I am distraught. RAD related

[Denisemomof4]

I have yet again called all around NH and have exhausted ALL options for a RAD therapist. AGAIN. In the past we paid out of pocket for services, $120 per week. This time around we can NOT do it. We have a son in college, and I do NOT feel comfortable pouring our savings into therapy when it hasn't truly helped. Like everything I've done, things only improve for a period of time.

 

Since there is NO RAD therapist in NH who will take my insurance, not to mention I doubt the very few who CLAIM to have experience actually do, (and even if we DID pay out of pocket for one, they will coach ME and won't even treat dd. i haven't found a single person in the state of NH who will treat HER) I guess dd12 and I will have to settle for a family therapist. We need help and support. We can't do this on our own anymore. I hope I can find someone we like that at least has SOME knowledge of RAD. I *need* him/her to be able to understand. Everything Ive ever read, anyone I've ever spoken to, tell me she's only going to get worse as a teen. I've already been checking into therapeutic high schools. She will turn 9 in March.

 

Dd and I desperately need a break from her. We were going to go away for the day tomorrow but there is going to be an ice storm. Now we will have to wait another week.

 

I put little information about what dd actually DOES on the web. I share more with my adoption forums when I'm active in them, and I dump on my poor friends all the time.

 

 

I'm so stressed and overwhelmed I can't even look at my dd.

 

We only allow soft things in dd's room otherwise she will ruin her room. All decorations are very high off the ground so she can't reach them. She has a few dolls and several stuffed animals. She asked me recently if she could have ONE other thing in her room, her pig clock. She SAID (lied) that she wanted this so she could tell time. It's one of those old fashioned types where the bell alarm rings on top. It has two legs. She unscrewed the leg and must have hidden it in her pants or underwear waist. Although she is with me every second she is out of her room, I make sure there is NOTHING around her she can grab and cause damage with. Well, since we got our kitchen remodeled, I have her stand right outside it while I do dishes. New construction is her favorite victim. Ask me how i know. I can see her reflection in the window and I constantly turn my head to make sure she's not ruining anything. She's VERY sneaky. She always has been. I guess she waited until I bent down to load a dish in the dishwasher and then struck quickly. First I noticed the 5 inch gouge out of my cabinet I'm refinishing, then the wood floors. Dh went into her room and looked all around. When he picked up the clock, one leg fell off. She had unscrewed it and set it there perfectly so that the clock looked undisturbed. I'm so glad he picked up that clock. SHe likely placed that leg in a way so that when she heard us turn off her door alarm she could run and grab that leg, knowing that we dont go in her room in the morning.

 

Today I noticed the new barstools. First I noticed the leather all scratched up. It's not ruined, but the scratches will ALWAYS be there now. Then yesterday I noticed the legs. They're ruined. She must have had that leg for awhile because there is NO WAY she had time to do that much damage while I was loading a dishwasher once.

 

RUINED.

 

I've been fighting back tears for a few days. I don't let her be aware of it, that will only feed into her sickness.

 

I am so tired of sanding down and refinishing, repairing drywall and then repainting, replacing drywall, replacing furniture. At least dd and dh could used to help with bathroom duty. No more. I will have to stand right there with her so that she doesn't continue on with her destruction. The downstairs bathroom has to be repaired in so may places where she picked the drywall off, the entire thing needs to be repainted.

 

I AM WORN OUT.

 

Whine, whine, whine. Blah, blah, blah.

 

This is just too hard sometimes. I can't wait until she turns 18 and I can live in peace.

[*********]

Wow. Denise, I really can't imagine.

 

My goodness, I had no idea. You really don't share much detail here about what sorts of things you deal with regarding your dd; I just knew in vague terms that she has RAD. I'd never even heard of RAD before 'meeting' you.

 

(That's not to sound accusatory, like I think you SHOULD be sharing more detail about your struggles with your dd. I'm just saying I really had no idea what day-to-day life with a RAD child was like.)

 

Come to think of it, wow. I just had a lighbulb moment. My sister foster/adopted my niece when she was six or so. She has a lot of those destructive type behaviors. To say that my sister and her are not 'bonded' would be the understatement of the century. Hunh. Wonder if my sister knows anything about RAD.

 

:grouphug: to you, dear. That must be exhausting sometimes.

[Guest]

I am so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. :grouphug: I can't imagine how sad and stressful this whole situation is for you.

 

Are there medications/prescriptions that could help dd? I really don't know anything about the treatment of RAD, except that it is hard to treat. Do you have access to a social worker from her adoption or another venue that could help you find assistance?

