I am distraught. RAD related

[clarkacademy]

Oh, and NO!!!! I did NOT know about RAD before I adopted. I kept telling doctors something was wrong, but all they could see was a precious little angel, I adopted her at 14 months and found out about RAD when she was around 4.5 - 5. Had I got treatment when she was still a baby, we wouldn't be living this nightmare now.

 

 

Hey you! One of those days huh? I so sorry and no it is not just scratched wood. It meant something to you. It is your home your family your exhaustion and you can throw all the fits you want! I so wish we lived near each other having two along the sames line we could trade off :grouphug:

I hope you have some better days in store for you it has been a rough time here too. Get angry you deserve it Go scream in your pillow do whatever you can to feel better

[Joanne]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Denise, you amaze me. You have exhausted the resources because you are on level with them. They have nothing to offer and teach you because you know what they do, and often more.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[TravelingChris]

Oh and whoever thinks this is about scratched wood has no understanding.

 

This child is seven, eight, nine? I can't quite remember her age but she is way beyond the age where an angry child doing something like this would be thought not that unusual. I see this as Denise seeing into the future that right now there doesn't seem to be any hope for a change. I hope that the neurofeedback work or something else comes up to change things. I think she is really feeling how negatively this is affecting other family members. I think the inabilitiy to break through to the child and the hopelessness that engenders sometimes become totally overwhelming.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[amyx4]

Are you close enough to Boston to look for a RAD specialist at a bigger hospital?

[Denise in IN]

:grouphug: Denise, that sounds so exhausting and defeating. No wise words, but lifting you up in prayer. Hoping and praying that you will be able to find some resources and support.

[Denisemomof4]

Some other ideas, some of which I know you know....

 

Maybe Keck's people can point you in the right direction for a therapist?

Maybe Forbe's, Purvis', or Post's people can?

Does the agency have any ideas? Maybe another agency will?

What about some place like adoptuskids.org and other such related places?

 

The president of RADZebra.org has talked to me, I've spoken to Posts office, I've paid out of pocket for Heather Forbes, I've spoken to........... I'm drawing a blank...... he's the man who travels the US and does therapy in the home, he costs thousands and thousands of dollars, there aren't GOOD resources in NH and last time I checked for a place in MA, the work was grueling (I'm too burn out for that now) and it cost so much money that it could pay for a year of college, and our insurance wouldn't cover that. AND, dd's form of RAD is the hardest to treat with the lowest success rate. I found out that information by speaking to the person in charge at the place I speak of.

 

Do you know another mom who would understand? Someone who won't be manipulated by how sweet and cute and charming she is? Someone who will know to not fall for the "mommy hunting?" Someone who will refer back to how good of a mom you must be for her to ______?

Yes, the mom who fostered 20 kids and adopted 4, this after raising 3 - 5 bio kids successfully. It's sad, I don't remember how many bio kids she has because we're always talking about the troubled foster/adopt kids. Anyway, her older adopted dd is now in her 20s and she will never be able to live on her own. SHe is disabled from being a shaken baby. Her other two sons she's trying to get qualified as disabled because they can't find or keep employment, have extremely low IQ's, and have so many issues from being FASD. Her youngest is friends with my dd and is doing WELL, NO issues, etc. Anyway, sh is too burnt out herself to take dd on for respite. Honestly, I'd never rest with dd in respite, wondering which antics she's pulling, which lies she's telling, who she's being inappropriate with. Dh totally supports dd12 and I getting away for day trips regularly. I a writing now in CRISIS mode but I will get over this, again. My new "normal" for my life is SO pathetic.

 

I understand the bathroom thing, too. I have to bring RAD to the bathroom with me. I make her turn her back but she peeks sometimes and it drives me insane. I say nothing.

 

Just thinking some respite would be helpful. I have a friend who I desperately wish would allow us to help her with her daughter. I know she thinks I will just fall for how charming S is. I won't. I understand. I also know that mom and siblings need a break.

 

Really? I thought I was the only crazy person afraid that someone would fall for dd's lies, or be snowed over by her charm. Then there's the fact that unless they totally make it SO not fun for her, she will come back and be horrific. I'm afraid to take that chance. I can't believe I've already made it for 8 years. I keep telling myself only 9 more to go.

 

I also know how it feels to feel you understand the right things to do, but are just so exhausted all the time. I figure I probably screw up more than you do at this point. But even if I did it *well,* I'd expect to be exhausted still. Sooooooo tired ALL THE TIME. I do think my issues MIGHT get better when my one kiddos starts sleeping through the night.

