Burning with rage

[Harriet Vane]

I was going to simply offer hugs, but 3 pages into it, there is a lot of advice.

 

So, I will give mine.

 

Your sister seems to be a selfish, immature brat. However, continuing to expect any *other* kind of behavior from her on yours or your mom's part is hurting you. It is setting you both up for anger, resentment, and frustration.

 

Move on with planning your lives and for your needs completely, totally, without your sister. Yes, she *should* share some of this burden. But, instead, getting her to do so adds to your burden.

 

So, don't bother. Let her go, and free your own heart and mind by finding other ways to get your needs met.

 

:iagree:

[bnrmom]

Yep, I'm just going to have to move forward as if she doesn't exist. It's unfuriating, considering how many countless hours I've spent supporting her through her own dramas, and then as soon as I need something from her she bails. But whatever. Nothing I can do about it. I get pretty depressed, though, because this is the beginning of my mom's old age, and it's become entirely clear that it is going to be 100% my responsibility. My mom has no money and no assets, so it's going to take a lot of sacrifice on our part to support her through this stage of her life.

 

Now I've got to figure out how to talk to the kids about this. They have heard enough to know that something is going on with Aunt A, and they know I'm pissed, but I haven't really filled them in on what's happening.

 

This is a sensitive topic for me, because neither of my parents had a relationship with any of their extended family. I never really knew my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My dad in particular was very quick to cut out anyone in his life who crossed him.

 

Anyhow, I never wanted to be that type of person, and I never wanted my kids to experience people in their lives just disappearing on them. So I really want to talk to them about my sister so they aren't left wondering what happened.

[gardenmom5]

feel free to vent, many of us have such siblings and can comiserate and understand what you and your mother are going through. :grouphug:

 

I would not send the e-mail - it's not worth it. falls under "don't try and teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig". as a PP said, narcissts are NEVER "wrong", everyone else is. they are not teachable, they are not capable change, and what's more, they don't want to change. no matter what you say, it will fall on deaf ears.

 

I don't defend your sister's actions, but I think that you need to get out from between your sister and your mother. Your mom lives with you, and you don't want to be the one whose strong negative expressions prevent or provide an excuse for your sister not having a relationship with her own mother.

:iagree: I would also refuse to listen to your mother complain about your sister. if she chooses to call and ask sister for things and get's rebuffed in such a horrid manner, she will have to deal with the sister being so obnoxious.

 

Oh, and save the nasty email. When she needs something, send her a short sugary reason why you can't help, instead.

:iagree: people who live for conflict, are driven NUTS by sugary sweetness. makes them positively insane. after all, what is there to legitmately complain about? ;)

 

I am struggling so hard with wanting to "punish" her and "not let her get away with it." But that's the hook. There's no upside to that, other than a temporary feeling of relief.

 

you are absolutely correct, it might make you feel good about telling her off - briefly - but it won't change her, but probably will make her even more of a pain.

 

some pp's have made a great suggestion of having someone from church, or your neighborhood "grannysit". but I do understand when she's struggling as much as she is, you'd want family.

 

Why does your mom continue the relationship when your sister is so disrespectful and uncaring toward her? It will be difficult to cut your sister out of your life if your mom wants to stay in close touch with her.

 

The ball is in your mom's court right now.

I can answer for why my mother didn't cut my brother out. it is a significant thing for a parent to cut off a child - no matter how difficult. No matter what, they are still their child, and they love them. they keep hoping they will change. My brother is NPD, he bullied my mother and treated her like garbage, and even though I had all the PoA's, trustee, etc., he NEVER stopped causing trouble even with me AFTER she had died. (we've had to bring in our lawyer). She'd even tell me I was right, but she just couldn't stop contact with him. I was looking into what I had to do to forcefully sever their relationship due to elder abuse. the only thing slowing me down, was I knew how much it would upset my mother. It was only a couple months later it was a moot point.