 

Oh, honey, I am just so sorry. :grouphug:

[misslissa]

Have you gone through Karyn Purvis' materials? We're doing some pre-training for an intensive training right now and have found her stuff amazing. You can buy her DVDs at http://child.tcu.edu and there are free resources at http://www.empoweredtoconnect.org . From what you've described, I would recommend her video series with her book. The resources at ETC may not be thorough enough.

Hugs! I partially feel your pain.

[Twigs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Dmmetler]

:grouphug:

 

Have you looked at any of the constructive discipline/Becky Bailey stuff? Your DD may be too old, but I know that it was recommended for RAD kids at one of the conferences I went to, and that it was helpful for one of my internationally adopted students (although he was only 4 at the time).

 

I hope you find the right person who can help.

[houseofkids&pets]

:grouphug::grouphug: I cannot even begin to imagine what your life is like. All I can say is that I am so sorry this is happening. I hope that someone on this board has some real advice to offer you. All I can offer is virtual hugs and a sympathetic ear-you deserve both.

[Word Nerd]

:grouphug:

[Ailaena]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[jillian]

First of all I can't read and run so *hugs*.

 

Do you have any respite care opportunities?

[Whereneverever]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Wow. Denise, I really can't imagine.

 

My goodness, I had no idea. You really don't share much detail here about what sorts of things you deal with regarding your dd; I just knew in vague terms that she has RAD. I'd never even heard of RAD before 'meeting' you.

 

(That's not to sound accusatory, like I think you SHOULD be sharing more detail about your struggles with your dd. I'm just saying I really had no idea what day-to-day life with a RAD child was like.)

 

Come to think of it, wow. I just had a lighbulb moment. My sister foster/adopted my niece when she was six or so. She has a lot of those destructive type behaviors. To say that my sister and her are not 'bonded' would be the understatement of the century. Hunh. Wonder if my sister knows anything about RAD.

 

:grouphug: to you, dear. That must be exhausting sometimes.

 

Thanks, sweetie. I know I don't share much here so nobody who only knows about RAD because of what I say here really doesn't know much at all.

 

Your sister may live in an area with many more resources available to her. Please share about RAD. I had to do research on my own because doctors had no clue that something was terribly wrong with dd, even though I told them something was.

[MomatHWTK]

If you are looking into medications, let me know. My son has a different diagnosis but starting at age 9-10 we had to begin therapy and medication.

[EJCMom]

:grouphug:

[KS_]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Abeth78]

Would you be willing to chat with some on the phone? My mom has 3 very RAD kids I have grown up with them one is 25. The other two very young yet. All with very difficult adoption backgrounds.

 

My sister and i actually have gone in to professions related to RAD. My sister is a behavioral therapist and well the whole family is very educated after 26 years of it.

 

I could write a novel here but I won't... I truly understand your pain...and my mother still lives it daily. She also home schooled one of the 3. Currently the other two are in school. For better or worse we are not sure.

 

If you would not feel awkward chatting with a stranger on the phone pleas PM me?

 

Bottom line you should NOT have to do this alone. There are so few RAD therapists out there and even fewer truly GOOD ones.

 

Hugs and would love to chat.

 

Elizabeth

[NorthwestMom]

I can't imagine how hard this is for all of you.

 

:grouphug:

[East Coast Sue]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

There is no medication to help RAD. I would put her on ANYTHING so that the rest of us could live more peacefully.

[Abeth78]

Oh and honestly it has to be part medication, part behavioral modification, and part plain old lock down in the parents part. So hard.

 

I can test to the teen years getting more difficult. Oh the heart ache my mother hs been through with my 25 yr old brother... And we are entering it with my younger two siblings as they hit puberty.

 

I know that unless you've been there there is not way anyone can understand.

:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Would you be willing to chat with some on the phone? My mom has 3 very RAD kids I have grown up with them one is 25. The other two very young yet. All with very difficult adoption backgrounds.

 

My sister and i actually have gone in to professions related to RAD. My sister is a behavioral therapist and well the whole family is very educated after 26 years of it.

 

I could write a novel here but I won't... I truly understand your pain...and my mother still lives it daily. She also home schooled one of the 3. Currently the other two are in school. For better or worse we are not sure.

 

If you would not feel awkward chatting with a stranger on the phone pleas PM me?

 

Bottom line you should NOT have to do this alone. There are so few RAD therapists out there and even fewer truly GOOD ones.