 

some days I can't get out of bed. On the bad, bad days I have spent hours in bed in the morning. On those days, dd12, the sweetest girl in the world, brings me tea, grabs her school books and mine, and we school in bed. RADish will play in her room and unless she tells us she's hungry, she will eat breakfast late that day. It's been awhile since I've done that. Tomorrow will be an icy morning. It sounds like the perfect day to do that again.

[2cents]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: My friend adopted a RAD child and due to violent behavior that didn't respond to meds etc. they disrupted the adoption. It almost destroyed their family to have to do that. I know they only did it as an absolute last resort. They did find a special placement that was familiar with RAD and the child has done so much better. It was so hard to watch my friend and the child go through that. It is hard for people who are unfamiliar with the condition to understand how difficult it really is. I hope you can find help and relief soon.

[Denisemomof4]

I will pray that you get at least respite care. I also think you need to consider medication- not for making her attach and getting at the root causes but to lessen the behaviors you are seeing. For example, if she is impulsively damaging, a medication that helps with impulsivity could help. If the problem is anger, there are medications that lessen anger. With this level of malevolence, I don't think you can afford for you and the rest of your family to have such an out of control child. I just don't think it is fair to the rest of the children or to you and your husband for that matter. So I think medication, behavior modification that actually works, or out of home placement need to be some of the things you consider. It isn't the leather and the chairs that I am so concerned about, though that is heartbreaking. It is that after all these years, she still wants to hurt you'all as a primary motive.

 

I can't say whether RAD is solely responsible but it seems to be that she may have some other significant issues, some of which you may be able to address with medication and/or therapy. If nothing can be done, I think it is essential for your health and the health of the rest of your family, to at a minimum do a respite vacation.

 

I am so sorry. I think you really need help for yourself to be able to think clearly and not to get wallowed down in regrets. I know you have them but thinking about the past usually doesn't help with dealing with the present and the future. I will be praying.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

oh my gosh I never knew there was medication for impulsivity! WHY oh WHY don't doctors tell me this when I tell them what's going on?

 

CBT that actually WORKS would be good, but the thing is that the adoption forums are filled with families like ours who have spent years in therapy with no help, and if you don't have a GOOD therapist, the child can actually be more empowered. So I trust my gut on this one. The only therapist I've really wanted to see is the one that will ONLY work with me. He is a Daniel Hughes trained therapist, and he spent a lot of time on the phone with me when we wanted to disrupt our adoption after my mom died, and then he spent more time on the phone with me recently. I told him everything I've done, everything I've read, etc. He said he really couldn't do more for me, but the reason he'd want to see me was to teach me better coping strategies. I usually do pretty good, only getting into this bad a spot every............ maybe year and a half or so? And the only reason for that is because I ignore her acting out. I have the greatest gift of blocking it all out. But I do have times when I fail at that, like now.

 

WHen we do a FL vacation, the woman who adopted 16 kids from disruptions has offered me respite. I hope that offer stands when we finally get there.

 

Honestly, I'm in a bad spot right now, but you'd be amazed at how well we have learned to truly block things out and not let them weigh us down. I told dd12 that you don't have to LIKE dd, but you DO have to treat her respectfully even if she is awful to you. I told her that I act like a loving mom even when in my heart I'm in an awful place. I fake it. I told her that the more she does it, the easier it will become. Just recently she said that I was right, that it really is getting easy to act like nothing is wrong. And in doing so, the feelings do somehow eventually follow.

 

Dd12 and I hike, kayak, snowshoe, and shop regularly and alone. She loves my friends, my friends love her, and she comes out with us. She also has many friends she sees.

 

But when we have our family time and our family days, we all have fun and refuse to let dd triangulate us and cause issues. When she gives the sad orphan eyes, or starts to get inappropriate with the waitress/waiter, we make her stop, then move along and truly don't let her ruin our time. I know she hates it that for the most part she no longer has that power over us. Mostly.

 

It has been years in the working to get to this point. Part of the reason I'm so emotional about the chairs/kitchen is that it was a special remodel that I ued my parent's money for. My parents did the same when their parents died - they remodeled their kitchen. It has special meaning, and so the destruction in the kitchen, including the stools, hit hard. There are new kitchen rules now, too. She keeps making her world and opportunities smaller and smaller and smaller.

[Denisemomof4]

Denise....You may have already checked this...but there is an attachment therapist (don't know how much RAD experience she has had but know attachment is her specialty) in Lebanon, NH. I don't know her name or if she takes insurance but I have a friend who uses her...if you want the info let me know and I will get it for you.

 

please PM me her information. I do know I've spoken to people in Lebanon as well as VT. Do you know if she also works with the kid?

[jujsky]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry, Denise. I thought things were getting better with your DD. It must be so frustrating to finally have all those nice,new things just to have them damaged before you can even enjoy them. Have you checked into MA for therapists? I know it's more of a drive, but maybe it would be worth it?