 

I would extend the no contact to holidays. I would not bother inviting her to family gatherings. And when she calls 2 days before Thanksgiving simply say you have plans and mom will be with you and you hope she has a nice holiday. And then hang up.

 

Your life will be less stressful, if you assume you will recieve no help from your sister. No money, no errands no respite, no visits. Nothing. Start from that premise and plan accordingly. If you do need help, consider what your church's helping hands group may be able to do and ask for that help (so many people are afraid to ask and that's a shame). Usually, they bring meals, but also they can run errands or provide rides.

.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:EXCELLENT advice!

 

Yep, I'm just going to have to move forward as if she doesn't exist. It's unfuriating, considering how many countless hours I've spent supporting her through her own dramas, and then as soon as I need something from her she bails. But whatever. Nothing I can do about it. . . . . Now I've got to figure out how to talk to the kids about this. They have heard enough to know that something is going on with Aunt A, and they know I'm pissed, but I haven't really filled them in on what's happening.

keep it simple, keep it vague. they are still young. I could tell my adult children why there is no more contact with Uncle S (and they celebrated 'cause they couldn't stand him), but dudeling thought he was fun and I wanted to be careful with what I said.

Anyhow, I never wanted to be that type of person, and I never wanted my kids to experience people in their lives just disappearing on them. So I really want to talk to them about my sister so they aren't left wondering what happened.

:grouphug: I'm so sorry you are having to deal wtih this. It's a painful lesson to learn sometimes you do have to cut people off. but it is not to be made lightly, and I don't think you are.

[Unicorn.]

I vote that you send it. Spoiled brat needs someone to put her in her place. But no one has ever accused me of being too nice.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

[OrganicAnn]

Maybe not now since it is all too raw, but instead of cutting your sister out of your life I would suggest a totally different tactic. I would would occasionally send her bright cheery emails about you, your family and your mom. Never ask her to do anything or participate in anything, but make it sound like you are enjoying life and having fun without her (which I hope you are). Even your mom's recovery can be included - things like "It makes me feel so good that mom's making a little progress" and "my church friends all admire how I've had mom with us during this time". "Mrs. Jones dropped by to visit Mom. I hadn't seen her since they moved." But never never ever make it about your sister. Always keep the focus on you, your family or your mom and always keep it positive.

 

Even worse that ignoring a narcissist is having fun or getting attention that they aren't a part of.

[love2read]

Question---growing up did your sister feel that your mother favored you or disapproved of her? If that is the case, and even if you don't believe your sister was not the favored one, there may be more going on than her being a spoiled brat.

[LucyStoner]

The reason I don't want to send the email is not because it's mean - it has nothing to do with trying to be nice or not wanting to upset her. It's that I don't want to put that energy out there and invite a response from her. This is what she wants.

 

This is very wise of you. I was in the exact same spot with my brother when my mother was dying- he just would not do anything to help and turned even the smallest requests (like asking his spouse to use their employee discount to get a walker for mom with money we provided or taking mom to the doctor when I was sick and caring for 2 sick kids, including a newborn) into huge drama opportunities for himself. Life is too short. I decided that I was done with drama and stopped participating. Made my life way easier. Telling him off would not have done anything to make my life less difficult, just distracted me from caring for the people who really mattered- my immediate family and my mom. I did not prevent him from seeing my mom or anything- he finally showed up and was helpful the couple of weeks before she died.

 

I am so much happier now that I don't let him play his stupid games with me.

[annandatje]

I have learned, through that old devil experience, that people who don't want to be bothered often just make it such a PIA that you don't bother them anymore. She wants to left alone. She doesn't want to be asked. She doesn't want to help.

 

Its easier to just do it yourself. Heave a sigh, raise your chin, and mutter "living well is the best revenge" under your breath. Throw back your shoulders, go into see your mother, and smile at her.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Oh, and save the nasty email. When she needs something, send her a short sugary reason why you can't help, instead.