 

Hugs and would love to chat.

 

Elizabeth

 

Oh my gosh I've done this so many times. I used Heather Forbes, Consciously Parenting, other RAD moms, including who has adopted 16 kids from disrupted adoptions. I know all the right stuff to do, I just feel that this time I've lost the ability to deal with it. I guess part of that is because I'm consumed with trying to get answers for my other dd's puzzling medical issues.

 

There is no respite care available to us. I could only leave her with someone knowledgeable with RAD.

 

Off to get Buddy from the vet. He finally got his stitches removed today.

[beck]

If you haven't already, check out the blog "Watching the Waters". Corey Waters is the RAD mom who wrote it (she stopped blogging in October). Her email is on the blog & I'm pretty sure she lives in New Hampshire. She would know if there are any resources to be had up there.

 

She also started annual retreats for mamas parenting kids 'from the hard places'. I haven't actually been, though I've dreamed about it. No one who isn't doing it can possibly understand just how hard it can be. I hope you're able to find some help for your daughter & for you.

[Abeth78]

There is no medication to help RAD. I would put her on ANYTHING so that the rest of us could live more peacefully.

 

Actually with my younger two siblings there are some medications that have helped. THEY themselves have to choose to want to heal AND they have to have the right therapy to be even able to climb that hurtle.

 

Did you know about RAD before she was adopted? Yu should qualify for respite care stuff.

[WillametteMom]

:grouphug: I'm praying for you, your dd, and your whole family.

[Hilltop]

:grouphug:

[Abeth78]

Oh my gosh I've done this so many times. I used Heather Forbes, Consciously Parenting, other RAD moms, including who has adopted 16 kids from disrupted adoptions. I know all the right stuff to do, I just feel that this time I've lost the ability to deal with it. I guess part of that is because I'm consumed with trying to get answers for my other dd's puzzling medical issues.

 

There is no respite care available to us. I could only leave her with someone knowledgeable with RAD.

 

Off to get Buddy from the vet. He finally got his stitches removed today.

 

I'm so sorry. I know my mom feels the same way. She knows all the right stuff to do too. But sometimes there is not enough support in the WORLD to recover from burnout.

[chiguirre]

New construction is her favorite victim.

 

I am so tired of sanding down and refinishing, repairing drywall and then repainting, replacing drywall, replacing furniture.

 

I AM WORN OUT.

 

This is just too hard sometimes. I can't wait until she turns 18 and I can live in peace.

 

:grouphug:

 

I'm right there with you, although my destroyer is principally GW with an occasional assist from Geezle. Dh and I have thrown in the towel. We have GW spackle his holes but we won't repaint until he's in a residential placement. Ditto the furniture unless it's something we can't live without. Our house is a wreck, but after a while it just fades into the background. When I get really down, I remind myself that we don't actually have to sign the guardianship papers when he's 18.

[TheTwinsMom1]

:grouphug:

 

My kids don't have RAD, but they do have some severe issues with similar issues to what you described, I hate putting up drywall :( Just wanted to give you a hug and let you know that you are not alone, sadly so many don't understand and it's a very lonely place as a parent to be.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Some other ideas, some of which I know you know....

 

Maybe Keck's people can point you in the right direction for a therapist?

Maybe Forbe's, Purvis', or Post's people can?

Does the agency have any ideas? Maybe another agency will?

What about some place like adoptuskids.org and other such related places?

 

When you described the above, it reminded me of my first foster son. It was so incredibly challenging. He couldn't be left long enough for me to pee (not counting time to wash hands as I figured I could do that in the kitchen). But even my kids can't be left for any longer a period of time. One time, I walked from the livingroom where I had been watching them out back to the front of the house (seeing what hubby was doing and thankfully he was BUSY so I didn't say anything to him) and when I got back, literally a min later, there was scary trouble. My house is not THAT big! And I told you my frustration recently with needing to make it where there was nowhere in the livingroom a child could sit/lie/stand for even a moment of being unsupervised because of certain behaviors. I keep trying to tell myself I don't *really* hate my livingroom like this, but I do.

 

Anyway, VENT AWAY! It *is* exhausting.

 

Do you know another mom who would understand? Someone who won't be manipulated by how sweet and cute and charming she is? Someone who will know to not fall for the "mommy hunting?" Someone who will refer back to how good of a mom you must be for her to ______?

 

Just thinking some respite would be helpful. I have a friend who I desperately wish would allow us to help her with her daughter. I know she thinks I will just fall for how charming S is. I won't. I understand. I also know that mom and siblings need a break.