[WiseOwlKnits]

I'm sure this has been asked before, but can you turn her back over to the state? It sounds like you're miserable and she's making your whole family miserable with no hope of improving. And by the time she's old enough to leave home, you other DD will also be grown and gone. It just sounds so hopeless and depressing...

 

I'm so sorry.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug::

WRT the home . . . The more you are able to minimize the work required to fix and re-do, the better. I can imagine that it would be very hard for me to accept living in a home that looked bad. It would really be hard for me. But, perhaps you can create some safe/nice zones such as your bedroom and your other child's room(s), maybe even an adults-only living room or study (if it has a door) and put locks/alarms on them . . . and make them particularly lovely and peaceful. At least you could go to sleep each night in a room that made you feel happy. . . Then, the more you can "let go" of the need to fix the damages done elsewhere, the better. Do tile floors when you refloor anywhere, or poured concrete . . . Try to choose things that are more resistant to destruction . . . And, then TRY to let go of what you can. Maybe save all the fixing projects for just one or two times each year and do what you can at that time, and then try to ignore it for the next months . . . I know this would be very hard. I might not be able to do it at all, but if you can at least to some degree, it would at least minimize the time/$ you spend undoing her destruction.

 

Keep fighting the good fight, my friend. ((((hugs))))

 

thank you for your sweet words, Stephanie. I know most moms just give up, but I love my home and I can't walk past damage and leave it there. My home has GOT to be nice for me or else it will bother me every stinking time I see something that she did. It will stab me like a knife every time I see it. The bathroom that needs to be repainted, every time I go in there I look at all the drywall she picked off. I painted it fun and funky and love it, and I need to redo it. But I've learned my lesson. At this point, there really will be no more opportunity for her destruction. The rule is that if I'm not watching her, NOBODY is watching her unless they're outside. Dh has worked from home and sat in her room as she did her school work. They eat in her room. It's a new normal, again, and he's not bitter about it. His office is next door and he can go in there (will have to remove the omputer or else she'd break it... it's a laptop and she does online school because I can NOT school her anymore) for a break, etc. It sounds awful but it's another way we've learned to deal with her.

[Denisemomof4]

I understand the whole idea of the straw that broke the camels back but I think you need to take a deep breath and say "It is only scratched wood."

 

I know that isnt what it represents to you.

 

I think though that given the strict parameters you describe that your dd "ruining" things is pretty inevitable.

 

the thing that needs to be understood is that this is the internet. The scratch wood is the only thing I've SHARED.

[Grover]

I don't have any useful advice, just to say I'm so sad for you for the way this child is making you live :-( It sounds like a tough existence for you, your older DD and your RADish. I hope you can find some supports and solutions :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Denise, :grouphug: There are no words. I know only a bit of what you are going through due to my experiences with my own DD...the pain must be unimaginable. I am praying for you.

 

I don't know if you have seen the new research on the use of neurofeedback with RAD patients? I've seen a lot of different articles on the subject and I posted about one here:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=339820

 

The beauty of neurofeedback with RAD kids is that they do not have to be able/willing to participate in "talk" therapy in order to benefit from it. It works on an unconscious brain-functioning level and the changes it produces are marvelous to watch (or have at least been here!!). I believe you once posted about hoping for a therapy that would help HER instead of teaching the whole family how to handle her...perhaps this is an option?

 

If you are interested, our NF therapist is great about helping with referrals all over the country. Our clinic is well known as one of the best providers in the country and they kind of know everybody...

 

HTH in some way. Again, I am SO sorry for what you are going through.

 

at the sake of sounding crazy, I love NF. I have books on it and did years of research on it. I took my ADHD son to several drs for it, after my head injury I went to several drs because I wanted it. Again, INSURANCE WON'T COVER IT. I know they won't for her, either.

 

SO I said SCREW YOU to my insurance. I joined a couple of YAHOO groups, bought my OWN equipment to get started, spoke to the owner of the Yahoo group several times in Brazil, and got started. WIth the initial equipment, which cost thousands, he said it wouldn't help dd much. It's the next several thousand, more than we've already spent, that she will get help. This after we spend thousands for a SPECT so we can treat the right areas of the brain because of course insurance won't pay for that either. Then there's all the training involved, lots of time and money. We compared prices of treatment vs buying our own, and that's why we bought our own. Unfortunately, my parents health declined, I cared for them, brought mom home to live with me when mom died, she was a total invalid and could only feed herself sometimes. That was 2.5 years ago, and I'm still too scatter brained and burnt out to even consider training for NFB. After spending all that money.......... I just couldn't foresee all the work I'd have on me, not to mention the stress, of my parent's care and deaths. Dh will have to do it with me, and he's also too burnt out. I hope we get there someday. Someday soon.