 

:iagree: Been there, done that. Your sister does not and will not experience guilt or remorse for failing to do her duty for your mother. A nasty email only gives her perceived validation to continue feeling put upon. You will hurt only yourself by holding on to the anger. Go about life as if you were your mother's only child. Some problems do not have solutions. I am sorry for you; I know it is difficult.

[mom32boys]

So sorry for what you're going through! From personal experience, I totally understand NOT writing that email. Had something similar happen with bil and sil - I made the mistake of writing an email telling them how horribly they were treating other family members. They just viewed my email as fuel to attack me and call ME the bad guy for finally (afters years of horrid, rude, and selfish behavior) calling them out. It wasn't worth the time and effort and just made me more upset.

 

Glad your mom has you :), but I'm sorry you're in such a hard position.

:grouphug: Julie

[bnrmom]

Question---growing up did your sister feel that your mother favored you or disapproved of her? If that is the case, and even if you don't believe your sister was not the favored one, there may be more going on than her being a spoiled brat.

 

Oh, her story about how I have everything and she has nothing is long. Both parents loved me more, they treated me better, they think that I'm more important because I have kids and she doesn't, etc. - I am so tired of hearing this from her I could scream. Even her long time therapist finally told her that she had to stop focusing on me and work on her individual relationships with her parents. So she switched therapists.

 

She's got a serious, almost obsessive issue with me. On one hand, I'm the only stable, supportive, sane person who's consistently been there for her her entire life, and I'm the first call she makes when something is wrong. (My dad is emotionally abusive/unavailable and my mom went through a period of being very unstable with money and housing and the like, which was tough when we were young.) On the other hand, everything is my fault, and she'll never get enough because I already have everything. Every single time my mom has an issue with her, my sister immediately brings me into it, even if I had absolutely nothing to do with it! It's frustrating for everyone.

[kalanamak]

On the other hand, everything is my fault, and she'll never get enough because I already have everything.

 

I've seen this: one sibling sinks, the other swims.

It sounds like she needs some tough love. She isn't terminally ill or old or DD. She needs to learn she can't rely on help from people she is mean to.

She may also have gotten more of your dad's mood genes than you did.

 

What a bummer. I bid you strength.

[gardenmom5]

Question---growing up did your sister feel that your mother favored you or disapproved of her? If that is the case, and even if you don't believe your sister was not the favored one, there may be more going on than her being a spoiled brat.

 

for some people - it's their nature and it is always something. If it's not one thing, it's another.

[gardenmom5]

So she switched therapists.

:lol: that's one way to get what she wants. I don't mean to make light of this, I have this type in my family so I understand the frustration . . . . actually, that's why I can laugh. btdtgtts.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I vote that you send it. Spoiled brat needs someone to put her in her place. But no one has ever accused me of being too nice.

:iagree:Same here. I have taken an unbelievable amount of Bull Stuff from my sister and still speak to her. If she ever tried this that would be it. The thing is, even as messed up as my sister is she would never do this to our mom, me yes, mom? Never. I think you and your mother should distance yourselves from her for a long while. She may in time figure out what's really important in life...

[Trish]

Sorry! You're doing a lot for your mom. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

However, you have to sort of pretend that your sister doesn't exist.

 

That would be much easier all the way around.

[Mrs Mungo]

Pretend your sister lives far away and cannot help. Because that is what it means to be emotionally unavailable. Being angry about it isn't going to help. Can you get some respite help? A nurse one day a week? Hire someone to run small errands for you? Find a babysitter who wouldn't mind some light housekeeping?

 

There are other possible options. Expecting anything from your sister needs to stop being an option.

:grouphug:

[eight_gregorys]

:grouphug:

 

I have a sister like this and we are going through something very similar. She places the same claim on me that your sister does on you. I'm the "favorite". I get "everything". "No one cares about her." Blah....blah....nonsense. She hurts everyone around her. It stinks.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Your mom is so blessed to have a daughter who is willing to go the extra mile for her.

 

I also truly believe you reap what you sow....and your sister will learn that probably the hard way.