 

I also know how it feels to feel you understand the right things to do, but are just so exhausted all the time. I figure I probably screw up more than you do at this point. But even if I did it *well,* I'd expect to be exhausted still. Sooooooo tired ALL THE TIME. I do think my issues MIGHT get better when my one kiddos starts sleeping through the night.

Edited January 27, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[In the Rain]

:grouphug: I can't imagine how stressful this is for you. :grouphug:

[TravelingChris]

I will pray that you get at least respite care. I also think you need to consider medication- not for making her attach and getting at the root causes but to lessen the behaviors you are seeing. For example, if she is impulsively damaging, a medication that helps with impulsivity could help. If the problem is anger, there are medications that lessen anger. With this level of malevolence, I don't think you can afford for you and the rest of your family to have such an out of control child. I just don't think it is fair to the rest of the children or to you and your husband for that matter. So I think medication, behavior modification that actually works, or out of home placement need to be some of the things you consider. It isn't the leather and the chairs that I am so concerned about, though that is heartbreaking. It is that after all these years, she still wants to hurt you'all as a primary motive.

 

I can't say whether RAD is solely responsible but it seems to be that she may have some other significant issues, some of which you may be able to address with medication and/or therapy. If nothing can be done, I think it is essential for your health and the health of the rest of your family, to at a minimum do a respite vacation.

 

I am so sorry. I think you really need help for yourself to be able to think clearly and not to get wallowed down in regrets. I know you have them but thinking about the past usually doesn't help with dealing with the present and the future. I will be praying.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Murmer]

Denise....You may have already checked this...but there is an attachment therapist (don't know how much RAD experience she has had but know attachment is her specialty) in Lebanon, NH. I don't know her name or if she takes insurance but I have a friend who uses her...if you want the info let me know and I will get it for you.

[StephanieZ]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Over the past months/years, I have read both your struggles and your love and compassion with such a full and heavy heart.

 

I routinely am exhausted by parenting my three healthy, well behaved children -- who I can leave alone in the house while I sleep, go to the store, go about business . . . Their ordinary good-kid naughtiness and disobeiences wear me out, as do the routine acts of work involved in homeschooling and parenting. Based on how tiring my parenting is, I just *can't fathom* how hard you must work every day to parent your family. I am so sorry that it is so impossible to find any help or respite.

 

I so admire your fortitude, and I pray and trust that your compassion, love, and endless work will have the results you need.

 

I also truly hope you will find some way of getting respite help in some manner. I can see how it might be impossible, but if there is any way, I sure hope it comes soon so you can get a so-well-earned break.

 

WRT the home . . . The more you are able to minimize the work required to fix and re-do, the better. I can imagine that it would be very hard for me to accept living in a home that looked bad. It would really be hard for me. But, perhaps you can create some safe/nice zones such as your bedroom and your other child's room(s), maybe even an adults-only living room or study (if it has a door) and put locks/alarms on them . . . and make them particularly lovely and peaceful. At least you could go to sleep each night in a room that made you feel happy. . . Then, the more you can "let go" of the need to fix the damages done elsewhere, the better. Do tile floors when you refloor anywhere, or poured concrete . . . Try to choose things that are more resistant to destruction . . . And, then TRY to let go of what you can. Maybe save all the fixing projects for just one or two times each year and do what you can at that time, and then try to ignore it for the next months . . . I know this would be very hard. I might not be able to do it at all, but if you can at least to some degree, it would at least minimize the time/$ you spend undoing her destruction.

 

Keep fighting the good fight, my friend. ((((hugs))))

[WiseOwlKnits]

:grouphug:

 

Thank you for sharing your journey. I, too, had never heard of RAD before hearing you talk about your DD. I never realized that there were adoptions where there wouldn't at some point be a happy ending. DH and I have discussed adoption before so I appreciate your experience and insight, as hard as it must be to share.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[jennsmile]

:grouphug:

[sparrow]

:grouphug:

[Teachin'Mine]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Elinor Everywhere]

I understand the whole idea of the straw that broke the camels back but I think you need to take a deep breath and say "It is only scratched wood."

 

I know that isnt what it represents to you.

 

I think though that given the strict parameters you describe that your dd "ruining" things is pretty inevitable.

 

OMG, seriously??? :confused::confused:

 

:grouphug::grouphug: These are for you, Denise. My heart goes out to you. Only people who have been through RAD can truly understand it.