 

I feel confident dh and I could do it well after being a part of the Yahoo group for so long, after all the discussions about it. I'm not worried about that at all. I am pretty confident neither of us have the MENTAL energy to do the training right now.

Edited January 27, 2012 by Denisemomof4

[unsinkable]

I'm sorry for all involved. I am sorry for your DD, too. She has a mental illness and it makes my heart ache. As necessary as it is for your family, what you have written makes it soundlike your DD has less freedom than a prisoner.

 

That fact that you Denise are innocent in all this is heartbreaking...but your DD is innocent, too.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Denise, you amaze me. You have exhausted the resources because you are on level with them. They have nothing to offer and teach you because you know what they do, and often more.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

OMG. Coming from you, this is SO powerful. Honestly. I have tears.

 

I can't tell you what that meant to me.

[Denisemomof4]

Oh and whoever thinks this is about scratched wood has no understanding.

 

This child is seven, eight, nine? I can't quite remember her age but she is way beyond the age where an angry child doing something like this would be thought not that unusual. I see this as Denise seeing into the future that right now there doesn't seem to be any hope for a change. I hope that the neurofeedback work or something else comes up to change things. I think she is really feeling how negatively this is affecting other family members. I think the inabilitiy to break through to the child and the hopelessness that engenders sometimes become totally overwhelming.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

and WTH happened to her to have her so broken and messed up at 14 months of age? I really wish I knew.

 

Then sometimes I just don't care about anything but having peace.

[Forget-Me-Not]

:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry, Denise. I thought things were getting better with your DD. It must be so frustrating to finally have all those nice,new things just to have them damaged before you can even enjoy them. Have you checked into MA for therapists? I know it's more of a drive, but maybe it would be worth it?

 

I have.

 

I have been trying to find good help for my brother and sister with a mental illness, and now my dd. Mental illnesses are the worst illnesses to find treatment for. I can't believe there's not more help in the BOSTON area.

 

Well, I guess I can understand it. Dd12 has seen every specialist in the states of NH and MA and we still don't know what's going on with her PHYSICAL health. Now she's got hot flashes waking her up at night. We'll see an endocrinologist next week. I think he's doctor #14? I'm starting to lose count. We just spent the day up in Lebanon on Tuesday. At least three cardiologists now have confirmed that her blue face is not heart related.

 

No wonder I'm so darned tired.

[Denisemomof4]

I'm sure this has been asked before, but can you turn her back over to the state? It sounds like you're miserable and she's making your whole family miserable with no hope of improving. And by the time she's old enough to leave home, you other DD will also be grown and gone. It just sounds so hopeless and depressing...

 

I'm so sorry.

 

SHe's from China.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I have nothing of value to add. I just couldn't read this without offering hugs.

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

I'm sorry for all involved. I am sorry for your DD, too. She has a mental illness and it makes my heart ache. As necessary as it is for your family, what you have written makes it soundlike your DD has less freedom than a prisoner.

 

That fact that you Denise are innocent in all this is heartbreaking...but your DD is innocent, too.

 

BUut MANY RAD kids aren't allowed any freedom. THey have to be in eyesight and earshot at ALL times. I was disheartened to hear that people still have to do that with their RADishes when they're in their teens. I guess I'm more realistic about it now.

 

 

I know it's hard to understand, but she truly is not safe to be given any freedom. SHE is not safe.

 

I hope other RAD moms here who have spoken to this fact to me offline will chime in here. Not having freedom truly is what she needs.

[Nakia]

I have no words, friend. I am just so sorry. :grouphug:

[clarkacademy]

BUut MANY RAD kids aren't allowed any freedom. THey have to be in eyesight and earshot at ALL times. I was disheartened to hear that people still have to do that with their RADishes when they're in their teens. I guess I'm more realistic about it now.

 

 

I know it's hard to understand, but she truly is not safe to be given any freedom. SHE is not safe.

 

I hope other RAD moms here who have spoken to this fact to me offline will chime in here. Not having freedom truly is what she needs.

 

Sadly she cannot be trusted Fox is so so I know how it feels I always have to be right there and after a while it gets very frustrating!

[Murmer]

I will get it from my friend, i will pm as soon as i have it. I know she is working with my friends child playing with her and such, so I assume she does.

[unsinkable]

I'm sorry for all involved. I am sorry for your DD, too. She has a mental illness and it makes my heart ache. As necessary as it is for your family, what you have written makes it soundlike your DD has less freedom than a prisoner.

 

That fact that you Denise are innocent in all this is heartbreaking...but your DD is innocent, too.

