up with BS. DNA is no excuse to have rude hateful people in your life you can't count on.

 

just forget her, delete emails, text and do not answer her phone calls. she simply is a random stranger now.

[delaney]

If she can be that way about her own mother then I need to ask how has the relationship been in the past? If they weren't close to begin with then I would expect this type of "who cares" attitude. If this is something sudden then it might be worth addressing. Honestly my mom has done a lot for me in terms of being a grandma to my kids but other than that I really feel no affection for her. Would I help her if she had hip surgery? Yes I would but only because I would feel guilty and not want to set a bad example for my kids.

[3peasinWa]

I'm sorry for what you all are going through. I don't think I'd want my sister watching my mom though - she sounds mean & I don't know that she'd take good care of her.

[Catwoman]

Ew!

 

:confused::confused::confused:

[mirth]

:grouphug: I would simply stop fueling this fire for a while. Don't view anything as livelong decisions ("cutting out of life", etc.) There is some strange dynamic between at least 2 of the 3 people you've mentioned, and it needs to be starved out. Ignore the texts and emails for a while. Ok, block if you must. Ask your mother to stop contacting her. If she won't (which sounds key), then ask your mother not to complain to you about her other daughter's non-actions. It obviously amounts to nothing tangible, and is a waste of time and energy for everyone who has to process and analyze it. Basically, until I saw some peach cobbler and new magazines at the front door, I'd have nothing to say.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

oh man..... :grouphug:

[JVA]

Sorry to say, but narcissists RARELY change. They don't think they are/have the problem- it's the rest of the world that's wrong. Believe me, it's not worth the energy to try to reason with her or change her. We finally had to cut all contact with the SIL im our life who has NPD....we aren't real popular with the rest of the family but then they all enabled her. Very sad. I'm sorry you don't think you can go out with your friends....couldn't someone come and stay with your mom while you're gone...someone she's comfortable with or a someone with medical experience that could put your mom at ease. I'm sorry she's feeling crummy- it's no fun. Ignore your sister and eliviate at least that stressor from your lives. Stop expecting or hoping she'll grow up. She probably won't. :grouphug:

[eternalknot]

:grouphug: I would simply stop fueling this fire for a while. Don't view anything as livelong decisions ("cutting out of life", etc.) There is some strange dynamic between at least 2 of the 3 people you've mentioned, and it needs to be starved out. Ignore the texts and emails for a while. Ok, block if you must. Ask your mother to stop contacting her. If she won't (which sounds key), then ask your mother not to complain to you about her other daughter's non-actions. It obviously amounts to nothing tangible, and is a waste of time and energy for everyone who has to process and analyze it. Basically, until I saw some peach cobbler and new magazines at the front door, I'd have nothing to say.

 

:iagree:

 

I'd even tell her, "Look. I'm pissed and I'm taking a time out (from you). Starting yesterday. I need some time/space and to focus my energies on something more productive (like Mom)."

 

 

(((hugs))) My heart sincerely hurts when I hear of families like this. I have a lot of brothers and sisters, all personality types and stages of maturity. I'd feel hurt, disappointed, angry, and sad if they weren't around when the family needed them most. There's a time to put everything aside and rally together :( maybe she's grieving/dealing with her own stuff right now and can't see the forest for the trees. I hope that whatever is fueling her, gets put out fast - if not for her sake, then at least for the family's.

[Janie Grace]

:iagree:

 

I'd even tell her, "Look. I'm pissed and I'm taking a time out (from you). Starting yesterday. I need some time/space and to focus my energies on something more productive (like Mom)."

 

 

:iagree:

I don't think you should "go off" or enter into a back-and-forth with her. But I think she should know her actions/inaction have consequences.

[Peri]

Don't call your sister. Ask your mom to not call her either. She isn't worth it at the present time. Neither you nor my mom need her carp right now.

 

:grouphug:

:iagree:

 

:grouphug:

[Deb in NZ]

I have been on the recieving end of emails / phone calls such as what you want to send (not that I have behaved as your sister has).

---I have a sister who sent me an email requesting no further contact EVER. There was no real event/set of events that prompted this. This hurt my mother most of all as I had to tell her why I would not be sending presents, etc. for this sister & her family to respect my sister's wishes. This sister & I had never really been close, so it actually simplified matters for me, but I would have never formally asked for no contact.

---My s-i-l phoned one evening to tell me off for not phoning my m-i-l when she had been ill. I am not one to phone people every week, etc. I do phone occasionally, but usually for a purpose, not to just catch-up. It just isn't my style. When asked for help, I do help, but I tend not not impose on others unless asked. This s-i-l lived 3 hrs south of us, while we live 20 minutes away from m-i-l. We are the only ones in the family still with school-age children, but have been the main support for both m-i-l & her partner as well as f-i-l as they get older. S-i-l did not want to listen & would not lay off. I finally had to put dh on the phone as I was livid at being told how I should act in my relationships with others. This phonecall caused a lot of stress in my relationships with dh's family.

 

Sometimes there is more going on in someone else's life that we are not aware of. We can only control our relationships with people, not other people's relationships with others.

 

In your case I would suggest you make arrangements for your mother's care without expecting any help from your sister. Her relationship with your mother is not connected to your relationship with your mother. Let your mother continue her relationship with your sister as your mother wants, she is your mother's daughter. Don't send the email as it will only put more stress in an already stressfull relationship, it won't make your sister feel guilty & help out.

 

 

:grouphug: it is hard caring for elderly parents, but know that your mother feels blessed to have you want to care for her.

[dsmith]

I would completely count her out of future plans, decisions, etc. She has shown herself to care only about herself and obviously can’t be relied on. She can’t be factored into the equation at all. It will only lead to disappointment. My sister spent so much energy being mad at my brothers for not visiting my mom or helping out much when she was ill. She lectured them, sent emails and texts, etc. and none of it made them see any differently. Now that my mom is no longer with us, they have to live with the guilt. My one brother has decided that instead of feeling guilty he is going to be mad at my sister and I, and cause irritation with the estate. Once everything is settled, I am sure I will never see him again. It’s very sad, especially when I think of how close we were when I was young.