[caedmyn]

I understand the whole idea of the straw that broke the camels back but I think you need to take a deep breath and say "It is only scratched wood."

 

I know that isnt what it represents to you.

 

I think though that given the strict parameters you describe that your dd "ruining" things is pretty inevitable.

 

Seriously?? I am really...I can't even think of the words to say...by some of the things you post. It's like you enjoy posting nasty things about anyone who doesn't follow your ideas of gentle discipline. Have you ever actually dealt with a difficult child? I'm reminded of something my mother used to say: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

[Twinmom]

Denise, :grouphug: There are no words. I know only a bit of what you are going through due to my experiences with my own DD...the pain must be unimaginable. I am praying for you.

 

I don't know if you have seen the new research on the use of neurofeedback with RAD patients? I've seen a lot of different articles on the subject and I posted about one here:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=339820

 

The beauty of neurofeedback with RAD kids is that they do not have to be able/willing to participate in "talk" therapy in order to benefit from it. It works on an unconscious brain-functioning level and the changes it produces are marvelous to watch (or have at least been here!!). I believe you once posted about hoping for a therapy that would help HER instead of teaching the whole family how to handle her...perhaps this is an option?

 

If you are interested, our NF therapist is great about helping with referrals all over the country. Our clinic is well known as one of the best providers in the country and they kind of know everybody...

 

HTH in some way. Again, I am SO sorry for what you are going through.

[WeeBeaks]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry.

[goldberry]

No advice, only :grouphug:... Can't even imagine your pain...

[Virg]

I am so sorry! I would be furious. It seems with these kids that it is always one more thing than you can handle. It isn't just that lots of things get ruined, it is that they ruin everything. I have had people tell me to watch DSD better, I am STARING at her. They are just SO sneaky. I will be praying for you. I wish I had some other help but I am with you, we have tried everything and have been told by therapist after therapist that they can't think of anything else to try. My only suggestion is a couple of glasses of wine as soon as DH gets home. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Actually with my younger two siblings there are some medications that have helped. THEY themselves have to choose to want to heal AND they have to have the right therapy to be even able to climb that hurtle.

 

Did you know about RAD before she was adopted? Yu should qualify for respite care stuff.

 

I have befriended a woman recently who has been doing NH foster care for 20+ years, and she also adopted four kids from foster care, cared for yet another until she finally had to kick him out this year at 20 years of age. She cared for him since the age of 2. She knows all about resources and has been a tremendous one to me. There is NO respite for us. And honestly, I'm oknwith that because I would always worry about what she would be doing if she were away from me.

 

Also, I know there are meds for RAD kids with anger, depression, anxiety, but there are no meds specifically to treat RAD. Do you know something different?

[Denisemomof4]

Actually with my younger two siblings there are some medications that have helped. THEY themselves have to choose to want to heal AND they have to have the right therapy to be even able to climb that hurtle.

 

Did you know about RAD before she was adopted? Yu should qualify for respite care stuff.

 

Oh, and NO!!!! I did NOT know about RAD before I adopted. I kept telling doctors something was wrong, but all they could see was a precious little angel, I adopted her at 14 months and found out about RAD when she was around 4.5 - 5. Had I got treatment when she was still a baby, we wouldn't be living this nightmare now.

[Denisemomof4]

I'm so sorry. I know my mom feels the same way. She knows all the right stuff to do too. But sometimes there is not enough support in the WORLD to recover from burnout.

 

I agree, and if I can go to a moms retreat, I hope I can bring dd12 as well. She lives this every day of her life. I feel so bad for her. I was the one who wanted to adopt, yet she has to pay the price for it?

 

We do get away for day trips regularly, and I do weekends away with her periodically.

[MamaT]

:grouphug: Denise, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but I can pray for you.

[Whereneverever]

I understand the whole idea of the straw that broke the camels back but I think you need to take a deep breath and say "It is only scratched wood."

 

I know that isnt what it represents to you.

 

I think though that given the strict parameters you describe that your dd "ruining" things is pretty inevitable.

 

Does being mean when someone is down... Really down, make you happy? Because I kinda wonder at some of your posts.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug:

 

I'm right there with you, although my destroyer is principally GW with an occasional assist from Geezle. Dh and I have thrown in the towel. We have GW spackle his holes but we won't repaint until he's in a residential placement. Ditto the furniture unless it's something we can't live without. Our house is a wreck, but after a while it just fades into the background. When I get really down, I remind myself that we don't actually have to sign the guardianship papers when he's 18.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for you!!!