 

BUut MANY RAD kids aren't allowed any freedom. THey have to be in eyesight and earshot at ALL times. I was disheartened to hear that people still have to do that with their RADishes when they're in their teens. I guess I'm more realistic about it now.

 

 

I know it's hard to understand, but she truly is not safe to be given any freedom. SHE is not safe.

 

I hope other RAD moms here who have spoken to this fact to me offline will chime in here. Not having freedom truly is what she needs.

 

Perhaps you skimmed over the part where I wrote it that it is necessary for your family???

[Virg]

BUut MANY RAD kids aren't allowed any freedom. THey have to be in eyesight and earshot at ALL times. I was disheartened to hear that people still have to do that with their RADishes when they're in their teens. I guess I'm more realistic about it now.

 

 

I know it's hard to understand, but she truly is not safe to be given any freedom. SHE is not safe.

 

I hope other RAD moms here who have spoken to this fact to me offline will chime in here. Not having freedom truly is what she needs.

:iagree::iagree:

 

Oh yes! You have no idea what they are capable of unsupervised. It is sad. I hate that we have an alarm on her bedroom door and window and cameras throughout my house.

 

However, I hate more that before we had a window alarm I watched the nights' video to discover my NINE year old step-daughter climbing OUT of her window and being gone for 45 minutes. It wasn't even on my scope of things to worry about.

 

I hate that she has attempted to hurt DS11 multiple times because he is "ugly" and gets attention when he is sick. (By sick we mean on-death's-door-not-breathing-on-oxygen-sick.)

 

I hate that she steals medicine and eats it just because she isn't supposed to. (And yes the ped has told her over and over how dangerous this is. Consequences aren't real unless they happen, even then they are debatable ten minutes later.)

 

Unfortunately this is life for us. To keep her safe and the people around her she HAS to be supervised 24/7. I can't let her go to a friends' house or Sunday school without me being there. People do NOT understand.

 

On my honeymoon she was left for a few days with someone who really understands what we go through. She ate their medicine, tried to poison their 5 year old who spent an entire day throwing up, peed in their washer machine, etc.

 

I never NEVER get a break and I can't have one. So if anyone is living in a prison, it is me and the other kids, she lives in a prison of her own choosing. (Not to mention that I have had therapists tell us we need to do what we are doing.) Mine can at least be good when she wants to. She has gone three months at times being a perfect angel. In public she is the sweetest little thing ever.

 

Okay, rant over :001_smile: (BTW I haven't even listed a quarter of what she has done here. My parent's summary for therapists is PAGES long. Then there is another 10 pages on what we have tried.)

Edited January 27, 2012 by ds4159

[Denisemomof4]

Perhaps you skimmed over the part where I wrote it that it is necessary for your family???

 

I didn't, but I took it as a "poor RADish is sick and needs help and she's allowed less freedom than a prisoner." I'm not saying you meant it that way, I'm saying that's the way I took it.

 

I am absolutely POSITIVE that not many people could do all the work I've done with her or for hr. It's not easy for ME to accept that she can't have freedom. I STILL get weak and feel like things are fine, we've come a long way, she's doing so well, so I let up. And when I do, I always pay for it.

 

A L W A Y S.

[Sputterduck]

I understand the whole idea of the straw that broke the camels back but I think you need to take a deep breath and say "It is only scratched wood."

 

I know that isnt what it represents to you.

 

I think though that given the strict parameters you describe that your dd "ruining" things is pretty inevitable.

 

If you do a little bit of research, you will understand. Many people are uneducated about RAD and just don't understand. It's not just wood. It's parenting a child who will go out of their way to ruin anything and everything precious to you. There is far more, and far worse, to it than that, but that's why the wood is a big deal.

[Mommy22alyns]

Denise, I am so sorry. You have really gone to the wall for her. I can't even begin to imagine.

 

:grouphug: to you amazing RAD moms.

[In the Rain]

:grouphug: I know nothing about RAD other than what I have read on WTM. It sounds like a living nightmare for all of you. :grouphug: A few times you have mentioned only having 9 years left. What will happen to her when she is 18?

[Denisemomof4]

:iagree::iagree:

 

Oh yes! You have no idea what they are capable of unsupervised. It is sad. I hate that we have an alarm on her bedroom door and window and cameras throughout my house.

 

However, I hate more that before we had a window alarm I watched the nights' video to discover my NINE year old step-daughter climbing OUT of her window and being gone for 45 minutes. It wasn't even on my scope of things to worry about.

 

I hate that she has attempted to hurt DS11 multiple times because he is "ugly" and gets attention when he is sick. (By sick we mean on-death's-door-not-breathing-on-oxygen-sick.)

 

I hate that she steals medicine and eats it just because she isn't supposed to. (And yes the ped has told her over and over how dangerous this is. Consequences aren't real unless they happen, even then they are debatable ten minutes later.)

 

Unfortunately this is life for us. To keep her safe and the people around her she HAS to be supervised 24/7. I can't let her go to a friends' house or Sunday school without me being there. People do NOT understand.

 

On my honeymoon she was left for a few days with someone who really understands what we go through. She ate their medicine, tried to poison their 5 year old who spent an entire day throwing up, peed in their washer machine, etc.

 

I never NEVER get a break and I can't have one. So if anyone is living in a prison, it is me and the other kids, she lives in a prison of her own choosing. (Not to mention that I have had therapists tell us we need to do what we are doing.) Mine can at least be good when she wants to. She has gone three months at times being a perfect angel. In public she is the sweetest little thing ever.

 

Okay, rant over :001_smile: (BTW I haven't even listed a quarter of what she has done here. My parent's summary for therapists is PAGES long. Then there is another 10 pages on what we have tried.)

 

I have not shared most of our details online.

 

YOU get what I'm going through. YOU are singing my song.

 

ANYTHING with a heartbeat is not safe with some RADishes.

 

I will leave it at that.

[Denisemomof4]

If you do a little bit of research, you will understand. Many people are uneducated about RAD and just don't understand. It's not just wood. It's parenting a child who will go out of their way to ruin anything and everything precious to you. There is far more, and far worse, to it than that, but that's why the wood is a big deal.

 

think of what is MOST precious to you.

 

that's what it's like.

[Nakia]

This thread makes me want to cry. I'm so sad for you mommas and your children. God bless you all.

[Catwoman]

I understand the whole idea of the straw that broke the camels back but I think you need to take a deep breath and say "It is only scratched wood."

 

I know that isnt what it represents to you.

 

I think though that given the strict parameters you describe that your dd "ruining" things is pretty inevitable.

 

I wanted to respond to this post because I think calandalsmom is getting a bad rap in this thread.

 

I know she and I have had our disagreements in the past in other threads, but in this case, I truly don't believe she was trying to make Denise feel badly; I think she was trying to put the "scratched wood incident" into a larger perspective, which is that considering the bigger picture, the damaged furniture isn't worth getting so upset about. The furniture is just a teeny tiny part of the big (RAD) issue, and with so many major problems on Denise's plate, she shouldn't waste her emotions on it.

 

I think her "straw that broke the camel's back" statement supports the idea that calandalsmom understood why Denise was so upset about it, but was trying to support her by reminding her that the furniture isn't that big a deal in the overall scheme of things.

 

I may have completely misinterpreted calandalsmom's post, and others may be right about it, but I wanted to post in her defense this time around, because I really think she was trying to be sympathetic.

[Ottakee]

oh my gosh I never knew there was medication for impulsivity! WHY oh WHY don't doctors tell me this when I tell them what's going on?

 

.

 

I dont know how much work, if any, you have done with a psychiatrist but I think that meds are certainly a very reasonable option right now. Basically, either something major needs to change (and meds might help that) or she is at risk of not being able to stay home and needing residential placement.......which as terrible as that sounds, for some kids, really is the best there there is.

 

Was she a foster care adoption? If so, you have more options---at least we do here in Michigan.

 

I know others who don't know this stuff might disagree, but meds are certainly a good option to explore right now.

 

Our daughter was not expected to be able to maintain a home environment past preschool age at one point........and now in her teens is doing great----OK great for a child iwth severe medical issues, moderate mental impairment, various mental illnesses, etc.............and honestly, her psych meds have made life about 90% better.

 

Does she show any signs of bipolar? I know in our RAD group, 75% of the kids also had bipolar and there ARE meds for that. Then after that is treated, it can be easier to work on the other stuff. So many of these kids have SOOO many issues that it is hard to know what to deal with first and what is what.

[Catwoman]

I'm sorry for all involved. I am sorry for your DD, too. She has a mental illness and it makes my heart ache. As necessary as it is for your family, what you have written makes it soundlike your DD has less freedom than a prisoner.

 

That fact that you Denise are innocent in all this is heartbreaking...but your DD is innocent, too.

 

It's such a sad situation. The worst part of it seems to be that this poor little girl can't control what she's doing, so even though she is wreaking havoc in the house and needs 24/7 supervision, my heart goes out to her. It must be horrible to be constantly watched and monitored. :(

 

Are there effective medications or therapies for RAD? I must admit that I know very little about it, other than what I have read in threads on this forum, so I know that some treatment is available but I don't know anything about the success and failure rates.

[FaithManor]

BUut MANY RAD kids aren't allowed any freedom. THey have to be in eyesight and earshot at ALL times. I was disheartened to hear that people still have to do that with their RADishes when they're in their teens. I guess I'm more realistic about it now.

 

 

I know it's hard to understand, but she truly is not safe to be given any freedom. SHE is not safe.

 

I hope other RAD moms here who have spoken to this fact to me offline will chime in here. Not having freedom truly is what she needs.

 

People who do not have RAD kids don't get it. Freedom is literally a KILLER! They will seriously hurt themselves, their sibs, the family cat, an innocent animal that doesn't know, "Do not walk through that yard over there", etc. I am not currently raising a RAD child, but I used to work for another county as a respite care provider - volunteer basis because several families at the church we attended had either adopted or fostered RAD children and desperately needed a break.

 

I have scars on my legs from the violence. These kids are not safe alone at all. They are capable of great acts of physical terror.

 

You.do.not.want.to.know.the.lies.these.kids.are.capable.of.

 

Society doesn't get and doesn't want to...it's easier to pretend it isn't that bad, or the parent is evil, or the sibs lie, or, or, or, or..... Then that same society is a bit shocked when the child turns 18 and find out that they have a very disturbed individual who now has access to weapons running loose.

 

It's the saddest thing in the world really. They do not ask to be this way. They are brain damaged. In their minds, the entire world is out to get them and they alone must survive. They cannot conceive of love, they cannot conceive of kindness, they cannot begin to comprehend that people care about them. In their eyes, we are ALL out to hurt them and so they need to hurt us first, keep us at arms length, make sure they survive in a world that they are completely convinced (deep in their psyche) is out to get them, and to insure their survival, they become cunning in a way that most people can't imagine. It's incidious and it can cause a parent to literally lose their mind. Shoot, three or four days of it and I was usually pretty close to wondering what was reality, what wasn't, fighting very hard to retain emotional control.

 

I provided respite for three families, usually once per quarter for an extended weekend, for two years. So, you do the math...that's twelve long weekends per year. That.was.all.I.could.take! We had our own little ones at home and it was really taking a toll on me.

 

Denise, I get it. I KNOW what you are up against and you do it 365 days per year. I could hardly last 48 days spread over an entire year!!!! I truly wish I lived near you. I would come and care for your dd so you and the family could have a vacation.

 

I just wish the NH children's hospital had a list of trained respite workers - really trained....I had mine through Whaley Children's Home...no longer in operation, but it was at one time, a residential treatment facility for the cases that DFS could not even begin to place because the children were far to mentally ill to be in a foster home. The children lived in the psyche hospital for up to two years and then if recommended for placement, they would be placed in a therapeutic home...families who were given extensive training in RAD, severe FAS & FAE, and other extreme conditions. My understanding is that since they've closed, the best any family can get is 10 days once per year in the psyche ward at Wayne State Children's Hospital in Detroit and that you have to browbeat the state in order to get that...private pay insurance won't touch it. This is awful because when Whaley was open, not only was their a residential treatment center, but there was also both paid and volunteer respite workers with training for these therapeutic families. The psychiatric hospital in Saginaw, MI., has been closed now for several years due to funding cuts, also offered residential, respite treatment for up to 30 days per year to families with mentally ill children. It was an amazing service. I have a good friend who was a nurse there...they took good care of their children. Again, another resource gone.

 

Also, for everyone else's information, when you adopt internationally or domestically through a private adoption agency, you do not have any of the resources...ie. state medical insurance, tier 2 or 3 adoption subsidy monies, access to state social and mental health professionals, etc. that foster parents have when they adopt and frankly, foster parents do not have near enough resources as it is...the well is completely dry for other adoptions.

 

Denise, you are a hero to your daughter every.single.day! She will never be able to recognize that, acknowledge that, or embrace it. But, if there is even the smallest consolation in it, Joanne gets it, a few other virtual friends get it, and so do I! :grouphug::grouphug:

 

You have my prayers, my best wishes, my positve vibes, anything I can think of to metaphysically shore you up since I can't offer you anything concrete.

 

Faith

[Nakia]

May I ask what happens to these kids when they reach adulthood? Is there any hope for a decent future?

 

:(

[Joanne]

It's the saddest thing in the world really. They do not ask to be this way. They are brain damaged. In their minds, the entire world is out to get them and they alone must survive. They cannot conceive of love, they cannot conceive of kindness, they cannot begin to comprehend that people care about them. In their eyes, we are ALL out to hurt them and so they need to hurt us first, keep us at arms length, make sure they survive in a world that they are completely convinced (deep in their psyche) is out to get them, and to insure their survival, they become cunning in a way that most people can't imagine. It's incidious and it can cause a parent to literally lose their mind. Shoot, three or four days of it and I was usually pretty close to wondering what was reality, what wasn't, fighting very hard to retain emotional control.

 

 

 

The bold is literally true. It is not figurative. They are brain damaged.

 

 

May I ask what happens to these kids when they reach adulthood? Is there any hope for a decent future?

 

:(

 

RAD does have something of a continuum. Some can grow up to a functional adult level. Most don't. Most end up some kind of institution (jail, psychiatric) or dead.

[ma23peas]

I am so sorry! I had never heard of RAD...this article really helped me understand a small part of what you are facing....stay tough..I have nothing to offer but hugs and prayers...

 

http://www.center4familydevelop.com/helpteachrad.htm

[Denisemomof4]

I'm sorry for all involved. I am sorry for your DD, too. She has a mental illness and it makes my heart ache. As necessary as it is for your family, what you have written makes it soundlike your DD has less freedom than a prisoner.

 

That fact that you Denise are innocent in all this is heartbreaking...but your DD is innocent, too.

 

Sadly she cannot be trusted Fox is so so I know how it feels I always have to be right there and after a while it gets very frustrating!

 

if you were any type of friend, you'd relocate so we could play TAG TEAM.

 

Come on. Certainly it's more enticing than you can handle? ;)

[Catwoman]

I didn't, but I took it as a "poor RADish is sick and needs help and she's allowed less freedom than a prisoner." I'm not saying you meant it that way, I'm saying that's the way I took it.

 

I am absolutely POSITIVE that not many people could do all the work I've done with her or for hr. It's not easy for ME to accept that she can't have freedom. I STILL get weak and feel like things are fine, we've come a long way, she's doing so well, so I let up. And when I do, I always pay for it.

 

A L W A Y S.

 

I didn't interpret the "less freedom" thing to be a criticism of you at all, Denise -- I'm sure Unsinkable didn't mean it that way! I think she was just trying to look at the situation from your dd's perspective, as well as from yours. :001_smile:

 

I'm still catching up on this thread, but I'm wondering what you can do with your dd on a long term basis. I don't mean this unkindly, but she sounds sociopathic, and that must be terrifying for you to deal with, particularly when thinking of the future when she is older, bigger, and stronger (and probably craftier as well.)

 

As I mentioned earlier, this is all quite new to me, but it sounds frightening, and I would really like to know if there is any light at the end of the tunnel in terms of your dd's future. Will she always be the way she is now, or are there treatments/medications/therapies that could help her as she gets older?

 

Sorry to be so clueless. If you've already answered all of this, don't worry about posting it again -- I'm still reading the thread, so I'm sure I'll get to it!

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug: I know nothing about RAD other than what I have read on WTM. It sounds like a living nightmare for all of you. :grouphug: A few times you have mentioned only having 9 years left. What will happen to her when she is 18?

 

what happens to her when she's 18?

 

she has to figure that out.

 

It sounds cold, but if I'm still standing at age 58, my life will no longer be devoted to helping her.

 

THat's how I feel today. Ask me again when she's being the perfect angel to me because she has a hidden agenda.

[Nakia]

 

 

RAD does have something of a continuum. Some can grow up to a functional adult level. Most don't. Most end up some kind of institution (jail, psychiatric) or dead.

 

 

:crying:

[DaffodilDreams]

Hugs - to all of you, Denise. If you can't find a therapist that can actually help, then I hope you can at least find a respite care provider. It sounds like you all could really use the break.

[Denisemomof4]

I wanted to respond to this post because I think calandalsmom is getting a bad rap in this thread.

 

I know she and I have had our disagreements in the past in other threads, but in this case, I truly don't believe she was trying to make Denise feel badly; I think she was trying to put the "scratched wood incident" into a larger perspective, which is that considering the bigger picture, the damaged furniture isn't worth getting so upset about. The furniture is just a teeny tiny part of the big (RAD) issue, and with so many major problems on Denise's plate, she shouldn't waste her emotions on it.

 

I think her "straw that broke the camel's back" statement supports the idea that calandalsmom understood why Denise was so upset about it, but was trying to support her by reminding her that the furniture isn't that big a deal in the overall scheme of things.

 

I may have completely misinterpreted calandalsmom's post, and others may be right about it, but I wanted to post in her defense this time around, because I really think she was trying to be sympathetic.

 

I want to point out again that the minor "scratch on the wood" is the most minor of our major issues. It is the ONE issue I shared publicly on the web which many millions could potentially see. If I shared ALL we went through in the pat week............

 

her comment was blocked as much as dd's antics are.

 

enough said.

[awisha.]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[JenC3]

:grouphug::grouphug:

I couldn't do it. Really, I think I would have disrupted the adoption:(

Prayers for you and your family. Reading about all the adoption horror stories on WTM has changed my mind to adopting.